Original subtitles

What's with these doctors?

They're always showing off their diplomas.

I mean, it's like, "Ooh, I finished college."

"Ooh, I completed med school."

"Ooh, I really know a good framer."

Jim, he's the best fertility doctor in town.

And I find the diplomas reassuring.

You know what I find reassuring, Cheryl?

"Employees must wash hands."

Good morning. Good morning, Dr. Gibson.

Good morning, Doctor. I'm Jim.

Yeah, Jim, we met last time.

Yeah, I just thought maybe you didn't recognize me

with my pants on, you know.

I looked at your test results.

Yes?

And it seems that your sperm count has increased.

Oh! Yes!

That's because he stayed away from alcohol and the hot tub, just like you said.

I even gave up the tighty-whiteys.

I'm riding commando right now.

At ease, soldier.

You're really doing great. Ah, thanks.

But even so, the numbers are still

well below where we would like them.

Aw.

I'm afraid you're gonna need to make a few

additional sacrifices.

What else is there to give up?

Jim, I'm talking about frequency of activity.

I think that we know what that means, Cheryl.

Wink, wink, nudge, boing!

Yes, Jim, thank you for speaking in code in front of the doctor.

To maximize your chance of getting pregnant,

I'm advising that you refrain from...

boing!

What?

Except during Cheryl's ovulation window.

That's once a month. That's impossible.

I mean, look at her!

And that should be your only release.

Are you freakin' kidding me?

I gave up the booze, cigars,

hot tubs, bicycle riding,

and now I can't do what God built me for?

Jim, do you have this kind of outburst often?

No, not really.

Okay, let me ask you this,

How well do you cope with stress?

Very well. Whenever it comes up,

I identify the cause and I yell at it!

Well, when you do that,

you raise your blood pressure,

and release cortisone into your blood stream.

Yeah, I like that stuff. It helps me yell louder.

Jim, it's not good for your count, all right?

You should do whatever you can to avoid any kind of outburst.

Well, you know what that means.

A prescription for no Dana. Oh!

What's a Dana?

Dana is my sister. She's kind of sarcastic.

And Jim finds her really, really annoying. Really?

And she's single, if you're interested.

A month without sex? Honey, that's like...

A month without sex!

Jim, I know it seems difficult now,

but the time is gonna fly by. Oh...

Is this a recent picture? Because she is fine.

Yes, she is. She is.

Honey, honey, I know you're not happy about this,

and neither am I, but we both want this baby, right?

Yes, yes. No, I want the baby.

I know. It's so hard, a month!

I know, sweetie.

All right, well, if I'm not gonna release,

then you've got to help me. Okay.

No more late-night cable viewing.

Right.

You got to comb the newspapers for, you know,

bra advertisements.

Okay.

And you keep Laverne and Shirley under wraps.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Guess who's got great sperm?

Mel Gibson?

What? He's got like, 30 kids.

No, me.

Oh. Hey, got you your favorite sandwich.

Oh, my God, Italian beef?

Double dipped with peppers?

Oh, I am starving. (LAUGHING)

So, it went well, huh? Oh, yeah, it went great.

Yeah? Feeling fantastic?

Oh, I feel on top of the world.

Great. Remember that feeling, 'cause Max is on his way over

with some stupid change to the model.

Oh, man.

Will you remind me why are we trying to get this job again?

'Cause he's loaded, and you love money.

Right, right.

God, of all days for him to come.

Why? What?

My fertility doctor said if I get stressed,

I can't knock up your sister.

I bet Mel Gibson could.

Fellas!

Max! Hey!

What, no strippers?

I guess you guys don't want the job! (STUTTERING) Wha...

I'm kidding ya, I'm kidding ya! Come on!

I'm on a time crunch here, so let me look at the new model

and point out the things you did wrong,

which is just about everything.

Oh, thank you.

My... My...

(SPUTTERING)

This is good. You should have one. Uh, yeah...

I love the skylights.

Those are air conditioning units.

Could they be skylights?

Max, Max, please,

this is the third model we built for you.

I know. My kids love playing with them.

Which is why I'm close to hiring you guys.

How close?

I'm as close to hiring you guys

as you can be to hiring you guys

without actually hiring you guys. I mean...

But I gotta run.

Good talking to you cats.

Uh, Max? (CHUCKLING)

What exactly do you want us to do to make the model better?

Ha! See? Exactly. Make the model better.

You're smart.

You okay? Yeah! Come on.

I passed that test. (LAUGHING)

Hey, you want anything? You want a coffee?

You want a donut? Anything you want.

Uh, no, no, I'm good.

I'm just gonna start on a new model for Max.

(PIANO PLAYING)

One, two, three... (YELLING)

So, I think we can make the skylights work

by moving the AC units from here down to over here.

Kids!

I mean, my lovely children.

My young doves.

Uncle Andy and I are trying to do some work here.

Can you kindly settle down?

We're sorry, Daddy.

It's okay, baby. Thank you.

(YELLING) (PIANO PLAYING)

Nine, 10... Cheryl!

Cheryl!

Okay, kids, kids, kids! (YELLING, PIANO STOP)

Daddy needs some quiet, okay?

Now, who wants to help Mommy and Aunt Dana bake a cake?

CHILDREN: I do! I do!

All right.

Wow. And you guys wanna try for a fourth kid?

Ha! If I were you, I'd be looking to sell one of them.

Oh.

Cheryl, what are you doing in here

wearing that sexy outfit? You're driving me crazy!

Jim! It's a sweatshirt and sweatpants.

Ponytail! Ponytail!

Oh, sorry! Sorry! I'll take it out.

Cheryl.

Do you want a pole to do that on?

Is everything I do sexy to you?

Oh, my God, that voice.

Honey, honey, I know it's difficult.

It's hard for me, too.

Yeah. Coming from the woman who was in the shower for 45 minutes this morning.

I was pumicing.

Whatever you want to call it, Cheryl. Oh!

Honey, honey, honey, why don't you guys

just go work in the office, huh?

No, no, no. No. We can't go to the office.

Why not? I told you, I can't go to the office,

'cause Max always shows up at the office

with some stupid idea that he gets while he's driving his stupid car,

and then we gotta stupidly nod and...

Oh, my God, what kind of perfume is that?

You are driving me crazy!

It's a dryer sheet! Calm down!

I am calm. I'm trying to be calm. It's very hard.

We haven't been able to do the special monkey hug.

Welcome to my world, Jim.

I haven't hugged a monkey in a long time.

Look, honey, I don't like this.

I haven't seen you this stressed out about work in a long time.

It's okay. Look, the money that this job is gonna bring in, this family can use.

Honey, we're fine. There is absolutely no reason for you to kill yourself over this.

Cheryl, think about it.

We're talking about having a fourth child,

we got three bedrooms, and all these kids are gonna go to college. That's expensive!

Please. Gracie's gonna be robbing gas stations.

Best case scenario, she gets caught and becomes the state's problem

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it.

All right, maybe only three of them are gonna go to college,

but it's still a lot of money. I'm a provider here.

Max, what are you doing here?

Max! How did you find out where we live?

I got people that know people.

You wanna know where Oprah lives?

I'll give you a little hint.

Nowhere near here, that's for sure.

Gee. I'm Max.

Hey, I'm Jim's wife, Cheryl.

Oh, wow! Nice work. She is...

Listen, you sneak me some Polaroids, I'll get them to Hefner.

Max, Max, Max,

Max, Max... What do you need, Max?

Well, I'll tell you what. I was out driving around today,

and I think I came up with a great idea.

Oh, let me guess. We throw out the skylights?

Wrong. I love the skylights

for another building.

But I want you to put a second floor on this one.

Max! You can't understand...

No, honey, honey, honey, a second floor means

more money, which is good, right?

Right.

Money. Good. CHERYL: Right.

Right.

See, the thing is, I want to hire you guys,

but I gotta know you're my kind of people,

you know what I mean?

Life is too short to work with people you can't stand.

BOTH: You get used to it.

So, I was thinking that maybe we could

hang out together, you know,

and crack a few cold ones.

How about Sunday?

Oh, Max, I don't know. Sunday is...

Sunday's really for family.

Yeah. Family. That's good. Family is good.

You know, I got two or three myself.

Yeah. Well, that's too bad,

because now I don't know what I'm gonna do with these!

Bears-Green Bay tickets at Lambeau Field?

50-yard line! First class trip on my luxury party bus!

Forget it! You got the family!

Uh-uh, uh-uh, I don't.

I'll die alone. Me, too.

Hey, wait, wait. What about us?

Bears trump family, honey.

I forgot. It's in our wedding vows.

Oh.

Well, then it's set. I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow morning 9:00 o'clock.

Yeah! All right!

9:00. Cool. Hey, uh, uh, will brunch be provided?

I get a bit peckish around 11:00.

Yeah. Me, too.

"Peckish." That means horny, right?

No.

Then I got no idea what you're talking about, man.

What does he think brunch means?

So, you guys are riding on a luxury bus... Yeah.

...to Green Bay to watch the Packers-Bears game?

And you're sitting on the 50-yard line? Yes.

Why didn't you get me a ticket?

Because I want to have fun.

Don't worry, sis. I told Max

you're a big Bears fan and would love to come.

You did? No, I want to have fun, too.

You guys are jerks.

Yeah, jerks with tickets!

All right, honey, I found your foam finger.

No, Cheryl, Cheryl, that, that,

that's the home game finger.

That's not the away game finger. Ah, just forget it!

Honey, honey, honey.

(WHIMPERING)

You promised me if you went on this trip, you could stay calm.

Yeah, you know, Cheryl's right. We all want that fourth child.

I should go in your place.

Cheryl, I'm gonna remain calm. I'm gonna be calm.

Come on, I'm gonna be surrounded by a bunch of Bears fans.

How much more relaxing can that be?

(HORN HONKS)

Jim? That's Max! (LAUGHS) Yes!

Let's begin our journey on the luxury bus that Dana won't be on.

Ooh! Funny, funny!

♪ Bear down

♪ Chicago Bears

♪ Make every play

♪ Clear the way to victory... ♪

(GRUNTS)

MAX: I know what you're thinking,

"Nice bus."

(CHEERING)

Did we get these guys, or what?

Brianna, grab the camera! Grab the camera!

We got you guys so good!

Brianna, picture, picture! Ha!

BRIANNA: Say cheese.

Yeah, that one's going on the fridge!

Fridge?

(STUTTERING) You... You're a cheesehead?

Lifelong, and proud of it, buddy!

Everyone on this bus has cheddar in their veins!

ALL: Whoo!

Well, then why did you invite us?

Because winning isn't fun unless you can rub it in someone's face!

(CHEERING)

You must feel like crap.

Brianna, quick, take another picture. Yes, yes.

No! No more pictures. Dana! Dana, what are you doing?

Yeah!

I didn't even smile!

Load up!

Hello, Christmas card.

Dana, don't you dare!

This was a setup!

I'm gonna find out if this guy really does bleed cheese.

No, no, no, no! No, be cool, man! What are you doing?

No, look at what he just did to us,

making a fool out of us!

Come on! Shh! I don't like this guy

any more than you do, but we can't kill him until we get the job.

Or I score with one of these babes.

At least the job's a possibility.

Jim! Jim! You cannot get on a bus with a bunch of Packer fans.

Cheryl, I have to.

The doctor said you need to stay calm and not lose it.

I'm not going to lose it, okay?

But five hours on a bus full of Packer fans!

Jim! You explode after five minutes in tight shoes!

Cheryl, I think I can exercise a little bit of self-control.

Okay? We haven't had sex in weeks,

and I take a shower, and I don't even pumice.

For God's sake, I was really pumicing!

That's all right, as long as you were thinking about me.

Max wants you to get started. Want a beer?

I'm not drinking beer out of a Packers cozy,

unless there's a kiss involved.

(CHUCKLES) I carry mace.

Where?

And so the dance begins.

Jimmy, let's go! Get on the bus! Come on!

Jim, I... I don't like this.

Maybe I can go with you.

You know, Dana could watch the kids.

Cheryl, I'm a big boy now. Okay?

I can handle this.

ALL: Let's go Packers!

No, no, no!

Let's go Packers! (CLAPPING)

Let's go Packers! You look so good.

You're a beautiful woman.

Let's go Packers! (CLAPPING) Let's go Packers!

(CLAPPING) Let's go Packers!

MAX: Come on, Jimmy, let's go!

Let's go Packers! Let's go Packers! Let's go Packers!

Let's go Packers!

Honey, thank you for coming.

I'm telling you, I would have been fine by myself.

I know. I know, but you've been doing

a lot of sacrificing for the family, and I can, too.

I'm just happy I could be here for you.

Cheryl! Quit rubbing my leg!

Let's focus on something else.

Close your eyes and picture yourself in a field of daisies.

Daisies. Daisies.

Mmm-hmm.

Daisies. Mmm-hmm.

Honey?

Do daisies look like boobs?

No.

Then I'm not in a field of daisies.

Oh!

Bum-bum-bum, pa!

Bum-bum bum-bum-bum, pa!

Seriously! I carry mace.

And yet you haven't used it. I'm seeing green lights.

Reverse!

Jim! We just crossed the Wisconsin border,

so we're officially in Packerland.

Let's go Packers!

ALL: Let's go Packers!

Let's go Packers!

Excuse me, folks?

Folks, I have an idea.

Let's sing a song that has nothing to do with sports, okay?

My kids love this one.

Okay, here we go.

♪ Silly Sally, what'd you do today?

♪ Silly Sally, what'd you do today?

♪ Did you comb your hair with a... ♪

Comb?

Okay, okay, and you'd think so,

but Sally is silly, so it would be something weird.

A weird comb?

Let's go Packers!

(CHEERING)

Let's go Packers!

Yeah, Super Bowl hat. Great.

I got an '85 Super Bowl hat.

Hey, Jim, can you toss me a beer?

Yeah.

How's it going with Brianna?

Not good. No. Her eyes said yes, yes,

but her knee said, "Take that, creepo!" Oh.

Just to eliminate any confusion,

her mouth said it, too.

I'm sorry, man.

Hey! There you guys are.

You guys have been great sports. Haven't they, everybody?

Yeah!

I think they deserve a cheer!

No, no. No cheer.

We say Green, you say Bay! Green!

Bay! Green!

Bay! We say Packers, you say win! Packers!

Win! Packers!

Win! (CHEERING)

Whoa! Whoa, whoa! I think they look a little cold!

Maybe they need some hats!

No hats. No, please. We're fine.

Hats! Hats! Yeah!

(CHEERING)

I love me! (LAUGHING)

This sucks.

So, what, you're wearing a cheesehead now? Jim!

How long are you gonna keep this up?

Just until we get the job.

Oh, oh! Forgot to tell you. You already got the job.

Yeah! (CHEERING)

Since when?

Well, I decided last week.

Brat? Oh, yes, please.

Wait, last week? What, last week?

You don't think I could tell the difference

between an air conditioner and a skylight? Come on!

So, wait a minute. So, this whole exercise

on this bus ride was just to make us look like jackasses,

so you and your buddies could have a good laugh?

A good laugh? We had a million good laughs!

Yeah!

Jim, it's not worth it.

We'll try for a baby next month.

Go on, release! Yes!

Max, Yes?

I'm not gonna blow up.

But you know what? I have something to say.

And Andy here is gonna say it the way I mean it.

You are some piece of work.

You are some piece of work!

CROWD: Ooh!

Nobody talks to me like that.

Nobody talks to him like that!

You know what? If you're not a stand-up guy,

then we don't want to work for you anyway.

You know why? Because I've made a good living

without you all these years,

and I'll continue to make a good living without you.

If you can't be a stand-up guy...

Through the years...

You gotta keep 'em shorter, Jim!

Just tell him he's a piece of crap.

You, sir, are a worthless piece of crap.

I'm just speaking for myself now.

Your pasta salad sucks!

Wow. Anything else?

I don't know. Are we good?

Spike the cheesehead.

CROWD: Ooh!

(LAUGHING)

Think that's funny, huh?

Ha ha! It's great! You guys are great!

You're weird cats, but I love you, man!

You're my kind of people.

Yeah!

So, we still have the job?

Of course you have the job.

Let's start Monday morning.

Bring the plans over. Come on!

And by the way, Brianna is a dude.

Come on, buddy.

You know, honey, I think I know you,

and then I don't know you.

That self-control is very sexy.

Cheryl, you're waking up the beast in the cellar.

Oh, sorry.

Hey, how about this? Huh?

Oh, yeah. Oh, that works. Yeah.

You do not look sexy at all in that!

(CHUCKLES) You got to keep that hat on.

Jim, Jim, Jim! Got to get out of here!

What?

Oh! Andy!