Original subtitles

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Shit, I gotta go.

Why?

Why don't you just stay here and we'll order some pizza for lunch or something.

I have class, honey.

Which one?

Human sexuality?

I could teach you that right here in bed, baby.

Mark, we already had this discussion last week and I gave in, remember?

And besides, I have to go get notes from Jack from that class and probably this

one now too since I'm so late.

You know, I really don't like you spending all this time with this guy

What are you, my dad?

Okay, fine. Go to class.

Baby, I'll stop by later.

And we can have pizza for dinner.

Okay? Whatever.

Bye, Mom.

Hey, Jack. I'm sorry I'm late. I know. I'm hopeless about time.

Was class hard today?

They handed out project assignments.

Oh, shit.

Of all the days to miss.

Don't sweat it.

I got your back.

I told him that we were project partners and that I was to pick it up for both

of us.

Oh, great.

Thank you so much, Jack.

You want to know what we got?

What, gender confusion?

You cross -dress and I document your emotional rollercoaster?

Nice try, Carrie.

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

I just think it would be funny to see you try your usual smooth, suave move in

dress. Ha, you wish.

So what do we get?

You ready for this?

Gender differences in seduction and mating.

Bullshit. I'm serious.

Oh, that's awesome.

I thought you'd hate it. Why? Are you kidding?

So easy. We just pick a point of view and use data from our personal lives.

I don't want to be on record for a class project.

Look, the professor has been pushing us to go personal for a long time now, and

with this project, it's a slam dunk.

What would our position be then?

Hmm.

Gender differences and seduction and mating, huh?

Well, it's obvious that women hold all the cards and men are just along for the

ride. Oh, really?

Mm -hmm.

And you want to see my personal data suggesting that I'm just along for the

ride?

It's just a paper, Jack.

Okay, fine.

I'll go along with your personal data supporting material, but it'll be a

conclusion paper.

Or, actually, it'll be an opposition paper, not a conclusion one.

What do you mean?

You defend your position that women hold all the cards, and I'll defend mine

that men do.

Fine.

You're on In fact, if you'll excuse me

I've got some research to do

Called sunscreen.

I never want to look old or ugly from wrinkles.

I don't think you'll ever have a problem with ugly.

You want to get together later?

Maybe grab a drink or dinner or something?

I can't later.

What about later this week?

I think you're really cute and really sweet, but I'm just not doing

relationships right now.

You have nothing to worry about from me.

I had a good time.

I'm obviously not doing relationships either.

God, Mark is such a baby.

It's like you can't stand it whenever I have anything better to do than spend

every waking moment with him.

Most guys are either exactly like that or the total opposite.

Like, you can't even acknowledge them in public without them freaking out that

you're being too clingy.

Oh, I know, and he's totally insecure.

I'm doing a project for human sexuality with Jack Bronson, and I swear,

marketing them having an affair with him is the way you get when I have to meet

him. Jack's pretty hot.

No, I'm not going to cheat on Mark with just any hot guy.

Not to mention a total playboy.

Exactly why we're just friends.

Playboys make good affairs.

Yeah, but useless in relationships.

Hey, sometimes it's fun to just get laid.

That's what I'm talking about.

Hi, Jack.

Sarah, right?

Uh -huh.

How you doing?

Good. Um, we were just talking about you.

Really? All good things, I hope?

Mm -hmm.

Carrie mentioned that you two are working on some kind of human sexuality

project?

As a matter of fact, I'm well on my way to proving my point that men hold all

the cards.

Oh, really? And you're going to do that by talking big?

Big enough to nail a hot brunette ten minutes ago.

Charming. Well, obviously you've got the seduction part down, but what about the

mating? Mating in a carnal sense?

Not a problem.

No, Jack. I think they mean mating as in a mate, as in a partner in a

relationship. What if I'm not doing relationships right now?

Whether or not you're doing relationships, you still have to be

On that note, I gotta go meet up with Mark. I'll catch you guys later.

Bye.

Don't mind her. She's having serious boyfriend issues right now.

Oh, she has issues, all right.

No.

How are you going to prove you can have a relationship?

If being in a relationship looks anything like her and Mark, I don't want

anything to do with it.

Typical.

I'm sorry.

But you're not sorry about it, are you, Mark?

You did it, didn't you?

Obviously, our relationship means nothing to you.

Look, I'm not the one that's running around studying with that guy all the

Oh, no, Mark. You're just at home studying other girls.

My God, Mark.

Why do you even bother with this charade, pretending like anything I do

to you?

Because it does. Why do you think she's here?

Because you can't keep your dick in your pants?

No, it's because you're never here.

Don't you blame this on me.

Look, if you would have just stayed home like I asked, I would have never even

met Ava.

Are you fucking kidding me, Mark?

My God, you are a piece of work, you know that?

Don't blame any of this shit on me.

Hey, where are you going?

As far away from you as I can.

Who was that bitch?

The next girlfriend.

Guess she doesn't take the hint, huh?

Guess not.

Go ahead.

Are all guys' tricks or just the ones that I know? Hey, I resent that.

Not you.

Yeah, well, let it slide. You're obviously upset about something.

What's going on?

I walked in on Mark with some bimbo named Ava.

Ava Green?

Hot redhead with a great body?

Well, from what I can see, she's not a natural redhead.

Oh, that bad, huh?

I feel like such an idiot.

I'm so sorry, babe.

It's okay.

It has nothing to do with you. It's him being an asshole.

He said it was my fault.

He what?

Yeah. He said that if I'd been around more often, he never would have cheated.

That guy is such a jackass, Carrie. He doesn't deserve you.

And you know what he said to her after I left?

I could hear it through the door.

What? He said that I just obviously couldn't take a hint.

I ought to go over there and pound that guy right now.

What's so funny?

He just never struck me as a knight in shining armor type.

Well, don't think it has anything to do with you. The guy's had a beating coming

to him for a while.

Why?

General air of superiority.

Well, he didn't look so superior with his pale white butt in the air.

Nice visual.

Yeah. Glad you can laugh about it.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that image is permanently burned into my brain.

You gonna be okay, Carrie?

I think so.

You are way better than that guy deserves.

You think so?

I know so.

Aww.

Aww.

Hmm.

Bye.

Uh...

You're leaving.

Um, yeah. I told Sarah that I would be at her place later.

You okay, Carrie?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Because I don't want things to be weird between us.

They're not.

Don't worry.

I know you don't do relationships.

That's not what I mean.

Well, trust me. Don't worry about me.

The last thing I need right now is another relationship.

Well, I'll see you later

Hey, Sarah, it's Carrie.

I need a friend and a cocktail.

Do you mind if I come over?

Thanks. I'll see you soon. Bye.

Hey. We need to start writing our paper. It's due on Friday.

Well, how can we write anything yet? We haven't compiled all the supporting

data.

Unless, of course, you've been gathering your data this whole time.

That's what this whole thing was, right?

No. That had nothing to do with the paper.

Oh, sure it didn't. I'm just more evidence than your seduction theory.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, you've still got nothing to back up the mating

side of things.

Terry!

Hello? Sarah?

Why tell me to come over if you've already got company?

You sounded desperate.

Pretty much. The last thing I needed to see was you and Tad like that.

Since when did you become such a prude?

I thought you might find it interesting.

You know, for your project.

No, Sarah.

There isn't anything about anybody's private lives that I find interesting.

Your sex life with Mark must suck.

Yeah, it does.

We're over.

Since when?

What happened?

Put it this way, you and Tad weren't the only couple I caught knocking one out

today. Oh, Carrie, I'm sorry.

No shit.

Well, what happened?

I made a huge mistake.

What? I slept with Jack.

You did not!

Yeah, I did, and...

I just, I don't even know how it happened. I ended up there and one thing

another and, you know, it was a huge mistake.

So, how was it?

You know, it's what you'd expect it to be, I guess.

How's that?

I mean, the sex was great, but that's all it will ever be. I just felt like a

total idiot afterwards, like he was laughing at me because I had given in so

easily.

You're not an idiot.

Yes, I am. And now I'm going to end up all over the pages of our project as

proof that men hold all the cards. It was a huge mistake.

So, what are you going to do then?

I don't know.

Finish the project, I guess, and never see him again to avoid the humiliation.

No, I mean, what are you going to do about Mark?

Oh. That's over. That's finished.

No second chance?

Not if my life depended on it.

Good. He doesn't deserve you.

Yeah. That's what Jack said.

Are you sure you're not going to fall for him?

No way, Sarah.

The guy sucks at relationships.

Good.

Because you know what would happen if you did.

Don't worry. I know.

Okay.

I'm sorry about earlier. I had no idea that locking in on us would be so

painful.

Honestly, Sarah, why you would think that I would find any of your sex life

a little interesting is beyond me.

Well, you don't have to be a bitch about it.

Do you do that a lot for your friends? Put on shows?

Look, just because you can't keep your man interested...

Doesn't mean you have to take it out on me.

You know what, Sarah?

Thank you for the beer.

It was about the only civilized thing you had going here.

What the hell do you want now?

Yeah.

Can I get you a drink or something?

A beer if you have it.

Where's Carrie? I need to talk to her.

Um, you just missed her, actually.

Do you know where she went?

Actually, no, I don't.

I think she went back to Mark's or something.

God, why?

Look, she told me what happened between you two.

She did?

Mm -hmm.

She's completely humiliated, said it was a huge mistake, because you're totally

wrong for her.

Oh.

Oh, don't worry.

She'll finish the project with you.

But after that, she pretty much doesn't want to have anything to do with you

ever again.

She's better.

I didn't make it up.

Of course, I mentioned how hot you are, but that didn't seem to make a

difference.

I think she's crazy, of course, because who wouldn't want to be with you?

But you better pay.

You, uh, want me to put it on your tab?

Oh, God.

I have a tab?

I've been here too long.

That should help if you only have two beers on your tab. Believe me, I've seen

much worse.

Thanks.

What's the score?

The game.

I don't know. I haven't really been watching.

Hey, do you want to sit down?

I was surprised to find you here.

I thought you'd be at Mark's place.

Why would I do that?

Something Sarah said.

When did you talk to Sarah?

I went over there to find you, but you'd left already.

Hey, I'm sorry about earlier today at your place.

Yeah, what was up with that?

I don't know. Just chalk it up to me being dazed and confused.

It had nothing to do with you.

Oh, I'm glad.

I'd hate to think that I inspired rage.

I'm sure you inspire a lot of things, Jack.

Seriously, are you okay?

You know, I've been better, but I think I'm okay.

Good.

And for the record, I was not going to use you as personal data for my paper.

Oh, well, I guess that means I should take out your seduction techniques out

mine. You started writing already?

I don't know what's funnier, the fact that you believe me or the fact that you

didn't even question that I would use your seduction techniques in my paper.

She's having the worst day of her life and she can hand out shit with the best

of them.

Ladies and gentlemen, Carrie is back.

So how are we going to write this paper?

Well, I think you had a pretty good idea, actually.

Why don't each of us write our own premise and...

Reporting data.

So, we should give each one its own heading and write the conclusion and the

introduction together?

Exactly. See, great minds do think alike.

Of course they do.

So, my question is, how are you getting along in collecting data on your

premise? That guy's with all the cards?

Not so hot.

What about you?

Let's just say...

faith in myself has been a bit shaken lately.

I told you that had nothing to do with you. Believe me, I know.

How do you know?

It's a guy thing.

If I tell you, they'll take away my membership card.

Jack, I don't think your guy membership card will ever be taken away.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hello?

Carrie, it's Sarah.

Hey, what's up? It's Sarah.

Listen, um, I'm sorry about earlier.

Yeah, I'm sorry too.

I was just mad at Mark and I took it out on you.

I mean, me and Jack are discussing it right now and I'm getting over it pretty

rapidly. Did Jack tell you about us?

No. He didn't mention that after you left he basically came over and seduced

No, he didn't.

I'm surprised. I thought you guys could talk about it for your project or

something. You didn't... Tell me how talented he is.

Hey,

I gotta go.

See you tomorrow?

Yeah, huh?

Bye.

There you go. Thank you.

Hey Hank, is there a bathroom in here that doesn't have a backed up toilet?

It'll be that way.

Can you show me?

Sure.

I'll be all right.

All right, put the bathrooms in there.

Right there.

I was wondering how long it would take you to get back here.

Yeah, well, it's about time you showed up.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yes.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, there's more where that came from.

Not tonight, there's not.

You okay?

Yeah, everything's fine. Why?

I don't know. You looked like you may have needed some help back there.

I didn't need any help from you.

Don't get all coy with me now.

You're the one who started this.

Started what exactly?

You know you want to fuck me. That's the whole reason why you brought me back

here. Listen, buddy.

I had to pee. That's it. Get over yourself.

Hey! You don't tell me jack shit.

Yes, she does.

Now let go of her.

No worries, man.

You can have her.

She's not yours to give, jackass.

You okay?

Come on, let's get out of here.

Where do you want to go?

Can we go to your place?

Of course.

I was such an idiot, and I got myself into that situation.

I just wanted to get back at you for sleeping with Sarah.

She told you?

Yeah. She rubbed it in is what she did.

Oh, Carrie, I am so sorry. When I went over there, I had no intention of making

that happen. I just wanted to find you.

And I was stupid for trying to erase the feeling by doing the same thing to you

with that jerk bartender.

God, I'm glad I didn't do it.

You know how I told you that Mark's affair had nothing to do with you?

Yeah.

Well, I know this because I just did the same thing.

But we're not even in a relationship.

Well, maybe not officially, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be.

And because I feel the way I do about you, it makes it wrong for me to do what

did with Sarah.

What do you mean the way you feel about me?

I want to be with you.

I have since the day we met in class.

You want to be with me?

Yeah. And not just for sex, either.

I mean, at this point, you're pretty much my best friend.

I think you're totally gorgeous and sexy and smart and funny.

I like spending time with you.

You're a jackass.

Why? Because you slept with Barry.

Fine. You're a bitch for wanting to have sex with that dumbass bartender.

Well, I'm over it. Are you?

Definitely.

Good.