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1
00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:04,003
Mommy, can we wake Daddy up?
2
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,535
No, honey, it's Sunday.
3
00:00:05,536 --> 00:00:07,707
You know what Daddy says about
waking him early on Sunday morning.
4
00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:09,339
He'll call the TV people
5
00:00:09,340 --> 00:00:11,580
and have them take cartoons
off the air forever and ever.
6
00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:14,614
Yeah.
He'll do it, too.
7
00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,487
He did it to Mommy
with Sex and the City.
8
00:00:18,189 --> 00:00:19,789
But we want daddy
to play Talent Show.
9
00:00:19,790 --> 00:00:21,020
CHERYL: Oh.
10
00:00:21,021 --> 00:00:22,792
GRACIE: Yeah.
11
00:00:22,793 --> 00:00:26,497
We can sing and dance and
wear our sparkle dream headbands.
12
00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:29,299
Aw, I'm sorry, girls,
13
00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:31,702
but Daddy promised Mommy
he'd play clean the gutters today.
14
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,334
Huh?
15
00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:38,808
That's been Mommy's sparkle
dream for about six months now.
16
00:00:38,809 --> 00:00:41,642
RUBY: But we want to
play Talent Show now.
17
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:46,717
I'm going to do his
nails and his hair.
18
00:00:48,619 --> 00:00:52,482
GRACIE: And I'm going
to put lipstick on him.
19
00:00:52,483 --> 00:00:54,724
RUBY: And he's going
to like my song more.
20
00:00:54,725 --> 00:00:56,326
GRACIE: Nuh-uh.
My song.
21
00:00:56,327 --> 00:00:57,728
(GIRLS SINGING)
22
00:00:59,790 --> 00:01:01,391
CHERYL: Okay, okay,
I can't take it anymore!
23
00:01:01,392 --> 00:01:03,193
Okay, wake your father.
24
00:01:03,194 --> 00:01:04,595
GIRLS: Yay!
25
00:01:05,566 --> 00:01:06,637
Phew.
26
00:01:11,502 --> 00:01:13,244
Hey, Jimmy.
(GASPS)
27
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,107
Roxanne.
28
00:01:17,108 --> 00:01:18,248
What the hell
are you doing here?
29
00:01:18,249 --> 00:01:21,281
Hey, is that any way
to greet your sister?
30
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:23,854
Hey, if that's a mouse, you
better feed it some cheese.
31
00:01:28,719 --> 00:01:30,089
Roxanne, I thought I told you
32
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,222
I never wanted
to see your face again.
33
00:01:32,223 --> 00:01:33,823
What crawled up your butt?
34
00:01:33,824 --> 00:01:36,466
Are you still mad at
me for marrying Andy?
35
00:01:36,467 --> 00:01:39,199
No, I'm mad at you for
dumping him the next day.
36
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:42,202
Aw, come on.
I had a bad year.
37
00:01:42,203 --> 00:01:43,403
So did Martha Stewart,
38
00:01:43,404 --> 00:01:46,506
I don't see you ragging on her.
39
00:01:46,507 --> 00:01:48,708
Come on, Jimmy.
Give me a break.
40
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:51,481
No, I've given you
tons of breaks. No.
41
00:01:51,482 --> 00:01:53,783
Go. Just get out.
Leave me alone.
42
00:01:53,784 --> 00:01:55,546
Aw, fine.
43
00:01:56,447 --> 00:01:57,618
(SIGHS)
44
00:01:59,290 --> 00:02:01,552
(STAMMERING)
What... What's that?
45
00:02:02,593 --> 00:02:05,196
It's a baby in my stomach.
46
00:02:06,157 --> 00:02:07,658
(MUMBLING) But...
47
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:10,530
You're pregnant?
48
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:13,463
Oh, you're quick.
49
00:02:13,464 --> 00:02:16,837
Took me two weeks of
throwing up to figure that one out.
50
00:02:17,708 --> 00:02:19,138
All right.
51
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,811
The baby can come in.
52
00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,544
RUBY: Daddy,
where are you?
53
00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,717
Let's go in through the garage.
54
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,558
JIM: Oh, baby!
55
00:02:38,889 --> 00:02:40,159
Cheryl, Cheryl,
what are you doing?
56
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:41,331
Those are the good cookies.
57
00:02:41,332 --> 00:02:42,793
She's pregnant.
She's not dying.
58
00:02:44,535 --> 00:02:47,437
Here you go, Roxanne,
a nice hot cup of tea.
59
00:02:47,438 --> 00:02:48,938
It's decaf.
60
00:02:48,939 --> 00:02:50,640
I know you have to be
careful in your condition.
61
00:02:50,641 --> 00:02:52,542
Oh, I sure do.
62
00:02:52,543 --> 00:02:54,205
Hey, you got any bourbon?
63
00:02:55,706 --> 00:02:57,777
No, I'm kidding.
Oh!
64
00:02:57,778 --> 00:03:00,710
I gave up the booze, the
smokes, and off-roading.
65
00:03:00,711 --> 00:03:03,183
Now this kid better
be freaking cute.
66
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,816
Okay, Roxanne.
Come on, let's cut to it.
67
00:03:06,817 --> 00:03:08,258
Where's your boyfriend?
Where's Rick?
68
00:03:08,259 --> 00:03:10,320
Jim, that's none
of our business.
69
00:03:10,321 --> 00:03:12,763
No, it's okay. We
split up a while ago.
70
00:03:13,464 --> 00:03:14,765
No kidding.
71
00:03:15,926 --> 00:03:18,197
Gee, if you two kids
couldn't make it,
72
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:20,501
there's no hope for anybody
in this roller-coaster world.
73
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:23,673
What do you want?
What are you doing here?
74
00:03:23,674 --> 00:03:25,835
Jim. No, Cheryl.
What do you want?
75
00:03:25,836 --> 00:03:27,877
Aw, jeez, Jimmy,
76
00:03:27,878 --> 00:03:30,410
can't a girl show up
on her brother's doorstep
77
00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:31,581
broke, knocked up, and alone,
78
00:03:31,582 --> 00:03:32,943
and not be after something?
79
00:03:36,547 --> 00:03:38,248
I need a place to stay.
80
00:03:38,249 --> 00:03:40,690
Okay, now it begins.
81
00:03:40,691 --> 00:03:42,792
"I need a place to stay,"
82
00:03:42,793 --> 00:03:44,994
the good cookies...
83
00:03:44,995 --> 00:03:46,496
Cheryl, you want
to get the money sock?
84
00:03:46,497 --> 00:03:48,898
We're giving it
all away tonight.
85
00:03:48,899 --> 00:03:51,000
Honey, can I talk to you
in the other room?
86
00:03:51,001 --> 00:03:54,003
No, I'm not going in
the other room with you.
87
00:03:54,004 --> 00:03:57,607
To talk. So you can
appeal to my emotions.
88
00:03:57,608 --> 00:03:59,669
No way.
I'm smarter than that.
89
00:03:59,670 --> 00:04:00,870
I'm in the mood for a quickie.
90
00:04:05,876 --> 00:04:07,448
I know you're lying.
91
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,249
Am I?
92
00:04:10,381 --> 00:04:11,922
I can't be 100% sure.
Come on.
93
00:04:15,626 --> 00:04:18,359
Oh, yes, the couch,
the couch. Good idea.
94
00:04:18,889 --> 00:04:20,030
We got to let her stay.
95
00:04:20,791 --> 00:04:23,793
I knew it!
96
00:04:23,794 --> 00:04:25,495
Look, honey, we can
put her in Kyle's room,
97
00:04:25,496 --> 00:04:27,537
and then Kyle can stay
in our room. It'll be fine.
98
00:04:27,538 --> 00:04:30,340
No. No. No way.
She is not staying here.
99
00:04:30,341 --> 00:04:32,442
And what about Andy?
What if Andy sees Roxanne?
100
00:04:32,443 --> 00:04:33,543
It's going to just kill him.
101
00:04:33,544 --> 00:04:35,044
I know. It's going
to be hard on him,
102
00:04:35,045 --> 00:04:37,006
but we just have
to let him know easy.
103
00:04:37,007 --> 00:04:38,949
ANDY: Oh, my God, no!
104
00:04:41,952 --> 00:04:43,513
I can't believe this.
105
00:04:43,514 --> 00:04:45,014
You made French toast
and didn't call me.
106
00:04:45,015 --> 00:04:46,657
We had an agreement.
107
00:04:48,759 --> 00:04:49,959
(STAMMERING)
Andy, sit down.
108
00:04:49,960 --> 00:04:51,290
I need to tell you something.
109
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,024
Ooh, man. I hope
labor's that easy.
110
00:04:57,968 --> 00:04:58,999
Hey.
111
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:01,802
Andy.
112
00:05:04,304 --> 00:05:06,305
Hi, Roxanne.
113
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:07,707
Whoa, look at you.
114
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:09,008
Yeah.
115
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,480
Yeah, a little pregnant, huh?
116
00:05:10,481 --> 00:05:12,582
That was my first thought, yeah.
117
00:05:12,583 --> 00:05:14,445
Yeah. And it's
yours, honey.
118
00:05:17,348 --> 00:05:19,450
Okay, that wasn't my second.
119
00:05:28,499 --> 00:05:31,100
All right, Andy's
helping Roxanne unpack.
120
00:05:31,101 --> 00:05:32,902
How are we doing
on that air mattress?
121
00:05:32,903 --> 00:05:34,504
Just a couple more minutes.
122
00:05:34,505 --> 00:05:35,635
Ruby's getting a second wind.
123
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:36,667
Oh.
124
00:05:37,768 --> 00:05:39,539
Daddy, I'm dizzy.
125
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,772
All right, you tag out.
Gracie, you're up.
126
00:05:43,744 --> 00:05:44,814
Jim.
127
00:05:44,815 --> 00:05:47,647
What? I'm stewing.
128
00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:50,580
You want me to stew and
blow up the air mattress?
129
00:05:50,581 --> 00:05:53,523
That puts a lot of
strain on a man's heart.
130
00:05:53,524 --> 00:05:55,084
Don't you want your children
to have a father around?
131
00:05:55,085 --> 00:05:57,957
Do you hate
your children, Cheryl?
132
00:05:57,958 --> 00:05:59,389
Yeah, Jim, I hate our children.
133
00:05:59,390 --> 00:06:01,461
(BOTH GASP)
134
00:06:01,462 --> 00:06:04,594
Oh. Oh, no, no,
no, no, no, my girls.
135
00:06:04,595 --> 00:06:06,666
Oh, I love you.
Mmm, I love you.
136
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,638
In fact, why don't you
girls go get ice cream
137
00:06:08,639 --> 00:06:11,070
while Daddy blows up
the air mattress?
138
00:06:11,071 --> 00:06:12,142
Fine.
139
00:06:13,003 --> 00:06:14,674
Hey, what's going on?
140
00:06:14,675 --> 00:06:16,105
Well, uh, Roxanne's here.
141
00:06:16,106 --> 00:06:17,877
She's pregnant,
and it's Andy's baby.
142
00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:18,978
Oh, yeah?
143
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,510
Wait till you hear about my day.
144
00:06:20,511 --> 00:06:22,752
I went to the coffee shop,
145
00:06:22,753 --> 00:06:24,654
and you know those maple
scones they're always out of?
146
00:06:24,655 --> 00:06:26,617
They had them.
I ate six!
147
00:06:27,458 --> 00:06:29,889
Dana, Dana, focus.
148
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,923
Roxanne is here, and she's
pregnant with Andy's baby.
149
00:06:33,724 --> 00:06:35,065
What?
Yes.
150
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,698
Oh, my God.
151
00:06:38,729 --> 00:06:40,399
Andy a father?
152
00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,931
Roxanne a mother?
153
00:06:41,932 --> 00:06:43,633
I ate six maple scones?
154
00:06:43,634 --> 00:06:44,974
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
155
00:06:44,975 --> 00:06:46,576
Dana, Dana,
you're hyperventilating.
156
00:06:46,577 --> 00:06:49,178
Here, blow into this.
Here.
157
00:06:49,179 --> 00:06:51,882
I hate my life.
I'm alone and bloated.
158
00:06:54,044 --> 00:06:56,686
Dana, this is not about you.
159
00:06:56,687 --> 00:06:57,747
This is about your brother.
160
00:06:57,748 --> 00:06:59,889
He's upstairs,
and he is freaked out.
161
00:06:59,890 --> 00:07:01,552
(SCATTING)
162
00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:08,898
Hey, Cheryl, you got an old
breast pump laying around?
163
00:07:08,899 --> 00:07:09,929
What?
164
00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:11,200
Ah, I'll buy a new one.
165
00:07:11,201 --> 00:07:13,062
(GASPS) Dana!
166
00:07:13,063 --> 00:07:14,534
I'm going to be a dad.
167
00:07:14,535 --> 00:07:16,666
Anything new with you?
No, right?
168
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,207
Come here.
169
00:07:18,208 --> 00:07:19,909
Wait, wait a minute.
170
00:07:19,910 --> 00:07:22,542
You and Roxanne
broke up a year ago.
171
00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:24,213
This can't be your baby.
172
00:07:24,214 --> 00:07:26,716
She's right.
173
00:07:26,717 --> 00:07:33,022
Well, well, well. So the baby
isn't my niece or nephew.
174
00:07:33,023 --> 00:07:36,527
No. No, honey, no.
It's still your sister's kid.
175
00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,630
Be that as it may,
176
00:07:40,631 --> 00:07:44,934
I am not going to let Roxanne
take advantage of us or that sap.
177
00:07:44,935 --> 00:07:46,736
Come on, Andy.
Let's go talk to her.
178
00:07:46,737 --> 00:07:48,898
Uh, yeah, wait, Jim, um...
179
00:07:48,899 --> 00:07:51,000
What if, say,
roughly nine months ago,
180
00:07:51,001 --> 00:07:53,102
I went to Vegas to, you know,
181
00:07:53,103 --> 00:07:54,974
get the marriage
annulled with Roxanne,
182
00:07:54,975 --> 00:07:56,506
and, oh, I don't know,
183
00:07:56,507 --> 00:07:58,848
let's say there was
a hot tub place
184
00:07:58,849 --> 00:08:00,610
next to the courthouse...
185
00:08:00,611 --> 00:08:02,712
Andy, Andy, Andy.
186
00:08:02,713 --> 00:08:04,483
I don't believe you.
187
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,686
After what she did to you,
how could you even look at her?
188
00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:07,857
Hey, don't preach to me.
189
00:08:07,858 --> 00:08:10,089
Preach to my fiery Latin libido.
190
00:08:10,090 --> 00:08:11,160
What?
191
00:08:11,161 --> 00:08:12,261
You're not Latin.
192
00:08:12,262 --> 00:08:14,924
Parts of me are.
193
00:08:14,925 --> 00:08:17,697
Andy, come on.
Wake up here, all right?
194
00:08:17,698 --> 00:08:19,769
Roxanne is a user.
195
00:08:19,770 --> 00:08:22,501
She's going to split and
leave you with the baby.
196
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,104
Are you ready
to be a single dad?
197
00:08:24,875 --> 00:08:27,006
Just now, upstairs,
198
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,078
I felt Roxanne's stomach,
199
00:08:29,079 --> 00:08:30,881
and the baby kicked.
200
00:08:31,582 --> 00:08:33,282
My baby.
201
00:08:33,283 --> 00:08:36,186
You guys, man, it made me so...
202
00:08:37,748 --> 00:08:39,549
Happy.
203
00:08:39,550 --> 00:08:42,521
So yeah, Jim,
I'm ready to be a dad.
204
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:44,153
I even know the first present
205
00:08:44,154 --> 00:08:46,034
I'm going to give the
baby, my stuffed elephant.
206
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:49,099
Lord Tuskington?
207
00:08:50,661 --> 00:08:51,731
Who?
208
00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,302
Oh, he got it
when he was a baby.
209
00:08:53,303 --> 00:08:54,964
He and Tusky were inseparable.
210
00:08:54,965 --> 00:08:56,266
They even had a wedding once.
211
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,638
What?
212
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,309
It was a friendship ceremony.
213
00:09:00,310 --> 00:09:03,643
(LAUGHING)
You gave him a ring.
214
00:09:03,644 --> 00:09:08,318
Oh, yeah? Well, you used to kiss Michael
Landon through the TV screen. Snap.
215
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:12,052
So did you. Snap.
216
00:09:14,184 --> 00:09:16,086
His hair was confusing.
217
00:09:27,097 --> 00:09:28,868
So they pull it out, and
it's all covered in slime...
218
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:31,271
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's going on?
219
00:09:32,302 --> 00:09:33,943
Hey, girls.
Hi, Daddy.
220
00:09:33,944 --> 00:09:36,706
Aunt Roxanne's telling
us about having babies.
221
00:09:36,707 --> 00:09:38,308
Don't worry.
I kept it G-rated.
222
00:09:40,651 --> 00:09:42,783
Daddy, what's episiotomy?
223
00:09:46,717 --> 00:09:49,058
Oh, episiotomy, that's, uh...
224
00:09:49,059 --> 00:09:50,821
That's one of
SpongeBob's friends.
225
00:09:53,063 --> 00:09:55,064
Hey, girls,
226
00:09:55,065 --> 00:09:56,973
you want to go upstairs and
find the pony I hid in your room?
227
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,799
Yay!
228
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,802
You know, you could
just tell us to leave.
229
00:10:03,634 --> 00:10:05,304
Did I say pony?
230
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:06,806
I meant dollar.
231
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:09,939
Yay!
232
00:10:09,940 --> 00:10:13,183
You know, they grow up
a lot slower than you think.
233
00:10:15,215 --> 00:10:17,286
So, Roxanne, what's the plan?
234
00:10:17,287 --> 00:10:18,888
I don't know.
235
00:10:18,889 --> 00:10:21,220
Some peanut butter,
maybe a little jelly.
236
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:22,852
Uh-huh.
237
00:10:22,853 --> 00:10:24,854
Tell me if this sounds right.
238
00:10:24,855 --> 00:10:28,758
You have the baby,
you move in with Andy,
239
00:10:28,759 --> 00:10:30,700
you get him all
emotionally attached,
240
00:10:30,701 --> 00:10:32,402
you leave, and he
becomes Mr. Mom.
241
00:10:33,363 --> 00:10:34,834
Why would I leave?
242
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,936
Because that's
what you do, Roxanne.
243
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:39,238
Kids like ice cream,
dogs lick themselves,
244
00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:41,170
and you let people down.
245
00:10:41,171 --> 00:10:43,744
Oh. No, not this time.
246
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,075
Andy is a great guy.
247
00:10:46,076 --> 00:10:47,817
Yes, he is.
248
00:10:47,818 --> 00:10:50,720
He's sweet, he's
loving and successful.
249
00:10:50,721 --> 00:10:51,851
Why do you think I picked him?
250
00:10:51,852 --> 00:10:53,683
Whoa, picked him?
251
00:10:53,684 --> 00:10:54,685
What do you mean by that?
252
00:10:55,986 --> 00:10:57,987
Are you telling me
that Andy's not the father?
253
00:10:57,988 --> 00:10:59,289
Of course he is.
254
00:11:00,731 --> 00:11:02,661
Oh.
255
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:05,264
I mean, you know, there's
always that tiny percentage,
256
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:08,868
you know, where a gal
can never be sure.
257
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:11,140
Yes, they can, Roxanne.
258
00:11:11,141 --> 00:11:13,072
Oh.
259
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:15,775
Are you absolutely sure
you're the father of your kids?
260
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:17,047
Yes, I am.
261
00:11:18,148 --> 00:11:19,408
Who is it?
262
00:11:19,409 --> 00:11:20,750
It's Rick, right?
263
00:11:20,751 --> 00:11:22,351
He's the father.
Rick, right?
264
00:11:22,352 --> 00:11:23,883
Or Andy.
265
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,184
ANDY: Okay.
266
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,386
(LAUGHS) Got a couple
slabs of ribs,
267
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:29,088
some mint chocolate chip
ice cream,
268
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,389
and a watermelon.
269
00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:32,992
Andy, you won't
have to take care
270
00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,794
of Roxanne's cravings anymore.
271
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:37,027
Roxanne, you have cravings?
Want some of my dinner?
272
00:11:39,069 --> 00:11:40,800
No, Roxanne just told me
273
00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,101
that Rick might be the father.
274
00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:43,702
Oh, come on, Jimmy.
I didn't say that.
275
00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:44,974
Yes, you did.
You said that Andy
276
00:11:44,975 --> 00:11:46,435
wasn't the only one
you were with.
277
00:11:46,436 --> 00:11:48,308
Well, I meant ever.
278
00:11:50,741 --> 00:11:53,212
Andy knows I'm no angel.
279
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:56,085
Doesn't mean she's never
been to heaven. Wink.
280
00:11:56,086 --> 00:11:57,446
(LAUGHING)
Fresh.
281
00:11:57,447 --> 00:11:59,248
Andy, Andy.
Hey, what?
282
00:11:59,249 --> 00:12:01,050
(MUMBLES) But...
No bu-bu-bu.
283
00:12:01,051 --> 00:12:02,922
No, Andy...
Bu-bu-bu!
284
00:12:02,923 --> 00:12:04,323
First of all,
you don't bu-bu me.
285
00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:05,724
I bu-bu-bu you.
286
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,828
Well, you won't let
it go, Jim. Come on.
287
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:10,830
For God's sake,
give her a break.
288
00:12:10,831 --> 00:12:12,201
Your sister says I'm
the father of the baby,
289
00:12:12,202 --> 00:12:13,863
I'm the father of the baby.
290
00:12:13,864 --> 00:12:16,335
Nothing you can say
is going to change that.
291
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:18,337
Come on, Roxanne.
I'll get your stuff.
292
00:12:18,338 --> 00:12:19,810
You stay with me tonight.
293
00:12:23,473 --> 00:12:25,945
You know what? The
ice cream's going to melt.
294
00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:28,748
I'll get your stuff later.
Good day, sir.
295
00:12:31,922 --> 00:12:36,355
So three quick inhales followed
by a deep, cleansing exhale.
296
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:40,029
Three inhales, one exhale.
297
00:12:40,030 --> 00:12:43,533
Can't we just skip to the part where they
give you the drugs and the baby shoots out?
298
00:12:45,235 --> 00:12:46,465
Andy.
299
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,267
Oh, great.
What are you doing here?
300
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,039
Look, there was no
other way to do this.
301
00:12:50,040 --> 00:12:52,041
You wouldn't listen to me.
302
00:12:52,042 --> 00:12:54,344
Roxanne, you want
to introduce them?
303
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:56,405
Rick.
304
00:12:56,406 --> 00:12:57,877
Hey, Roxy.
305
00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,879
Oh, okay,
you're the famous Rick,
306
00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:03,152
as in the "I love Rick" tattoo
on her left butt cheek.
307
00:13:03,153 --> 00:13:05,354
Yeah, I did that myself, yeah.
308
00:13:05,355 --> 00:13:07,487
Yeah, well, he told me it
was going to be a unicorn.
309
00:13:08,959 --> 00:13:11,020
How could you do this?
I told you to stay out of it.
310
00:13:11,021 --> 00:13:12,791
I'm just trying
to look out for you.
311
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,963
Did I ask you
to look out for me?
312
00:13:13,964 --> 00:13:15,464
Did I say, "Hey, Jim,
look out for me,
313
00:13:15,465 --> 00:13:17,466
"because I can't look out
for myself. I'm an idiot"?
314
00:13:17,467 --> 00:13:20,529
I thought that was implied.
315
00:13:20,530 --> 00:13:23,874
Roxy, why didn't you tell
me you were knocked up?
316
00:13:24,975 --> 00:13:26,805
Would you have cared?
317
00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:29,438
Please, I'm a sensitive man.
318
00:13:29,439 --> 00:13:31,241
Your melons are huge,
by the way.
319
00:13:32,342 --> 00:13:34,483
Rick, why don't you
do us all a favor
320
00:13:34,484 --> 00:13:36,045
and get the hell out of here?
321
00:13:36,046 --> 00:13:37,516
I'm not going anywhere.
322
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:39,518
Well, you're also not lying
on the floor bleeding, either,
323
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:40,950
but things can change.
324
00:13:40,951 --> 00:13:42,551
Come on, Jimmy, do something.
325
00:13:42,552 --> 00:13:44,593
Okay, okay, okay, okay,
easy, guys, easy.
326
00:13:44,594 --> 00:13:47,056
(LAUGHS) Come on,
calm down here.
327
00:13:47,057 --> 00:13:48,227
Care to step outside?
328
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:51,160
Oh, I don't know.
It's kind of chilly.
329
00:13:51,161 --> 00:13:52,902
That's 'cause
there's a storm coming.
330
00:13:52,903 --> 00:13:55,204
Oh, really?
I heard Friday.
331
00:13:55,205 --> 00:13:57,266
Andy, he's talking
about kicking your ass.
332
00:13:57,267 --> 00:13:59,008
Oh. Well, either way,
333
00:13:59,009 --> 00:14:00,609
it's going to rain Friday.
334
00:14:00,610 --> 00:14:02,171
Come on, bring it on. Easy now.
335
00:14:02,172 --> 00:14:03,612
Listen, you don't want
to do that here.
336
00:14:03,613 --> 00:14:05,875
Oh! Ooh! Aah!
I'm having a contraction!
337
00:14:05,876 --> 00:14:07,977
(GASPS) I think
the baby's coming.
338
00:14:07,978 --> 00:14:10,079
We've got to do something.
Where's the lady?
339
00:14:10,080 --> 00:14:11,881
Here, let's check the tape.
340
00:14:11,882 --> 00:14:13,322
ANDY ON TAPE:
Notes for a novel,
341
00:14:13,323 --> 00:14:15,124
Andrew Slate, the
rugged blond architect,
342
00:14:15,125 --> 00:14:16,625
heaved his muscular frame and...
343
00:14:16,626 --> 00:14:18,327
Damn it!
344
00:14:18,328 --> 00:14:21,530
All right, all right. Just calm
down. Relax. Everybody relax.
345
00:14:21,531 --> 00:14:25,364
I'm a dad. I've done this
a couple times before.
346
00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:26,366
You two together?
347
00:14:27,898 --> 00:14:29,568
Good for you.
348
00:14:29,569 --> 00:14:31,901
All right, all right, Roxanne,
did your water bag break?
349
00:14:31,902 --> 00:14:33,342
Oh, not yet.
350
00:14:33,343 --> 00:14:35,205
I think mine just did.
351
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:47,416
Hey, I have a good name.
352
00:14:47,417 --> 00:14:49,419
If it's a girl, Priscilla.
353
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,021
Eh.
354
00:14:52,022 --> 00:14:53,222
Hey, okay, okay.
355
00:14:53,223 --> 00:14:55,264
How about Jasmine?
That's a good name.
356
00:14:55,265 --> 00:14:57,997
Yeah, for a hooker.
357
00:14:57,998 --> 00:14:59,428
All right,
you come up with a name.
358
00:14:59,429 --> 00:15:01,901
How about Little Miss
I-Should-Be-The-One-Having-A-Baby?
359
00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:04,934
Or Jessica.
Yeah.
360
00:15:04,935 --> 00:15:06,976
Jessica's a good name.
Yeah.
361
00:15:06,977 --> 00:15:12,081
Here. Boy, this really reminds
me of when Ruby was born.
362
00:15:12,082 --> 00:15:14,684
And you panicked and took
me to the animal hospital?
363
00:15:15,986 --> 00:15:18,687
She came out just fine.
364
00:15:18,688 --> 00:15:21,952
I gave birth next to a
dog. I still have nightmares.
365
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,194
(BARKS)
Oh!
366
00:15:26,296 --> 00:15:28,027
Roxanne's out of delivery.
367
00:15:28,028 --> 00:15:30,199
Mother and son are doing fine.
368
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:31,560
It's a boy.
369
00:15:31,561 --> 00:15:33,263
BOTH: Trevor.
370
00:15:35,005 --> 00:15:37,166
I'm the father.
Lead the way.
371
00:15:37,167 --> 00:15:38,937
No, I'm the father.
372
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,169
Oh, you still want to
go? Because I'll go.
373
00:15:40,170 --> 00:15:41,170
Okay, okay, okay,
easy, easy, guys.
374
00:15:41,171 --> 00:15:43,072
We're in a hospital.
375
00:15:43,073 --> 00:15:45,193
Actually, she just wants to
see her brother right now.
376
00:15:46,616 --> 00:15:48,577
Me?
377
00:15:48,578 --> 00:15:50,319
Cheryl, why does
she want to see me?
378
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:52,121
I don't even like her that much.
379
00:15:52,122 --> 00:15:54,583
Why don't you talk to her?
You like her. She likes you.
380
00:15:54,584 --> 00:15:56,225
Come on.
381
00:15:56,226 --> 00:15:57,956
Honey, I know you guys
don't get along,
382
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,358
but, Jim,
383
00:15:59,359 --> 00:16:00,959
she's holding
your nephew in there,
384
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,031
(SIGHS)
385
00:16:02,032 --> 00:16:03,492
and she's scared,
386
00:16:03,493 --> 00:16:05,334
and you're the only
family she's got.
387
00:16:05,335 --> 00:16:07,136
Go on.
388
00:16:07,137 --> 00:16:09,468
Why do you always have
to see the good in people?
389
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:12,071
Oh. I married you.
390
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:14,344
Everyone else
is a piece of cake.
391
00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,111
Hey.
392
00:16:22,112 --> 00:16:23,183
Hey.
393
00:16:24,214 --> 00:16:26,285
How you doing?
394
00:16:26,286 --> 00:16:29,618
I feel like I just peed
out a steamer trunk.
395
00:16:29,619 --> 00:16:31,221
How do you think I'm doing?
396
00:16:32,122 --> 00:16:33,463
You got a little
baby there, huh?
397
00:16:35,095 --> 00:16:36,425
Let me see.
398
00:16:36,426 --> 00:16:37,496
Jimmy, wait.
399
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,369
No, no, no, let me see.
400
00:16:42,472 --> 00:16:43,733
Holy crap.
401
00:16:46,136 --> 00:16:48,738
That baby doesn't
look like Andy or Rick.
402
00:16:49,639 --> 00:16:51,441
This baby's Chinese!
403
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,385
Yeah.
404
00:16:56,386 --> 00:16:57,587
Yeah.
405
00:16:58,318 --> 00:16:59,519
Funny story.
406
00:17:02,152 --> 00:17:05,194
Last summer,
I had these headaches,
407
00:17:05,195 --> 00:17:07,596
and I went to see
this acupuncturist,
408
00:17:07,597 --> 00:17:09,798
and he had an office right
next to a hot tub place...
409
00:17:09,799 --> 00:17:13,433
Okay, okay, I get it, I
get it, I get it, I get it.
410
00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,136
Roxanne, what are
you going to do?
411
00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,369
I mean, you got Rick and
Andy waiting out there.
412
00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:22,071
Right.
413
00:17:22,072 --> 00:17:23,573
Yeah, which one do I choose?
414
00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,675
Choose?
415
00:17:26,676 --> 00:17:30,719
Yeah, Andy, he's sweet,
and he has a really nice house,
416
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,322
but Rick's got a bitching hog.
417
00:17:33,323 --> 00:17:36,186
Roxanne, neither one
of them is the father.
418
00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:39,488
Wake up.
Will you wake up?
419
00:17:39,489 --> 00:17:40,789
You've got to grow up, honey.
420
00:17:40,790 --> 00:17:42,461
You're a mother, now.
Look at you.
421
00:17:42,462 --> 00:17:43,792
You're not even
holding the baby right.
422
00:17:43,793 --> 00:17:46,335
Let me show you. Let me
show you how to hold a...
423
00:17:46,336 --> 00:17:48,737
You've got to
support their neck.
424
00:17:48,738 --> 00:17:50,769
It's the most vulnerable
part of babies
425
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:54,103
when they're little
small things like this.
426
00:17:54,104 --> 00:17:55,305
See that?
427
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,078
(LAUGHING)
428
00:18:00,550 --> 00:18:02,852
Look at you, yeah.
429
00:18:04,614 --> 00:18:07,117
My little nephew.
Happy birthday.
430
00:18:10,220 --> 00:18:11,591
He's beautiful, isn't he?
431
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,693
Yeah.
432
00:18:15,165 --> 00:18:16,666
He's got my chin.
433
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:20,829
Chin.
434
00:18:20,830 --> 00:18:23,102
You know, that would be
a really good name for him.
435
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,213
Look at this boy.
436
00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:36,216
Will you look at this boy?
437
00:18:36,846 --> 00:18:38,787
You know, Roxanne,
438
00:18:38,788 --> 00:18:42,222
he's going to need you to
show him how to live his life.
439
00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:45,594
Now, you're the teacher,
440
00:18:45,595 --> 00:18:47,756
And what, are you going
to teach him that it's okay
441
00:18:47,757 --> 00:18:49,799
to screw over
people that love you?
442
00:18:51,201 --> 00:18:52,431
Well...
443
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:54,434
Look, this is
your shot, Roxanne.
444
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,867
This is your shot.
445
00:18:58,868 --> 00:19:02,611
And the amazing thing
about these little babies
446
00:19:02,612 --> 00:19:04,744
is they give you
the chance to start over.
447
00:19:06,846 --> 00:19:08,677
Knock, knock.
Can we come in?
448
00:19:08,678 --> 00:19:10,879
Who's he look like?
Who's he look like?
449
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:13,653
About a fifth of the
world's population.
450
00:19:16,386 --> 00:19:17,457
Whoa.
451
00:19:18,328 --> 00:19:19,729
What happened?
452
00:19:20,830 --> 00:19:22,762
He's Chinese, you idiot.
453
00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,895
He's all yours, slim.
454
00:19:27,837 --> 00:19:30,600
Well, looks like you're
off the hook, too.
455
00:19:34,744 --> 00:19:36,776
What if I don't want
to be off the hook?
456
00:19:37,947 --> 00:19:39,248
What are you talking about?
457
00:19:39,249 --> 00:19:42,211
This baby still needs
a father, Roxanne,
458
00:19:42,212 --> 00:19:43,912
someone to love him,
put a roof over his head.
459
00:19:43,913 --> 00:19:45,684
I can provide those things.
460
00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,525
I mean, isn't that why
you came looking for me?
461
00:19:49,419 --> 00:19:50,759
Yeah.
462
00:19:50,760 --> 00:19:51,820
Yeah, but I've been thinking...
463
00:19:51,821 --> 00:19:52,962
What?
Well...
464
00:19:54,694 --> 00:19:57,727
I think it would be nice if
he meets his real father.
465
00:19:58,598 --> 00:19:59,929
Chin deserves that.
466
00:20:07,277 --> 00:20:08,338
Chin?
467
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,581
Well, yeah, just trying it out.
468
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,213
Okay.
469
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:19,549
Well, if it doesn't work out, or if
you want to jump in the old jacuz,
470
00:20:22,322 --> 00:20:23,922
you got my number.
471
00:20:23,923 --> 00:20:25,925
Aw, Andy, you're so sweet.
472
00:20:27,457 --> 00:20:28,597
(SIGHS)
473
00:20:28,598 --> 00:20:30,900
Can I call collect?
Is that cool?
474
00:20:32,662 --> 00:20:34,403
Yeah.
475
00:20:34,404 --> 00:20:36,004
Um, uh, here.
476
00:20:36,005 --> 00:20:37,366
This is for the baby.
477
00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:39,739
I'm going to go get
Cheryl and Dana.
478
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:47,517
Oh, he would have been
a really good dad.
479
00:20:48,918 --> 00:20:50,720
He will be, someday.
480
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,383
So...
481
00:20:55,555 --> 00:20:57,287
What if we go back
482
00:20:58,628 --> 00:21:00,329
and see the acupuncturist,
483
00:21:00,330 --> 00:21:02,330
and he doesn't want to
have anything to do with us?
484
00:21:03,993 --> 00:21:05,365
Well...
485
00:21:08,598 --> 00:21:09,899
You got my number.
486
00:21:15,044 --> 00:21:16,945
Hey, look.
487
00:21:16,946 --> 00:21:18,878
He gave me an elephant.
488
00:21:20,850 --> 00:21:23,953
(CHUCKLING) Oh, yeah.
That's Lord Tuskington.
489
00:21:26,316 --> 00:21:29,389
That was Andy's first
stuffed animal, and spouse.
490
00:21:31,821 --> 00:21:34,063
Might want to wash it
before you give it to the kid.
31787
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