Original subtitles

''Principal's office''

Enter

Excusing me please lady

Yes, what is it?

l am coming to be learning the English

- You're early - No, l am Ali

l beg your pardon?

My name is Ali. Ali Nadim

- l am coming to be learning the English

- Yes, yes! You wish to join our new class

- English as a Foreign Language - Yes please

l am hopping to be unrolled

Hopping to be unrolled?!

Like it say in your sillybus

You mean you're hoping to be enrolled That is what l say-hopping to be unrolled

l'm afraid you cannot be unrolled... enrolled until the English teacher arrives

She should be here in a few minutes

Meanwhile, perhaps you'd care to wait in the classroom

Just go down the corridor, turn left at the bottom and wait in room number five

- Understand? - No

l'll start again

- Go down the corridor - Down the corridor

Good

- Turn left - Turn left

Right

You are confusing me

- Left or right? - Left

Look! You just go down the corridor, turn left and wait in room five! Room five!

- l am understanding you now! Room five - Yes

Thank you

Oh dear, l am not going where l am looking

No, no! l wasn't looking where l was going

That makes the two of us! Excuse me sir

Enter

- Mrs Courtney - Miss

Oh sorry! l'm your new teacher Jeremy Brown, B.A. Oxon

- You're a man - Yes

This is most unsatisfactory! This won't do at all

l assure you my credentials are impeccable

Academically perhaps, but l'm talking about sex

l also assure you that my morals are perfectly respectable too

l'm referring to the fact that you are a man

l distinctly requested the Local Authority to send me a woman teacher

Especially after the unfortunate incident involving Mr. Warburton

- Mr. Warburton? - Yes

He was teaching English to foreign students last term

l'm afraid he only lasted a month, then he departed

- Dead? - Demented

Yes, the strain was too much for him

Typical of the male sex! No stamina

He seemed to be able to cope at first, but one day he just snapped

- lt was really quite disgusting - Really? What did he do?

Climbed out of the classroom window and on to the roof

Took all his clothes off and stood there stark naked

Singing ''l've got a lovely bunch of coconuts''

How distressing! Still you musn't worry on my account

l'm not likely to climb out of the classroom window

l know you aren't

- Thank you for your confidence - lt's got nothing to do with confidence

We've had the window frames nailed down

How very thoughtful! Well, l would appreciate the job Mrs. Courtney

- Miss - Miss Courtney

l am qualified and l do need ajob! What with the economic situation and inflation and...

Alright, there's no need to whimper!

- You can start immediately - Thank you

- On a month's trial - Thank you

- lf you last that long - l'll do my best

Where will l find my students?

- Room five down the corridor and turn left - Right

l'm looking forward to meeting them! l'm sure we're all going to get along extremely well

Good evening

Good evening

Quiet please!

Silence

l am pleased to meet you all

We are also pleasing to be meeting you

- l am Brown - Oh, no

- You are committing a mistake - Mistake?

Yes, you are not brown! We are brown! You are white

My name is Brown! l'm your teacher

- Ah, you Proffessori - Yes

Silenzio

Thank you

Would you all like to sit down! Sit down!

ln fact, l'll take a note of all your names, nationalities and occupations

- Por favore Senor - Yes

Es la primera ves que vengo

Es esta la clase para aprender ingles?

Well, l haven't the faintest idea what you're saying

But l'm sure you're not trying to find the needle-work class

- Por favore - lt doesn't matter! Have a seat!

- Por favore - Sit down

Ah, si

- No, not there - Por favore

Over there

Right! l'll just go round the class and take your names

Yes, what is your name?

Maximillion Andrea Archimedes Papandrious

Yes, l'll just put you down as Max

- l take it you're Greek? - ls right! From Athens

- And what is yourjob? - l walk with sheeps

You walk with sheeps?

- A shepherd! You work on a farm - No, no, no! Not farm

- But you said you work with sheep - No, no! Sheeps. Big sheeps

- Ah, ships - Yes, Sheeps, Tonkers

- Tonkers! Ah, tankers - ls right

- l walk in office - Thank you

- And your name? - Anna Schmidt! Jairman au pair

- Ah, the usual German efficiency - Jairmans are always efficient

Not so

Japanes much more efficient

Nein, Jairmans are zer best

Japanes make much better terevision and camelas

Please, please, let's have no racialism

ln this class, all are equal

- Your name? - Giovanni Cupello! ltalian

- What do you work? - l work inna Ristorante dei Populi

- A waiter? - No, not a waiter. A cookada

- A cookada? - l cookada raviolo, daspaghetti, dalasagne

l cookada everything

A chef

Your name?

What is your name?

Me, Jeremy Brown! You?

Max, Anna Schmidt, Giovanni Cuppello! You?

Yes, yes, write your name down! Good, good

No good! l need your name in English

- No good! - No good!

Certificate of registration! Jamila Ranjha! Housewife

Thank you

- And your name? - l'm Ali Nadim! From Lahor

l am working at the moment not anywhere at all

- You are unemployed? - Yes please

Only one day a week, l am working

And what do you do then?

l am going to the unemployment exchange to be collecting my money

Cor blimey! l get more money for not be working than when l'm working

And before you discovered this secret of eternal wealth, what did you do?

l worked at the Taj Mahal

- ln Delhi? - No, Putney

The Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant

Very good chapatti and popadom

A thousand apologies for my lateness

The omnibus was going backwards

l'm sure there must be a more logical explanation

lt is the absolute truth! l was told to be talking a number 27 omnibus

And l complied, but it went in a backward direction

l think you meant it was going the other way

That is the gist of what l am saying! A thousand apologies

lt's all right! Perhaps you'd like to sit next to Ali, your countryman

l cannot sit there! lt is impossible

Why is it impossible?

- l am Sikh - Oh dear

l hope it's not contagious! Perhaps you ought ot come back when you're better?

l do not comprehend the gist of your conversation

You said you were sick

- How do you feel about Roman Catholics? - l treat them like my brothers

Good, go and sit next to Giovanni

- Barbarian - lnfidel

Gentlemen please! You are here to learn English not start a holy war

- What is your name? - Ranjeet Singh

- And from which country? - Punjab

Good, what is yourjob?

l'm a very important member of the British underground

- The underground what? - Just the underground

Mind the doors

Oh, that underground

- And your name? - Taro Nagazumi

My name card! Japanese

Reprensentative of Bushedo Electronics

- Vely good! Very good and finally your name - Por favore

- Your name, what is your name? - Por favore

- Nome - Ah nome, si

Juan Cervantes para Seville

- No need to ask what nationality you are - Por favore

- Spanish - Por favore

- What is yourjob? - Por favore

- Trabaje - Ah si! Tree laggers

- You lag trees? - Si, 1 Jeentonic, 2 whisky, coka tree laggers

- Three lagers - Si

- You work in a bar - Bar, si

- Well, Mr. Brown - Yes thank you

Apart from one attempted murder and a possible race riot

l think we're coping reasonably well

l've come to inform you about the registration fees for the students

lt's 5 pounds per head!

l'll be grateful if u would collect the money and bring it to my office in your tea break

Right, l'll do that

Well we have one thing to be grateful for anyway

Sex won't be rearing its ugly little head

l beg your pardon?

From past experience, it isn't race or religion that causes problems

lt's usually the presence of some foreign beauty

Jealousies, intrigues - all that sort of thing

Yes, well looking at my class, l dont think we'll be too bothered with anything like that

l come to learn English 'Ave l come to ze right place?

Enter

- Mrs Courtney - Miss

Miss! l've just brought the registration fees for the students

- Good! Now how many students have you? - Nine

- So there's 45 pounds in here - That depends on the rate of exchange

l don't quite follow you

Not all of them had 5 pounds in English money

So l collected 29,50 in Sterling and the rest is made up of 2000 yen, 3000 lira

250 pesetas, 75 drachmas, 50 francs and 12 deutchmarks

According to this morning's financial paper, that should give us a profit of 1045,5 pounds

Then l suggest you take it to the bank in the morning and convert it into English currency

Right, l'll do that

- By the way, how's the femme fatale? - Ah, yes! Danielle

At the moment, she's in the tea room with ltaly, Spain and Greece

Trying to establish diplomatic relations

- l hope she's not going to cause any bother - Oh no, l'm sure she won't

- Look, l am going to sitta here - No, it is me who is going to be sitting here

- Before you were sitting over dair - And before you were sitta over dair

- You takeadamick - Who, me?

You go back and sit where u were before

- No, l sit here - you not sitt here

- Who is gonna be stopping me? - Me

Yourself? You think you're tough! Come outside

Hokay

- Where are you going? - We go houtside to havada punch down

You mean a punch up

l'm going to - How you say - knock his bloody block off

We see who's bloody blocka is knockered off

- Now just a minute! What is all this about? - l tella you Mr. White

- Brown - Scusi! ls about where we sit

What's wrong with where you're sitting before?

Ltsa my eyes Professori! l gotta sitta nearer da front

Here

l see! And l suppose it's got nothing to do with the fact that Danielle is sitting here too

She is?

l never noticed

You see itsa my eyes! l'm a little shorta sighted

And also a much beega liar

- lt's not true Mr. Green - The name is Brown

You see! l'm a colour blind as well

And Max, l suppose you've got trouble with your eyes as well

No, no, no! My eyes are hokay! lt's my hears

- l am not hearing very well - That's a likely story

What you say?

l say you both go back and sit where you were sitting before now

l hope you don't think l was - How you say - too forward

No, no! l'm sure you weren't in any way to blame at all

Teacher please!

- Mr. Blown - Yes

Prease folgive my rateness! l apologize but l rost my way

Not to worry! What is your name?

- Chung Su Lee - Su Lee

- Where are you from? - Democlatic Lepublic of China

- And what is yourjob? - Secletaly! Chinese Dipromat

Very nice

Right! Where shall we put you?

Taro! How are relations between Japan and China?

Depends on political viewpoint!

Japan light wingo! China refto wingo

l see! Are you light wingo or reft wingo? Right or left?

l forrow teaching of Chairman Mao

ln that case, You'd better sit next to Jamila, the lndian lady

- Alright? - Thank you

Right, now we will start by learning a few basic English verbs

And firstly, we will take the verb 'to be'

- Ta be - To be

l am English, you are Chinese He is ltalian! She is French

He is barbarian

And you are asking for a kick up your big brown backside

Pay attention please

- l am - l am

- You are - You are

- He, she, or it is - He, or she or it is

- We are - We are

- You are - You are

- They are - They are

Now i'll go round the class and ask you each to give me a sentence using the verb to be

Taro, 'l am'

l amo very happy to be learningo English

- Good! Giovanni, 'he is' - He isada fool

Good but not isada! He is a fool

Yes he is a fool

Max, 'she is'

She is beautiful! She is wonderful

- She is... - Yes, yes, thank you Max! That will do

- Juan, 'it is' - Por favore?

- lt is - Por favore

lt is raining

lt is raining

lt is raining

- We'll skip you for the moment - Por favore?

lt doesn't matter! Sit down

Su Lee, 'it is'

lt is duty of evely citizen to overthlow lmpelial Warmongers

So say Chairman Mao

Yes, well that's his opinion! Good, good

Danielle, 'we are'

We are lucky to 'ave such a good 'andsome teacher

Quiet please! Thank you

Ali, 'you are'

- You are... - You are waiting for me to speak an answer

Well done!

Unfortunately, l am not understanding the question

l want you to give me a sentence using 'you are'

l am

No, not 'l am', 'you are'! For example you are from Pakistan

- l am from Pakistan - Yes but now use 'you are'

But l cannot say you are from Pakistan because you are not, are you?

- Repeat after me - you are English - No, l'm not! l'm from Pakistan

- What am l? - You are confusing me

You are stupid poof

- Don't you call me poof - Poof

Sit down please! Quiet!

There's really not much more we can do

Until you all get your text books! But what i would like you to do is some homework

Alright, l want you each to write an essay

A short story about your life here in England

The things you do, the things you like

l'll see you all on Wednesday

Ah, Mrs. Courtney

- Miss - Miss

l've just dismissed the class for tonight!

l think we've covered all we can for the first session

You look a trifle under the weather

- Job getting you down already? - No, no l'm fine! Never felt better

- There's just one thing though - Yes

That window you nailed down! The one Mr. Warburton climbed out of

What about it?

l think l ought to put a few more nails in it

- Excuse me young man - Si senora

- Are you in Mr. Brown's class? - Por favore

Mr. Brown's class! Brown! Mr. Brown

Ah si! Juan Cervantes

Yes, but are you in Mr. Brown's class?

- English as a foreign language? - Por favore?

Are you really as stupid as you look?

Excuse me

You are in Mr. Brown's class, aren't you?

Are you or aren't you?

- Doesn't Mr. Brown teach you anything? - Por favore?

- You - Yes please Missy

Can l be assisting you in any way whatsoever?

At last a breakthrough

- Are you in Mr. Brown's class? - No, l'm in corridor

- Do you think you could give him a message - Certainly

- l am Miss Courtney - l am Ranjeet Singh

Just at this particularl moment, l'm not really bothered in who you are

l just want you to give Mr. Brown a message

l will be very happy to comply with your request

Would you tell Mr. Brown l would like a word with him

Most certainly

Which word would you like?

Just say l want to speak to him

Foreigners!

Quiet please!

Settle down!

Good evening

So we appear to be some missing l hope they haven't dropped out

Please it would not be surprising me

l am always thinking that Sikh, son of Guru, was a Punjabi drop out

l am hearing what you are saying, you miserable spawn of ajackal

Don't you two start again! Actually, you're late

A thousand apologies for this unforgivable tardiness

But we were all unavoidably detained in the corridor by a lady

Si, si

Do l take it Juan that you understood what Ranjeet was saying?

- Por favor? - Sorry i asked

Who was this lady who detained you in the corridor?

Oh blimey! l am forgetting her name

She was big lady. Very large bosoms

Grandioso, very good!

Yes, well while you are trying to remember her name, perhaps you'd better sit down

Now l hope you've all done your homework

Excuse me please! l am remembering the name! Missy Courtney

- Miss Courtney - Yes absolutely

The lady with the large bosoms

- She is wanting to see you - Well, she'll just have to wait

Excuse me please! She is already waiting

She may be the principal but l have a class to teach! Now as l was saying...

Ah Miss large... Miss Courtney

- l was just on my way to see you actually - That's not the impression l got

- l shan't be a moment class - lt's all right, don't bother

l'm here only to tell you that you can expect another student

- Jolly good! The more the merrier - You're not here to make merry Mr. Brown

No, it was just a figure of speech

You'd better try to teach a few figures of speech to your students

- They seem to be in need of it - l'm doing my best

- Miss Courtney? - Yes

This new student! What nationality can l expect?

- African - African! Thank you

Remember, i asked you to write an essay or short story about your life here in England

l hope you've all done so, have you?

Good, good! l'll go round the class and ask each of you to read out what you've written

Anna, should we start with you?

- My life in England by Anna Schmidt - Good! Very good

- Yeah but go on - There's no more

- You mean that's all there is? - Ya

l half no time to write more! Always that Mrs. Valker is keeping me busy

Anna do this - Anna do that! She is a slavedriver that Mrs Valker

- Walker - Vat?

W is pronounced 'Weh'! Your employer's name is Walker

Ya, Valker

Do you know how many shirts Mrs Valker make me iron last night?

- Walker - Ya Valker

Twelve! Then l had to prepare a meal for the bitch

Anna, she may be a hard taskmistress but l don't think you ought to call her that

- Who? - Mrs. Valker... Walker

- l vas meaning the dog bitch - Oh l see

That is vy l am having no time for the homework

Well, not to worry! You really must concentrate on those 'double u' sounds

Danielle, would you like to read us your essay?

Oui

What l like about England! By Mamselle Danielle Favre

Telephone 2468021

Good! Carry on!

- Scusi - Yes, Giovanni?

Was it 8021 or 8012?

8021 ! Look, never mind what number it was

You're here to improve your English not chat up other students

You are absolutely right Professori!

lt's just l'd like to improve my French as well

You can do that in your own time

- Carry on Danielle - Zank you

l like England because ze grass is so green, and ze pople are so nice

- People - Yes

Especially ze men

Quiet! Quiet

Englishmen are so charming, so handsome and so sexy

Silence please

Yeah, l think that will do Danielle

But l have written much more... all about the things l like to do at night

Yes well, l don't think we'd better go into those

l'll be reading all your essays later

Jamila... l don't suppose you've written anything, have you?

Written... anything?

- No - No

You really must start to speak a little, Jamila... Speak

No, no! ln English! You must try to speak in English

Look! Try saying Good evening

All right, lets start with 'good'! Good, Good

lt's not difficult! Come on! Good, Good

You nearly said it then! Come on! Good

Please! No prompting

Gud

Excellent! Well done

Now try 'evening'! Evening!

lt's not difficult Jamila! Go on! Evening

Yes, yes! Come on

Gud!

l know you can say 'good'! Say 'evening'! Evening

Efening! Efening! Efening

- Good - Efening

Now put them both together! Good evening

Gud efening

Good efening

Very good Jamila

Well done

We'll try some new words later

- Now Su-Lee, have you written anything? - Yes, yes

What l rike about England

England is becoming more porriticarry minded and gladually more reft wing

The overthlow of decadent capitaristic government will soon take prace

As working crasses become more educated

And emblace Communism as the tlue way of rife

Workers levolution getting nealer

With inevitable corrapse of lmpeliaristic bougoise interrectual society

Yes! Well if thats what you like about England

l wouldn't want to hear what you didn't like

- Excuse pleaso - Yes Taro

May l have small observations on youngo radies discourse

Which will also irrustrate incleased knowledge of Engrisho

- Certainly Taro! Go ahead - With lespecto

Youngo rady speak road of cobras

Attitude typical of Fascist Nipponese

Japan civilised countly noto rike China lun by peasanto

- Chinese not peasants - Japanese not Fascisto

Su Lee! Su Lee! Come back

Taro, please go and apologize

- Apologize? - Yes

Noto my faulto

Never mind whose faulto it was! Go and apologize

Ah prease

Waito

Waito

Waito

- Mrs. Courtney - Miss

l'm Roger Kenyon... from the Education Authority

l was told they were sending an inspector round

- But l really didn't expect - He would be black

- He would be so young - My apologies

But the authority likes to check that the standards of the evening classes

are up to par

l can assure you that my standards here are well over par

l'm glad to hear it

Well Mr. Kenyon, if you'd like to come with me, l'll show you round

No, no please! l'd ratherjust wander around on my own, if you don't mind

l usually get a much clearer picture that way

- Everything all right? - Everything's okay

- We have agleed to differ - Good

- Excuse me - Ah, our new African

- Pardon? - Yeah, l've been expecting you

- Me? - Yes, l was told l'd have a new pupil

Look, it's nearly time for our tea break

So why don't you just sit at the back for a moment, and l'll get your particulars later

- But please... - Be a good chap! Don't argue, just sit down

- All right? - Yes, but...

- Sit? - Yes please

O.K. Me sit!

There you are!

10 p! Thank you, that's it

Next!

- You sitta here - Merci

- l get coffee - Merci

- Coffee black? - Sank you please

Coffee black

- l'm gettada coffee for Danielle - Too bad

- Sugar? - Merci

How about a biscuit? You like a biscuit?

- l would like that! - Good

l'll be back

A packet of biscuits, please

Wait your turn! There's a queue here! Go on

Next

Gud efening

- Yes, good evening! Tea or coffee? - Gud efening

l heard you the first time! Tea or coffee?

- Char - Ah, tea

- Ten p. - Gud efening

- Ten P. - l'll pay for that

- And a coffee for me - And a coffee for you

- Are you Mr. Brown? - Yes

l've got a message for you from her ladyship

- Lady who? - Miss Courtney!

She's just been in here! She wants to see you

- l know what she does want - Yes, Mr. Brown?

You want to see me

ln my office! Lmmediately

- Careful, thats coffee! You'll spill it - Por favore?

- That's coffee! - Gracias

- Same again, please - Here you go Mr. Brown

- Thanks - Thank you

- A packet of biscuits, please! - l'm sorry, we haven't any left

Good! You've come to have a cup of coffee?

- Coffee? - Yes! Coffee, this stuff

Thank you

Enter

lt has taken you 2 min 38 sec exactly to come to my office immediately

l'm glad l didn't ask you to take your time

l'm sorry! l was detained

l thought l'd better tell you that an inspector has arrived

- Well my conscience is clear - l beg your pardon?

Apart from the odd parking ticket, l've never been in any trouble with the police

- An education inspector - Oh, l'm sorry! How stupid of me

Yes! Well he'll probably want to call in on your class

Don't worry, l'll deal with him

You don't deal with inspectors from the local authority, Mr. Brown

You cossett them, flatter them and agree with everything they say

Yes, l'll do that as well

- l expect he'll want to see your register - My register?

- You do have a register? - Oh, that register! Yes of course

You'd better call it as soon as you get back to your class

By the way while you're here

The local authorities want me to fill in a few details about you on this form

- l've got your name - Yes

- Address - yes

- Sex - Occasionally

- Sorry - Married?

No, l was engaged once!

As a matter of fact, l proposed marriage but it didn't really work out

There was quite a lot of opposition

- Her father? - No, her husband

l didn't realize she was married

- What do you do during the day? - Nothing at the moment, l'm afraid

- l'm waiting for a suitable position - And what was your last position?

l was teaching at a secondary modern school but l left

l couldn't stand any more beatings

l didn't think teachers beat children any more

They don't! lt was the other way round

l think you'd better take this form, fill it in yourself and give it to me later

Right

And do be careful what you say to the lnspector

Of course!

Oh, by the way... the new student has arrived

You wouldn't forget to add the name to the register, would you?

Danielle, what you do hafter class?

- l go back home to learn ze English - Hey l'm going to learn English as well

Maybe we learn together

- Yes but what about poor Max? - Yeah

What about the poor Max?

l'm crying my eyes out

- l have an idea - l have lots of ideas

Why not you and Max study together?

All right class! Settle down please! Quiet!

Now, the first thing we have to do before anything else is to call the register

- Sorry - That's quite all right

l expect you'll have a bit of difficulty finding your way round at first

Things will seem rather strange

- Yes, very strange - Yes

lt must be quite a change coming from one of the under-developed countries

To our more advanced way of life

- Oh yes - Still, your people are doing remarkably well

- Did you fly here? - Fly?

What do you mean, Bwana?

Fly! ln a big iron bird

Quite a change from riding an elephant

Unless you came by Jumbo

- English joke - Very funny

Perhaps you'd better sit down

Now, l'm gonna call out your names

- Will you please answer present - Present

Yes Ali, but wait until l call your name out

Sorry please

- Ranjeet Singh - Present and correct please

- Giovanni Cuppello - Si proffessori

- No Giovanni! Not proffessori - No proffessori

No, you should address me as Sir

- Sir - yes

Now l understand

You have been togetta knotted

Come again

To become a Sir! You got Knotteda by the queen

The word is knighted! And l'm not that kind of sir

Maximillian Papandrious

Maximillian Papandrious

- Mr. Brown is speaking to you - ls he?

- Oh sorry, you want something? - Are you here or not?

Sure l'm here

- Taro Nagazumi - Ah so

Plesento

- Anna Schmidt - Ja, present

- Su Lee Chung - Plesent

- Ali Nadim - Gift

- Gift? - l'm surprising you, no?

Each day l am learning new English word

And l am finding that gift is another word for present

- Very ingenious - Thank you very much

- Danielle Favre - Presente and l'm all here

l can see that

- Jamila Ranjha - Ranjhi

Gud efening

- Yes, you're here! And Juan Cervantes - Por favore

- Present - Por favore?

- You are here - Present

l'd better take down your particulars otherwise l may get into hot water

You are going to have a hot bath?

No Ali, it's just another way of saying l may get into trouble

Oh dear! You have been committing some grievous misdemeanour?

Not at all! There's an inspector from the local Education Authority coming round

- The big boss - Yes

l suppose you could say that

But from my experience they're usually interfering old fogies

- You don't like them? - Not particularly

Frankly, they're quite useless and they are as outdated as their teaching methods

l mean, what is the point of learning past participles

Cognate objects or subordinate clauses?

Far more useful to try to teach foreign students

how to order a meal or find accommodations

- You appear to have some unique ideas - l suppose l have

- You know you speak English fairly well - Thank you

What is your name?

- Roger Kenyon - Roger Kenyon

Ah Miss Courtney!

l'm just completing the register and getting the details of our new student

Before that inspector chappie pokes his nose in

Oh, no!

- Mr. Brown - l shan't be a moment Miss Courtney

- What is yourjob? - lnspector

What local transport?

Local Education Authority

l thought he was the new student

- The new student is a female - ls she? You didn't tell me that

My apologies Mr. Kenyon, l do assure you that Mr. Brown will be severely dealt with

l can't remember when l last enjoyed myself so much

- l beg your pardon - Enjoyed yourself?

You know Miss Courtney, your Mr. Brown is a remarkable man

- l am? - He is?

Yes! His teaching methods may be revolutionary but they appear to work

l've always encouraged my staff to be forward thinking

l'll pass on your comments to the Authority

Perhaps they'll revise their textbooks

Now if you'll excuse me, l must put in an appearance at the other classes

Very well

Keep up the good work, Mr. Brown and thank you very much for the coffee

l'll come with you Mr. Kenyon

Blimey you are dropping a clinker

- You mean clanger - Yes please

Yes right! Let's continue with our lessons

Get out your textbooks! l'm going to give you all a few exercises

Scusi professori sir! l cannot do any exercises

- Why not? - l gottada bad back

Excuse me! l was looking for...

Ah, at last! A pity you didn't arrive half an hour earlier

Why?

You might've saved me a great deal of embarrassment

With a certain African gentleman

Yes, he was the inspector but l mistook him for you

- You thought a gentleman was me? - Yes

The silly fool pretended to be a student, sit in the back to catch me out

But l saw through him

l gather you think he was a bit stupid

Definitely, thick as a brush

- Was his name Mr. Kenyon? - Yes

- Do you know him? - l should do

l've come to collect him! l'm his wife!

Oh blimey yes!

- Oh Max, can u help me? - Sure, anything you want

- l am in very big trouble - l kill him

- Who you kill? - The man who put you in big trouble

- There's no man - Dio Gracias

- lt's my homework! l have not finished it - And l am haven't started it

- Mr. Brown he is going to be very angry - Don't worry

- Giovanni, he's gonna fix everything - Yes?

Buona Serra

Hockay! Who wants the homework! Only 10 p. Each

10 p. No peseta

Whose next?

- Giovanni, how we know answers right? - Sure answers right

My landalady's little boy write them down! He's a clever kid

Quiet please

- Where is Mr. Brown? - Mr. Brown not alived

This is too bad! He should be here

You want l give Mr. Brown a massage?

- l presume you mean message - Collect

No thank you

l shall wait until he arrives

lt will give me an opportunity to find out how much you have learned

Which is precious little l suspect

- But Madame, we learn a lot from Mr. Brown - Yes

Quiet now! Quiet, quiet!

Very well! Let's see if we can find out how much you've learned from Mr. Brown

Can anyone give me a sentence containing the word... 'catalyst'?

Come along somebody! Catalyst

- Por favore senora? - Yes

ln my country Spain, most of the people are Roman Catalyst

l don't believe it

- That's not right - No?

ltaly is a much bigger catalyst country

Quiet... Quiet! Sit down!

Quiet please!

Good evening Miss Courtney

- lt's almost goodnight - l'm sorry l'm late

l was detained at the paper shop

Mr. Brown, l know the times are hard but do you have to deliver newspapers?

Oh no! l've bought them! They are for the students as part of their education

Well they certainly need some education

Good evening

Excuse me please! l am just this moment arriving

- Excuse me again! l go - What?

l come back

- Are you moving house? - Not at all

l am coming here straight from my work

- You've got ajob? - Yes please

l'm a travelling salesman! l go round knicking the doors

- Knocking - That is correct

- And what are you selling? - Oh blimey, everything

For a master or mistress! l show you some example

Maybe you'll be wanting to buy something

No thanks, l don't think that's my size

So sorry please!

This case is for the lady people only

This case is for the man people! And everything very good price

Look this please

You not have to be tying it

And also, if you are dropping soup, you'll be whiping it off

- lt's jolly good plastic - Yes very ingenious

- Only one pound 50p! You wanting one? - No thanks

l am telling you what l am doing!

- To you only one pound - l don't want one Ali

How about ajelly good shirt?

Guaranteed one hundred percent substandard

No thank you

Ali, you got any socks?

Plenty socks! Fifty p. Only! Plenty woolly

- Ali - Excuse, l'm serving

- l have 2 - Right, two! Money, money, money

Now tell me! Anybody wanting undertrousers? All different colours

- How much? - Only fifty p.

Ali! Please

- Ah, you are wanting one? - No

l am finding you very good pair

Lovely, lovely, lovely! Red, white and blue

Just like Union Jack

Very patriotic! No, thank you

- Have you any scarf? - Most definitely

For you only one pound! Made in Honk Kong

Hong Kong? l not buy from Capatalist state where workers are exploited as cheap labour

- Anyone else is wanting something else? - Ali please

- Ah, you are exchanging your mind - No l'm not

Put these cases away! This is not Petticoat

Just sit down everybody

Taro, sit down

Now, before we do anything else this evening, l want to find a monitor

O.K. You tell us where to look! We find one

Giovanni, a monitor is a person who can take charge of the class during my absence

Somebody intelligent enough to assume responsibility

On second thought, perhaps this is not such a good idea after all

Please l think l am making good monitor

l think we'll alternate, have a different one each week

lt'll be a good experience for you! All right, Anna we'll start with you

Danke!

- Thank you - Zank you

lf you'll hand these round and collect the homework

Ja

- Yes Anna - Yes

And from now on, l want to hear no more foreign language spoken in this class

From the moment you come in here you speak English all the time

ls that understood?

- Por favor? - No por favor

Por favor finito! English only

- lts alright - Yes

Now, have you all got a newspaper?

l'm going to ask you each to read a passage from the newspaper

Then we'll discuss it together, O. K?

Max, you start

Hamerican Embassy bugged

No Max, bugg'd

Hey, my boss! He all the time say is bugged

That may be so Giovanni but the word we're dealing with is bugg'd

Read it again Max correctly

Hamerican Embassy Buggde

Good! Now does anybody know what that means?

Ah, Taro

lt means american Embassy full of little insects

No Taro! They're not that sort of bugs! Listening devices

Jamila, can you read anything from your newspaper?

Read something!

- 8 p. - Yes, that's a start

- Late again, Ranjeet - Oh, Mr. Teacher

l'm apologising most humbly

Perhaps next week, you'll try and get here on time

l'm thinking next week l am not being here at all

- Are you leaving us? - l will be joining honourable ancestors

- You mean you're going to die? - Most definitely

l'm going to die by my own hand

lf you are wanting some assistance

l am happy to be helping

l thought you didn't like Sikhs

That is why l am happy to be helping

Alright Ali, this is not a laughing matter

- l think Ranjeet is serious - Most certainly l am

- But why are you thinking of killing yourself? - l'm forced to be getting married

You randy old chapati

You are putting some innocent lady in the pudding club

l am doing nothing of the sort you Muslim twit

All right, that will do! l don't understand Ranjeet

Why you're being forced to get married?

According to the Sikh tradition, l was betrothed when l was twelve to Surinder

The ten year old daughter of the best friend of my father

She was a beautiful girl with hair like silk, eyes like black diamonds

And a figure like a tender bamboo shoot

And now her father is saying it is time for me to be marrying her

Well if she's got eyes like black diamonds, hair like silk

And a figure like a tender bamboo shoot, what are you complaining about?

Blimey that was twenty years ago

Now, she is putting on so much weight

That from behind she is looking like an elephant

As a matter of fact, she is looking like elephant from the front also

Can't you just tell her that you've changed your mind?

Not at all! Only a lady can change mind

- l am up the creek without a puddle - Paddle

You not do it! lt's a sin to kill yourself

lt's the only call which is left open to me

- When you do this killing yourself? - Tonight

Can we come and watch?

This is ridiculous!

People don't go round killing themselves rather than break off an engagement

lt is my religion

- ln that case, why don't you marry? - That will be worse than killing myself

Go and sit down

We'll discuss whether you kill yourself or not during the tea break

Mr. Brown

There's an lndian lady in my office who wishes to speak to Mr. Ranjeet Singh

Excusing me Missy! This lady, is she resembling an elephant?

l wouldn't exactly put it like that although she is rather large

Oh blimey, it is Surinder

Ask her to come along here Miss Courtney

- That's very irregular - lt is rather important

Very well, but don't make a habit of it

What are you doing that for?

So that we can talk to her! Perhaps make her see reason

lt is not anyway possible! l keel myself

Put that knife down

Max, Giovanni, hold his arms

- Where is it? - He's not here yet

l am waiting for him in the corridor

He is promised to me and l swear by the Holy Guru he is having me

Well, what am l telling you?

Yes, l quite see your point about an elephant

Still, don't worry Ranjeet, l'm sure some elephants are very nice

Can l have knife back, please?

- Promise you won't kill yourself? - l promise

- Killing myself is not going to help me - That's the attitude

l have much better idea

- l kill her - No

- Ah, you're still there? - Yes, l am still here

- l really think you ought to go home - No, l wait for Ranjeet

- l don't think Ranjeet will be coming tonight - l wait

- ls she still being out in corridor? - Yeah l'm afraid so Ranjeet

Miss Courtney won't be very pleased when she finds out about all this

Oh, dearie me! What am l going to be doing?

Can't you just tell her you're not going to marry her

But l am not going to be marrying Miss Courtney

- l'm referring to Surrinder - Oh, no

lf l'm telling her that, she is surely going to kill me

- You said you were gonna kill yourself - That is correct

Pleaso! ln my country when a person commits hara kiri

lt is custom for besto friend to be presento

- To chop off heado - Chop off head?

- l will be happy to assisto - You will do nothing of the sort

Now please everybody, just sit down

You're here to learn English! We've had enough disruption for one night

You should leave your personal problems at home!

Now please all look at your newspapers

- Juan, read out a headline - Por favor?

- The newspaper - Si

- Newspaper? - Read something out

''lncrease ln London rats''

- ''London rats''?! - lncrease ln London Rats

Rates

Perdon

Anna, your turn

''Vestern Vorld Velcomes Vind of Change''

Vunderful! Very good

Danielle?

- ''Prime minister sold a pup'' - Good

Now that is a very good example of a figure of speech

Prime minister sold a pup

Can you tell me what it means Giovanni?

He's buying a dog

No, it's a figure of speech

Let me give you another example! Prime minister sold a dummy

- You know what that means? - Sure

- Did you understand it? - Yeah

Just one thing l not understand

Does he buy the dummy before or after he buy the pup?

- He doesn't buy anything - Newspaperman is a big liar

lt's a figure of speech

l told you it's a figure of speech lt doesn't mean what it says

Typical of lmperial poriticians who distort truth and suppress working classes

Thank you

A figure of speech is a way of expressing an idea by way of contrast or comparison

lf you are being sold a pup or sold a dummy

You are being cheated or deceived

ln England, we use figures of speech quite a lot

For example, we say 'as quick as lightning'

As light as a feather As clean as a whistle

- As blind as a... Su Lee? - As brind as a bat

Good! Because bats cannot see

- Max, as deaf as a... - Postman

- No Max, posts! Because posts cannot hear - Neither can my postman

- Ali, as sly as a... - Sikh

- Fox! Ranjeet, as mad as a... - Muslim

- Hatter! Taro, as drunk as a... - Newto

Lord is more correct

- Jamila, as white as... - You

Snow! Ali, as smooth as?

A baby's bottoms

Alright, we'll break for tea now and continue with the newspapers when we come back

Please, how am l going to be getting out without being obsreved by the fat one?

That's your problem

My problem is to get her off the premises before Miss Courtney finds her

- Look l really think you ought to go home - No, l stay

- What is going on? - What is going on?

- What is going on? - Yes, l'm talking to this lady

- Why is she here? - She's talking to me

- Why is she sitting in the corridor? - Why is she sitting in the corridor?

Must you repeat everything l say?

l could have sworn that woman wasn't pregnant yesterday

You are safe now

Thank you Jamila! Thank you

What you do now?

Maybe l can jump out of the window

You'd be lucky! We're on the third floor

Mr. Brown, l have a feeling that something very peculiar is going on

No, no! Everything's perfectly all right l can assure you

- Are you going? - Yes

To get a cup of tea

Oh blimey! lt's Surinder

That was sounding like my Ranjeet

- Where is he now? - l told you he's not here

Excuse me dearie

Are you looking for the darky fellow with a beard and a bandage round his head?

- Most definitely - He's just crawled behind those curtains

Come out Ranjeet

l am knowing you are there

Come out

What is the meaning of this?

l am noticing windows very dirty so l am cleaning them for you

l like very much cleaning windows

ln the pitch dark?

- Come in off that window ledge at once - Most certainly

A thousand apologies

l kill myself

Well hurry up! Tea break's nearly over

- l am meaning it - Go on

- l am going to join my ancestors - Don't keep them waiting too long

- ByeBye everybody - Bye

- l am doing it now - So you keep saying

This is it then

Come on! Hurry up please

Maybe l am having a cup of coffee before l do it

Ranjeet, we all know you've not the slightest intention of killing yourself

So put the knife away and let's discuss this properly

Now Surinder as l understand it

You and Ranjeet here were both betrothed when you were children

Most definitely and now he's not wanting to marry me

You can't get married unless you love each other

lt is his duty to be marrying me otherwise l am losing my face

l think she's lost it already

You wouldn't be happy together

Can't you just agree to release Ranjeet from his promise?

- And what will become of me? - l'm sure you'll meet somebody else

lf l think l would meet another man l most gladly release Ranjeet

- You would? - Most certainly

But who is going to be having me now?

You know Surinder there is something Mr. Brown is not telling you

- There is? - Oh, yes indeed

He has a special reason for wanting you not to be marrying me

- l have? - He is wanting to marry you himself

- He is wanting to be marrying me? - l am wanting to marry her?

l accept

- Ola Mr. Brown - Good evening Gladys

- When is the happy day then? - There's not going to be any happy day

lt was a complete misunderstanding

What a pity! l thought you and Surinder made a lovely couple

With all due respect, she was a couple on her own!

Good evening

Now before we start

l checked your homework last night

And l have a feeling there have been some sort of chicanery going on

We not know what you mean

Well Giovani! l'll tell you

Firstly, there's the fact that five of them are written in the same hand

lt's a sheer coincidence

And is it also a coincidence that you all answered question seven as follows

Question: Explain what is wrong with the following sentence

'My dogs is in the garden'

Answer: 'l do not have a garden'

- Give me 10 p. - l want my 10 p. Back

You will all receive extra homework tonight

And please this time make sure you do it yourselves

l am apologizing again! But l am delayed by Surinder

l thought she'd agreed to release you from the marriage now

Yes, she has! But her father is coming here to see you about your marriage now

Look, there's not going to be any wedding l've broken it off

Oh dearie me! How painful

l've written to Surinder's parents explaining that l couldn't possibly marry their daughter

l pointed out the differences between our religious and cultural backgrounds

And the fact l have no intention of marrying anyone

- He should've got the letter this morning - Oh yes he did

That is why he is coming! He is hoping to be slicing you into many pieces

Pardon?

He say you are bringing disgrace on his daughter

Don't be ridiculous! This isn't Punjab! lt's England, a civilised country

People just don't go around slicing each other up and l shall tell him so

Where is this illegitimate offspring of a six-legged camel

Blimey, l am not knowing where he is

He is not here! He has emigrated

- lsn't it time we went back to the classroom? - We okay yet - we wait for Giovanni

Come sit down Sid

- This is Sid the caretaker - Most happy to make your acquaintance

Nice to meet you

You want a cup of coffee, Sid?

- Cup of coffee? - No thanks

- l wouldn't mind a fag though - Sure you can have the fag

- Max, a cigarette for Sid - Okay

That's very kind of you!

- Sid is gonna talk to us - What is he going to be talking about?

Anything! lt's to improve our English!

lnstead of us all the time speak to each other, we speak with Sid

l think is very good idea

- What we're gonna talk about? - You'll have to talk up

l'm a bit Mutt and Jeff

Excuse me! Who are these Mutt and Jeff?

Mutt and Jeff is deaf

Scuse! What we gonna talk about?

l don't mind! l'm just happy to rest my plates of meat

Excuse please! l am not seeing any plates of meat

Plates of meat is feet

- Your feet are plates of meat? - Yes

lt's slang you see! lt's easy if you use your Uncle Ned

- l am not having an uncle Ned - Uncle Ned! Your uncle Ned?

- Uncle Ned? - Yes

- You mean he's crazy? - No but l think you lot are

- l think you're taking the mick - No

We are interested in everything you tell us!

Already you are teaching us words we not learn before

- Please teach us more - Yeah

- l'll tell you about what happened last night - Yes please

Well first of all, l had a bit of a bull and a cow with the trouble and strife

lt was all over the dustbin lids!

l went down the frog and toad into the rub-a-dub and l met my old china plate

He looked a bit Unce Dick so l get him a Jack the Dandy and l had a Vera Lynn

One thing led to another and we were both Brahms and Liszt

So l staggered back home, took off my Dickie dirt and my daisy roots

And passed out like a light on the apples and pears

Blimey l think we are better off talking with each other

lsn't it time you were all back in the classroom?

Sorry professori, we've just been talking with Sid

l've just been helping them with their English Mr. Brown

That should set them back a few weeks

- l beg your pardon? - lt doesn't matter

Alright!

We are not understanding a word he's saying Mr. Brown

He's telling us about his Uncle Dick!

Somebody called Jack the Dandy and Brahms and Liszt

He was speaking in rhyming slang

And all the time we think he's English

He is English! He's what is known as a cockney

Rhyming slang is merely using words that rhyme with the word you wish to use

For example, mince pies are eyes

- Plates of meat are feet - Yes

- l understand, Uncle Ned is head - That's right

- And what is Uncle Dick? - l presume that's sick

- And Jack the Dandy? - Brandy

- Brahms and Liszt? - Drunk

- That's not rhyme - lt's near enough

Come along, we have a lot of work to do! Back to the classroom

What is going on in here? Where is Mr. Brown?

He will be here any minute! He is coming from the tea room

Ten minutes is the normal time to have a tea Mr. Brown

Yes of course! We were discussing parts of speech

Well in future, l'd be obliged if you'd do it in the class

Certainly!

How are your students coming along with their English?

Extremely well

Good, l shall stay and listen for a few minutes

Don't worry! l shan't interfere!

l make it a practise to drop on the classes from time to time

To see what sort of progress is being made

lt's Beef Stroganoff in the cookery class tonight

- Are you trying to get rid of me? - No, l just thought you might fancy a bit

l don't, so will you please begin?

Right! For the rest of this period we're going to talk about shopping

l like him! He's very good!

- Pardon? - Shoppin! l like his Polonaise

Giovanni, that's Chopin!

He must have misheard me!

We're going to talk about shopping, buying things

l have here various items which, at some time or another you will probably purchase

So l'm gonna hold them up and ask you to identify them

And we'll see how well you do, alright?

- Now who shall we start with? Ali - Yes please

- What is this? - Apple

- Lovely! Jelly good - You're not supposed to eat it

l am most sorry! l only had a small bite

You might as well finish it now!

- Su Lee, what is this? - lt is olange

- Rrrr, Rrrr Orange - Olrange

- That's better - You really must work on those R sounds

- l tly velly hard - Try saying...

''Around the rugged rocks the ragged rascal ran''

''Alound luged locks, lagged lascal lan''

You're gonna have to keep practising

- Anna, what's this? - A paper bag

- Yes, but what's inside it? - l don't know! l cannot see inside

- lt's flour! You know what flour is? - Ja, what you wear at wedding

No, no, no, this isn't that kind of flower! This is flour to make pastry and bread

- Veismal - Yes

- Jamila - Yes

What is this?

l'm sure you're right but what is it in English?

Have you ever heard of a carrot?

- Carrot? - Yes carrot

Horse and carrot

- lncredible! - No, no Jamila

That's horse and cart! This is a carrot!

Who can tell me what these are?

- Fish fingers - Good, well done Danielle

- Excuse please - No Ali, don't say it

What don't l say?

You weren't going to say anything about fish not having fingers

- Yes please - Well don't bother

- Max - Tomato

- Good, Taro! - Potarto

- Potato - Ah so

Giovanni!

- Lime Juice - Good

- Juan - Cow Juice

- Milk - Si, milk

- Do you know where we get milk from Juan? - Si senora, milkman

- Quiet please! We get milk from cows - Si, cows! Vaca!

- Ranjeet! - Corn flakes

- No oats - Oats

So that is oats!

My friend who l am working with

Every morning he is telling me last night he is having his oats

- He is telling me he likes them very much - l'm sure he does

- Who can tell me what this is? - Bacon

- Good, and where does bacon come from? - Milkman

- Bacon does not come from the milkman - Every week l buy bacon from milkman

- Pig, pig - Are you calling me pig?

- You are a pig you ltalian ravioli - Shut your plates of meat

That'll do!

What Giovanni was trying to say was that bacon comes from a pig

lt's alright

Can anyone tell me what we call a pig after it has been killed?

- Yes please, it is dead pig! - Amazing

No Ali, that's pork!

- What is this? Anybody? - A tin of meat

- Yes, actually it's a tin of dog meat - Oh blimey, you're putting dogs in tins to eat

- l think l've heard enough - They are better than they were

They could hardly be worse!

She's absolutely right you know! Some of you are very behind

l spend a lot of time preparing these lessons

And some of you don't take them half as serious as they should

lt's time you put your shoulders to the wheel

- What wheel please? - Learning

l think you better stay an extra half hour tonight

- lt's Friday night! l got a date - l don't care

l want you to do the exercises on page 53, all of them

And you don't go until you've finished

So long!

- l've locked up the tea room Sid - Thanks Glad

- Fancy a drink Girl? - No l want to get home

l must have a pint! My throat's spitting fevers

- What was that? - l think it is somebody at the door

Come in!

Hello, is anybody there?

- Cheerio Sid! See you on Monday - Good night Gladys

lt's no good! l can't get it open

l know! Why not we smash the door up?

No, no! lt's worth a try, alright! Stand back everyone

Careful of splits!

- You haven't opened the door - l think l've broken my arm

- We are all going to die - Don't be so dramatic

Maybe we shout again

l don't think my throat would stand any more

Hey look! There's a man in the street!

Help, help!

He won't hear us from up here! Wave to him

- He has seen us - Good

He's waving back

He obviously thinks we're just being friendly

He's gone

- We are all going to die - Nobody is going to die

What we need is something to be attracting the attention of passer by

Yes, Danielle should wave from window by herself

lt still may not be sufficient to attract enough attention

lt would be if she took all her clothes off

- That's a good idea - No it isn't

Now, just sit down everybody!

We'll just have to think this one out

There must be a simple solution

And if there isn't, we'll just have to wait until somebody misses one of us

But what if nobody is missing anybody

We could be being stuck here together until Monday morning

We are all going to die

Ali, nobody is going to die! Only you is going to die

- Me? - Yes

Because if you say we are all going to die once more, l shall strangle you

There are eleven of us here!

lt is obvious that sooner or later, one of us will be missed

- Will you be missed sir? - Well no but l live alone in a flat

- But for example, take Danielle - l would love to take Danielle

l'm sure that, being an au pair

Your English family will miss you when you don't return

No, they are away for the weekend

Well Anna, what about your English family?

- Are they away? - No

- They'll obviously be worried! - No

- No? - lt is my weekend off!

- l was spending it with Danielle - We are all going to die

Ali! Taro, what about you? You're married! Won't your wife miss you?

- Wife already missing me - There you are

Unfortunately, she is with parents in Tokyo

What about you Giovanni? You work in a restaurant

- Surely your employer will miss you - Sure he's gonna miss me

- So presumably, he'll do something about it - Yes, he's gonna give me the sack

Somebody's bound to miss somebody

And if the worst happens, then... Don't worry we can survive the weekend!

We've got plenty of food and drink!

We'll just have to keep our spirits up! Try and be cheerful

Think of things to do to pass the time

- l tell ajoke! - Good idea Giovanni

We'll all tell jokes! That will help pass the time! Go ahead Giovanni!

Ok, there was this man and he has gangrene in the leg

- Are you sure this is a joke? - Sure, it's very funny

Anyway, he goes into the hospital to have the leg chopped off

After the operation, when he's come back to being conscious

He sees the doctor looking very worried! 'What's the matter doctor', he say

The doctor replies, 'Senor l have bad news and l have good news'

So, the man say, 'OK, give me the bad news'

The doctor say, 'l have chopped off the wrong leg'

Santa Maria, the man say, 'what is the good news? '

The doctor say 'Your other leg is getting better'

- Well go on - That's the joke

- Very droll - Another Uncle Ned

Does anybody else got a funny story?

Do you know it take two Sikhs to milk one goat?

- Two? - Yes please

One to be holding the tits and one to be lifting the goat up and down

And did you know that in Pakistan they have no ice

Because the man who is knowing to be making ice has emigrated

- Are you saying all Pakistanis are stupid? - No, just you

Sit down! No more racialistjokes please

- Has anybody else got a funny story? - Por favore

A funny story, ajoke!

- Chista - Ah, chista! Si, si

l'm sure that was extremely hilarious, lf only we knew what it was about!

Taro, what about a Japanese joke in English please

Old Japanese ploverb say...

''Man who seduces girl on hillside, not on the level''

Very clever!

Su Lee, what about a sample of Chinese humour?

ln democlatic repubric of China, we have no time for decadent bourgoise humour

No, l don't suppose you do!

Danielle, what about you?

- l have a French joke for you - Good

- l tell you about the catholic priest! - Yeah, that sounds better

- Yes? - Come on

There was the priest out walking and a gendarme come up and say

Father, come quickly, there is a man on the top of the Eiffel Tower

And he is going to jump!

So the father goes to the tower and sees the man

What are doing? You're mad!

Think of your family! Think of your wife

So the man says 'My wife has left me! l have no family! So l jump'

The priest, he tries one more time

So he says, lt is a sin against the catholic church

The man says 'l am not catholic'

OK, says the priest, jump!

- Yeah Anna, what about a joke? - l don't know any jokes

Professori, why don't you tell us ajoke?

All right, i'll tell you one l heard at my last school

One of the boys was sent home one day

And his father asked him why he'd been sent home, he refused to tell him

So his father went to see the Headmaster

The Headmaster said 'l'll tell you why your son was sent home'

When the teacher asked him who pushed down the Walls of Jericho

He said it wasn't me

So the father said if he said he didn't do it, then he didn't do it

Excuse please

What is the matter Ali? Didn't you understand the joke?

Yes but what l didn't understand is who did push down the Walls of Jericho?

Anybody else got ajoke? No? What about a sing song

l am knowing good English sing song all about rolling me over in the clover

l don't think we want that one! Thank you

- Does anybody know Daisy? - ls she beautiful?

lt's a song, Daisy! lt goes like this...

'Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do l'm half crazy, over the love of you'

Excellent!

What shall we sing next?

- Can't we have a rest? - l don't know that one! ls it French?

Yes, l'm sorry! Can anyone tell me the exact time?

- Three minutes past eleven - only 58 hours until Monday morning

So l said to the wife 'You're lucky, l'm still living'

What's up?

- Lord - What's up?

l must be as drunk as you are

l can see the teachers in the school waving at me out of the window

lt must be worse than l thought

l can see him and l don't even know him

l hope you haven't dragged me down here on a wild goose chase

- l tell you! l definitely saw them - lt's most inconvenient

- lt's not my fault, l lost the front door key - Of course, it's your fault you silly little man

At last!

Miss Courtney, how nice to see you

l'm afraid l can't return the compliment

Come along!

Good night

l'll go and see there's nobody else anywhere

- l'm terribly sorry - l should hope you are

- l hope it hasn't inconvenienced you - Of course it inconvenienced me

l was quite happily curled up in bed with Daphne du Maurier

l am really sorry about this

- Now what's the matter? - l've left my shopping in the class

For heaven's sake, hurry up and get it

- You're gonna take all night? - No, No, no

Well hurry up!

Sid!

Sid, Sidney!

We're locked in

Now we mustn't panic! We can last out until Monday morning! Have a carrot

Let's have a sing song!

- Good evening everyone - Good evening

- Good evening - Good heaven Ranjeet

You're actually here on time

- Yes - Well done

Yes, thank you Juan and thank you for carrying it

Yes, thank you very much

- You spanish creeper - You ltalian

All right, settle down everybody!

We've got a lot of work to do tonight

Excuse please

- Just sit down a minute Ali, will you? - No thank you

l am only coming to tell you l am not coming

- Not coming? - Yes please

You can't leave in the middle of a term

l mean you were doing quite well! Why do you want to leave?

- Oh blimey, l am coming up on the puddles - Coming up on the puddles?

- Yes please, the football puddles? - The football pools

Yes please! l am getting eight scoring draws

- How many draws on the coupons? - Only the eight l am getting

Hey how much you win?

Oh blimey, it could be half a million pounds

Santa Maria

l'm very happy for you! Because you're my best friend

He's also my friend

And mine

- l am the true friend of Ali - You?

But of course! We are practically bloody brothers!

- l thought you didn't like Muslims - l love Muslims

Especially when they are having half a million pounds!

Well, l don't know what to say Ali

l mean l'm very pleased for you of course

- l am also being very pleased for me - What will you do?

Oh blimey, l am going to bed

- To bed? - Yes please

With all that money, l'm not needing to be working, so l'm going to bed

- You mean you're going to retire - Most definitely

You're quite sure you've got eight score draws?

Oh yes, l got the copy

Here please, the ones l'm ticking off

Ali, l don't think you're going to retire just yet

- He's not gotta eight draws? - Oh yes

- He's gotta eight... he's got eight draws - Good

But they're not all on the same line!

- What difference is that making? - lt means you haven't won anything

- Notting at all? - Notting at all

Bellos!

Loco!

That is typical of that Muslim twit! No brains whatsoever

Oh blimey, you are changing tune

When you are thinking that l am very wealthy you are being my bloody brother

Don't you call me stupid you bearded baboon!

Quiet the pair of you and sit down

l presume you're staying now Ali

- l'm staying now, yes - Good

Now this evening l thought we'd try some practical use of the English language

By acting out various situations that you might come across in real life

- Now, we'll start with you Taro - ''Aso''

- Now, you are going to the bank - Banko, yes

- Where are you going? - Banko

- No, it's only a pretend bank - Pletendo?

Yeso! We'll imagine this table is the bank counter and l am the bank clerk

And you are a customer and you're coming to cash a cheque

- All right? - Ok

- Good morning Sir - lt is not good morning time

lt is good night time

Yes, it is now! But we are just pretending

- Aso, Cally on - Thank you

- Good morning Sir - One moment

- What is it now? - Are you Barclays or Midlando?

lt doesn't really matter! Midland if you like

- Good morning Sir - Goodbye

Goodbye?

Midlando not my banko! Barclays my banko

All right, it's Barclays

- Good morning Sir - Good morning

- You wish to cash a cheque? - Yes pleaso

Good! How much? Ten pounds?

- Twenty? Thirty? - Thirty

- And how do you want it? - ln money please

Yes but do you want thirty in tens, ones or fives or what?

- Can l have thirty fives? - No, that would be 150 pounds

- Solly for mistako - Not to worry

Thank you Taro! That wasn't too bad

Now, who should we have next? Ah, Danielle

You are the nicest banker l've seen

Yes, well we're not in the bank now! l want you to imagine something different

- l have a very good imagination - l'm sure you have

Now you are going into a post office and l am the assistant

- Excuse me, can you help me? - Certainly Madam! What is it you wish?

How much is it a letter to post?

- ls it someone in England? - No, no it's a Swiss letter

- A Swiss letter? - Yes, l write to my boyfriend in Switzerland

Well, it's more correct to say you want to send a letter to Switzerland not a Swiss letter

lt could be very embarrassing if you were writing to somebody in France

- Excuse me? - lt doesn't matter

l am thinking l need some extra English lessons

Maybe l could stay here with you after the class

l don't think we could do that

Well l come home with you and you could teach me a lot

Yes l'm sure l could! But l think you know quite sufficient already

- Now, is there anything else you want? - Yes but l cannot tell you here

- From the post office - No, nothing

Well alright, thank you Danielle, that will do

- Now, Juan - Si senor

- You're going to the Employment Exchange - Por Favore

- You are going to get a job - No, l already have ajob

Yes l know that, we're assuming you don't

And you're going to the Employment Exchange to get one

- As l explained to Taro, we're pretending - lt's alright

- Now, what is your name? - You already know my name

l do but the clerk at the job desk doesn't

Ah, si! Juan Cervantes para Serville

- Are you married? - Si

l married to Gina Lollabrigida

- Don't be ridiculous - Pretending

Touche', alright!

- What sort of ajob are you looking for? - Plenty money job

l see and what is the work you want to do in order to earn this plenty money?

Plenty little!

Alright Juan! Thank you! That will be sufficient

Pity, l like it! A very good game!

Thank you! Now, Ranjeet

What is it you are wanting me to do?

- You are going to the Doctor's - What is the nature of my complaint?

- Let's just say you don't feel well - But l'm never feeling better

- Pretend you have a cold - A cold what?

Alright, let's forget about the cold

- Just imagine you have a pain - Very well sir

Well go on

A thousand apologies! l am waiting for you to say 'Next please'

- Doctor always say 'Next please' - Next please

- Good morning Doctor - Good morning

- And what seems to be the trouble? - l have a terrible pain

- Where? - ln my imagination

You're supposed to be pretending it's a real pain

A thousand apologies again!

- l have a real terrible pain - Good

- Where is this pain? - ln my foot

His brains are hurting

- Your backside will be hurting in a moment - Blimey you can't even crack a pompadom

- l give you bunches of fivers - l give you bunches of tenners

Miss Courtney

What on earth is going on in here?

We were just having a few practical lessons

- What in, unarmed combat? - lt might come in useful

Well l'm afraid your students will have to do without you for a little while

- You're wanted down at the police station - The police station?

There's no need to look so guilty! lt's nothing you've done

lt's about one of your students! The lndian lady

- Jamila? Has anything happened to her? - Yes

She's been arrested for shoplifting!

Hello

Constable Wilkings?

Where the devil are you? You should've been back here by now

Pardon? No i will not send a Panda car for you

l don't care if somebody has pinched your bicycle! Pinch somebody else's

Would you like a cup of tea?

Tea, cup! ''Char''

Char, yes please no thank you! 4 sugar

Don't run away

Jamila! Are you all right?

What did she say Ali?

- ln English - Excuse me please

She is saying she is very glad we are coming to help her escape

Ask her what she stole

- Well? - Nothing

She must have said more than that

Yes please! She is saying she only took a book from the newspapershop

But the book was free

There's obviously been some misunderstanding!

l'll sort it out with the police

- Will they be sending her to prison? - No, no! l don't think it's that drastic

l'll have a word with the sergeant! Five pounds ought to do it

Ah, l'm understanding! That is a fine

No, no, no! Not exactly a fine! Let's say it's a little gift

- Gift? - Yes

lt's an old English custom! l scratch your back, you scratch mine

- You scratch my back, l scratch yours - That's right

Very well! Where are you being itchy?

No, no, never mind!

- Char - Good evening

- Good evening - Good evening

- Are you Mr. Brown? - No, he is Mr. Brown

l was speaking to him

ln that case, you were right first time

- Who are you? - Ali Nadim

No, l am Ali Nadim! You are Mr. Brown

Yes Ali, l'll do the talking, alright? You just leave it to me

Now l'm sure we can sort this out, inspector

The Commissioner looks after promotions here sir

Yes, you look like an lnspector

l'm sure it's only a question of time

May l compliment you on your station and what a wonderful job you're doing

Thank you sir

- Now about this young lady? - Ah yes

l expect you'd like to have a look at my driving licence

- What for? - To verify my identity

- You said you were Mr. Brown - Yes but you want some proof, don't you?

Look if you tell me you're Mr. Brown l accept that is the truth

- Yes but l could have been lying - Were you lying?

No, he's definitely Mr. Brown!

- He is telling the truth - Ali

- l insist you look at my driving licence - Oh very well, if it will make you happy

- ls this yours sir? - Pardon?

This five pound note was inside you driving licence

Are you sure? lt could have dropped out of your trouser pocket

Oh yes! And dropped upwards l suppose on to the desk?

Perhaps you had it tucked up your sleeves

Yes and l could have a couple of doves up the other but l haven't

lt was definitely in your licence

Yes sergeant is correct! l remember you putting it there not a moment ago

l forgot

lt was just before you said ''You scratch my back, l scratch yours''

- Thank you George Washington - No l'm Ali

Yes Ali, just be quiet please

- Now sergeant, about this young lady - Yes the accused

Remember British Justice! A person is presumed innocent until proven guilty

- And this poor lady is innocent - l know that

Just because she's an immigrant you can't go picking on - pardon?

Oh she pinched the book all right but she thought it was buckshee

See what it says on the front cover?

- Free inside! Colour supplement - That's right

- And she thought the whole book was free - Yes

So it wasn't her fault

lf anyone's to blame, it's the person who's teaching her English

lt's not always easy! Well if that's all we'll be getting along! Come along Jamila

Before you go sir

Would you like to make a donation to our Police charity fund?

Well as a matter of fact, you've caught me at a rather awkaward moment

What about the fiver?

You remember sir, the one you thought you never had

Oh, that fiver!

You know what they say sir, what you've never had you never miss

Unless you knew it was there all the time

ln which case it would come under bribery and corruption

You scratch my back and l'll scratch yours

l see Mr. Brown is not back

What are you doing at the moment?

- We are studying our English Glammar - Good

And how far have you got? Let me see your book

Giovanni, Miss Courtney would like to see your book

l want to see your book

Thank you

''The affairs of a Call Girl''

l thought it was about the adventures of a telephone operator! Honest

A likely story!

Well, until Mr. Brown returns l shall take the class

- Senora, where are you taking us - l'm not taking you anywhere

l shall ask you a few questions on general knowledge

Now first of all, can anybody tell me who said ''To be or not to be''?

- Please you just said it - Yes

But before l said it, who said it?

- Excuse prease - yes

Chairman Mao

lt may come as a surprise to you, but other people wrote things besides Chairman Mao

Chairman Mao lite everything

He certainly didn't lite - write - ''To be or not to be''! Does anybody know?

- William Shakespeare - Correct

Excuse please! Who is this William Spearshake?

- Shakespeare - A thousand apologies

Are you not familiar with Shakespeare's works?

- ls it a big place? - ls what a big place?

These works of Shakespeare

- l'm referring to the things he wrote - Scusi

Can anybody tell me what the population of England is?

- Miss Shmidt? - Ja, English

Not any longer

However, what l really meant was how many there are?

l don't know, l haven't counted them

Let me ask you a simple question

- Mr. Nagazumi - ''Aso''

Can you tell me how many P's there are in a pound?

Depend on size of peas

l think you'd better all go back to studying your books until Mr. Brown returns

He surely can't be much longer

l wish she'd tell us why she's brought us back here

She just said she was having something to show you

She is saying thank you for saving her from the police

And hopes you'll do the same next time

Well let's hope there's not going to be a next time

Free Offer! 2 p. Off each tin

- Supermark - Supermarket

They've obviously been having... Oh no!

Free offer! You haven't been taking things from the supermarket

Oh dearie me!

- You can say that again - Oh dearie me

We must be going back to see the Police Sergeant and scratch his back again

We can't do that! He'll never believe this was a mistake

Pinching a magazine is one thing

But knocking off half a supermarket is rather a different matter

On the other hand, we can't let Jamila keep all these stolen goods! lt's dishonest

She can give them to me!

- l do not minding being dishonest - Yes, l'm sure you're not

Now listen Ali, l want you to go back to the school

And ask all the students to meet Jamila and l outside the supermarket

- What are we going to be doing? - We're going to put all these things back

- Gladys, is everything locked up? - Yes Miss Courtney

By the way, l don't suppose you could give me a lift

l'm afraid l'm not going straight home tonight

There's a few things l need from the supermarket

Right, now you all know what to do! Just be very careful that nobody sees you

What are you doing here?

l suppose you could say it was an extra curricular activity

- Sir, excuse me! lt's stuck - What are you doing with thatjar?

Trying to get it out

lt's a long story, Miss Courtney! l'll explain later

Let me give you a hand

All right, l've been watching you! Just what do you think you're doing?

Would you believe we're putting things back?

- No - l didn't think you would

Well, well, well! Regular little Fagin, aren't you?

l can explain Sergeant

You're not going to show me your licence again, are you?

That's a relief

See, we were actually trying to return these goods

Ask the students

Quiet

Now look, Sergeant, lt was obviously just been a misunderstanding

l see no reason why we should pursue this any further

- l'm sorry Madam - Miss if you don't mind

Yes! Well l'm afraid l shall have to make a report out on this affair

- Now couldn't you forget it ever happened? - No

l'm sure your Police Charity Fund wouldn't say no to another contribution Sergeant

Well, we're always grateful for anything, sir

- Shall we say another five pounds? - That's very generous of you

Come along everybody

Just a moment Mr. Brown

Where are you going? l haven't made out my report yet

Yeah but l've just given you five pounds to forget it

Oh no sir

You've very kindly donated five pounds to our charity fund

- lt wasn't meant as a bribe, was it sir? - No

Good, now let's take a few names

- You Madam, sorry Miss - Courtney

- Thank you! You sir - Si

- What is your name? - Por favore

- How do you spell that? - That's not his name

- Giving me a false name, eh? - Por favore

l'll come back to you, Mr. Por Favore or whatever your name is

- You - Yes please

- What is your name? - No, Watt is not my name

l don't want to know what your name is not

- What is your name? - And l am telling you it is not

- You, what is his name? - Nein

Now we're getting somewhere Mr. Nine

- That is not his name? - You just said it was

You ask me if his name is Watt, and l tell you Nein

His name is not Watt but also not Nein

l'm going around the bend

- What is his name? - Absolutely not

Not what?

That is correct

- What is your name? - Wrong again

- He's not here - Who's not here?

- Watt - Pardon

Who is not here and Watt is not here neither

You're all barmy

Mr. Brown, if l promise not to proceed with this report

- Will you do me a favour? - Yes what is it?

Take these crackpots out of here and promise never to bring them back

Even if they've committed a murder!

Good evening Miss Courtney or should l say Miz

Please don't remind me of last night's unfortunate incident

Sorry

l hope you've explained to your lndian lady the difference between Free and Free Offer

Yes, she understands it! Don't worry, it won't happen again

Excuse me! l'm looking for a Jamila Ranjhatt

- Are you thinking what l'm thinking? - l hope not

Why do you want Jamila?

She ordered a mini bike from us over a month ago and she hasn't paid us

We've sent her three invoices

- She actually ordered the bike - Oh yes, she sent in the coupon

- Here it is - Oh no, she's done it again

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