Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Charlene, where's the rest of the newspaper?

I want to see that ad we put in.

I don't know. Well, maybe, they left the home section out of our paper.

Who knows? Maybe... Maybe a dog carried it off.

What dog?

I don't know. A seeing-eye dog. [CHUCKLES]

Julia, don't I owe you a dollar?

What for?

Uh, lunch the other day. I was short, remember?

You know I don't keep track of those things. Just forget it.

Oh, no, no, no. I can never do that. It would bother me.

Charlene, where's the home section?

Um, do you ever look at a dollar bill

and wonder where it's been?

I mean, do you ever, just, kind of, hold it in your hand

and think, maybe, it's been with somebody you used to know, you know,

like somebody you went to high school with or somebody you used to be in love with,

or, maybe, even somebody you were gonna meet and fall

in love with sometime in the future?

And you never know that you both had that same dollar.

Do you ever wonder about stuff like that?

No, I don't.

Do you ever wonder why you're beginning to sound like Andy Rooney?

No, I don't.

I want the home section.

All right. It's just going to make you mad.

I mean, I thought we could get more off for our $350.

You know, but the rates went up. And, so, the copy's a lot smaller

than I thought it was gonna be.

It must be small I can't even find it.

It's right there.

You must be joking!

This isn't small. It's microscopic.

What's that? Our ad.

Let me see.

Oh, that is small.

Small?

If you rolled it up,

it could be a high school diploma for a gnat.

I did the best I could.

Nobody is gonna pay any attention to this.

The only person who would possibly come in Sugarbaker's because of this ad

is someone who would take the time to blow it up,

so they could read the name and address, and, frankly, I don't think

I want a person like that in my store.

Why not? Because they would be unbalanced!

That doesn't stop the rest of us for coming in here.

I rest my case.

What case?

Nothing, it's just a little joke.

Well, I'm not in the mood. I'll be so glad

when they finish working on that building next-door.

I'm just sick and tired of those hard-hats

always yelling and whistling every time I go by.

I mean, all I ever hear is, "Look how big they are."

Well, I wouldn't worry, Suzanne.

They're probably talking about your purse or your buns.

You know Julia, just once I would like to walk in here

and make a statement without being personally attacked.

Well, I could cut down, but I wouldn't wanna have to go cold turkey.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Sugarbaker's.

Hey, hi, Jack!

Suzanne, it's your ex on the line.

How's that famous pitching arm?

I'll take it over here.

Why don't you come by and see us sometime?

You know, my family doesn't even believe I know you.

[CLEARS THROAT] Oh. Sorry, Jack.

All right. Got to go.

Thank you.

Hi, Jack.

I'm fine.

Dinner?

I thought we had dinner in November.

Oh, was it October?

You know how I get those "ber" months mixed up.

Why do you want to have dinner?

You wrote a book?

Autobiographical?

Does that mean I'm in it?

Well. Okay. Yes, I'll read the manuscript.

It's not too long, is it?

Okay.

Yes, I'll send Anthony for it.

Okay, bye.

Jack wrote a book?

[SIGHING] Yeah. About his life in baseball.

Wants me to read it. You know, I just hate to read.

I'll just tell him I read it. He'll never know the difference.

You're joking.

Aren't you just a little bit curious

what he said about you?

Not enough to read a whole book.

As I already know how he feels about me.

He's still madly in love with me.

What I want to know is why y'all got divorced in the first place.

I mean, of all your ex-husbands, I think

he's by far the cutest.

Charlene, cute isn't everything.

I mean, I need somebody I can talk to

about things besides baseball.

You know, things I find fascinating.

Like what?

Well, like me.

Jack never did want to talk about me.

All he ever wanted to talk about was those...

Saliva balls of his.

I think you mean spitballs.

The only time our marriage ever worked was in bed.

I mean, it was just constant fabulous sex...

Day in, day out.

Well, you know how a little of that

goes a long way.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Fabulous sex can just drag you down.

I think I know what she means.

You know, how there are people you just have this great chemistry with,

but you just cannot live with them.

That's right. I mean, Jack and I never had anything in common.

I mean, he used to just throw his clothes all over the place.

Well, I like things neat. That's why I have a maid.

So, I said to him, "Get yourself your own maid."

But he refused.

You see? That's the kind of thing I was dealing with.

If he hadn't been so in love with me,

it wouldn't have lasted as long as it did.

Suzanne, I seem to recall several fights

which culminated in his riding face down

on the hood of your car to the police station.

If I were you, I'd be more than a little anxious

to get my hands on that manuscript.

Julia, you know, If there's one thing I've never had to worry about,

it's the way my ex-husbands talk about me.

I mean, I never had one saying an unkind word yet.

In fact, just to show you how confident I am,

you can read the manuscript,

and I won't even ask you what's in it.

All right, I'll be happy to.

Fine. And you don't have to tell me anything in it.

It's a deal.

Well, there's just one little thing I'd want to know.

What? Well, like, if he mentions me rolling my pajama bottoms up

when I run out of underwear.

It's hard to go on working while Julia's up there reading that manuscript.

I never heard her be so quiet.

Anthony, would you go upstairs and check on her?

Uh-uh, she specifically told me not to interrupt her

unless there was a fire

and it had reached the second floor.

You're being awfully uncurious about this, Anthony.

You didn't by any chance open it on the way over,

did you?

[SCOFFS] I cannot believe you think

I would stoop to something like that.

Of course, I didn't open it.

Fell out.

I knew it! I knew it! You read it, didn't you?

Well, not the whole thing.

I mean, I am not an Evelyn Wood graduate.

But I did glance at a couple of chapters

as I was pickin' it up. And?

Well, basically,

the dude had more groupies

than all the rock stars in North America.

He actually wrote that?

Wrote it? That part was in bold caps.

What I want to know is,

when did this man find time to play baseball?

Julia, does Jack actually say

that he played around while he and Suzanne were married?

I don't think I would call it playing around.

More, like, sexual bombing strikes

on major American cities.

This is awful! This will kill her!

I mean, no one's ever gone out on Suzanne before.

I know, but I had a funny feeling about this one.

I never could trust a man Who spits tobacco

into a potted plant when you're not looking.

Hi.

What's going on?

Nothing.

We're just standing around in a circle talking.

Oh, I get it. Julia read Jack's manuscript,

and now you're trying to make me think

he said something bad about me.

Well, it's not going to work. I told you.

I don't even care.

Suzanne.

I just want you to know

I've know many a squealer in my time,

and eventually these things even out.

His time will come.

Nice try, Anthony, but it won't work.

No, we, we think it's a good decision

that you decided not to read it.

Julia, why are you being so quiet?

What's wrong? Didn't you like it?

Oh. Yes.

It's very interesting.

It has all the elements;

Adventure, travel...

Romance.

[CHUCKLES] Romance.

With me.

No, Suzanne.

I mean as in extracurricular.

Where do I start?

Chapter Four.

The girls of the royal Canadian Mounties.

You wanna know why I like this bar?

I like this bar 'cause nobody in here knows me.

After that book is published,

I'll probably hang out here all the time

just in hopes of not being recognized.

Oh, come on, Suzanne,

your life is not over

simply because Jack Dent had some affairs.

Oh, I would highly dignify him but calling them affairs.

At least he was discreet. He didn't name any...

He didn't have to, he named states.

But it's not fair.

He gets all the adulation, she gets all the humiliation.

Oh, well, after all he deserves it.

He's Mr. Jack Atlanta Saliva Ball Dent.

I'm telling you it's spitball.

Whatever.

I mean he's still one of the top five pitchers

in the entire American lead.

League. It's national.

Whatever.

You know, this could have been one of the problems in her marriage.

Well, it doesn't matter.

And after Jack's book is published,

it's gotta be like strangers going through my lingerie drawers.

I'd like another Martini, please.

I mean, I'm going to be publicly cuckolded.

I'll make it a double.

Shh. Look, it's Jack.

They're interviewing him on the TV.

Oh, that's eight. There's a game tonight.

Boo!

Suzanne!

I told you we should never let her order a drink

that doesn't come with an umbrella in it.

Boo!

Hey, keep it down, will you? We're trying to hear Jack Dent.

Oh, keep it down, yourself.

He doesn't even pick up his own underwear.

Suzanne.

Suzanne, let's not go off the deep end here.

The book will go unpublished.

I don't know about that, Julia.

I mean, Jack's won every game this season. He's so popular around here,

He could mug Mother Teresa And still be elected mayor.

Oh, look, now they got his fan club up there.

You know, I used to believe those women were just fans.

I was so stupid, but not anymore.

I'm nobody's patsy.

I mean, I have no intention of becoming "Poor Suzanne,

the long-suffering, jilted ex-wife."

It might surprise some people to know

that I've done some bad things on my own.

Mmm-hmm. Wouldn't tax my imagination.

One thing was so bad,

Jack doesn't even know about it.

Don't keep us hanging. What was it?

[SMACKS LIPS] It was August 26, 1983,

the night of the Pittsburgh Pirates game.

We'd just had the biggest fight of our lives.

I mean, I was so furious and that he walked out right in the middle of it.

Oh, I hate it when they do that. Don't you, though?

So, I saw this shiny thing sticking up out of his gym bag,

And then, I did it.

Did what?

I can't say.

ALL: Suzanne.

Okay.

I put Bengay in his athletic cup.

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

Oh, that is terrible.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES] They lost the game 9-1.

I used to just feel terrible about that.

And how do you feel now?

Like I just won the finals in six beauty pageants.

Another drink? Mmm-mmm.

Oh, but I need a cab to the stadium.

The stadium, what for?

I feel like playing a little hardball myself.

Hey, hiya, Suzanne.

Hi.

Wait! You can't come in here.

Where is he?

Give me that towel.

Dent's wife.

Ex-wife.

[GROANS] Suzanne.

I just came by to tell you what a complete lowlife you are as a human being,

not to mention a husband!

You've been drinking.

That's right.

And we all know what he's been doing, don't we, guys?

Listen, if this is about the book,

I told you I wanted to talk about it.

Oh, just talk, huh?

Well, that would be something new for you.

Where are your pants?

Did you leave them at the hotel,

or do you just not bother to wear 'em anymore?

Listen.

I can explain everything, it's just not now.

Hey, Dent! Do you mind?

Oh, pipe down!

There's nothing here I haven't run into before.

It might interest you to know

I've seen a few other naked men in my life.

[ALL EXCLAIM]

She makes me feel so cheap.

She hasn't seen that many guys naked.

I have, too. Uh-oh.

Look, if this is about the book,

I'm sorry.

That's why I wanted you to read it ahead of time

to make sure you wouldn't be mad.

Wouldn't be mad.

Oh, that is so typical of you.

Jack dense!

I mean, you go around whomping

one half of the Western Hemisphere,

and you want to make sure I won't be mad?

Well, you know how you are.

I figured, what do you care?

We're not married anymore.

But we were married.

And I trusted you.

Maybe, I wasn't the adoring little housewife

sitting at home with that apron...

Apron? You can't even slice cheese. [SNORTS]

That may very well be,

but who was that went out and got your Vitamin "C" pills, huh?

And who cleaned the mud out of your little cleats?

Your maid?

That's right.

Who do you think was paying her for it?

And I'm sure she didn't perform any service

the rest of your wives haven't.

[MAN CLEARS THROAT] And, so, I claim

a small victory here tonight.

The victory of the Pittsburgh Pirates over the Atlanta Braves,

August 26, 1983.

Look, I don't wanna hurt your feelings, but I got to go now.

Is this speech over?

It ain't over till the fat lady sings.

[STAR SPANGLED BANNER PLAYING]

♪ Oh, say, Can you see... ♪

I guess it's over.

Turn that thing down.

Come on.

Let me come by after the game. [SCOFFS]

I want to explain.

Come on.

Suzanne.

Honey.

And as for that... [GRUNTS]

...Not if you were the last man left on Earth, terminally ill,

and the human race's final shot for procreation.

[RINGING]

[MAN OVER RADIO] You're listening t o WXIU.

Randy Garrett here.

[CONTINUES RINGING] We just got a request

from my old drinking buddy Jack Dent.

You know it's hard to turn down a guy

Who's just made 4 and 0 for the season.

[TELEPHONE CONTINUES RINGING] Suzanne.

We know your listening because it's your habit

to tune in after you're in bed.

Now, Jack is phoning you from a close by phone,

and if you don't answer,

he's going to come break down your door.

All I can say is,

I just hope nothing happens to that golden arm,

or, Suzanne,

you could have all of Atlanta to answer to.

Good luck, Dent. Go get 'em, tiger.

CONSUELA: You break in here, I'll kill you with pocket knife.

DENT: No, I have a key. Suzanne's expecting me.

CONSUELA: Get your filthy hands off me.

I get gun, I fix you!

That woman's a maniac.

I know. That's why I hired her.

CONSUELA: Open the door! I kill you!

Would you tell her I'm okay?

CONSUELA: I get the big gun!

It's okay, Consuela. He's not going to be here long,

or else I'll get the big gun.

[BANGS ON DOOR] CONSUELA: That is why you live all loca.

[SIGHS]

Listen, I know you're upset.

I'm sorry about the dirt. I came straight from the ballpark.

Would you mind if I lie down just to talk?

I'll pay to have the sheets martinized.

What do you think you're doing?

Oh, nothing.

For a second I thought I detected a man's outline there.

I'm warning you, Jack.

The only outline anyone's going to find here

is a little chalk with you on the floor after the police get here.

[GRUNTS]

What's the matter?

My head. It's not enough that I make a fool out of myself,

in your locker room, but you have to put us on the radio, too?

I can't help it. I do better when the whole city's cheering me on.

Please, just leave me alone.

Not until you hear what I have to say.

Uh...

You got your deal on backwards there.

How would you know?

Because the breasts go in front.

Please, come on. Let's fix it.

Come on.

Don't even think about it.

I'll close my eyes.

I'll throw up on you.

Look... [CLEARS THROAT]

Suzanne, I just... I just didn't take

this whole book thing that seriously.

I mean, this all started when the first three publishers

turned it down. What publishers?

I just want to write a book about baseball.

They all said the same thing,

"No juice. Where's the inside stuff?"

To tell you the truth, half of it I wrote on a bus

with... and a couple of other guys.

We were just having a good time.

Wait a minute. Let me get this straight.

You're telling me you made this stuff up?

Oh, not the baseball part. Just the groupie stuff.

Personally, I think it's a pretty good book.

Did you read the chapter

on how to psych yourself out of a slump?

Honey, you really made this up?

You didn't sleep with any of those women?

Suzanne, in the two years we were married... Three.

Whatever. I didn't sleep with anyone

Who didn't have a quarter inch of facial hair

And snore like a buffalo. [CHUCKLES]

Well, all that shows is a lack of discrimination.

You don't believe me?

Call my mother.

Why would I call your mother?

I don't know. She's a good woman?

Call the guys. Call the coach. They'll tell you.

Suzanne, why would I want anyone else?

You were the best. [CHUCKLES]

You know, even now, when I'm with someone else,

I close my eyes, and I think of you.

Oh, Jack.

All right, I was on a roll.

I just can't believe you thought I wouldn't mind

about all that fooling-around stuff.

Oh, I guess I wasn't thinking.

Hey, I'm a jock.

I've taken a lot of balls to the head.

I just... I just wanted you to see

that I dedicated the book to you.

You did?

I didn't even notice.

Well...

You can be kind of sweet sometimes.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, do you swear on your life,

may lightning strike you down dead,

this is the absolute truth?

You know, that's something I never liked about you,

That casual way you have of sicking lightning on me.

Swear it.

All right. May lightning strike me dead.

And you'll rewrite it?

What if it costs me the deal?

Swear it. Okay.

Okay.

I'd rather seal it with one of these.

Jack, we can't.

Why not? [KISSES] [GIGGLES]

Who cares if we don't get along?

We can still go away for a few days

and do some terrible stuff to each other.

[SUZANNE GIGGLING]

Stop it. Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm going to bed now.

[YAWNS] Okay. Stay here and do some terrible stuff

to each other.

I won't. I'll call Consuela.

Hey, I was just testing.

Wanted to make sure your resistance was back to normal.

You know I don't want to leave you in a weakened condition.

What are you looking for?

Lightning.

Not funny.

Good night.

Okay, how about a real one for old time's sake?

[GRUNTS SOFTLY] Jack.

Okay, okay, I'm going.

Oh, wait. [GIGGLES]

What did the dedication say?

"For Suzanne,

Thank you for being there."

Oh.

"And for having large breasts."

Get out of here.

You're okay, you know that?

Yeah, you're okay, too.

You know, I might throw you a no-hitter tomorrow.

Oh, that'd be nice.

I might even throw in a home run.

I'll be watching.

Oh, one thing. I almost forgot.

You know, about that athletic cup?

Yeah. Now we're even.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]