Original subtitles

My name is Carrie Crotshore, and I am an adult writer in New York City.

I write for a famous porn magazine called Asquire.

I give dating advice and my stories about my life being single and horny in

York City.

Many of my readers think that I'm a gay man writing for women, but that's just

silly. No woman would buy that, right?

Samantha Bones is a horny smart woman who has sex with almost every man who

lives on 54th Street.

She has worked her way all the way up through 12th Ave to Park Ave, but still

has to conquer the East Side.

Apparently, East Side men are a little more picky, or as Samantha says, gay.

Harlett Pork manages an art gallery that showcases scat art.

She has had multiple showings, but constantly gets shut down by the health

department.

Morgana Nobbs is a public defender.

who makes $35 ,000 a year.

We are all super jealous of her success.

Nob failed the bar exam 20 times, but as she always used to tell her friends, 21

is her lucky number.

So how are those beets?

Oh, they're delicious.

Beets are kind of like men.

You get them stuck in your teeth, and even a toothpick can't get them out.

Well, these beans are scrumptious.

I wonder if they're made in Singapore or Taiwan.

So I have a brand new idea for my article in Aspire this month. Oh,

us. Tell us.

Since none of us have been successful with men, I was thinking... What are you

talking about?

Look at me on the picture of success.

I'm like, you know, bottled water in Tijuana.

That's really successful.

That's success.

So, I mean, we have four attractive, intelligent women.

I don't know how to say this. Spit it out.

I think that we all should just, we should just fuck each other. Like crazy.

Until like something falls off.

I think I just choked on my corn.

Listen, I love you, but I'm all about the sirloin, okay?

There is no fish on this menu.

I guess I've never thought of it that way.

Never?

No.

I'm totally giving up sex anyway.

Yeah, right.

No, no more sex. It's all about cooking.

I mean, they're juxtaposed next to each other.

And, you know, I feel like my ass has gotten enough attention.

What about my poor stove?

No, no, no. It's going to be all about pots and pans and Sim Sim oil for me. In

fact, I'm so serious about my cooking, I'm going to do it right now.

Is she for real?

in that dress.

Oh, excuse me.

I'll catch you later, ladies. I have business.

God, she's so lucky that she can make money and has that job. I know. I can't

stand her.

I think she's so unimportant. I'm a lawyer.

Whatever. Miss 35K here.

Meanwhile...

Across town, Samantha Bones tries to cook spaghetti.

Now, Samantha changes her hair color as much as I change my bra and panties.

And as Samantha says, cooking is like sex.

It's all about giving pleasure. But when you're all alone, who are you going to

give pleasure to?

We all know each other's plumbing and aware of its quirks and leaks.

If you date a girl with the same dress size, you can always share your life and

lifestyle, too.

And if you find a hot chick with the same shoe size, oh my God, then you

found your soulmate.

Get it? Soulmate.

Men are like pumpkins. It seems that all the good ones are either taken or

they've had everything scraped out of their heads with a spoon.

I always say that women are like apples on top of a tree.

The best ones are at the top. And men never want to climb up to get me.

I mean to get the apple.

It's not that me and my friends are selfish, self -involved heretics who

care about tall fruity drinks and shopping for shoes.

Is that the reason that we can't find a man?

No, it's because a rotten out pumpkin can't climb a tree.

There I was in my Mandy shoes and high -end Walmart panties strutting through

the park.

I was so sure that I would discover true happiness.

When at that moment, I would meet someone that would ruin my article

Mr. Big Cock.

At that moment, I knew I was in love.

Have you ever been in love?

Absolutely.

Squirrel!

Meanwhile, across town, my highly successful friend Morgana Nobbs is

with... Hello?

Is this Morgana Nobbs? You blew my case, you bitch. Now I'm gonna do ten years.

When I get out, I'm gonna hit you so hard in your face that it melts.

Who is this?

It's Johnny Wilson.

You were supposed to show up at my trial and you sent your mom instead to defend

me.

shopping that day.

Oh and I found the cutest little pink sandals.

Receiving the right massage from the right person is like reading a book.

You have to know the history and read in between the lines. Once you get through

the tough part, it's all worth it.

It took me a week to get through C -Spot Run, but once I got through it, I felt

I discovered the Fountain of Eden.

I think I'm going to go get a massage.

you

Meanwhile, across town, Harlett Pork decides she needs to hire an assistant

her scat art. Hiring an assistant is like finding Mr. Right. You have to kiss

few frogs before you find your Prince Charming. In Pork's case, it's like

blowing 25 sailors before you get an incurable case of gonorrhea.

You think you may be done with it, but it can stay with you for a long time.

Hello?

Did you put an ad in the number two news about needing an assistant?

Why, yes, I did.

Tell me, what is your background and experience in school art?

Well, I've studied dung art in Africa, and I have some experience in urine

sketching.

Wow, I'm very impressed, young lady.

What's your name?

Well, my name is Harry Goldenbutt.

Excuse me, did you say Harry Goldenbutt?

Um, yeah, that's me.

Um, I'm not hairy, but I do have a golden butt.

I'm confused. Isn't Harry a man's name?

Well, hold on. Let me send you my resume.

Okay.

I must say, I was very impressed with your resume.

Okay, that's good.

You're definitely hired. Are you around later today?

So, have you girls hooked up with each other yet?

Yeah.

Sleeping with your girlfriend is like taking a shit in your own backyard,

Sure, you might feel relieved, but it really stinks.

That's gross.

I'm just being honest.

So, Harley, seen anyone?

Girl or guy?

Oh.

Neither. Oh.

Why did you say that then?

I just wanted to keep the conversation entertaining and sexy.

You guys all stop.

Why? Who are you seeing?

What's his name?

I think it's a cop.

Well, he is a teen, and there is no cop.

Where'd you meet?

Well, the other day I was getting a pedicure and a manicure and a massage,

she just offered.

I mean, for a couple extra bucks.

Oh, so you paid her?

Well, it was kind of included in the price.

No one's being judgmental, honey.

What? How are your cooking experiences going?

Oh, it's fantastic.

You know, I've moved from zucchini to clams, but I just love it. In fact, I'm

meeting with my assistant tonight.

Oh.

I was trying to get work done on my article about how women should give up

hunting for deer and start hunting for fish when I just couldn't get Mr. Big

Cock out of my mind. Was it bait that I saw him urinating in the park? Was he

single? And how could I get him to notice a girl? Dating is like looking

new job. A one -night stand is a temporary position.

A broke boyfriend is a part -time job.

And love is a career.

Hooking up with a married man is like applying for a position that has already

been filled, except one may open up.

Like my legs. The key is to have as many applications out until you find the

right one.

Some call that promiscuous.

I call it women's good intuition.

Masturbation is like tuning a radio.

You don't know what frequencies you'll enjoy until you play with the knob.

Mr. Big cock.

Shoes are like men.

Some are hunky that look like a million dollars, but will treat you horrible.

While others are the complete package.

I once had a really bad corn from my hot pleaser shoes.

Listen, being a flasher is not covered under the Freedom of Speech Act, okay?

That's not a case argument.

It takes big balls to be a flasher.

I know it takes big balls, but that's not a good defense.

Look, it's finally warm again. I need to go out and express myself.

During the winter, I'd go up to women and I would just describe my cock

it was too freaking cold.

Little Johnny B. Goode needs air.

You know, I have defended you 14 times already.

How much longer are you going to be a flasher?

I was thinking about retiring, but I decided to stick it out a little more.

What? You know, your dick is not that special. The whole world doesn't revolve

around your cock.

Really? You think so?

Let me tell you, sister, my dick is so big that King Kong is going to climb it

in the sequel.

I'm getting a headache. I have to go now.

What? My cock.

All right, I'm hanging up the phone.

New York City is going to build an amusement park on my pecker.

It's going to be called the cock screw.

Goodbye. My cock is so big I can fuck a tuba. All right, I'm hanging up.

Goodbye.

I have to go get a massage.

Thank you.

Meanwhile, across town, Harlot Pork is trying to set up an interview with her

new assistant,

Harry Goldenbuck.

Hello, Miss Goldenbuck. Where would you like to meet for lunch?

Lunch? Well, I was thinking dessert.

And then, later, breakfast.

Miss Goldenbuck, I would like to keep this relationship professional only,

Oh, of course. Totally professional.

Okay, where would you like to meet?

Downtown.

Downtown in your pants.

I said I want to keep this professional only, okay?

That is the name of the bar.

Downtown in your pants.

You ever heard of it?

No, I've never heard of that bar.

Can I ask you a question?

Was your father a baker?

No. Why?

Because you have great buns.

I'll see you soon, okay?

Okay. See you soon.

Bye -bye.

Thank you.

So what's the 411, ladies?

You still cooking?

Uh, yeah, yeah. Actually, it's quite hot.

Definitely hot.

I mean, the oil.

You still paying for sex?

No. I mean, I'm not, like, paying for it.

I mean, you know, we're kind of friends now, and I think she likes me.

I mean, I still give her a little money, because I know she needs it.

Oh, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

Cool.

I'm starting to love these happy ending massages. They're, like, great.

You know, it's like, I don't have to do anything. I just show up and... I mean,

I have to work my day job so I can afford to go there, but... Yeah.

Oh, that's... It's worth it. Nothing to be ashamed of. It's worth it.

I can never do that.

Well, you must be doing something.

Mm -hmm.

Okay, spill the beans, pork.

Remember I told you I hired that assistant?

Yeah.

Well, um, I'm kind of sleeping with her.

What?! Oh, really?

Hmm. Well, I could never do anything like that.

What's the big deal on it? The big deal is, is that she works for you, and

you're her employer, and you're fucking her? Can you say sexual harassment?

That shouldn't happen.

So now that we're alone away from the other

girls, level with me. How are the cooking classes really going?

I'm only taking the cooking classes because I don't know what to do. I'm

so horny.

So I needed something to take that attention away, and now cooking is

hot. Cooking is turning you on? Oh, yes. I don't know if it's the hot steamy

kitchen or the juicy succulent meat or the hot buttered buns.

I don't know. It's all working me up.

All those buns.

Wow, well, I've been doing these massages, and they really turn me on.

But that's it. I don't want to get turned on.

Well, you've got to find some way to relieve all that excess sexual energy.

You're right, and that's why I'm going to be doing ballet at the gym.

Ballet? I love ballet.

Do you? Yeah.

Would you do it with me? Yeah, let's go.

Let's go now.

Tire, cheese, sky, cheese, grass, cheese, cheese,

cheese.

I've been looking for you everywhere.

Spring clams.

So, do you live around here?

Spring clams.

Spring clams. I've never heard of that. Is that uptown or downtown?

Spring clams.

Can I help you find something?

Tampons. Oh, tampons. I can bring you the tampons. Come on.

Tampons! Make yourself comfortable. Do you want anything to eat?

No!

Okay, I'll be right back.

A person preparing for a date is like an actor preparing for a scene, making

sure the audience likes what it sees.

And Mr. Big Cock has just bought two tickets to sit on my face and watch the

Tintin' Ass Show, which plays all night long.

Oh, Mr. Big Cock!

Dating in New York City is like apartment hunting.

Sometimes you actually find an apartment that looks big and perfect.

But once you move in...

You discover that it's infested with rats.

And it looks like Mr. Big Cock is a condo on the Upper West Side with

all over.

Meanwhile, across town, my friend Harlett Pork is thinking that she did

wrong thing. She was feeling quite guilty about being a twat bandit. Having

with your employee is like having sex with a crazy bad boy.

It's kind of fun at first, then leads to a multi -million dollar class action

lawsuit requiring tons of legal advice and draining your bank account.

Anywho, Pork was feeling a little guilty and decided to end her affair with

Harry Goldenbot.

Goldenbot?

Well, it's still shining thanks to you, Miss Pork.

Um, yeah, that's what I kind of called you to talk about.

I'm good. I can get naked in about a half hour and cover my body with cheeses

and get two spoons for two people and the dessert with the cherry on my

bunghole. Yeah, I think we should really end this and we should keep this

professional.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I was being professional. I generally sleep with all my bosses. It

kind of breaks the whole tension between worker and employee.

I could see that.

It helps me get raises, vacations, half of their homes, and alimony.

Yeah, um, this definitely isn't going to work out. We need to end this right

now. Well, okay, fine.

We will end it. Well, how about an innocent massage downtown?

The same bargain?

No, I mean, down in my pants.

Of course.

Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

Meanwhile, Morgana is getting addicted to exercise.

Or should I say, exercising her libido.

But be warned, girls, because exercising is like voting for an idiot as your

mate. You may not realize how much danger it can do until it's too late.

So, ladies, now that we had a week to think about our decisions, you know,

girlfriends versus boyfriends, which one do you think makes you happier?

I'm happy now that I got my assistant to sign that waiver.

How did you get her to do that?

Well, I was talking to my girlfriend, Harry Goldenbutt.

Harry Goldenbutt?

Yeah, I know.

Her parents always knew she'd be a porn actress, or at least told she'd be.

But I told her if she wanted just sex and a paycheck, that she had to send

special harassment waiver for me.

Wow. Well, I'm not sure if that's legally binding.

But, I don't know, what do I know?

Well, you're the lawyer, right?

I'm actually thinking about looking for a new career.

What? Why?

I hate being a lawyer.

It's like drudgery.

I'm thinking that...

I want to do something more exciting, like maybe be a personal trainer.

Or, you know, one of those girls who, like, hands you a towel when you come to

the gym.

What?

Yeah, I mean, how long can you be a lawyer for? I mean, you can work at the

until you're, like, 90.

Yeah, I guess.

Morgana, you just keep reaching for those stars.

So, anyway, Samantha, is that cooking, you know, satisfying your sex drive?

Actually, ladies, I have found an alternative to cooking.

Really? This alternative actually is very hot, quite mouth -watering,

but also a little salty.

Harry, I want to know if you've had a little salt in your life.

Have you, um, jumped off your little tuna boat to take a dip with the fish?

No, I don't know.

I'm like...

bisexual sitting on the fence, and I don't know whether I'm ready to cross

yet. No?

Well, if you don't pick a side, I think that fence might bite you in your ass.

Well, Carrie, that's your loss.

But you know, all this tuna talk has got me a little hungry, so you want to join

me, Port, for some tuna?

Sure.

Bye, ladies.

Bye.

So, Carrie, what do you say we hit the gym?

Get a little, uh, went wild.

stars and all the planets and the earth were as one the world might be better.

the stars and all the planets and the earth were as one the world might be

better.

All stars All stars

All stars All

stars

To sum it up, lesbian sex isn't necessarily better than heterosex.

But sometimes you just don't want to deal with Mr. Little Richard Nixon.

A little Hillary Clinton in the mouth is like a women's lib party in your

tonsils. A mouthful of muffs can be liberating like eating cake and drinking

Jack Daniels on the subway.

Yes, we all know the stereotype that we know each other's parts.

But it's so much more than that.

Smart, intelligent, professional women can learn from one another in and out of

the bedroom.

Sex with your friends is like moving back into your first apartment.

Very familiar yet new.

And you can spend hours cleaning the carpet.