Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

CHARLENE: One perfect rose.

Doesn't that sort of say something to you?

Yeah. It says that mysterious date of yours is cheap.

Joan Collins' values strike again.

I can't help it, Julia.

I'm a quantity person.

That is made obvious by your appetite.

You can't get me angry tonight, Julia.

It's almost new year's,

and that means a party.

And you know how I love parties.

It's just so much fun being the center of attention.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to help Claudia pick out an outfit for tonight.

She's going to one of those little co-ed parties

where a boy brings a girl.

Claudia has a date?

Well, no, it's not really a date.

I mean, well I know, it sounds like a date, but it isn't.

because I won't allow Claudia to date, not until she's 16.

Then what would you call it?

Completely out of touch.

I remember my first New Year's Eve party.

There I was with Tommy Garcon,

ringing out the old, kissing in the new.

That was the year I first learned about the bases.

Forgive my ignorance, Suzanne,

but I don't believe they covered the bases

in my edition of the Masters and Johnson's manual.

Oh, you know. First base is French kissing.

Second base is breast.

Third base... All right, Suzanne.

You can spare us third and sliding into home.

I guess I was about 13 then, too.

Kind of reminds me of me.

Maybe I can stop her before she leaves.

Well, I'd like to know where's Anthony.

Right here, Julia.

Oh, that is eerie the way he does that.

You know, the way that Anthony just shows up

when you mention his name.

Here's that stuff you wanted from the gourmet shop.

Thank you, Anthony.

Oh, yeah, and I especially want

to thank you, Suzanne,

for calling ahead and letting them know

I was picking up all this stuff to be charged to your account.

Oh, I forgot to do that, didn't I?

Oh, gee, Anthony, I hope you didn't have trouble.

Well, I don't think the owner of that fancy store

exactly thought I belonged there.

Well, what makes you say that?

Well, it wasn't too hard to figure, Mary Jo.

Maybe it was the scarf.

You know, It was kind of cold out,

and I was wearing it a little high on my face.

Anyway, when I approached the cash register,

He started screaming, "This is a holdup!

"This is a hold up!"

Oh, my gosh. What did you say?

I didn't say anything.

I hit the floor just like everybody else.

Then it suddenly occurred to me

that I kind of stood out among the patronage.

Kind of like a reverse Oreo.

Well, were you able to explain to the owner

that it was all just a big misunderstanding?

Yeah, but, I think he was kind of disappointed

being he'd already pressed

the silent alarm to police headquarters.

I can't tell you what a joy it is

being surrounded by a SWAT squad during errands.

Thank goodness the police believed you.

Yeah, well, I guess they figured most professional thieves

do not pull a heist for four quarts of eggnog

and some goose pate.

Anyway, I'd like to wish you ladies

a very happy new year.

ALL: Happy new year to you, too, Anthony.

Well, I'm just dying to meet

this mystery date of yours.

How come you won't tell us?

Well, you'll see when we meet him at the restaurant.

It's a surprise, that's all.

Well, it was awful sweet of him

to send you this rose.

"Can't wait to break out

the New Year together." Signed "S."

Who could "S" be?

Stevie Wonder.

Don't worry. He's not somebody awful

like Muammar Qaddafi or the Boston Strangler.

That was certainly the pair

I had it narrowed down to.

Anyway, none of us have met Suzanne's date, either.

Well, You will. Worth's stretch limousine

it's gonna pick us all up in about half an hour.

You know... [LAUGHS]

I still cannot believe that you are actually dating

an 82-year-old man.

Worth Carrington happens to be

a very fascinating person.

I don't suppose it hurts that he's in the Fortune 500.

Oh, is he? I had no idea of Worth's worth.

Isn't J.D. gonna meet us here?

Uh, he was, but now

he's just gonna meet us at the restaurant.

He had to drop his kids off

over at his ex-wife's place.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I just hate it when he goes over there.

She has this idea that she still owns him on the holidays.

She just cannot accept the fact that divorce

is a 365-day-a-year event.

Well, I thought J.D.'s wife left him

so she could go find herself.

Yeah, she did.

Unfortunately, she keeps trying to find herself

back in his bedroom.

Now, Mary Jo, everybody knows J.D. is crazy about you.

You just take it from me.

You be sweet, patient, and understanding.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, hi, Reese.

Happy New Year to you, too.

You are?

Yes, she's right here.

He's in New York.

As in the city in the state of New York

and not here with me

after we planned this evening two months in advance?

Happy New Year to you, too.

And you can just stay in New York

with year-old new tax laws.

Gee, Julia, that was real sweet, patient, and understanding.

I've always detested New Year's Eve, anyway.

It's so silly,

everybody trying so desperately hard to be happy.

And If you're not blissfully happy,

then you feel like you're some kind of a failure.

Well, I think you can just count me out for tonight.

[FANFARE MUSIC PLAYING]

Suzanne, have you checked Worth's pulse recently?

He looks sort of dead to me.

Oh, no. He's alive.

I can hear that geriatric wheezing of his.

Well, his chauffeur says he drinks champagne like this every New Year's.

He's so happy to make it into the next year.

He just wants to celebrate 1987.

1987? Is this 1987?

Not yet, Worth.

Oh.

Are you J.D. Shackleford?

Yes. Your wife's on the phone.

Ex-wife. Excuse me. I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

I've never seen radar like that woman has

for tracking him down.

I mean, for heaven's sake,

they've been divorced since 1984.

1987?

Not yet, Worth.

You know, Mary Jo, I think you're being an awfully good sport about this.

I mean, if J.D. were my boyfriend,

I would be stark raving crazy.

I'd be plotting revenge, I would call New Jersey, hire a hit man,

and get that woman fitted for cement shoes.

Watch her try to tread water in the Hudson.

You think they have an 800 number?

Well, at least our dates showed up.

Shadow will be here in...

Shadow?

Yeah.

Well, how come you didn't tell us before?

'Cause you're always getting on me about going out with

the wrong kind of men and I knew

you didn't want me to date Shadow.

Well, I wasn't exactly crazy about him

from what you told me about him, but then I never have been

partial to men with bullet holes in their pants.

Well, he's my friend.

If you ask me, I think Julia

got the best deal. [SNORING]

And I think we were pretty rotten

to leave her alone like that.

Since when did you develop a conscience?

Since Howard Hughes over there

started snoring louder than that band.

Well, that was Janet.

Really?

And what did she have to say?

Oh, nothing. She was watching Casablanca.

That was our favorite movie when we were married

and they were at that part where Bogie and Bergman kiss.

I've seen the movie, thank you.

I'm not real big on reruns,

if you know what I mean.

Yes, I think I do.

And I also think I'm a jerk. I'm sorry.

I'll tell you what.

Let's all go back and surprise Julia right now.

I'll just leave a little thank-you note

here in Worth's horn.

ANNOUNCER: Now to 1987.

How much am I into you now for?

$3,450,000. But I'm willing to take an I.O.U.

because you've been so nice as to keep me company tonight.

Well, since my date fell through,

I didn't see any reason for both of us to spend the evening alone.

We're back! [HORN TOOTING]

ALL: Surprise!

We decided to come and spend New Year's with you.

And I need to make a call.

Well, Suzanne, where's your date?

He turned out to be closer to Father Time

than Daddy Warbucks.

I-- I know this is the fourth time I've called you, Claudia.

I just wanna make sure you're-- you're having a good time

and that you're not into any contact sports.

You know, like football.

Tag.

Baseball.

Pretty subtle.

All right, sweetie.

Happy New Year to you, too.

I love you. Bye.

Look, The big ball's about to go down on Times Square.

Let's get the confetti.

Oh, it's just not the same without Guy Lombardo.

Oh, I know what you mean.

It's just like in the Miss America pageant.

I mean, they can have all the dimpled pretty boys they want to MC it.

It's just not the same without that smiling Bert Parks

looking down those girls' dresses.

ALL: 10, nine, eight,

seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one...

ALL: Happy New Year! [HORN TOOTING]

ALL: Happy New Year.

Happy New Year.

♪ And never brought to mind ♪

♪ Should auld acquaintance be forgot... ♪

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program for this special bulletin.

Peter alias "Shadow" Wallace

has just escaped maximum security

at the Atlanta federal prison.

Wallace is reportedly armed and dangerous.

We will interrupt with further details

as they become available.

Charlene!

What?

Isn't that...

Shadow, your new year's mystery date?

Let me get this straight.

You had a date with an escaped convict?

Well, all he wrote me

was that he'd be getting out for New Year's.

I kind of assumed he meant parole.

So, Charlene,

did you tell your friend Shadow

that you'd be coming here?

No, when I wrote him, I told him to meet us at the restaurant.

Oh, that reminds me.

We left in such a rush, I forgot to leave him a message.

ALL: Charlene!

What?

Oh, shoot. Shadow wouldn't hurt a fly.

It is not the insect population

that we're worried about.

Oh, now, if you knew him,

if you could see his face,

you know, it's downright angelic.

So was Baby Face Nelson's.

[DOORKNOB RATTLES]

Happy New Year.

What are you doing snooping around out there?

[SNIFFING] Fuzz.

[SNIFFING] Feds.

Trust me. This nose never fails me.

Well. actually, the gentleman is correct.

There's been a prison break tonight

and we were wondering if he was in this neighborhood.

What would give you that idea?

We know Shadow's been writing to you, Miss Frazier.

We didn't see him at the bar tonight

and I was wondering if he showed up here.

Were you expecting him to?

Well, quite frankly,

escaped prisoners rarely leave

a forwarding address.

Uh, here's my card. Now,

if he does call you or shows up,

please call me right away.

We won't leave these women alone

till you catch this guy.

Right.

Good night. Hm.

Now, listen, don't you ladies worry.

I know the psychopathic mentality of the criminal,

having come up against it

during my unjustly accused days.

Their scheming ways.

Their conniving, devious minds.

In fact, if there is one common thread,

it's that they're all unpredictable

and crazy

and trigger happy.

That's it. Nobody leaves this house tonight.

Oh, now, Julia, that's unnecessary.

Shadow's a good person.

Didn't you just hear Anthony say

crazy and unpredictable and trigger happy?

Well, maybe he meant that in a positive way.

J.D.: Oh, come on, throw it.

Don't make love to it.

Oh, man, that quarterback is worthless.

Without a doubt, my two favorite things in the world

are taking down the Christmas tree

and watching four football games in one day.

Shoot, I kind of like watching football

where all those guys sweat.

It's real masculine to me.

Of course, I like the smell of locker rooms, too.

I especially like the way they slap each other's little behinds

after a really good play.

But I do think they're kind of perverted for doing it.

In my opinion, there's more going on on the football fields

than half the married bedrooms in America.

Yes! Yes! Great! Great! No. No. No. No.

[TELEPHONE RINGS] [ORNAMENT SHATTERS]

I got it.

[RINGING]

Hello.

Yes, Officer. Yes.

Oh, you did, huh?

Good work.

Yes, that'll put a lot of minds to ease here.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Thank you for calling.

Bye-bye.

Well, they caught Shadow.

[ALL SIGHING IN RELIEF]

They did?

Oh, Charlene, I know you feel bad about this,

but believe me, it's for the best.

Really, I don't know what possessed you

to invite an escaped convict

for New Year's Eve anyway.

He wasn't escaped when I invited him.

Anyway, he told me he was doing undercover work.

Well, the Brooklyn Bridge is sold,

but I can get you an excellent deal

on the Golden Gate.

Look, Julia, I know you think

I believe people too much,

but, I mean, it's holiday time.

You're supposed to have faith in your fellow man.

I mean Anthony's an ex-convict, and we trust him.

Well, listen, the Cotton Bowl's over

and we got just enough time before Arkansas creams Oklahoma to get a pizza.

Great idea. Extra pepperoni.

Arkansas? You've got to be kidding, man.

The Boz plays for Oklahoma.

And he is the greatest

white player I've ever seen.

Yeah, I'm telling you,

it's gonna be the Razorbacks by seven points.

No, it'll be the Sooners by about eight. The Razorbacks!

The Razorbacks! What's wrong with you?

You've seen Boz's hair. He paints his hair with...

Kind of makes the Kennedy-Nixon debates

pale by comparison, doesn't it?

Well...

maybe I'll call my kids over at Ted's house

and wish them a happy New Year.

Mary Jo, that is the fifth time you have called.

I mean, most families don't speak that much in a month.

I know.

I'm just not used to being without them

New Year's day.

And usually we-- we'd sit down

and write our resolutions.

Well, we could do that.

Oh, and then we could read them out loud.

It's Shadow on the TV. HOST: He's still at large.

An intensive search is being conducted.

More details at 6:00.

That's impossible, isn't it?

Well, you know how slow these news people are to find things out.

I mean, Dan Rather doesn't know anything

till 7:00.

Come on, Mary Jo. We're starting.

What if that bulletin is true?

I wish J.D. And Anthony would come back.

Oh, now come on. Let's take your mind off it.

You start, Suzanne. Okay.

"From now on, I'm going to pluck my eyebrows differently."

Your turn, Mary Jo.

"This year, I'm going to try and be more brazen.

"I'm gonna speak my mind

"and not worry so much about pleasing people."

You really think you can do that?

Well, I won't if you don't think it's a good idea.

Okay.

"Starting today,

"I'm going to try to be less judgmental.

"For instance, Suzanne, I won't automatically assume

"that you won't date a man

"whose net worth doesn't exceed J.R. Ewing's."

Okay, my turn.

Let's see. Oh.

"From now on, I'm not going to just go on and on

"and on and on with my endless thoughts, you know."

Like I always think that

Allen Funt's hidden cameras are everywhere.

You know? Like, for instance,

when I go to the grocery store

and I go to buy a box of cookies,

and I pull one box out,

and the entire huge pile falls down on the floor

and I want to run because I'm humiliated.

But I'm always afraid those cameras are there, so I try to pick them up...

[OBJECT RATTLING] Charlene. Shh!

Does anybody hear a noise?

I didn't hear anything.

I wish J.D. and Anthony would get back.

I just know it's those extra pepperonis

that are keeping them.

Now you're trying to blame my extra pepperonis

for our being murdered?

Oh, now, come on. Calm down.

No one's going to get murdered.

Suzanne, you're next.

Okay.

I'm going to try different-colored fashion combs

on the right side of my hair.

Suzanne!

Can't you make any resolutions

that are more important than that?

What do you mean "more important"?

Well, I think what Julia means is--

is something that would change your inner self

or maybe help the world.

Oh, that! Yes, yes.

Oh, I have one of those. I just haven't read it yet.

Here's one.

Next year,

I'm going to travel to an underdeveloped nation

and feed starving children.

You are?

Well, I'm not gonna live there or anything like that.

I'm just going to, you know, visit occasionally

and come back before I get one of those

underdeveloped diseases.

Like what? Like poverty.

You actually wrote that down?

Well, I didn't have time to write

the whole thing out completely.

I abbreviated.

There.

"Et cetera"?

Charlene.

Oh, okay.

"From now on, I'm going to be less trusting."

Well, I personally would miss

that trusting nature of yours.

I have to agree with Mary Jo, Charlene.

I've always found that

to be one of your finer qualities.

Well, it can get me in plenty of trouble.

But you wouldn't be Charlene

without that blind faith in others.

Oh, I agree.

Me, too.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Shadow, you made it!

I never break a promise.

[LAUGHS] I've only got a minute.

but I wanted to say goodbye.

Oh, no ,no, no, come on.

We've got eggnog and leftover pate.

Charlene, really. If the man says he's in a rush,

I see no reason to detain him.

[DOORBELL RINGS] [ALL GASP]

Well, aren't you going to answer it?

[ALL SCREAMING]

Well?

Is Shadow here?

I'm over here, Herb.

Oh, I didn't see you. [CHUCKLES]

I keep forgetting that's why they call you Shadow.

Look, we got to get going.

The local police are getting pretty close,

so whenever you're ready,

we'll be in the car.

Happy New Year.

Do you think that's the way Eliot Ness

would have handled this situation?

Well, I've got a new assignment now.

That's why the bureau staged my breakout.

I told 'em I had to see you before I left,

and I would have been here last night,

but the local police are actually trying to catch me.

Do you mean you actually are an undercover agent?

Yeah. Didn't Charlene tell you?

Well, yes, but...

You know, you really have been a true friend to me.

You never once forgot to write.

And, uh, that's why I couldn't leave

without saying goodbye.

Because I don't know when I'll be seeing you again.

You know, Charlene always wrote

how much you all mean to each other.

And that's a really special relationship the four of you have.

Hm. Friendship.

I guess that's what it's all about.

Well, I better shove off.

Come here, doll. [CHUCKLES]

Don't ever change.

Here's looking at you, kid.

I'll miss you.

ALL: Goodbye, Shadow.

You know, Charlene, your friend is right.

When you think about it,

We're awfully lucky to have another year together.

I'll pour the eggnog.

I'll eat the pate.

Suzanne, you know the one resolution you should've made?

Was what, Julia?

Nothing, Suzanne. You just eat

all that pate that you want.

You're my baby sister,

and you'll always be beautiful to me.

I love you, too, Julia.

In fact, I love everyone in this room.

This is like a chapter out of Little Women.

To 1987.

The best is yet to come.

ALL: To 1987.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]