Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Two in the mornin' ♪

♪ Oh, sleepin' single In a double bed ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Thinkin' all the things I wish I'd said ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Should have held you, But I let you go... ♪

Please, Charlene, I can't take that racket

when I have a headache.

It's not racket, Suzanne.

That's Sleepin' Single in a Double Bed.

Look I'm just not in the mood, okay?

Anyway, you look dumb singing into that magic marker.

Singing into a magic marker?

What made you think I was doing that?

'Cause you always do when you think no one's around,

I've seen you a couple of times when I was in a storeroom

and you didn't know I was looking.

[SCOFFS]

You know, Suzanne, I think you're getting completely nuts.

I think you've too much time on your hands.

I know where you get this stuff...

Singing into a magic marker.

♪ Sleepin' single In a double bed ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

[MOUTHING]

♪ Thinkin' all the things I wish I'd said ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Should have held you, But I let you go ♪

♪ You never once Said you love me so ♪

♪ Sleepin' single in a... ♪

I was trying to shake the ink down.

I hate when these things get clogged.

Charlene, did Mary Jo get back

from Hence Winchester's yet?

No. They're finishing up installing that waterfall today.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

We're not building a master suite anymore.

We're building a miniature club med.

And it's not even functional.

There's so many tropical plants in that bathroom,

you need a machete to get to the commode.

That's right. Let's just insult the man.

After all, he's only one of the most successful contractors in Atlanta,

who could give us enough work to last a lifetime,

but who needs him, right, Julia?

[CLICKS TONGUE] I'm sorry. I don't happen to love doing business

with a person who has a fur waterbed

and a bumper sticker that says "no fat chicks" on it.

Oh, come on, where do you get off

being sensitive about fat people

after the remarks you made last weekend?

What remarks? At Mardoe Richardson's wedding.

You know, Mardoe has a little weight problem,

and unfortunately, she chose this full white gown with a whale.

Anyway, just as she's getting ready to come down the aisle,

Julia leans over to me and says "Look, Suzanne,

it's not a bride. It's a bride float."

I did not. You're terrible.

You did so.

And, then, when the attendants got ready to come down the aisle,

She said, "If they had any style at all,

they'd ride her in."

[GASPS] Julia!

I never said anything of the kind.

Suzanne, I don't know where you come up with this stuff.

You're trying to drive me crazy, but it's not gonna work.

You sing into magic markers, Charlene,

And you, Julia, insult fat people.

I want you all to know that the only reason

that I'm not quitting this Hence Winchester job

is because I'm that close to finishing

and because, well...

Because, it would be crazy to quit now, right?

What happened?

He wants a new bathtub.

He didn't like the one with the waterfall?

That's the hot tub in the bedroom.

This is the whirlpool in the bathroom.

He found it in the back of a magazine.

Let's see that.

These people are naked.

I know. Everybody in Hence Winchester's life is naked

except me, a couple of workmen,

and Vernon, the electrician.

Since he moved in there five days ago,

there has been a different woman there every morning.

You're joking. No, I have to wait for him

to get out of bed so I can get in to the bathroom

One of 'em even asked me if I might have

a little deodorant she could borrow

You're kidding!

You should never use another person's deodorant.

All sort of bacteria can grow on that little ball.

You could get a terrible disease.

I don't know how many more times

I can go in there, and, and... face those workmen

and say things like "Okay,

"What we need to do here

is, uh, take this 1,200-pound mirror

and suspend it on chains

over Mr. Winchester's waterbed, and I don't want any comments."

I'll bet they comment anyway, don't they?

Are you kidding? What we're building here in a sex chamber,

and everybody knows it.

The plumber suggested

that we use a fun house mirror,

you know, the one that make things appear smaller

than they actually are. [LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

No! That's hysterical!

I don't get it. What would that do?

Well, Suzanne, from your point of view,

it would make his wallet look smaller.

Well, you know, what I don't understand is what difference does it make

what kind of taste Hence Winchester has,

or how many times he changes his mind as long as he pays for it?

Because we're trying to develop a clientele

that fits with the image of Sugarbaker's,

and that does not include people

whose only prerequisite for furniture

is that it vibrate.

Charlene, I almost forgot. Would you call J.D. for me?

He's... He's coming over to dinner. Now, I'm running late.

What time should I tell him?

Oh, eight o'clock. And tell him the kids will be at Ted's.

[LAUGHS]

Charlene, we're just having dinner.

Well, I certainly hope not.

I mean, don't you think it's time we consummated this relationship?

We?

Well, you know I'll be with you in spirit.

Oh, good. I'll let you know

in the morning if you had a good time.

Heh. Where are those black tiles?

Hence is picking me up any minute.

and don't mention that to J.D.

He's all bent out of shape

because I made the mistake of

telling him that I thought

that Hence was sexually harassing me.

Sexually harassing you?

Mary Jo, you never mentioned that before.

Well...

I thought it was just my imagination.

I mean... [CHUCKLES]

You know, Hence has so many women in his life.

Why would he bother me?

Good point.

Well, just exactly what does he do?

Well, I don't know. Sometimes when he's talking to me,

he kind of likes to...

Tap me right there.

Well, I've seen people do that before.

Sometimes he misses.

You know, that reminds me of my brother, Robert.

He used to pin me down, you know, both my shoulders with his knees

and then, drool on my face.

It was so disgusting.

He called it trial by spit.

Charlene, are you finished?

I guess so.

Go on, Mary Jo.

Well, just a couple of other times,

he just kind of...

Brushed up against me,

but I never know if he means it.

And then this morning, I heard myself saying something to him

I'd never said any other client.

What? "Get your right hand off my left bun."

[TAPS ON DESK] You're kidding me!

What did he say when you said that?

He said, "Hey, babe,

I'm just giving you a little love pat."

No. What did you say?

I said "Fine. I'm just giving you a little warning."

Way to go. Well, that is the limit.

Mary Jo, I want you to know you don't have to put up with this.

Now, Julia, it's all right. I handled it.

And anyway, let us not overlook

the amount of work this man can get us.

You people are getting all excited just because

some guy gave Mary Jo a little love pat.

I mean, men do that sort of thing all the time.

Suzanne, I don't believe

that your opinion counts for much on this issue.

I mean, to you, being tied up for five days

and held hostage Would seem like a romantic overture.

Ladies.

Mary Jo, I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to drop somebody off

And I got a little waylaid.

I can imagine.

Hence, I think you know Julia.

Yes. Hi. Hello.

And this is Charlene Frazier, our office manager.

Well, hello. If I'd known the decor around here looked like this,

I'd have come by a lot sooner. [CHUCKLES] Thank you.

Oh, and this is our other partner, Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Yes, don't we have some mutual friends?

Oh, yes, we do, and they all just think you're wonderful,

especially, Marcie Patterson.

Oh, yes, Marcie is a great girl,

but I don't know, Suzanne,

how you and I missed meeting.

Hence, we're running late.

Hence? Hmm? Oh.

Right. Yes. Hmm.

Well, it was, uh, great meeting you two.

BOTH: Nice to meet you.

Oh, Charlene, don't forget to call J.D.

Right. JULIA: Mr. Winchester,

I'd just like to say before you go

that we do appreciate your business

and we think of it exactly as that.

Business and only business.

We like to keep our clients

on a strictly professional basis,

if you know what I mean.

[CLICKS TONGUE] That's the only way to go.

I'm glad we understand each other.

Fine. You take it easy, hmm?

He shouldn't have done that.

That was a mistake.

I keep a little list of people

who pat my behind without permission.

And several of them have died

unnatural and untimely deaths.

Oh, come on, Julia, lighten up.

It's just his way of being social.

Well, I just cannot believe the two of you.

After you know the trouble that he's caused Mary Jo,

and here you sit drooling in your socks.

Julia, I can't help it if I think he's attractive.

I didn't say I want to go out with him.

Anyway, he's not my type.

Charlene, that is not the issue.

I think he's just... I'd go out with him in a second.

Well, of course, you would. You'd also like to have drinks with Muammar Qadhafi.

I never said anything about drinks, Julia.

I just said I liked his sunglasses.

Give me a break.

That's it!

Nobody has that much trouble finding the stick shift!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hi. Hi.

Everybody, come on in.

I know you were thinking ...dinner for two,

but how about pizza for five? My treat.

Uh... Gee, well, I had everything fixed up all here.

I thought it was just us.

Uh, yes. Well, Janet had other ideas.

You see, ever since our divorce,

she gets a kick out of figuring out ways

to send the kids on my dates with me.

So, tonight's her poker night.

And she got the week all mixed up. I apologize...

It's all right, it's all right. I just wish I'd known.

I sent my kids to their dad's.

That's all right. These guys won't be any trouble.

I'll just make them stay under a table until I'm ready to go home.

Dad.

It's a joke, okay? Give me a break.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, Hannah, come here.

Mary Jo, this outspoken little person here is Hannah.

Hi there, Hannah. Hi.

And the big guy over here is Rex.

Hi, Rex. Hi.

Yeah, hi, and this is Bert.

Bert, come here. Hi, Bert, how are you?

Fine.

J.D.: Don't... Don't pick your nose, son.

Why not?

Because I said so. Why not?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Mary Jo, I know you've gone to a lot of trouble.

I'm really sorry about all this.

No, it's nothing at all. We can just stay here and eat. I made plenty.

Oh, yeah, what are we having?

Uh, duck a l'orange and vichyssoise.

Hey, hey, that's their favorite, right?

Great.

Why don't I just blow these silly candles out?

Bert, why don't you get up there and do that for me?

You look so beautiful.

[BLOWS AIR]

Uh, guys, could you turn your heads? I wanna give Mary Jo a kiss.

Oh, J.D.

It's okay. We're used to it.

All right. Y'all can look again.

Nice to get that mushy stuff out of the way, you know.

Won't have to do that again for another ten or fifteen minutes.

Oh, I almost forgot, Mary Jo.

I brought you a little present.

It's a baseball cap from the Atlanta Braves.

I know. I have three of them.

J.D., you know, you just can't walk through life passing out hats

every time you think somebody's gonna be put out with you.

It's working pretty good so far.

Yeah. He's given us about 600.

Just remember, you're old enough now

to be sent to lumberjack camp.

Hey, I got a great idea.

What do you say we 86 the orange duck

and throw a few hot dogs on the grill?

Yeah, I like hot dogs.

Sometimes I open my mouth so wide

you can see all the food in it,

but I'm not going to do that to you.

Thanks, Bert. That's very considerate.

And you thought they weren't going to like you.

What are they doing?

Well, Rex is in Claudia's room doing his homework,

and Bert's playing with Quint's toys,

and Hannah wants to know

if she can spend the night with me sometime.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah. Well, that's just fine,

as long as her dad gets to first.

Okay. So, why don't you tell me a little more about this jerk contractor

that was giving you a bad time today?

Oh, I don't want to talk about it.

Besides, he's basically harmless.

Hey, he ripped your skirt, didn't he?

He said he didn't mean to.

[SIGHS] Mary Jo, I don't understand why you're defending him.

I mean, you must... you must think

I'm one of these big macho guys

who thinks it's an insult to his male pride

if he let some other guy think he can paw his woman, so to speak...

No, I don't think that.

Well, you should, 'cause I'm gonna kill him.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Oh, why are you making such a big deal of this?

I told you I took care of it. I quit.

It's over and done. Hello.

Oh.

Hello, Hence.

Yes, [STUTTERS] I'm fine, really. Yeah.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY] Yeah.

Sure. I can just sew that up.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

No. No, I haven't gotten any flowers yet.

You really didn't have to do that.

Oh. Actually, I think they just arrived.

Oh, Hence, really, you didn't have to do that.

That was way too much. No.

Look,

I just want to forget the whole thing, okay?

Are you crying?

I'm sorry. [STUTTERING] I...

I didn't know.

Give me the phone. Yes.

No. Hence, can we talk about this another time? Give me the phone.

Yes. All right, I'll bring the samples by in the morning.

Yes. All right. Yes, I'll finish the job.

But no more funny business, okay?

All right. And I'm so sorry about your dog.

All right, see you tomorrow. ...This is the way you handle a guy

who sexually attacked you this afternoon?

His dog died.

He'd had him for 18 years.

He said he was overwrought with grief.

Oh, I see.

Well, I got to admit that's original.

So, I guess, all his advances towards you

have been made on days

When other childhood pets had passed away.

I know. It's not a good story.

Come to think of it, I've never seen him with a dog.

Well, I have, but that's just a matter of opinion.

Mary Jo, you are not going over there tomorrow.

Yes, I am.

I mean, look, I know he's a jerk, but he sounded genuinely sorry.

And after what happened, I'm sure he wouldn't dare try anything again.

Stop. Stop, okay?

You're breaking my heart.

I mean, you... you are so gullible

I don't even know, now, if I can go to bed with you.

I feel like a heel.

Of course, I could always grit my teeth and try.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

I do appreciate your concern,

but I don't need you to fight my battles for me.

Let's not talk about it anymore, all right?

No. No, I want to talk about it, Mary Jo.

I mean, we've been going out for a while now... [SIGHS]

And I think, maybe, it's time we put

something on the line here.

Now, you know how I feel about you,

and I... I just don't want anybody

even thinking that you're available.

So, I'm asking you not to go.

Don't give me an ultimatum, J.D.

I have a responsibility

to... to Suzanne and Julia and Charlene.

I mean, we got a $150,000 note at Atlanta National.

This is not the kind of job

that I can afford just to throw away.

Is that your answer?

Yes.

Well, that was the wrong one.

I don't mean to seem immature,

but I'd like my hat back if you don't mind.

I just want you to know something,

I'm not happy with you.

Not happy.

I forgot my kids.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Then what did she say?

Uh-huh!

I shouldn't never have let Mary Jo go out there alone.

How could you stop her? She's so stubborn.

I guess she has some kind of misguided sense of responsibility to us,

but nothing is worth putting up

with this kind of harassment.

What worries me the most is that she's so polite.

What does polite have to do with it?

Well, you know, some women are so well-mannered

and easily intimidated that if a man they know

comes on to them, they're afraid of causing trouble.

I mean, it's just not as cut and dried as being attacked

by a stranger.

Well, Marcie Patterson says she knows a lot of people

who've been out with Hence Winchester

and they all think he's a perfect gentleman.

'Cause she didn't know anyone who had turned him down.

Well, I say we get the car and drive out there.

But why? Marcie says he's a nice guy.

Suzanne, nice guys don't rip skirts.

Well, you know, it could have just been a misunderstanding.

You know, I used to be naïve like that till I rode the bus

and I sat next to Jim Herb Harj

from forth Georgia.

Don't make this a long one, please.

You know, at first he just had his arm up at the back of my seat.

I thought, well, he's just resting it.

I mean, I try to be nice to soldiers even in peace time.

Well, anyway pretty soon he starts slowly creeping down

I'm thinking to myself this man is a sex pervert.

But then the next thing I knew he just put it right back up on the back of the seat.

And I thought to myself, Charlene,

that was so silly of you to think he was a pervert.

And then I just went right off to sleep.

Is that the end?

No. When I woke up he'd gotten into my suitcase

and he had my bra on his head.

Okay. That does it. Let's go.

I'm sorry did that story upset you?

No. I just don't want you to tell another one.

MARY JO: Hence?

Hence! HENCE: Mary Jo?

Oh. Uh, the front door was open.

I'll just wait for you downstairs.

No. Don't do that. Come in here.

We have to match the tile samples in here,

just sit down and relax. I'll be right out.

Okay.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, no.

Excuse me, I thought we made a deal on the phone.

Let's forget the deal. Let's dance.

Hence, I don't know what kind of game you're playing,

but it's not funny and well, get your hands off me.

Come on, I just want a few minutes of your time.

I just want to talk to you. No big deal.

What do you think you're doing?

Now, come on, don't give me a hard time,

just lighten up. I just want to get to know you.

Why don't we just test out the mattress?

I don't wanna test out the mattress. I want you to let me out of here.

Mary Jo, what are you afraid of?

Come on, I'm not going to hurt you.

Look, why don't you come on up here?

Get in my hot tub,

relax, and I'll fix us couple of drinks, okay?

I don't want to get into the hot tub,

and I don't want to drink. Give me the key.

Okay...

I'll give you what you want...

If you'll give me what I want.

You know what you are?

You're a rapist.

If you think that you're gonna force me

to do anything that I don't want to do, you're dead wrong.

I'm not like those women in the movies

to get strangled in nine seconds.

What do you think, just 'cause you look like ...but it's still not rape?

Nobody's turned me down yet.

I'm sure nobody ever had a chance.

[GRUNTS] Come on, I'm getting all tired of this games.

I warn you, you get away from me.

Why don't you give in?

You know you want me, and you know...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

J.D.: Mary Jo, are you in there?

Open up, Mary Jo.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[SNIFFLING] Are you all right? Oh, honey, come here.

I was at the ballpark. I just got so worried about you I couldn't work.

Am I interrupting something?

Hence, he wouldn't... He wouldn't let go of me.

I'm going to kill the bastard.

What's going on?

You wanna know what's goin' on. I'll tell you what's going on.

I'll tell you what's going on.

Who are you? I'm with her. That's who I am.

What's your dog's name? What dog?

I told you he didn't have a dog.

Oh, J.D.,

I'm growing very fond of you.

And I'm very fond of you.

Hey, this is working out great, huh?

ALL: Oh.

Looks like Mary Jo has got the situation under control.

What are y'all doing here?

Well, we came to rescue you.

He looks better with his clothes on.

You think so? I don't.

I know that's not the issue.

Who knocked him out?

Well...

We both did.

Mary Jo, are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. You all are sweet to come.

Well, we were worried about you

with good reason. I'm just glad J.D. got here first to save you.

This is so romantic. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I mean, he didn't exactly save me.

Yes, I did. And I'll tell you something else...

I'd do it again, little lady.

You know, I... I think we should get out of here before he comes to.

I think he's gonna be in a bad mood.

Great idea. I've had as much of this guy as I can stand.

Julia, aren't you coming?

Yes, I am. I'm just leaving our business card.

I'm taking the liberty of writing him a little message.

MARY JO: What's it say?

"Dear Mr. Winchester,

just wanted you to know

Sugarbakers always finishes the job."

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]