Original subtitles

MICHAEL: Last time on My Wife and Kids...

Mom never made us do calisthenics.

Yeah, well, your mom is out of town for six weeks,

so I got time to whip your little butts into shape. Come on, let's go.

Junior! What's up, Dad?

I need you to go get the truck.

I'm about to have this baby.

"If the stick is blue, the results are positive."

Uh-oh.

Please don't tell her parents.

I have to.

Can I get you guys anything else?

No, man. We ain't gonna disrespect your house like that.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, John, why don't we teach Junior that game?

Which game?

Come on, man, you know. "Don't let me see it."

What's that? (CHUCKLING) Oh.

Oh, yeah, you are gonna like this, Junior.

Anybody could play. Even you.

It's a good game, man.

How do you play?

See I got these chips, right? JUNIOR: Mmm-hmm.

You take them from me and say, "Don't let me see it."

And they're yours. Oh.

Don't let me see it.

(BOYS CHUCKLING) Like that?

Yeah. Yeah. You're quick, man.

Hey, what's that over there?

Oh, oh, oh. That's the sculpture my dad got for my mom.

It's made by some famous guy. So, it's really expensive. Wow.

All right. Don't let me see it.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

(BOYS TEASING) Oh, come on.

BOY: Hey, he got you man.

That's not mine.

This game don't know from mine.

All it knows is that you was holding it and I got it now.

That's how we play, yo.

You ain't gonna act like that, are you?

(SIGHS) No, no. It's just that... That was my father's.

Was. Was.

(BOYS CHUCKLING)

All right. Look, look.

How about I give you my cell phone, okay?

Ah, don't let me see it.

(BOYS LAUGHING) Come on.

(SCOFFS) Come on, guys.

Hey, what's up, fellas?

Hey, what's up, Mr. Kyle?

(MUMBLING) You tell me what...

(LAUGHING)

(WHOOPING)

Hey, that's a nice ring you got there.

Yep. State Championship, MVP ring.

Get out of here.

Solid gold, brother.

It looks heavy. Don't let me see it.

(LAUGHING)

What's up with that, Mr. Kyle? You wasn't even playing.

But the game don't know from who's playing or not.

You said anybody could play, right?

Oh, no, it's not that, it's just...

That was mine. You know what I'm saying?

(LAUGHING) Was. Was.

Come on, Mr. Kyle, that's special to me.

So is that sculpture in your pocket. That's special to me.

All right. How about this?

How about I trade you this...

Don't let me see it.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is a great game. Come on, Mr. Kyle.

All right, fellas. I think it's time for y'all to hit the road, come on.

Let the door knob hit you where the Good Lord split you.

(LAUGHING) Don't let me see it.

(EXCLAIMING)

What's the matter, John, you got a problem?

No.

(LAUGHS)

What are you smiling at? They're clowning you.

Oh, no, they're not. They just like having fun.

Yeah? At whose expense?

Look at my house, it is a wreck.

What's the big deal, Dad? Listen, I'll clean it up.

The big deal is that it's my son in my house that they disrespected.

And maybe you're fine with that,

but I don't like seeing my son being punked.

I'm not being punked.

Oh, really?

Well, let's call your mother and see what she has to say about it.

Let me hold your cell phone.

(STAMMERS)

It's not there, huh, punk? What's there to find?

Stolen?

Uh-huh. Here, punked punk.

Go see if you can get it back with that.

Thanks.

(DOOR OPENS)

Wow. For a second I thought you was your mother.

And then the closer you got, you started looking like your grandma.

Somebody's gotta be the mommy around here.

You're right about that. I'm glad it's not Junior.

Hey, sit down.

I wanna finish telling you the story about the day you were born.

I don't have to eat any more cookies, do I?

No, I use those as paper weights.

Where was I?

We were on our way to the hospital.

On our way to the hospital. Okay. So...

Push. That's it. That's it.

(BREATHING RAPIDLY)

I think I see the head. Oh!

(EXCLAIMING) Sorry.

(PANTING) How much longer is it gonna take, Doc?

Well, uh, you know, honestly, Mr. Kyle, it's gonna take a long, long while.

Why?

Well, there's just no place for the baby to come out.

I guess I didn't think this all the way through, huh?

Well, there's only one thing to do in this situation.

Gonna have to do a B-section.

All right. Flip him over.

That's not true. Mommy already told me I came out of her china.

That was the good china too.

But you know what? I'm just trying to make it more entertaining.

Add some comedy. Get a few laughs. Apparently I'm failing.

You said it, not me.

But you know what? There was something wrong when you were born.

What?

Well, you didn't really take to me right away.

(BABY CRYING)

MICHAEL: I tried everything to make you laugh.

(HUSHING) Look, look. And nothing worked.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Okay, here...

(MUMBLING)

(EXCLAIMING) Okay.

(BARKING SOFTLY)

Here, doggie.

(BARKING) Okay. Adios, stupid dog!

(MUMBLING)

Mommy just went to the store.

(SIGHING)

(CRYING)

TAKE IT, BABY.

TAKE IT, BABY. OUCH!

Something was wrong. What?

Well, the baby didn't have those sparkling eyes you have.

Or that sweet, sweet smile you have.

But it did have something you didn't have.

And I really didn't hit me until it hit me.

(BABY COOING) It's Daddy's little girl!

I was a boy?

Well, obviously the hospital made a mistake.

They gave us the wrong baby.

Where was I?

I didn't know.

So, I started to search.

And I told myself I wouldn't eat or sleep

until I found my little girl.

But then I took a nap,

because that's what happens when you're really determined,

you get tired.

But after I woke up, I had a turkey sandwich and then I went out

and I said, "Eventually, if I keep looking,

"I'm gonna find my little angel."

Of course, I made a few wrong turns along the way.

Yes?

You wouldn't happen to have a maid, would you?

Finally, I knocked on the right door.

And it's good thing, because there was a baby out there

who was just as unhappy as the one I was holding.

(BABY CRYING)

Baby, please stop crying.

You want Daddy to dance like them big-butt girls in the video?

Please stop crying.

Stop crying. Please.

Stop crying. Look, look.

Look, I'm smiling like your mama.

Stop crying. You wanna go for a ride? Please, I'll do anything.

Please, stop. Look, we're gonna go for a ride.

(IMITATING CAR ENGINE)

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

Please! Come on, stop crying. Stupid. Shut up!

Here, here, here. How about a teething ring?

I got it. I got it. You wanna watch Kazaam.

How about I make a free throw?

Kobe gives me the ball. You know Kobe don't like to pass.

But Kobe gives me the ball anyway, and then Daddy...

And Daddy gonna shoot it!

(LAUGHING)

Shut up.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Take your mama's teat out.

Are you Shaquille O'Neal?

Nobody's ever asked me that before.

That's probably a stupid question.

Listen, I'm having a lot of trouble with this baby.

You know what? So am I.

I'll trade you.

I give you this baby and another baby to be named at a later date for that one.

Deal.

Thanks.

Hey, you want his mama's teat?

They come with the package.

Might as well.

By the way, with your free throws, you wanna bend your knees...

Oh, shut the hell up.

And will you stop doing this when you come...

And stay out!

And that's the story of the day you were born.

And Shaq got his little boy back?

Yeah, I gave up courtside seats for you.

For real? Mmm-hmm.

Now, come on, let's go put some beads in your hair

and get you on that tennis court.

(RESPECT PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

(SINGING)

Dad.

Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

(MUSIC STOPS) What? What? What?

Just having a little fun here, man.

What the hell is going on?

Yo, your room is the bomb-diggity-boo-boo-boo.

Yo, I didn't think your new sneakers would fit me.

And then I smashed down the backs.

Yo, it's like Jordan sandals.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you got some email from some girl with some really big boobs.

MEN: Ooh!

How do you know they're big?

Man, I asked her.

Told her to stop sending him nasty pictures of them big boobs.

'Cause Junior only likes the little ones.

You guys are messing with all my stuff.

Yeah, and good stuff it is. Look at this, you found these Playboy magazines.

They were up in the ceiling. That's a good place to hide them.

I would have never found them if I wasn't jumping up and down on the bed.

All right, Dad. Enough.

No, no, no. We just sent out for some turkey dogs and soy milk.

We're gonna get down.

Okay, Dad. I get it!

I get your point. Now, can you guys get out?

That's what I wanted to hear you say.

All right, fellas, we gotta go.

MEN: Aw!

We're having so much fun.

All right, then, let's help Junior clean his room up.

No. No.

It was cool, bro.

(MEN MUTTERING)

Kids, huh?

(SIGHING)

I wish I could hang out, Son, but I gotta go with the fellas.

You know, I got the hand thing I gotta work at.

Did you ever get your stuff back from your friends?

Yeah. Thanks.

Look, Junior.

Sooner or later, you're gonna have to put your foot down and take a stand. Okay?

Because these guys are just gonna take and take

until you can't take it no more.

I still think you're wrong.

Okay. Fine.

You don't want that.

You can't run away from home, Charmaine.

Okay, I don't have that many options.

Did you talk to David? It's his baby, too.

You know, he's just as scared as I am.

Did you even try talking to your parents?

Please, Claire, okay?

My father would kill me and my mother would absolutely freak.

Girl, you are the only one I can talk to.

Yeah, and I gotta be home by 8:00.

I wanna run away but I only have $16.

No. You've got six. You owe me ten for that pregnancy test.

What am I gonna do?

Okay. I know this sounds really stupid.

I mean, really stupid.

But here's what I think you should do.

What?

Talk to my father.

(LAUGHING) That's funny.

I said it was gonna sound stupid. But it's the truth.

Claire, your father? Not your mom?

No, my mother would beat you with a stick.

But as much as I hate to admit it, my dad's a pretty cool guy.

Really? Really.

Weird, huh?

WHAT?

CAN YOU DRIVE?

NO.

EXCUSE ME.

(CHEERING ON TV)

(SWITCHING OFF TV)

What's the matter?

You lied.

About what?

Junior told me he can't drive.

Maybe everything you say is a lie, Michael Richard Kyle.

Kady Melissa Jane Spilkin Kyle, you sound like your mother.

Look, I was just trying to get you out of that bad mood you were in.

You know, take your mind off your mommy.

So? You still lied.

Well, the truth wasn't that interesting.

Come here. I'll tell you what really happened.

Okay.

MICHAEL: Actually, your birth was really quick and really easy.

(SNEEZING)

(BABY COOING) That was a relief.

I'm hungry. You wanna go get something to eat?

Okay. Maybe not that easy, but it was easy.

The truth?

The truth is you didn't really seem to like me right away.

I mean, you would cry whenever I held you.

You preferred your mother to me.

It started the first time she fed you.

(CRYING)

(COOING)

Here, you got it. Come on.

(CRYING)

(MICHAEL LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

(STOPS CRYING)

JAY: It's okay.

And you've always been a mommy's girl.

And I know it sounds silly and not very grown up,

but it really makes me sad

to know that I can't make you happy while your mom's gone.

'Cause the truth is, Kady,

I've been trying to win your heart ever since you were born.

Keep trying, baldy.

Look, I realize these things happen. It's human.

And it doesn't make you a bad person.

Thank you.

If it happened to you, you'd be a bad person.

What do you think I should do?

A couple of things.

First of all, get rid of that stupid notion of running away.

You don't have a job, you don't have money,

you don't even have a place to stay.

And secondly, talk to your parents.

No, they'll kill me.

No, they won't.

If either of them raises a hand to you,

you just hold your stomach and go, "The baby! The baby!"

(CHUCKLES) See, the bottom line is,

you gotta ask yourself, "Do my parents really love me?"

Yes.

Okay, then talk to them.

It's at times like these

that they step up and they show you what they're made of.

I guess you're right.

The last thing you gotta do, Charmaine, talk to your boyfriend.

He's gotta talk to his parents.

And then maybe all of y'all can get together and work this out.

I mean, it's not the end of the world, you know.

I know.

I mean, you could choose to look at this as a blessing.

I mean, that's up to you.

I personally believe that every child is a gift.

I told you he was good.

Yeah.

Well, um, I better get on with it.

I'll go get your purse.

Thank you, Mr. Kyle. I didn't think anybody your age would understand.

Well, I'm speaking from experience, Charmaine.

What do you mean?

The same thing happened to me and my wife.

Jay got pregnant when she was 16 years old.

It was a huge responsibility that we were facing,

and we were both kids ourselves.

What did you do?

We had a son.

And it's a decision I've never regretted a day in my life.

(BOYS CHATTERING)

Hey, Dad.

Till just now.

Hold up. What's up with that haircut, man?

Hey, look at the back, it's all jacked up.

The line all messed up. Yeah.

This looks and feels just like a new basketball, you know what I mean?

Hey, Junior. Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Claire. What's up?

What's up? Sure like to pound that.

JUNIOR: Hey, hey.

That's my sister.

How can someone as ugly as you be related to someone as fine as that?

So, what's up with her?

What's up with her? She's 14.

So? Hook me up.

Look, I'm not playing. Lay off my sister, all right?

Hey, what's up?

I don't know, you tell...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Go upstairs and wash that glitter stuff off.

And put on a trench coat.

Look, man, it's one thing to come in my house, playing my video games

and drinking my juice.

But nobody disrespects my baby sister.

It's time to go. All of you.

Come on, man. What's up with all the hostility? I thought we was boys.

Yeah, you know, I mean, she's bound to date sometime.

Why not let it be one of us?

All right, let's go.

(SCOFFS) Hold on, man, I'm 6'5".

And I'm gonna beat you till you're 5'3".

All right. All right, killer.

We're leaving. We know when we ain't wanted.

Oh.

And one more thing.

Don't forget my soy milk. I need it.

You think you can just boss me around for soy milk?

You going to drink latte just like everybody else in this house.

All right. See you tomorrow, Junior.

* I just called to say

* I love you

Stop playing and sit down. Don't let me see it.

(LAUGHING)

Ready?

Ready.

All right.

Here we go.

Wow!

A meal of nothing.

What is this, the dead man's diet?

We made you dinner, Daddy.

You made me dinner?

Yeah. We made all your favorites.

That's right.

Here's your sirloin steak, Caesar salad and mashed potatoes.

Wow. That's very nice.

But I would like to take you guys out for dinner instead.

See, I told you this was gonna work.

I'm gonna go change. No glitter.

Dad, Dad, Dad. I don't know what I'm gonna do.

I cannot wait till she turns 21 and she's out of my hair.

I can't wait to get some hair, so you can all be out of my hair.

I heard what you did for her today. That was very cool.

Thanks. I'll clear the table.

Daddy. Yes?

I hope Mommy stays away just for a little bit longer.

You do?

Yeah.

Just for a little bit.

Me, too.

(EXCLAIMS HAPPILY)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(COUGHING)