Original subtitles

Daddy, want to see the picture I drew for school

of the first Thanksgiving?

Sure. I got plenty of time.

It's not like I'm worried about the breakfast

your mother slaved over getting cold.

Would you give me a break? I'm gonna be cooking for eight hours on Thursday.

Honey, today's Tuesday. You need two days' rest to work eight hours?

Are they hiring where you work?

Yeah, don't bother. My boss only likes blondes.

Why are you hovering?

My picture?

Oh, your picture. Yes, look at that. That's sweet.

You got the pilgrim shaking hands with the Indian...

Watching TV.

It's a computer.

They're ordering a turkey online.

Oh. Okay, I see that. It's plugged into Plymouth Rock.

Oh.

Here's mine. Okay.

It's a lady Indian putting her Thanksgiving groceries

in her minivan. Oh.

And that's Paris Hilton looking down from her jet.

Jim, I'm thinking you should buy a boat with the college fund

'cause it don't look like it's happening.

Scooch! Give me some room.

Girls, the pilgrims did not have everything that we have today.

They had to grow their own food.

They had to hunt with bows and arrows.

They had to make their own clothes, kind of like strict hippies.

I'm glad we don't have to do that now.

We'd starve to death. Mmm-hmm.

No, we wouldn't. Daddy would hunt us a turkey.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Is that adorable?

What are you talking about, adorable?

It's true. I could do it.

Girls, when it comes to getting food,

your dad's pretty much useless, unless there's a drive thru.

Don't listen to her.

She doesn't know what she's talking about.

If I had to, I could go out there

and bag a turkey like that.

Oh, really? When have you ever hunted?

I bagged you, didn't I?

And if you were any smaller, I'd have to throw you back.

(HORN HONKING)

CHERYL: School bus.

All right, nice job, girls.

Hey, have fun in prison. Oh, Andy.

CHERYL: Love you. Love you.

Have a good day at school, girls. Love you to tears.

I can't believe you two! What?

I can't believe you actually insinuated

in front of my children that I could not provide for them!

Honey! I just said you weren't a hunter.

I am a hunter! I'm a natural born hunter! I'm a caveman!

You could drop me off in the middle of Antarctica, and I would survive.

Cheryl, I know a guy. We could do this.

Oh. Come on! The closest you ever came to hunting

was when you poked around in the grass for a hot dog

that rolled off the grill.

All I'm saying is, if I had to do it, I could do it.

Actually, Jim, I know a place where you can go and hunt your own turkey.

I'm all ears. It's just across state line.

Yeah, yeah, they stock the woods full of wild turkeys

and supply you with your own crossbow.

Really? No, no, no, Jim!

You've never even used a crossbow.

Cheryl, please. I've seen Braveheart three times.

I think I know my way around a crossbow, okay?

Okay, you're not seriously thinking about...

I'm done thinking. Forget it.

My primal instincts have just kicked in.

Tomorrow, I hunt, I feast,

then I breed.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Hey, it's nice to meet you. We'll see you out there.

Hey, check out this hat I got in the gift shop.

Can you believe it was on sale?

You look like Elmer Fudd.

Now, to entice a bird within shooting range,

you want to make a few soft clucks on your turkey call.

Let's all try it together.

(CLUCKING)

One last thing. While you're hunting,

keep an eye out for angry Pete,

the meanest, nastiest bird in these woods.

Some say he's just a legend.

Ah, he's no legend.

He's 40 pounds of feathered fury, he is,

with 3-inch flesh-ripping spurs,

and he likes to use them.

(SHUDDERS)

Andy, relax. This old drunk's just part of the show.

Who said that?

Is this just part of the show?

Oh!

Oh, good God!

Oh! Hey, you mind closing the curtain there?

I'm starting to taste my waffles again.

So remember, keep an eye out for angry Pete.

(CHUCKLES)

Why don't they put an olive or a marble in there or something?

All right, people, find your hunting guides, and let's head out.

These birds are happy and free.

They ain't gonna kill themselves.

(TURKEY CALL CLUCKING)

Oh, this is stupid! What?

Guides and gift shops

and old men with patches.

You know what? The cavemen never hunted like this.

No, if we were real men, we'd go out there naked with clubs.

Hey, we'd all love to run around the forest naked,

okay, but there are a lot of hunters in those woods,

and parts of me look like a turkey.

Besides, that angry Pete seems kinda scary.

Not as scary as what you just told me.

You know what? Hmm?

Let's ditch these guys.

Let's go hunt like real men.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll go out there with them,

then you fall down to the ground

you know, fake like you had a heart attack.

And during the hubbub, I'll sneak away.

And when the paramedics come,

let 'em hit you once with the paddles,

get up, say, "Hey, thanks for saving my life,"

and then sneak off and try to find me.

Or we could just go that way.

Yeah. Okay.

But you know what? I wanna try that plan some day.

You want to know which part looks like a turkey? No!

(TURKEY CALL CLUCKING)

Turkey fun fact number 13, Jim.

The first meal eaten on the moon by Neil Armstrong?

Roast turkey in a foil packet.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I guess we don't need these crossbows.

'Cause you're gonna bore the birds to death!

Oh, well, I'm sorry, but I'm cold,

I'm tired, and to top it all off,

later, I get to squat over a mirror and do a tick check.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were cold.

And a girl!

Why don't you just prance on back

to your little guide?

Did it ever occur to you that they call them guides

because they guide you to the birds?

Oh, shut up! No, you shut up!

No, you shut up! Shut your mouth right now!

You know what?

I really wish there was an angry Pete

so he could slash me to ribbons and put me out of my misery!

You may get your wish.

Oh, no! I don't want to die like this, Jim! I want to live!

Just fire!

Go back to hell where you came from!

Reload.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Damn it, this sucks!

How did Braveheart do it?

(EXCLAIMING)

Come on!

Oh! Hold your fire, Jim! Hold your fire! What?

It's not angry Pete.

It's a little bunny.

We almost killed a poor, defenseless, little bunny.

How, by throwing candy at it?

I guess we could have given it diabetes.

Sorry I lost it, bro.

(EXHALES) That's all right.

Look, these woods can get to you.

Many a man has been known to do weird things out here in the woods.

You know what I'm talking about!

Move. I got to go pee.

Fine. I'm gonna take me a little candy break.

Nothing like a brush with death

to put you in the mood for fine English caramel.

(CLUCKING)

Andy, will you knock it off?

I'm trying to focus here.

(CLUCKING)

Uh...

Andy, will you stop it?

(MUFFLED)

Andy, enough!

(SCREAMING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Get it! Andy!

Hey, honey! Hi!

What happened? Did you get a turkey?

Yes, I did. I told you I would, and I did.

Wow!

You know, I got to confess, I thought for sure one of you

would come home with an arrow in your butt.

Oh!

So, honey, where's the turkey?

Well, Andy's got it. He's bringing it. And it's a beaut.

He's having it cleaned right now

on their onsite turkey cleaning service.

It's gonna look just like a store-bought turkey.

Well, I got to say, honey, I was wrong.

Hunter! Hunter-gatherer!

You really are a caveman.

That's right! That's right!

Well, Fred and Barney did good.

Come on, sit down. Tell me all about it.

No, no, no, honey, I don't want to sit right now.

You know what? I got all this adrenaline

running through my system from hunting.

This hunter is thirsty! How about a beer!

Well, of course. Anything for my big strong hunter.

I love ya. I love ya.

Breeding later.

How about some chips?

Hey, I'm not married to you.

Fine. Get out.

What, you want some dip, too?

Yeah. They rhyme for a reason.

Chips, dip! Chips, dip! Chips, dip!

(GROANING)

Oh!

Well, my friend we are good to go. (CHUCKLES)

You got the turkey?

Yeah. And get this. For free.

No kidding!

Yeah. All I had to do was spend $100 on groceries.

There's just one thing, and don't freak out.

(THUD) The bird's frozen.

What?

You got a frozen bird? You got a frozen turkey?

What were you thinking?

Why do I even bother saying, "Don't freak out"?

Oh, look, it's a butterball holding a turkey.

Wow. How big is that thing? 22 pounds.

Yeah, it's plucked, cleaned, and flash frozen

right there at the place.

They freeze it just so you can thaw it out again?

Yeah.

Because, you know...

It's Indiana. You know them. They freeze everything.

Yep, basketball and freezing stuff.

JIM AND ANDY: Hoosiers. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, I'm gonna get this thing in the fridge.

Come on, Dana.

What do you want me to do?

I killed today. Don't push me.

Hey!

Maybe we should do this every year.

Oh, I don't know, Cheryl. It's kind of a pain in the butt.

Hello, my son.

Daddy, I made you a cow.

Oh, that's very ni... (EXCLAIMS)

Ahh! Moo! Said the cow! Ahh!

Can we do a horsey ride?

No! Ahh! Neigh, said the horse!

Neigh, said the horse! Ahh!

Jim?

Yes? Yes? What's wrong?

I'm playing with my boy!

Faster, horsey!

Ahh, no, not faster! Oh, you're killing me!

You're killing me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me! Get off me!

Get off me...

Partner.

Kyle, honey, why don't you give Daddy a rest, okay?

Thanks, sweetie.

Okay, Jim, what's wrong?

I don't know.

That kid gets on my nerves.

You know, it looks like you're in a lot of pain.

Oh, really?

Is there something you want to tell me?

Cheryl! (MUFFLED SCREAM)

Why do I think that has something to do with the explanation?

Cheryl!

(CRASH)

Cheryl! There is a pop-up thermometer in the turkey!

He bought it at a supermarket. He's a big fat liar.

Jim?

Okay, you want to know the truth?

Here's the story.

And it's a good story.

We're driving. We got the bird in the car.

All of a sudden we run into these creepy hill people, right?

It was either give them the bird,

or the toothless one was gonna make a woman out of Andy.

Right, Andy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, a woman.

And I wasn't in the mood for that at all.

No, no, no, no.

He'll take whatever he can get. They're lying.

Jim, what happened out there?

You want the truth, right? Okay, here it is.

I got shot in the ass with an arrow.

By Andy! What?

Oh, my God, I knew it, Cheryl! You owe me 10 bucks.

Dana! Andy!

I mean, you should have seen him out there,

goofing around. Oh, Mr. Goofball.

"I'm having fun with a crossbow."

How could you be so irresponsible?

I'm irresponsible? Yeah, you're a big clod with a crossbow!

I'm not the one who got shot in the butt by a turkey!

Come again? Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Yeah, a turkey pecked at his crossbow

and shot him while he was peeing.

(LAUGHING)

Wait, wait, stop it!

Jim...

Okay, so you went into the woods to shoot a turkey,

and... and...

And a turkey shot you?

Oh, my God, this year I have so much to be thankful for!

Yeah, go ahead, laugh at my pain.

Very funny. (MOCK LAUGHTER)

Well, I don't have to sit here and watch you laugh.

Why, because you have a booboo on your tushie?

(LAUGHING)

Come on, Dana, that's enough.

Jim's hurting. Let's not make him the butt of our jokes.

Yeah, just the kind of lowbrow humor I'd expect from you guys.

Oh!

(CLUCKING)

Ah, Jim, look out! Here comes angry Pete!

Oh, poor baby.

Is the ice helping with the soreness?

No, but you are.

Oh. You know, baby, cheer up.

I'm making six potato dishes for tomorrow night.

One of them is almost all mayonnaise.

Cheryl, mayonnaise is not gonna fix it this time.

I know the turkey thing didn't turn out the way you wanted,

but we're still gonna have a great Thanksgiving.

Andy picked out a really nice bird.

Oh.

(KNOCKING)

Hey, anybody out there?

Come on, it's hot in here!

Ahh...

Hiya, Jimmy!

It's me, angry Pete.

Look at you, the fearless hunter of the woods.

How's your ass, pally?

(LAUGHING)

From now on, loser, get your turkeys at the store

like the rest of the housewives.

Meanwhile, I'll still be strutting around those woods

waiting for a real man to shoot me.

(LAUGHING)

Ow, ow, ow! My neck.

I know what you are.

You're nothing but a gas station hot dog

mixed with pain medication.

What?

Nothing.

Andy!

Get your coat and that stupid hat! We're going hunting!

ANDY: I hate you!

Honey, we already have a turkey.

Yes! We got a store-bought turkey.

And you know who buys store-bought turkeys?

Everybody?

No, losers!

Losers and failures!

You're not a loser or a failure.

You're a good man,

and you take great care of us.

I want to be a caveman! Ow!

Why are we doing this?

I can't explain it.

Mostly because it involves a hallucination.

Come on!

Great.

He's on painkillers, and we're going hunting.

If I don't make it back, the stuff under my bed?

I'm just storing for a friend.

Jim, I'm sorry.

I know you want to keep going,

but you can't hunt in the dark.

Besides, your hill people story really creeped me out.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe we actually got beat by a turkey.

Jim, come on!

It's not just any turkey. It's angry Pete.

You don't get your face on an oven mitt in the gift shop

unless you're a legend.

I know, but I really thought we could do it.

Turns out I'm gonna be just another modern man

eating a store-bought turkey this Thanksgiving.

I want to be a caveman!

(SIGHS) Well, I guess angry Pete was right.

What?

I don't know. He was ragging on me in the kitchen,

talking to me about what a loser and a failure I am.

Stupid turkey.

I hate him, I hate him!

Yeah...

Jim, why don't you pull over and let me do the driving?

I'm fine. No, no, no, you look a little tired.

I'm fine! No, you're gonna kill us!

What are you doing?

(BOTH SCREAMING)

What was that?

What was that?

(SCREAMS)

Is that...

That's angry Pete!

I killed angry Pete!

Well, Jim, I think this was more of a traffic accident than a hunting victory.

Andy, I don't care what you call it.

I came out here to get angry Pete, I bagged angry Pete!

Not so angry now, are you, Pete?

I win! I win!

I'm a caveman! I'm a caveman! Ow!

Stitches!

Okay, can we get out of here?

I'm cold and I'm wet.

What the hell happened to you?

That turkey scared the hell out of me.

Let's just throw this roadkill in the back and get out of here.

No, no, no, no. I'm not losing this one.

Pete rides up front with me.

What?

Well, then where am I riding?