Original subtitles

Malt ball combo

into the corner of Andy's mouth for the win.

Jim, you don't have to keep calling the pocket.

It's the only one we have.

Chalk me, please.

Combo, very difficult shot.

I know.

Oh! How about that?

Nice shot!

Say what you want about me,

but I never choke under pressure.

You got to keep your eye on the ball...

Hey, you all right?

Oh, my God. What?

I almost died.

Are you all right now?

Yeah.

Let's do meatballs. Meatballs!

All right.

Ta-da!

Hey, Gracie, what's the blue ribbon for?

First place in the school spelling bee.

Gracie, you give that back to Ruby right now.

No, it's mine.

It's true.

Really? I thought Ruby was the S-M-A-R-T one.

W-R-O-N-G.

Good for you, girl.

Daddy, since Gracie won, could Kyle and I have popsicles?

How does that make sense?

She's our sister. We're part of her posse.

All right, they're in the freezer in the garage.

Go ahead.

Baby, we are so proud of you.

Way to go, Grace. Come here.

Finally someone else in this family with brains and looks.

Welcome to the club. We meet on Tuesdays.

Next weekend at the high school,

district championships.

Come on. Yes!

That is fantastic.

So, little Gracie's made it to the show, huh?

Here's a bit of advice from the guy who spelled his way

to fifth-round city championships.

And wet his pants on stage.

In front of the whole class.

Well, at least he kept it in his pants. That's class.

Look, I was looking for an edge, okay,

and it turned out my young bladder couldn't handle coffee.

My point is, these district kids, they aren't amateurs.

They take the game to a whole new plateau.

Plateau: P-L-A-T-E-A-U.

Way to go!

Oh, yeah? Try that with a belly full of French roast, girly!

All right, Andy, calm down.

Let's not tease him any more about this.

Obviously, he's still in pain about it.

Thank you.

Uh, hey, Andy, if you're going to do that,

you might want to put some newspaper down.

For the record, with two exceptions,

it hasn't happened since.

Listen, you did great, and I want you to do better.

I want you to go upstairs and practice, all right?

I'll come upstairs and I'll help you.

We'll make a game out of it.

How? Oh, I don't know.

You know, if you make a mistake, I drink a beer.

Hey, I can advise you on hair, clothes, and attitude.

Now listen to me, when you get up on that stage,

you throw this at them.

It says, "I'm better than you. Step off."

No, this says, "I'm better than you."

Okay, I feel like crap. Can I be part of your posse?

Sure.

My God, that is so great.

Isn't that great? I know!

I know!

Daddy, can we play pretzel stick pool?

Oh, I don't know. Your Uncle Andy went home, honey.

Please!

All right, but I get winners.

CHERYL: Oh, yay!

JIM: Oh, baby!

Honey? Hey! Hey! Stay with me.

Here's the word. "Plebeian."

"Plebeian."

Daddy? Yeah?

I'm tired.

Tired? Come on, you're not carrying rocks.

You're spelling words.

But we've been doing it for, like, four hours.

Honey, I know this is difficult for you,

but you know what? I also know if you don't challenge yourself,

you're not gonna win at anything.

Here's the word. "Plebeian."

Can you use it in a sentence?

Okay.

Gracie, spell "plebeian."

Hey. How's our little pocket-sized dictionary doing?

She's fading. Go get some table sugar and a jump rope.

Oh! Jim.

Hey, Gracie, what's your favorite kind of food?

Shrimp.

All right. So if you practice hard

and win tomorrow night,

we'll take you to Red Lobster for dinner.

Yes!

Okay. The word is...

Okay, but I want my own plate,

because I'm sick of sharing with Daddy.

Okay. Okay.

You drive a hard bargain.

Bargain: B-A-R-G-A-I-N.

Plebeian: P-L-E-B-E-I-A-N.

Let's go, let's go. Give me more practice. Come on.

Daddy! Daddy, I called that shrimp.

Then why don't you call the check when it comes, too?

So, Gracie, what'd you get,

a crown or a trophy or something?

I got a certificate.

Oh. Well, still nice to win.

So when's the next one?

Next what?

Next spelling bee.

There isn't one.

Gracie's the champ.

She's top dog, right?

Woof. (BARKS)

You people obviously don't understand

the spelling game.

She's on the circuit now, babe.

Next stop, city championships.

Yeah. Saturday morning downtown.

Where was I when they announced that?

Carrying Gracie on your shoulders for her victory lap around the parking garage.

You know, I still have that bump on my head.

Are you groggy or confused?

No. Then it's nothing.

Don't worry, baby. You're fine.

You got your daddy's thick skull.

It's at the Whitsitt. Registration's at 7:15.

7... Holy...

Holy smokes, that's gonna be a lot of fun.

I know it's early,

but luckily it's before traffic,

so we don't have to leave the house till like 6:45.

(GRUMBLES)

Ha! That is lucky.

Yeah, yeah.

How many more lucky weekends do we have left?

Depends on how good she is, and she's good.

She could be another Billy Jindahl.

Who's that?

Oh... (CHUCKLES)

The best I ever saw.

Two-inch glasses. Orthopedic headgear.

Spelled "loquacious" with a 104 fever.

He walked among us like a giant.

Blew himself up in a meth lab a few years ago.

Thank you, Andy, for that pep talk.

Do you have any other stories that end in a violent death?

So bottom line it for me. When's this end?

Well, if she keeps winning,

the national finals are in June.

Fan-freakin'-tastic!

Boy, nothing says spring in Chicago

like sitting indoors watching kids spell.

(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(ALARM SOUNDS)

What? What? What? What is it?

Oh, honey, we got to get up.

We got state finals today

and a long drive to Springfield ahead of us.

Come on.

(SHOUTS)

Oh...

Great.

More driving.

Yahoo.

Yeah, well, yeah, yahoo.

I'm excited, too, you know?

'Cause if I weren't, I'd be a really bad parent.

Right?

Right.

So we're in agreement, then? We're good parents?

The best.

Ow!

Ow!

What's wrong?

Oh, my stupid back.

I just can't pick Kyle up anymore.

He's too big.

Nuts!

This just could not have happened at a worse time.

So you're not going?

Well, I can't!

No, you're right. I have to.

Gracie needs me.

Oh!

Ah, man! But you know what?

But she also needs me when I'm older.

Not out of commission 'cause I'm writing checks

my body can't cash.

Yep.

Yes, siree, Bob.

Bed rest is the only thing that's going to fix this old back.

Yeah.

Tough break.

Ah.

Yeah.

I mean, that means you're going to miss five hours of car bingo.

Yeah. Not really my game.

Hit the light on your way out, would you?

Hey. Since you're not coming,

is it all right if I take our wedding picture so I can set it next to me?

Whoops.

Why did you do that?

I did that because I thought you'd jump out of bed

and grab it, 'cause I know you're faking.

Well, I didn't, so obviously I'm not faking.

(SCOFFS)

The light, please?

Well, if you're not faking, then...

Then you won't be able to catch your grandmother's vase.

Okay, Cheryl.

I got all day and a house full of breakables.

Okay, okay, stop it.

Ugh. I hate spelling bees.

Thank you.

I didn't mean to do that. I'm just so tired.

You know, so what if I'm a bad parent?

Who cares?

If I have to watch one more 8-year-old spend ten minutes

misspelling "necessarily," I'm going to scream.

Oh, I would have screamed but I was too busy gnawing off my arm.

And will you explain something to me?

Why don't they have any time limits?

Yeah, what is with that? If ever a sport cried out

for a 30-second clock, this one does.

You know what? Give me a stopwatch and an air horn,

and I'll have you a winner in 20 minutes.

Ten if you let me pick the words.

Hey, hey, "Can you use it in a sentence?"

"What's the language of origin?"

"Are there any alternate pronunciations?"

Just spell the damn word and sit down,

you freaky little creep!

What was that?

I don't know, but it really felt good.

It looked like it felt good.

Honey, I don't want to go.

I don't want to go either.

What are we gonna do?

Would it surprise you if I had a plan?

Gracie's still asleep, right?

Right.

We let her stay asleep, and when she wakes up,

we say there was a power outage

and our alarm didn't go off.

Oh, no, no, honey,

'cause then we'd really be bad parents.

Yes.

Yes, and the forecast for Bad Parentville

is continued warm and toasty with a love front

moving in from the south.

Gracie's up. I need your hairdryer

and... Ew.

Ah, you woke her up?

Well, yeah. I can't do her hair while she's asleep.

If she wants to spell perfect, she's got to look perfect.

Confidence comes from the outside in.

Oh, baby, that's it.

I'm gonna go take my shower.

We're just gonna have to keep going to these things

till Gracie loses.

Look at all these kids.

They look like smart ones, too.

Too bad they all can't be winners.

Somebody's got to lose.

Someone else.

Hey, you know what? I don't know about you,

but I've been really missing Ruby and... The little one?

Kyle. Kyle.

What do you say all of us get together

next weekend and go ice skating?

Really, Daddy? That would be awesome.

Yeah, we'll go ice skating, we'll have some hot cocoa,

we'll go out for lunch.

Red Lobster?

Red Lobster, sure.

Oh, wait a minute.

If you win today, we got to go to St. Louis next weekend

for the tri-state finals.

Do they have ice skating in St. Louis?

Against the law.

Oh, man.

"Oh, man" is right.

Hey, no big deal.

We're having fun doing this, you know.

Spelling and driving and winning...

And driving some more.

Actually, driving's kind of boring.

Really? You think?

Yeah. But, Daddy, winning's the greatest.

Then let's get 'em.

Okay, you were having trouble with that word

"perennial" last night, right?

All right, "perennial."

P-E-R-E-N-N-I-A-L.

Good.

Perennial.

"Red Lobster is a perennial favorite."

Attagirl.

What is with you and Red Lobster?

I just like it. Going there is the best part of winning.

Really?

How big of a part?

All of it.

What about the trophies and doing your best?

Trophies are stupid,

and all of the other kids are giant nerds.

It's like being in a room with 50 Uncle Andys.

I don't care if they're better at spelling than I am.

Honey, listen.

You don't have to do the spelling bees if you don't want to.

I'll still take you out for shrimp.

Yeah? Yeah. I mean, we can't do it every week.

I don't want Mommy getting in the habit of going out.

Can Mom make popcorn shrimp?

If your mom could sleep in on a Saturday morning,

she'd catch the damn shrimp herself.

But you know what that means? You gotta... You know.

What are you saying?

I'm saying, kid,

it ain't your night.

Are you telling me to take a dive?

You know what "take a dive" means?

Daddy, I know what "insouciant" means.

Of course I understand "take a dive."

Okay, then.

Here's the thing.

You've got to go out there and lose one for your pop.

For tonight only, wrong is right,

and right is very, very wrong.

That's a paradox.

Yes, it is.

Cheryl, Cheryl.

Ah! Gracie, way to go! Whoo!

Cheryl, it hasn't started yet.

Oh, God.

Got some great news for you.

Gracie doesn't feel like a winner today.

What?

Well, I had a little talk with her,

and we made a little agreement, so to speak.

Let's just say it ain't her night.

Jim! Did you tell her to take a dive?

No, she knows what "insouciant" means.

What?

I don't know. Whatever it means.

I just know that she doesn't care about winning or losing.

What?

No, all she cares about is the shrimp at Red Lobster.

I swear to God, I just talked to her.

I knew it.

What?

Well, hello!

That's why I couldn't get out of bed this morning.

A mother senses these things.

Does a mother say these things?

Because you could have saved us a 10-hour round trip.

So, after this competition, we're done?

After this word, we're done.

Come on, baby, do it for Mama! Lose!

(GASPS)

Don't judge me. It only helps your kid.

ANNOUNCER: Our first contestant is from Hayvenhurst Elementary School.

(APPLAUSE)

She gave us the wink.

Start the car.

Just a reminder, the winner of today's competition

will move on to the tri-state finals

next weekend in St. Louis.

Have a nice drive, suckers.

And as a bonus, they will also receive free dinner for one full year,

courtesy of our corporate sponsor, Red Lobster.

No.

No.

No!

ANNOUNCER: Your word is...

Oenophile.

O-E-N-O-P-H-I-L-E.

Oenophile.

ANNOUNCER: That is correct.

GRACIE: An oenophile is a lover

or connoisseur of wine.

Connoisseur:

C-O-N-N...

ANNOUNCER: All right, thank you. Please, take your seat.

Crap.

Kid, it ain't our night.