Original subtitles

ALL: Oh... How old is he now?

Almost five months.

Oh, he's five... Is he the cutest baby, Dana?

He is so adorable.

He's adorable. Oh!

You know what?

I don't like those self-flushing toilets either.

Why not?

Because I like to make the decision.

Hey, hey, honey. You know Sheila.

We were talking about her last night, remember?

Remember? Remember?

Of course!

Hey, Sheila! Hi, Jim.

Well, hello, Sheila.

Mmm.

Husband still in the picture?

Uh, yes.

Ah. Really?

'Cause when I walked in here and looked at you,

you seemed kinda flirty.

I'm just sayin'...

Well, Sheila, Sheila, Sheila,

will you look at you?

You look great.

Doesn't she?

Yes, she does.

So, when's the baby due?

Huh? Ooh, look at you.

Looks like it's gonna be a big one!

Oh, yeah! Look at you!

Yes, you are! Yes, you are!

Jim. Jim.

I'm trying to bond with the baby, Cheryl.

Baby, baby, baby, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo!

I think it's gonna be twins.

Actually, Jim,

I already had the baby.

Five months ago. Hey.

Are you sure?

I thought I felt a kick.

Oh, you will later.

JIM: Oh, baby!

Okay, Sheila, we'll see you at the charity auction,

which is gonna be great.

And you know why? 'Cause you're great.

And you look great!

Okay! Bye-bye. Uh-huh, okay.

What the hell is the matter with you?

What?

I told you last night how depressed Sheila is

'cause she hasn't lost her baby weight.

Don't you remember?

All I remember hearing was, "Sheila," "weight," "baby,"

so when I saw her,

I figured "Sheila's waiting for her baby."

Oh!

In Jim's defense, she could use a few more crunches.

Do you have mirrors in your house?

Yes, I do.

'Cause I'm a player, and I gots to know how fly I look.

CHERYL: No, no, no, no. JIM: Cheryl...

Cheryl, no.

Jim, answer me this. Cheryl...

How come you can remember every sports statistic

in history, but you can't remember one simple thing

I told you last night?

Because men are programmed to remember certain stuff

and not remember other stuff.

Oh, come on.

Come on, Cheryl, it's just simple biology.

Where'd you read that, The New England Journal of Stupid Excuses?

Just admit you weren't listening to me!

I was listening, Cheryl. I just didn't take it in.

Like I don't when you go yammering on

about, you know, I don't know,

drapes and hairdressing or Dana.

All I hear is this kind of whooshing sound.

You know, like when you're at the beach

and you put a shell up to your ear.

Okay, okay, you know... If it's biology,

how come Andy hears me when I talk about that stuff?

Actually, I don't. Mmm-mmm.

I just smile and nod, but all I hear

is this hellish buzzing.

I really wish I had the beach thing.

Yeah.

Well, when I was your age, I had the buzzing,

but the beach thing is coming.

Oh.

That is a load.

You made a conscious decision not to listen.

Cheryl, the male brain is wired for, like,

sports stats and technical stuff.

And the female brain is wired to take in

feelings and recipes and fashion.

You know, Cheryl, he's right.

Like today, when I met with the CEO of the First Union Bank of Chicago,

all I could think was, "My belt matches my shoes. Hooray!"

Cheryl, think about it, will ya?

Okay, for example, how many times have I told you

how to reset the garage door

when the circuit breaker trips? Well...

Mmm-hmm. Or how to program your own cell phone.

Or, let us not forget about

the very super-complicated fire extinguisher.

I saved your life that day!

You set that fire that day!

Hey, you said get rid of the old tires.

You did not say how.

Cheryl, it's not your fault that you can't hear me.

It's just like I can't hear you

when you yammer on about some fat broad

and her postpartum depression.

Oh!

Okay, now I understand about the hellish buzzing sound.

You know what, Jim? Now because of you,

we're gonna have to buy something really expensive

at Sheila's charity dinner.

Sorry, all I heard was,

whoosh...

Whoosh...

(IMITATES SEAGULL)

"Dinner!"

Oh!

BOTH: (IN A SING-SONG VOICE) We're going on a sleepover!

We're going on a sleepover!

Not soon enough! Not soon enough!

All right, you guys, come on,

everybody in the car. We're gonna be late.

Come on, let's go. We got to drop the kids off,

and help Sheila set up the auction in like 20 minutes.

Yeah, that's why I said the running late part.

Oh, man, I left my purse and keys on the counter.

Oh, shoot! What?

Oh, the door's locked. But it's okay.

I can get in through the front,

'cause Jim keeps a spare key in a secret spot.

Under the mat?

Yeah.

(CLICKS)

Whoa! What was that?

Oh, nothing. The circuit just blew.

Oh, no! No, no, no, it's fine.

I just have to flip a switch. See?

Okay, still not moving. I think it's supposed to be moving.

Oh... That's the problem.

It's not moving. Thank you, Dana.

We're gonna be late.

No, no, I just have to reset the system.

Like Jim showed me.

Yeah, you just got to, um...

The buttons...

You were there when Jim explained it, weren't you?

Yeah, but all I heard was "keypad, buttons,"

and then that all faded away,

and I heard Donna Summer singing "MacArthur Park."

Oh, oh, I know.

(STUTTERS)

And we're out!

And we're not.

We're locked in the garage. (GROANS)

Are we gonna die, Mommy?

I never even kissed a boy.

No, no, no. Honey, no, no, no.

Mommy's gonna figure it out.

Mommy! CHERYL: Yeah?

I have to go pee-pee!

Mommy's gonna figure it out fast.

(SIGHS) Yeah, because we only have 20 minutes.

No, no, no, no.

Because Jim can't be right about men's and women's brains.

Because if Jim is right about this,

he'll think he's right about everything,

and I cannot sit there and listen

to how we're 10 years away

from the great ape rebellion.

Now come on, I need you to help me.

All right. We can do this.

Yes.

(SIGHS)

I think the secret is in these buttons.

You know, the green one's pretty,

and green means go...

Ha-ha!

No.

Oh, green and blue together,

'cause green and blue makes teal.

(SINGING MACARTHUR PARK)

(BOTH SINGING LOUDLY)

Mom! Mom! Mom!

I want to go to our sleepover!

I still have to go pee-pee!

When Jimmy Burke pulled my hair,

I should have kissed him! I'm such an idiot!

You know what, Dana? This is ridiculous.

We should be able to get out of a garage.

We are two highly intelligent women.

Right.

Let's go bang on the door and scream for help.

Help! Let us out!

We're sexy and grateful!

We're gonna die!

We're gonna starve to death!

No, we won't. We can eat Kyle.

No, I'm going to eat you!

Okay, okay, nobody's gonna eat anybody.

There's enough Corn Flakes on the floor of the minivan

to keep us fed for a month.

(GRUNTS)

What are you doing?

I am making a command decision.

Your leadership is getting us nowhere.

I'm gonna bust a hole in this door.

You are not gonna destroy my garage door!

All right, fine. Then we can just sit here

and wait for someone to discover us.

Like Jim.

Give me that.

All right, kids, stand back.

Mommy's got... Some kind of hammer.

KIDS: Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!

Mommy! Mom...

DANA: All right.

Okay. All right, girls.

Go out front, get the spare key, open the front door,

and come back around here.

Got it? Got it.

Ha! This is how a woman takes charge.

Yeah.

Okay, but how are we gonna get the car out of the garage?

We'll take your car.

Well, what about when Jim comes home from work?

He's gonna see the hole.

Dana, Jim is going right to the auction from work.

So we'll come home early,

park your car in front of the hole.

I'll get it fixed tomorrow. Jim will never know.

Wow.

Living with Jim has really taught you a lot. Mmm-hmm.

All bad, but a lot.

That stupid garage door!

You know, this has nothing to do with men's and women's brains.

Mmm-mmm. Nobody could figure that out.

No way. No.

(BUTTONS BEEPING)

What?

All fixed, Mommy.

Oh, my God.

A 4-year-old.

No, a 4-year-old boy.

If he knew how to do that, why didn't he tell us?

Typical man. Can't communicate.

Jim can never find out we were let out by a boy.

Who's now peeing in the driveway.

Wow, he really had to go.

Yeah. Still going.

Hi, Mrs. Johnson.

JIM: Oh, I can't believe I got to wear a tie

to this stupid fundraiser.

Why didn't Cheryl tell me?

She did. I was right there.

You actually heard her?

Yeah.

She was holding a cookie. Somehow it made me focus.

Right, right.

And I had already had my cookie.

Whoa, whoa, Jim. Check it out.

What the hell is this?

Looks like someone broke into your garage.

Who'd wanna break into the garage?

Apparently someone very small.

Did you get in a fight with a little person?

Yeah, but that was years ago.

And in my defense, it was St. Patrick's Day.

Like if you're gonna be that sensitive, stay home.

Hey! What?

Don't, don't, don't... Don't touch the panel.

You wanna contaminate the crime scene?

Oh, Andy, it's not a...

No, no, no. What we need to do...

Take pictures before anything's disturbed.

Hey! Get one of me with the evidence.

(SNIFFING)

Is it me, or...

It smells like somebody peed out here.

Oh, that's pee. Yeah. And it's fresh.

A criminal always has a signature, Jim,

and he's trying to tell us something.

What? What? What? What? What is it?

Whiz, tinkle... Urine!

Urine.

You're in trouble.

You're in deep.

You're in... sane.

Well, everything looks all right.

They didn't get the band equipment.

Hold it.

Maybe we've been asking ourselves the wrong question

all this time.

Maybe we've been off the scent from the very beginning.

Andy, the very beginning was two minutes ago.

I see you're gonna be no help in this investigation.

Come on, that's what they want you to think.

Well, come on, what do you want...

(WITH BRITISH ACCENT) Oh. Hello!

Well, looky what we have here.

(NORMAL VOICE) Sometimes the most obvious clues

are the ones that aren't even there.

What are you trying to say?

Damn it, Jim, open your eyes!

What? They're open!

Someone didn't break into your garage, man.

Someone broke out of it.

Observe.

See all the particles? They're on the outside.

But yet the garage floor is completely clean.

(GASPS) And look at this.

Your sledgehammer isn't stored in its place

with its fellow tools.

It was an inside job, man!

So let's stop playing these silly games!

Well, if somebody wanted to get out of the garage,

why didn't they just open the garage door?

Come on, son. Put the pieces together.

Take the training wheels off.

Lose the diaper. Put on the big boy pants.

All right.

Think.

Well, unless the garage door... Come on.

The garage door was... was broken! Uh-huh. You want it.

It didn't work.

Let's do it. And then they would just...

Say it!

They would just reset the system,

unless they couldn't!

Because... Because "they" was a woman!

And they never listen to your instructions

no matter how many times you repeat it!

Who?

Cheryl!

Cheryl.

Hickory dickory right.

Ha, ha. Well, well, well. (CHUCKLES)

Well, watching all those cop shows paid off, huh?

Oh, yeah. And if I meet a lucky lady,

maybe watching the Spice channel will pay off, too.

Yeah.

I got a lot of techniques.

I'm tired of using 'em on myself.

SHEILA: Going once...

Going twice...

$200! $200!

(AUDIENCE GASPS) SHEILA: Once?

Twice?

Sold for $200!

Thank you.

Dana, Dana, sit down.

What are you going to do with a sea kayak?

But, Cheryl, don't you get it?

Now instead of just being boring old Dana,

I'm gonna be the intriguing girl with a kayak.

Oh...

Excuse me. Do you kayak?

I do.

Go on.

Hey, babe!

Hey! Hi!

So, so, everything cool at home?

Cool as a cucumber.

Yeah, and the kids...

They got to their sleepover okay?

No problem. S'all good.

Oh, honey.

Look at you. You remembered your tie.

Well, I felt so bad about that unfortunate incident

with our good friend Charlotte...

Sheila. Sheila.

That I have decided that, you know what?

I'm gonna focus on listening to you,

because that's what you do for me.

I mean, honey, I was way off base

with all that poppycock about women and men

not hearing each other.

There you go again, Jim,

with one of your crackpot theories.

Lock this man up.

I'm telling you, when the apes take over the planet in 10 years,

they're gonna keep me around just for the laughs!

Oh, honey. Really, you know what?

It's not a problem. And in honor of tonight's charity event,

I'm gonna take the high road and not rub it in.

Well, I can rub it in. I'm a low road kind of person.

Next we have a last-minute item from our very good friends

Jim and Andy at Ground Up Design.

CHERYL: Honey!

I didn't know you donated something.

That is so sweet.

Well, I felt so bad

about what happened with Sheila.

I mean, so she's fat. Right?

Why should the community center suffer?

Wow, that's... That's very sensitive of you.

Hey, Sheila, do you mind if Andy and I take this one?

We can do this one, right, Andy?

Yeah.

Hey, Sheila, thank you.

Hey, how about it for Sheila here, huh?

Doesn't she look great?

She just had a baby last week.

It was five months ago.

Yeah, work with me here, will you?

All right, all right, all right,

we're gonna raise some money right now, aren't we?

Aren't we gonna raise some money?

All right, let's get right to the bidding

on one of the best items this evening.

It is a fantastic automatic garage door!

JIM: Yes, yes.

And along with this

goes a lifetime guarantee,

so if for some reason the door should fail on you,

you can either call me,

like a normal person...

Or, you can break out with this nifty little

emergency exit device!

'Cause this is what my wife uses.

Right, Cheryl?

JIM: Honey?

Can we put a light on my lovely wife, please?

JIM: Cheryl?

Can you hear me?

Because I can repeat it if you want me to.

JIM: Cheryl?

Dana, you got to get me out of here.

Dana? Dana?

Like most girls right out of college,

I kayaked through Europe.

And it's so much fun.

(DANA SIGHS)

What are you doing?

I'm tripping the whatchamacallit

so I can reset the thingamajig.

If Kyle can do it, so can I.

I refuse to be shown up by someone

who's afraid of the vacuum.

(GRUNTING)

So, this cool here?

My condo doesn't allow us to have pets

or giant things we'll never use, so...

Yeah, whatever.

What's she doing?

We're having a lesbian pillow fight.

What else does it look like?

Cheryl...

Cheryl... No!

Cheryl, please, will you just let it go?

Jim, go to bed. I'm gonna figure this out.

Honey, I love you to death,

I really do, but you know what?

You're never gonna figure it out.

Well, maybe if you'd shine a spotlight on me.

Oh, please, honey.

Jim, it's in my brain.

I just need to access it.

Cheryl, Cheryl, listen to me.

You're not gonna be able to access it.

Actually, if I give you the instructions right now,

you still won't be able to open it.

That is crap.

All right, fine.

I'll give you the instructions right now.

Okay.

All right.

Press the reset button down for three seconds,

press pound,

6, star, pound,

then press the garage door button,

and then it'll open.

Got it.

Go on.

Go.

Know what it is? No, what is it? What is it? What is it?

You went too fast! It was a trap!

'Cause you are a trapper.

I am not a trapper! No! You are!

Why can't you just admit that I'm right?

No, no, no, Jim, because you can't be right. Why?

Because... Because my brain

can't just be full of recipes and fabric swatches.

All right, let me ask you this.

When I was giving you the instructions,

what were you hearing? Be honest.

Something about a pound cake.

(LAUGHS)

A-ha! Damn it!

Damn it!

Well, that works, too.

That is so depressing.

What?

Cheryl, come on, what's the big deal?

Men hear things differently than women hear things.

Why do you have to make it into a negative?

Half the time I'm talking to you,

you're hearing the ocean.

How is that a positive?

There is so much crap that goes on during the day,

it's impossible for one person to take that all in.

That's why you and I are good for each other.

So, that's your big advertisement for marriage?

Get married so someone will catch all the crap you miss?

Yeah, that and, uh, the sex part, too.

Oh, honey...

What?

All right, I guess it's not so bad that we're different.

No.

I'll tell you this, though.

I'm happy I'm the woman. Mmm-hmm.

I really am, because, you know, as a woman,

I rely on my inner resources... Mmm-hmm.

...my inner beauty, my inner strength.

(WAVES CRASHING)

You know what it is? I think it's because I'm a life-giver.

(SEAGULLS CALLING)

(CHERYL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)