All language subtitles for Designing.Women.1993.S01E12.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.H264.AAC-PTerWEB_track3_[eng]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Good morning.

Hi.

Guess what.

Jerry Lee Lewis will be
at the convention center this Saturday,

and I got tickets.

I thought you had
those tickets before.

I did. Three times.
He never showed up.

Just once before I die,
I want to see Jerry Lewis in concert.

This could be it.
Now, c'mon, go with me.

No, thanks. I can't.
J.D. and I are going out, [CLICKS TONGUE]

Although,
I probably shouldn't.

Why not?

'Cause the kids are spending
every night this week with Ted

because he asked
for extra time 'cause he's going to a medical convention.

I just... I hate
not to have them on the weekend, too.

Why? Is he still
spoiling them?

His idea of compensating
for the divorce

is letting them have
French Fries for breakfast.

So, when they come home,
I'm Attila the Hun

who makes them eat grapefruit.

You make them
eat grapefruit?

I put sugar on it.
Charlene, that's not the point.

I know but I just
hate grapefruit.

Then I won't make you
eat any, okay?

I mean, they're just getting
so materialistic, particularly Quint.

[MOCKINGLY]
"Daddy has a Jaguar."

"Daddy has a swimming pool."

Oh, c'mon, he's only 6.
He'll get over that.

The other night, after hours
of watching Gone With the Wind,

his only question is,

"Was Rhett Butler
a millionaire?"

Was he?
I mean before the war.

Charlene, that's not the point.

I know, I'm just wondering.

I watched it, too,
for the 27th time.

Doesn't it just make you sick?
What?

That they don't make
them like Rhett anymore?

I mean, he was so heroic.

I guess I don't even think
about stuff like that anymore.

I mean, you know,
if there is one thing I pride myself on,

it's the way
I'm bringing up my kids.

The other day when Ted
brought them home, he said,

"You better watch out."

"You just might turn into
an unfit mother,"

That's the most
ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Nobody's a better mother
than you.

You bake cookies
all the time,

you never miss
a school program,

you're up all night
the night before Halloween.

Now you name me another
mother who'd bother to shellac a dinosaur outfit

so that the scales
would look wet.

[MOUTHS] Thank you.

I mean, J.D. And I
have never even done it,

and this man, who has
hot and cold running women in his house,

is accusing me
of being an unfit mother?

You and J.D.
have never done it?

Charlene,
that's not the point.

It's not that I even care
so much what Ted thinks.

It's just that he does have
an awful lot of money

and he might be able
to convince people

that he could raise them
better than me.

Oh, no. Mary Jo,
now you stop that.

Nobody's going to take
Quint and Claudia away from you.

Ted's just trying
to control you.

You can't let him stop you
from living your own life.

You have kissed J.D.,
haven't you?

Charlene, I should think
it would be enough

that I bring in most
of Sugarbaker's clients.

I mean, it's not easy
wining and dining

a different person
every day,

and trying to think of
something stimulating to say about interior decorating,

but if I can get myself
out of bed every morning

put on a face like this
and get myself dressed this nice.

The minimum
you could do, as the Office Manager,

is to tell me whether
or not the people I'm gonna be having lunch with

are homosexuals.

Suzanne, this may come
as a surprise to you,

but I don't consider
a person's sexual persuasion any of my business.

That's personal, you know
like if you've ever been arrested

or voting for Richard Nixon.

I voted for Richard Nixon.

That's not the point!

I've wanted to say that
to somebody for so long.

I don't think
you understand

the trouble I go to
for these lunches.

I mean, do you think
I would have worn this uncomfortable dress,

Cut tight
just below the bodice,

if I'd known I was
gonna be having lunch with homosexuals?

It was
a complete disaster.

Why?
What did you do, molest them?

Of course not.

It's just
a whole different way of relating.

I mean, you don't flirt.

You don't give
certain kinds of looks.

I need time
to get myself into that mode.

Well, are you able
to communicate

with us heterosexuals again,
or is it too soon?

Funny not.

The rest
of my alimony checks come in yet?

Yes. I color coded them
according to length of marriage.

Hi, Julia.

Oh, did you find
a birthday present for Payne?

JULIA: Yes.
Julia, why didn't you tell me?

I mean, here I am,
his only aunt and I...

Do you think
he'd like a pen with my name on it?

BOTH: No.

What did you
get him?

I finally found him
a pair of pigskin boots,

which is what he said
he wanted.

But of course shopping
being what it is today,

It would have been
much simpler to go out into the woods

and wrestle a pig
barehanded.

Well, I see we've had
another altercation

with the public at large.

There was no altercation.

I simply refuse to be
pushed around by department stores

where nobody cares anymore
because they're all been bought by major corporations

who put teenagers
in charge of the merchandise,

who haven't got a clue
as to where to find it!

Whatever happened
to service with a smile...

"How may we
help you, thank you, and come again?"

I'll tell you
what happened.

They went with
that little fellow at the gas station.

What little fellow?

You know
that little fellow

in the neatly
pressed uniform and bow tie

Who always used to say,
[CLICKS TONGUE] "Fill 'er up, Ma'am?"

Yeah, I miss that guy.
What happened to him?

They killed him.

Who killed him?

All those vacuous,
slack-jawed people

who sit in their
little glass booths

and tell you
to pump it yourself.

That's right.

There is just no sense

of style or grace
or pride anymore.

It is a "pump it yourself,

$4.95, all-you-can-eat" world.

Charlene: Yeah.

Have y'all noticed
how repair people

who come to your house
don't look like Mr. Rogers anymore?

Isn't that the truth?

They all look like
mass murderers.

I mean, sometimes
I have to stop and think to myself,

"I want
my dishwasher fixed,"

"but do I want it
bad enough to die for it?"

What're you taking?

Ted's old vitamins.

Don't they lose
their potency after a while?

Yeah. So did he.

Mary Jo!

I'm sorry.
I know that was tacky. I'm mad at him.

What's the matter?
Is he trying to run your life again?

You know,
I think he can't stand it.

'Cause J.D.'s the first man
I've cared about since the divorce.

It's that old double standard.

You know, he can have
all the girlfriends he wants,

but you're
supposed to just be

the mother
of his children.

And Janet, J.D.'S ex-wife,
isn't much better.

I mean, I don't believe
we've spent one evening together

when she hadn't called
to say that something is stopped-up,

flooded, or overdrawn.

I just hope
I never run into her.

Or I might have to give her
a piece of my mind.

[DOOR OPENS]

May we help you?

Yes.

I'd just like to know
which one of you bitches

is Mary Jo Shively.

ALL: She is.

Excuse me?

Janet Shackelford,
J.D.'S wife.

Well, what a coincidence.

We were just...

Excuse me.
There is an "ex" in there, isn't there?

Don't you count on it.
That's why I'm here.

I get the distinct impression
you think your relationship with J.D.

just might be
going somewhere.

Let me save you a lot
of time and trouble. It isn't gonna happen.

Our divorce
was a mistake.

And we're in the process
of trying to rectifying that now.

And I for one
do not appreciate your interference.

So I suggest you go back
to your own ex-husband

or try to find a man
who doesn't have three wonderful children

and a wife
who's been at his side for 14 years.

Because when it comes
to J.D.,

I'm one customer
you don't want to cross.

I'm sure we
understand each other.

And one other thing.

J.D.'s descriptive powers

have always been
somewhat lacking,

but I can see this time
he was right on target.

When I asked
what you look like,

he said you were
just average.

Well, I guess
you told her.

[DOG BARKING]

I just don't understand
where she would've gotten the idea

that y'all were gonna
get back together

if you'd
never mentioned it.

You don't know Janet.
No, you don't know Janet.

You seem to think of her
as this this helpless person.

Trust me.
The woman I met today could've taken Poland.

Yeah, well,
she's been going through

this assertiveness
training thing.

Oh, well,
that's all I need.

A boyfriend
with an ex-wife

in Rambo school.

I promise you it will
never happen again.

J.D., I didn't
even know you

till you were divorced.

She made me feel like...

...the other woman.

Oh, Mary Jo, don't pay
any attention to that.

She didn't even want me
when she had me.

I mean
we never shared the same dreams.

I wanted to be
in baseball.

She wanted a guy
with a coat and tie

and hemorrhoids.

She also said
when she asked you what I look like,

you said...

"Just average."

What? No. I never said
you were average.

I said you looked fine.

Fine?

Well, actually,
I think I said mighty fine.

Oh, c'mon, you know
I think you're fantastic looking,

but it's not the kind of thing
you tell the woman you were used yo be married to.

I mean, what am I
going to say?

You know, see,
my new girlfriend's got these great...

No. I don't have
these great...

Yeah, but you've
got a great...

You think so?

You think I'm spending
all this time with you

for your mind?

My heavens,
look what time it is.

That ballgame's
almost over.

Ted'll be bringing
those kids back any minute.

Yeah, I know.
Ted's always bringing the kids back.

That's
Ted's middle name.

Ted "Bring-the-kids-back
any-minute" Shively.

Oh, now,
come on, J.D.

don't be bitter.

Look, uh,
you know, Mary Jo,

I--I don't mean
to be pushy or anything, but,

we've been
going out for, what, three or four years now?

Months.

Yeah. Uh, I--I was just
I--I was just thinking

that at some point,

Uh, being

a normal,
red-blooded American couple,

that maybe we should
give a little thought...

J.D...

I just need
a little time.

Time, right.

Julia, do you mind
if I ask you a personal question?

I guess so.
How personal is it?

Do you think
I'm sexy?

Before you married Hayden,
had you ever

done it with anyone else,
and...

...if not,
then after Hayden died,

did you find it
a little difficult

the first time
being with Reese,

and assuming you have been
with Reese, and if not then whoever.

Or maybe no one at all.

Well put.

Trust me, I wouldn't ask

if it wasn't
absolutely necessary.

Well, maybe I can forgo
a little privacy

for the sake
of a good friend.

Now if you and J.D.
have been together all these months,

and if
you really love J.D.,

and if nothing
has happened yet,

then I think it's time

you took the top
off the cookie jar.

Well put.
Thank you.

[BLENDER WHIRRING]

You know, Mary Jo,

I don't know why you always
go to Julia for advice.

I mean I'm the one
who has the most experience with men.

I remember
all my first times.

Of course, I'm not gonna
share the intimate details,

but afterwards each
one of them cried.

Don't y'all just
love grateful men?

Who ordered salami?

I did.

Suzanne, if I were you,

I wouldn't be
telling that story.

Sounds to me
like you had

some very
dissatisfied customers.

Well, they married me,
didn't they?

You know, Suzanne, I've always
tried to picture you

and each of
your ex-husbands in bed.

Charlene!
I worry about what people are like in bed.

Don't you wonder
about things like that?

ALL: No!

I do.

Like the other morning

I was wondering about
Prince Philip and Queen Elizabeth.

I mean don't you wonder
if he ever just reaches over

and grabs her
and starts tickling her?

No. I don't think he can
get past that purse.

I wonder
what's in that purse.

Charlene!
I'm sorry, but I wonder about everything.

You know, like what the words
to Mack the Knife mean

and how they make
that cat dance in that commercial.

I mean,
I got a cat...

ALL: Charlene!

I'm sorry.
I'll stop.

Pass the coleslaw.

Do you ever wonder
who Cole was?

Hey, everybody.
Where's Charlene?

I need my messages.

She had
a doctor's appointment.

Anthony,
where have you been?

We've been waiting for you
to take those Chinese dogs to Barbara Clifton's.

I know.
I'm sorry.

An unfortunate
circumstance has come up,

and I may have
to relocate to another planet.

What happened?

First of all, let me ask
this impertinent question...

...do any of you
have $5,000?

ALL: No.

Then I'm definitely
going to have to relocate.

You see, some friends
of mine and I

went over to Memphis
to the dog races

with this guy
named Mr. Beebe.

I can tell
this is going to be a classy story.

Oh, now, Julia.
I don't want to hang out with hoods and thugs.

I had enough of that
During my own unfortunate incarceration.

All I want now
is to go to junior college,

get one of those
sweaters that buttons down the front,

and join
the Pep Club.

But, people just
will not leave me alone.

Anyway, this woman
named Juanita

takes a liking to me
at the track.

But nobody bothers
to tell me

that this is
Mr. Beebe's girlfriend.

And so now because I publicly
humiliated him

and ruined his weekend,

I've got to get
$5,000 together

to play poker with him
on Saturday,

or he's going to have
every bone in my body broken.

Who's Mr. Beebe?

The slacks king
of the South.

Men's pants, you know?

He's from
Beebe, Arkansas.

The dude is
loaded and dumb.

Man, it really
makes me mad

when I meet
a dumb rich person.

I don't
understand.

Why $5,000?

He said that's how much
the weekend cost.

Why do you
have to play poker?

So it can't be
called extortion.

Somehow, I don't think
I'll be dealt many good hands.

Anthony, does this Mr. Beebe
know where you work?

Yes, he does.

And so do Clifford and Otis.

Who are Clifford and Otis?

His bodyguards.

Well, this is just ridiculous,
I'm gonna call the police.

We don't want
people like that hanging around here.

Hey, no please!
Please, don't call the police.

We can work this
out ourselves.

What do you mean "we?"

You see,
all you got to do is tell Mr. Beebe

that I was killed,
you know,

like in
a delivery accident.

You see. He goes to Hawaii
every February, March and April.

And by May he will have
forgotten all about me.

But, he's not gonna believe
such an absurd story.

No, Julia, I'm telling you,
the dude is dumb.

Y'all are just never
going to believe it.

The most incredible thing
just happened to me.

You got your
income tax return?

No, silly.
I don't have cancer.

Hey, that's great,
Charlene!

ANTHONY:
Do you have $5,000?

CHARLENE: No.
What do you mean you don't have cancer?

I mean
I don't have it.

I went to see Dr. Mitchell
for a routine exam,

and he found
a lump in my breast.

I mean, I didn't even
know it was there.

I'll just be out back
loading up the van.

Oh, wait a minute,
Anthony.

There were some
phone messages for you.

Anyway I was worried
sick about this

because two of
my mama's sisters had the same thing, you know.

Oh, here they are.
Uh, the first one was,

"You're dead meat."

The second one was,
"You're dead meat, man."

And the third one was,
"Be there or you're dead meat."

There seems to be some
sort of theme emerging.

Thanks,
Charlene.

Big weekend, huh?

Now wait just a minute,
Charlene.

How does this doctor
know that you're fine?

Did you have a mammogram

or biopsy?

No. He just examined me
and said not to worry

and said
let him worry about it,

and come back
in six months.

Well, I don't like
the sound of that.

Um, I think you
should have a second opinion.

Why should I get
a second opinion? I like this one.

I--I agree
with Julia.

Six months
is a long time.

Yes, Julia and I have
a very close friend,

and she waited
too late.

Well, okay. I'm sorry
to disappoint y'all.

You want me to have cancer,
I'll have cancer.

Charlene,
don't be absurd.

I couldn't just go
to anybody else. Dr. Mitchell's been my doctor

ever since I came to Atlanta.
He's a very nice man.

Charlene, this is not
something you can play around with.

Now, I'm going to go to
the phone to call my doctor and make an appointment.

Julia, no!
I couldn't go behind Dr. Mitchell's back. Ju...

Okay, okay.

I'll call him. I'll ask him
to recommend someone.

I just left.
He probably hasn't gone to lunch yet.

Oh, hi, Becky.

Um, this is Charlene Frazier.

Is Dr. Mitchell around?

Great.

Jerry Lee Lewis tickets.

Oh, hello, Dr. Mitchell.
This is Charlene.

I--I'm sorry
to bother you, but,

You know, I've been thinking
I know it's silly, but,

you know, since I was
kind of worried about that cancer thing,

I thought maybe I should
get a second opinion

if you could
recommend someone...

Not that
I don't trust you,

just to ease my mind.

You couldn't?

I see.

Well, I--I'm sorry
you feel that way.

Okay.

Bye.

Well, what'd he say?

He said if I don't have
faith in him,

I should find myself
another physician.

I'm calling Dr. Knight
right now.

I feel terrible.
Now I insulted him.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Sugarbaker's.

No, he isn't,
he just stepped out. Who's this?

Well, I don't take messages

from people who don't
leave their name.

And let me
tell you something else.

You'd probably be
a lot better off If you spent less time

making hooded telephone calls
to people

and more time
trying to improve yourself like Anthony.

And why don't you just
leave him alone?

He's trying to start
a new life for himself.

He doesn't have $5,000.

He's not showing up
to your poker game tonight.

He's joining the Pep Club.

And you can
just tell Mr. Beebe

to stick that
in his pipe and smoke it.

Well, I don't think

you'll be having
any more problems with those people.

Thank you, Suzanne.

You're welcome.

Have you heard
from Charlene yet?

I wish she'd have left
one of us go to the doctor with her.

I mean, I'm not getting
any work done anyway.

I know I feel the same way.

That's why I took
those hurricane lamps on out to Emma Jean Salinger's.

MARY JO: Oh, Julia,
I would've done that.

What're you doing here?
I thought you had lunch with somebody.

I do, but I forgot
who with.

That's why I came by
to check her book.

Oh, very funny.

What?

"A homosexual, a bisexual,"

"a cross-dresser,
and a eunuch."

What's all that about?

Charlene's weird
sense of humor.

Well, I hope you're
all happy.

I've got my second opinion.

What did he say?

[BREAKING DOWN]
He said I've got cancer.

You know, Charlene.
Most of these things turn out not to be malignant.

Oh, c'mon.
I know the score.

Those two aunts
I told you about, they both died.

And women
in certain families are prone to it.

Well, you know they're
catching it in time. And it's gonna be okay.

I'm telling you I have
a feeling about this. It's not going to be okay.

Are you afraid
of losing a breast?

No, I'm afraid
of losing my life.

I mean, I wouldn't be
happy about having a mastectomy,

but I could live with that.
You know, I mean,

after all, I had
a fake chest all through junior high school.

It's just that...

I've never had children.

I've never been to Europe.

I've never even seen
Jerry Lee Lewis in concert. [CHUCKLES]

[BELL RINGS]

Hi.
Hi.

Look.

Oh. Champagne.

You shouldn't have.

So, how's Charlene?

Oh, I went home
with her after work,

and she said
she'd rather be alone,

So I just told her
I'd call her later.

Listen, honey, we don't
have to do this tonight.

I did decide
not to cook.

Oh, well,
that's--that's okay.

So...

...why don't we just
get the show on the road?

Well, gee,
sweetheart, that's great.

And--And you look great.

Uh, see,
I--I was kind of hoping

that maybe we could
have a couple of drinks,

uh, some candlelight,
maybe a little foreplay?

You know? I--I mean,
it doesn't have to be

like you're reporting
for your Army physical.

Oh!

You're right.

I'll loosen up.

Do you want to do this
downstairs or upstairs?

I don't remember.

Why don't you look
on my application?

Downstairs.
It's quicker.

[CLICKS ON]

♪ Oh, where,
oh, where ♪

♪ Has my little
dog gone? ♪

Hey, nice
music selection.

Puts you right
in the mood.

Quint must have
left that in there.

[CHANGES STATIONS]

There.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

That's better.

J.D., I just can't
go through with this.

It's okay, we're not
in the mood either.

Hey, hey.
No, it's all right.

I mean, I'm not
that needy, okay?

I mean, you don't want
to make love? Fine.

But I'm 34 years old,

and I'm not
going to spend the rest of my life

holding hands with you
and taking cold showers.

That's not a threat.
That's just a fact.

Anyway, I love you,

and that's another fact.

I love you.

J.D., I've just...

I've just been
too embarrassed to tell you.

But I never made love
with anybody but Ted.

You haven't?
No, and I don't know anything about anybody else.

Well, I--I think
we all pretty much follow the same format.

I know.

Maybe I don't know
anything about anything.

I mean, Ted's idea of foreplay

was to grab me
by the ankles and yell,

"Make a wish."

You know, the first time
I saw you,

I wanted to go
to bed with you.

I just keep thinking
that maybe you won't like me.

Maybe Ted didn't like me.

I mean,
he said he did,

but then he always
just ate cereal

and fell asleep.

And had affairs.

Is that what
this is all about?

You think
that was your fault?

You don't have
any idea how desirable you are, do you?

Don't you know
that sometimes you make me breathe hard

just looking at you?

And you have
this softness about you

in the way your chin
is always kind of cocked,

and you got
this great... [GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLES]

I do?
Come here.

[EXHALES]

Listen, I don't care
what we do tonight.

I just want to be
close to you.

[CHUCKLES]

Let's go upstairs.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is that?

I don't know.

Uh, just a minute.

I'll be right there.

QUINTON: Hi, Mom.
Oh, honey, what are you doing home?

Can you believe this? He
brought the wrong pajamas.

He wants the ones
with Garfield on them.

Ted, I think
your story could use a little work.

Hey, how are you,
J.D.?

Ted.

Hey, looks like
you're missing a button there.

Oh.
[LAUGHS]

Oh, hi, Mom.
Hi, honey.

Hi, J.D.
Hi, Claudia.

Look, as long as
we're here.

Can I borrow
your curling iron?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Go ahead and get 'em.

I'm on call this weekend. Do
you mind if I check the service?

Do I have a choice?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Well, yes, he is.

Yeah, just a minute.

It's for you.

Oh. Thank you.

Hello.

You know, Mary Jo,
if you're going to have guys over like this,

maybe you should
just consider going to a motel.

No, I won't consider
going to a motel.

This is my home,

and you are
standing in it

not by invitation!

Well, got to go.
Excuse me. Oh, yep.

Toilet's stopped up
at Janet's again.

Bathroom's flooded.
Pestilence and famine

are just around the corner.

You're kidding.

I mean,
that's ridiculous.

Hasn't she ever heard
of liquid plumber?

Hey, it's been
a fabulous evening.

And you're going to
let her ruin it?

Me? You're the one
with the Brady Bunch.

I'll just try checking
the service again.

They are leaving.

Look, it's just
too much trouble, okay?

Yes, it certainly is,

particularly when you're
on the 24-hour drain squad.

I mean, for Heaven's sake,
they could have irrigated half of China by now

and not have as much
trouble with the pipes.

Oh, yeah? Well, it
still holds up a lot better

than the old Garfield
pajama story.

In fact,
you are so gullible.

Maybe if Ted stays
here long enough, he'll get lucky.

That's it! Get out!

With pleasure.

Gee, I hope I haven't
caused you any trouble.

Ah, but, we did have
had a rough night last night, didn't we?

Yes, we did.

What happened?

Well,
I told off J.D. I told off Ted.

I told off everybody
but the dog,

and I'm going to
get him tonight.

Uh-oh. This was that
special romantic dinner you were planning, wasn't it?

Yes, well, as it turned
out, I didn't actually cook.

I didn't serve cookies,
either.

I know what that means.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

JULIA: Charlene, I told you
to stay home today.

Now, what is
all that stuff?

Just some things
of mine that mean a lot to me

that I wanted
y'all to have.

Charlene, you are not dying.

You are just
having a biopsy.

I know, but
after tomorrow,

I'm going to know I'm dying,
and I might not feel like doing this.

Have you called
your parents yet? No. Absolutely not.

Charlene.
Mary Jo, there are 11 kids in my family.

I don't worry my parents
unless I have to. Okay.

You can call them
after the surgery, okay?

Fine.
[DOOR OPENS]

Where do you want this?

Over there, Calvin.

Who is that man?

Calvin Klein.

CHARLENE:
He's no relation to the clothing guy.

He's just a hitchhiker
I picked up.

Charlene, have
you lost your mind?

I know.

I guess there was a part of me
that was hoping he had a gun.

Oh, excuse me, would you
mind if I used your restroom?

We don't have one.
It's right through that door.

Oh, by the way,
somebody wrote "You're dead meat"

on the front
of your building.

Anthony!

ANTHONY: I know.
I saw it.

They misspelled meat.

Who are you?

Calvin Klein.

Bryant Gumbel.
How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

Anthony, wait, wait.

I--I have a little something
I want to give you.

Moi?

This is
my--my Razorback Hog Hat

from when I used
to live in Arkansas.

Hey, all right.
[CHUCKLES]

Thank you, Charlene.

I don't think I'll
wear it outside, though.

It might not be wise

to bring too much
attention to myself.

Julia, this is
my letter from President Kennedy.

See? It says,
"Dear Charlene,"

"the President
enjoyed your drawing of the White House."

A--Actually, I don't
think he saw it.

Why not?

'Cause I sent a poem.

Anyway, he--he signed
it down there, see?

And...

...he was always
a hero of mine,

That's why I want you
to have it.

Thank you, Charlene.

Uh, Mary Jo,

my personally
autographed picture

of Elvis.

You know how I
felt about him.

Thank you.

I'll treasure it.

Um, Suzanne,

my grandma's
silver hand mirror,

'cause I know
you like to look at yourself,

and I want you
to be happy.

I'll use it every day.

What's in
the other box?

Oh, letters
and some mementos

to all my old boyfriends.
[CHUCKLES]

You know,
I just wanted to say goodbye.

Hey, Charlene,
thanks for the ride.

I hope you don't mind,
but I took a roll of paper towels

and couple
a rolls of toilet paper.

Oh, no.
Help yourself.

It's what
it's there for.

Well, bye.

Bye, Calvin.
Good luck.

Charlene, don't you ever pick
up a stranger like that again.

Did you see his back pocket?
He took our Lysol.

That can'll be dead
by morning.

Well, I'm glad you
all like your gifts.

Yeah, we just love 'em.

There's just one thing
I'd like to know.

What are we supposed
to do with these if you're all right?

Do we have to
give them back?

I want y'all to run upstairs
and get your things together

so I can take you back
over to your daddy's,

'cause I have to go
to the hospital to see Charlene before...

Daddy!
Hi, son.

Hi, Dad.
Hi, honey.

Uh, I tried calling you at
work, but you'd already left.

I invited Janet and
Ted to come over here

so we can get everything
all worked out, okay?

Uh, Claudia, could you
take Quinton upstairs

and watch TV for a little while?

Mom, can J.D. and
Daddy spend the night?

No, they cannot.

Why don't you run on upstairs?

Shoot.

You are so dense.

Well, what a surprise.

Did everybody get
something to drink?

Yeah, yeah, everybody
got something.

Honey, why don't you
sit down right here?

How'd you get in?
I have a key, remember?

Oh, yeah.
You have a key?

I do, and I don't think
that's any of your business.

Listen, buddy, everything that
goes on here is my business.

It is not.
It certainly is.

He makes the house payment,
doesn't he?

He most certainly does not.

I don't get alimony.
I just get child support.

You mean you put him all
the way through medical school

and you don't get alimony?
Dumber than I thought.

Well, at least I helped
support my husband.

Are you calling me a sponge?

I'm just saying, if you didn't
help build the ship before it set sail,

don't be standing on the dock

with your hand out
when it comes in.

She's calling me a sponge!

Janet, Mary Jo, sit down.

All right, now,
uh...

Now the reason
that I wanted us all to get together today

was to
talk about how we,

as four
mature adults,

can peacefully coexist.

But, of course,
we're already starting in the hole,

because we don't have
four mature adults.

I'm not even sure
we have two,

but nevertheless...

I think I speak
for Mary Jo and myself

when I say that
we intend to build a life together

and that you, Janet,
and you, Ted,

can be our friend
or you cannot be our friend,

but you're not
going to stop us.

Now, I--I'll continue to be
a good father to my kids.

And Mary Jo will continue
to be a good mother to her kids,

but we're not married
to you people anymore,

and we're not going to
be at the mercy

of you and your plumbing

or you and your
pajama problems anymore.

Excuse me. If I can
just jump in here...

No, no, no.
I'm not finished.

Now, now, Mary Jo and I
do not care

what the two of you
are doing in your personal lives.

Except we wish you well

and we expect the same
courtesy from you.

So...

Just for your
future information,

We'll no longer be accepting
any phone calls

or answering the door
on Saturday nights.

The only exceptions
will be the following...

"Death..."

"Loss of blood,"

"Excessive vomiting..."

See, Ted? Garfield
isn't on there.

Yes, Suzanne?
It's Anthony.

I'm at the hospital.

Well they've got her pretty
well sedated right now.

Listen,
I was going to make one more delivery,

and then
I was gonna split for the weekend.

It's fine by me.

I'm just sick and tired
of sitting around here waiting on Julia.

We were going
to be coming up at the hospital,

but she had to go
meet somebody.

She's acting
real mysterious about it, too.

By the way,
those cousins of yours get hold of you?

What cousins?
The ones who're in town for the night.

Those are the dudes
that are looking for me.

The poker game's tonight.
That's why I'm trying to get outta here.

I didn't know.

I told 'em where you were.

What? Are you joking me?

No, I'm not joking.
That was half an hour ago.

They'll probably
be there any minute.

Did you tell them
why I was here?

No, I didn't tell them why.

I just gave them
the room number.

I am just sick and tired
of sitting here being mission control

for everybody while
they're all running around.

SUZANNE: Anthony?
Anthony?

[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]

Dr. Mitchell,
I'm Julia Sugarbaker. May I come in?

Yes, but I hope
this won't take long.

I'm on the staff
of three hospitals,

and I still have rounds.

Oh, I understand
how very, very busy you are

and I'll be brief.

I've come because
I'm a close friend of Charlene Frazier's.

Uh, Charlene Frazier's
no longer my patient, so I can't see any reason...

Actually I'm here
not only on Charlene's behalf.

I'm here on behalf
of all your patients.

I don't understand.

I have just
one question.

How many more women
are you going to kill

before you retire?

I beg your pardon!

You see, I've done
a little checking on you, Dr. Mitchell.

And I've discovered
that Charlene is not the first woman

you told
to wait and see.

You said
the same thing

to another close
friend of mine.

Only, at that time,
I didn't know

that you were
her physician.

She trusted you.

She waited
four months

before her breasts
had become so misshapen

she had to come back.

But, by then,
it was too late.

Mrs. Sugarbaker,

I don't think I would
care to discuss with you

medical judgments
you know nothing about.

Medical jargon
doesn't impress me.

I was brought up
in a medical family,

And my grandfather
always said 80% was common sense.

There's nothing mysterious

about having a lump
in your breast.

It's simple.
When you find one,

you have it X-Rayed
or biopsied. I know that.

Most physicians know that.

What I don't understand is

why don't you know that?

Perhaps,
I'm of the old school.

That's not old school.
That's gross incompetence.

Well, it's obvious to me

that you are an emotional,
overwrought woman.

Not emotional, Doctor.

I'm just plain mad.

Which is why
I'm filing charges against you

with the State
Medical Bureau and the A.M.A.

Well, if you want to make
a fool of yourself, be my guest.

But I can assure you

you are in no way qualified
to make these judgments.

I think this meeting is over.

I think so, too.

But as for qualified,

neither are you.

You don't depend
on medicine.

Your weapon
is intimidation.

You're seemingly
a kind, benevolent authority figure

who tells women
to let you do their worrying for them.

Well, there's just
one thing wrong with that, Dr. Mitchell.

You don't have to
do their dying.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Well, well, well.
Ain't this a sight?

Looks like our old friend
Anthony isn't feeling well Clifford.

Yeah.

That's a shame.

If I didn't
know better,

I'd say that $5,000
poker game

has given
him a fever.

What's going on?

What are you guys
doing here?

We came to escort you
to the game or did you forget?

Oh, yeah. No,
I didn't forget, man.

I got kidney stones.

You don't
got nothing.

Get out of that bed!
Hey, listen, Otis.

No, no, I'm Otis.
He's Clifford.

Whatever. Look,

I don't care
if you guys believe me or not.

I've had kidney stones
all my life

and this is probably
the most horrible attack I've had.

Believe me, I'd much
rather be playing poker with you guys

than being here
like [GRUNTS] this.

Ohh.

Hey, this don't look right.

Now, look over here.

He's in here
with some white girl.

Does that beat anything
you've ever seen?

I complained to the
hospital administrator,

but he says they're going coed.

The New South, you know.

This don't look right.

Oh, they'll probably have
her out of her by morning.

It still don't look right.

Yeah, you said that.
Now why don't you use the right verb tense?

Let me tell you
something, smart boy.

We're getting tired
of fooling with you.

I don't know
why you're here, but I don't like it.

Ow! Oh!

Oh! The pain!
I can't stand it!

I want to be
knocked out.

But not by you.

Now, look. You put your
hands on me again,

I'm calling
hospital security. [DOOR OPENS]

Okay.
We're going.

But Mr. Beebe's
going to be very disappointed.

Don't think
you're off the hook.

When we get back
from Hawaii, we'll be...

...Looking you up.

Count on it.

When you get back
from Hawaii,

I'll be a white man
named Herb.

Just what do you think
you're doing?

I'm getting dressed.

When I got off the telephone,
I was feeling kind of dizzy.

So, I thought
I'd better rest.

I'm feeling
much better now, thank you.

Aren't these
gowns horrendous?

They ought to put
some Velcro back here.

You know, I was awful proud
of you tonight.

I mean I think that I could
eventually have made my point myself,

but...

it's...

...it's more impressive
being a team.

Thank you.
For what?

For being my hero.

Oh, come on.

No, no, I mean it.

I mean, for so long,
I've been fighting all my battles alone.

It's kind of nice
having a knight in shining armor.

You want to polish off

a warm bottle
of champagne?

Only if we can
take it upstairs.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Let's get this show
on the road.

Oh, I forgot!
No. What now?

I promised Julia that I'd
do those receipts tonight.

So, what are you gonna do?

I'm not gonna think
about that today.

I'm gonna think
about that tomorrow.

Hi.
Hi.

You're okay
It was benign.

I called your folks
in Poplar Bluff.

Thank you, God.

We brought
your stuff back.

Yeah, and I'm mad
about losing my Hog Hat.

Anthony, I had
the craziest dream

you were in the bed next to me
and these two guys came in

and called me a white girl
and said I didn't look right.

By the way,
that reminds me, Anthony.

Weren't you
leaving town this weekend?

Yeah, I was, but
when I got home I started thinking,

"If I run
from Mr. Beebe now,"

"I'll be running
from hoods the rest of my life."

So I went to him.
I told him,

"Look, Jack. I don't
owe you $5,000."

"And I don't have $5,000."

"If you don't
like that,

"you can take it
out of my hide right here and now."

Well, that's
very impressive, Anthony.

And what'd he say?

He said, "Boy,
I like your style."

"I'll cut the cards
with you double or nothing."

I told you he was dumb.
[LAUGHS]

Well, who won?

I did.

I now own
400 pairs of pants

and am a member
of the Slack of the Month Club.

[DOOR OPENS]

Well, Charlene.

Looks like you're gonna
be able to go home in a couple of days.

I'm going to name
the baby after you.

Thank you
again, Alan, for everything.

Well, I didn't
do anything, Julia.

I'm just glad
it turned out to be benign.

Although If you ever
have another lump,

I don't want you
to assume that it would be benign, too.

Everyone has to
be checked.

Okay, I'll remember.

And you keep getting those
second opinions, too.

That's a very
good policy.

Well, I better be going.
Uh...

...y'all don't get
too raucous in here.

Happy hour
doesn't start till 5:00.

[GIGGLES]
Bye-bye.

Oh, almost forgot.

♪ You got
a telegram ♪

You're kidding.

"Charlene,"

"I was there,
where were you?"

"Jerry Lee Lewis."

You know he's going
to be in Macon in about two weeks.

And J.D. and I are
going to take you.

Oh, y'all are so sweet to me.

Well...

...we just been
thinking that...

...with all our little
problems that...

This sure kind of
puts things into perspective.

It does,
doesn't it?

You know,
it just occurred to me that,

well, what we have here,
it's just...

It's a family.

It's kind of nice,
isn't it?

That's all I need,
more relatives.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

♪ You shake my nerves
And you rattle my brain ♪

♪ Too much love
Drives a man insane ♪

♪ You broke my will ♪

♪ But what a thrill ♪

♪ Goodness gracious
Great balls of fire ♪

♪ I laughed at love
'Cause I thought it was funny ♪

♪ You came along
And you moved me, honey ♪

♪ I've changed my mind... ♪