Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, I just love this movie.

They're showing Dog Day Afternoon on TV this week.

I remember I'd cried so hard.

Al Pacino robs a bank

to pay for his boyfriend's sex-change operation.

You know, what I don't understand is how come you always hear about

men changing into women,

but you hardly ever hear about women changing into men.

My guess is it would be too hard to find a donor.

Okay, I finished another one.

Now, tell me, what do you think?

I think they all look like a police composite

of prostitutes.

Oh, Julia, you're just jealous because you don't draw or paint.

And neither do you.

Vlasco says that I have a unique quality

unlike anything he's ever seen before.

Suzanne, Vlasco is a gigolo from Madrid

who sits by Sissy's pool all day

sipping margaritas.

I'm sick to death of hearing about the Tates.

It's Sissy this, and Shelby that.

Now you're taking art lessons,

Charlene is on the phone with her

half the day, and Mary Jo seems to have taken up permanent residence.

You know the one who's acting the best?

Anthony.

Here is somebody just recently out of prison

with very little money

who could easily be seduced by the Tate's wealth,

but is he? No.

Anthony goes out there, delivers the furniture,

does his job, and gets out.

You don't see him acting all gaga.

How y'all doing?

I know you're thinking,

there's something different about Anthony today,

but I just can't quite put my finger on it.

Anthony, did you take that armoire out to the Tates?

I certainly did.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Isn't that Shelby Tate's hat?

It certainly is.

He says to me this morning,

"Ah, tell me, Anthony.

Do you like watermelon?"

And so I'm thinking,

this is not a good question.

I mean, I'm talking to a guy

who's got four lawn jockeys on his front porch,

and he's asking me if I like watermelon.

Then suddenly,

I see a truckload of watermelon in my future.

So, I say, "Ah, no, Mr. Tate,

I don't much care for watermelon,

but I could use a new pair of tap shoes."

Well, that cracks him up.

So, he takes his hat right off his head

and puts it on mine. [CHUCKLES]

The dude has got a big head, too.

I'll probably shellac it and use it as a waste can.

Well, good morning to you.

Morning.

Is it my imagination,

or didn't you have those same clothes on yesterday?

[CLICKS TONGUE] I spent the night at Sissy and Shelby's houseboat.

I can't believe you stayed out all night with clients.

Neither can I.

I think I just put my babysitter through college.

What were y'all doing?

Well, you see,

Sissy and Shelby want this special color

in their master bedroom, but there's only one place to find it.

They call it... Sweet Tate "R" Green. [CHUCKLES]

They drove you all out of that lake just to look at a life preserver?

Oh, no, no, no.

We flew, in the helicopter.

Then they flew up 30 or 40 more of their friends

and a country-western band

and a complete Cajun food buffet.

I mean, you should've seen

that pile of tails and claws.

It looked like some huge biology exam with cloth napkins.

Well, you know, I've always felt it was a bunch of bunk

that rich people weren't happy.

I mean, that's just something poor people made up

so they wouldn't feel so bad.

Truth is, the rich are having a very good time.

Now, may I remind the three of you

before you get any more stars in your eyes

that this is exactly what's happened to all the decorators

who have worked with the Tates?

They get drawn into their lives.

They start going to parties, accepting gifts,

carousing all night.

And then, they either get fired or quit, whichever comes first.

I wasn't carousing.

At one point I... did have a party hat on,

but somebody put it on my head.

First, it's Cajun food and country-western music.

and then, before you know it,

they've taken you over, body and soul.

Honestly, Julia,

I don't see why someone can't enjoy the party

without you making it sound like there's some giant pod from space

growing in their basement.

That's exactly what I was thinking. [CHUCKLES]

Anthony, I think the van is ready for a reload.

Right. I'm on my way.

Hey. Do you know somebody actually

came up to me last night

and offered me $5,000

to redecorate their daughter's dollhouse?

Can you imagine?

Oh, I'd love for us to take a job like that.

My favorite thing in the whole world

is the house of miniatures at Knott's Berry Farm.

They have these... these two fleas

dressed up like a bride and groom.

And then, in their little flea house, they have

a little flea table and chairs,

little flea bed, little flea teacups, flea silverware...

Please, Charlene. We get the picture.

[GASPS] Mary Jo, Mary Jo, did Sissy tell you?

She's gonna give us all an introductory session

with her psychic.

It's the same one that Pia Zadora uses

and the first one to predict that she would get out of films.

Charlene, I think that Julia's heard enough about Sissy,

for one day.

Oh, all right. Oh, just one more thing.

Sissy also has these peasant women in Scandinavia

who'll actually grow hair for you.

Charlene! Okay, okay.

Here.

And here's my receipt.

What was that?

Oh, it's... [CHUCKLES] It's nothing.

It's a little... Bracelet Sissy gave me. [CHUCKLES] [GASPS]

I didn't want to take it, but she insisted,

'cause I got the toilet on the houseboat unstopped.

I don't know.

It's just this incredible knack I've always had with plungers.

Wait just a minute.

Are you saying that you accepted a diamond bracelet

from her?

[CLEARS THROAT] Julia, I didn't accept anything.

She just took it off her wrist and put it on mine.

I mean... I didn't mean to keep it.

I... I just forgot to return it. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

I don't even know if it's genuine.

Oh, it's genuine, all right.

I took that scarab ring she gave me

and had it appraised.

No, you should've asked me. I could've told you.

I always keep a jeweler's loupe handy.

'cause you never know when some unexpected person is gonna force jewelry on you.

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

That's the genuine thing, all right.

Nice haul.

It's not a haul. I'm not keeping it.

Well, I should certainly hope not.

Julia, if you think you can do better

handling the Tates than me,

just... have at it.

Well, all right. I will.

Fine. More power to you.

As long as you're going, you can return the bracelet for me.

Along with the matching earrings.

Back so soon. How did it go?

Couldn't have gone better.

I simply explained to Sissy and Shelby

that we want to do the best possible job for 'em.

And in order to do that, we have to maintain

a certain professional distance.

And they agreed with that?

Well, of course.

They didn't have any choice.

When I admired their stables,

they wanted to give me a horse.

I turned them down.

And when I refused that,

They insisted on taking me to New Orleans for dinner.

I just said flat-out said no to everything.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, I'll get it.

You see, there's a way of being kind

but nevertheless firm letting people know who's in charge.

Julia, your horse is here.

I don't know, Sissy.

And I really think you outta talk to somebody about this.

You know, the fact that you keep

drawing the same face over and over.

You know, now that I look at it,

it's Bambi.

You're drawing Bambi.

Bambi with bangs, Bambi with a bun,

Bambi with burrets. But it's definitely Bambi.

That is not Bambi.

I'm much deeper than that.

And I would appreciate it if you wouldn't go around saying that

when Sissy has my exhibit.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

I for one like Bambi.

I've just never seen him in full makeup.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Sugarbakers'.

Oh, hi, Sissy.

No, Julia's not down yet.

You know, she lives upstairs. She's usually down by 9:00.

She...

She went to Miami with Shelby?

Well...

No, Sissy, I'm sure they had a very good reason.

They wanted to eat stone crabs.

No, Sissy, there has to be more to it than that.

I don't think Julia would fly a thousand miles

just to get a plastic bib that says,

"I made a pig of myself at Stoneseifer's."

Listen, I got to go. I'll call you later.

Well...

Good morning.

Julia, where've you been?

I've just been out for a little morning walk.

Look at her. She's lying.

You can always tell, because she keeps her head down like that.

We know where you've been, Julia.

You were in Miami with Shelby.

And I think you owe us an explanation.

Well, all right.

I did go to Miami, but I can assure you

it was strictly business.

We can see that.

I can't believe I still have this on.

Fell asleep on the plane.

And you got mad at me for wearing a party hat?

Until now, I didn't realize how busy Shelby is,

and when you're running an empire, time is money.

I still fail to see what this has to do

with your going to Miami with Shelby.

It is very simple.

It's the only time Shelby had

to look at the blueprints for his dressing room.

A-ha. And just how'd you get this bib?

Oh... I got that because I ate more crabs

than three Allstate Insurance salesmen

from Illinois who also made it to the finals.

You know, Julia, for somebody who thought

we were getting too involved with the Tates,

it seems like you're getting

awfully involved yourself.

Yeah, if you ask me, I think Sissy's getting jealous.

Jealous? Don't be ridiculous.

Sissy isn't jealous of me.

Good morning, ladies.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Malcolm Box, private investigator.

And you're Julia Sugarbaker.

Yes, I am. What may I do for you?

Well, I was just outside admiring the Sugarbaker's exterior ambience,

and if you don't mind my saying so,

you got a pretty nice one yourself.

Get to the point.

I see my charm has eluded you.

Would you be kind enough to verify

that this is you and Mr. Shelby Tate

getting on his private jet to go to Miami?

Yes, well, I... had just tripped on the stairs,

and he was trying to help me up.

May I ask what is all this about?

Well, you see, I work for Mrs. Tate,

and my job is to follow Mr. Tate.

You know, it's not easy, because as you know

he's got his own private jet, And I got to go commercial.

What I don't understand is

why do you follow Mr. Tate?

Because Mrs. Tate wants to know

if he's having any fun.

And if he does, I write it down. I record it

just in case she wants to use it

for any future divorce proceedings.

Oh, no. This is terrible. I've been counseling her.

[SIGHING] I... I wouldn't worry about it.

They... they've been going to get divorced for the past 16 years.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know, I... I didn't always look like this.

I used to have other clients,

a wife, kids.

Then I got mixed up with the Tates.

You know, he's been down the Nile six times.

But that arctic expedition that nearly killed me.

First my sled broke down,

then the dogs turned on me.

Excuse me. I have no intention

of signing anything.

And now, I'd appreciate it if you'd take your dirty little briefcase

and your dirty little mind

and get out of our nice, clean store.

MALCOLM: Okay,

but I can tell you that, uh... [DOOR OPENS]

Mrs. Tate doesn't look kindly

on people who don't sign the verification.

And I don't look kindly on people

who have me followed.

I can make it worth your while.

I have a better idea. Why don't you take that

and buy yourself a new trench coat?

Well, if you think I look bad,

you ought to see the guy who's following Mrs. Tate.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Not now. You'll have to call back.

Well, so much for Sissy not being jealous.

Suzanne, don't start with me.

I hardly think that I should be blamed

because Sissy has an overactive imagination

and the bank account to finance it.

Well, maybe not, but none of the rest of us

went off with her husband for the night.

You just went to all the parties

and let the gifts roll in by the truckload.

Excuse me,

but I let you return my diamond bracelet.

We, on the other hand, Have no proof

that you returned your horse.

Well, of course, I did.

You know good and well that Anthony took him back out there.

Did you get a receipt?

I especially, would not be eager

to hear a lecture on gift giving

from the queen of sucking up to the rich.

And just what exactly is that supposed to mean?

All right, let's be honest.

How many of those has Sissy bought so far?

Eighteen.

But I don't consider that a gift,

I consider that an investment.

I think it's very mean of you to suggest otherwise.

Well, you just called me a horse thief. I did not.

Well, you asked if she got a receipt.

Well, at least I don't have a Rolex watch

in the bottom of my drawer. [GASPS]

How'd you know that?

I was looking for alimony checks.

Charlene,

I cannot believe you kept a Rolex watch.

Well, I wasn't keeping it.

I was holding it in detention. Until when?

Till my conscience got the better of me.

It was about four days away.

And if I wanna talk, Mary Jo, tour diamond bracelet's worth a lot more than my Rolex.

[TELEPHONE RINGING] Oh, get lost!

This is for you, Suzanne, I'm sick and tired of you

always going through my drawers. You're always looking for those

blasted checks From now on, you can keep 'em in your own desk.

I don't have a desk! Well, maybe, Sissy will buy you one.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

Can I ask a question?

ALL: No!

Will you listen to us?

Arguing about a bunch of stuff

that doesn't amount to a hill of beans,

hanging up on customers, ignoring potential clients

who are standing in the middle of our store.

What is happening to us?

I'm sorry.

Me, too. I'm sorry.

Me, too. Uh...

Here. I don't need the watch.

I got Mickey.

Okay, I think it's time we made a decision.

Are we going to be in the Sissy-and-Shelby-Tate business,

or are we gonna become the Sugarbakers we set out to be,

treating each individual customer,

regardless of finances,

with the same care, concern, and attention?

"B." JULIA: What?

The answer's "B."

That's right. I vote for "B."

Me, too. "B."

Well, then, I say let's drive right out to the Tates',

right now and quit before we change our minds.

ALL: All right. [CHUCKLES]

We have this wonderful person to thank...

Joan Q. Public.

How may we be of service to you?

I just wanted to use your bathroom.

JULIA: I guess what we're saying is,

Sugarbakers' is still a small firm,

and your need is greater than our supply.

You deal in his-and-her jets.

We deal in his-and-her towels.

We have other clients to serve. We can't

just fly off to Kansas City or Miami

every time you need to see a new fabric swatch.

And no amount of Rolex watches

or diamond bracelets Is going to change that.

So, what do you need, more money?

You've given us enough money.

We just feel that...

That we're in way over our heads.

Maybe by infinity.

Oh, and, Sissy, I want you to know

I really do appreciate the watch and the perfume.

You're returning the perfume too?

Oh, yeah. But it's got nothing to do with this.

See, I just decided last T.V. season

that if John Forsythe's too stupid

to tell Linda Evans from an imposter I can't wear his cologne.

Now I guess I'll have to send back

the Mustang Convertible, then too.

What, Mustang Convertible?

The one I ordered for you. You said you were having trouble with your car.

Well, I was, but it was...

What color?

Uh, Navy with a camel top.

Automatic? Uh-huh.

I was just kidding. Doesn't matter.

All of this is your fault, Sissy.

If you hadn't had that idiot Malcolm

following Julia and me,

they wouldn't be quitting now.

Well, Mr. Peace Ambassador to the United Nations,

you call off your dogs, I'll call off mine.

You know, I just want to say

that you don't have to pay for my sketches,

unless, of course, you honestly love them.

Oh, but I do. Shelby loves them, too.

That's right.

They remind me of some friends I made in the navy.

We better get going.

No, just a minute. Not so fast.

I don't mind telling you, I don't like this one bit.

Okay.

So, Sissy and I are a little unorthodox.

So what?

That's what makes things worth getting up in the morning for,

turn things up,

doing things a little different, you know.

And what's money anyway?

Well, it's just a bunch of paper

that you trade in for things that you want.

But if you can't spend it on people you like,

what's the point in keeping it around?

That's a very good point.

Well, I just can't even stand the thought of y'all quitting.

I have grown to love each one of you.

Mary Jo, Always so anxious to please.

I mean, if I say I like beige, she'll say,

"Yes, beige is good.

Beige goes with everything."

When Shelby says he hates beige,

she'll say, "on the other hand,

Beige can be incredibly boring."

Suzanne with her sketches

and the chest that I still don't believe isn't silicone.

And that cat-that-ate- the-canary grin.

Charlene, my darling, wonderful new friend.

The only woman I know likes to talk on the phone

more than me. [CHUCKLES]

I promise I won't let you down.

I will find a way to give Waylon Jennings your phone number.

They have the same accountant.

I'm sorry about the private detective, Julia.

I was conducting business as usual,

but I forgot that you are

as unintimidatable as I am. [CHUCKLES]

Same soul, different package.

Shelby do something. I can't stand for them to quit.

They're our most favorite decorators we've ever had.

How about it, ladies?

You're breaking Sissy's heart.

Can't you stay around a couple of weeks

and finish the job?

Hmm. Would you

promise if we did stay to finish the job,

that things would be conducted

in a more businesslike fashion?

Uh, heck yes.

If that's what you want.

We were just trying to be friendly.

[SIGHS] No more gifts?

No more fights? No more phone calls?

You got it. Mmm. All right.

It's just for a couple of weeks.

[LAUGHS] Oh, I'm so excited!

Come on, Let's just get right to work right in this room.

I've been dying to change it.

Well, wait a minute. Just a minute. Hold on.

Y'all got at least 36 other rooms to choose from.

I like this room the way it is.

Shelby, Darling, I've been wanting to redecorate

using the colors in this vase.

Sissy, this is a gun room.

You want to decorate for that vase,

we'll build you a vase room.

What do you think, Mary Jo?

Well, a... A vase room would be nice.

But a gun room is nice, too.

Did you ever think of running for president?

Maybe we should pick another room.

No, I got my heart set on this one.

and Shelby's just being a jackass.

How can you act this way

when we just you promised and to be businesslike?

Because a man has to draw the line somewhere.

And this is my room.

These are my trophies.

This is my gun,

My ammunition.

And if I have to, I'll fight to keep it.

No, that won't be necessary. We agree.

A man's room is his castle, right, ladies?

Absolutely. Yes.

Well, I don't like anything about it

And further more, I am sick and tired of looking at things

that have been dead 15 or 20 years.

And I'm even more sick and tired of them looking back at me.

So, you set on doing this room to match that vase?

You bet I am.

What's your second choice?

Shelby, hon, you're making a big mess in here,

and I do not appreciate it.

I do not like it!

What do you propose to do about it?

How do you like it so far?

Um, don't bother showing us to the door. We know the way out.

I wish you hadn't done that.

Darla and I had a real affinity for that one.

Now you went and made me mad.

I think we're talking emergency evacuation!

Run for your life!

Last one to the car gets...

SUZANNE: All I can say, Anthony,

is I'm glad you were there to drive a getaway van.

MARY JO: Innit the truth? Well, we might've been killed.

ANTHONY: I would've gotten us all over through the electric gate

if the guard hadn't stopped us.

JULIA: Well, at least, we proved that Sugarbakers' doesn't belong to anybody,

but us. That's called integrity.

But you got to admit,

they really know how to say they're sorry. [ALL LAUGH]

We're trash, but we deserve it.

Well, like I always say,

there's integrity, and then there's mink.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]