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1
00:00:01,272 --> 00:00:03,703
Daddy, want to see the
picture I drew for school
2
00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:05,475
of the first Thanksgiving?
3
00:00:05,476 --> 00:00:07,477
Sure. I got plenty
of time.
4
00:00:07,478 --> 00:00:09,109
It's not like I'm worried
about the breakfast
5
00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:13,083
your mother slaved
over getting cold.
6
00:00:13,084 --> 00:00:16,516
Would you give me a break? I'm gonna
be cooking for eight hours on Thursday.
7
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,620
Honey, today's Tuesday. You need
two days' rest to work eight hours?
8
00:00:20,791 --> 00:00:23,553
Are they hiring where you work?
9
00:00:23,554 --> 00:00:26,557
Yeah, don't bother.
My boss only likes blondes.
10
00:00:29,630 --> 00:00:30,801
Why are you hovering?
11
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:33,803
My picture?
12
00:00:33,804 --> 00:00:37,207
Oh, your picture. Yes,
look at that. That's sweet.
13
00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:40,111
You got the pilgrim shaking
hands with the Indian...
14
00:00:40,711 --> 00:00:42,243
Watching TV.
15
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:45,315
It's a computer.
16
00:00:45,316 --> 00:00:47,278
They're ordering
a turkey online.
17
00:00:49,380 --> 00:00:51,781
Oh. Okay, I see that. It's
plugged into Plymouth Rock.
18
00:00:51,782 --> 00:00:53,123
Oh.
19
00:00:53,124 --> 00:00:54,554
Here's mine.
Okay.
20
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:58,388
It's a lady Indian putting
her Thanksgiving groceries
21
00:00:58,389 --> 00:01:00,090
in her minivan.
Oh.
22
00:01:00,091 --> 00:01:03,563
And that's Paris Hilton
looking down from her jet.
23
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,836
Jim, I'm thinking you should
buy a boat with the college fund
24
00:01:06,837 --> 00:01:09,369
'cause it don't look
like it's happening.
25
00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:13,803
Scooch!
Give me some room.
26
00:01:13,804 --> 00:01:17,177
Girls, the pilgrims did not have
everything that we have today.
27
00:01:17,178 --> 00:01:19,579
They had to grow their own food.
28
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:21,281
They had to hunt
with bows and arrows.
29
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,814
They had to make their own
clothes, kind of like strict hippies.
30
00:01:25,456 --> 00:01:27,717
I'm glad we don't
have to do that now.
31
00:01:27,718 --> 00:01:29,789
We'd starve to death.
Mmm-hmm.
32
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,692
No, we wouldn't. Daddy
would hunt us a turkey.
33
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:34,265
(ALL LAUGHING)
34
00:01:36,727 --> 00:01:38,598
Is that adorable?
35
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:39,829
What are you talking
about, adorable?
36
00:01:39,830 --> 00:01:42,332
It's true.
I could do it.
37
00:01:42,333 --> 00:01:43,833
Girls, when it comes
to getting food,
38
00:01:43,834 --> 00:01:46,477
your dad's pretty much useless,
unless there's a drive thru.
39
00:01:47,608 --> 00:01:49,209
Don't listen to her.
40
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,610
She doesn't know
what she's talking about.
41
00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,212
If I had to,
I could go out there
42
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,113
and bag a turkey like that.
43
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,615
Oh, really?
When have you ever hunted?
44
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:57,218
I bagged you, didn't I?
45
00:02:00,151 --> 00:02:02,393
And if you were any smaller,
I'd have to throw you back.
46
00:02:04,625 --> 00:02:05,755
(HORN HONKING)
47
00:02:05,756 --> 00:02:07,597
CHERYL: School bus.
48
00:02:07,598 --> 00:02:08,828
All right, nice job, girls.
49
00:02:08,829 --> 00:02:11,501
Hey, have fun in prison.
Oh, Andy.
50
00:02:11,502 --> 00:02:12,902
CHERYL:
Love you. Love you.
51
00:02:12,903 --> 00:02:15,765
Have a good day at school,
girls. Love you to tears.
52
00:02:15,766 --> 00:02:18,208
I can't believe you two!
What?
53
00:02:18,209 --> 00:02:20,470
I can't believe
you actually insinuated
54
00:02:20,471 --> 00:02:23,513
in front of my children that
I could not provide for them!
55
00:02:23,514 --> 00:02:25,845
Honey! I just said
you weren't a hunter.
56
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:30,920
I am a hunter! I'm a natural
born hunter! I'm a caveman!
57
00:02:30,921 --> 00:02:35,154
You could drop me off in the middle
of Antarctica, and I would survive.
58
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:38,228
Cheryl, I know a guy.
We could do this.
59
00:02:38,229 --> 00:02:40,830
Oh. Come on! The closest
you ever came to hunting
60
00:02:40,831 --> 00:02:42,292
was when you poked around
in the grass for a hot dog
61
00:02:42,293 --> 00:02:44,434
that rolled off the grill.
62
00:02:44,435 --> 00:02:48,167
All I'm saying is, if I had
to do it, I could do it.
63
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:51,871
Actually, Jim, I know a place where
you can go and hunt your own turkey.
64
00:02:51,872 --> 00:02:54,504
I'm all ears. It's just
across state line.
65
00:02:54,505 --> 00:02:57,207
Yeah, yeah, they stock
the woods full of wild turkeys
66
00:02:57,208 --> 00:02:59,379
and supply you
with your own crossbow.
67
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:01,551
Really?
No, no, no, Jim!
68
00:03:01,552 --> 00:03:03,453
You've never even used
a crossbow.
69
00:03:03,454 --> 00:03:07,287
Cheryl, please. I've seen
Braveheart three times.
70
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,460
I think I know my way
around a crossbow, okay?
71
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,522
Okay, you're not seriously
thinking about...
72
00:03:12,523 --> 00:03:14,394
I'm done thinking.
Forget it.
73
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,426
My primal instincts
have just kicked in.
74
00:03:16,427 --> 00:03:20,230
Tomorrow, I hunt, I feast,
75
00:03:20,231 --> 00:03:21,402
then I breed.
76
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:30,611
JIM: Oh, baby!
77
00:03:34,645 --> 00:03:37,317
Hey, it's nice to meet you.
We'll see you out there.
78
00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:40,351
Hey, check out this hat
I got in the gift shop.
79
00:03:41,592 --> 00:03:44,594
Can you believe it was on sale?
80
00:03:44,595 --> 00:03:46,597
You look like Elmer Fudd.
81
00:03:47,998 --> 00:03:50,660
Now, to entice a bird
within shooting range,
82
00:03:50,661 --> 00:03:53,763
you want to make a few
soft clucks on your turkey call.
83
00:03:53,764 --> 00:03:55,605
Let's all try it together.
84
00:03:55,606 --> 00:03:56,767
(CLUCKING)
85
00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:02,712
One last thing.
While you're hunting,
86
00:04:02,713 --> 00:04:04,844
keep an eye out for angry Pete,
87
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:07,477
the meanest, nastiest
bird in these woods.
88
00:04:07,478 --> 00:04:09,649
Some say he's just a legend.
89
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,452
Ah, he's no legend.
90
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:20,760
He's 40 pounds
of feathered fury, he is,
91
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:25,295
with 3-inch flesh-ripping spurs,
92
00:04:25,296 --> 00:04:26,667
and he likes to use them.
93
00:04:27,638 --> 00:04:29,038
(SHUDDERS)
94
00:04:29,039 --> 00:04:31,741
Andy, relax. This old
drunk's just part of the show.
95
00:04:31,742 --> 00:04:33,344
Who said that?
96
00:04:37,648 --> 00:04:39,649
Is this just part of the show?
97
00:04:39,650 --> 00:04:40,851
Oh!
98
00:04:42,012 --> 00:04:44,784
Oh, good God!
99
00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:47,717
Oh! Hey, you mind
closing the curtain there?
100
00:04:47,718 --> 00:04:51,060
I'm starting to taste
my waffles again.
101
00:04:51,061 --> 00:04:55,895
So remember, keep an
eye out for angry Pete.
102
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,067
(CHUCKLES)
103
00:04:59,930 --> 00:05:02,533
Why don't they put an olive or
a marble in there or something?
104
00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:08,538
All right, people, find your
hunting guides, and let's head out.
105
00:05:08,539 --> 00:05:10,540
These birds are happy and free.
106
00:05:10,541 --> 00:05:12,413
They ain't gonna
kill themselves.
107
00:05:14,044 --> 00:05:15,386
(TURKEY CALL CLUCKING)
108
00:05:18,549 --> 00:05:20,520
Oh, this is stupid!
What?
109
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:23,393
Guides and gift shops
110
00:05:23,394 --> 00:05:25,425
and old men with patches.
111
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,757
You know what? The
cavemen never hunted like this.
112
00:05:27,758 --> 00:05:31,101
No, if we were real men, we'd
go out there naked with clubs.
113
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:36,906
Hey, we'd all love to run
around the forest naked,
114
00:05:36,907 --> 00:05:39,509
okay, but there are a lot
of hunters in those woods,
115
00:05:39,510 --> 00:05:41,011
and parts of me
look like a turkey.
116
00:05:45,075 --> 00:05:49,449
Besides, that angry Pete
seems kinda scary.
117
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:50,930
Not as scary as
what you just told me.
118
00:05:54,354 --> 00:05:55,755
You know what?
Hmm?
119
00:05:55,756 --> 00:05:57,387
Let's ditch these guys.
120
00:05:57,388 --> 00:05:59,459
Let's go hunt like real men.
121
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:00,730
I'll tell you what we'll do.
122
00:06:00,731 --> 00:06:01,991
We'll go out there with them,
123
00:06:01,992 --> 00:06:03,663
then you fall down to the ground
124
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:04,994
you know, fake like
you had a heart attack.
125
00:06:04,995 --> 00:06:07,667
And during the hubbub,
I'll sneak away.
126
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:08,968
And when the paramedics come,
127
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,740
let 'em hit you once
with the paddles,
128
00:06:10,741 --> 00:06:13,142
get up, say, "Hey,
thanks for saving my life,"
129
00:06:13,143 --> 00:06:15,045
and then sneak off
and try to find me.
130
00:06:19,149 --> 00:06:20,781
Or we could just go that way.
131
00:06:22,483 --> 00:06:24,884
Yeah.
Okay.
132
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:27,558
But you know what? I
wanna try that plan some day.
133
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,762
You want to know which
part looks like a turkey? No!
134
00:06:34,565 --> 00:06:36,025
(TURKEY CALL CLUCKING)
135
00:06:36,026 --> 00:06:38,928
Turkey fun fact number 13, Jim.
136
00:06:38,929 --> 00:06:41,701
The first meal eaten on
the moon by Neil Armstrong?
137
00:06:41,702 --> 00:06:43,633
Roast turkey in a foil packet.
138
00:06:43,634 --> 00:06:45,134
(CHUCKLES)
139
00:06:45,135 --> 00:06:47,907
Well, I guess we don't
need these crossbows.
140
00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,780
'Cause you're gonna bore
the birds to death!
141
00:06:50,781 --> 00:06:53,443
Oh, well, I'm sorry,
but I'm cold,
142
00:06:53,444 --> 00:06:55,114
I'm tired,
and to top it all off,
143
00:06:55,115 --> 00:06:57,888
later, I get to squat over a
mirror and do a tick check.
144
00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:00,950
Well, I'm sorry. I didn't
know you were cold.
145
00:07:00,951 --> 00:07:02,453
And a girl!
146
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:04,694
Why don't you just
prance on back
147
00:07:04,695 --> 00:07:06,055
to your little guide?
148
00:07:06,056 --> 00:07:08,658
Did it ever occur to you
that they call them guides
149
00:07:08,659 --> 00:07:10,530
because they guide you
to the birds?
150
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,532
Oh, shut up!
No, you shut up!
151
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:13,933
No, you shut up!
Shut your mouth right now!
152
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,034
You know what?
153
00:07:15,035 --> 00:07:17,006
I really wish there
was an angry Pete
154
00:07:17,007 --> 00:07:19,540
so he could slash me to ribbons
and put me out of my misery!
155
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,672
You may get your wish.
156
00:07:22,673 --> 00:07:25,214
Oh, no! I don't want to die
like this, Jim! I want to live!
157
00:07:25,215 --> 00:07:26,676
Just fire!
158
00:07:26,677 --> 00:07:28,818
Go back to hell
where you came from!
159
00:07:28,819 --> 00:07:29,950
Reload.
160
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:31,951
(BOTH GRUNTING)
161
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:33,653
Damn it, this sucks!
162
00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:35,085
How did Braveheart do it?
163
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,591
(EXCLAIMING)
164
00:07:41,592 --> 00:07:42,793
Come on!
165
00:07:46,897 --> 00:07:49,969
Oh! Hold your fire, Jim!
Hold your fire! What?
166
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,801
It's not angry Pete.
167
00:07:51,802 --> 00:07:53,604
It's a little bunny.
168
00:07:56,006 --> 00:08:00,109
We almost killed a poor,
defenseless, little bunny.
169
00:08:00,110 --> 00:08:02,582
How, by throwing candy at it?
170
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,915
I guess we could have
given it diabetes.
171
00:08:07,818 --> 00:08:09,559
Sorry I lost it, bro.
172
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:11,961
(EXHALES)
That's all right.
173
00:08:11,962 --> 00:08:14,163
Look, these woods
can get to you.
174
00:08:14,164 --> 00:08:17,898
Many a man has been known to do
weird things out here in the woods.
175
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,971
You know what I'm talking about!
176
00:08:23,273 --> 00:08:25,605
Move. I got to go pee.
177
00:08:25,606 --> 00:08:28,578
Fine. I'm gonna take me
a little candy break.
178
00:08:28,579 --> 00:08:31,210
Nothing like a brush with death
179
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:34,284
to put you in the mood
for fine English caramel.
180
00:08:44,825 --> 00:08:47,296
(CLUCKING)
181
00:08:47,297 --> 00:08:49,298
Andy, will you knock it off?
182
00:08:49,299 --> 00:08:50,831
I'm trying to focus here.
183
00:08:53,764 --> 00:08:55,035
(CLUCKING)
184
00:09:00,871 --> 00:09:02,572
Uh...
185
00:09:02,573 --> 00:09:04,674
Andy, will you stop it?
186
00:09:04,675 --> 00:09:05,916
(MUFFLED)
187
00:09:07,578 --> 00:09:08,949
Andy, enough!
188
00:09:17,187 --> 00:09:18,258
(SCREAMING)
189
00:09:22,593 --> 00:09:25,164
(EXCLAIMING)
190
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,997
Get it! Andy!
191
00:09:46,787 --> 00:09:49,358
Hey, honey!
Hi!
192
00:09:49,359 --> 00:09:51,961
What happened?
Did you get a turkey?
193
00:09:51,962 --> 00:09:54,964
Yes, I did. I told you
I would, and I did.
194
00:09:54,965 --> 00:09:56,926
Wow!
195
00:09:56,927 --> 00:09:59,598
You know, I got to confess,
I thought for sure one of you
196
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,070
would come home
with an arrow in your butt.
197
00:10:01,071 --> 00:10:02,102
Oh!
198
00:10:03,774 --> 00:10:05,705
So, honey, where's the turkey?
199
00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,837
Well, Andy's got it. He's
bringing it. And it's a beaut.
200
00:10:07,838 --> 00:10:09,238
He's having it cleaned right now
201
00:10:09,239 --> 00:10:11,841
on their onsite turkey
cleaning service.
202
00:10:11,842 --> 00:10:14,945
It's gonna look just like
a store-bought turkey.
203
00:10:16,286 --> 00:10:18,617
Well, I got to say, honey,
I was wrong.
204
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,050
Hunter!
Hunter-gatherer!
205
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:22,792
You really are a caveman.
206
00:10:22,793 --> 00:10:25,124
That's right!
That's right!
207
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,027
Well, Fred and Barney did good.
208
00:10:28,258 --> 00:10:30,359
Come on, sit down.
Tell me all about it.
209
00:10:30,360 --> 00:10:32,631
No, no, no, honey, I
don't want to sit right now.
210
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,303
You know what? I
got all this adrenaline
211
00:10:34,304 --> 00:10:35,935
running through my
system from hunting.
212
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:39,208
This hunter is thirsty!
How about a beer!
213
00:10:39,209 --> 00:10:41,771
Well, of course. Anything
for my big strong hunter.
214
00:10:41,772 --> 00:10:43,412
I love ya.
I love ya.
215
00:10:43,413 --> 00:10:45,015
Breeding later.
216
00:10:49,419 --> 00:10:51,280
How about some chips?
217
00:10:51,281 --> 00:10:53,023
Hey, I'm not married to you.
218
00:10:54,084 --> 00:10:55,325
Fine. Get out.
219
00:11:01,862 --> 00:11:03,292
What, you want some dip, too?
220
00:11:03,293 --> 00:11:05,896
Yeah. They rhyme
for a reason.
221
00:11:07,437 --> 00:11:09,770
Chips, dip! Chips,
dip! Chips, dip!
222
00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,172
(GROANING)
223
00:11:20,150 --> 00:11:22,311
Oh!
224
00:11:22,312 --> 00:11:26,215
Well, my friend we are
good to go. (CHUCKLES)
225
00:11:26,216 --> 00:11:27,416
You got the turkey?
226
00:11:27,417 --> 00:11:29,859
Yeah. And get this.
For free.
227
00:11:29,860 --> 00:11:31,190
No kidding!
228
00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,794
Yeah. All I had to do was
spend $100 on groceries.
229
00:11:34,925 --> 00:11:37,827
There's just one thing,
and don't freak out.
230
00:11:37,828 --> 00:11:39,398
(THUD)
The bird's frozen.
231
00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:41,871
What?
232
00:11:41,872 --> 00:11:44,303
You got a frozen bird?
You got a frozen turkey?
233
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:45,805
What were you thinking?
234
00:11:45,806 --> 00:11:48,237
Why do I even bother
saying, "Don't freak out"?
235
00:11:48,238 --> 00:11:52,041
Oh, look, it's a butterball
holding a turkey.
236
00:11:52,042 --> 00:11:55,314
Wow. How big is
that thing? 22 pounds.
237
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:58,017
Yeah, it's plucked,
cleaned, and flash frozen
238
00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,820
right there at the place.
239
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:03,754
They freeze it just so
you can thaw it out again?
240
00:12:04,354 --> 00:12:06,095
Yeah.
241
00:12:06,096 --> 00:12:08,297
Because, you know...
242
00:12:08,298 --> 00:12:12,131
It's Indiana. You know them.
They freeze everything.
243
00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:15,204
Yep, basketball
and freezing stuff.
244
00:12:15,205 --> 00:12:18,337
JIM AND ANDY: Hoosiers.
(CHUCKLES)
245
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:20,009
Okay, I'm gonna get
this thing in the fridge.
246
00:12:20,010 --> 00:12:21,140
Come on, Dana.
247
00:12:21,141 --> 00:12:22,812
What do you want me to do?
248
00:12:22,813 --> 00:12:24,845
I killed today.
Don't push me.
249
00:12:27,918 --> 00:12:29,248
Hey!
250
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,220
Maybe we should
do this every year.
251
00:12:31,221 --> 00:12:33,502
Oh, I don't know, Cheryl.
It's kind of a pain in the butt.
252
00:12:37,187 --> 00:12:38,427
Hello, my son.
253
00:12:38,428 --> 00:12:40,289
Daddy, I made you a cow.
254
00:12:40,290 --> 00:12:42,232
Oh, that's very ni...
(EXCLAIMS)
255
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,866
Ahh! Moo!
Said the cow! Ahh!
256
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:48,998
Can we do a horsey ride?
257
00:12:48,999 --> 00:12:50,940
No! Ahh! Neigh,
said the horse!
258
00:12:50,941 --> 00:12:52,272
Neigh, said
the horse! Ahh!
259
00:12:53,143 --> 00:12:54,403
Jim?
260
00:12:54,404 --> 00:12:56,145
Yes? Yes?
What's wrong?
261
00:12:56,146 --> 00:12:57,406
I'm playing with my boy!
262
00:12:57,407 --> 00:12:58,777
Faster, horsey!
263
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,010
Ahh, no, not faster!
Oh, you're killing me!
264
00:13:01,011 --> 00:13:03,012
You're killing me! Get off me!
Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!
265
00:13:03,013 --> 00:13:04,855
Get off me...
266
00:13:05,916 --> 00:13:07,157
Partner.
267
00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:13,022
Kyle, honey, why don't
you give Daddy a rest, okay?
268
00:13:13,023 --> 00:13:14,524
Thanks, sweetie.
269
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,028
Okay, Jim, what's wrong?
270
00:13:19,029 --> 00:13:20,499
I don't know.
271
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,302
That kid gets on my nerves.
272
00:13:24,534 --> 00:13:26,976
You know, it looks like
you're in a lot of pain.
273
00:13:26,977 --> 00:13:28,437
Oh, really?
274
00:13:28,438 --> 00:13:29,909
Is there something
you want to tell me?
275
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:32,442
Cheryl!
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
276
00:13:35,485 --> 00:13:39,018
Why do I think that has something
to do with the explanation?
277
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,150
Cheryl!
278
00:13:43,894 --> 00:13:45,055
(CRASH)
279
00:13:48,028 --> 00:13:52,432
Cheryl! There is a pop-up
thermometer in the turkey!
280
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:58,037
He bought it at a
supermarket. He's a big fat liar.
281
00:13:58,038 --> 00:13:59,069
Jim?
282
00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,075
Okay, you want
to know the truth?
283
00:14:05,615 --> 00:14:07,277
Here's the story.
284
00:14:08,418 --> 00:14:10,020
And it's a good story.
285
00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:14,553
We're driving. We
got the bird in the car.
286
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:17,186
All of a sudden we run into
these creepy hill people, right?
287
00:14:17,187 --> 00:14:19,028
It was either
give them the bird,
288
00:14:19,029 --> 00:14:21,591
or the toothless one was gonna
make a woman out of Andy.
289
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:26,035
Right, Andy?
290
00:14:26,036 --> 00:14:28,367
Yeah, yeah, yeah, a woman.
291
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,640
And I wasn't in the mood
for that at all.
292
00:14:32,102 --> 00:14:33,642
No, no, no, no.
293
00:14:33,643 --> 00:14:36,076
He'll take whatever he
can get. They're lying.
294
00:14:37,908 --> 00:14:40,409
Jim, what happened out there?
295
00:14:40,410 --> 00:14:43,583
You want the truth,
right? Okay, here it is.
296
00:14:47,017 --> 00:14:49,459
I got shot in the ass
with an arrow.
297
00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,421
By Andy!
What?
298
00:14:52,422 --> 00:14:55,595
Oh, my God, I knew it,
Cheryl! You owe me 10 bucks.
299
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:58,397
Dana! Andy!
300
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,229
I mean, you should have
seen him out there,
301
00:15:00,230 --> 00:15:02,001
goofing around.
Oh, Mr. Goofball.
302
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:04,273
"I'm having fun
with a crossbow."
303
00:15:04,274 --> 00:15:06,936
How could you be
so irresponsible?
304
00:15:06,937 --> 00:15:09,478
I'm irresponsible? Yeah,
you're a big clod with a crossbow!
305
00:15:09,479 --> 00:15:12,912
I'm not the one who got
shot in the butt by a turkey!
306
00:15:15,185 --> 00:15:18,347
Come again? Yeah,
yeah, that's right.
307
00:15:18,348 --> 00:15:20,919
Yeah, a turkey
pecked at his crossbow
308
00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,592
and shot him
while he was peeing.
309
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:26,596
(LAUGHING)
310
00:15:29,129 --> 00:15:30,930
Wait, wait, stop it!
311
00:15:31,601 --> 00:15:33,262
Jim...
312
00:15:33,263 --> 00:15:36,306
Okay, so you went into
the woods to shoot a turkey,
313
00:15:37,267 --> 00:15:38,708
and... and...
314
00:15:40,310 --> 00:15:42,542
And a turkey shot you?
315
00:15:44,574 --> 00:15:48,578
Oh, my God, this year I have
so much to be thankful for!
316
00:15:50,720 --> 00:15:52,721
Yeah, go ahead,
laugh at my pain.
317
00:15:52,722 --> 00:15:54,523
Very funny.
(MOCK LAUGHTER)
318
00:15:54,524 --> 00:15:57,226
Well, I don't have to sit here
and watch you laugh.
319
00:15:57,227 --> 00:15:58,957
Why, because you have
a booboo on your tushie?
320
00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,090
(LAUGHING)
321
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,692
Come on, Dana, that's enough.
322
00:16:03,693 --> 00:16:07,237
Jim's hurting. Let's not
make him the butt of our jokes.
323
00:16:09,699 --> 00:16:13,072
Yeah, just the kind of lowbrow
humor I'd expect from you guys.
324
00:16:13,073 --> 00:16:14,144
Oh!
325
00:16:14,744 --> 00:16:16,605
(CLUCKING)
326
00:16:16,606 --> 00:16:19,479
Ah, Jim, look out!
Here comes angry Pete!
327
00:16:26,756 --> 00:16:28,757
Oh, poor baby.
328
00:16:28,758 --> 00:16:31,220
Is the ice helping
with the soreness?
329
00:16:31,221 --> 00:16:32,692
No, but you are.
330
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,294
Oh. You know, baby,
cheer up.
331
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:37,496
I'm making six potato dishes
for tomorrow night.
332
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,269
One of them is almost
all mayonnaise.
333
00:16:41,101 --> 00:16:45,504
Cheryl, mayonnaise is
not gonna fix it this time.
334
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:48,477
I know the turkey thing didn't
turn out the way you wanted,
335
00:16:48,478 --> 00:16:50,179
but we're still gonna have
a great Thanksgiving.
336
00:16:50,180 --> 00:16:53,112
Andy picked out
a really nice bird.
337
00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,214
Oh.
338
00:16:54,784 --> 00:16:56,246
(KNOCKING)
339
00:17:03,593 --> 00:17:06,256
Hey, anybody out there?
340
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,402
Come on, it's hot in here!
341
00:17:18,238 --> 00:17:19,409
Ahh...
342
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,478
Hiya, Jimmy!
343
00:17:30,420 --> 00:17:33,183
It's me, angry Pete.
344
00:17:34,624 --> 00:17:38,088
Look at you, the fearless
hunter of the woods.
345
00:17:39,429 --> 00:17:41,560
How's your ass, pally?
346
00:17:41,561 --> 00:17:43,433
(LAUGHING)
347
00:17:46,396 --> 00:17:49,738
From now on, loser, get
your turkeys at the store
348
00:17:49,739 --> 00:17:52,771
like the rest of the housewives.
349
00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:57,206
Meanwhile, I'll still be
strutting around those woods
350
00:17:57,207 --> 00:17:59,848
waiting for a real man
to shoot me.
351
00:17:59,849 --> 00:18:02,152
(LAUGHING)
352
00:18:03,183 --> 00:18:04,484
Ow, ow, ow! My neck.
353
00:18:06,116 --> 00:18:07,686
I know what you are.
354
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,359
You're nothing but
a gas station hot dog
355
00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:11,621
mixed with pain medication.
356
00:18:12,622 --> 00:18:13,623
What?
357
00:18:14,864 --> 00:18:16,295
Nothing.
358
00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:18,597
Andy!
359
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:21,271
Get your coat and that stupid
hat! We're going hunting!
360
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,873
ANDY: I hate you!
361
00:18:24,874 --> 00:18:27,706
Honey, we already have a turkey.
362
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,608
Yes! We got
a store-bought turkey.
363
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:31,841
And you know who buys
store-bought turkeys?
364
00:18:32,742 --> 00:18:33,883
Everybody?
365
00:18:34,884 --> 00:18:36,585
No, losers!
366
00:18:36,586 --> 00:18:38,887
Losers and failures!
367
00:18:38,888 --> 00:18:40,619
You're not a loser or a failure.
368
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,351
You're a good man,
369
00:18:42,352 --> 00:18:44,393
and you take great care of us.
370
00:18:44,394 --> 00:18:46,426
I want to be
a caveman! Ow!
371
00:18:48,628 --> 00:18:50,229
Why are we doing this?
372
00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:51,500
I can't explain it.
373
00:18:51,501 --> 00:18:53,733
Mostly because it involves
a hallucination.
374
00:18:58,338 --> 00:18:59,708
Come on!
375
00:18:59,709 --> 00:19:01,470
Great.
376
00:19:01,471 --> 00:19:04,673
He's on painkillers,
and we're going hunting.
377
00:19:04,674 --> 00:19:08,277
If I don't make it back,
the stuff under my bed?
378
00:19:08,278 --> 00:19:09,919
I'm just storing for a friend.
379
00:19:15,525 --> 00:19:17,526
Jim, I'm sorry.
380
00:19:17,527 --> 00:19:19,428
I know you want to keep going,
381
00:19:19,429 --> 00:19:21,390
but you can't hunt in the dark.
382
00:19:21,391 --> 00:19:23,511
Besides, your hill people
story really creeped me out.
383
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,894
I can't believe it.
384
00:19:25,895 --> 00:19:27,815
I can't believe we actually
got beat by a turkey.
385
00:19:28,498 --> 00:19:30,239
Jim, come on!
386
00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,601
It's not just any turkey.
It's angry Pete.
387
00:19:32,602 --> 00:19:35,344
You don't get your face on
an oven mitt in the gift shop
388
00:19:35,345 --> 00:19:37,546
unless you're a legend.
389
00:19:37,547 --> 00:19:40,509
I know, but I really
thought we could do it.
390
00:19:40,510 --> 00:19:42,411
Turns out I'm gonna be
just another modern man
391
00:19:42,412 --> 00:19:45,484
eating a store-bought
turkey this Thanksgiving.
392
00:19:45,485 --> 00:19:47,387
I want to be a caveman!
393
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:51,921
(SIGHS) Well, I guess
angry Pete was right.
394
00:19:52,662 --> 00:19:53,723
What?
395
00:19:56,426 --> 00:20:00,269
I don't know. He was
ragging on me in the kitchen,
396
00:20:00,270 --> 00:20:03,702
talking to me about what
a loser and a failure I am.
397
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,374
Stupid turkey.
398
00:20:05,375 --> 00:20:06,806
I hate him, I hate him!
399
00:20:07,437 --> 00:20:08,707
Yeah...
400
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,880
Jim, why don't you pull over
and let me do the driving?
401
00:20:11,881 --> 00:20:13,482
I'm fine. No, no, no,
you look a little tired.
402
00:20:13,483 --> 00:20:14,883
I'm fine!
No, you're gonna kill us!
403
00:20:14,884 --> 00:20:16,615
What are you doing?
404
00:20:16,616 --> 00:20:17,986
(BOTH SCREAMING)
405
00:20:17,987 --> 00:20:19,688
What was that?
406
00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:20,920
What was that?
407
00:20:34,804 --> 00:20:35,865
(SCREAMS)
408
00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:37,906
Is that...
409
00:20:37,907 --> 00:20:40,409
That's angry Pete!
410
00:20:40,410 --> 00:20:42,571
I killed angry Pete!
411
00:20:42,572 --> 00:20:46,875
Well, Jim, I think this was more of a
traffic accident than a hunting victory.
412
00:20:46,876 --> 00:20:48,877
Andy, I don't care
what you call it.
413
00:20:48,878 --> 00:20:52,482
I came out here to get angry
Pete, I bagged angry Pete!
414
00:20:53,483 --> 00:20:55,624
Not so angry now, are you, Pete?
415
00:20:55,625 --> 00:20:57,556
I win! I win!
416
00:20:57,557 --> 00:21:00,329
I'm a caveman!
I'm a caveman! Ow!
417
00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:01,730
Stitches!
418
00:21:01,731 --> 00:21:03,892
Okay, can we get out of here?
419
00:21:03,893 --> 00:21:06,365
I'm cold and I'm wet.
420
00:21:06,366 --> 00:21:08,438
What the hell happened to you?
421
00:21:09,569 --> 00:21:12,671
That turkey scared
the hell out of me.
422
00:21:12,672 --> 00:21:15,644
Let's just throw this roadkill
in the back and get out of here.
423
00:21:15,645 --> 00:21:19,348
No, no, no, no. I'm
not losing this one.
424
00:21:19,349 --> 00:21:21,650
Pete rides up front with me.
425
00:21:21,651 --> 00:21:23,051
What?
426
00:21:23,052 --> 00:21:24,784
Well, then where am I riding?
28804
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