Original subtitles

I gotta stop watching those B -movies before I go to bed.

Oh fuck, I gotta go make some money!

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Fix that.

Much better.

Continue.

Actually, what's on TV here? We're on. Okay.

Hello. I'm Adrienne Alta Vista, reporting from what appears to be an

rather dilapidated house in sedate Cincinnati, Ohio.

But tonight, a tragedy of an unspeakably violent, hideous nature occurred here.

It was terrible.

Look at me.

I've got gashes all over my body.

covered in blood.

My head is pounding. I think I'm going to have a seizure.

All my friends and their boyfriends are all dead.

But worst of all, my clothes are in shred and my makeup is smeared.

Her clothing is torn.

Her makeup smeared. Can you imagine the trauma she must be facing?

Thank you.

Sister, I feel your pain.

Thank you. If you can calm yourself for just a few minutes, try to tell us

exactly what happened here tonight. Please, be as graphic and explicit as

possible. Don't be afraid to describe the nudity and the violence in complete

detail. All right. I can try.

But first...

Do you have something I can fix my makeup with?

Oh, sure.

Thanks. All right, surprised.

Look out.

Try to tell us exactly what happened here tonight.

Don't be afraid to describe the nudity and the violence in complete detail.

Well, it all started out innocently enough.

My girlfriends were just taking a walk. You know, out in the street.

Every so often, one of our friends would stop by to say hello.

Damn,

it's cold.

Whose idea was it to come this far out in the country to look for business

anyway? It was my idea.

I'm sorry.

I thought it would be less competition.

Yeah, and less business, too. I hear these suburban guys like to party, and

have lots of disposable income.

Disposable what?

Money to spend.

Ladies, I think it's time we took a more aggressive marketing approach.

Well, after a few minutes, a Carlos tricked, uh, John, uh, our boyfriend.

Well, you know, they stopped and invited us back to their house for a little

party. You do want to party, don't you?

I beg your pardon, party?

You know what I mean.

Hot, hot tea.

Yes, my sister.

My viewers and I completely understand.

Yeah, right.

Uh, anyway.

Captain, it appears as if our vehicle has been intercepted by a rather large

-breasted female being.

There seems to be only one course of action.

Prepare to get it up, Mr. Spock.

Captain, I'm giving her all she's got, but we just don't have a big enough

budget.

He was in the car with our boyfriends, and one of them whipped out a giant

blunt. I beg your pardon, a blunt?

You know what I mean. A blunt, a spleef, a doobie, a marijuana cigarette.

My God, are you telling us that you were not only tortured and beaten, but you

are also the victim of exposure to secondhand smoke?

Go away, honey. I took that sucker first.

You see, it was going to be a long night, and me and my girls, we needed a

little mood elevator, if you know what I mean.

What happened then?

Well, after about three joints and a premium bottle of vodka, we all went

to John's house. I mean, John, who's, you know, one of our boyfriends. We went

back to his house.

Oh my god.

Do you see what I see?

It looks like a haunted house.

We're hookers. We're going into a haunted house.

Sounds like a great idea for a movie.

You mean, sort of like the one we're in right now?

God, you're so obtuse.

I am not. I'm the perfect weight for my height.

What? Wow, this place looks a lot different on the inside from the

I mean, like, from the outside it looks kind of run down.

You know, almost like a haunted house.

Ooh, what's this?

Ooh, I bet this is worth a lot of money.

You know, I hope you got this stuff for sure.

Just in case someone intends to steal something.

Borrow something for a long time and not give it back.

Maybe even years.

Actually, I don't own anything.

This is my parents' house.

They own everything.

Well, everything except my collection.

I collect myself.

I'm collecting right now.

I'm talking about my collection of...

Occult and supernatural memorabilia.

Remember what?

Stuff. Crap.

Junk. Things he has instead of a life. This is my favorite movie, Killer Sex

Queens from Cyberspace.

Let me see that.

I guess it's okay if you like that type.

This is my human head.

This is my jar of human eyeballs.

And these are some of my monster fan magazines.

And this is a container of supernatural greasy

lubricant.

I have many more interesting, wondrous, and imaginative items in my collection.

Would anyone care to see more?

No way!

Hey, anybody want to mess around?

Yes!

Mind if I borrow this?

seems to be busy.

Would you like to fool around?

Not in this lifetime.

Well, then I guess I'll just have to introduce you to some of my friends from

the next lifetime.

Not in the next life either, and I don't do orgy, so tell your friends to stay

out of this life too.

Did you know this house is haunted?

No, I wouldn't have figured that. I guess I'll just have to start a

with some of my friends from beyond the grave.

Now for the ancient incantation.

Ob -la -dee, ob -la -da.

I can't get no satisfaction.

She's mine!

Purple haze in my brain!

Come on, baby, light my fire!

Thank God I'm a country boy!

God, don't you know anything about smashing pumpkins?

Jesus, what the hell is going on in here? I'm using an ancient talisman to

conjure up friendly spirits from beyond the grave.

Why? Because I'm lonely and I needed someone to keep me company.

I rejected him.

Look at this. You really don't deal well with rejection.

Why can't you just get drunk like any ordinary nerd?

I am not a nerd.

I'm simply a fan of horror, science fiction, and the occult. Nerd!

Look, he's playing with his little Ouija board.

And that ain't the only little thing he's playing with.

Ouija board before it's too late!

How dare you disturb the rest of the vile, hideous, ill

-tempered, and excessively good spirit of a grocery store bad boy!

Now you've done it! You've conjured up something that's bigger than all - Not

bigger than me.

What happened?

Where are we?

Look at me.

I'm not naked anymore.

I'm fully clothed.

I'm sorry.

I told you not to mess with the Ouija board.

I'm afraid.

You know, I must admit, I'm beginning to feel a slight twinge of hysterical

anxiety myself.

You should be afraid, because of your carelessness with a sacred, occult

you've stirred up some vile, hideous, ill -tempered, and excessively butch

creatures from beyond the grave, who, by the way, clearly have no comprehension

of the term cinematic continuity.

Are you telling us that this entire devastating tragedy was caused by vile,

hideous, ill -tempered, and excessively butch spirits from beyond the grave?

Well, yes. That and a homicidal bag boy named Bag Job. Can you tell us more

about this Bag Job? But please, continue with your story.

Um, where was I? You were screaming.

Yes. So anyway, I don't know if it was the booth or the righteous dope, or just

the considerable stress of being in a haunted house full of hideous, vile...

tempered and excessively butch spirits from beyond the grave.

But I passed out.

She won't wake up.

Is she dead?

If so, can I have her necklace?

You know, these are nice shoes, too.

Are necklace and shoes all you can think of at a time like this? What about the

police? If they find her dead, they might think we did it.

We? Speak for yourself.

Listen, you guys.

I might not be as bright as some of you. I might not be good at metaphysics or

the occult.

I might not be good at math or science.

I might not be good at reading or writing or walking and chewing gum at

time or even dressing myself.

But there is one thing I am good at.

playing with my breast?

Well, I did it to try and revive you. You know, mouth to breast with

supplication. How does it feel?

It's good.

I liked it. It's sort of a nice thing to wake up to.

And then you fainted.

Yep. And your trick tried to revive you by... Boyfriend!

Excuse me, your boyfriend then attempted to restore you by sucking on your

breath? Yep.

So the whole experience wasn't totally unpleasant.

No, it had its moments.

But for the benefit of our viewers, could you tell us more about this bag

Well, I'm going to get to bag job. I'm just trying to create a little... you

know? You go, girlfriend.

Yeah, sure.

So anyway, we did what you might expect a group of people in a haunted house

filled with...

Hideous, vile, ill -tempered, and excessively witch spirits to do. Search

means of escape.

Nah, look for some food.

Without the ganja we'd been tooken, we all had a wicked case of the munchies.

That odor?

What's that odor?

It's the stench of decaying flesh.

The odious aroma of death.

It's a hamburger.

I cannot believe what you people are doing.

You're consuming the flesh of dead beings.

There is absolutely nothing here that I will allow myself to eat. I must resist

giving in to the euphoria.

There's no meat in this.

Eh, maybe not.

Not only were you trapped in a haunted house, but you and your Jones were

experiencing... Boyfriends?

You and your boyfriends were experiencing some kind of psychedelic

that made it impossible to distinguish between fantasy and reality.

movie. A movie.

Like this one.

Yeah. Way better than this one. So if anyone who's ever been in danger knows,

there's safety in numbers.

Together we stand, divided we fall.

Exactly. So we decided to split up. Good thinking.

God, this whole experience is making me awfully tense and nervous.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Need a little tension reliever?

Oh, yeah.

You know what I do?

What? I take a nice, long, hot shower.

Together?

thought you were in the shower together.

Am I getting any sugar? What happened to him? He seems to have been bludgeoned

to death by this.

A family -sized box of cornflakes.

Oh, my God.

A serial killer.

Boo!

What kind of twisted, macabre, sociopathic, ill -tempered, excessively

of mind could conceive of such a cruel and disgusting method of murder?

Only one.

Bang!

This man was not always a homicidal stalker whose weapons of choice are

store paraphernalia.

He was born Irving Stanley Kosnowski.

At birth, Irving Stanley showed little sign of what you and I would call life.

When the doctor slapped him behind, he didn't cry.

When the doctor shook him, he didn't cry.

When the doctor began to punch him about the face and body, Irving Stanley did

absolutely nothing.

It was his total and utter lack of animation and turnip -like demeanor that

it clear that Irving Stanley was destined to earn his living in food

management. By the tender age of 16 years, his destiny was realized.

Irving Stanley got a job as bag boy in a local Cincinnati grocery store.

Unfortunately, it's a jungle out there in these grocery store aisles.

And in spite of the fact Irving Stanley was the best bagger in the whole bagging

business, he was not very good at playing the game.

Finally, 40 years of blood, sweat, and bags took its toll on Irving Stanley.

He snapped!

The studious, hard -working Irving Stanley Kostnowski died, and Bag

Job was born!

This bag job is some sort of insane, cruel, sadistic, homicidal, evil,

deranged... Don't forget ill -tempered and excessively butch. Ill -tempered,

excessively butch grocery store bag boy from beyond the grave.

Wait till you hear the rest of the story.

What's her name? Well, she was pretty shaken up by the sight of her

Boyfriend.

So she ran off screaming.

We would have gone after her, but... Except that, frankly, none of us gave a

shit. Screw her!

Now, all you have to do is answer one question.

How do I get out of here?

First, you have to answer my question.

What's that?

Paper or plastic?

Uh... Plastic.

Anything you say.

Live fast, die young, and leave in pretty court.

Okay.

This is a fascinating and horrific story.

But given the fact that your business associate... Your friend is dead and

cannot tell her own story, and you were not actually present to witness the

scene, how is it that you know enough to tell our viewers what really happened?

Whoa, you're good.

Real good.

You're trying to ask the hard questions.

Well, you have to understand this is a paradox.

An apparent contradiction that piques the viewer's curiosity and provides the

necessary incentive to keep watching the movie.

Incentive, huh? That and tit.

Damn straight!

Oh, please.

Don't let that homicidal maniac kill me with a box of popular breakfast syrup.

Or a plastic grocery bag.

What plastic grocery bag?

Someone has just been killed with a plastic grocery bag. I can feel it.

Yeah, I think I can feel it too.

It's my breast, you idiot.

I just had a super natural hot flash of intuition.

It was like I was there watching a whole horrible thing.

Yeah, I think I'm having one of those hot flashes too.

Oh, baby, this is the moment I've been waiting for.

Welcome, shoppers.

Be sure to miss our butcher shop.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Please! Please! Not that!

Not that!

Today only for any compound.

Nice, freshly cut tube steak.

It's still kicking.

One thing I don't understand. Where were you when all this happened?

I don't know. I passed out.

What happened to your two friends?

Well, that's the really odd part. Because while I was passed out, I had a

About them.

How convenient.

I had a dream that they were together.

In a haunted house. And they were being stalked by the vile, hideous, ill

-tempered, and excessively butch spirit of a bitter, maladjusted, grocery store

bag boy. At first, the girl doesn't like the guy very much.

Well, everyone else seems to be busy.

Would you like to fool around?

Not in this lifetime.

He's kind of, well, ill -fitted to the environment. He doesn't exactly fit in.

He's a... A nerd?

Perfect description.

But in my dream, she's starting to warm up to him. What does she do then?

She performs the dance of the grocery store checkout receipt.

Will you be paying with cash?

I'm afraid I'm a little short of cash.

Will you be paying with a check?

I left my checkbook at home.

So, you'll be paying with your credit card.

Me? Credit? I don't have any credit. Then I suppose you'll have to pay

This will never do.

Clean up in aisle seven.

That's pretty funny. Clean up in aisle seven.

You've got a sense of humor. Really?

At least when you're passed out.

Do you think I could... I could parlay this television exposure into a career

the movies?

Oh, well.

I can see it now.

My face, three feet wide on the silver screen.

It's time for my close -up, camera boy.

I said my face, three feet wide on the silver screen.

Hey, quit hogging the camera, bitch.

What are you calling a bitch, you skank?

Who are you calling a skank, you slut?

How are you called a prostitute, you television journalist?

Oh,

Jesus.

I am so embarrassed.

This reporter would like to apologize for the unseemly display you've just

witnessed. Aside from the obvious hostility of this person, I must have

under the influence of the psychedelic forces emanating from this house and the

vile, hideous, ill -tempered, and excessively pushed spirits contained

Bullshit! You're just a lackey of the liberal media, selling the public

titillation in return for a big buck.

So, what's your fucking point?

Finish your damn story.

Well, the next thing I know, it feels like there's an earthquake or something.

You mean it felt like the earth moved?

No such luck, honey. It was that nerdy guy shaking me around trying to wake me

up. Wake up! Wake up! We have -

You were passed out cold.

You sounded like you were having a bad dream.

I was.

My best friend had been murdered by a vile, hideous, ill -tempered, and

excessively butch spirit of a grocery store bag boy. You mean Bag Job?

Yeah.

And you were there too.

That's right. And I'm still here.

Oh, this is a bad dream.

No, I'm here and you're wide awake.

gonna be gone, this is all gonna be over, and I'm gonna wake up in my nice

bed.

What was that?

Uh, incidental music?

Which bag boy?

Well, he just took the nerdy guy and he covered him up with all the pricing

stickers. He covered his mouth, his nose, his eyes, his ears, and

I guess he just couldn't breathe.

Excuse me.

Hello, news person.

You know, you're supposed to be interviewing me.

I'm the center of attention. What are you reading?

These are our ratings.

Unfortunately, they're going down.

I guess I'm going to have to try to attract some viewer attention.

Whoa, honey, I think you ought to leave this to the professionals.

Those are big ratings.

So I took off as fast as my shapely legs would carry me. But it just wasn't fast

enough. This bag job was right on my tail.

This is a flashback. I said flashback.

So I took off.

as fast as my shapely legs would carry me. But it just wasn't fast enough.

This bag job was right on my tail. My heart was beating like a pneumatic

pounding, pounding, pounding beneath my large, round,

pendulous breath.

He had me cornered. Tell our viewers what happened next.

I disappeared.

I was dazed and disoriented.

I didn't know exactly where I was.

But it looked like some kind of limbo in between dimensions.

A place some would call purgatory.

A kind of bus station between heaven and hell. Even though I didn't have any

idea where I was, I knew I was going to have to make a buck.

So I went with my strength.

Anybody want parties?

Hey! Hey, fella! You want a date?

It's dollar day.

I am not...

a full -figured gal with a slight facial hair problem, but I am a woman.

Fuck you. You're the shit out of me. Who the hell are you?

I'm your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,

great, great, great, great grandmother.

Okay, I get the deal here.

So what's the deal, Granny? I was about to get creamed by a vile, hideous, ill

-tempered... Excessively butch... spirit of a grocery store bag boy, I saw the

whole thing.

It was you that transported me here.

That's correct, sweetie, because it wasn't fate that put you in this

predicament. No, it was wildly judgment.

Not that either.

You're here because it's your destiny.

Destiny? What do you mean?

You see, granddaughter, there are some women like ourselves.

whose destiny it is to control men, drain them of their precious bodily

and steal away their souls. You, granddaughter, are a succubus. But

we haven't always had the advantages that your generation has. Back in my

the women were born old and ugly and hairy.

So, to control our men, we had to develop extraordinary, even supernatural

powers. These powers came to be known as the erotic arc.

Oh, hell, Grandma, I use those to pay the rent.

Yes, your chosen profession of pleasure -oriented caregiver has

allowed you to refine certain skills in order for your power to reach its

fullest potential.

Enough for you to defeat the vile, hideous, ill -tempered, and excessively

grocery store bag boy. I must channel the sexual energy of the greatest

seductress in the history of the universe.

Cleopatra? No.

Betty Page?

most desirable, most tempting, most irresistible female

sexual dynamo that ever existed on this or any other planet.

Oh, that would be you?

It could happen.

Okay, I'm ready, Grandma. What are you going to do, whack me with your magic

wand? Ah, wand.

Well, honey, it ain't exactly a magic wand.

But it's close enough for rock and roll.

Now you have the power of erotic arts, granddaughter.

You no longer need me.

So go kick that badass bag boy's butt. And when you're through, bring Grandma

back a 40 -ounce and a bag of barbecue chips.

There's good, girl.

All right, bad dog.

Time for a little one -on -one.

So get over here and get what's coming to you.

Sorry, I can't right now.

Now you have the power of erotic arts, granddaughter.

You no longer need me.

So go kick that badass bad boy's butt!

Hey, baby.

Have a sexual healing.

Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.

Me without my aspirin, I can be a jungle goddess.

Wild, savage, untamed.

You Tarzan, me Jane.

What? Too primitive for you?

Um, maybe you'd like something more advanced?

Is this an alien abduction?

No way. This is an alien subduction.

Where do I receive my rectal throne?

Beam me up, Scotty. There's no life on planet impotent.

Hey, bad boy.

Want to raise some hell?

I'm a great potato.

And I'm so fun.

Hey, bad job.

Want a little pussy?

No, thank you, dear.

I'm saving myself for marriage.

God, this is my life. As a fucking dog person.

Double your cousin.

Double your son.

Two for the price of a woman. Two hands.

Yeah, yeah.

And there you have the incredible story. This heroic young woman single

-handedly vanquished the vile, hideous, ill -tempered, and excessively butch

grocery store bag boy from beyond the grave, using nothing more than her own

skills in the erotic arts.

Sister, I'm proud of you.

And more than a little turned on.

I'm Adrienne Alta Vista reporting.

Cut!

So where are you headed from here?

Gee, I don't know.

All my friends are dead.

I've had a really bad night.

All I really want to do is go somewhere and take a nice hot bath.

I've got a whirlpool bath. You want to come over?

I just hope nothing else happens tonight.

By the way, my buzz is completely worn off.

Do you have any wine at your place?

Wine? No, I'm sorry. I never drink wine.

I've got to stop watching those B -movies before I go to bed.

Oh, fuck, I've got to go make some money.

Heroic young woman, single -handedly vanquished the vile, hideous, ill

-tempered...

No, I mean this potty.

I'll get you.

Okay, now let's do that again.

Act like you're picking your nose, Michael.

With these fingernails.

Did you get that?

Back of your damn straight.

Damn straight.

Damn straight is cool.

That and tit.

I shouldn't have put the microphone back.

No, you probably shouldn't have. I'm sorry. But you got the right idea. Oh,

sorry. I let you rely on me.

No. Oh, you run the magic.

It's not our fault. He did it. He did it.

My fault.

All right.

Focus, people. Focus.

She won't wake up.

What's my line?

Captain, I'm giving her all she's got, but we just don't have a big enough

budget.

Hey, guys.

Hey, I got the microphone. Lou, here is your pussy shot.

This is the first of two times we used it. Yeah, I know.

But we're going to use it again because I like it.

You ready?

Stand by, please.

This is my favorite movie of all time, Killer Sex Queens from Cyberspace.

Let me see that.

I guess it's okay if you like that type.

Or?

Which one is this? Is this the icky one?

Yes!

Okay, and you stay. You widen out to encompass the space. I know, but I

know if I was supposed to turn around.

I don't know if I was supposed to turn to him.

Did I tell you that?

No. Now you know.

Okay, you ready?

Action.

I'm sorry.

What was that?

It's okay to have fun. It's okay to laugh.

Laughing is a good thing.

Oh, bloody...

You should be standing there like you're upset about the whole thing, okay?

Yeah, that's why.

You see, granddaughter, there are... This is going to be

a bloodbath.

That was enough for rock and roll.

But in order for your... But in order... The bottle is in this hand.

The bottle is in this hand.

All right, I've got to put this here.

Think I'll be able to cut this into something, buddy?

All right, now I've got a big mess to clean up.