Original subtitles

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. I-Hate-Therapy himself.

I don't hate therapy, I hate therapists.

Oh. One in particular.

And yet you're here to see a psychiatrist.

(CHUCKLES) Interesting.

Look, I have a dilemma.

Oh, I can't wait to hear this.

Okay. Jay has been out of town for the past six weeks.

And she's coming home tonight.

I keep having this recurring dream. It's more like a nightmare.

Why don't you tell me about it, Michael?

Okay, I'm walking down this sandy beach, and all of a sudden,

this giant whale jumps out the water and starts chasing me.

By any chance, was this a sperm whale?

No.

Damn! 'Cause I know what that means.

Anyway, I'm running and running away from this whale,

and all of a sudden it swallows me up,

and inside is Jay and she's cooking,

right there inside the whale.

Classic dream.

Okay, Michael, you see, the whale represents Jay's mother,

and you're afraid that while Jay has been away

her mother has swallowed her up.

See, your fear is that she's no longer the woman she was

when she left six weeks ago.

Wow. That's brilliant.

Yeah, the whale, and the mother...

'Cause I've always seen her mother like that.

It's outlined in my book, Michael. Chapter nine.

It's not a nightmare. You're just married.

I mean, you know, in the whole 16 years we've been married,

I've never felt this kind of anxiety.

I mean, what should I do?

You relax.

See, naturally you're going to feel anxiety, Michael.

And your fear is that you're out of control.

The answer is that you take control.

Take control.

Mmm, take control. Grab the reins.

That's it, hold on tight.

I'm in control!

That's it! Be Janet! Be in control! Yeah!

I like that. You see?

All right. You take control

and you set a romantic evening for the night.

You light some candles, you put on some music.

Send the kids away for the night.

Put that on ice.

Hey, baby!

(SCREAMING) I missed you!

Guess who's home.

I missed you!

(SCREAMING)

(GRUNTING)

Sorry, baby. You all right?

Yeah, I'm cool. I'm cool.

Get away from the chair and give me a big hug. Give me hug!

Oh, God, I missed you so much!

I missed you, too, and there's so much to miss.

What do you mean?

You just fill up the room.

Thank you. Wow.

(SNIFFS) Ooh! What smells so good.

(LAUGHS) That would be me.

No, I smell gravy.

Well, I made some chicken dumplings for the kids

before I sent them out to the movies.

So we're all alone? Yeah.

Oh, baby, how romantic.

You got any biscuits left?

I see... Yeah, there's biscuits.

Uh, there's all kinds of leftovers. You know, if, uh...

Didn't you eat on the plane?

Baby, the plane was great.

Babe, some fool fell asleep next to me, left his lasagna.

(LAUGHS)

I tore that lasagna up. It was good, too!

You sure everybody didn't fall asleep?

No. I mean, you know...

Being a night flight and all.

Oh, yeah. No.

So how's your mom?

Please, you know how my mother is.

She had me cooking for her all the time.

Her answer to everything is just food.

You must have had a million questions.

Wait a minute. We are in this big old house

all by ourselves, aren't we?

It ain't that big anymore, but...

It's just us. Just you and me.

So are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Mmm-hmm.

Let's eat.

Jay?

JAY: I'm in the bathroom. Check out my Victoria's Secret.

Damn! I didn't know Victoria had a secret this big.

JAY: Here I come.

Okay, I'm ready.

(CHUCKLING)

(SIGHING)

Ooh!

Mmm, you don't waste much time, do you?

I sure don't.

(LAUGHING)

Hold on a second. Okay.

(SIGHS)

I missed you so much.

I missed you, too.

(KISSING)

Hold on. Hold on.

What? What's wrong?

I'm... I'm not sure.

(SCOFFS) I know exactly what it is.

You do?

I don't have to say it?

No. It's the wait, right?

Yes, the weight, Jay, I swear, I wish I didn't have to...

(SIGHING)

I mean, I wanted to say something as soon as you walked in the door.

Baby, baby, a couple can't wait six weeks

without putting pressure on themselves, right?

Oh, that wait.

Listen to me.

You just relax, there's no pressure, okay?

We have the rest of our lives to make love.

Well, look, Moby... I mean, maybe we should, uh...

Maybe we should cuddle. Let's cuddle. Oh!

What man doesn't love that after two months of nothing?

You're so sweet.

Uh, baby... Mmm-hmm?

Could you get up? I can't feel my arm.

MICHAEL: She gained weight! She's fat!

She left with an ass like J-Lo and came back with one like Jell-O.

Mike, do you love your wife?

Of course I do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't.

Then you have to look beyond her weight.

This is a very serious problem, Michael.

Marriages have broken up over far less than this.

Well, so what do I do? Help me out.

Here's a tool. When you find yourself focusing on her size,

change your focus.

Change my focus.

Look into her eyes.

Yeah, eyes don't get fat, do they?

Mmm-mmm.

There are plenty of people out there who are in love with their partners

and they're not attracted to them.

But I am attracted to her. I just can't find her.

Michael, why is this such a big problem for you?

Because, Doc, for the first time in our marriage,

I can't perform.

Ah-ha!

You suffer from erectile dysfunction.

No, she suffered from erectile dysfunction.

Did you try fantasizing?

Yeah, I tried fantasizing. I pretended she was Halle Berry.

How'd that work? I kept thinking,

"Halle got berry fat."

You know what, Michael? You need Big Blue. Viagra.

I ain't taking that stuff. That's for old folks.

Michael, women don't care how cars were built, man.

Just as long as it gets them from point "A" to point "Oh, yeah!"

I'll tell you what I'm going to do now.

I got some samples here, all right?

Now I want you to put these in your pocket,

and if you change your mind, take one.

And in 26 to 48 minutes, you'll get results.

You got this thing timed up pretty well, huh?

Mmm-hmm.

I like to plan it so it happens around half-time.

The team's in the locker room, but I'm scoring.

Okay, I'll try it, but this ain't what I signed up for.

You had a burger today.

With mustard. And when did you start eating rye bread?

Wow, you're better than one of them dogs at the airport.

Come on, baby. Let's go to bed.

I'm going to eat you alive.

Please, don't.

Babe... Huh?

What do you think about my nightgown?

You look like a big pretty bottle of Pepto Bismol.

Will you stop it? Come on.

(BED CREAKING)

Got room for one more.

You sure?

I'm going to go wash this burger smell off.

No, don't! I like it.

Okay, let me just turn out the light.

Okay. Be right back.

Help.

Okay.

Over the mountains, and through the gums,

look out Johnson, here it comes.

Vanessa, girl, I'm telling you. He was an animal, okay?

And, of course, I was in denial about the weight I put on in California,

and I was just about to do something about it,

but then my husband showed me

that he loves me no matter how I look. Okay?

I got myself a Stedman, girl.

Yes, I do.

Oh, here comes marathon man now.

I got to go. Talk to you later.

Hey, big boy.

Hey, big girl.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, babe, I made you a nice big breakfast

to help you get your strength back.

Mmm.

Honey, (CLICKS TONGUE) last night you made me feel

like the most beautiful woman in the world.

And, you know what? I've come to a decision.

And what's that?

Babe, I don't know if you've noticed,

but, I think I put on a few pounds.

No. Yeah.

I didn't even notice.

No, just a little bit.

Stand up. Let me see.

No, you know what? It might be like, two or three.

If that.

But, you know, if it bothers you,

then maybe you want to join this gym

that I signed you up for.

All you got to do is sign right here.

And look, there's a spin class in about a half hour.

If you hurry, you can make it.

Baby, no, save your money.

Honey, the way you responded to me last night,

it made me feel so wanted and loved.

It was liberating. It changed my life.

Really, how?

It is so hard to be a career woman and a good mother

and still find time to exercise.

Babe, this is a relief.

So I've decided that I'm going to stay big and beautiful,

just the way you like me.

Oh, lucky me.

Hey, baby, what you watching?

(GRUNTS)

My family jewels disappear, that's what I'm watching.

What? What do you mean?

Baby, could you... Get up!

What?

Here. I think I got nerve damage in my leg.

What is up with that?

Look, Jay, I don't think you should be eating ice cream

(EXCLAIMS) all day long.

Okay? You're gaining weight.

Are you trying to say I'm fat?

No... Yeah.

Yeah, I'm saying that you've gained a lot of weight,

and you're in denial ever since you've come home.

What are you trying to say, Michael?

Jay, I'm just saying that you've gone past Chubby Avenue

and you've missed the Oprah off-ramp,

and now you're lost somewhere on Nell Carter Avenue.

I do not find that amusing, Michael.

Come on, Nell Carter Avenue is funny.

That's not amusing.

Yeah, Gimme a Break!

(SINGS GIMME A BREAK! THEME)

Come on, Jay. I'm just trying to make you laugh.

We promised each other we were gonna laugh about everything.

Remember when I lost my hair? You had all the jokes.

I was Sherman Hemsley, you know? I was Mr. Clean and Kojak.

Remember this? You said I was the roll-on deodorant.

I was rolling on.

It's funnier when it's you, Michael.

Well, we got to laugh about you, Jay,

or you got to do something about it.

Because your being overweight

is a choice right now, and it's affecting us.

Oh, it's a choice. What makes you such an expert, Michael?

Because when you and I go to bed,

it shouldn't be a menage a trois.

Uh-huh.

That's enough. That's enough.

You have no idea how shallow you sound right now.

You should accept me for who I am the way I am.

It's hard to accept you for who you are because I know the way you were.

Look, Dr. Bouche said...

Whoa, wait, wait, wait, whoa. Dr. Bouche?

Yeah, I went to see him about this.

Without me?

Yeah, I mean, I was having anxiety. I had this dream...

Yes, and you found me so disgusting,

that it drove you to the one person

that you hate more than anybody else on this earth.

I did not say "disgusting."

Conversation over.

Jay, come on.

I'm glad you're gonna be the bigger person.

Jay... Michael,

I'm warning you. I'm at my fighting weight.

You say one more word about my weight and we're fighting.

Look, if I hurt you, I'm sorry.

Yeah, sorry you're married to me.

Come on, stop talking silly.

Look, Jay, the thing is you've managed to stay in shape

through all the years of our marriage.

I mean, Jay, you staying in shape motivated me to stay in shape.

I would love to sit around drinking beer and getting a big gut, but I don't.

I work out real hard 'cause I want to look good for my baby.

I want us to be lovers for the rest of our lives.

I do too, Michael, but I don't think that should depend on the way I look.

Michael, we got married for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer,

for skinny, for fatter.

Now, see, you're rewriting the vows. I don't remember that.

I do. It was right before the cake.

Come on, Jay, what if I gained 50 pounds?

Would you still be attracted to me?

Yes!

As little as my head is, I'd look like Beetlejuice.

(LAUGHING)

I would love you the same way if you gained 500 pounds.

Michael, I fell in love with your heart.

Really?

Yes. Okay, you know what?

If you want to eat, then I'm gonna eat, too.

And we'll both just grow old and round together, okay?

Really? Yeah. Bring the ice cream here.

Oh.

You mean it? Mmm-hmm.

You will really, really, really grow old and big with me?

Mmm-hmm. I'll have to reinforce my knee.

(LAUGHS)

What's the worst that could happen, huh?

(THUMPING)

Whoa! Boy, those stairs are killing me.

(PANTING) My thighs are on fire from rubbing together.

We need to get a freight elevator or something.

Don't tell Kady that I got hungry and I ate her goldfish on the way down.

Oh, baby, no, not again.

Uh-huh, I get hungry.

Maybe next time we'll just get her a puppy.

Mmm, a puppy!

Stop it.

Some barbecue sauce.

Would you stop it?

(GROANS) I think it's time to wake the kids, Michael.

Oh, I'll do it. Here, hand me that bacon.

(LAUGHING) I love to do this.

Oh, watch this. I call this the pork alarm.

(SQUEALING)

(THUMPING)

Here they come. Here they come.

(GRUNTING)

Good morning, children.

Good morning, Dad.

Oh, Junior, you're looking wonderful today.

Is that another chin I see coming in?

Yes, sir, I gained five pounds this morning.

Great. It's gonna be a while before you get some of these, though.

And how's my little fatty patty?

Hungry.

Do you want to play? You want to play? You want to play?

You want to play? You go ahead.

(EXCLAIMS)

No more, greedy. Get away.

Ooh, look, I had my navel pierced.

Let me see.

I don't know where it is!

Well, I don't know, but there's the phone.

Michael, Michael. What?

Baby, this is awful. Look at them. They're huge.

Yeah, they're huge, but they're happy.

That's right. We're celebrating our weight.

That's right. Thanks, Mom, for setting such a great example.

Yes, you did. Yes, you did. You set the best example ever.

Let's all... Don't you eat that food yet.

Let's all hold hands and quietly give thanks

for this 40 pounds of food we're about to scarf down. Okay.

(ALL GRUNTING)

All right, let's eat.

Don't take it all, greedy. Don't take it all, greedy.

You save me some.

You all don't eat so fast.

It'll speed up your metabolism.

I'll bite you.

Try to do it again.

Stop it! Stop it! Just stop it!

They started.

JAY: Stop, all right?

You know what? This can't be healthy.

Michael, I think we need to go on a diet. This can't be healthy!

Oh! Healthy-smealthy.

What do you want us to be? One of them body-conscious, anorexic families,

like the girl here in this picture?

No! (SCREAMING)

No, no! Don't!

You like that? Look, look, look.

(SCREAMING)

Wait a minute, wait a minute, where's Kady?

Oh, here she comes right now.

Feed me, feed me, feed me.

Oh, my God. My baby.

COME ON, GET ON DADDY'S LAP.

COME ON, BABY. COME ON ON DADDY'S LAP.

BABY, YOU OKAY?

(MUMBLING) HERE YOU GO, EAT SOMETHING.

HERE YOU GO. YEAH, THAT DID IT.

EAT SOME MORE. (MUMBLING)

(GASPS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Michael, baby, wake up.

(GASPING) My ice cream! I got to get ice cream.

No, no. Don't, no.

No more ice cream. No more ice cream, baby.

I'm starting my diet, right now.

What changed your mind?

(SIGHING) Baby, I had the worst nightmare. You all were big.

You and the kids were huge, and you were all breathing like this...

(GRUNTING)

Babe, I made a decision. I'm going to do something about my weight.

And you, I want you to stay just the way you are.

Sweetie.

I mean it.

Give me some sugar.

Okay. You can have it all.

No more?

Hey.

I decided that I'm gonna stay... Damn!

My bad.

Remember this? I was the roll-on deodorant.

Okay.

I put on deodorant, man.