Original subtitles

All right.

Is everybody ready for some winter fun?

Yay! Yay!

Let's go sledding! (CHUCKLES)

Oh, God!

Daddy, it's really cold.

I know, it's colder than a witch's...

Nose.

All right. Let's go to Plan B.

Yay! I get to go first!

All right.

All right, a little lecture on safety.

Not a word to your mother.

Whoo!

Andy, you all right?

Andy?

Whew.

You okay?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

So we going to go to the park and go sledding?

No, it's too cold out.

Sounds like Plan B. I get to go first!

All right, all right!

All right, go get your bike helmets.

And again, not a word of this to your mother.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Gordon's got Earnhardt boxed in. He can't make a move.

Come on, junior, pass up that pretty boy.

MAN ON TV: We'll be right back with more NASCAR action right after this.

All right, kids, pit stop. Let's move.

Move it, move it, move it!

Big man says let's go now!

JIM: Come on, come on, come on!

JIM: Hustle, hustle!

I need a wipe down!

Come on! Races are won in the pits!

Eighteen seconds. Better.

But you don't wipe the lips. You pat!

You know, Andy, it's times like these

I'm glad I had that extra child.

You're a good father, Jim.

Hey, guys, where's Cheryl?

She's on the couch. No, she's not.

Then I don't know.

Well, she wanted to borrow this dress for your date tonight.

Speaking of which, when you're babysitting tonight,

can you get the kids to bed a little earlier?

They're way off their times today.

Actually, Jim, I can't babysit tonight.

I have another date with Dr. Gibson. My 17th.

Eighteenth if you count the time he caught me following him.

So my loser days are over.

All right, guess I got to go to the loser bullpen.

You're up.

Yeah, sorry, I'm busy, too.

The sci-fi film club meets tonight.

Damn it!

I forgot my cape at the dry cleaners.

Now my wizard hat's just going to look stupid.

Cheryl, Cheryl, guess what.

We got no babysitter for tonight.

The selfish twins here have decided to have a social life

instead of helping us get away from our kids.

Don't worry. I got a sitter.

Who?

I met this great woman at the park. She'll be here at 7:00.

The park? Yeah.

Oh, are the dog tracks closed?

Honey, she's a nice woman.

She'll take good care of our kids.

What happened to Mrs. Bishop? I liked her.

She died.

Remember? We couldn't go to her funeral

'cause we couldn't find a sitter.

Cheryl, I'm not going to let someone I've never met

babysit our kids.

I've watched Mrs. Nelson at the park

with the kids she takes care of, and she is wonderful.

She is. It's going to be fine.

Would you just trust me on this?

Trust? Yes.

Okay, Cheryl, I'll trust you.

We'll use your hobo from the park.

But I don't want to hear you complain

when we get home and Ruby's kidney

is in a cooler off to Mexico.

Okay, Jim.

Hey, Dana, let's go see how this looks on me.

Oh, I'm sure you'll be the prettiest girl

in the bowling alley snack bar.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

"Ooh, look at me.

"I'm Cheryl. I trust everybody. I'm so nice.

"Yeah, I don't push cars into intersections

"when they cut me off."

Yeah, she got mom's kind heart,

and I got dad's enlarged prostate.

You know what, Andy? I'm telling you,

I don't feel good about this babysitter.

You know what I'm going to do?

Ah, I'm just spitballing here, but, uh...

Something sneaky and underhanded?

Bingo.

I'm going to get one of those little cameras,

those little hidden cameras that I see on the news.

Oh, yeah, those nanny cams. I've seen those.

They put them in stuffed animals and in pop cans.

Yeah, yeah. What do you think that'll set me back,

10, 15 bucks?

Oh, I don't... Closer to 100.

100? Yeah.

Come on!

What?

All right, no price too high to protect my kids.

Want to go halfsies with me?

They're not my kids.

I said halfsies! Come on.

Fine.

Good. All right, let's go get ourselves a camera.

Hey, you going to tell Cheryl?

Yeah, right, right. And then have to listen to her

right to privacy and civil liberties nonsense?

Forget it.

Yeah, where are the civil liberties

for the guy parked outside the yoga studio

taking a few tasteful pictures?

You know, Andy,

if I am wrong about this babysitter thing,

and I hope that I am,

Cheryl will never know that I spied on her.

And if the babysitter's no good?

Then I can throw that whole naive trusting thing

back in her face.

And protect the kids.

Right, right, yeah. Protect the kids, yeah.

Hey, what are you doing?

I'm just looking at the videos of the babysitter.

Ooh, anything good?

Nah. For a moment there,

I thought I saw Mrs. Nelson popping pills.

Turned out it was just fiber.

Oh, you put it in the kitchen?

Yeah. Why?

No reason.

I'm just thinking we got a lot of work to do, Jim,

so why don't we hop to it? I mean, let's...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, what's this?

Master Yoda speaks highly of your abilities,

but I will be the final judge.

(IMITATING LIGHT SABER SOUNDS)

(PANTING)

(LAUGHS)

Whoa!

(LAUGHING)

(IMITATES LASER FIRE)

(GLASS BREAKING)

Jim, Gracie broke your teapot!

I was gonna tell you.

I was looking for the right moment.

Uh-huh. Don't worry about it.

Gracie studies more when she's grounded.

All right, here. Here's the babysitter again.

Hey, look it.

It looks like she's teaching 'em how to gamble.

Got any threes? Go fish.

I just love you kids.

We love you, too, Mrs. Nelson.

ANDY: Whoa, whoa, Jim.

Is she hugging or feeling for that kidney?

Nah.

The babysitter's spotless.

Cheryl's right. The kids are safe.

Crap!

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop.

It's Cheryl and Dana. I want to see what they say about me.

I don't know, Andy. Do you think you're strong enough?

Jim, please, I grew up with them. I've heard all the teasing.

Andy's a jerk.

Why would you say that?

Because he is.

Yeah. He kinda is.

I'm not gonna lie to you. That one stings.

Mmm-hmm.

Hey, what happened to that porcelain teapot I gave you?

Oh, Gracie broke it.

Yeah. Jim grounded her because she wouldn't 'fess up.

So, how much do you have in your secret stash now?

This makes it a little over $400.

DANA: $400? That's impressive.

I know. You'd be surprised how much a little extra change

from groceries and stuff builds up. Yeah.

Oh, my God.

You didn't know.

No! I can't believe it.

My own wife's keeping secret money from me.

What the hell's going on?

What are you going to do?

I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know how to play this.

Wait, what's to play, man? You take the money,

we go get us some lap dances down at the oval office.

That, my friend, is how you check your woman.

Yeah, well, when I'm checking her,

should I be wearing my cape or my wizard hat?

If I had my charm amulet, I'd put a whammy on you.

Oh, stop.

This is important, Andy.

I got it. You know what I'm gonna do?

Ha!

I'm gonna crawl up there, open that thing,

take a little money out every day,

and then let's watch her go crazy on our hidden camera.

Oh, that's genius.

Yes.

Ha ha! Serves her right, man.

It's like I say, Jim, you can't trust anybody...

Except me.

What do you mean? You just sold out

a 7-year-old girl to cover your own ass.

And now you don't need to take her to the circus.

You're welcome.

Oh, please.

Hey.

Hey. Aren't you supposed to be working?

I'm supposed to be doing a lot of things.

I'm glad you're here. Come here, sit down.

What?

I think Mrs. Nelson has been stealing from my stash.

You're kidding. That sweet old lady?

I know, I know, I thought the same thing,

but it just started happening when we hired her.

How much did she take?

Well, first I thought it was 50,

but I just checked, and there's more gone.

I know. I just don't know how to prove it.

I'll fill a sock with oranges.

We'll get the truth out of her.

No. We can't beat up an old lady.

Can't or won't, Cheryl?

I know, I know.

You should get one of those little cameras

that people use to check up on their nannies and boyfriends.

I mean, nannies.

No, I couldn't do that to Mrs. Nelson.

That's an invasion of her privacy.

I wouldn't want to violate her civil liberties.

Come on, Cheryl, a lot of people do that.

They had a whole series on it in the news last week.

Well, I guess if people on TV are doing it, it must be okay.

But you can't tell Jim,

because I made such a big deal about how great she is.

Oh, please,

I didn't tell him when he set his shirt on fire.

Why would I tell him this?

Okay, let's go get one of those cameras.

Cool!

Hey, and if I'm wrong about Mrs. Nelson stealing,

Jim never needs to know.

Okay. And what if you're right?

Well, then, I'll find a way to fire her and save face.

Yeah, and protect the kids.

Right, right, the kids.

All right, girls, outside.

Mama needs the VCR.

But it's Annie. We love her.

Well, it's a hard knock life. Come on, beat it, beat it.

Why don't you guys go play orphanage

and you can sing and dance like Annie?

Can we scrub the floors?

Well, that's what orphans do. Go.

Okay, I'm just gonna fast-forward

till we see something we want.

Oh, that's you.

(HUMMING WEDDING MARCH)

I do.

Wait till we get to the hotel.

I'm kidding. Take me now!

Dana, what were you doing? You knew the camera was there.

Oh, aren't we adorable?

Oh! There's Jim and Andy.

No, Andy. End of discussion. No!

Jim, all I'm saying is if you have the Three Stooges

in a haunted house, why throw in a gorilla?

That's a whole other movie!

Will you keep an eye out? Fine.

I'm going up.

Yes, yes, yes. (LAUGHS)

I think I'm just gonna take $25 out this time.

You know what? It's enough to drive Cheryl nuts,

but not distract her from making dinner.

Once again, kudos on your healthy marriage.

You know what? I just love my nanny cam.

It is so great to see Cheryl count the money

over and over again.

It's like a chicken pecking at herself in a mirror.

(LAUGHING)

She can't figure it out.

I figured it out now, didn't I, smartass?

I can't believe it. Jim is spying on you

with a nanny cam. That is so dishonest.

I know. Well, he wants to drive me crazy?

Two can play at that game. Really? How?

We are going to put on a little show for his nanny cam.

Okay, but I'm not gonna do anything embarrassing.

Dana, you kissed my mop.

No, I kissed back.

Cheryl...

You sure saved a bundle at the store today, Cheryl.

Yeah, I saved a bundle by buying expired meat.

Uh, Cheryl, if you're gonna skim off the top,

you've got to cut costs somewhere, Cheryl.

I know my name, Dana.

Right, right.

Right, right, Cheryl, you do.

(WHISPERING) Sorry.

Hey, this week's take brings me up to $500.

(GASPS) Time to put it in the big jar!

Yeah. The big jar.

With this, plus what's in the big jar,

it brings me up to my goal,

$15,000, baby!

$15,000!

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

Congratulations.

Thanks. It took me 12 years, but I did it.

Now I can put that down payment down on Monday.

Oh, yes! The down payment.

Oh, boy, do I envy you.

That thing that you're putting the down payment on

is great!

What a thing!

And the best part is Jim will never know.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Okay, now, let's go take this

and bury it in the backyard

in the secret place with the other money.

The best part is Jim will never know.

I already said that, Dana.

Right, right, Cheryl, you did.

(WHISPERING) Sorry.

15,000 bucks?

Lies!

The deceit!

Good thing you spied on her. You never would've found out how sneaky she is.

And what about the down payment?

What's that about?

I don't know. I don't...

Hey, would Cheryl have any use for a personal submarine?

No.

Hovercraft? No.

Jet pack?

Andy, she's a thief, not a nerd!

Come on, let's go dig up that $15,000

before she does something stupid with it!

Wow, 15 grand. Man, if I had that,

I'd learn Italian and get calf implants.

Whoo, that was fun! I haven't been drinking

in the middle of the day in a long time!

Yeah, have a few kids.

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

What's that noise? It sounds like a hackjammer.

You mean a jackhammer? That's what I said.

Yeah, but why would someone have a jack...

Oh, my God!

Another dry hole, Jim.

The only thing we found are eight years of kids' pets.

Jim, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

I'm digging up $15,000 that you buried here,

you thieving pirate! (GROANS)

Oh, my God, this is great.

I hope I remember it tomorrow.

Oh, come on, Cheryl,

we know all about your dirty submarine money.

Now, we demand an explanation and the first ride.

There is no $15,000!

Please! Enough with the lies!

I know. I saw it with my own eyes.

I had a nanny cam up there in the kitchen!

I know, because I saw you on my nanny cam!

What? You have a nanny cam, too?

Yeah, because I thought someone was stealing from me.

And it was you!

Two nanny cams and no smoke detectors.

What does that say about your family?

All right, I'm outta here.

Oh, me, too.

You can kiss this frozen butt goodbye.

Hey, Andy, can I have a ride home?

Why should I? You called me a jerk.

Well, you are a jerk.

Yeah, I kinda am. Come on.

So you're telling me there's no $15,000?

No, no.

Just the 400 bucks in the cabinet.

Aha! So you admit to having a secret stash of money!

Yeah.

Cheryl... I don't know.

It's those damn desperate housewives.

Ever since you started watching that show, you've changed!

Why are you hiding the money?

I do it to keep the peace around here.

What are you talking about, peace?

Jim, have you noticed we don't fight about money anymore?

Yeah, because you stopped spending so much of it.

No, no, I spend the same as I always did.

You just don't know about it.

Cheryl, I need to know where the money goes here.

What are you spending it on?

Oh, good God, woman, you're not giving it to charity, are ya?

I spend it on ordinary things we use every day

like shoes and clothes and stuff for the kids.

Oh, Cheryl, I don't care about that.

I never cared about that.

Jim, you go crazy if anything costs more than it did in 1940.

(SCOFFS) I do not.

Yeah, you do. You overreact.

Tell me one time I've overreacted.

All right. Besides today.

Cheryl, Cheryl, I need to know

how every penny is spent in this household.

All right, then we're gonna fight.

No, we're not, we're not gonna fight.

All right, fine. I got my hair done the other day.

What do you think that cost?

You're toying with me, aren't you? Uh-huh.

You think I'm gonna say... 20...

25?

35?

Please don't make it $40!

85.

85 bucks?

Andy cuts my hair for 5 bucks

and throws in a delightful scalp massage.

Well, since you're handling that so well,

Kyle's shoes cost $45.

45 bucks? Yeah.

His feet are this big! Uh-huh.

Ruby's soccer uniform? 60 bucks!

60? Yeah.

She stinks!

She hasn't scored a goal in three years!

Well...

Well, why can't you just make her a uniform?

Oh, you know, that's a great idea.

Hey, and I'll make Kyle's shoes, too.

I'm just gonna go on down to the mall

and pick me up one of them there cobbler's benches.

Yeah, that'll probably be about $600.

And you know what? We'll get a cow,

'cause then the leather will be free.

You know, we're gonna need hay for the cow,

so we're gonna need to get a combine. That'll be about,

ooh, I'd say a quarter of a million dollars.

I don't have a quarter of a million dollars, Cheryl!

We don't need a quarter of a million dollars.

Jim!

We're fine.

Hey...

We are more than fine.

Ii just don't think I'll ever believe that.

I know.

But just 'cause you don't believe it

doesn't mean it's not true.

Come on, you gotta trust me.

You playing the trust card again?

See, wasn't it better when you didn't know anything?

The good old days.

I wish I could be that ignorant again.

Aw, baby...

You will be.

Thanks for believing in me.

All right, here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna hide my stash in a new place,

and you are not gonna look for it.

(SIGHS)

All right. All right.

Is that the cat?

No. It's the gerbil.

Hey, you know what? We gotta get that nanny cam

out of the kitchen. It's weird.

I already took mine out.

Really? Where is it?

I can't remember.

Hey, you know what?

You should take a shower and suds up a little bit more this time.

Oh, okay.

And use that shower massager...

CHERYL: Oh!