Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Julia, will you please get down here?

I need some help.

Not now, Suzie, I'm trying to get this stuff together

for that new client.

Mary Jo and I have to got to be out at her house by 2:00.

Well, forget the new client.

I can't find my alimony checks.

I can't believe that.

I would think you could smell them,

You know, kind of like those big pigs

that run through the woods

snorting out that expensive fungus.

Something wrong?

I just had the strangest thing happen.

I'm getting out of my car when this other car goes by

and there's a dog on the passenger side. Yeah?

As just he passes,

he gives me this incredibly strange look.

What kind of look?

Like... he thought he recognized me.

I've had that happen to me before.

But yes, in your case, it was probably true.

Don't anybody speak to me.

'cause I'm not the sort of person

you'd want to be friendly with if you knew me well.

In fact, I was lying in bed last night talking to myself,

saying "Charlene,

you are the scummy residue that accumulates on

little rubber drain plugs when people

aren't very good housekeepers."

Charlene, don't you feel like you're being

a little hard on yourself?

No, I don't feel anything

but deeply ashamed.

JULIA: Well, maybe you'd feel less ashamed

if you changed outfits.

I'm wearing this 'cause Ed likes it.

Ed who?

Ed from Hyde, Purcell, and Wilhoit.

He's been helping me with my investment counseling,

takes me to lunch every day.

I knew you were having a lunch with a man this week,

didn't I say that?

I said, "Charlene's acting very secretive,

"and she's got that little look in her eye."

I think what you said was...

"Do y'all think she could be embezzling money?"

Charlene, I don't mean to seem judgmental,

but I thought Mason was your boyfriend.

He is,

but when he moved away, we agreed to date other people.

I didn't know I'd meet someone so fast

who makes me feel the way I feel.

I haven't said anything 'cause I didn't want y'all to think I'm shallow.

Well, how do you feel?

Shallow.

But I can't help it. It's just chemistry.

Forgive me, Charlene, but chemistry still does not explain that getup.

Oh, come on, Julie, don't be so stuffy.

For some people, this is conservative.

Yes, well, maybe Tina Turner while lying in state.

I just can't believe this.

I mean, three weeks ago, you were sitting here on this sofa

crying and wailing, and saying your life was over

because Mason had moved to Toledo.

It's Tokyo, Suzanne.

Well, excuse me, Mary Jo.

They both start with "T" and end with "O."

I didn't know this was a test.

Look, Suzanne, you think I'm happy about this?

I mean, it's tough, you know...

Mason's over there, alone in a strange city, all 300 pounds of him,

surrounded by thin people who only eat fish.

Here I am thinking about somebody new,

butterflies in my stomach.

I can't eat, sleep.

Now wait a minute, have you considered the possibility

this is one of maybe one of those rebound things?

You know, that happens all the time.

I don't know what it is, but I feel rotten.

I mean, Mason's my big cookie.

Don't say that.

I hate it when you say that.

I can't help it. He is.

But this thing with Ed is just chemistry.

And there's nothing you can do about chemistry. It's just there.

I mean, look at the different kinds of men I'm attracted to.

There's no rhyme or reason...

Elvis Presley,

Fidel Castro...

Carl Sagan.

Carl Sagan?

Well, it's the way he says "cosmos."

It makes me hot.

Oh, I'm sorry, Julia.

I know you hate people talking about what makes them hot.

Well, you can have those guys.

As for me, I prefer the older, established types.

You mean rich and terminally ill?

For your information, rich is sexy.

It's pretty hard to get juiced up

about one of those old guys

wearing those cheesecloth undershirts from Montgomery Ward's.

Come on, Suzanne,

what does money have to do with anything?

Oh, come on, grow up.

It's a better thing

to base a relationship on than chemistry.

Just look at the mess you got yourself into.

Now you're in love with two men.

No.

At least I'm being honest about it.

I mean I wrote Mason and told him.

Oh, Charlene, you didn't!

I did. I had to.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Why I can't have chemistry with someone else and not tell him?

That would be unfaithful.

Why--why didn't you give yourself a little time?

I mean, this thing with Ed might just be some

manner flirtation.

Mary Jo is right, Charlene. It's not a smart thing to do.

Especially not to a man who is living in a country

where women with tiny feet will walk on your back for a nickel.

Could you try his room one more time?

He has to be there. It's 2:00 a.m. in Tokyo.

What?

Well, then, could you tell him Charlene called...

Again?

Thank you.

Arigato. Yeah.

Bye. You, too.

Probably read my letter...

Met someone else, got married,

Had kids.

My guess is he committed hari-kari.

Suzanne, you don't have to be mean

just 'cause you got PMS.

I don't have PMS. I have cramps.

Anyway, I don't believe in that stuff.

That's a bunch of nonsense women make up

to get away with murder.

She could be right.

Yesterday in the checkout line,

I read where this woman who had PMS

went berserk in an elevator

and stabbed a man with her fingernail file

'cause he wouldn't push six.

There, but for fortune, goes Suzanne.

Julia, get serious.

I don't act any different than any other time.

And you don't have to always be so dramatic.

"There, but for fortune, goes Suzanne."

I mean, honestly, sometimes the sound of your voice

just makes my hair stand on end.

Well, that's because you have PMS.

And you not only act different...

You look different.

What do you mean?

Well, for starters, your face is puffy.

It's water retention, and everyone has it.

Some of us, however, can retain water better than others.

Because we're smaller-boned,

We can carry it more gracefully.

You, Suzanne, are not a person

who can carry a lot of water around on those bones,

If you know what I mean.

Don't get all bent out of shape about it.

It happens to the best of us.

I personally have one day each month

When I always look like Broderick Crawford.

In Suzanne's case, it's Willard Scott.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for my nail file.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Who would knock?

Oh, that's Ed. He's such a gentleman, he's taking me to lunch.

I want to know what you think when I get back.

And be nice and don't get on your soapbox about...

Charlene, just let the man in.

Hi, Ed. Oh, hi.

No, he's not Mason, but he's nice. Give him a chance.

Hi. I'm sorry. Come on in.

I want you to meet everybody.

Hi. JULIA: Hi.

Ed, this is Julia.

And that's Mary Jo, and the big couch potato is Suzanne.

Hello.

Nice to meet you.

Can you believe it?

Believe what?

How much he looks like Jerry Lee Lewis.

Oh, we hadn't noticed.

Yeah, you do look like him a little.

Yeah, well, she keeps trying to convince me.

First time I saw Ed, I could not believe the resemblance.

You know, he's my favorite singer after Elvis.

I've been dying for him to come by show you guys.

Well, we can't thank you enough.

This has been an incredible moment.

She gets carried away. She can't help herself.

Oh, get out. I'll see you guys after lunch.

It was nice meeting you all.

Nice meeting you.

And this is the bedroom.

Yes, I had that feeling.

I guess you'd like us

to spice this up for you.

Probably the only thing

you can spice up in this room are the drapes.

I was thinking of some kind of floral.

How do you feel about chintz?

Julia, do take a look at Mrs. Boeving's dresser.

It's just... Extraordinary.

I just love chintz.

Of course I also love stripes.

[GASPS]

I take it you don't.

Oh, sorry. I just have a little asthma.

My, isn't this a handsome man.

Do let me guess.

Who would that be?

A brother, father, cousin, or anybody else

you could possibly conceive of?

No, that's my husband Ed.

Your husband. Right.

He looks a lot like Jerry Lee Lewis, doesn't he?

He's the reason why you're here.

I'm redoing the bedroom as a big surprise.

Well, it certainly is going to be that.

Well, good afternoon, ladies.

You might be interested to know I'm feeling much better.

I just had lunch at the country club

where I was told by no less than 26 people

that I never looked more lovelier.

Hey, what's going on? Something's up.

No, it's not.

We're just having quiet time.

Oh, don't quiet time me.

You're hiding something.

Suzanne, I like you a lot better

when you're just lying around like third base.

Come on, just tell me.

You know I'm going to find out sooner or later.

It's something just a little bit sad.

I love sad.

Tell me.

It's Ed.

He's married.

Charlene's Ed? How do you know?

Our new client...

Ed's wife.

Are you sure?

They're not divorced or separated?

Oh, they're married. We saw their bed. California king.

Can you believe that?

She should never have written that dumb letter to Mason.

Now she's fouled everything up. And a married man.

That is tacky.

I would never date anyone who was married.

You don't have to. You marry everyone you date.

Charlene wouldn't be going out with him if she knew.

Well, somebody's got to tell her. Who's going to do it?

Maybe we should just write her a little note and get out of here?

Now I know why you lost your job at the hot line.

Hi, everybody. I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to stop by someone's house

and pick up my lingerie.

Look, can you believe this stuff?

Mood underwear.

It changes color according to your arousal.

A voice-activated brassiere.

Charlene, do you think

maybe your morals are getting a little more... Relaxed?

Mary Jo, I'm not going to wear this stuff.

I ordered it months ago at my friend Wendy's lingerie party.

I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

These are gag gifts.

Well, they certainly make me gag.

Charlene, why don't you relax?

Just sit down and put your feet up.

Let me get you a cup of coffee.

Thanks, Mary Jo. That's very nice.

Someone in my family die?

Now, Charlene, there's something that...

Julia and Mary Jo want to talk to you about,

something you might want to sit down to hear.

I am sitting down. Maybe you should lie down.

Why? What's the matter?

Charlene...

In the course of human events,

Good things happen, and bad things happen.

I'm getting fired, aren't I?

I don't think y'all can fire me, I own part of this business.

Don't be ridiculous.

You're not getting fired.

It's just that...

Sometimes, just when we think everything's going our way, you know?

Love is blooming and chemistry's cooking

and everything's coming up roses...

We suddenly find a weed in our garden

we didn't even know was there.

What's your point? Ed's married.

That's my point.

What do you mean Ed's married?

I mean as in 19 years.

Married.

I don't believe that. Who told you that?

Ed's wife.

She's our new client.

Well... What do you know about that?

The way I see it you got three options.

Number one... Ed has to be punished,

Number two... you can provide a detailed report to the wife.

and that's not a pretty picture.

Number three... he has 10 days to rectify the situation,

or those two sentences could run concurrently.

Charlene, are you all right?

Oh, yeah,

I'm going to be fine after I throw up.

Ed's the one you want, isn't he?

No. As a matter of fact,

Spending time with him

has made me realize how much I miss Mason.

I woke up in the middle of the night,

and it all just hit me.

Mason worries about me when I have a cold,

he's always checking my tires and putting gas in my tank.

So to speak.

He loves me like my parents love me.

I guess there is one difference.

What's that?

My parents are still speaking to me.

Charlene, believe me.

This is a big mistake.

You don't tell the man you've been dating

that you found out he was married

with your best friend sitting here.

I told you, Mary Jo, I need you for moral support.

No, you don't. You're fine.

I'm a nervous wreck.

I hate these singles places anyway.

That guy over there keeps staring at me.

I think he's going to ask me out.

That's the busboy.

You got Mai Tai foam on your lip.

Charlene, you are not reacting to this

in a normal way.

I mean, you have not screamed. You haven't cried.

You haven't got a weapon in your purse, have you?

Of course not.

Now that you mention it, I have a mace gun.

Maybe I ought to just tell him off

and give him a whiff.

My friend Sydney Hunter, she carried mace in her purse to Europe.

And one day in this art museum,

she decides she has bad breath.

where she grabs the wrong little can, and she maces herself.

Can you believe that?

There she was, conked out in line

with her dress up over her head,

waiting to see the Mona Lisa.

I cannot believe you are sitting here

entertaining me with humorous stories

while waiting to kill this man who has done you wrong.

I mean, I am impressed.

Don't be.

Comes from growing up in a family of eleven kids.

I had to be strong I was the rot of the litter.

I don't want to be insanely or anything, but

doesn't that guy have a wonderfully well-rounded butt.

And he knows.

Which reminds me,

don't mention sex when Ed gets here.

Okay. Because that's absolutely none of my business.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

I didn't expect company.

I asked her to come.

Anyway, she's not company. She's my best friend.

We have no secrets.

That's right, but obviously, you do.

Mary Jo.

Just go ahead. Pretend I'm not here.

I know you're married.

Oh... Ahem.

How'd you find out?

Your wife hired us to decorate your house.

Are you joking?

No, Ed, I would not joke about a thing like this.

My sense of humor is much further along.

Which part of the house?

The bedroom. It's a surprise.

But I like my bedroom.

We're getting rid of the drapes.

Why?

Just live with it a while.

If you don't like it, we'll put them back.

I do not believe this, Do you mind?

I'm sorry.

I should never drink on an empty stomach.

If I were you, I'd spend a lot less time worrying about drapes

and a lot more time trying to explain to me why you did this to me.

It just all seemed to happen so fast, Charlene.

Well, didn't happen too fast for me

to tell you about Mason.

I didn't know you did that.

Yeah, I told him the same day I wrote that letter.

You know you really are a good person.

There he goes again.

Who?

The guy with the butt.

I'll be back to taking orders.

Bring me something with the coconut, the chicken set on fire.

Look, Charlene, I was... I was wrong.

I haven't been fair to you.

I haven't been fair to my wife.

I just didn't know what to do.

You and I have only known each other for a few weeks,

and I've been married for 19 years.

You should never keep drapes longer than seven.

What am I supposed to say, congratulations?

I want you to say that you believe me

When I tell you this is my first affair.

Oh, come on!

It doesn't matter if I was the first or the last.

You lied 'cause you knew

I'd never be with you if you were married.

Right. You're right. But I was scared.

I mean, what we have is so new to me.

Don't get me wrong. It's not just the sex.

Okay, [LAUGHS] that's it.

The duck just came down from the sky and said the magic word.

I warned you, I'm leaving.

Ed, so nice to meet you,

I'm sure you're probably a creep,

but good luck to you and your family.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Thanks a lot. Now she thinks we slept together.

Well, it wasn't 'cause I didn't want to.

Well, you think it was easy for me?

I was very attracted to you.

So why wouldn't you?

I don't know.

It just didn't seem right.

Somehow I still feel connected to Mason.

Anyway, unrequited love can be beautiful.

That's true.

But somehow I always feel it's more fulfilling

If you actually get to do it with someone.

You're terrible.

You stole my thunder tonight.

I was going to break your heart

and tell you I belong to Mason.

Now it sounds like I'm saying that 'cause you're married.

No, I believe you.

You believe me?

About what?

You are the first.

I guess deep down,

Neither one of us knew what we were doing.

You were mixed up about your marriage

and me about Mason.

I'm just glad we got it all straightened out

before anyone got too hurt.

As much as I'm crazy about you,

I want you to be happy, I want you to go home and try to make things work.

I don't think I'm going to be able to do that.

Why not? Because I left my wife.

You what?

Believe me. It's for the best.

Come on. She's redoing the bedroom for you.

How bad can she be?

It's not that. It's just that,

well, you fouled things up.

Look, if I did anything or said anything, I take it all back,

you know, in this light you don't even look that much like Jerry Lee Lewis.

You showed me what's possible, Charlene.

What? Divorce?

No.

Happiness,

Honesty,

being excited about someone.

She and I have never had that.

I want what you have with this Mason.

I think he's a very lucky guy.

Oh, Ed.

Have you made your decision?

Have you?

Yeah, I think I have.

Charlene, it's here! Your letter from Mason.

You're kidding. I just went outside and checked.

Hey, I flagged down the truck.

I just had this feeling

it was going to be here today.

No, I'm too scared. What if he doesn't forgive me.

What if he hates me?

Hurry up, Charlene.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, he says he still loves me.

Oh, he also says he understands chemistry, too.

He remembers his hormones running amuck

when he met me.

In fact, he didn't get to Tokyo

before he got chemistry with a stewardess.

Well, please.

All men have chemistry with stewardesses.

Her name's Eva. She lives in San Francisco.

What else?

They went for a drink.

She thinks he's very funny.

She likes his smile.

Well, I'm furious!

Well, I don't blame him.

You had the decency to wait three weeks before you forgot him.

Yes, I would like an overseas operator, please.

It's 11:00 a.m. here. That means it's 1:00 a.m. in Tokyo.

Yeah, he'll be in bed.

Yes, operator, I'm calling [011] 813-9494.

Yeah, arigato.

I'll just wake him up.

We'll see if he's smiling now.

Yeah, Charlene, don't do anything rash.

I think we got enough trouble for one week.

For crying out loud, he just had drinks with a stewardess.

Oh, come on, I can read between the lines

and I'm sick and tired of being everybody's patsy.

Let somebody else take it between the eyes for a change.

Now, I'm no more Mr. Nice guy.

Hello, Mason, this is Charlene.

Is that you, honey?

Yeah. How's my big cookie?

Oh, I miss you, too.

Yeah. Oh, I love you, too.

Uh-huh. [LAUGHS]

No.

Oh, she's killing him.

["GREAT BALLS OF FIRE" PLAYING]