Original subtitles

Welcome to Erotic Survivor. I am your host, John Bacchus.

On Erotic Survivor... What is Erotic Survivor, you may ask? Simple.

Eight people, two tribes, one winner. And the grand prize?

Twenty dollars.

What are the rules of Erotic Survivor?

Simple. Eight people will be divided into two tribes that will stay on this

deserted island, Titty Cock.

out in the Pacific Ocean.

They will try to eat, drink, and find shelter to live off the land of

Within these three days, they will be subjected to three challenges.

The best out of two out of three will go on to the ultimate erotic survivor

challenge. The losing tribe will then get to vote who becomes the ultimate

erotic survivor.

One person, three days, $20.

Now, let's meet our contestants.

You know, basically what I do all day long is, you know, I work on my

spirituality. You know, I sit on the bed of nails.

I got a few scars. Want to see my scars?

I'm originally from Trinidad.

Came up to New York. Been living here for like the past five years.

Just my whole life growing up was just survive. I mean, you did anything you

could to put bread on your table and put clothes on your back. I mean,

everything. It basically was survive.

I mean, I grew up in the woods, and I have a lot of experience of walking

around, getting lost in the woods, finding my way.

I've been pretty actively involved with the church since I was a baby.

I'm going to win the $20 because I'm the toughest bitch here.

I was born originally in Detroit, Michigan, but they threw me the Delray.

I work in the censorship department, and my reason for coming on the

Survivor show is because I want to show that there can be entertainment without

sleeves.

Okay, attention, survivors.

I'm glad you all made it ashore, even though it seemed it was very messy and

dangerous and whatnot.

But how we're going to start this, let's start off with two tribes.

Let's go with you on one side. You stay here. You stay here.

You girls should be on this side.

Hey, this way, Christian.

Sir, you're in here.

And sir, you're in here.

We really shouldn't touch it. Thank you. Okay, so we have the Punani tribe

on this side, and we have the Hehunani tribe on this side.

Hehunani! Hey, Punani!

For three days, all you're going to have is what you have in your hands right

now and what's on your person.

And you're going to try to live off the land for these three days.

And within these three terms, there will be contests.

in which people will win or lose, and we'll decide at this who will be the

ultimate survivor to win $20.

$20!

I want to win.

$20. I suggest that you people go out into the forest, start building some

of home, and find something to eat.

Good luck.

Let's go, team. Let's go find some beer.

Beer.

So, where are you guys from?

Jersey.

I am prepared to win that $20 anything I possibly can.

I mean anything.

Well, my whole strategy is that I'm just going to fuck everybody.

Um, uh, basically, uh, I was just a go -go dancer.

They've never been with a girl like me before, so I don't know if they're going

to be able to handle it.

Would you think that buffalo are indigenous to this island? I heard

chips make good food.

I'm going to miss, like, having orgies.

Well, I have some ideas. I'm thinking about getting all the girls together.

those guys off the island.

It's about competition.

They won't know where I'm coming from, but I'll always know where they are.

An idea.

Like, what would...

This would be a good house.

Uh,

no, it's not a fire room, and it doesn't make a shelter either.

I'm not the leader. They seem to look up to me, and that's fine, because I'm

used to guiding people.

I make them feel like I'm a cheerleader, when in fact, there's not one of them

that I like or trust.

I don't know if it's an edge. I think that the planets are aligned, and

increasing my energy.

We shouldn't just build a shelter, we should build a temple. Ward?

Well, my name's Ward. Ward, I'm Christian. All right, Christian. And,

do me a favor. Yeah. And just keep your Jesus jokes down, because I'm... Oh,

yeah, man, I like Groovy. He has nice sandals. He is very groovy.

That's a good word.

It's like, you know, we got national coverage here, you know?

I should hope that the human race wouldn't let me down, right?

I've got a curtain for it.

There's a curtain by putting leaves.

I think that somebody who is pretending to be for the group, like I am,

is the biggest threat.

Here's the door. All right. But I'll keep it open. I'll put it back on when

get in there. Go ahead.

Go inside.

Show us how much shelter there is in there.

Wow.

That's good. Now close the door.

Wait. I'm going to try. Wait.

What makes you think you could probably win the whole competition?

Lennon's head.

Okay, cool. I don't see any animals getting there. Okay.

Oh, shit!

I feel that my path is a righteous one. I'm trying to lead these young people

along with me, which I think I'm doing and will do. I think that they'll

remember me when this is over.

The one thing I bought on this island for survival, let me see. I bought my

lotion.

Never know when you need to, like, slip into tight corners.

Whiskey is a personal item that I hold dearest to my heart.

More whiskey. I brought cigarettes.

I brought with me a Chinese menu so that if I win the $20,

I'm going to buy everybody dinner because that's what a real good person

do. Well, I brought some ice, but...

It may not have been the best idea in the world. It seemed like it made sense

the time to bring ice on the island. I figured if I wanted a cold drink, I

couldn't get it without ice.

Well, we just got on this island. We've probably been here for like a half an

hour. I'm doing the things that we're supposed to be doing, making our little

house, our little hut, chopping down trees with my dildo and stuff.

Thing's big, so, I mean, just going to bat it.

I got so horny.

After 30 minutes, I just had to come out here and get myself off because I just

can't go that long. I mean, they're going to have to wait. They're going to

to understand. I just can't wait that long.

Quick and fast, you must keep pace.

If you are too slow or lose faith, you won't be able to win the race. So grab

your clothes and pack your case.

What?

Faith.

Okay, wait. Faith. Hey, man, that's you, man.

That's all you.

That's all you. This is written for us. We can do this. Yes, it is. But I want

to do it as a team.

Maybe we all have to switch clothes when we're racing or something.

Attention,

erotic survivors.

Okay. I know you're kind of anxious about what is going to be the first

competition to win the $20.

Okay.

It is a relay race in which one team will get one dildo and

another team will get another dildo.

Okay. The rules are this. When you hand the dildo to your teammate, you have to

tell something about yourself personally, like a personal tidbit about

It could be sex. It could be the weather. It has to be something about

before the person could pick up the dildo and go to his other teammate.

Okay. And it has to be a complete sentence. You can't say, let's say, if

135 pounds, you can't say, 135 pounds, you have to say, I weigh 135 pounds or

whatever.

So maybe you guys want to meet who's gonna go first out of that what order

you're gonna do so Two

people

on each side guys

Complete sentence. I know you're already experts on this, but a complete

sentence. You're right. Try to keep a straight face.

Yeah.

And the winner will win the John Bacchus Tiki.

All right!

Okay, we are starting on this side.

Who wants the first dildo?

That's trouble.

Hold the bait.

We're starting on this side.

Take the dildo.

Christian. Christian, all the way, man. Do you see the finish line?

Ready? One, two, three, go!

I like to lick apples!

Three months old when I had my first communion!

I think we won fair and square. I was like, I love tits, and I handed it to

What was your line?

My line was, I subscribe to Delia's catalog.

How did he finish that, dude?

I went like this. I subscribe to Delia's catalog.

I went, I love tits.

You know what? I just went out.

He ran faster than you did.

No, he didn't.

Dude, I swear to God, I saw him behind me. What race were you watching or

participating in? Hey, you know what? No, no, no. The Delmo race?

We're going to kick your asses now.

Congratulations, Hey Who Natty Tribe.

You won the competition.

Yes!

The year is won!

The year is won!

The other team, I can swear, that guy was behind me about at least two steps.

And I had a short line.

And I'm like, okay, what happened? Everybody looked confused on my team. I

we won. I don't care what anybody says.

You know, they cheated.

That's what I think about it. You know, I don't have the best back.

My team is not physically competitive, to put it one way.

And I was shocked.

I was shocked, shocked, shocked. But I knew the intent, you see. And I think

intent is everything.

And I think our intent is so focused that I don't know if that's what drove

and allowed us to win this game. But I was personally, I was really surprised.

They weren't surprised, but I don't know if I believed them.

My team was not focused.

You know, I'm focused.

They're not focused.

The problem is they're too preoccupied with sex right now.

My team, everybody's really into it, you know? The other team seems a little,

like, selfish.

I mean, we put Jade in last because she had the long legs and she's like, yeah,

I can run.

You know, we had it, man. Like, we were winning.

And then I don't know what happened, you know? She lost it for us.

What?

I slacked off?

Misty said this.

Okay.

Just like the clue said, have faith and you'll win. I have faith, and I always

have had faith, so I knew I would win.

I'm just happy to be out of my hometown.

This is fun for me. I mean, I get to hang out with different people and get

have a lot of sex, and I don't really care.

And I'm going to take it.

It begins to take.

You know what I'm saying?

You know, we talked about it in the beginning, and I tried to play it off

you know, it doesn't really matter, but it matters to me.

Think how much that $20 will buy you when you get back to Ohio. Yeah, it

be great, because then I could buy myself a lot of beer, but then the

gone, and you've got to go find another $20.

I don't know. They're so preoccupied with sex, and maybe that's what we have

do, have more sex so that they can then focus on the game.

We're going to win the next one. I don't care.

You know, I'm doing it for me. You know, fuck my teammates.

What do you think about Darren Keane walking around the island naked all the

time?

That's her path. She's chosen to follow it.

But I think it's a little shameful.

No, I think it's cool that, you know, she's still, like...

Open and comfortable with herself that she can just walk around and she's not

embarrassed like most people would be embarrassed But you know we're in the

middle of the woods. I mean wait no one cares, and it's fun, and it's freeing

And you kind of I mean it's better than wearing clothes. They're so

uncomfortable anyway Why am I holding naked because I love to be naked. I mean

who needs clothes.

There's nobody out here. It's just us To be here for three days

No, I can't stand the man. Who cares?

I don't want to be obnoxious or force my beliefs down her throat and tell her

that she shouldn't be doing that. But I have mentioned it to her a few times,

but it doesn't seem to help at all. So I don't see the point of continuing with

that.

We were walking along this little track to get to a little river.

There's got to be some fucking tapioca on this island.

Help me. This looks like a tapioca tree.

You got it?

whoa all right you know what that's not a tapioca yeah i don't think so it's

just too hard and uh she found some tapioca you know and i'm like what's

you know so she's like here taste it hey oh my god it

is tapioca now here we are we're gonna be feasting like queens and everybody up

there is gonna be eating rats don't they feel like losers they should have

listened to us yeah but what is tapioca i really don't know

That felt good.

Let's try it again.

She's like,

pushes at me and like a little bit like falls off of my breath and she licks it

and I'm like, ooh!

started like smearing it all over her

hey hey hey

Hey.

Oh.

Hey. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Day two.

The Heihunani tribe has won one contest already.

That means the Punani tribe... is one more contest to be voted off the island.

Spirits are low and food is scarce.

Come on, girl.

It's getting dark.

We've got to get this house dark.

Man,

this is going to be a great house.

Maybe I could cook some bugs.

We've got to find bugs to cook bugs.

The only thing I see is mosquitoes.

We've got...

Four brains working here. We should be able to figure out how to get some food.

I mean, this is the woods, right? There's living things in here and people

living things, right? There's got to be plants that we can eat. Yeah.

Like what?

Grass.

Hey, you guys need any more wood?

Not unless you want to build a second story.

Brunching and munching, it's great to win.

Try not to get any on your chin.

To find the prize deep within.

You must find a way to break the tin.

Oh, we're going to win this one. We are going to win. Come on. Huddle, huddle.

Ready?

One, two, three, pussy!

Ow!

Spam. Spam. Spam. Yeah. There's a can of Spam. Universal.

Universal can of Spam.

Okay, Hoonanny Tribe, why don't you step in here?

Okay.

So, Hoonanny Tribe, you lost the last one, but you have a chance to redeem

yourself. Competition is this.

Tin cans.

Using whatever you have to use on the island to open them up. And the first

to open up wins this round.

Wait, hold on, man.

There's no way to hold on, okay?

You're a neurotic survivor, that's it?

I'm neurotic?

And a neurotic survivor.

Okay, ready?

Survivors ready?

Yes. I'm going to count to three. When I say three, grab the can.

Ready? One, two, three, go.

No, no, not the can.

Open,

open, open.

Okay,

hold on. Is that beer?

Drink that shit. Drink it.

Drink it. Drink it.

Drink it.

We fucking won.

I won.

That's all that matters. We won.

The Nanny Tribe has won this round.

We are tied. We have a tie game.

The people who win the next competition will be the team that goes on to the

final round.

Right. We drank it. We drank it.

Brunch. In the thing, it said lunch, eating, ingesting.

Open the can and drink it, I thought. You can't make your own rules.

You didn't do it the way I thought it was supposed to be done.

And that's, that's why, that's, that's what you're, you know something?

Satan, open that can for me because I asked him to.

Satan. Satan would do anything for you because Satan wants to take control of

your soul. Get out of my face, I swear to God. Get off my bitch. Get off my

bitch.

Woman? Woman?

Woman is okay.

Come on here. Come on. Come on. It's okay.

All right?

Suckers!

Right on!

Oh, that's real scary.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

baby, bring it on!

He's scared because he never saw one of those before. I know.

Yeah, that's what you're scared of. You never see one of these, right?

Take a good look. The last time you'll ever see one, baby.

You look a puppy.

What's wrong with you?

Oh, gosh. Oh, no.

Wait. Don't call me a puppy.

I can't bear to be called a young animal.

Well, let me rock you in your head now.

Is that how you have to rock?

I'll be like... Stay over there. Get over there!

I don't recall them wiping anything off their chin.

You know, yeah, and it wasn't even beer. Not food, anyway.

Not anything that was decent!

Well, we lost.

You want to know if it surprises me?

Is that what you're asking me?

It does not surprise me, because basically I am with a bunch of losers.

And we're all in it together. I mean, they might win, we might win, but we're

all winning.

So we're going to do it. We're going to win, and we're going to say goodbye to

those losers, especially those hippies. I hate those hippies, man. They smell.

I think we owe that victory right there to Esmeralda.

And as far as I'm concerned, she's...

She's my main lady now. She's my woman.

And I'm going to let her know later on tonight.

Darian didn't think that she could win. She was really negative,

you know. So I just took her behind a tree, gave her a head, and then she was

ready to compete, you know.

I know how you people cast these guys.

I mean, breaking open a goddamn can and I'm with three guys and we couldn't do

it? We have goodness and virtue and

spirit on our side, and they have Satan

and lust and desire on their side.

You just, you have to be shady.

That's what you got to do to win.

You lost the competition.

How do you feel about that? I mean, what happened during the competition?

When I'm told to look at a movie and cut out the offensive scenes, this to me

was just as offensive.

This is unfairness.

So in the next game, I don't know, I think if I can somehow bring up the

of my group, then we have a chance.

I didn't lose.

I didn't.

They all bring me down in their own way.

They all bring me down in their own way.

And yet I have to keep this facade, like we're all together and be nice.

And it's just, it just, it makes me want to just give up before we start.

A bunch of little girls running around with no clothes on and large egos. And

really, you know, just.

We're still going to win. I can feel it. I just know it.

That, uh, that Jade, you know, she just, you know, Darian's.

Nude gallivanting is nothing compared to that woman's attitude.

I think the only reason these women won is because they have practice opening

condom wrappers, which is very hard. So you have to get, you know, your

dexterity going. And maybe that's why they win. You know, maybe that's that

repeated action of, you know, being a whore.

I am definitely one to hold grudges on people.

I've already made some pretty firm decisions about who I like on the island

who I want to see rot.

So what do you think you're going to be able to do in the final round to win?

Do you think being sober would be a good thing?

Why was it that we lost if it seemed so goddamn clear that that was the point of

the whole contest?

Break it open and drink it. That's what I said. Nobody corrected me.

Okay, you know, you had a real negative attitude last time we interviewed. What

do you think now?

Well, it's not really a negative attitude. It's great that we won. Like I

whatever.

I'm having a good time. That's all that matters, right?

Aren't you at least a bit excited now that you won? Yeah, I'm really excited.

That's great. But I want to get this over with and go out to some woods or

something. I only got another day or so or whatever here or whatever it is.

I'm not here for very long.

I'm as much fun as I can. These people are so off on their trips.

I mean, they're just, they're here to have fun, and this is not about fun.

is not fun.

As a philosopher once said, you know, don't put all your babies in a basket

without knowing that you have them all there first.

I don't know, it was kind of a weird connection right from the start, you

We really bonded.

And it was really cool to just kind of sneak away from the other survivors, go

off into the woods and, like, mingle around a little bit.

Kind of like a big secret.

It felt like out of a movie or something, you know.

I'm so ticklish.

Are you ticklish here?

No. Here?

You like it.

You know, we probably shouldn't tell anybody about us.

You know, wandering around, just the two of us.

Why not?

Well, they might think something is going on.

Yeah, but we probably could take advantage of it.

And maybe get some people off the island if we stick together.

Like in the line?

Yeah.

Sounds like a good idea.

Right now we should just play around.

A little romance there, but it's all in fun.

Are you getting a little horny?

Hey.

Yeah, I hope that we stay in touch.

I really do.

She's really cool, and I've really bonded with her.

But who knows? I mean, after the show.

This is it, ladies.

Hold on.

This time, you must use your brain.

Those that don't will lose the game.

Some may be offended and refrain.

Those that do have nothing to gain.

I think it's something to do sexually.

Yeah, it's something that's raunchy or something. Yeah, because they, you know,

and refrain.

Some may be offended and refrain.

Hey, hey, hoonanny tribe, come on over.

All right, this is a competition using your brain.

The team that wins this contest will go to the next round. The team that loses

will become judges to decide who will be the final erotic survivor.

Does everyone understand that? Yes. Okay, so if you lose this round, this

you're off the island.

You got a candy bar in there? Get away from me. Okay, so we're going to do a

questionnaire, okay? Okay.

Here's one pad for one team, one pad for the punani team.

One marker for the hehunani team, one marker for the punani team. I'm going to

ask 15 questions, all relating to sex.

Okay? You will get a point for every correct answer.

Those with the most points will be the winner of this competition.

Okay. When I say, ready, erotic survivors, to turn your sheet over, You

turn over at the same time when I say so. Is this understood?

Understood?

Very good.

First question.

What is the average length of an erect human penis?

They get six.

They get six. Five is considered small.

Pinky. Five is Japanese.

Five is Japanese. That's it.

Four is Chinese.

Six is America. And the pinky is trouble.

What does that have to do with China?

Six inches. I haven't had sex with a man in a really long time. Well, I've seen

a lot of cock in my day. Me too. I'd have to say it's six. All the cocks I've

had were six inches.

Okay, the easiest way to do it, let's get a representative from each tribe to

come up and to flip over their answer.

Okay, flip over your answers.

Six. Six inches.

Six inches.

You're both correct.

One point to the Hehunani tribe, one point to the Punani tribe.

Please return to your tribes whilst I ask the next question.

What is the number one rated subconscious way to attract the opposite

I'm looking for an activity, like something you would do to attract the

sex. To attract.

Attract, not abstract, because that would be... Banani, please reveal your

answer.

Eye contact, no.

Also, eye contact, no. The correct answer was whistling.

These answers.

You don't know anything about... You obviously have never picked on anyone.

You just walk around going... You think I came up with these answers? These are

scientific answers from the Internet.

Science is making up who never gets laid. Okay, okay, okay. This should be

easy one, a true or false question. So why don't you get it right, maybe get it

both wrong. I don't know, but it'll be easy for you.

True or false?

Hitler outlawed gay men, but not gay women.

True or false?

Okay,

Punani, show your answer.

True. And Punani gets a point.

Next question.

Since we're talking about Hitler, besides Hitler and Napoleon conquering

Europe, they had something else in common. What common thing did they have

the waist?

Okay, the Heihunani tribe. Show me your answer.

Missing one testicle. And the Punani tribe?

Impotence.

Yes!

Question number seven. What is the average length of an erect elephant

Three feet, because... Wait,

wait, wait. No, because that's three. That's the Father, and the Lord, and the

Holy Ghost, and the Spirit, and the Spirit.

Okay, what is your answer?

Please turn it over.

30 inches.

And hey, Hunani, three feet.

Guy should have been more generous. Six feet.

The elephant is a very well -endowed creature. We're closer. We're closer to

you. It doesn't matter.

We're closer.

It doesn't matter.

Next question. In the United States, Hawaii is the lowest age of sexual

What is that age?

That's what I was thinking.

I lost my virginity when I was 13.

Okay.

Hey, Hunani, please turn it over.

14 years.

Okay, and Hunani, very close, but hey, Hunani, you get the point.

The term scumbag was used early in the century to describe what?

Please show your answer.

Douche. Panani.

A used condom. Very good. Panani gets the point.

I got it, girls.

Yeah. Awesome.

Thank your mom.

I'm more concerned about the fact that you do that. You know what? They should

know. They should know. You know a lot about the stuff you do.

If I win that $20, you would have wished you were a slut.

We have a tied game, actually, three to three, okay?

This is a true or false question.

True or false, cats do not have sexually transmitted diseases.

How do they do this? Because they have clean vaginas.

I like to have them like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everybody like this.

Everybody true.

Yeah, true.

It's time.

Okay, once again, the question, true or false, cats do not have...

Sexually transmitted disease.

Turn it over.

False.

False.

It is false.

They carry feline herpes.

Point to both teams. What is genophobia?

Genophobia. Fear of Gentiles.

Okay. Panani, turn your answer over.

Fear of orgasm.

Fear of genitals.

I'm going to give you both a point because the true answer is fear of sex.

Okay, next question.

The condom was originally made of what material?

Sheep intestines.

The animal byproduct, it's got to be more specific.

Intestines is right there. Sheep intestines.

All right.

We have it.

It's got to be sheep. It's got to be specific.

But they weren't specific.

Specific.

Specific on the last question you got to answer, right? So did you. So, sorry.

Sorry. I told you. Sorry.

Lard is an animal byproduct.

No, I love a snappy comeback.

Okay, true or false question?

True or false? A sex change has never been performed in Ireland.

Okay. Hey, Hunani, please flip over your answer.

True, that is correct.

Hunani, please.

Wait, wait, wait, did not see.

I assume it was false.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Well, okay, according to this, the Hehunani has one, two, three, four,

six, seven points. And the Punani tribe has one, two, three, four points. The

Hehunani... Punani tribe, please stand up and be...

Okay,

I'm sorry, Punani, you lost.

But we will see you later as the jury in the final rounds.

Take care.

Bye -bye.

Some of the questions were unfair, like the

questions about Hitler. We don't know those answers.

But we know the ones about cock, how long those are, and things like that.

Well,

you know, I'm really just upset since the beginning.

The 20 was not the issue.

And if I ever pretended to care, it was just an act.

I acted a lot. I pretended.

Pretended a lot of different things.

What are you going to do now?

Well, I'm just going to go home and have an orgy.

That's my price for losing.

So many of the questions, we were this close.

That's why I think it was unfair, you know?

Making us look stupid.

Like we're just these girls who like to have sex like we don't have brains. But

we have brains.

My chances are good, I think.

Unless some of the, you know, cranial impaired

be fit to vote me off. I can't really do anything about that. I wouldn't be

surprised if that was the case. Obviously, they're not too happy with my

little...

A little bit more cultured than they are, if that's the word.

Damn, I hate Christians.

That one in particular.

What are you going to do when you get on the council? Are you going to be very

vindictive? Oh, yeah, you betcha.

It seemed like you didn't even care about the last round.

Oh, I didn't. I just didn't care at all. I just didn't want to lose because I

wanted to be able to hang out with the girls and stuff. They were a real big

fan.

And so now I've got to go back home and do the same thing I do here, sit around

and do nothing, have nothing.

The main problem is that my flask is only half empty, and it used to be half

full.

I ate a lot of pussy.

I had mine eaten, too.

So it was worth it.

It was a lot of fun.

Had some really good times, you know.

And had really good sex.

Really good sex. So I guess that made it all worthwhile.

We won, and, you know, I'm really excited about that because the guys are

I mean, these guys are the best guys. I can't even tell you how happy I am that,

you know, these are the guys on my team. They're smart. They're good. They're

good. I'm excited. They're great guys.

So what are we going to do for dinner?

Let's eat out.

Whoa, there goes the food.

Whoa. Got him.

All right. All right.

Good one.

How do you eat gorilla?

I don't know. Medium.

Medium. Medium. Well, I don't know.

What the hell is evolution?

It's good, though.

I can't make it far.

Laugh day, day three, erotic survivor.

The Punani tribe has been voted off, yet stays on the island for gratuitous

orgies. Meanwhile, the Hehunani tribe has to decide who will be the ultimate

erotic survivor.

Oh, wow, look.

What? Volcanic mud.

Makes it warm.

I heard it's great for your skin.

Oh, well, um, earlier today the girls and I were walking around the island and

we found a big pile of mud and we all proceeded to jump in and go at it and,

know, at first I just thought maybe it would be real good for my skin.

It's really good for the skin, you know. It reminds me.

I have some bug bites on my ass.

Ooh, let's put some mud on it. Let's smear some.

Ooh, look.

Woo! Oh, yeah.

Oh, this

feels great.

I still make my pies.

I only make pussy pies now.

You want to see how to do it? It's so cool. Check this out.

Oh,

see, now you're doing it. That's the way to make the pussy pie.

Oh my goodness.

go

Yeah.

Yeah, we all went to town and had a good time.

But I think we should all vote for Christian. I don't think you should vote

me. Okay, we're all going to vote for Christian. Including you?

I'm going to vote for Christian. You're going to vote for Christian.

You're going to vote for Christian. It's like we're all like blades of grass and

he's the tree.

And he has a nice level of censorship.

Exactly.

He's spiritual.

You guys like that? Exactly. He's censoring. Exactly. I like that. And

-judgmental. Non -judgmental. Only towards the girls, but fuck them.

Christian, listen.

We're still on the plan that you have to win. Okay.

Well, what's happening with the Hey Who Nanny tribe now is we've had a vote

amongst the four of us, my teammates and I, and we've decided it would be best

for everyone involved, seeing as though I am morally and intellectually the...

most superior person in the group, if I were to win the next challenge. And when

that happens, we're going to split the $20 four ways.

I'm going to get eight.

My teammates are each going to get four each.

You know, we might switch the math around a little bit. Maybe it will go 10

me and 333 to each of them.

Now hide.

Once again.

Yeah, right our blessed mother Ready To

be the best you must beat the rest Stamina will be your undoing in this

you fail or lose your breath You will not be able to win the contest wait. I

mean we're having okay Hold your breath hold your breath. What do you do when

you hold your breath?

You go under water Water! Water!

Everybody to the water! Run! Run! Go!

Go!

Okay, contestants, I'm glad you jumped into the pond, but the next contest has

absolutely nothing to do with water.

Oh, man.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Okay,

we're ready for the test.

But wait a minute here, okay?

Are we getting tested or are we testing?

Whose idea was it to jump in the water? Who cares?

All right, survivors, I know you're wet, you're tired, and a lot of that's your

problem because you jumped in the lake, but hey, whatever. This is the stamina

challenge.

And the winner of this will win immunity, which means on tonight's vote,

you four people will have to vote for one person off the island. Now, the

are you can't vote for yourself, but you have to vote for someone else to be

voted off. Off the island. Off the island. Okay. Okay, and that person

voted off will also join the other fine ladies.

and the council to pick the final erotic survivor.

Okay. Okay, so whoever wins this cannot be eliminated tonight.

Okay. This is the test.

It is an issue of stamina.

Whoever can stay in this position for the longest amount of time will win this

survivor challenge.

Ready, erotic survivors, and begin.

At the end of this, the prize is no longer $20.

It's $100 to whoever wins the erotic survivor game.

$100 to whoever wins the final erotic survivor.

No one's down yet? Every breath is a triumph. No one's down yet. Okay,

focus. Every breath is a triumph.

Get to the nose, out of the mouth, and from nothing.

All I have to do is think about all the seedy scenes, and that gives me the

anger to go on.

Man, you think they are seedy, man, but we, we are seedy. All I have to think

about is Darian running around naked.

And all I have to think about is how somebody talked me into just jumping in

lake, because they thought that that's what's holding your breath. Oh, right

Hey, guys. Is everybody here?

Yes, yes. Personal speech.

Personal speech? Right on. All I'm going to say is one thing.

Yes.

Remember the plan.

Thank you. Hey, you just fell down, and we are stuck here, the fifth.

You can't vote for yourself.

Right on.

You can save your brother some pain. Ward, Ward.

You are a badass motherfucker.

Ward, thinking about that hundred dollars?

Journalism. Journalism. Yeah.

Journalism and whiskey.

More whiskey.

Think you can last?

Maybe I'll up the stakes.

Up the stakes, I am.

Let's up the stakes. Slow breaths, ready?

Please give me one more rock.

It's a hot rock forever if they ask.

Okay. No.

Christian is out. He needs one more.

We did it for Mary's gift of censorship.

Censorship.

That's right. Okay, put it on.

The sun is burning my fragile flesh.

It's not the rocks pushing down on our stomachs. It's us pushing up. On the

rocks.

They try to hold us down, but we're holding them up.

Let me have two ladies of the Panani tribe come over here.

Let me get Misty and Jade.

Okay, ladies, I want you to torture these people as much as you can without

hurting them.

It's verbal abuse and everything else.

Switch people. Switch people.

No,

no, no, that's perfect.

Which one do you think that one? Jade, I want you.

Okay. What do we do?

Torture them as much as you can.

Can they touch them? Can we touch them?

Yes, you can tickle them, you can do whatever.

All right. That's not a real thing. Let me show you guys how to tickle someone

properly.

That's not fair to do one.

That's not fair to do one. That feels really good. Okay, ready? That feels

really good. And tickle. Oh, God, it feels so good. I have yet to come.

Ready?

Oh, please, please. Lower, lower, lower. You think that I will submit, but I

have yet to do that.

Jeff, Jeff, keep an eye on his butt. Yeah, my butt is really hot. And I am

for. Come on.

put your butt up higher higher okay the first person butt hits these rocks

we'll lose this game all right joe's got more rocks on him

will come off. But his rocks will stay on.

I think I saw something.

Yeah, he touched it. Game over.

Joe wins.

No fair.

Congratulations.

Woo!

Congratulations,

Bernie Lombardo. You have won the immunity necklace.

Tonight, you are free from banishment.

As for our other three contestants, one of you will be voted off tonight.

And we'll join the council for the final. Right on.

Right on. Bar out.

We'll see. We'll see what happens.

Dig it. And you dig it.

Ooh, we'll see.

The plan was that Ward and Christian were to last.

But now that it's Bernie.

then he just messes the whole thing up. You producers suck, you know? And, like,

this TV show sucks, and these people that are watching it suck.

So what we decided to do is take the most weirdo on the island, and we're

conspiring to get him to win. So we're going to vote against everybody and kick

everybody off, and Bernie's going to win, man. I am not voting somebody off.

They are voting somebody off.

He's a drunken drug...

riddled punk, and I can't believe he did it, but I can only chalk it up to his

stupidity. So everybody's going to vote you on the island. We're going to vote

me off the island. We're going to vote everybody else, all right? So you're

going to make sure you're going to vote Christian off the island, man.

Yeah, we told you.

Okay, yes, I remember, yeah. I think we should vote Christian off and let

Bernie win.

Just because... It would be so difficult. See, I don't have a problem

I just want to know why.

Because he's the most troubled individual on the island.

Ward and I have come to a sub -agreement where we're actually going to turn

on Christian and vote against him.

And I believe Bernie is in on it because Ward and Bernie, it's the same, might

as well be the same thing, same person.

I have some bad news.

What? You know Ward.

Yeah. He's going to both Bernie and myself, and he's trying to talk us into

voting you off when you were the guy that was supposed to be the winner.

that way you and I know who's going to win. We're still doing the split, the 20

-20 -20 -40.

Totally, whatever you want. So that's good.

Bernie doesn't care about money.

We split the money so it won't matter who wins, really.

Right.

We fuck them. We don't give them the 20 each. Because remember, we promised each

other that we would all get 20 and the winner would get 40. Right.

Not happening.

That's over.

They just buy booze with it anyway.

Exactly. And, you know, it's me and Mary, you know.

We know that we got to get Christian off this island.

Because as much as we fund to vote on Christian.

Because he's like the most horrible, hypocritical creature on the island. We

feel that you are the embodiment of our team. I'm glad to hear you say that.

Of course.

Okay. And you're not going to let us down, right?

Absolutely not. You're going to be the best leader there, right? Absolutely.

And we're all going out to dinner, right?

Absolutely. And you're still going to donate $20 to the church, right? Yes, I

am. All right. I believe I need to get rid of Ward.

So I have gone back to Christian and I have told him.

What Ward has suggested behind his back.

Uh, I'm real

tired.

The girls on the other team have been looking at Ward, and I'm afraid that if

Ward gets to the end, that the girls will vote him the winner.

We have to convert them to our standards.

We have to get them to vote.

Bernie and Mary and myself off the island so that we can win.

Me and you have to get rid of war.

Okay? Do you have a problem with that?

Do you think I have a problem with that? No, I don't. I figure between me and

Christian, they're not going to want the religious guy.

They're going to have to go for girl power. They're going to have to vote for

me. How do you suggest we do that without being really, really

We'll have another drink. We'll think about that.

Okay, all right.

Sounds like a good idea.

You just keep thinking, and I'll keep thinking, and I'm sure everything will

work out.

It's okay, man. If you've got to get sick, you can just do it on the floor.

All right.

You can't look like we're conspiring, so I may not even talk to you.

Well, that's okay.

Okay. I don't like you anymore.

Okay. But remember.

You too.

So you get 60 bucks. All right? Okay.

We'll all go out to dinner. I'll give you all the money at dinner. Okay. All

right? I trust you.

The Lord is on my side.

Ooh.

What beautiful toes.

Oh, my God.

I'm getting a really good view from here. Oh, look at that cute little

Do you ticklish?

Oh, no.

You gotta be ticklish. Oh, no, that feels so good.

She's really on her.

Oh, yes.

From behind.

Oh, God, just like that. All right, I got her. Oh,

my God.

You're getting warmer girls keep on going

Can't do anything decent

We should just get right there. Yeah, just fucking take it off already.

Taste test now, girl.

in your house

Oh.

Okay, this is it. This is the final vote.

Okay, this is your council right here, members of the Panani tribe.

Whoever gets voted off here on the Hey Hoonani tribe will join the jury.

You guys ready?

Okay.

Let's take it one by one. Let's go.

This is one going off.

Because in the ancient tongue, he's a schmuck.

You know, I'm voting Christian off because he's, you know, right on and

we don't want him to suffer on this island.

It's nothing personal.

It's just, I think you were wrong in changing the plan, and the original plan

was that Christian would win, and you went behind his back, and I think that's

wrong, and that's the reason I'm voting you up.

Okay.

This person, his name was told to me by the stars and the

moon, and that's all there really is to it, but...

I'm sorry.

I'm not doing this for any reason but what they tell me.

Okay, we have the final vote.

One vote for Christian.

One vote for Ward.

Another vote for Ward.

2 -1 Ward.

The final and determining... Christian.

We have a tie vote.

In the ancient times, men used to solve their problems with a stick.

Well, we are going to use a pogo stick.

The erotic survivor who can stay on the pogo stick for the longest amount of

time will win the challenge.

And the loser will join our jury.

Gentlemen...

Right.

Okay, Ward, ready?

I'm going to count how many you could bounce, or I'm going to count 1 ,000.

Okay, I'm going to do both. Ready? Ready. And go.

One, two, three. Very good. Good job.

Good job, Ward.

Christian.

He thinks you're going to bounce. Three is the record.

Three is the record, Christian.

Ready?

Okay,

Christian, Lord with you. Come on, Christian.

All right, Christian.

Go, go, get that!

Christian, thanks for being a very good sport.

No problem. It was very nice having you as a projection.

Yeah!

Good deal.

Yeah, man! Christian, thank you.

You're welcome. Please join the Panani tribe. No problem.

To vote off the final erotic survivor.

You three are the last contestants, and we're going to whittle this down to two.

The winner of this match will vote right here and now who will leave the island.

Because you can't vote for yourself, and these gentlemen, blah, blah, blah,

can't vote out, so...

The person who wins immunity in this round would have to vote ultimately for

person that goes off.

This is the contest.

It's a children's nursery rhyme.

I'm going to hand each one the rhyme.

They're going to hold it in their hands for 30 seconds and read it to

themselves.

When they are done, by name, they will be called up alphabetically in order.

The person that can get through the rhyme the most wins this immunity

Okay, you rock survivors, let me take all your pages.

We'll start with Bernie, and go Bernie.

Goosey goosey gander, whither while I wander.

No, close.

Next.

Goosey goosey gander, whither shall I wander.

Upstairs or downstairs?

Next.

Goosey goosey gander, where the shall I wander?

Upstairs or downstairs?

Where's my woman?

Up. Close, but you are the winner.

Yeah! Woo!

Woo! Do I get to vote off somebody on the island? Ward.

Ward, now you have to vote who leaves the island.

Okay. I think that only in fairness, I should vote off the

woman. Because the woman needs to... Big surprise.

The woman needs to... Big surprise.

Because... No, no.

It's for your own good. For your own good. Yeah. All right? Mm -hmm. All

What a control freak.

You're such a control freak. No, I love you. I love you. No, you don't. I love

you so much. No, I do. You're so into yourself. You're so full of shit. Not at

all. You know what? I'm fine. It's not a problem. I really don't care. No, I

love you.

I really love you, actually.

I voted for Bernie because, I don't know, I just think that he could really

that money to get some help.

Not that I really want him to win, but quite frankly, I find Bernie Lombardo

physically repulsive.

Because I'd rather have a half -wit than a backstabbing jerk -off.

Because he was the only one that didn't give anybody a hard time or give me a

hard time for walking around naked all through the island. He didn't bother

anybody.

The reason I'm voting for Ward is because I respect his disgusting,

backstabbing, conniving ways.

And Ward, you certainly are all of that. So congratulations.

All right, we've called the vote, and let's count them.

One vote for Ward.

Oh, don't put my name, man.

One vote for Bernie. Oh, man. Bernie Lombardo.

Bernie.

Another vote for Ward.

Oh, don't put my name again.

Journalism.

Another vote for Bernie.

Oh, man.

Bernie. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. This is Bernie.

Not Bernie.

It's three votes. There is no Bernie on this island.

It's three votes.

But there's no... We have a tie between Ward and... It was pronounced

Bernie, even though it was misspelled. Whoever could do the most push -ups will

win the $100.

And... And... Let's start with the last contest.

Gentlemen, get down on your knees.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

Time.

Okay, good. You win.

We're going to Manhattan to have a good time.

Yeah, the Pornati.

Okay, man. Bernie, congratulations.

$100. We weren't lying. This is the real thing. $100.

$100.

Bernie spent three days here. He was very drunk. I'm actually very surprised

that he won.

Yeah! We did it! Hey, you know, anybody can win on Erotic Survivor.

And I hope to see you next time and hope you had fun, jerk. Well, you know,

watching naked girls and stuff.

And, hey,

congratulations. Yeah!

Ten bags of high -grade dope! Dope!

Dope for the director!

We gotta cook the gorilla.