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1
00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:09,144
Well, well, well.
2
00:00:09,177 --> 00:00:12,477
If it isn't
Mr. I-Hate-Therapy himself.
3
00:00:12,513 --> 00:00:14,753
I don't hate therapy,
I hate therapists.
4
00:00:14,782 --> 00:00:16,722
Oh.
One in particular.
5
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:18,550
And yet you're here
to see a psychiatrist.
6
00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:20,086
(CHUCKLES) Interesting.
7
00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:24,193
Look, I have a dilemma.
8
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:26,225
Oh, I can't wait
to hear this.
9
00:00:26,260 --> 00:00:30,060
Okay. Jay has been
out of town for the past
six weeks.
10
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,298
And she's coming
home tonight.
11
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:35,303
I keep having this
recurring dream.
It's more like a nightmare.
12
00:00:35,336 --> 00:00:37,206
Why don't you tell me
about it, Michael?
13
00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:40,308
Okay, I'm walking down
this sandy beach,
and all of a sudden,
14
00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:43,381
this giant whale
jumps out the water
and starts chasing me.
15
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,451
By any chance,
was this a sperm whale?
16
00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:47,620
No.
17
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:51,788
Damn! 'Cause I know
what that means.
18
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:54,119
Anyway, I'm running
and running away
from this whale,
19
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:56,085
and all of a sudden
it swallows me up,
20
00:00:56,124 --> 00:00:58,294
and inside is Jay
and she's cooking,
21
00:00:58,326 --> 00:00:59,786
right there
inside the whale.
22
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:01,127
Classic dream.
23
00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:06,199
Okay, Michael, you see,
the whale represents
Jay's mother,
24
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,404
and you're afraid that
while Jay has been away
25
00:01:08,436 --> 00:01:11,206
her mother has
swallowed her up.
26
00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:14,479
See, your fear
is that she's no longer
the woman she was
27
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,338
when she left
six weeks ago.
28
00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:19,347
Wow. That's brilliant.
29
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:20,810
Yeah, the whale,
and the mother...
30
00:01:20,848 --> 00:01:22,318
'Cause I've always seen
her mother like that.
31
00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:27,392
It's outlined
in my book, Michael.
Chapter nine.
32
00:01:28,889 --> 00:01:32,389
It's not a nightmare.
You're just married.
33
00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,196
I mean, you know,
in the whole 16 years
we've been married,
34
00:01:35,229 --> 00:01:37,329
I've never felt
this kind of anxiety.
35
00:01:37,365 --> 00:01:38,665
I mean, what should I do?
36
00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:39,829
You relax.
37
00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:42,437
See, naturally
you're going to feel
anxiety, Michael.
38
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,840
And your fear is that
you're out of control.
39
00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:47,342
The answer is that
you take control.
40
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,175
Take control.
41
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:49,839
Mmm, take control.
Grab the reins.
42
00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:51,177
That's it, hold on tight.
43
00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:52,182
I'm in control!
44
00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:55,380
That's it! Be Janet!
Be in control! Yeah!
45
00:01:56,517 --> 00:01:57,747
I like that.
You see?
46
00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,415
All right.
You take control
47
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,763
and you set a romantic
evening for the night.
48
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:04,729
You light some candles,
you put on some music.
49
00:02:04,758 --> 00:02:06,658
Send the kids away
for the night.
50
00:02:08,796 --> 00:02:10,326
Put that on ice.
51
00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,800
Hey, baby!
52
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,367
(SCREAMING)
I missed you!
53
00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:19,406
Guess who's home.
54
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:20,710
I missed you!
55
00:02:20,741 --> 00:02:21,841
(SCREAMING)
56
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:23,883
(GRUNTING)
57
00:02:23,911 --> 00:02:25,481
Sorry, baby.
You all right?
58
00:02:25,513 --> 00:02:27,323
Yeah, I'm cool.
I'm cool.
59
00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:31,788
Get away from the chair
and give me a big hug.
Give me hug!
60
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:37,886
Oh, God,
I missed you so much!
61
00:02:37,925 --> 00:02:41,595
I missed you, too,
and there's
so much to miss.
62
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:43,633
What do you mean?
63
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,774
You just fill up
the room.
64
00:02:45,799 --> 00:02:47,369
Thank you.
Wow.
65
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:50,441
(SNIFFS) Ooh!
What smells so good.
66
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,371
(LAUGHS) That would
be me.
67
00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:53,906
No, I smell gravy.
68
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:58,347
Well, I made some
chicken dumplings
for the kids
69
00:02:58,379 --> 00:03:00,349
before I sent them
out to the movies.
70
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:02,251
So we're all alone?
Yeah.
71
00:03:02,250 --> 00:03:05,320
Oh, baby, how romantic.
72
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,263
You got any biscuits left?
73
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:10,356
I see... Yeah,
there's biscuits.
74
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:16,926
Uh, there's all
kinds of leftovers.
You know, if, uh...
75
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,374
Didn't you eat
on the plane?
76
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:21,299
Baby, the plane
was great.
77
00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:25,665
Babe, some fool
fell asleep next to me,
left his lasagna.
78
00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:27,376
(LAUGHS)
79
00:03:27,408 --> 00:03:30,608
I tore that lasagna up.
It was good, too!
80
00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:36,848
You sure everybody
didn't fall asleep?
81
00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,020
No.
I mean, you know...
82
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,985
Being a night flight
and all.
83
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,294
Oh, yeah. No.
84
00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:48,664
So how's your mom?
85
00:03:48,696 --> 00:03:50,396
Please, you know
how my mother is.
86
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,901
She had me cooking
for her all the time.
87
00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:55,343
Her answer to
everything is just food.
88
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:56,969
You must have had
a million questions.
89
00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:02,677
Wait a minute.
We are in this
big old house
90
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,780
all by ourselves,
aren't we?
91
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,852
It ain't that big
anymore, but...
92
00:04:08,716 --> 00:04:13,386
It's just us.
Just you and me.
93
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,321
So are you thinking
what I'm thinking?
94
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:16,989
Mmm-hmm.
95
00:04:17,024 --> 00:04:18,334
Let's eat.
96
00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:32,942
Jay?
97
00:04:32,973 --> 00:04:36,743
JAY: I'm in the bathroom.
Check out my
Victoria's Secret.
98
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,651
Damn!
I didn't know Victoria
had a secret this big.
99
00:04:49,089 --> 00:04:50,959
JAY: Here I come.
100
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,691
Okay, I'm ready.
101
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:55,732
(CHUCKLING)
102
00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:58,570
(SIGHING)
103
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:01,944
Ooh!
104
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:09,006
Mmm, you don't waste
much time, do you?
105
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,382
I sure don't.
106
00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:12,011
(LAUGHING)
107
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:14,005
Hold on a second.
Okay.
108
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:15,917
(SIGHS)
109
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:16,979
I missed you
so much.
110
00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:18,687
I missed you, too.
111
00:05:18,719 --> 00:05:19,719
(KISSING)
112
00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,058
Hold on. Hold on.
113
00:05:23,090 --> 00:05:24,790
What? What's wrong?
114
00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,631
I'm... I'm not sure.
115
00:05:29,663 --> 00:05:32,403
(SCOFFS) I know
exactly what it is.
116
00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:34,601
You do?
117
00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:36,965
I don't have to say it?
118
00:05:37,004 --> 00:05:39,914
No. It's
the wait, right?
119
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:44,040
Yes, the weight, Jay,
I swear, I wish
I didn't have to...
120
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:45,507
(SIGHING)
121
00:05:45,546 --> 00:05:47,846
I mean, I wanted to say
something as soon as
you walked in the door.
122
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,781
Baby, baby, a couple
can't wait six weeks
123
00:05:50,818 --> 00:05:52,948
without putting pressure
on themselves, right?
124
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,562
Oh, that wait.
125
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,963
Listen to me.
126
00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:06,025
You just relax,
there's no pressure, okay?
127
00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:08,096
We have the rest of
our lives to make love.
128
00:06:08,135 --> 00:06:11,065
Well, look, Moby...
I mean, maybe
we should, uh...
129
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:16,641
Maybe we should cuddle.
Let's cuddle.
Oh!
130
00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:19,807
What man doesn't love that
after two months of nothing?
131
00:06:20,881 --> 00:06:22,121
You're so sweet.
132
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:27,686
Uh, baby...
Mmm-hmm?
133
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,661
Could you get up?
I can't feel my arm.
134
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:38,704
MICHAEL: She gained weight!
She's fat!
135
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:42,872
She left with an ass
like J-Lo and came back
with one like Jell-O.
136
00:06:45,773 --> 00:06:48,683
Mike, do you
love your wife?
137
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:50,779
Of course I do.
I wouldn't be here
if I didn't.
138
00:06:50,811 --> 00:06:53,611
Then you have to look
beyond her weight.
139
00:06:53,647 --> 00:06:55,877
This is a very
serious problem, Michael.
140
00:06:55,916 --> 00:06:59,086
Marriages have broken up
over far less than this.
141
00:06:59,119 --> 00:07:01,519
Well, so what do I do?
Help me out.
142
00:07:01,555 --> 00:07:04,825
Here's a tool.
When you find yourself
focusing on her size,
143
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:05,988
change your focus.
144
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:07,126
Change my focus.
145
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:10,500
Look into her eyes.
146
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,631
Yeah, eyes don't
get fat, do they?
147
00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,166
Mmm-mmm.
148
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:16,871
There are plenty of people
out there who are in love
with their partners
149
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:17,874
and they're not
attracted to them.
150
00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:21,005
But I am attracted to her.
I just can't find her.
151
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:27,007
Michael, why is this such
a big problem for you?
152
00:07:27,047 --> 00:07:29,747
Because, Doc,
for the first time
in our marriage,
153
00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,523
I can't perform.
154
00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,549
Ah-ha!
155
00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:38,533
You suffer from
erectile dysfunction.
156
00:07:40,561 --> 00:07:43,601
No, she suffered from
erectile dysfunction.
157
00:07:45,633 --> 00:07:46,803
Did you try fantasizing?
158
00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:50,944
Yeah, I tried fantasizing.
I pretended
she was Halle Berry.
159
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:52,571
How'd that work?
I kept thinking,
160
00:07:52,606 --> 00:07:53,936
"Halle got berry fat."
161
00:07:57,578 --> 00:08:01,848
You know what, Michael?
You need Big Blue. Viagra.
162
00:08:01,882 --> 00:08:04,282
I ain't taking that stuff.
That's for old folks.
163
00:08:04,317 --> 00:08:07,617
Michael, women don't care
how cars were built, man.
164
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:10,815
Just as long as it
gets them from point
"A" to point "Oh, yeah!"
165
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,804
I'll tell you what
I'm going to do now.
166
00:08:15,829 --> 00:08:17,969
I got some samples here,
all right?
167
00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:19,628
Now I want you to put
these in your pocket,
168
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:22,567
and if you
change your mind,
take one.
169
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:26,943
And in 26 to 48 minutes,
you'll get results.
170
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:29,014
You got this thing
timed up pretty well, huh?
171
00:08:29,042 --> 00:08:30,782
Mmm-hmm.
172
00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:33,311
I like to plan it
so it happens
around half-time.
173
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,946
The team's in
the locker room,
but I'm scoring.
174
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,592
Okay, I'll try it,
but this ain't what
I signed up for.
175
00:08:47,695 --> 00:08:49,995
You had a burger today.
176
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,970
With mustard.
And when did you start
eating rye bread?
177
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:56,670
Wow, you're better
than one of them dogs
at the airport.
178
00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,774
Come on, baby.
Let's go to bed.
179
00:08:58,806 --> 00:09:01,736
I'm going
to eat you alive.
180
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,805
Please, don't.
181
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,746
Babe...
Huh?
182
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,881
What do you think
about my nightgown?
183
00:09:09,917 --> 00:09:13,017
You look like a big pretty
bottle of Pepto Bismol.
184
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:16,955
Will you stop it? Come on.
185
00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,260
(BED CREAKING)
186
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:30,636
Got room for one more.
187
00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,641
You sure?
188
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:35,314
I'm going to go wash
this burger smell off.
189
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,752
No, don't! I like it.
190
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,250
Okay, let me just
turn out the light.
191
00:09:41,281 --> 00:09:42,781
Okay.
Be right back.
192
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:45,988
Help.
193
00:09:47,655 --> 00:09:49,655
Okay.
194
00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:50,987
Over the mountains,
and through the gums,
195
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,864
look out Johnson,
here it comes.
196
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:03,899
Vanessa, girl,
I'm telling you.
He was an animal, okay?
197
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:09,407
And, of course, I was
in denial about the weight
I put on in California,
198
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:11,242
and I was just about
to do something about it,
199
00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:13,178
but then my
husband showed me
200
00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,653
that he loves me no
matter how I look. Okay?
201
00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:17,793
I got myself
a Stedman, girl.
202
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:19,688
Yes, I do.
203
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:20,920
Oh, here comes
marathon man now.
204
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,194
I got to go.
Talk to you later.
205
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:25,763
Hey, big boy.
206
00:10:25,793 --> 00:10:27,363
Hey, big girl.
207
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,704
(LAUGHS)
208
00:10:30,230 --> 00:10:33,400
Oh, babe, I made you
a nice big breakfast
209
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,443
to help you get
your strength back.
210
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:37,168
Mmm.
211
00:10:37,204 --> 00:10:39,814
Honey, (CLICKS TONGUE)
last night you made me feel
212
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:42,680
like the most
beautiful woman
in the world.
213
00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:45,850
And, you know what?
I've come to a decision.
214
00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:46,979
And what's that?
215
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:48,254
Babe, I don't know
if you've noticed,
216
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,281
but, I think I put
on a few pounds.
217
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,287
No.
Yeah.
218
00:10:52,319 --> 00:10:53,319
I didn't even notice.
219
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:54,393
No, just a little bit.
220
00:10:54,421 --> 00:10:55,521
Stand up. Let me see.
221
00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:57,985
No, you know what?
It might be like,
two or three.
222
00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,225
If that.
223
00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,455
But, you know,
if it bothers you,
224
00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:04,966
then maybe you
want to join this gym
225
00:11:04,998 --> 00:11:07,228
that I signed you up for.
226
00:11:07,267 --> 00:11:09,237
All you got to do
is sign right here.
227
00:11:09,269 --> 00:11:11,839
And look,
there's a spin class
in about a half hour.
228
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:12,972
If you hurry,
you can make it.
229
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,806
Baby, no,
save your money.
230
00:11:15,843 --> 00:11:19,383
Honey,
the way you responded
to me last night,
231
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:21,922
it made me feel
so wanted and loved.
232
00:11:21,949 --> 00:11:24,889
It was liberating.
It changed my life.
233
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,318
Really, how?
234
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,323
It is so hard to
be a career woman
and a good mother
235
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,486
and still find
time to exercise.
236
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:33,334
Babe, this is a relief.
237
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,900
So I've decided that
I'm going to stay big
and beautiful,
238
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,400
just the way
you like me.
239
00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:40,769
Oh, lucky me.
240
00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:50,306
Hey, baby,
what you watching?
241
00:11:50,343 --> 00:11:52,313
(GRUNTS)
242
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:55,245
My family jewels disappear,
that's what I'm watching.
243
00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:57,516
What? What do you mean?
244
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:58,820
Baby, could you...
Get up!
245
00:11:58,852 --> 00:11:59,822
What?
246
00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:04,123
Here. I think I got
nerve damage in my leg.
247
00:12:04,157 --> 00:12:05,357
What is up with that?
248
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:08,202
Look, Jay, I don't
think you should be
eating ice cream
249
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,328
(EXCLAIMS)
all day long.
250
00:12:09,362 --> 00:12:11,162
Okay? You're
gaining weight.
251
00:12:11,198 --> 00:12:12,928
Are you trying
to say I'm fat?
252
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,866
No... Yeah.
253
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,242
Yeah, I'm saying
that you've gained
a lot of weight,
254
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,870
and you're in denial
ever since
you've come home.
255
00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:21,067
What are you trying
to say, Michael?
256
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:24,848
Jay, I'm just saying
that you've gone past
Chubby Avenue
257
00:12:26,346 --> 00:12:29,916
and you've missed
the Oprah off-ramp,
258
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:34,190
and now you're lost
somewhere on
Nell Carter Avenue.
259
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:36,821
I do not find that
amusing, Michael.
260
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:38,157
Come on,
Nell Carter Avenue
is funny.
261
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:39,261
That's not amusing.
262
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:40,292
Yeah, Gimme a Break!
263
00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:44,097
(SINGS GIMME A BREAK! THEME)
264
00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:45,431
Come on, Jay.
I'm just trying
to make you laugh.
265
00:12:45,465 --> 00:12:48,565
We promised each
other we were gonna
laugh about everything.
266
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:51,141
Remember when I lost my hair?
You had all the jokes.
267
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:55,411
I was Sherman Hemsley,
you know? I was Mr. Clean
and Kojak.
268
00:12:55,442 --> 00:12:57,852
Remember this?
You said I was the
roll-on deodorant.
269
00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,408
I was rolling on.
270
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,346
It's funnier when
it's you, Michael.
271
00:13:01,381 --> 00:13:03,121
Well, we got to laugh
about you, Jay,
272
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:04,850
or you got to do
something about it.
273
00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,292
Because your
being overweight
274
00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:08,189
is a choice right now,
and it's affecting us.
275
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:11,421
Oh, it's a choice.
What makes you such
an expert, Michael?
276
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,558
Because when you
and I go to bed,
277
00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,433
it shouldn't be
a menage a trois.
278
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,470
Uh-huh.
279
00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:19,498
That's enough.
That's enough.
280
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:23,272
You have no idea
how shallow you
sound right now.
281
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,413
You should accept me for
who I am the way I am.
282
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:31,008
It's hard to accept you
for who you are because
I know the way you were.
283
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:31,984
Look, Dr. Bouche said...
284
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:35,952
Whoa, wait, wait, wait,
whoa. Dr. Bouche?
285
00:13:35,983 --> 00:13:37,523
Yeah, I went to see
him about this.
286
00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,320
Without me?
287
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:41,192
Yeah, I mean,
I was having anxiety.
I had this dream...
288
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,991
Yes, and you found
me so disgusting,
289
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:45,634
that it drove you
to the one person
290
00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,528
that you hate more
than anybody else
on this earth.
291
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,600
I did not
say "disgusting."
292
00:13:49,629 --> 00:13:50,999
Conversation over.
293
00:13:52,132 --> 00:13:54,572
Jay, come on.
294
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,971
I'm glad you're gonna
be the bigger person.
295
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,921
Jay...
Michael,
296
00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:14,123
I'm warning you.
I'm at my fighting weight.
297
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:17,024
You say one more word
about my weight
and we're fighting.
298
00:14:18,325 --> 00:14:20,185
Look, if I hurt you,
I'm sorry.
299
00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:22,027
Yeah, sorry you're
married to me.
300
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:25,032
Come on,
stop talking silly.
301
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,935
Look, Jay,
the thing is you've
managed to stay in shape
302
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,965
through all the years
of our marriage.
303
00:14:30,003 --> 00:14:34,013
I mean, Jay, you staying
in shape motivated
me to stay in shape.
304
00:14:34,041 --> 00:14:38,051
I would love to sit around
drinking beer and getting
a big gut, but I don't.
305
00:14:38,078 --> 00:14:41,278
I work out real hard
'cause I want to look good
for my baby.
306
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,484
I want us to be lovers
for the rest of our lives.
307
00:14:43,516 --> 00:14:47,956
I do too, Michael,
but I don't think that should
depend on the way I look.
308
00:14:47,988 --> 00:14:50,618
Michael, we got married
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
309
00:14:50,657 --> 00:14:53,057
for skinny, for fatter.
310
00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:55,633
Now, see,
you're rewriting the vows.
I don't remember that.
311
00:14:55,662 --> 00:14:59,032
I do. It was right
before the cake.
312
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:01,566
Come on, Jay,
what if I gained 50 pounds?
313
00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:03,141
Would you still
be attracted to me?
314
00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:04,470
Yes!
315
00:15:04,504 --> 00:15:06,074
As little as my head is,
I'd look like Beetlejuice.
316
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,006
(LAUGHING)
317
00:15:09,076 --> 00:15:12,106
I would love you
the same way if you
gained 500 pounds.
318
00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:14,445
Michael, I fell in
love with your heart.
319
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,122
Really?
320
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,150
Yes.
Okay, you know what?
321
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:21,616
If you want to eat,
then I'm gonna eat, too.
322
00:15:21,654 --> 00:15:25,164
And we'll both just
grow old and round
together, okay?
323
00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:26,732
Really?
Yeah. Bring the
ice cream here.
324
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,199
Oh.
325
00:15:28,228 --> 00:15:30,128
You mean it?
Mmm-hmm.
326
00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:32,273
You will really, really,
really grow old and
big with me?
327
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,499
Mmm-hmm. I'll have to
reinforce my knee.
328
00:15:37,137 --> 00:15:38,207
(LAUGHS)
329
00:15:38,238 --> 00:15:40,538
What's the worst
that could happen, huh?
330
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,550
(THUMPING)
331
00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,663
Whoa! Boy, those stairs
are killing me.
332
00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:59,488
(PANTING) My thighs
are on fire from
rubbing together.
333
00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:03,496
We need to get a
freight elevator
or something.
334
00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:07,200
Don't tell Kady that I
got hungry and I ate her
goldfish on the way down.
335
00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,668
Oh, baby, no, not again.
336
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:12,542
Uh-huh, I get hungry.
337
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,742
Maybe next time
we'll just get
her a puppy.
338
00:16:14,774 --> 00:16:16,514
Mmm, a puppy!
339
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:18,750
Stop it.
340
00:16:19,746 --> 00:16:21,046
Some barbecue sauce.
341
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,751
Would you stop it?
342
00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:25,592
(GROANS) I think it's time
to wake the kids, Michael.
343
00:16:25,618 --> 00:16:27,688
Oh, I'll do it.
Here, hand me that bacon.
344
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:30,460
(LAUGHING)
I love to do this.
345
00:16:30,490 --> 00:16:33,190
Oh, watch this.
I call this
the pork alarm.
346
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,461
(SQUEALING)
347
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,441
(THUMPING)
348
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,539
Here they come.
Here they come.
349
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,751
(GRUNTING)
350
00:16:52,779 --> 00:16:54,149
Good morning,
children.
351
00:16:54,181 --> 00:16:55,481
Good morning, Dad.
352
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,085
Oh, Junior,
you're looking
wonderful today.
353
00:16:58,118 --> 00:16:59,688
Is that another chin
I see coming in?
354
00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:02,419
Yes, sir, I gained five
pounds this morning.
355
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:08,661
Great. It's gonna be
a while before you get
some of these, though.
356
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:11,095
And how's my little
fatty patty?
357
00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,571
Hungry.
358
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:16,470
Do you want to play?
You want to play?
You want to play?
359
00:17:16,503 --> 00:17:18,713
You want to play?
You go ahead.
360
00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,336
(EXCLAIMS)
361
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,105
No more, greedy.
Get away.
362
00:17:25,578 --> 00:17:28,518
Ooh, look, I had
my navel pierced.
363
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,518
Let me see.
364
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,190
I don't know where it is!
365
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:34,149
Well, I don't know,
but there's the phone.
366
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:38,787
Michael, Michael.
What?
367
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,585
Baby, this is awful.
Look at them. They're huge.
368
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,828
Yeah, they're huge,
but they're happy.
369
00:17:43,863 --> 00:17:45,803
That's right.
We're celebrating
our weight.
370
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:48,702
That's right.
Thanks, Mom, for setting
such a great example.
371
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:52,635
Yes, you did. Yes, you did.
You set the best example ever.
372
00:17:54,774 --> 00:17:56,784
Let's all...
Don't you eat
that food yet.
373
00:17:58,878 --> 00:18:02,848
Let's all hold hands
and quietly give thanks
374
00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:07,152
for this 40 pounds
of food we're about
to scarf down. Okay.
375
00:18:07,187 --> 00:18:08,557
(ALL GRUNTING)
376
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:14,590
All right, let's eat.
377
00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:21,627
Don't take it all, greedy.
Don't take it all, greedy.
378
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,740
You save me some.
379
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:27,511
You all don't eat so fast.
380
00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,380
It'll speed up
your metabolism.
381
00:18:31,411 --> 00:18:32,581
I'll bite you.
382
00:18:35,915 --> 00:18:38,385
Try to do it again.
383
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:41,348
Stop it! Stop it!
Just stop it!
384
00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:42,418
They started.
385
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,515
JAY: Stop, all right?
386
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:46,426
You know what?
This can't be healthy.
387
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:49,899
Michael, I think
we need to go on a diet.
This can't be healthy!
388
00:18:49,929 --> 00:18:52,569
Oh! Healthy-smealthy.
389
00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,939
What do you want us to be?
One of them body-conscious,
anorexic families,
390
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,498
like the girl here
in this picture?
391
00:18:57,537 --> 00:18:59,407
No!
(SCREAMING)
392
00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:00,609
No, no! Don't!
393
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,610
You like that?
Look, look, look.
394
00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,642
(SCREAMING)
395
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:06,677
Wait a minute,
wait a minute,
where's Kady?
396
00:19:06,713 --> 00:19:07,853
Oh, here she
comes right now.
397
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:12,290
Feed me, feed me, feed me.
398
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:17,957
Oh, my God. My baby.
399
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,660
COME ON, GET ON
DADDY'S LAP.
400
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:21,692
COME ON, BABY.
COME ON ON DADDY'S LAP.
401
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:22,958
BABY, YOU OKAY?
402
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,295
(MUMBLING)
HERE YOU GO, EAT SOMETHING.
403
00:19:25,898 --> 00:19:29,938
HERE YOU GO.
YEAH, THAT DID IT.
404
00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:31,239
EAT SOME MORE.
(MUMBLING)
405
00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:40,912
(GASPS)
406
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:42,784
(EXCLAIMS)
407
00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:45,791
Michael, baby, wake up.
408
00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,348
(GASPING) My ice cream!
I got to get ice cream.
409
00:19:47,387 --> 00:19:49,457
No, no. Don't, no.
410
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:51,289
No more ice cream.
No more ice cream, baby.
411
00:19:51,324 --> 00:19:53,834
I'm starting my diet,
right now.
412
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,830
What changed your mind?
413
00:19:55,862 --> 00:19:59,302
(SIGHING) Baby, I had
the worst nightmare.
You all were big.
414
00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:02,402
You and the kids were huge,
and you were all breathing
like this...
415
00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:04,965
(GRUNTING)
416
00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:08,944
Babe, I made a decision.
I'm going to do something
about my weight.
417
00:20:08,975 --> 00:20:12,345
And you,
I want you to stay
just the way you are.
418
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:14,410
Sweetie.
419
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:15,447
I mean it.
420
00:20:15,482 --> 00:20:17,482
Give me some sugar.
421
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:19,817
Okay. You can have it all.
422
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:30,258
No more?
423
00:20:46,779 --> 00:20:47,749
Hey.
424
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:58,762
I decided that I'm
gonna stay... Damn!
425
00:21:02,562 --> 00:21:03,802
My bad.
426
00:21:03,830 --> 00:21:06,700
Remember this?
I was the roll-on deodorant.
427
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:10,399
Okay.
428
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,380
I put on deodorant, man.
29687
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