All language subtitles for My.Wife.And.Kids.S02E02.WEBRip.x264-ION10

MICHAEL: Last time
on My Wife and Kids...

Mom never made us do
calisthenics.

Yeah, well, your mom
is out of town
for six weeks,

so I got time to whip
your little butts into shape.
Come on, let's go.

Junior!
What's up, Dad?

I need you to go
get the truck.

I'm about to
have this baby.

"If the stick is blue,
the results are positive."

Uh-oh.

Please don't tell
her parents.

I have to.

Can I get you guys
anything else?

No, man.
We ain't gonna disrespect
your house like that.

Yeah, that's right.

Hey, John,
why don't we teach
Junior that game?

Which game?

Come on, man, you know.
"Don't let me see it."

What's that?
(CHUCKLING) Oh.

Oh, yeah, you are gonna
like this, Junior.

Anybody could play.
Even you.

It's a good game, man.

How do you play?

See I got these chips, right?
JUNIOR: Mmm-hmm.

You take them from me
and say,
"Don't let me see it."

And they're yours.
Oh.

Don't let me see it.

(BOYS CHUCKLING)
Like that?

Yeah. Yeah.
You're quick, man.

Hey, what's that
over there?

Oh, oh, oh.
That's the sculpture
my dad got for my mom.

It's made by some famous guy.
So, it's really expensive.
Wow.

All right.
Don't let me see it.

(BOYS LAUGHING)

(BOYS TEASING)
Oh, come on.

BOY: Hey, he got you man.

That's not mine.

This game don't know
from mine.

All it knows is that
you was holding it
and I got it now.

That's how we play, yo.

You ain't gonna
act like that, are you?

(SIGHS) No, no.
It's just that...
That was my father's.

Was. Was.

(BOYS CHUCKLING)

All right.
Look, look.

How about I give you
my cell phone, okay?

Ah, don't
let me see it.

(BOYS LAUGHING)
Come on.

(SCOFFS)
Come on, guys.

Hey, what's up, fellas?

Hey, what's up,
Mr. Kyle?

(MUMBLING)
You tell me what...

(LAUGHING)

(WHOOPING)

Hey, that's a nice ring
you got there.

Yep. State Championship,
MVP ring.

Get out of here.

Solid gold, brother.

It looks heavy.
Don't let me see it.

(LAUGHING)

What's up with that, Mr. Kyle?
You wasn't even playing.

But the game don't know
from who's playing or not.

You said anybody
could play, right?

Oh, no, it's not that,
it's just...

That was mine.
You know
what I'm saying?

(LAUGHING) Was. Was.

Come on, Mr. Kyle,
that's special to me.

So is that sculpture
in your pocket.
That's special to me.

All right.
How about this?

How about I trade you this...

Don't let me see it.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is a great game.
Come on, Mr. Kyle.

All right, fellas.
I think it's time for y'all
to hit the road, come on.

Let the door knob hit you
where the Good Lord split you.

(LAUGHING)
Don't let me see it.

(EXCLAIMING)

What's the matter, John,
you got a problem?

No.

(LAUGHS)

What are you
smiling at?
They're clowning you.

Oh, no, they're not.
They just like having fun.

Yeah?
At whose expense?

Look at my house,
it is a wreck.

What's the big deal, Dad?
Listen, I'll clean it up.

The big deal is that
it's my son in my house
that they disrespected.

And maybe you're
fine with that,

but I don't like
seeing my son
being punked.

I'm not being punked.

Oh, really?

Well, let's call
your mother and see what
she has to say about it.

Let me hold
your cell phone.

(STAMMERS)

It's not there, huh, punk?
What's there to find?

Stolen?

Uh-huh.
Here, punked punk.

Go see if you can
get it back with that.

Thanks.

(DOOR OPENS)

Wow. For a second
I thought you was
your mother.

And then the closer you got,
you started looking
like your grandma.

Somebody's gotta be
the mommy around here.

You're right about that.
I'm glad it's not Junior.

Hey, sit down.

I wanna finish telling you
the story about
the day you were born.

I don't have to eat
any more cookies, do I?

No, I use those
as paper weights.

Where was I?

We were on our way
to the hospital.

On our way
to the hospital.
Okay. So...

Push. That's it.
That's it.

(BREATHING RAPIDLY)

I think I see
the head. Oh!

(EXCLAIMING)
Sorry.

(PANTING) How much longer
is it gonna take, Doc?

Well, uh, you know, honestly,
Mr. Kyle, it's gonna take
a long, long while.

Why?

Well, there's just no place
for the baby to come out.

I guess I didn't think this
all the way through, huh?

Well, there's only
one thing to do
in this situation.

Gonna have to do
a B-section.

All right. Flip him over.

That's not true.
Mommy already told me
I came out of her china.

That was
the good china too.

But you know what?
I'm just trying to make
it more entertaining.

Add some comedy.
Get a few laughs.
Apparently I'm failing.

You said it, not me.

But you know what?
There was something wrong
when you were born.

What?

Well, you didn't really
take to me right away.

(BABY CRYING)

MICHAEL: I tried everything
to make you laugh.

(HUSHING) Look, look.
And nothing worked.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Okay, here...

(MUMBLING)

(EXCLAIMING) Okay.

(BARKING SOFTLY)

Here, doggie.

(BARKING) Okay.
Adios, stupid dog!

(MUMBLING)

Mommy just went
to the store.

(SIGHING)

(CRYING)

TAKE IT, BABY.

TAKE IT, BABY.
OUCH!

Something was wrong.
What?

Well, the baby didn't
have those sparkling
eyes you have.

Or that sweet, sweet
smile you have.

But it did have
something
you didn't have.

And I really didn't hit
me until it hit me.

(BABY COOING)
It's Daddy's little girl!

I was a boy?

Well, obviously
the hospital
made a mistake.

They gave us
the wrong baby.

Where was I?

I didn't know.

So, I started
to search.

And I told myself
I wouldn't
eat or sleep

until I found
my little girl.

But then
I took a nap,

because that's what
happens when you're
really determined,

you get tired.

But after I woke up,
I had a turkey sandwich
and then I went out

and I said, "Eventually,
if I keep looking,

"I'm gonna find
my little angel."

Of course,
I made a few wrong turns
along the way.

Yes?

You wouldn't happen
to have a maid, would you?

Finally, I knocked
on the right door.

And it's good thing,
because there was
a baby out there

who was just as unhappy
as the one I was holding.

(BABY CRYING)

Baby, please stop crying.

You want Daddy to dance
like them big-butt girls
in the video?

Please stop crying.

Stop crying.
Please.

Stop crying.
Look, look.

Look, I'm smiling
like your mama.

Stop crying.
You wanna go for a ride?
Please, I'll do anything.

Please, stop.
Look, we're gonna
go for a ride.

(IMITATING CAR ENGINE)

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

Please! Come on,
stop crying.
Stupid. Shut up!

Here, here, here.
How about
a teething ring?

I got it. I got it.
You wanna watch Kazaam.

How about I make
a free throw?

Kobe gives me the ball.
You know Kobe
don't like to pass.

But Kobe gives me the ball
anyway, and then Daddy...

And Daddy gonna shoot it!

(LAUGHING)

Shut up.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Take your
mama's teat out.

Are you
Shaquille O'Neal?

Nobody's ever
asked me that before.

That's probably
a stupid question.

Listen, I'm having
a lot of trouble
with this baby.

You know what?
So am I.

I'll trade you.

I give you this baby
and another baby to be named
at a later date for that one.

Deal.

Thanks.

Hey, you want
his mama's teat?

They come
with the package.

Might as well.

By the way,
with your free throws,
you wanna bend your knees...

Oh, shut the hell up.

And will you stop
doing this when you come...

And stay out!

And that's the story
of the day you were born.

And Shaq got
his little boy back?

Yeah, I gave up
courtside seats
for you.

For real?
Mmm-hmm.

Now, come on,
let's go put
some beads in your hair

and get you
on that tennis court.

(RESPECT PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

(SINGING)

Dad.

Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

(MUSIC STOPS)
What? What? What?

Just having
a little fun
here, man.

What the hell
is going on?

Yo, your room is the
bomb-diggity-boo-boo-boo.

Yo, I didn't think
your new sneakers
would fit me.

And then I smashed
down the backs.

Yo, it's like
Jordan sandals.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you got
some email from some girl
with some really big boobs.

MEN: Ooh!

How do you know
they're big?

Man, I asked her.

Told her to stop sending
him nasty pictures
of them big boobs.

'Cause Junior only likes
the little ones.

You guys are messing
with all my stuff.

Yeah, and good stuff it is.
Look at this, you found
these Playboy magazines.

They were up in the ceiling.
That's a good place
to hide them.

I would have never found them
if I wasn't jumping up
and down on the bed.

All right, Dad.
Enough.

No, no, no.
We just sent out for some
turkey dogs and soy milk.

We're gonna get down.

Okay, Dad. I get it!

I get your point.
Now, can you guys get out?

That's what I wanted
to hear you say.

All right, fellas,
we gotta go.

MEN: Aw!

We're having
so much fun.

All right, then,
let's help Junior
clean his room up.

No.
No.

It was cool, bro.

(MEN MUTTERING)

Kids, huh?

(SIGHING)

I wish I could hang out,
Son, but I gotta go
with the fellas.

You know,
I got the hand thing
I gotta work at.

Did you ever
get your stuff back
from your friends?

Yeah. Thanks.

Look, Junior.

Sooner or later, you're gonna
have to put your foot down
and take a stand. Okay?

Because these guys
are just gonna
take and take

until you can't
take it no more.

I still think
you're wrong.

Okay. Fine.

You don't want that.

You can't run away
from home, Charmaine.

Okay, I don't have
that many options.

Did you talk to David?
It's his baby, too.

You know,
he's just as scared
as I am.

Did you even try
talking to your parents?

Please, Claire, okay?

My father would kill me
and my mother would
absolutely freak.

Girl, you are
the only one
I can talk to.

Yeah, and I gotta
be home by 8:00.

I wanna run away
but I only have $16.

No. You've got six.
You owe me ten
for that pregnancy test.

What am I gonna do?

Okay. I know this
sounds really stupid.

I mean, really stupid.

But here's what I think
you should do.

What?

Talk to my father.

(LAUGHING)
That's funny.

I said it was gonna
sound stupid.
But it's the truth.

Claire, your father?
Not your mom?

No, my mother would
beat you with a stick.

But as much as
I hate to admit it,
my dad's a pretty cool guy.

Really?
Really.

Weird, huh?

WHAT?

CAN YOU DRIVE?

NO.

EXCUSE ME.

(CHEERING ON TV)

(SWITCHING OFF TV)

What's the matter?

You lied.

About what?

Junior told me
he can't drive.

Maybe everything
you say is a lie,
Michael Richard Kyle.

Kady Melissa Jane
Spilkin Kyle,
you sound like your mother.

Look, I was just trying
to get you out of
that bad mood you were in.

You know,
take your mind
off your mommy.

So? You still lied.

Well, the truth wasn't
that interesting.

Come here. I'll tell you
what really happened.

Okay.

MICHAEL: Actually,
your birth was really quick
and really easy.

(SNEEZING)

(BABY COOING)
That was a relief.

I'm hungry.
You wanna go get
something to eat?

Okay. Maybe not that easy,
but it was easy.

The truth?

The truth is
you didn't really seem
to like me right away.

I mean, you would cry
whenever I held you.

You preferred
your mother to me.

It started
the first time
she fed you.

(CRYING)

(COOING)

Here, you got it. Come on.

(CRYING)

(MICHAEL LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

(STOPS CRYING)

JAY: It's okay.

And you've always been
a mommy's girl.

And I know it sounds silly
and not very grown up,

but it really
makes me sad

to know that
I can't make you happy
while your mom's gone.

'Cause the truth is, Kady,

I've been trying
to win your heart
ever since you were born.

Keep trying, baldy.

Look, I realize
these things happen.
It's human.

And it doesn't make
you a bad person.

Thank you.

If it happened to you,
you'd be a bad person.

What do you think
I should do?

A couple of things.

First of all, get rid
of that stupid notion
of running away.

You don't have a job,
you don't have money,

you don't even have
a place to stay.

And secondly,
talk to your parents.

No, they'll kill me.

No, they won't.

If either of them
raises a hand to you,

you just hold
your stomach and go,
"The baby! The baby!"

(CHUCKLES) See,
the bottom line is,

you gotta ask yourself,
"Do my parents
really love me?"

Yes.

Okay, then talk to them.

It's at times like these

that they step up
and they show you
what they're made of.

I guess you're right.

The last thing
you gotta do, Charmaine,
talk to your boyfriend.

He's gotta talk
to his parents.

And then maybe all of y'all
can get together
and work this out.

I mean, it's not
the end of the world,
you know.

I know.

I mean, you could
choose to look at
this as a blessing.

I mean,
that's up to you.

I personally believe
that every child is a gift.

I told you
he was good.

Yeah.

Well, um, I better
get on with it.

I'll go get your purse.

Thank you, Mr. Kyle.
I didn't think anybody
your age would understand.

Well, I'm speaking
from experience,
Charmaine.

What do you mean?

The same thing happened
to me and my wife.

Jay got pregnant
when she was 16 years old.

It was a huge responsibility
that we were facing,

and we were both
kids ourselves.

What did you do?

We had a son.

And it's a decision
I've never regretted
a day in my life.

(BOYS CHATTERING)

Hey, Dad.

Till just now.

Hold up. What's up
with that haircut, man?

Hey, look at the back,
it's all jacked up.

The line
all messed up.
Yeah.

This looks and feels
just like a new basketball,
you know what I mean?

Hey, Junior.
Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, Claire.
What's up?

What's up?
Sure like
to pound that.

JUNIOR: Hey, hey.

That's my sister.

How can someone as ugly
as you be related to
someone as fine as that?

So, what's up with her?

What's up with her?
She's 14.

So? Hook me up.

Look, I'm not playing.
Lay off my sister,
all right?

Hey, what's up?

I don't know,
you tell...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Go upstairs and wash
that glitter stuff off.

And put on
a trench coat.

Look, man, it's one thing
to come in my house,
playing my video games

and drinking my juice.

But nobody disrespects
my baby sister.

It's time to go.
All of you.

Come on, man. What's up
with all the hostility?
I thought we was boys.

Yeah, you know,
I mean, she's bound
to date sometime.

Why not let it
be one of us?

All right,
let's go.

(SCOFFS)
Hold on, man,
I'm 6'5".

And I'm gonna beat you
till you're 5'3".

All right.
All right, killer.

We're leaving.
We know when
we ain't wanted.

Oh.

And one more thing.

Don't forget
my soy milk.
I need it.

You think you can
just boss me around
for soy milk?

You going to drink latte
just like everybody else
in this house.

All right. See you
tomorrow, Junior.

* I just called to say

* I love you

Stop playing
and sit down.
Don't let me see it.

(LAUGHING)

Ready?

Ready.

All right.

Here we go.

Wow!

A meal of nothing.

What is this,
the dead man's diet?

We made you
dinner, Daddy.

You made me dinner?

Yeah. We made
all your favorites.

That's right.

Here's your sirloin steak,
Caesar salad
and mashed potatoes.

Wow. That's very nice.

But I would like
to take you guys out
for dinner instead.

See, I told you
this was gonna work.

I'm gonna go change.
No glitter.

Dad, Dad, Dad.
I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

I cannot wait
till she turns 21
and she's out of my hair.

I can't wait to get some hair,
so you can all be
out of my hair.

I heard what you did
for her today.
That was very cool.

Thanks.
I'll clear the table.

Daddy.
Yes?

I hope Mommy stays away
just for a little bit longer.

You do?

Yeah.

Just for a little bit.

Me, too.

(EXCLAIMS HAPPILY)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(COUGHING)