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1
00:00:03,304 --> 00:00:05,275
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
2
00:00:05,276 --> 00:00:07,377
You know what? I am the
luckiest man in the world.
3
00:00:07,378 --> 00:00:09,609
Aw. You are a beautiful,
beautiful woman.
4
00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:10,780
Aw.
5
00:00:10,781 --> 00:00:12,212
You know what I was thinking?
6
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,414
I am not sleeping in the nude.
7
00:00:14,545 --> 00:00:16,116
Why not?
No.
8
00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:18,188
Come on, that's the way
God created us.
9
00:00:18,189 --> 00:00:21,191
I'm just doing his will.
10
00:00:21,192 --> 00:00:23,194
You know what, baby?
I want to go to heaven.
11
00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:27,026
You know, maybe I'd consider it
12
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,028
if we didn't have
these ratty old sheets.
13
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,200
New sheets? Done.
14
00:00:30,201 --> 00:00:32,433
Okay, off with the PJs.
15
00:00:33,434 --> 00:00:35,065
You know.
16
00:00:35,066 --> 00:00:36,266
Now you got me thinking.
17
00:00:36,267 --> 00:00:39,569
Oh, no, no, no.
No thinking. Stripping.
18
00:00:39,570 --> 00:00:41,441
Yeah, yeah, if we're
going to get new sheets,
19
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:42,772
we're going to need a new duvet.
20
00:00:42,773 --> 00:00:44,214
No, no, no, don't start
with that, honey.
21
00:00:44,215 --> 00:00:45,745
And a rug.
No!
22
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:47,217
Yeah, yeah.
23
00:00:47,218 --> 00:00:48,818
If we get a new rug, then
we're gonna have to get
24
00:00:48,819 --> 00:00:50,650
a new chair because
it doesn't match the rug,
25
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,122
and then we're going
to have to paint the walls,
26
00:00:52,123 --> 00:00:55,185
and then our kids
are going to hate us.
27
00:00:55,186 --> 00:00:57,066
Why? Because we're
going to get divorced, honey.
28
00:00:58,459 --> 00:01:00,059
Honey, come on.
29
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,332
Let's redecorate.
We can do it together.
30
00:01:02,333 --> 00:01:03,593
No, no, no.
Yeah, yeah.
31
00:01:03,594 --> 00:01:05,535
Women always say
they want to do it together.
32
00:01:05,536 --> 00:01:06,666
No, no, no, no, no, because
you ask for my opinion,
33
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,068
I give you my opinion,
and then you ignore it.
34
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,371
Oh, come on, honey. I
know you don't believe this,
35
00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:12,702
but I really do want your input.
36
00:01:12,703 --> 00:01:14,204
This is our house.
37
00:01:14,205 --> 00:01:16,406
No, no, no, it's not our
house. It's my house.
38
00:01:16,407 --> 00:01:19,078
It's your home,
and I'm a guest here.
39
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,351
No, it is. It's like
a three-star hotel
40
00:01:21,352 --> 00:01:23,082
with so-so room service.
41
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:25,315
Come on, come on.
It'll be fun.
42
00:01:25,316 --> 00:01:27,086
No, I'll tell you
what will be fun.
43
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,360
Oh, I am not
sleeping in the nude.
44
00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:33,824
Interesting.
45
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,498
I was going to say cuddle.
46
00:01:40,631 --> 00:01:42,473
But you cheapened it.
47
00:01:44,375 --> 00:01:45,636
Good night.
48
00:01:46,877 --> 00:01:48,379
Good night.
49
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:51,782
Of course, I like it cheapened.
50
00:01:58,789 --> 00:02:00,321
(INAUDIBLE)
51
00:02:03,754 --> 00:02:05,596
JIM: Oh, baby!
52
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,335
All right, what do you think
53
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:16,836
of this color combo
for the bathroom?
54
00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:19,539
You got your tile,
paint, and curtains.
55
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:21,672
Rube, hold the tile up
to the paint.
56
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,546
I'm liking it.
I'm not loving it.
57
00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,279
Yeah. Next!
58
00:02:31,622 --> 00:02:33,553
Mommy, I got math homework.
59
00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:36,114
Yeah, but, honey, this is
something you can actually use in life.
60
00:02:36,687 --> 00:02:38,828
Oh, oh, oh!
Brainstorm.
61
00:02:38,829 --> 00:02:40,190
BOTH: Ow!
62
00:02:40,191 --> 00:02:41,361
Oh.
63
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,532
Quit your squawking.
64
00:02:42,533 --> 00:02:44,235
Mom used to paint
right on our foreheads.
65
00:02:45,736 --> 00:02:47,697
CHERYL: Yeah, yeah,
I still don't know.
66
00:02:47,698 --> 00:02:49,439
You know, the light's
better in the bathroom.
67
00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,201
Yeah, girls,
go stand in the tub.
68
00:02:51,202 --> 00:02:52,343
We'll be right up.
69
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,406
I know, I know.
Hey.
70
00:02:56,407 --> 00:02:57,847
I am so glad you're home.
71
00:02:57,848 --> 00:02:59,809
I wanted to show you this stuff.
72
00:02:59,810 --> 00:03:01,211
This is a shower curtain.
73
00:03:01,212 --> 00:03:02,412
Yeah.
74
00:03:02,413 --> 00:03:04,484
What are you doing
with a shower curtain?
75
00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:05,855
Shower curtains
don't go in the bedroom.
76
00:03:05,856 --> 00:03:08,519
(EXCLAIMING) Someone's
been watching Queer Eye.
77
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,223
Honey, when we redo the bedroom,
78
00:03:13,224 --> 00:03:14,794
the bathroom's
going to look shabby.
79
00:03:14,795 --> 00:03:16,566
Cheryl, I thought we were doing
80
00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:17,767
this decorating thing together.
81
00:03:17,768 --> 00:03:19,369
That's what you said.
82
00:03:19,370 --> 00:03:20,600
Okay, from now on,
83
00:03:20,601 --> 00:03:22,201
I've got to sign off
on everything.
84
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,204
Even dinner. What are
we having for dinner?
85
00:03:24,735 --> 00:03:25,976
Meatloaf.
86
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:28,838
Okay, approved.
87
00:03:28,839 --> 00:03:31,210
Look, honey, I know
I should have talked to you
88
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,482
about doing the bathroom,
89
00:03:32,483 --> 00:03:33,743
but I just got
so excited. Come here.
90
00:03:33,744 --> 00:03:34,944
Come here. I want
to show you something.
91
00:03:34,945 --> 00:03:36,346
Okay, are you ready?
92
00:03:36,347 --> 00:03:37,987
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right.
93
00:03:37,988 --> 00:03:39,719
Which do you like better,
94
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:41,451
the green tile,
95
00:03:41,452 --> 00:03:46,326
or the green tile
with the delicate border?
96
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:50,361
Well, I think I like the green
one with the invisible border.
97
00:03:51,962 --> 00:03:55,705
Okay, yeah, yeah, that's nice.
98
00:03:55,706 --> 00:03:57,868
But do you think
the border's too subtle?
99
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,643
Okay, I'll take the other one.
100
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:06,015
Oh, my God!
That's the one I like!
101
00:04:06,016 --> 00:04:07,246
(LAUGHING)
102
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,478
Oh, my God.
103
00:04:08,479 --> 00:04:09,849
Isn't it fun
doing this together?
104
00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,351
Together?
105
00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:12,522
Every time you walk
into the bathroom,
106
00:04:12,523 --> 00:04:14,023
you will know you decorated it.
107
00:04:14,024 --> 00:04:15,285
Cheryl.
108
00:04:15,286 --> 00:04:17,527
Jim, Jim, uh-oh.
109
00:04:17,528 --> 00:04:19,659
I'm about to be brilliant.
110
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:21,791
You know what'd be perfect
for your new bathroom?
111
00:04:21,792 --> 00:04:23,963
The Royal Flush XP
toilet system.
112
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:25,565
CHERYL: Oh, God.
113
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:26,996
The Royal Flush XP?
114
00:04:26,997 --> 00:04:28,799
That's the champagne of toilets.
115
00:04:30,441 --> 00:04:31,671
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
116
00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,272
Is that that hideous toilet
117
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:34,674
that they show
in all those commercials?
118
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:38,408
Yes. "Designed for NASA,
now a favorite
119
00:04:38,409 --> 00:04:40,009
"for sports figures
and world leaders."
120
00:04:40,010 --> 00:04:41,981
Andy, can you please tell them
121
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:44,053
what separates
the Royal Flush XP
122
00:04:44,054 --> 00:04:45,915
from other toilets?
123
00:04:45,916 --> 00:04:47,688
"The answer is technology.
124
00:04:49,019 --> 00:04:50,890
"It has an ergonomic heated seat
125
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:54,464
"and an atomizer with
your choice of scents.
126
00:04:54,465 --> 00:04:56,826
"You can try and find
a better toilet, but..."
127
00:04:56,827 --> 00:04:59,499
BOTH: "Nothing beats
a Royal Flush."
128
00:04:59,500 --> 00:05:00,870
(BOTH IMITATE
TOILET FLUSHING)
129
00:05:00,871 --> 00:05:02,972
(BOTH LAUGHING)
130
00:05:02,973 --> 00:05:04,404
That was very impressive.
131
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:05,505
Let me ask you guys something.
132
00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:07,337
Who's your Congressman?
133
00:05:07,338 --> 00:05:08,738
(EXCLAIMS)
134
00:05:08,739 --> 00:05:10,840
Yeah, that's what I thought.
135
00:05:10,841 --> 00:05:14,544
The Royal Flush.
That is a great idea.
136
00:05:14,545 --> 00:05:16,446
It is, isn't it?
What a great idea.
137
00:05:16,447 --> 00:05:18,487
I knew she'd like it. But
let me just show you this.
138
00:05:19,450 --> 00:05:22,392
This is classic porcelain.
139
00:05:22,393 --> 00:05:23,753
You've got your white,
140
00:05:23,754 --> 00:05:26,527
or if you really want to
throw caution to the wind...
141
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:28,498
Off-white.
142
00:05:28,499 --> 00:05:29,729
(CHUCKLES)
143
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,531
Cheryl, you can't
do it, can you?
144
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:32,862
What?
You just can't...
145
00:05:32,863 --> 00:05:33,963
She can't do it, can she?
146
00:05:33,964 --> 00:05:35,365
Nope. She's incapable.
147
00:05:35,366 --> 00:05:38,438
Yes, incapable.
That's the word.
148
00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:41,671
Cheryl, it's obvious that you
don't really want input from me.
149
00:05:41,672 --> 00:05:43,373
Oh. You just want me to go along
150
00:05:43,374 --> 00:05:44,774
with what you want.
151
00:05:44,775 --> 00:05:46,846
And what you really want
is you want a sidekick
152
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:49,349
with a credit card who
agrees with everything you say.
153
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:51,350
Oh, come on.
154
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:53,753
No, Cheryl, I mean,
I like this toilet,
155
00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:54,924
and you don't want it.
156
00:05:54,925 --> 00:05:56,355
You know what that makes you?
157
00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,728
It makes you a
hypocrite. (GASPS)
158
00:05:59,490 --> 00:06:02,392
I am not a hypocrite.
159
00:06:02,393 --> 00:06:04,764
I am wonderful.
You can ask anybody.
160
00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:05,935
Dana?
Wonderful.
161
00:06:05,936 --> 00:06:07,637
(EXCLAIMS)
162
00:06:07,638 --> 00:06:09,799
Andy, is she being a hypocrite?
163
00:06:09,800 --> 00:06:11,471
Well, she's either a hypocrite
164
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:13,444
or a hypocrite with
a delicate border.
165
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:18,778
Yeah. Yeah, Cheryl.
Come on. Just admit it.
166
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:21,080
You just want what you want.
167
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:22,952
That is not true.
168
00:06:22,953 --> 00:06:25,114
Yes, it is true,
honey. It is.
169
00:06:25,115 --> 00:06:26,916
You're being a hypocrite.
170
00:06:26,917 --> 00:06:29,388
Well, you're being a fun-kill.
171
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,790
Fun-kill?
Yeah, fun-kill.
172
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:31,921
Fun-kill?
173
00:06:31,922 --> 00:06:33,162
Because for your information,
174
00:06:33,163 --> 00:06:34,664
I already went
down to Bathopolis
175
00:06:34,665 --> 00:06:36,126
and ordered your stupid toilet.
176
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:39,028
You already ordered it?
177
00:06:39,029 --> 00:06:42,401
You ordered that chrome monster?
178
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:44,575
Do I have to start signing
off on things now, too?
179
00:06:45,676 --> 00:06:47,607
Yes, Dana, I ordered it.
180
00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:50,080
And now Jim
has ruined the surprise.
181
00:06:51,181 --> 00:06:53,182
Wow, I had no idea.
182
00:06:53,183 --> 00:06:54,444
Well...
183
00:06:54,445 --> 00:06:56,746
The Royal Flush XP!
184
00:06:56,747 --> 00:06:58,548
(BOTH LAUGHING)
185
00:06:58,549 --> 00:06:59,989
Man, if it weren't for
your receding hairline
186
00:06:59,990 --> 00:07:01,420
and sleeping with my sister,
187
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,952
I'd trade places
with you right now.
188
00:07:02,953 --> 00:07:05,424
(LAUGHING)
189
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,957
Oh, Cheryl, I got the most
wonderful wife in the world,
190
00:07:07,958 --> 00:07:10,660
and now I got the most
wonderful toilet in the world.
191
00:07:10,661 --> 00:07:12,563
"Your bowl runneth over."
192
00:07:13,564 --> 00:07:15,705
Cheryl, Cheryl, I just...
193
00:07:15,706 --> 00:07:17,567
I'm just so surprised
and so happy.
194
00:07:17,568 --> 00:07:19,208
You know what I'm gonna do?
You know what I'm gonna do?
195
00:07:19,209 --> 00:07:20,870
I'm going to whip up something
196
00:07:20,871 --> 00:07:22,642
that goes with that
meatloaf, okay?
197
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:23,843
A little side dish.
198
00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,475
Oh, I know.
199
00:07:25,476 --> 00:07:26,716
What kind of cereal do you want?
200
00:07:26,717 --> 00:07:28,448
No, no, no, I'm going
to surprise you.
201
00:07:29,580 --> 00:07:30,980
Hey, I'll cut up some fruit.
202
00:07:30,981 --> 00:07:32,723
Oh, no, you didn't hear that.
203
00:07:36,527 --> 00:07:39,729
Cheryl, I cannot believe
you bought that thing.
204
00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:40,830
Dana.
We spent all this time
205
00:07:40,831 --> 00:07:42,532
trying to create
a tasteful bathroom.
206
00:07:42,533 --> 00:07:44,594
I may as well have just
gone into work today.
207
00:07:44,595 --> 00:07:46,566
Dana. I can't believe
you got that for him.
208
00:07:46,567 --> 00:07:48,498
I didn't.
209
00:07:48,499 --> 00:07:50,239
You lied?
Yes.
210
00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:52,141
'Cause he called me a
hypocrite, and he was right,
211
00:07:52,142 --> 00:07:53,744
and I hate it when he's right.
212
00:07:55,506 --> 00:07:57,046
So, I panicked.
213
00:07:57,047 --> 00:07:58,678
Hey, you want to go with me
214
00:07:58,679 --> 00:08:00,880
to buy a really,
really ugly toilet?
215
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:02,151
(SIGHS)
216
00:08:02,152 --> 00:08:05,214
All right, I guess I'll
just take off work again.
217
00:08:05,215 --> 00:08:06,817
I'll tell them
Grandma's a fighter.
218
00:08:15,165 --> 00:08:16,225
But she said...
219
00:08:16,226 --> 00:08:18,698
Oh, my God.
There it is.
220
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:20,169
Look at this.
I can't believe it.
221
00:08:20,170 --> 00:08:23,673
I'm going to be a proud
owner of a Royal Flush XP.
222
00:08:23,674 --> 00:08:25,675
Finally, something for
your high school newsletter.
223
00:08:25,676 --> 00:08:26,906
Yeah.
224
00:08:26,907 --> 00:08:29,639
I can't believe Cheryl
actually bought this for me.
225
00:08:29,640 --> 00:08:31,981
Hey, uh, Jim, I know
we haven't, um...
226
00:08:31,982 --> 00:08:33,743
Uh-uh. Discussed
the particulars...
227
00:08:33,744 --> 00:08:34,814
Uh-uh.
228
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,215
Oh, come on, Jim.
I assume I'll be able to...
229
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:38,147
No, no! It's mine!
230
00:08:38,148 --> 00:08:39,849
Yes! That means yes.
231
00:08:39,850 --> 00:08:41,991
I know you want me to
use it. You want me to use it.
232
00:08:41,992 --> 00:08:43,292
Once a week you get it.
All right.
233
00:08:43,293 --> 00:08:45,825
Gentlemen, welcome
to Bathopolis,
234
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,296
your bathroom superstore.
235
00:08:47,297 --> 00:08:49,699
(EXCLAIMS) Drooling
over the XP, are we?
236
00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:51,100
Well, not for long.
237
00:08:51,101 --> 00:08:52,902
He's getting one,
and I get to use it.
238
00:08:52,903 --> 00:08:55,965
Really? How long were
you on the waiting list?
239
00:08:55,966 --> 00:08:57,837
What?
What waiting list?
240
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,108
No, my wife told me yesterday
241
00:08:59,109 --> 00:09:00,269
that she called here
and ordered one.
242
00:09:00,270 --> 00:09:01,671
That's impossible.
243
00:09:01,672 --> 00:09:03,042
We're completely out of stock.
244
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:04,714
We stopped taking orders
two months ago.
245
00:09:04,715 --> 00:09:06,576
What?
246
00:09:06,577 --> 00:09:08,778
(IN SING SONG VOICE) But
I can show you a nice bidet.
247
00:09:08,779 --> 00:09:12,081
We're not here for a...
Ooh, I love that color.
248
00:09:12,082 --> 00:09:13,182
I'll take one.
249
00:09:13,183 --> 00:09:14,684
Great. I'll write that up.
250
00:09:14,685 --> 00:09:15,855
Oh, I feel terrible.
251
00:09:15,856 --> 00:09:17,126
I'm such an impulse buyer.
252
00:09:17,127 --> 00:09:19,258
I should...
Ooh, steam shower.
253
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,730
Andy, Andy, Andy.
254
00:09:20,731 --> 00:09:22,932
Something is going on here.
Something's wrong.
255
00:09:22,933 --> 00:09:25,865
She told me she ordered
the Royal Flush from here.
256
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,036
Hey, why don't you ask her?
257
00:09:27,037 --> 00:09:28,638
She's right over there
with Dana.
258
00:09:28,639 --> 00:09:32,241
Hi, I'm looking for
the Royal Flush XP.
259
00:09:32,242 --> 00:09:34,103
Uh, you can't get it.
260
00:09:34,104 --> 00:09:35,805
What do you mean,
"you can't get it"?
261
00:09:35,806 --> 00:09:37,777
I already lied to my husband
and told him I bought it.
262
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:40,149
LENNY: I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.
263
00:09:40,150 --> 00:09:43,013
But I can show you a nice bidet.
264
00:09:43,714 --> 00:09:45,855
What? No. Oh.
265
00:09:45,856 --> 00:09:49,318
Well, somebody's lying,
and it ain't me this time.
266
00:09:49,319 --> 00:09:51,120
Hey, congratulations.
267
00:09:51,121 --> 00:09:52,792
You finally deserve
the moral high ground
268
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,023
instead of just claiming it.
269
00:09:54,024 --> 00:09:55,124
Let's bust her.
270
00:09:55,125 --> 00:09:56,726
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
271
00:09:56,727 --> 00:09:58,297
She's still digging.
272
00:09:58,298 --> 00:10:01,170
Let's see how deep
the hole goes.
273
00:10:01,171 --> 00:10:02,872
There's your XP right there.
274
00:10:02,873 --> 00:10:04,774
Oh, God.
275
00:10:04,775 --> 00:10:06,305
It's even more hideous
than I thought.
276
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:07,678
DANA: Yeah.
277
00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:12,241
Look, my sister's
really in a pickle here.
278
00:10:12,242 --> 00:10:14,183
We need to have that toilet.
279
00:10:14,184 --> 00:10:15,645
Can you give me a second?
280
00:10:15,646 --> 00:10:16,716
Yeah.
281
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:18,187
Thanks so much, sweetie.
282
00:10:18,188 --> 00:10:22,251
Listen, um, Lenny,
my sister is gorgeous,
283
00:10:22,252 --> 00:10:24,194
she drinks, and
she's on the rebound.
284
00:10:25,395 --> 00:10:27,797
So I go home with the toilet,
285
00:10:27,798 --> 00:10:30,329
you go home with her.
286
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,933
Madam, this is
Bathopolis, not Gomorrah.
287
00:10:35,766 --> 00:10:37,066
CHERYL: There's got to
be something we can do.
288
00:10:37,067 --> 00:10:38,668
LENNY: No can do-ski.
289
00:10:38,669 --> 00:10:39,839
CHERYL: Okay, but, okay,
okay, there's none here,
290
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,672
but how about another store?
291
00:10:45,976 --> 00:10:47,416
Oh, no, steam.
292
00:10:47,417 --> 00:10:49,879
Oh, hey. It's going
to get muggy in here,
293
00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:51,981
and I'm wearing
wool worsted pants.
294
00:10:51,982 --> 00:10:53,683
Are you trying to get
me busted? Be quiet.
295
00:10:53,684 --> 00:10:55,354
I don't know what the plan is,
but I say we should abort.
296
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:56,987
Shut up. Shut up.
297
00:10:59,189 --> 00:11:01,090
LENNY: I've already
checked the tri-state area.
298
00:11:01,091 --> 00:11:02,932
CHERYL: I will drive to
Milwaukee if I have to, okay?
299
00:11:02,933 --> 00:11:04,664
Anyplace east
of the Mississippi.
300
00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:16,105
LENNY: The only
one's in Guam.
301
00:11:16,106 --> 00:11:17,978
CHERYL: Oh, I get it.
I get it. You're kidding.
302
00:11:25,315 --> 00:11:26,385
Hey, how about
we call the factory?
303
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:27,416
No.
304
00:11:27,417 --> 00:11:29,388
Do you sell them used?
305
00:11:29,389 --> 00:11:30,760
(GASPING)
306
00:11:30,761 --> 00:11:32,962
(SHUSHING) I'm trying
to hear. I'm trying to hear.
307
00:11:32,963 --> 00:11:35,264
I was going to have
steamed clams for lunch.
308
00:11:35,265 --> 00:11:36,797
Isn't that ironic?
309
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:38,768
(SHUSHING)
310
00:11:38,769 --> 00:11:41,000
Hey, I know. I know.
How about you just
311
00:11:41,001 --> 00:11:42,701
sort of sneak me
the names and numbers
312
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,074
of the people
you've sold them to?
313
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,208
(PANTING) These clothes,
they're strangling me.
314
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:51,129
Take them off. Take
them off. Just take them off.
315
00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,983
Jesus! It's hot
in here.
316
00:11:53,984 --> 00:11:55,714
That's what I've been
telling you.
317
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:58,047
I know it's hot.
(SHUSHING)
318
00:11:58,048 --> 00:12:01,090
Hey! What are you doing? You
can't take your pants off like that.
319
00:12:01,091 --> 00:12:02,421
What if somebody comes in?
320
00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:05,025
Andy, Andy, stop it,
stop it, stop it.
321
00:12:06,356 --> 00:12:09,728
I can't take it, Jim.
My guts are cooking.
322
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,200
Shut up.
323
00:12:11,201 --> 00:12:13,833
Now, I'm not saying I
would ever, ever do this,
324
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:16,406
but just say
I had a gun to your head.
325
00:12:17,407 --> 00:12:19,068
No, I can't. I can't.
326
00:12:19,069 --> 00:12:20,739
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Shut up.
327
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,341
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up.
328
00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:23,512
(SHUSHING)
329
00:12:23,513 --> 00:12:25,815
Well, that it.
I'm screwed.
330
00:12:25,816 --> 00:12:28,778
Well, at least you don't have
to live with this ugly toilet.
331
00:12:28,779 --> 00:12:30,980
Dana, you don't understand.
332
00:12:30,981 --> 00:12:32,321
If I don't come home
with this toilet,
333
00:12:32,322 --> 00:12:35,754
there'll be no end to
Jim's "well, well, wells."
334
00:12:35,755 --> 00:12:37,456
Andy, Andy, I never say that.
335
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:39,058
You always say that.
336
00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:40,389
Now get me the hell out of here.
337
00:12:40,390 --> 00:12:42,032
(BOTH GRUNTING)
338
00:12:43,794 --> 00:12:45,334
I guess I'm just going to
have to tell Jim the truth.
339
00:12:45,335 --> 00:12:47,267
Ah, truth is
for healthy marriages.
340
00:12:48,999 --> 00:12:50,269
Oh, my God.
It is hot in here.
341
00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:51,901
That's what
I've been telling you.
342
00:12:51,902 --> 00:12:53,072
Now let me out of here.
343
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:54,343
(SHUSHING)
Be quiet, will you?
344
00:12:54,344 --> 00:12:57,176
(SHUSHING)
345
00:12:57,177 --> 00:12:59,348
Look, he's a guy. You
just have to distract him
346
00:12:59,349 --> 00:13:01,380
with something else
he'll like better.
347
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,212
You know, he is
pretty easily distracted.
348
00:13:03,213 --> 00:13:06,486
Yeah, a bowl of pudding and a
shiny set of keys ought to do the trick.
349
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,360
Well, well, well.
350
00:13:11,321 --> 00:13:12,962
I've got something on my wife,
351
00:13:12,963 --> 00:13:14,563
and she doesn't know it.
352
00:13:14,564 --> 00:13:16,365
I'm going to have fun
with this one.
353
00:13:16,366 --> 00:13:17,566
(LAUGHING)
354
00:13:17,567 --> 00:13:19,168
I want out!
Do you hear me?
355
00:13:19,169 --> 00:13:20,499
Stop it! Stop it!
I can't stand it.
356
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:21,901
No! No!
357
00:13:21,902 --> 00:13:23,232
Be quiet.
358
00:13:23,233 --> 00:13:24,533
I'm going to pop
like a dumpling!
359
00:13:24,534 --> 00:13:26,906
I need water!
I need cold water!
360
00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:28,038
No, no water.
361
00:13:29,279 --> 00:13:30,479
What are you doing?
362
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:33,512
Ah! Ah! Cold! Cold! Cold! Cold!
363
00:13:33,513 --> 00:13:35,444
Brain freeze! Brain
freeze! Brain freeze!
364
00:13:35,445 --> 00:13:36,847
Turn it off!
Turn it off!
365
00:13:39,389 --> 00:13:40,520
Jeez.
366
00:13:41,992 --> 00:13:43,152
Okay, they're gone.
Come on.
367
00:13:43,153 --> 00:13:44,753
Stay cool, stay cool.
Pick up your stuff.
368
00:13:46,857 --> 00:13:47,928
Ooh.
369
00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,361
(EXCLAIMS)
370
00:13:52,863 --> 00:13:54,604
Uh, you paying by cash or check?
371
00:13:57,938 --> 00:13:59,209
Oh. Check.
372
00:14:00,911 --> 00:14:02,972
By the way, if you two
are moving in together,
373
00:14:02,973 --> 00:14:04,074
we got a registry.
374
00:14:23,964 --> 00:14:25,164
Okay, she's coming.
375
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:26,365
Okay, okay.
376
00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:28,098
Game face.
Put your game face on.
377
00:14:31,942 --> 00:14:33,572
Wow, look at here, Andy.
378
00:14:33,573 --> 00:14:36,976
The Royal Flush actually
puts the seat back down
379
00:14:36,977 --> 00:14:38,607
when you're done.
380
00:14:38,608 --> 00:14:41,150
Now, how many arguments
is that going to save?
381
00:14:41,151 --> 00:14:43,082
(LAUGHING)
382
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,254
Oh, and it's the official toilet
383
00:14:45,255 --> 00:14:47,616
of the Swedish monarchy.
384
00:14:47,617 --> 00:14:49,288
Some of the cleanest
people in the world.
385
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,390
Yes, yes.
Hey, honey.
386
00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,063
You know, since
we're redecorating,
387
00:14:54,064 --> 00:14:55,494
I was thinking about
388
00:14:55,495 --> 00:15:00,099
a plasma TV
for the bedroom. Huh?
389
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,600
Look at that guy
watching baseball.
390
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,273
How happy is he?
391
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:06,305
I don't know.
392
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:08,607
A plasma TV, the Royal Flush.
393
00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:10,679
God, if there was a fire, I
wouldn't know what to save.
394
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,311
(LAUGHS)
395
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:14,543
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, wait, wait, Jim.
396
00:15:14,544 --> 00:15:17,546
Are you saying that you
can afford a Royal Flush XP
397
00:15:17,547 --> 00:15:19,249
and a plasma TV?
398
00:15:20,650 --> 00:15:22,952
No, you're right.
One has to go.
399
00:15:22,953 --> 00:15:26,395
Ah, well, I'm thinking
you'll go for the plasma TV.
400
00:15:26,396 --> 00:15:27,596
You'd think.
Yeah.
401
00:15:27,597 --> 00:15:29,129
Nah, toilet.
402
00:15:30,300 --> 00:15:33,202
Okay, I'm going to go upstairs
403
00:15:33,203 --> 00:15:36,505
and say goodbye to
my old porcelain friend.
404
00:15:36,506 --> 00:15:38,137
Honey, honey, wait,
just one more thing.
405
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,469
Cheryl, Cheryl, Cheryl,
newspaper under the arm.
406
00:15:40,470 --> 00:15:41,941
The countdown has begun.
407
00:15:45,275 --> 00:15:46,375
Okay, but, but...
408
00:15:46,376 --> 00:15:47,977
What do you think, honey...
409
00:15:47,978 --> 00:15:51,351
What do you think of a
mini-fridge in the living room?
410
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:53,682
A mini-fridge in the living...
411
00:15:53,683 --> 00:15:55,184
Cold beers in here?
412
00:15:55,185 --> 00:15:56,655
I wouldn't have to go
into the kitchen. No.
413
00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:59,289
But how would Ruby and
Gracie get their exercise?
414
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:04,164
Yeah, you're right.
Nah, toilet.
415
00:16:05,165 --> 00:16:06,596
Okay, Jim, hey, um, um...
416
00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:11,000
How about a steam shower?
417
00:16:11,001 --> 00:16:12,572
No. Bad experience.
418
00:16:16,746 --> 00:16:18,607
You know, a steam shower
would be awesome,
419
00:16:18,608 --> 00:16:20,179
but you know what?
420
00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:23,182
So is the Royal Flush.
That's awesome, too.
421
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:24,684
How about sex
with another woman?
422
00:16:29,319 --> 00:16:30,490
You or me?
423
00:16:35,465 --> 00:16:36,666
Nah, toilet.
424
00:16:41,571 --> 00:16:43,202
Dana, I've tried everything.
425
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,404
Jim is not budging
off of that toilet.
426
00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:47,476
I mean, so to speak.
427
00:16:47,477 --> 00:16:48,737
Yeah.
428
00:16:48,738 --> 00:16:51,080
My only two options now
are telling him the truth
429
00:16:51,081 --> 00:16:52,411
or leaving him.
430
00:16:52,412 --> 00:16:54,583
(GASPS) I know this
great bar. Totally hot guys.
431
00:16:54,584 --> 00:16:56,215
You're a little old,
but they keep it dark.
432
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:58,087
Hey.
433
00:16:58,088 --> 00:17:00,219
Andy, what... What... Hey!
434
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:02,251
That's our toilet.
435
00:17:02,252 --> 00:17:06,095
Not anymore. Now it's a
planter for my front porch.
436
00:17:06,096 --> 00:17:09,698
Yep, Jim's upstairs
installing the Royal Flush XP.
437
00:17:09,699 --> 00:17:11,800
What?
That's not possible.
438
00:17:11,801 --> 00:17:14,133
Why? You said
you ordered it, right?
439
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:15,334
Well, yeah, but...
440
00:17:15,335 --> 00:17:17,035
Yep, as soon as he
gets that modem set up,
441
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,568
that thing's going to be online.
442
00:17:25,675 --> 00:17:27,546
So what are you going
to plant in that thing?
443
00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:28,617
I'm not sure yet,
444
00:17:28,618 --> 00:17:30,080
but I know it's going to grow.
445
00:17:38,388 --> 00:17:39,459
Whoa!
446
00:17:41,231 --> 00:17:43,133
Welcome to the future.
447
00:17:44,664 --> 00:17:46,396
Toilet, seat up.
448
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,671
Toilet, music.
449
00:17:52,672 --> 00:17:54,404
(SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING)
450
00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:59,077
So, uh, where'd this
thing come from?
451
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:01,511
From my wonderful wife, right?
452
00:18:01,811 --> 00:18:03,081
Right.
453
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:05,284
You know, that's
what I love about you.
454
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:08,218
You ask me my opinion,
and you listen.
455
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,390
Yeah, I can't dance
to toilet music.
456
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:12,721
Oh, fine.
457
00:18:12,722 --> 00:18:15,164
All right, here.
Why don't you sit down?
458
00:18:15,165 --> 00:18:16,525
No, no, come on, try it out.
459
00:18:16,526 --> 00:18:19,298
I want you to experience
the XP's unsurpassed comfort
460
00:18:19,299 --> 00:18:21,099
and beverage holder.
461
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,432
Ah.
462
00:18:24,274 --> 00:18:25,534
DEEP MALE VOICE:
Hello, Cheryl.
463
00:18:25,535 --> 00:18:27,106
Oh, my God!
464
00:18:28,178 --> 00:18:29,538
It knows my name?
465
00:18:29,539 --> 00:18:31,410
Yeah, yeah.
It's weight-sensitive.
466
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:33,142
I programmed it.
Listen.
467
00:18:33,143 --> 00:18:34,444
Hello, Jim.
468
00:18:35,445 --> 00:18:36,585
Hello.
469
00:18:36,586 --> 00:18:38,617
Is that James Earl Jones?
470
00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:40,289
Yeah, yeah.
471
00:18:40,290 --> 00:18:41,890
Don't you just love the
way his voice resonates
472
00:18:41,891 --> 00:18:44,294
around the sides of the bowl?
473
00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:46,696
It kind of tickles me.
474
00:18:48,798 --> 00:18:50,599
You know what?
And get this,
475
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,761
it comes with
a lifetime guarantee, Cheryl.
476
00:18:52,762 --> 00:18:54,463
That means we'll never
need a new toilet.
477
00:18:54,464 --> 00:18:55,734
Ever, ever, ever.
478
00:18:55,735 --> 00:18:57,766
Jim... And you know
what? When I die,
479
00:18:57,767 --> 00:18:59,838
Kyle will inherit the throne,
480
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:02,341
just like Shakespeare.
481
00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:04,413
Come on over here. Sit
with me. Come on, come on.
482
00:19:04,414 --> 00:19:05,745
Hello, Andy.
483
00:19:06,576 --> 00:19:07,776
I got Andy, too.
484
00:19:07,777 --> 00:19:09,618
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
you know what?
485
00:19:09,619 --> 00:19:11,250
Enough!
486
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:12,352
What?
487
00:19:13,623 --> 00:19:15,554
What, aren't you
enjoying the toilet
488
00:19:15,555 --> 00:19:17,486
that the both of us
picked out together?
489
00:19:17,487 --> 00:19:19,589
Stop it, stop it, all right?
490
00:19:20,630 --> 00:19:21,790
I lied.
491
00:19:21,791 --> 00:19:22,931
Is that what you want to hear?
492
00:19:22,932 --> 00:19:25,294
I am a great big hypocrite.
493
00:19:25,295 --> 00:19:26,895
Why, Cheryl, why?
494
00:19:26,896 --> 00:19:30,639
What would drive a common
housewife to lie to her husband?
495
00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:32,501
Because you were right.
496
00:19:32,502 --> 00:19:34,903
Because I don't care
about your stupid opinions.
497
00:19:34,904 --> 00:19:36,475
I just want you to tell me
498
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:38,277
that everything
I choose is perfect,
499
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:40,649
because, Jim, this is my house.
500
00:19:40,650 --> 00:19:42,381
I clean it.
I keep it in order.
501
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:45,855
It's mine, not yours, not
James Earl Jones's, mine!
502
00:19:48,958 --> 00:19:50,259
Go ahead, say it.
503
00:19:50,260 --> 00:19:51,321
What?
504
00:19:51,961 --> 00:19:53,693
"Well, well, well."
505
00:19:54,894 --> 00:19:56,525
I don't need to, Cheryl.
506
00:19:56,526 --> 00:19:58,228
Well, well, well.
507
00:20:00,199 --> 00:20:02,732
Uh, just a little option
that I splurged on.
508
00:20:03,933 --> 00:20:06,535
All right, your point
is made. You win.
509
00:20:06,536 --> 00:20:07,676
Now can we get rid of it?
510
00:20:07,677 --> 00:20:09,778
No, no.
No way. No way.
511
00:20:09,779 --> 00:20:10,939
Oh.
512
00:20:10,940 --> 00:20:14,212
This will stand
as a chrome monument
513
00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:17,286
and a timeless message
to women everywhere.
514
00:20:17,287 --> 00:20:19,688
Don't ask your man
for his opinion
515
00:20:19,689 --> 00:20:21,720
unless you really want it.
516
00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:24,593
I promise I will never
show you another paint sample.
517
00:20:24,594 --> 00:20:25,654
Or?
Or...
518
00:20:25,655 --> 00:20:27,756
Or take you to another
sofa showroom.
519
00:20:27,757 --> 00:20:29,458
Or?
Or ask you
520
00:20:29,459 --> 00:20:31,960
for your decorative opinion
on anything ever again.
521
00:20:31,961 --> 00:20:35,334
Thank you. I will be happy
not to be there for you.
522
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,266
(LAUGHS)
523
00:20:37,267 --> 00:20:38,967
Now, let me show you this.
524
00:20:38,968 --> 00:20:40,309
Oh, honey...
525
00:20:40,310 --> 00:20:41,340
Come on, really, really.
526
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,272
It's got an
adjustable seat, okay?
527
00:20:43,273 --> 00:20:44,573
It's got a night light.
528
00:20:44,574 --> 00:20:45,645
Ew!
529
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:49,918
And it's self-cleaning.
530
00:20:49,919 --> 00:20:51,420
What?
Self-cleaning.
531
00:20:51,421 --> 00:20:52,851
What?
Yeah.
532
00:20:52,852 --> 00:20:55,023
Self-cleaning? Why
didn't you open with that?
533
00:20:55,024 --> 00:20:56,556
I love that.
534
00:20:57,287 --> 00:20:58,488
Oh, wow.
535
00:20:59,329 --> 00:21:01,331
(SAMBA MUSIC PLAYING)
536
00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:08,968
(GIGGLING)
34932
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