Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you, Mrs. Gibson. And if that lamp doesn't work,

Don't hesitate to bring it back.

And the four of us will stomp your face in.

Julia, you ought to take something for that cold.

I've taken everything, Charlene.

The only thing left is to have my nose amputated.

Hey, you want to see something interesting?

Not right now.

Come on. It'll just take a minute.

I'm not saying I believe this,

But take a look at this picture

of the Ayatollah Khomeini.

Take away the beard, the bathrobe, and the big hat.

Who do you got?

Eddie Cantor.

No, silly. Howard Hughes.

What about Howard Hughes?

Amazing. Mention a billionaire

and her entire body goes on point.

Suzanne, take a look at this picture

of the Ayatollah Khomeini. Can't you see Howard Hughes?

Is this one of those games

like he's hidden in here somewhere?

Oh, never mind. I'm sorry I brought it up.

All I know is nobody's seen Howard Hughes since he died.

I find it more than a little strange

they cropped this picture off at the ankles.

So?

So maybe they don't want you to see the Kleenex boxes on his feet.

Wouldn't say I believed it.

What I want to know is with a face like that,

where does this Khomeini guy get off

making all those women over there wear veils?

Wearing veils is nothing.

They also stone women to death for having illicit affairs.

You're joking.

No, I am not. It was on the news.

Don't worry, Suzanne. They'll never do it in this country.

There aren't enough gravel pits.

Ooh, I'm sorry. I didn't even know you were having an illicit affair,

this week.

I'm not.

I'm just a little bit nervous because

Consuela put a curse on me.

Consuela? As in your maid Consuela?

There is only one Consuela.

Only she wants to be called Connie now.

She's getting all Americanized.

She wears my clothes, plays my records.

This morning when I woke up, she was bathing in my tub,

talking on the phone long distance.

Well, Suzanne, that is absolutely outrageous.

Why do you tolerate this kind of behavior?

Because I'm afraid of her.

She's got all these little dolls,

and they have these pins stuck in them.

You mean she's into voodoo?

Yeah, and she's been threatening me.

What kind of threats?

Things like if I don't let her use my electric razor,

I'll end up living with hobos

and begging them to lance the boils on my back.

Pretty nasty threat.

That's nothing. This morning, we had a big fight.

I said there was a slight possibility

I might have to fire her

because I didn't want to make her mad.

But she got mad anyway,

and she said I'd be dead by midnight tonight.

Why tonight?

I don't know, Julia. I guess she figures the sooner the better.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the phone. I'm going to call her up

and relieve you of her services.

I am certainly not afraid of a little straight pin.

No, wait. You can't do that.

Why not?

Because she's pretty good with this voodoo stuff.

I mean, she put a curse on that president of Haiti. What's his name?

Baby Doc, and his wife Michelle.

And now they're living in Switzerland without any credit cards.

Well that doesn't have anything to do with voodoo.

Oh, no? Well then how come she also put a curse on one of my tropical fish,

and this morning, he was belly up.

What could she possibly have against a fish?

She got mad because

he wouldn't come over to the side for tank and rub noses with her.

The woman is nuts.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Mary Jo.

You wouldn't believe the problems I'm having with this job.

Julia, I just don't know if I'm the right person.

[WHIMPERS]

What's the matter with her?

Consuela put a curse on her.

She's supposed to be dead by midnight.

Well,

I guess my problems aren't as bad as I thought.

Why did she put a curse on you?

Because she doesn't like me.

Anyway, could we please just change the subject?

Everybody knows that putting a curse on somebody is ridiculous and stupid.

But if by some crazy coincidence I die tonight,

I want you all to make sure

she does not get through customs with my hairpieces.

I just know she has them hidden somewhere,

and it irks me I can't find them.

If I were you, I'd just worry about getting through the next 12 hours.

I hate to seem so insensitive

while Suzanne's life hangs in the balance,

but I really do need to talk to you.

Alright, Mary Jo. What is it?

Hints Westchester. I am at my wit's end.

I mean, I have done my best to put together

what I think is a tasteful bachelor suite,

But he keeps adding all these exotic things

like a waterfall...

In the shower.

I don't know how to put a waterfall in the shower.

My mind just doesn't run along those lines.

I mean, the first time I saw a bidet,

I thought it was a drinking fountain for toddlers.

Well, maybe I could help.

I built one for my prom.

You had a bidet at your prom?

No!

A waterfall.

How did you do it?

Well, now that I think of it,

it was Gerald Saulers standing on a ladder waving cellophane.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, hi, Claudia. It's Charlene.

How are you, sweetheart? That's great.

Just a second. Your mama's right here.

Hi, honey, what you doing?

[GASPS] Oh, no, not tonight, Claudia.

You promised you'd remind me about that slumber party.

We don't have any groceries, the house is a wreck.

Okay, okay, okay.

Just put everything under the beds and I'll hunt for food.

All right, all right. See you.

Oh, no. Sorry.

Mason and I are going to a movie tonight.

Julia. How would you like to help chaperon

a slumber party for 14 slovenly, unkept teenagers?

There may be a prize at the end of the evening.

Sorry, I'm going to be home draining my sinuses.

Suzanne? Oh, I forgot. You have an appointment.

You could help till midnight.

It's just a joke. Oh, come on, Julia, won't you reconsider?

Remember how much fun slumber parties used to be?

No. For some reason,

I never enjoyed sleeping on a hard, cold floor

and waking up to find my underwear in the refrigerator.

Julia was born old.

All right, Mary Jo, if it'll help you.

But I warn you, I won't be good company.

If Julia's going, then I have to go.

Why is that?

Well, I'm certainly not going to die alone.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, hi.

Oh, you're kidding. You can't make it?

Well, I'm a little disappointed.

That's okay I promise.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Me, too.

That, too. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, you.

You big cookie, you.

Charlene! I'm sorry.

Mason, I have to go.

Julia!

Charlene, does that call mean that you are now available?

Yeah, Mason has to meet with a client.

Hooray! We'll just put the kids in the basement

and have our own slumber party.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Julia, you hear that?

That sounded just like the thunder in Psycho

Right before Janet Leigh got it in the shower.

Come on, Suzanne.

You are completely overreacting to this thing.

That's easy for you to say.

You don't have a pin stuck through your head.

Suzanne, even if Consuela does have these pins stuck in a doll,

how do you know that doll is supposed to be you?

Because she has my face glued on it.

That is a pretty big tip-off.

You know, it is kind of weird what just happened.

What do you mean?

Oh, man, I just told you I couldn't come tonight

and then my phone rang.

It was Mason, cancelling our date.

I mean, it's almost like somebody wants me to be there.

Maybe Consuela wants witnesses.

Witnesses to what?

Whatever's going to happen.

Oh, gee. Maybe on second thought

I don't want to have this thing at my house.

Oh, you people are just ridiculous.

There is no such thing as voodoo.

Maybe not, Julia, but there's some pretty funny things

going on around here.

For example, it's more than a little strange

that this storm has suddenly started brewing up

for no good reason.

And here we are all spending the night together

for the first time in our lives.

Yeah, and this is the very first time I've worn this sweater with this skirt.

Whatever.

Anyway, it also just happens to coincide

with the night of my appointment.

[HUMS TWILIGHT ZONE THEME]

Oh, stop that!

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, gee, Suzanne, I'm sorry about that movie.

If I had known it had zombies and shrunken heads in it,

I never would have started watching it.

Once I get started, I just can't stop.

What time is it?

11:04.

Oh!

Only 56 more minutes.

Julia, can I get on that couch with you?

No.

It makes into a bed.

If you die on it, it'll be too hard to fold out.

Well, I'm coming anyway.

[HUMS TWILIGHT ZONE THEME] [GASPS]

What's going on in the basement?

They're all asleep, all 14 of them.

I counted heads to make sure nobody sneaked out.

They sure haven't been any trouble.

No.

When we used to have summer parties,

we'd play records and dance all night.

Put ice down each others pajamas.

These kids, they don't do anything.

They're--they're so mature.

Why don't you'll hear some of these old 45's I dug up.

Oh, this is it!

I can feel the pin going through my head!

It's just the stereo, it's a short circuit. [SLEEP WALK PLAYS]

Oh, be still, my heart.

Oh, that's one of my absolute most favorite songs.

Don't you just love that music we watched Annette grow up by?

Annette who?

Funicello! Funicello!

My, Julia, get with the program!

There is only one Annette.

Hey, you know what we ought to do?

We ought to pretend we're back in junior high, slow dance.

Wouldn't that be fun? Come on.

No, my nails are wet.

Julia?

I don't think so, Mary Jo, but thank you for asking.

You didn't ask me.

I thought you were too upset.

Okay.

Would you like to dance?

Usually I wouldn't, but since I'm a condemned person,

with time to kill I might as well. Who's gonna lead?

You can. You're tallest.

Put out your hand.

Isn't this hysterical?

We used to do this for hours.

I never did this.

I don't recall anybody's breasts being this big.

Maybe I'll go downstairs.

This party seems to be taking a new turn.

Somehow this doesn't seem quite as much fun as I remember.

I'm not having any fun at all.

Okay. We can quit.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Could you tell me what time it is?

Oh! 11:06.

Here. Would you please keep track

of your own life expectancy?

Hey!

I got a great idea.

Why don't I go in the kitchen and scramble us all some eggs,

and we'll have a bull session?

What's that?

Oh, you know, when everybody tells everybody else what they don't like about 'em.

Just remember the guidelines. You can't say anything to hurt anybody.

It has to be constructive criticism.

I think it's the worst idea I ever heard,

And I'm the one who's the condemned person.

We should be doing what I want to do. I should be

having a good time. I should be living my last moments to the fullest.

Instead, here I am sitting around

In this old thing staring at the three of you.

Let's start with Suzanne.

MARY JO: I think what we're trying to say

is that maybe you're just a tiny bit too man-crazy.

I think it's more than a little tiny bit.

I mean, it doesn't matter how old or young.

Every man who comes into Sugarbaker's

gets the same looks and giggles and winks.

Winks? You must be joking. I've never winked at anyone in my life.

Then you must have a gimp eyelid or something.

Charlene, we said we weren't going to get mad.

Okay, okay, I'm not mad.

If there's anyone around here who's man-crazy, it's you.

Well, that's true, but in Suzanne's defense,

we did agree not to criticize traits which are basically incurable.

SUZANNE: Thank you, Mary Jo.

Quinton, I want you to take that alligator suit off

and go to bed.

Good night.

Okay. Who's next?

Let's do Julia.

All right. What's wrong with her?

MARY JO: Well, she's not very animated.

Let's do Mary Jo.

All right. You want to go last, that's fine with me.

Go ahead, shoot.

Okay, well, for starters, I find you indecisive, wimpy,

and your hair's too frizzy.

I mean we're talking about the permanent that wouldn't die.

I don't know about you, but midnight can't come too soon for me.

MARY JO: Well, for my part, Suzanne,

you always present yourself

as this sexy, attractive person...

Excuse me, Mary Jo,

but I think we can go a little bit further than attractive.

That's just what I'm talking about.

You have this way about you that makes other women feel like...

Eunuchs.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

Well, I certainly don't mean to do that.

That's another thing. You always say you "don't mean to do that."

Well, I don't. I've had trouble with women all my life.

I guess I just attract jealousy.

Suzanne, we're not jealous of you.

We don't want to be you.

We just want you to think it's okay to be us.

Are you sure you're not jealous?

I mean, sometimes I can be pretty stunning.

Okay. All right. Maybe I can change. What would you suggest?

Keep in mind I don't have a lot of time.

I suggest that there are four attractive women at Sugarbaker's

and that there are a lot of guys out there

who would pick any given one of us... Darn right!

And I suggest you start acting like you know it!

Mom, I hate to give you guys another warning,

but you're going to have to keep it down.

I'm sorry. We'll be quieter.

Okay. I just hope I don't have to come back up here again.

Don't worry. You won't.

You know, Mary Jo, I'm sorry I called you wimpy.

I was wrong.

When it comes to criticizing me, you can be a barracuda.

It's just the liquor talking.

After about six or seven of those bourbon balls,

I get assertive...

Self-confident.

Otherwise, believe me, it would be impossible

for me to tell you how deeply I resented you going out with my ex-husband.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

I thought you said you wished Ted and me well.

I did but I still thought that you shouldn't have gone out with him.

Well, it didn't last.

Well, that is not the point. Then what is?

The point is that if I had another ex-husband, you would do it again.

Oh, I doubt it. The odds are pretty strong

against my wanting to go out with two men you've married.

You see, I'm never sure, but I think that's an insult.

I think you're right. And I think you owe Mary Jo an apology.

And I think you two are unbelievably mean to gang up on me

just when it's two minutes till midnight.

Suzanne, we're not ganging up on you, I'm just taking up for my friend.

That's the whole point, isn't it?

The truth is I know you're not jealous of me.

I'm jealous of you.

Come on, Suzanne, don't puddle up.

Yeah, we never should have started this.

Oh, well, why not? You may as well know.

I...I envy your friendship.

I mean, I see the way that you and Charlene light up

when the other one comes into a room.

It's like, "Hey, there's my friend.

Isn't she something?"

I've never known that.

For some reason, women just don't light up around me.

Well, that doesn't mean they don't like you.

I just want you guys to know that no matter what happens to me

in the next 60 seconds, you're the best friends I've ever had.

And you mean a lot to us, too.

Yeah.

I can't put my finger on it,

but there's something wrong with this picture.

[CLOCK BELL TOLLS] Ow!

Oh! It's happening!

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[YELLING]

It's got a hold on me!

[SCREAMS]

It's just a short circuit.

That lamp always does that.

Oh. Oh, I can't stop hyperventilating.

[HUMS TWILIGHT ZONE THEME] [SHRIEKS]

Oh, Suzanne, it's after midnight.

You're still alive.

I am?

I am, aren't I?

I can't believe it. It's over, and I'm still alive.

Oh, I can't tell you what a relief...

I mean, I was trying to be nonchalant,

but I just feel like a weight's been lifted.

Yeah, me, too.

I told you all that voodoo stuff was a crock.

Julia, while you were asleep,

we've had sort of a breakthrough

in our relationship with Suzanne.

I was afraid of that when that dancing started.

It turns out that she's jealous of us.

I wouldn't go so far as to say jealous.

That's what you said.

I know, but I was under duress.

I thought I was dying.

I'm not. I'm alive.

I'm going to go on living and laughing and loving

and doing something constructive with my life.

I'm going to visit people in nursing homes.

See the orphans and the handicapped.

On second thought, maybe I'll just take a middle-income family out

to a fancy restaurant.

So much for our big breakthrough.

I knew it wouldn't last.

All right, Julia, your turn.

You want us to tell you what's wrong with you?

No, I know what's wrong with me. I have bad breath.

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to kill that Consuela.

When I think about what she did to me,

I ought to call her up and say, "Consuela, guess what?

This is Suzanne, and it's after midnight. Ha ha ha."

I think you ought to work on it a little more.

It's not quite there yet.

Can I have one of those mints?

Help yourself.

Julia, what is this?

Oh, that's just a little voodoo doll

I happened to have lying around the house.

I thought you said voodoo was lots of nonsense.

It is.

Well, just for the heck of it I called Clarence Otto

at the Museum of Folk History, he's a friend of mine.

He said the best way to ward off a curse

is to put your own curse on the cursor.

Or is it the cursee?

So this is... Consuela.

You little devil, you.

You know, Julia, that is just about the sweetest thing

anybody's ever done for me.

That was sweet, wasn't it?

It sure was.

And this is just about the nicest slumber party

I've had since

I became a mature adult.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I think I'll go to bed now. I've gotta get my beauty rest.

If you don't mind, Julia, I'm going to take the couch

because sleeping on the floor just makes my eyes puffy.

Suzanne, did I mention Clarence says

taking the little pin out of the little doll

leaves you very little protection?

On the other hand, sleeping on the floor

can be good for your back.

Well, I think it's time we call it a night.

Oh, me, too. I've had it.

You're joking. You mean actually go to sleep?

I mean, it's not even time for the minister

to give the sign-off sermonette.

We're tired. We watched two scary movies,

pigged out on popcorn, survived a death threat, and told each other off.

I think that's about enough for one evening.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Good night, everybody.

OTHERS: Good night, Mary Jo.

I hate to ask this, but do you think maybe just for old time's sake,

somebody could put a little ice down my pajamas?

All right, you guys. If it'll shut her up.

[ALL CLAMORING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]