Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Good morning.

Hi.

Guess what.

Jerry Lee Lewis will be at the convention center this Saturday,

and I got tickets.

I thought you had those tickets before.

I did. Three times. He never showed up.

Just once before I die, I want to see Jerry Lewis in concert.

This could be it. Now, c'mon, go with me.

No, thanks. I can't. J.D. and I are going out, [CLICKS TONGUE]

Although, I probably shouldn't.

Why not?

'Cause the kids are spending every night this week with Ted

because he asked for extra time 'cause he's going to a medical convention.

I just... I hate not to have them on the weekend, too.

Why? Is he still spoiling them?

His idea of compensating for the divorce

is letting them have French Fries for breakfast.

So, when they come home, I'm Attila the Hun

who makes them eat grapefruit.

You make them eat grapefruit?

I put sugar on it. Charlene, that's not the point.

I know but I just hate grapefruit.

Then I won't make you eat any, okay?

I mean, they're just getting so materialistic, particularly Quint.

[MOCKINGLY] "Daddy has a Jaguar."

"Daddy has a swimming pool."

Oh, c'mon, he's only 6. He'll get over that.

The other night, after hours of watching Gone With the Wind,

his only question is,

"Was Rhett Butler a millionaire?"

Was he? I mean before the war.

Charlene, that's not the point.

I know, I'm just wondering.

I watched it, too, for the 27th time.

Doesn't it just make you sick? What?

That they don't make them like Rhett anymore?

I mean, he was so heroic.

I guess I don't even think about stuff like that anymore.

I mean, you know, if there is one thing I pride myself on,

it's the way I'm bringing up my kids.

The other day when Ted brought them home, he said,

"You better watch out."

"You just might turn into an unfit mother,"

That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.

Nobody's a better mother than you.

You bake cookies all the time,

you never miss a school program,

you're up all night the night before Halloween.

Now you name me another mother who'd bother to shellac a dinosaur outfit

so that the scales would look wet.

[MOUTHS] Thank you.

I mean, J.D. And I have never even done it,

and this man, who has hot and cold running women in his house,

is accusing me of being an unfit mother?

You and J.D. have never done it?

Charlene, that's not the point.

It's not that I even care so much what Ted thinks.

It's just that he does have an awful lot of money

and he might be able to convince people

that he could raise them better than me.

Oh, no. Mary Jo, now you stop that.

Nobody's going to take Quint and Claudia away from you.

Ted's just trying to control you.

You can't let him stop you from living your own life.

You have kissed J.D., haven't you?

Charlene, I should think it would be enough

that I bring in most of Sugarbaker's clients.

I mean, it's not easy wining and dining

a different person every day,

and trying to think of something stimulating to say about interior decorating,

but if I can get myself out of bed every morning

put on a face like this and get myself dressed this nice.

The minimum you could do, as the Office Manager,

is to tell me whether or not the people I'm gonna be having lunch with

are homosexuals.

Suzanne, this may come as a surprise to you,

but I don't consider a person's sexual persuasion any of my business.

That's personal, you know like if you've ever been arrested

or voting for Richard Nixon.

I voted for Richard Nixon.

That's not the point!

I've wanted to say that to somebody for so long.

I don't think you understand

the trouble I go to for these lunches.

I mean, do you think I would have worn this uncomfortable dress,

Cut tight just below the bodice,

if I'd known I was gonna be having lunch with homosexuals?

It was a complete disaster.

Why? What did you do, molest them?

Of course not.

It's just a whole different way of relating.

I mean, you don't flirt.

You don't give certain kinds of looks.

I need time to get myself into that mode.

Well, are you able to communicate

with us heterosexuals again, or is it too soon?

Funny not.

The rest of my alimony checks come in yet?

Yes. I color coded them according to length of marriage.

Hi, Julia.

Oh, did you find a birthday present for Payne?

JULIA: Yes. Julia, why didn't you tell me?

I mean, here I am, his only aunt and I...

Do you think he'd like a pen with my name on it?

BOTH: No.

What did you get him?

I finally found him a pair of pigskin boots,

which is what he said he wanted.

But of course shopping being what it is today,

It would have been much simpler to go out into the woods

and wrestle a pig barehanded.

Well, I see we've had another altercation

with the public at large.

There was no altercation.

I simply refuse to be pushed around by department stores

where nobody cares anymore because they're all been bought by major corporations

who put teenagers in charge of the merchandise,

who haven't got a clue as to where to find it!

Whatever happened to service with a smile...

"How may we help you, thank you, and come again?"

I'll tell you what happened.

They went with that little fellow at the gas station.

What little fellow?

You know that little fellow

in the neatly pressed uniform and bow tie

Who always used to say, [CLICKS TONGUE] "Fill 'er up, Ma'am?"

Yeah, I miss that guy. What happened to him?

They killed him.

Who killed him?

All those vacuous, slack-jawed people

who sit in their little glass booths

and tell you to pump it yourself.

That's right.

There is just no sense

of style or grace or pride anymore.

It is a "pump it yourself,

$4.95, all-you-can-eat" world.

Charlene: Yeah.

Have y'all noticed how repair people

who come to your house don't look like Mr. Rogers anymore?

Isn't that the truth?

They all look like mass murderers.

I mean, sometimes I have to stop and think to myself,

"I want my dishwasher fixed,"

"but do I want it bad enough to die for it?"

What're you taking?

Ted's old vitamins.

Don't they lose their potency after a while?

Yeah. So did he.

Mary Jo!

I'm sorry. I know that was tacky. I'm mad at him.

What's the matter? Is he trying to run your life again?

You know, I think he can't stand it.

'Cause J.D.'s the first man I've cared about since the divorce.

It's that old double standard.

You know, he can have all the girlfriends he wants,

but you're supposed to just be

the mother of his children.

And Janet, J.D.'S ex-wife, isn't much better.

I mean, I don't believe we've spent one evening together

when she hadn't called to say that something is stopped-up,

flooded, or overdrawn.

I just hope I never run into her.

Or I might have to give her a piece of my mind.

[DOOR OPENS]

May we help you?

Yes.

I'd just like to know which one of you bitches

is Mary Jo Shively.

ALL: She is.

Excuse me?

Janet Shackelford, J.D.'S wife.

Well, what a coincidence.

We were just...

Excuse me. There is an "ex" in there, isn't there?

Don't you count on it. That's why I'm here.

I get the distinct impression you think your relationship with J.D.

just might be going somewhere.

Let me save you a lot of time and trouble. It isn't gonna happen.

Our divorce was a mistake.

And we're in the process of trying to rectifying that now.

And I for one do not appreciate your interference.

So I suggest you go back to your own ex-husband

or try to find a man who doesn't have three wonderful children

and a wife who's been at his side for 14 years.

Because when it comes to J.D.,

I'm one customer you don't want to cross.

I'm sure we understand each other.

And one other thing.

J.D.'s descriptive powers

have always been somewhat lacking,

but I can see this time he was right on target.

When I asked what you look like,

he said you were just average.

Well, I guess you told her.

[DOG BARKING]

I just don't understand where she would've gotten the idea

that y'all were gonna get back together

if you'd never mentioned it.

You don't know Janet. No, you don't know Janet.

You seem to think of her as this this helpless person.

Trust me. The woman I met today could've taken Poland.

Yeah, well, she's been going through

this assertiveness training thing.

Oh, well, that's all I need.

A boyfriend with an ex-wife

in Rambo school.

I promise you it will never happen again.

J.D., I didn't even know you

till you were divorced.

She made me feel like...

...the other woman.

Oh, Mary Jo, don't pay any attention to that.

She didn't even want me when she had me.

I mean we never shared the same dreams.

I wanted to be in baseball.

She wanted a guy with a coat and tie

and hemorrhoids.

She also said when she asked you what I look like,

you said...

"Just average."

What? No. I never said you were average.

I said you looked fine.

Fine?

Well, actually, I think I said mighty fine.

Oh, c'mon, you know I think you're fantastic looking,

but it's not the kind of thing you tell the woman you were used yo be married to.

I mean, what am I going to say?

You know, see, my new girlfriend's got these great...

No. I don't have these great...

Yeah, but you've got a great...

You think so?

You think I'm spending all this time with you

for your mind?

My heavens, look what time it is.

That ballgame's almost over.

Ted'll be bringing those kids back any minute.

Yeah, I know. Ted's always bringing the kids back.

That's Ted's middle name.

Ted "Bring-the-kids-back any-minute" Shively.

Oh, now, come on, J.D.

don't be bitter.

Look, uh, you know, Mary Jo,

I--I don't mean to be pushy or anything, but,

we've been going out for, what, three or four years now?

Months.

Yeah. Uh, I--I was just I--I was just thinking

that at some point,

Uh, being

a normal, red-blooded American couple,

that maybe we should give a little thought...

J.D...

I just need a little time.

Time, right.

Julia, do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

I guess so. How personal is it?

Do you think I'm sexy?

Before you married Hayden, had you ever

done it with anyone else, and...

...if not, then after Hayden died,

did you find it a little difficult

the first time being with Reese,

and assuming you have been with Reese, and if not then whoever.

Or maybe no one at all.

Well put.

Trust me, I wouldn't ask

if it wasn't absolutely necessary.

Well, maybe I can forgo a little privacy

for the sake of a good friend.

Now if you and J.D. have been together all these months,

and if you really love J.D.,

and if nothing has happened yet,

then I think it's time

you took the top off the cookie jar.

Well put. Thank you.

[BLENDER WHIRRING]

You know, Mary Jo,

I don't know why you always go to Julia for advice.

I mean I'm the one who has the most experience with men.

I remember all my first times.

Of course, I'm not gonna share the intimate details,

but afterwards each one of them cried.

Don't y'all just love grateful men?

Who ordered salami?

I did.

Suzanne, if I were you,

I wouldn't be telling that story.

Sounds to me like you had

some very dissatisfied customers.

Well, they married me, didn't they?

You know, Suzanne, I've always tried to picture you

and each of your ex-husbands in bed.

Charlene! I worry about what people are like in bed.

Don't you wonder about things like that?

ALL: No!

I do.

Like the other morning

I was wondering about Prince Philip and Queen Elizabeth.

I mean don't you wonder if he ever just reaches over

and grabs her and starts tickling her?

No. I don't think he can get past that purse.

I wonder what's in that purse.

Charlene! I'm sorry, but I wonder about everything.

You know, like what the words to Mack the Knife mean

and how they make that cat dance in that commercial.

I mean, I got a cat...

ALL: Charlene!

I'm sorry. I'll stop.

Pass the coleslaw.

Do you ever wonder who Cole was?

Hey, everybody. Where's Charlene?

I need my messages.

She had a doctor's appointment.

Anthony, where have you been?

We've been waiting for you to take those Chinese dogs to Barbara Clifton's.

I know. I'm sorry.

An unfortunate circumstance has come up,

and I may have to relocate to another planet.

What happened?

First of all, let me ask this impertinent question...

...do any of you have $5,000?

ALL: No.

Then I'm definitely going to have to relocate.

You see, some friends of mine and I

went over to Memphis to the dog races

with this guy named Mr. Beebe.

I can tell this is going to be a classy story.

Oh, now, Julia. I don't want to hang out with hoods and thugs.

I had enough of that During my own unfortunate incarceration.

All I want now is to go to junior college,

get one of those sweaters that buttons down the front,

and join the Pep Club.

But, people just will not leave me alone.

Anyway, this woman named Juanita

takes a liking to me at the track.

But nobody bothers to tell me

that this is Mr. Beebe's girlfriend.

And so now because I publicly humiliated him

and ruined his weekend,

I've got to get $5,000 together

to play poker with him on Saturday,

or he's going to have every bone in my body broken.

Who's Mr. Beebe?

The slacks king of the South.

Men's pants, you know?

He's from Beebe, Arkansas.

The dude is loaded and dumb.

Man, it really makes me mad

when I meet a dumb rich person.

I don't understand.

Why $5,000?

He said that's how much the weekend cost.

Why do you have to play poker?

So it can't be called extortion.

Somehow, I don't think I'll be dealt many good hands.

Anthony, does this Mr. Beebe know where you work?

Yes, he does.

And so do Clifford and Otis.

Who are Clifford and Otis?

His bodyguards.

Well, this is just ridiculous, I'm gonna call the police.

We don't want people like that hanging around here.

Hey, no please! Please, don't call the police.

We can work this out ourselves.

What do you mean "we?"

You see, all you got to do is tell Mr. Beebe

that I was killed, you know,

like in a delivery accident.

You see. He goes to Hawaii every February, March and April.

And by May he will have forgotten all about me.

But, he's not gonna believe such an absurd story.

No, Julia, I'm telling you, the dude is dumb.

Y'all are just never going to believe it.

The most incredible thing just happened to me.

You got your income tax return?

No, silly. I don't have cancer.

Hey, that's great, Charlene!

ANTHONY: Do you have $5,000?

CHARLENE: No. What do you mean you don't have cancer?

I mean I don't have it.

I went to see Dr. Mitchell for a routine exam,

and he found a lump in my breast.

I mean, I didn't even know it was there.

I'll just be out back loading up the van.

Oh, wait a minute, Anthony.

There were some phone messages for you.

Anyway I was worried sick about this

because two of my mama's sisters had the same thing, you know.

Oh, here they are. Uh, the first one was,

"You're dead meat."

The second one was, "You're dead meat, man."

And the third one was, "Be there or you're dead meat."

There seems to be some sort of theme emerging.

Thanks, Charlene.

Big weekend, huh?

Now wait just a minute, Charlene.

How does this doctor know that you're fine?

Did you have a mammogram

or biopsy?

No. He just examined me and said not to worry

and said let him worry about it,

and come back in six months.

Well, I don't like the sound of that.

Um, I think you should have a second opinion.

Why should I get a second opinion? I like this one.

I--I agree with Julia.

Six months is a long time.

Yes, Julia and I have a very close friend,

and she waited too late.

Well, okay. I'm sorry to disappoint y'all.

You want me to have cancer, I'll have cancer.

Charlene, don't be absurd.

I couldn't just go to anybody else. Dr. Mitchell's been my doctor

ever since I came to Atlanta. He's a very nice man.

Charlene, this is not something you can play around with.

Now, I'm going to go to the phone to call my doctor and make an appointment.

Julia, no! I couldn't go behind Dr. Mitchell's back. Ju...

Okay, okay.

I'll call him. I'll ask him to recommend someone.

I just left. He probably hasn't gone to lunch yet.

Oh, hi, Becky.

Um, this is Charlene Frazier.

Is Dr. Mitchell around?

Great.

Jerry Lee Lewis tickets.

Oh, hello, Dr. Mitchell. This is Charlene.

I--I'm sorry to bother you, but,

You know, I've been thinking I know it's silly, but,

you know, since I was kind of worried about that cancer thing,

I thought maybe I should get a second opinion

if you could recommend someone...

Not that I don't trust you,

just to ease my mind.

You couldn't?

I see.

Well, I--I'm sorry you feel that way.

Okay.

Bye.

Well, what'd he say?

He said if I don't have faith in him,

I should find myself another physician.

I'm calling Dr. Knight right now.

I feel terrible. Now I insulted him.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Sugarbaker's.

No, he isn't, he just stepped out. Who's this?

Well, I don't take messages

from people who don't leave their name.

And let me tell you something else.

You'd probably be a lot better off If you spent less time

making hooded telephone calls to people

and more time trying to improve yourself like Anthony.

And why don't you just leave him alone?

He's trying to start a new life for himself.

He doesn't have $5,000.

He's not showing up to your poker game tonight.

He's joining the Pep Club.

And you can just tell Mr. Beebe

to stick that in his pipe and smoke it.

Well, I don't think

you'll be having any more problems with those people.

Thank you, Suzanne.

You're welcome.

Have you heard from Charlene yet?

I wish she'd have left one of us go to the doctor with her.

I mean, I'm not getting any work done anyway.

I know I feel the same way.

That's why I took those hurricane lamps on out to Emma Jean Salinger's.

MARY JO: Oh, Julia, I would've done that.

What're you doing here? I thought you had lunch with somebody.

I do, but I forgot who with.

That's why I came by to check her book.

Oh, very funny.

What?

"A homosexual, a bisexual,"

"a cross-dresser, and a eunuch."

What's all that about?

Charlene's weird sense of humor.

Well, I hope you're all happy.

I've got my second opinion.

What did he say?

[BREAKING DOWN] He said I've got cancer.

You know, Charlene. Most of these things turn out not to be malignant.

Oh, c'mon. I know the score.

Those two aunts I told you about, they both died.

And women in certain families are prone to it.

Well, you know they're catching it in time. And it's gonna be okay.

I'm telling you I have a feeling about this. It's not going to be okay.

Are you afraid of losing a breast?

No, I'm afraid of losing my life.

I mean, I wouldn't be happy about having a mastectomy,

but I could live with that. You know, I mean,

after all, I had a fake chest all through junior high school.

It's just that...

I've never had children.

I've never been to Europe.

I've never even seen Jerry Lee Lewis in concert. [CHUCKLES]

[BELL RINGS]

Hi. Hi.

Look.

Oh. Champagne.

You shouldn't have.

So, how's Charlene?

Oh, I went home with her after work,

and she said she'd rather be alone,

So I just told her I'd call her later.

Listen, honey, we don't have to do this tonight.

I did decide not to cook.

Oh, well, that's--that's okay.

So...

...why don't we just get the show on the road?

Well, gee, sweetheart, that's great.

And--And you look great.

Uh, see, I--I was kind of hoping

that maybe we could have a couple of drinks,

uh, some candlelight, maybe a little foreplay?

You know? I--I mean, it doesn't have to be

like you're reporting for your Army physical.

Oh!

You're right.

I'll loosen up.

Do you want to do this downstairs or upstairs?

I don't remember.

Why don't you look on my application?

Downstairs. It's quicker.

[CLICKS ON]

♪ Oh, where, oh, where ♪

♪ Has my little dog gone? ♪

Hey, nice music selection.

Puts you right in the mood.

Quint must have left that in there.

[CHANGES STATIONS]

There.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

That's better.

J.D., I just can't go through with this.

It's okay, we're not in the mood either.

Hey, hey. No, it's all right.

I mean, I'm not that needy, okay?

I mean, you don't want to make love? Fine.

But I'm 34 years old,

and I'm not going to spend the rest of my life

holding hands with you and taking cold showers.

That's not a threat. That's just a fact.

Anyway, I love you,

and that's another fact.

I love you.

J.D., I've just...

I've just been too embarrassed to tell you.

But I never made love with anybody but Ted.

You haven't? No, and I don't know anything about anybody else.

Well, I--I think we all pretty much follow the same format.

I know.

Maybe I don't know anything about anything.

I mean, Ted's idea of foreplay

was to grab me by the ankles and yell,

"Make a wish."

You know, the first time I saw you,

I wanted to go to bed with you.

I just keep thinking that maybe you won't like me.

Maybe Ted didn't like me.

I mean, he said he did,

but then he always just ate cereal

and fell asleep.

And had affairs.

Is that what this is all about?

You think that was your fault?

You don't have any idea how desirable you are, do you?

Don't you know that sometimes you make me breathe hard

just looking at you?

And you have this softness about you

in the way your chin is always kind of cocked,

and you got this great... [GRUNTS]

[CHUCKLES]

I do? Come here.

[EXHALES]

Listen, I don't care what we do tonight.

I just want to be close to you.

[CHUCKLES]

Let's go upstairs.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who is that?

I don't know.

Uh, just a minute.

I'll be right there.

QUINTON: Hi, Mom. Oh, honey, what are you doing home?

Can you believe this? He brought the wrong pajamas.

He wants the ones with Garfield on them.

Ted, I think your story could use a little work.

Hey, how are you, J.D.?

Ted.

Hey, looks like you're missing a button there.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

Oh, hi, Mom. Hi, honey.

Hi, J.D. Hi, Claudia.

Look, as long as we're here.

Can I borrow your curling iron?

Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead and get 'em.

I'm on call this weekend. Do you mind if I check the service?

Do I have a choice?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.

Hello.

Well, yes, he is.

Yeah, just a minute.

It's for you.

Oh. Thank you.

Hello.

You know, Mary Jo, if you're going to have guys over like this,

maybe you should just consider going to a motel.

No, I won't consider going to a motel.

This is my home,

and you are standing in it

not by invitation!

Well, got to go. Excuse me. Oh, yep.

Toilet's stopped up at Janet's again.

Bathroom's flooded. Pestilence and famine

are just around the corner.

You're kidding.

I mean, that's ridiculous.

Hasn't she ever heard of liquid plumber?

Hey, it's been a fabulous evening.

And you're going to let her ruin it?

Me? You're the one with the Brady Bunch.

I'll just try checking the service again.

They are leaving.

Look, it's just too much trouble, okay?

Yes, it certainly is,

particularly when you're on the 24-hour drain squad.

I mean, for Heaven's sake, they could have irrigated half of China by now

and not have as much trouble with the pipes.

Oh, yeah? Well, it still holds up a lot better

than the old Garfield pajama story.

In fact, you are so gullible.

Maybe if Ted stays here long enough, he'll get lucky.

That's it! Get out!

With pleasure.

Gee, I hope I haven't caused you any trouble.

Ah, but, we did have had a rough night last night, didn't we?

Yes, we did.

What happened?

Well, I told off J.D. I told off Ted.

I told off everybody but the dog,

and I'm going to get him tonight.

Uh-oh. This was that special romantic dinner you were planning, wasn't it?

Yes, well, as it turned out, I didn't actually cook.

I didn't serve cookies, either.

I know what that means.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

JULIA: Charlene, I told you to stay home today.

Now, what is all that stuff?

Just some things of mine that mean a lot to me

that I wanted y'all to have.

Charlene, you are not dying.

You are just having a biopsy.

I know, but after tomorrow,

I'm going to know I'm dying, and I might not feel like doing this.

Have you called your parents yet? No. Absolutely not.

Charlene. Mary Jo, there are 11 kids in my family.

I don't worry my parents unless I have to. Okay.

You can call them after the surgery, okay?

Fine. [DOOR OPENS]

Where do you want this?

Over there, Calvin.

Who is that man?

Calvin Klein.

CHARLENE: He's no relation to the clothing guy.

He's just a hitchhiker I picked up.

Charlene, have you lost your mind?

I know.

I guess there was a part of me that was hoping he had a gun.

Oh, excuse me, would you mind if I used your restroom?

We don't have one. It's right through that door.

Oh, by the way, somebody wrote "You're dead meat"

on the front of your building.

Anthony!

ANTHONY: I know. I saw it.

They misspelled meat.

Who are you?

Calvin Klein.

Bryant Gumbel. How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

Anthony, wait, wait.

I--I have a little something I want to give you.

Moi?

This is my--my Razorback Hog Hat

from when I used to live in Arkansas.

Hey, all right. [CHUCKLES]

Thank you, Charlene.

I don't think I'll wear it outside, though.

It might not be wise

to bring too much attention to myself.

Julia, this is my letter from President Kennedy.

See? It says, "Dear Charlene,"

"the President enjoyed your drawing of the White House."

A--Actually, I don't think he saw it.

Why not?

'Cause I sent a poem.

Anyway, he--he signed it down there, see?

And...

...he was always a hero of mine,

That's why I want you to have it.

Thank you, Charlene.

Uh, Mary Jo,

my personally autographed picture

of Elvis.

You know how I felt about him.

Thank you.

I'll treasure it.

Um, Suzanne,

my grandma's silver hand mirror,

'cause I know you like to look at yourself,

and I want you to be happy.

I'll use it every day.

What's in the other box?

Oh, letters and some mementos

to all my old boyfriends. [CHUCKLES]

You know, I just wanted to say goodbye.

Hey, Charlene, thanks for the ride.

I hope you don't mind, but I took a roll of paper towels

and couple a rolls of toilet paper.

Oh, no. Help yourself.

It's what it's there for.

Well, bye.

Bye, Calvin. Good luck.

Charlene, don't you ever pick up a stranger like that again.

Did you see his back pocket? He took our Lysol.

That can'll be dead by morning.

Well, I'm glad you all like your gifts.

Yeah, we just love 'em.

There's just one thing I'd like to know.

What are we supposed to do with these if you're all right?

Do we have to give them back?

I want y'all to run upstairs and get your things together

so I can take you back over to your daddy's,

'cause I have to go to the hospital to see Charlene before...

Daddy! Hi, son.

Hi, Dad. Hi, honey.

Uh, I tried calling you at work, but you'd already left.

I invited Janet and Ted to come over here

so we can get everything all worked out, okay?

Uh, Claudia, could you take Quinton upstairs

and watch TV for a little while?

Mom, can J.D. and Daddy spend the night?

No, they cannot.

Why don't you run on upstairs?

Shoot.

You are so dense.

Well, what a surprise.

Did everybody get something to drink?

Yeah, yeah, everybody got something.

Honey, why don't you sit down right here?

How'd you get in? I have a key, remember?

Oh, yeah. You have a key?

I do, and I don't think that's any of your business.

Listen, buddy, everything that goes on here is my business.

It is not. It certainly is.

He makes the house payment, doesn't he?

He most certainly does not.

I don't get alimony. I just get child support.

You mean you put him all the way through medical school

and you don't get alimony? Dumber than I thought.

Well, at least I helped support my husband.

Are you calling me a sponge?

I'm just saying, if you didn't help build the ship before it set sail,

don't be standing on the dock

with your hand out when it comes in.

She's calling me a sponge!

Janet, Mary Jo, sit down.

All right, now, uh...

Now the reason that I wanted us all to get together today

was to talk about how we,

as four mature adults,

can peacefully coexist.

But, of course, we're already starting in the hole,

because we don't have four mature adults.

I'm not even sure we have two,

but nevertheless...

I think I speak for Mary Jo and myself

when I say that we intend to build a life together

and that you, Janet, and you, Ted,

can be our friend or you cannot be our friend,

but you're not going to stop us.

Now, I--I'll continue to be a good father to my kids.

And Mary Jo will continue to be a good mother to her kids,

but we're not married to you people anymore,

and we're not going to be at the mercy

of you and your plumbing

or you and your pajama problems anymore.

Excuse me. If I can just jump in here...

No, no, no. I'm not finished.

Now, now, Mary Jo and I do not care

what the two of you are doing in your personal lives.

Except we wish you well

and we expect the same courtesy from you.

So...

Just for your future information,

We'll no longer be accepting any phone calls

or answering the door on Saturday nights.

The only exceptions will be the following...

"Death..."

"Loss of blood,"

"Excessive vomiting..."

See, Ted? Garfield isn't on there.

Yes, Suzanne? It's Anthony.

I'm at the hospital.

Well they've got her pretty well sedated right now.

Listen, I was going to make one more delivery,

and then I was gonna split for the weekend.

It's fine by me.

I'm just sick and tired of sitting around here waiting on Julia.

We were going to be coming up at the hospital,

but she had to go meet somebody.

She's acting real mysterious about it, too.

By the way, those cousins of yours get hold of you?

What cousins? The ones who're in town for the night.

Those are the dudes that are looking for me.

The poker game's tonight. That's why I'm trying to get outta here.

I didn't know.

I told 'em where you were.

What? Are you joking me?

No, I'm not joking. That was half an hour ago.

They'll probably be there any minute.

Did you tell them why I was here?

No, I didn't tell them why.

I just gave them the room number.

I am just sick and tired of sitting here being mission control

for everybody while they're all running around.

SUZANNE: Anthony? Anthony?

[KNOCK AT THE DOOR]

Dr. Mitchell, I'm Julia Sugarbaker. May I come in?

Yes, but I hope this won't take long.

I'm on the staff of three hospitals,

and I still have rounds.

Oh, I understand how very, very busy you are

and I'll be brief.

I've come because I'm a close friend of Charlene Frazier's.

Uh, Charlene Frazier's no longer my patient, so I can't see any reason...

Actually I'm here not only on Charlene's behalf.

I'm here on behalf of all your patients.

I don't understand.

I have just one question.

How many more women are you going to kill

before you retire?

I beg your pardon!

You see, I've done a little checking on you, Dr. Mitchell.

And I've discovered that Charlene is not the first woman

you told to wait and see.

You said the same thing

to another close friend of mine.

Only, at that time, I didn't know

that you were her physician.

She trusted you.

She waited four months

before her breasts had become so misshapen

she had to come back.

But, by then, it was too late.

Mrs. Sugarbaker,

I don't think I would care to discuss with you

medical judgments you know nothing about.

Medical jargon doesn't impress me.

I was brought up in a medical family,

And my grandfather always said 80% was common sense.

There's nothing mysterious

about having a lump in your breast.

It's simple. When you find one,

you have it X-Rayed or biopsied. I know that.

Most physicians know that.

What I don't understand is

why don't you know that?

Perhaps, I'm of the old school.

That's not old school. That's gross incompetence.

Well, it's obvious to me

that you are an emotional, overwrought woman.

Not emotional, Doctor.

I'm just plain mad.

Which is why I'm filing charges against you

with the State Medical Bureau and the A.M.A.

Well, if you want to make a fool of yourself, be my guest.

But I can assure you

you are in no way qualified to make these judgments.

I think this meeting is over.

I think so, too.

But as for qualified,

neither are you.

You don't depend on medicine.

Your weapon is intimidation.

You're seemingly a kind, benevolent authority figure

who tells women to let you do their worrying for them.

Well, there's just one thing wrong with that, Dr. Mitchell.

You don't have to do their dying.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Well, well, well. Ain't this a sight?

Looks like our old friend Anthony isn't feeling well Clifford.

Yeah.

That's a shame.

If I didn't know better,

I'd say that $5,000 poker game

has given him a fever.

What's going on?

What are you guys doing here?

We came to escort you to the game or did you forget?

Oh, yeah. No, I didn't forget, man.

I got kidney stones.

You don't got nothing.

Get out of that bed! Hey, listen, Otis.

No, no, I'm Otis. He's Clifford.

Whatever. Look,

I don't care if you guys believe me or not.

I've had kidney stones all my life

and this is probably the most horrible attack I've had.

Believe me, I'd much rather be playing poker with you guys

than being here like [GRUNTS] this.

Ohh.

Hey, this don't look right.

Now, look over here.

He's in here with some white girl.

Does that beat anything you've ever seen?

I complained to the hospital administrator,

but he says they're going coed.

The New South, you know.

This don't look right.

Oh, they'll probably have her out of her by morning.

It still don't look right.

Yeah, you said that. Now why don't you use the right verb tense?

Let me tell you something, smart boy.

We're getting tired of fooling with you.

I don't know why you're here, but I don't like it.

Ow! Oh!

Oh! The pain! I can't stand it!

I want to be knocked out.

But not by you.

Now, look. You put your hands on me again,

I'm calling hospital security. [DOOR OPENS]

Okay. We're going.

But Mr. Beebe's going to be very disappointed.

Don't think you're off the hook.

When we get back from Hawaii, we'll be...

...Looking you up.

Count on it.

When you get back from Hawaii,

I'll be a white man named Herb.

Just what do you think you're doing?

I'm getting dressed.

When I got off the telephone, I was feeling kind of dizzy.

So, I thought I'd better rest.

I'm feeling much better now, thank you.

Aren't these gowns horrendous?

They ought to put some Velcro back here.

You know, I was awful proud of you tonight.

I mean I think that I could eventually have made my point myself,

but...

it's...

...it's more impressive being a team.

Thank you. For what?

For being my hero.

Oh, come on.

No, no, I mean it.

I mean, for so long, I've been fighting all my battles alone.

It's kind of nice having a knight in shining armor.

You want to polish off

a warm bottle of champagne?

Only if we can take it upstairs.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Let's get this show on the road.

Oh, I forgot! No. What now?

I promised Julia that I'd do those receipts tonight.

So, what are you gonna do?

I'm not gonna think about that today.

I'm gonna think about that tomorrow.

Hi. Hi.

You're okay It was benign.

I called your folks in Poplar Bluff.

Thank you, God.

We brought your stuff back.

Yeah, and I'm mad about losing my Hog Hat.

Anthony, I had the craziest dream

you were in the bed next to me and these two guys came in

and called me a white girl and said I didn't look right.

By the way, that reminds me, Anthony.

Weren't you leaving town this weekend?

Yeah, I was, but when I got home I started thinking,

"If I run from Mr. Beebe now,"

"I'll be running from hoods the rest of my life."

So I went to him. I told him,

"Look, Jack. I don't owe you $5,000."

"And I don't have $5,000."

"If you don't like that,

"you can take it out of my hide right here and now."

Well, that's very impressive, Anthony.

And what'd he say?

He said, "Boy, I like your style."

"I'll cut the cards with you double or nothing."

I told you he was dumb. [LAUGHS]

Well, who won?

I did.

I now own 400 pairs of pants

and am a member of the Slack of the Month Club.

[DOOR OPENS]

Well, Charlene.

Looks like you're gonna be able to go home in a couple of days.

I'm going to name the baby after you.

Thank you again, Alan, for everything.

Well, I didn't do anything, Julia.

I'm just glad it turned out to be benign.

Although If you ever have another lump,

I don't want you to assume that it would be benign, too.

Everyone has to be checked.

Okay, I'll remember.

And you keep getting those second opinions, too.

That's a very good policy.

Well, I better be going. Uh...

...y'all don't get too raucous in here.

Happy hour doesn't start till 5:00.

[GIGGLES] Bye-bye.

Oh, almost forgot.

♪ You got a telegram ♪

You're kidding.

"Charlene,"

"I was there, where were you?"

"Jerry Lee Lewis."

You know he's going to be in Macon in about two weeks.

And J.D. and I are going to take you.

Oh, y'all are so sweet to me.

Well...

...we just been thinking that...

...with all our little problems that...

This sure kind of puts things into perspective.

It does, doesn't it?

You know, it just occurred to me that,

well, what we have here, it's just...

It's a family.

It's kind of nice, isn't it?

That's all I need, more relatives.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[♪♪♪]

♪ You shake my nerves And you rattle my brain ♪

♪ Too much love Drives a man insane ♪

♪ You broke my will ♪

♪ But what a thrill ♪

♪ Goodness gracious Great balls of fire ♪

♪ I laughed at love 'Cause I thought it was funny ♪

♪ You came along And you moved me, honey ♪

♪ I've changed my mind... ♪