Original subtitles

Here you go.

Jim, would you zip up Kyle's jacket, please?

I'm right in the middle of a very important sandwich.

All right, come here, my young man.

Mommy, do you have the snowman's face?

I do, I do. I have the carrot for his nose,

the cookies for his eyes, and...

What happened to the licorice for his mouth?

Ugh.

No.

Okay, now remember, get the snow from the driveway,

not the lawn.

Jim, you can't make the kids shovel the driveway for you.

Cheryl, they're a little young to use the snow-blower, don't you think?

He's right, Cheryl. If they lose a finger at this age,

they'll always be afraid of machinery.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Did you guys settle on a china pattern for your registry?

Oh, we're so close.

Yeah, after running around the entire city,

we've narrowed it down to 10 patterns.

Is a Lismore pattern one of them?

Mm-hmm. Oh, I'm so jealous!

And tomorrow we're spending the entire day looking for a set of flatware.

Hey, Doc, do you know what you need a set of?

Yeah, Jim. You've done that joke before, many times.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, I want to show you this article I found on bridal hairstyles.

I'm thinking a wavy half-up, half-down do with a tiara.

Oh, my God!

I just said the same exact thing to Ryan in the car just now.

No way! Yes!

I had to turn down the game to listen.

I found the best cake server.

Mother of pearl! Handle from France!

Oh, yes!

Jim,

you look like a gun owner.

Will you please put me out of my misery?

Doc, you know what?

If you want to survive a marriage, you got to remember one thing.

There's always a way out.

No matter what the situation, there's always a way out.

You just got to look for it.

But sometimes... There's always a way out!

And that is my wedding gift to you.

Don't expect anything else.

He's not kidding.

For my 30th birthday,

he gave me, "God never gives you more than you can handle."

I traded in for the lemons and lemonade thing.

Hey, sweetie, look at all these bridal magazines Cheryl got for us.

Well, thank you, Cheryl.

You must have gone to a freaking bookstore.

I did. I did. Okay, and here's our wedding album.

It is full of great ideas.

Wow. Sit, sit.

Yeah. Hey, I've been looking at cakes.

We have to have fondant icing.

Okay, I wanted to show you this picture.

(MOUTHING)

Oh, wait. Hang on, hang on...

(MOUTHING)

Here, wait, wait.

Oh, darn, look, I just got paged.

Yeah, I just got paged by the hospital

because I'm a doctor, and they page doctors, and I just got paged.

Oh, shoot.

All right, well, I'm going to go ahead

and put post-its on everything that I like,

and you can add yours later.

Okay, I just hope I don't get paged while I do it.

See you.

Why is the word proof stamped across every photo?

Because proof means free.

Hey, I don't pay for memories. I pay for stuff.

Ah, look at your wedding dress. It was so perfect.

I know. Wasn't it? The lace and the pearls.

Remember how it folded up into a bustle in the back?

All I remember is it took 45 minutes to get it off you.

That's nothing. Usually it takes me five or six dates.

And my fake law degree.

I just hope I can find something this beautiful.

You know, it is good luck to wear something borrowed on your wedding day.

What do you mean?

Well, there's something I've been thinking about,

and now that you bring it up, I am just going to say it.

Why don't you wear my wedding dress?

(ALL GASPING)

Oh, my God, you would be okay with that?

Are you kidding? I would be honored.

Oh, my God, I think I'm going to cry!

You want to try it on?

Yes! (BOTH SHRIEK)

Honey, honey, I can't work the ladder thingy.

Will you go up in the attic and get my dress?

ANNOUNCER ON TV: All Jordan has to do now is run out the clock,

and the Bulls are champs!

JIM: Yes!

ALL: Three, two, one...

And it's over!

The '91 Bulls have given the city of Chicago

its first ever NBA championship!

ALL: Bulls! Bulls! Bulls! Bulls! Bulls! Bulls! Bulls!

Whoo!

Oh, man, I can't believe this.

I get married two weeks ago,

the Bulls win the championship...

Cheryl is my lucky charm.

Oh, that reminds me, I got to take that wedding dress of hers to get preserved.

I thought you did that like two weeks ago.

Mmm. It's still in my trunk.

I was going to take it, but I didn't.

But you told her you did. You think it's okay just to lie to your wife?

Ah, relax, it's just this one time.

It's not like I'm going to ever do it again.

The city has gone wild celebrating the Bulls' victory.

Look at them!

Reports now coming in that riots have broken out.

Oh, look, some poor guy's car is getting torched.

No loss. Just a piece of crap.

That's my piece of crap!

My car is on fire!

My Body by Jake videos are in there!

Cheryl's wedding dress!

(SCREAMING)

What's wrong?

Well, Cheryl, you're not the only one excited about this wedding!

JIM: Oh, baby.

Jim?

The wedding dress, please.

What?

Can you get it?

Yeah, sure.

What, now? Yes!

Come on, Cheryl. Later.

You of all people should know that it's rude

to leave the room when you're entertaining a guest.

Andy? He's like furniture.

Still, Cheryl, it'd just be bad manners to leave me here all alone.

Andy, can I interest you in sampling a variety of canned cheeses?

Oh.

I'm not hungry, but I could eat.

Have you thought about crab puffs for appetizers?

I've thought about nothing else for the last three days.

(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION) There's got to be a way out of this.

There's always a way out! We just got to think of something.

We? (SCOFFS)

No, I was a doe-eyed 19-year-old with a future full of dreams

and a pretty serious work-out regimen until my tapes went up in flames.

You were with me, so you are officially an accomplice.

(YELPS) No way, man.

You were the one that was stuck with a burnt dress,

then put it in a box, and then told your wife

it was a perfectly preserved wedding gown.

(GASPS) Oh, what's this?

A bill. It's from the piper.

All right, Andy, don't give up on me now.

You are not dragging me down with you this time.

No way. I'm telling Cheryl.

Wait! Come here, come here.

Come on, we've kept this lie alive for 14 years.

There's no reason to throw it out like you threw out your commitment to fitness.

If I had those tapes six minutes a day for 14 years,

you know how cut I'd be?

Andy, you didn't think there was a way out in '91, but I found it, didn't I?

Because there's always a way out, Andy.

Say it. Say it with me.

There's always a way...

Out. Say it again!

There's always a way out.

That's right, my good friend.

So you don't worry about a thing. I got it all figured out.

So what's the plan?

I don't know.

It's got to be something to do with Dana not wanting to wear the dress.

Or...

Something.

Great plan.

Shall we synchronize our watches, Mr. Bond?

Hey, you guys, what's going on?

I'm still waiting for you to get that dress out of the attic.

Come on, Dana. Cheryl's not here.

She's dropping the kids off on a play date.

You can drop the act.

What are you talking about?

Ah, sis, come on.

We all love Cheryl, but she does have her faults.

Come on, Dana, let's be honest.

It's really Cheryl's wedding, isn't it?

No, it's my wedding.

Right, right.

Because when you were a little girl,

you dreamt of wearing your sister's hand-me-down on your big day.

You guys just don't get it.

There's a big difference between a hand-me-down

and passing on a family tradition.

Yes, you're right, you're right.

You know, a lesser person might think that Cheryl

was trying to relive the magic of her own wedding through yours.

But...

You know...

What are you doing?

Well, I just thought it might be a little chilly

in your world, living in your sister's shadow all the time.

Like, uh, when you had to wear

her old cheerleading outfit in junior high.

Or go out with her old boyfriends.

I guess Dana can't have anything new.

It's a shame, too, because you know what?

I think you really deserve it.

Hey! Guess what?

I stopped by the shop where I got my bridesmaids' dresses, and I got fabric samples.

Oh.

So, you're not going to wear Dana's old bridesmaid dress?

Of course not. I'm getting something new.

Look at this. Is this green beautiful?

Oh, what do you think, Dana? Cheryl obviously loves it.

Huh?

Well, it's nice,

but I was thinking more of a lavender.

No. You know, the green is beautiful.

Come on, just go with me on this.

No.

What?

Well, it's my wedding, and I don't like green.

You're wearing green.

Well, I don't like this.

Okay, whoa, whoa. Calm down. Just relax here, Dana.

You know what? Everybody would be much happier

if you just let Cheryl make all the decisions.

Yeah, yeah. She's the oldest. She knows best.

Cheryl, you've had your wedding, okay? Let me have mine.

And, and...

And what?

And I want to wear my own wedding dress.

Okay, wait a minute.

I thought you loved that dress.

Well, I did. In 1991.

What?

Well, it's a little outdated.

I'm sorry.

I guess I thought you'd get married a decade ago!

Well, that's just because I didn't marry the first husky guy

in a flannel shirt to come along!

Okay, remember, I am not the enemy.

Continue.

Okay, are you saying

that I pushed my dress on you?

Yeah, just like you're pushing everything on me.

Chicken or fish? Chicken or fish? What is with you!

I was just trying to help.

You know what? Find your own dress.

That is the first suggestion you've made that makes any sense.

And it's the last.

Thank you! No, no, no!

You know what? You know what?

Thank you!

I mean, like... Ugh!

(EXHALES)

(CHUCKLES)

Mission... Accomplished.

You know, Andy?

It's like having dinner theater in your own living room.

Oh, I can't believe that.

What? That was so stupid.

I got to go talk to her.

Wait, wait. What are you doing?

Dana's right.

Dana's right. I really... I crossed the line.

I pushed my dress on her, and I shouldn't have.

She doesn't want your wedding dress.

She wants her own. Just let her get it.

Yeah, you did everything you could.

You've been a good sister.

You made a very touching gesture.

But you know what? It was too big a gesture.

I need to pull everything back

and offer her something smaller, like...

Like my veil.

Gee...

There's something you don't see every day.

Bulls!

(SCREAMING)

I know, I know, I know, I get it, you're excited about the wedding.

No. No, no, Cheryl. Now we're just mad.

Yes, mad as hell!

You can't give her that veil.

You're just feeding a monster Mmm-hmm.

What do you mean?

Cheryl, your sister, Dana, is selfish.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what about the time

that she started dating your old boyfriend in high school?

Did she even bother to ask you how you felt about that?

No. No!

No. No!

Listen, I don't want to be the one

to influence your thinking, you know.

You know, I really was just trying to help.

Damn right you were, honey.

She's just... She's spoiled.

Always has been.

You should cut the cord, honey.

Yeah, you'd be a fool not to.

You think?

Cheryl, a man like me doesn't think.

He knows.

You know what? You're right.

You're right. You know what?

I wouldn't give her that dress now if she begged me for it!

Attagirl!

That's right, baby, you're calling the shots now!

Whoo!

Mission... Reaccomplished.

What did you just tear out of my magazine?

Oh, uh, "Secrets for a successful wedding."

It's for me. It's for my Some Day file.

It's really a great way to keep your goals organized.

Until, of course, they're re-filed into the one called Pipe Dreams!

Hey. Hey.

What brings you by?

I'm going with green.

Just like you said.

But you hate green.

But I love you.

I love you, too.

I'd be honored to wear your wedding dress.

Jim! You're missing a special moment!

Are you sure you want to wear my dress?

I wouldn't want to wear any other dress.

Jim, seriously, right now!

What? What's going on?

Look at this! Dana and Cheryl have made up,

and now Dana wants to wear the dress.

Isn't that great?

BOTH: Isn't it?

Yeah, Ryan helped me see how foolish this whole argument was.

Oh, he did?

Well, good for you, Ryan!

Come on, I'm going to put on some coffee,

because I need to talk to you about centerpieces.

Oh, and if we have time, can we talk about linens?

For linens, I'll make time.

Aw!

What the hell did you do?

I took your advice.

We're in the store looking at shoes.

And I'm standing there thinking,

"You know, I could jab this heel in my eye.

"Yeah, it'd kill me, but not quick enough."

Then all of a sudden, I heard your voice saying,

"There's always a way out. There's always a way out."

Just the voice, or floating head?

Floating head. Yeah, I get that at least once a week.

Look, they're going to be in there for hours.

I'm going to go catch a movie. Thank you so much.

I really... Wow. It's just, I... You know.

Wow.

Jim, no! I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill him!

Hey! I got a better idea.

Next time, instead of free advice,

you might want to give someone a real present!

Shut up!

There's got to be a way out of this.

We got to figure out what we need.

That's all. What do we need?

I don't know. Maybe go in, tell Cheryl the truth.

The truth? No!

Think!

We need a wedding dress, is what we need.

So, we got to get a wedding dress.

And where do you get a wedding dress?

I'm serious, where do you get a wedding dress?

Hello. Hi, can I help you?

Yes, you can. Um...

I'm looking for a, uh, wedding dress that looks just like this.

Oh, I'm sorry. We don't have anything like that.

Sorry. Are you sure?

I mean, I've been looking all over town.

Do you have anything even close?

No... Jim, hey. I think I got it.

We take the top from this one,

the sleeves from this one... Uh-huh.

...and the bottom from this.

I think that'll work.

Okay, we need it in about 5 minutes.

All right, all right. In 30 minutes, we can catch a bite.

Sir, we don't really sell our gowns in parts.

But we could custom-make you a gown like your photo.

Hey! Cool!

What's it run, couple hundred bucks?

Try about $5,000

Um...

I'm a member of AAA.

All right.

We're just going to have to break them up.

That way there'll be no wedding!

For the love of got Jim, I'm not sleeping with my sister

Hey. Where were you guys?

Uh, we were just driving around, talking about our hopes and dreams.

Oddly, my dream was coming home and not getting the third degree.

Well, I'm sorry, honey, but Dana is waiting to try on the dress.

Yes, but... Can you go get it, please?

The dress. The dress. Right. The dress.

I'm going to go get it right now. Okay.

Just call me Johnny dress-getter.

What are you talking about?

You got a box full of ashes.

It's over, dress-getter. We're screwed.

We are not screwed.

You see, that's the difference between evil genius and a common liar.

Now, you stand back, watch the master.

By the time I get upstairs to that attic,

I will have come up with a way to get out of this.

There's no way out.

There's no way out.

There's no way out.

Jim?

What are you doing out there?

I can't tell you.

Is that my wedding dress?

Yes.

Can I have it?

No.

Why?

Can't tell you.

Is it because you don't want Dana wearing it?

Yes.

Why?

I can't tell you.

Oh.

Is it because it's my dress,

and it won't be as special if someone else wears it?

Yes, that's good.

I mean, that's really good that you figured it out

without me having to tell you.

Honey, just...

Like, I had no idea you felt this passionately about this.

Well, you didn't ask me.

Aw...

No one ever asks me anything in the house.

I'd rather torch this dress than have someone else wear it.

Honey, that is so sweet.

I'll tell you what,

we are going to put this dress away

and never talk about it again.

Never ever?

Never ever.

Baby...

You know, just when I think I know you,

I don't know you.

I know.

Mmm.

I surprise myself sometimes.

Looks like another sunny day today.

Lately, they've all been sunny.

Mommy? Yeah?

I have a question. Sure.

When I get married, can I wear your wedding dress?

Aw!

(CLEARS THROAT) Ruby?

Come here.

You know, honey,

there's nothing wrong with just living with a guy.