Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

So... There I was seated on the dais

Three seats from Andrew Young.

So I have to act interested,

Even though I'm bored positively just out of my skull.

I mean it's no big deal for me to be three seats from the mayor.

I've had dinner at the White House,

thank you very much. [GASPS]

I don't believe it! What?

This letter from my Mama.

My Aunt Liz been researching our family tree.

And there's a chance we might be related to Loretta Lynn.

You know what that means?

You're going to have to start cooking with Crisco?

No, silly. But if I ever go to Nashville,

I can probably go see the Grand Ole Opry for free.

Oh, I think Loretta Lynn's so adorable.

And she's so true to Doo, even though he's a little bit fat.

You'd be fat, too,

if you ate nothing but pie crust.

Excuse me, but I believe I was in the middle of a scintillating story

when I was rudely interrupted for a hillbilly bulletin.

Trust me, Suzanne. That story was not scintillating.

I'd expect something like that from Julia,

but you're sure in a nasty mood today.

I know.

I don't why. I guess it's Quint.

All of a sudden, he's decided that my opinion

is just completely worthless.

What makes you think that?

'Cause every time I say something, he rolls his eyes up

and hits himself in the head like this...

Which either means, "I could have had a V-8,"

or "I could've had a mother

"who's not the stupidest woman left on earth."

Oh, c'mon, Mary Jo, all kids go through that know-it-all stage.

Oh, no! This is more than a know-it-all stage.

He's just completely obnoxious.

Last week the teacher told me

that he'd been passing out fruit roll-ups at recess

to certain little girls,

And then demanding that they go steady

with him and his friend.

Go steady?

How old is Quint?

Six.

My son is a 6-year-old grade school pimp.

Well, now, you know You should take my advice on children.

Now, once they're housebroken,

They go straight off to military school.

And then if they make good grades,

They can come home when they're 21

providing they don't play their stereo too loud.

That's very good, Suzanne.

I can tell you've got a lot of insight into this.

After all, she's raised three parakeets,

and not one of them's ever gotten into trouble.

I can tell you from experience

having raised a son myself

that it pays in the long run

to be a little tough,

even when they're just six years old.

I completely agree with you.

That's why last night I sat Quint down

and said, "Look, I don't care what your friends at school call you.

"I'm your mother,

"and I don't have to refer to you as The Slickster."

[TELEPHONE RINGS] Mary Jo, could you get that for me please?

Sugarbaker's.

Yes, she is. Can I say who's calling?

Mm-hmm. Charlene, it's for you. Monica Marlin?

Monica Marlin?

I don't know any Monica Marlin.

Hello.

Yes, this is she.

Of course I remember you.

Uh, well, gosh, yes, it sure has been a long time.

Just exactly how long has it been?

That long!

Wow, what do you know about that?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Is this who I think it is?

Monette? Monette Marlin?

Oh, this is incredible! I can't believe it.

You know your mama wrote from Pensacola

and said you'd moved to St. Louis.

When'd you move here?

How'd you know where to find me?

[CHUCKLES] You're kidding. Oh, yes, I know that house.

It's a great old house.

You want us to redo it?

Oh, Monette, this is great. Now, I'm the Office Manager,

But I have to be in on this one. When are you free?

Sure, this afternoon's fine. How about two o'clock?

Oh, that's great. All right Monette, I'll see you then.

Bye-bye.

You will never in a million years

guess who that was.

Monette Marlin.

You went to high school together.

She moved to St. Louis.

Now her parents have moved to Florida.

She just moved to Atlanta, changed her name to Monica,

bought an old house, and wants us to redecorate it.

That's uncanny. How'd you do that?

She's psychic.

Oh, you guys.

Now we're both from Poplar Bluff.

I always looked up to her.

She was older than me and everything I wanted to be.

You know, she was kind of sexy and aloof.

She was the only cheerleader who wasn't bouncing around

all the time, you know what I mean?

I mean she was cool, you know?

She had this kind of quiet pep.

An incredible combination.

Well, Monette felt a sort of bond with me

'cause all the other cheerleaders had rich daddies.

Our families didn't have very much money.

Also, I think she felt sorry for me

because I had a crooked cartwheel.

Well, I've always said you can survive being poor,

but if your cartwheel is off...

No, I mean it! I never would have made the squad

if it hadn't been for her.

Wonderful story.

Now I don't mean to sound unsentimental,

but does Monette have money now?

Well, she must have. She's bought the Chadwick House.

Not bad.

That is a huge old house.

Well, it's not that big.

I mean, it's not as big as, say,

well, my house.

That's true, Suzanne.

It's also not as big as the Empire State Building

or the Grand Canyon,

but we're not redoing either one of those.

This is so exciting.

This could be our biggest job yet.

Plus I get to see Monette.

Now, you guys, why don't y'all grab some lunch.

I'm gonna go home and change my clothes. I'll meet you there.

Change your clothes? What for?

Well, I just want to look a little more...

successful.

Um, what do you think I should wear?

Well, for starters,

both those black sweaters of yours are too tight for ya.

And all your skirts are too short.

And as long as we're on the subject,

I certainly wouldn't come

in that purple caftan with the hood.

Just makes you look like a shepherd.

Thank you, Suzanne.

I was just asking for a suggestion,

not a complete glamour makeover.

Bye.

Wait! Too late.

I know.

Now she's probably going to show up

wearing those "Hands Across America" earrings.

So that's basically the house.

I think you'll find me very easy to work with.

Just remember I hate red.

Other than that, you can do anything you want.

Well, there's certainly a lot of rooms here.

Have you thought about a budget?

Not exactly.

I'd like to keep it somewhere between $100 and $150,000.

Oh.

Well, I...

I think we can handle that.

I wonder what on earth is keeping Charlene.

She was so excited to see you again. [DOOR OPENS]

She is right here.

Charlene! Monette!

Monica! Oh, whatever!

You look wonderful!

Oh, thank you. So do you.

I can't believe I had a flat tire on the way here.

I've never had a flat tire in my whole life.

I had to run the last ten blocks.

You sweet thing! Don't you all just love her?

We do.

She's always had the best heart of anyone I know.

She just had one fault,

And that's picking the wrong men.

Tell me, has she gotten any better?

ALL: No.

Thank y'all lots.

You know she was the only girl at our prom

whose date didn't wear a shirt.

Why does this not surprise me?

Ernie Richardson.

Oh, what a juvenile delinquent he was.

Whatever happened to him?

He's the president of a bank in Memphis.

Really, how do you know?

'Cause I dated a guy who robbed it.

[GIGGLES]

Is she wonderful or what?

She is.

C'mon, I want to show you the rest of the house. They've already seen it.

Make yourselves at home.

MAY JO: Thank you.

Well, what do you think?

Well, she doesn't seem all that sexy and aloof to me.

I was talking about the house.

[SIGHS] Seems sort of drafty.

It's old.

It's huge!

It's 100...

To $150,000.

Excuse me for one moment, please.

[INAUDIBLE SCREAM]

Thank you. I just had to get that out of my system.

It's incredible, isn't it?

And the best part is,

We didn't even have to try for this job.

It sort of fell into our laps.

[DOOR OPENS]

Oh, excuse me, ladies.

Is, uh, Monica here?

No, she's upstairs with someone.

She'll be down in a minute.

All right. Thank you.

I sure would love to see this room

in something like, uh...

Apricot.

Hmm. Teal accents.

Oh, that'd be gorgeous.

JULIA: Gorgeous. Big bronze sculptures.

She's got an awful lot of pretty things that we could use.

What d'you think we should bleach... What's with this guy?

I don't know. Let's keep talking.

Maybe he'll go away.

Excuse me for interrupting your conversation again,

but I was just wondering

if I was to ask for you specifically,

would I get you?

I have no idea what you're talking about,

but somehow I feel absolutely safe

in saying the answer is no.

Why, I'm sorry. I thought you worked for Monica.

Well, we do,

but we kind of just started.

Oh?

What do you mean, "Work for Monica"?

I mean, uh...

You know.

You mean...

That's right.

Are you saying that this is a...

And M-Monica is a...

That's the way it worked when I was here last week.

No wonder she has so many bedrooms.

I was trying to convince myself

it was an orphanage.

Wait a minute.

I get it.

It's a joke, isn't it? I mean it's like Candid Camera's...

[GASPS]

I heard they were bringing it back into syndication.

I bet that's what it is! They could be right here in Atlanta!

That's what it is, isn't it?

We're on Candid Camera!

I don't know, honey, but if that's true,

I'm in a lot more trouble than you are.

CHARLENE: That was so much fun. We talked about things

I hadn't thought about in years...

Like that pink jackass story.

Monette and I stole it because our school mascot was the mule.

We were the Poplar Bluff mules.

Did I ever tell y'all that story?

Yeah, you told us.

I mean, nobody believes I knew a pink jackass.

bit, it's true It's one of those quirks of nature.

Charlene, sit down.

We want to talk to you about Monette.

Oh, no! I don't like the sound of that.

Every time you say, "Charlene, sit down,"

It's bad news. now, just tell me standing up.

What is it? What? What? Monette's a man.

MARY JO: No.

But we have reason to believe

she's practicing the world's oldest profession.

Monette's a carpenter?

Charlene, Monette's a madam.

You mean like...

Like in prostitute?

It looks that way.

I can't believe y'all think such a thing.

Charlene, while you were upstairs with her,

two different men tried to purchase Julia.

And that just shows the type of clientele she has right there.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means her operation is probably over the hill.

I mean clients usually want much younger stuff.

Stuff?

You know what I mean.

Now, I'm not trying to be unkind, Julia,

but I don't think there's too many women

cutting it in your age bracket.

Well, that may be, Suzanne,

but I didn't notice anybody knocking down the door

to get a crack at you.

I... I probably intimidated them.

As my ex-husband Dash Garth the writer used to say,

"There are some mountains so majestic..."

"Even brave men dare not approach."

Well, then, I guess nobody

felt like climbing you.

Okay!

Can we stop?

That is not the point.

The point is, Charlene...

I know this is so difficult for you to accept.

I just want you to know that we're here for you. And we care.

But in the meantime,

no way am I decorating a 19-room whorehouse

for some two-bit floozy

who just blew in from St. Louis.

Julia! No, I mean it.

Not even for $100,000.

I will decorate a greenhouse, a henhouse,

A doghouse.

I will even decorate an outhouse,

but I will not decorate a whorehouse.

There must be some mistake. I mean,

she told me herself she had a bunch of roommates coming in.

Oh, c'mon. How many women her age

do you know living with a bunch of roommates?

Charlene, What did she tell you she does for a living?

She's in marketing and public relations.

Well, that's close.

That doesn't make any sense.

I mean, Monette and I sat next to each other

in vacation Bible school.

Look, we all have heroes that disappoint us.

It's just a fact of life.

I used to be wild over Anita Bryant.

I wanted to walk like her, talk like her,

I even wanted to have her hair.

You do have her hair.

Thank you.

But then she got off on that homosexual thing.

It just kind of turned me off, you know?

I mean she became obsessed with it

and stopped showing up at pageants,

and for what?

I mean, it wasn't like she was some homely girl

who had to worry about all the homosexuals

stealing all the good-looking men or anything like that.

And you know,

the last time I saw her,

even her hair looked sort of deflated.

What's your point?

I forgot. What was the question? Suzanne!

The question is,

can we afford to turn down a $100-150,000 job?

Now when you get right down to it,

we can't control what goes on

in any of the bedrooms we've done. I mean,

for all we know!

There could be an orgy going on right now

in one of our bedrooms,

Hordes of naked people

swinging from one of our antique light fixtures.

Writhing masses of unclad bodies

wallowing on our custom-made chintz pillows...

You've been watching cable tv again, haven't you?

I have not.

Well...

There's no point in going on with this argument

until we find out for positive sure

that Monette does what you think she does.

How do you propose we find out?

We're going to ask her.

I was going to tell you, Charlene.

I was waiting till we got little better reacquainted.

Reacquainted?

As far as I'm concerned, Monette,

you are a completely different person

than the person I grew up with.

I'm the same person, Charlene.

I just happen to do something for a living you don't approve of.

Frankly, I don't need your approval.

I never did.

I know that!

Don't tell me you haven't changed!

I mean, we didn't even do it with anybody

in high school, we made a pact

to save ourselves till marriage.

Now, d'you remember at the drive-in?

You wanted me to think

You were making it with Dennis Dobner in the backseat.

You guys were rocking the car back and forth.

And I wouldn't turn around 'cause I knew you were trying to get me.

I mean You were doing it with Dennis in the back seat at the drive-in?

I don't believe it!

He wasn't the first.

Who was? Herthel Welker.

Herthel Welker?

That's right.

There was Billy Joe Parkson,

Donny Jones, Danny Hogg, the Green brothers...

Bruce and Don? No.

Goose and Bill. Bruce and Don were in the army.

Anyway, George McCall, Snooky Dunne...

Snooky Dunne? I thought he was going with Randa?

He did. But she was doing it with Bob Belford.

Randa was, too?

Charlene, we're talking about a small town with one movie.

C'mon, The Ghost of Mr. Chicken was held over for six weeks.

Everybody was doing it but you.

But Randa was in on our pact.

I know.

You're the only one who kept the pact

and saved herself for marriage.

Now you're the only one who never married.

Life's funny, isn't it?

Yeah. Life's a riot, Monette.

Why are you telling me all this stuff?

'Cause you asked.

Look, Charlene,

I know you want some sort of explanation

about why I do this for a living,

like I was sexually abused as a child

or my husband left me.

But that isn't the case.

it's true I had too many kids in my family. So did you.

But, you got a lot of love.

We got a lot of the back of my Daddy's hand.

I probably started out looking for a little affection,

But when I figured out

I could make a great living working my own hours

and have a place like this,

well, it was too hard to turn down, so I didn't.

And I'm very proud of how well I've done.

As a matter of fact,

I was just elected Executive Secretary of my union

at our international convention in Copenhagen.

Well, congratulations. Isn't that something?

Wait a minute. You mean prostitutes are unionized?

We certainly are. And for the record,

I prefer to be called a love consultant.

Look, this isn't any of my business.

As far as I'm concerned you can call yourself

The Princess of Whoopee,

But you're still a hooker. Julia!

Well, I can't help it. It's the truth.

While I agree with your right to control your body,

I can't help but be angry at women like you,

because you diminish the rest of us.

I'm sorry I don't know what you mean.

I mean It's the same kind of anger that I feel when I walk past a newsstand

and see a tabloid with a nude woman on the cover,

wearing a dog collar, standing next to a man with a whip.

And I think to myself, "That woman is a member of my sex."

Suddenly my face feels hot,

and I feel embarrassed to be a woman.

and I feel angry because I know

that if that were a black man in a dog collar,

with a white man whipping him,

That picture would not be allowed

on a public sidewalk.

I'm afraid, I don't get the connection.

The connection is, by choosing to be a prostitute,

you perpetuate that image of woman as victim,

exploited, dependent, abused, a...

Slave.

If you will.

And you embarrass me in 1987,

just the way a slave would embarrass a black person.

A slave?

You must be joking.

I make very good money for what I do.

Yes, you do.

But it's the rest of us who have to pay for it.

SUZANNE: Well, if you ask me,

what you're doing is economically stupid.

I didn't ask. Anyway, I find that a little incredible

since you don't know how much I make.

You don't make half as much as me.

And I can guarantee it.

Three ex-husbands.

The way I see it,

marriage is much more profitable.

To me, it's like buying a new car.

See. First of all, you people don't even have a contract.

Then you only charge the guy

according to how much he drives it.

Now, if you marry him, he has to pay for the entire vehicle

whether he ever drives it again or not.

And alimony ensures that he will make those payments

even if he wants to get a newer model.

Believe me, I have lifetime security,

and you're just flying through the air without a net.

This is your sister, right?

Yes. She diminishes us, too.

But her I can deal with.

What is it that you ladies do for men

that's kept them coming back for centuries?

Well, you're not going to believe this,

but a lot of my time is spent in just talking and listening.

Isn't that incredible?

And I know all these men

who just fall asleep on the couch every night

while their wives climb the walls from boredom.

And then they go out and pay somebody to hear them talk.

Fascinating, isn't it?

Well, I'd love to continue this little tete-a-tete,

but I do have an appointment.

Perhaps sometime we could get together

on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Well, while we're being perfectly candid,

may I give my final impression of you?

Gee, I'd hate to be the one who tried to stop you.

I just want to say that,

I don't think you're half as pleased with your life

as you pretend. As a matter of fact,

I think you're getting ready to get out of the hooker business.

Is that so? Yup.

You're a bright, capable person.

I've been pretty insulting,

and you haven't put forth much of an argument

defending yourself. Also, you got in touch with Charlene

after you haven't seen her for 12 years.

I think you're testing the water.

You know, you're kind of obnoxious...

But we could probably be friends.

Maybe in some sort of lifeboat situation.

But, just 'cause we're not decorating your house

doesn't mean we couldn't have lunch sometime.

And that goes ditto for me.

I have to check my book.

Come on, you guys. She's my friend.

now, Monette. I'm gonna tell you straight out.

I don't want you to do this for a living.

Do your parents know you do this for a living?

Charlene, my parents don't even know I smoke.

You smoke, too!

Monette, that is so bad for you.

I don't wanna give up everything at once.

I have to keep at least one vice.

Now, we both come from the same place,

and I know Monette, and I love her,

but I don't know this Monica person.

This is going to sound kind of corny,

But we could put all the expensive designer wallpaper

in the world in this house,

and it still wouldn't make your life as beautiful

as having a man who loves you

and who'll take care of you

when you're old and when you're sick.

You know, and friends who respect you.

Well, that's the bottom line.

I just want you to promise me you'll think about that.

I've been thinking.

You have?

Yes.

You know, for somebody

who's over 30 and single,

you're awfully naive and romantic.

Oh, yeah, I'll never give up.

My prince is out there somewhere.

He's probably being held hostage

in some foreign prison.

Take care of yourself. I will. You call me.

Oh. Excuse me.

Sorry, Monica. Am I on time?

No, you're late. Can't you see she's smoking?

We'll work on that one later.

Well...

You don't look too busy.

Finally.

A man with some taste.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]