Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

How many of those pictures are you gonna cut up?

As many as it takes

to communicate with these upholsterers.

They don't speak a word of English.

You can only say so much with your hands.

For example, this morning,

I was trying to explain...

Tuft.

Now the nephew thinks

I want larger breasts.

I don't.

Well, if it isn't Imelda Marcos.

My, we outdid ourselves today.

Can you believe that poor woman?

Who? Imelda.

All that money, all those 1000's of shoes and dresses.

She still land up with a big bun on her head,

looking like a high school prom chaperon.

Did you find a dress for tonight?

Yeah. I think so.

Julia, look.

Reese sent roses.

Oh, that man! He's got to stop.

I know. It's only a six-month anniversary.

I always say I don't deserve him,

But nobody else does, either,

So I may as well have him myself.

What incredibly wonderful place is he taking you to?

I don't know.

He's being mysterious about a lot of things,

Including a special gift for me,

which he will only say is yellow

and I can hold it on one finger.

You're kidding. Yellow must mean gold.

He's giving you an engagement ring.

Don't say that. What would you say if it is?

I don't know.

It would be nice to be asked, I suppose.

I'm not ready to get married again yet.

That's good. I don't think you'll get asked.

Suzanne! Suzanne!

Well, I'm just being realistic.

Come on, all the women at the country club

are hot to trot for Reese Watson.

Mary-Alice just died two years ago.

Now why would he want to tie himself down again?

Well, he wouldn't, Suzanne,

without sufficient motivation.

However, I assure you

that if I wanted to motivate him,

I could do so a lot sooner

than you can jump the next unsuspecting man from behind.

I bet if there's a ring,

he'll hide it in something, it's what everybody does now.

They hide it in flowers, or under a plate, or inside a napkin.

You're joking.

Whatever happened to just an old-fashioned box?

That's boring. Nobody does that anymore.

How did Ted give you yours?

I didn't get a ring.

I got a gift certificate.

I'll never forget my friend Brenda Barker, she got hers

inside a piece of cake,

Only she didn't know it

till she started choking on it so bad they had to take her

to the emergency room.

Her fiancé Donald got so mad

after they pumped up a $65 dinner,

he took the ring back, and they eventually married other people.

Great story. You'll want to save that

in case you're ever on the Tonight show.

Please, let's stop talking about this ring business.

I'm not getting a ring.

I wish you'd never brought it up.

I don't know, Julia.

Yellow, fits on one finger.

What else could it be?

One of those little plastic bananas on a key chain.

You know, I can hardly believe

that we've been going out together

for six months today.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Now, I just want to tell you something

so we can settle back and enjoy the rest of the evening,

but you have to promise me

you won't get mad.

Mad?

Reese, why on earth

would I get mad at you tonight?

Well, I don't know, but you could.

Don't be silly. Go ahead, try me.

All right.

Darling,

You've made a mistake with your hair.

Thank you, thank you.

Bon appetit.

I like this guy.

Have you noticed

how all the waiters now have to have a relationship with you?

I mean, they got to tell you

their name is Greg or Bob or Bill,

and just when you've got a mouthful,

they're wanting to know how's that swordfish.

I like a guy who serves the food and gets out.

What do you mean, a mistake with my hair?

Well,

I mean it doesn't flatter you.

Your features are angular,

and with your hair up,

It just brings all that forward.

Not that you aren't still perfectly lovely.

I see.

I didn't realize

my face was coming on too strong for you.

I had no idea it was so overwhelming,

or I would've worn a bag over my head.

Here you go. Now you're mad.

A rose for madame.

No, I'm not mad.

I appreciate your telling me.

Why, without your input,

Who knows how many people

I might have offended tonight

just by looking at them?

I was just trying

to give you a little tip there,

you don't have to get mad and burn down the restaurant.

Are you looking for something?

Just a nervous habit.

Darling, you don't need me

to tell you you're gorgeous.

You know it. Everybody knows you know it.

It's written all over that cocky little walk.

Still, it's nice to be told.

All right.

You're gorgeous.

Don't you think she's gorgeous?

Oui, monsieur.

I like this guy.

He's right on top of things.

Maybe you two can get together later

and have drinks in the piano bar.

Hey, let's not fight.

This is our anniversary.

I want to tell you,

these past six months have been

among the finest of my life.

I also want to say

I've represented guys on death row

who took less interest in their food.

[LAUGHING]

Well...

This was a wonderful dinner.

Now what?

Don't you want to tear open this last roll?

There might be something in it.

Don't be silly.

I wasn't looking for anything.

I was just hungry.

I noticed.

[CHUCKLES] I guess I'd better get on with this gift business

Before they roll you out of here on a gurney.

Okay, now.

First you have to close your eyes.

They're closed.

All right.

Now open them.

[CHIRPING]

Well?

What do you think?

[CHUCKLES] A bird?

This is what you were giving me

that's yellow and fits on one finger.

Yeah.

Do you like him?

Oh, yes.

Very much.

He's a fine bird.

You're disappointed.

No, I'm not.

Oh, gosh, I thought my clues were too on the nose.

No, you shouldn't have worried.

I could never have guessed,

Not in a million years,

Not even if Jeanne Dixon and the Amazing Kreskin were working with me

around the clock.

Well, hell, I could have got you a fur coat or a car.

What would be the point

When you could get me a bird like this?

You may take him away now.

We'll pick him up on the way out.

Oui, madame.

Bon appetit.

You don't know why I got him, do you? No.

Julie, don't you remember telling me

how you lost your pet canary

when you were little girl

and how it almost killed you

because it sang so beautifully

and it was the first pet you ever loved?

I remember having a canary,

but I don't remember being that overwrought.

Come on, you were sitting right in front of my fireplace

when you told me. It must have been Mary-Alice.

With tears streaming down your face.

I must have been kidding.

You know how dramatic I can be.

Or maybe I was upset about something else.

I do that sometimes when I don't want to talk about

what I'm really upset about then I just blame it

on something trivial.

Not that this bird is trivial.

This is truly a...

A fine... bird.

Hogwash. You got a face

longer than our bar bill.

And it is yellow,

and it does fit on one finger.

Well, I can't believe it.

I mean, how could I be so dense?

You were expecting a ring, weren't you?

A ring?

No. Don't be ridiculous.

You can't fool me, kiddo.

You crushed six rolls tonight

and had an ice bucket up to your elbow.

You were mining for diamonds...

And you know it.

Reese, look into my eyes and read my lips.

I was not expecting a ring.

Well, I'll be hornswoggled. I'm just going to sit right back here

and bust my buttons.

I am flattered.

An old, ugly bear like me

and a beautiful girl like you.

This is your little fantasy, not mine.

You bet it is.

And maybe it's time we did something about it.

What do you mean?

Marry me. I said marry me. What?

Forget the ring. We don't need it.

We'll get a house

and raise the bird together.

I think your champagne just kicked into overdrive.

What the heck. Why not?

I'm a man, you're a woman.

I rest my case.

Reese, my precious one,

we cannot get married.

Why not?

Because it's nuts.

Everybody else does it...

People not half as nice and responsible

as you and me.

Anyway, think of the money we could collect.

What money?

Well, for some strange reason,

there's a lot of betting pools being put together,

speculating on the odds

against anyone getting me down the aisle again.

[LAUGHS]

I myself abhor this practice, but...

Between all the secretaries at the office

and a good number of the Atlanta Bar association,

we could be in for three or four grand.

You romantic dog, you.

Also...

You're the first woman

who hasn't made me feel lonely

Since Mary-Alice died.

You're the first man who's argued with me

since Hayden.

What are you smiling about?

Nothing.

I was just wondering if...

They might be up in heaven

Having dinner together tonight.

Well if they are, I hope they're having as good a time

as you and me.

Do you think they wish us well?

Sure.

Heck, they love us, don't they?

What do you say?

I say...

You're going to have a hard time

slipping that bird on my finger.

WOMAN: Julia!

You look awful. What happened to you?

I look awful because I feel awful,

and I feel awful because last night

Reese Watson and I drank

all the champagne in Georgia.

Then we got married.

You got what?

Married.

You know, husband and wife,

Bride and groom,

Ball and chain.

Julia.

I don't believe it.

He did give you a ring.

No, actually, he gave me the bird.

But we got married, anyway.

Well, gee.

This is such a surprise.

We would have liked to have given you a shower.

Thank you. I just had a shower.

Well then, let me give you a party at the club.

Are you out of your mind?

I'm not staying married.

Why ever not?

Because, Suzanne, unlike you,

I don't do these things

every time the light turns green.

Anyway, if it weren't for you,

I wouldn't be in this mess in the first place.

Me? What did I do?

You practically dared me.

You said I couldn't have Reese

even if I wanted him.

You know I can't pass up a remark like that.

At least you'll get some money out of it.

What are you talking about?

Alimony. Reese owes you.

After all, you gave him the finest hours of your life.

I don't want alimony.

I want out!

We were intoxicated.

I am a widow. He's a widower.

We're still in mourning.

Julia, how is Reese going to feel

about getting unmarried?

He will be devastated.

He was so happy last night.

Now the next time he walks through that door,

I'm gonna have to take his heart

and shatter it into a million pieces.

[CHUCKLES]

Good morning, ladies.

How's my bride?

I trust you all have heard the news

of our recent nuptials.

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Should we celebrate with some... Sanka?

I'll have some. Black.

Well, darling, we really tied one on, didn't we?

Yes, I guess you could say tha-at.

Boy, when I woke up this morning,

I couldn't believe what we'd gone and done.

Would that someone had tried to put us asunder.

But don't worry, darling.

I'm tying up all the loose ends.

Just sign here on the dotted line.

What dotted line? What is that?

Annulment papers.

Annulment papers?

Now, darling, you know how I feel about you,

but we shouldn't have to suffer

the rest of our lives

For one careless, stupid, drunken blunder.

Why, you old sweet-talker, you.

Julia, don't get on me here.

You know exactly what I'm trying to say.

I understand.

He's saying he likes you.

He just doesn't want to be married to you.

Yes, I got that.

There's nothing wrong with my hearing,

Just my judgment in men.

Careful, darling.

And I want to thank you for your kindness and sensitivity

in exposing this obviously private moment

to family and friends.

I shall be happy to sign your annulment papers,

Reese Watson.

I hereby annul you and this entire relationship.

Now you may take your annulment,

fold it in five corners,

and put it where the sun don't shine.

Julia, I wish you'd try some of this.

You haven't eaten anything in two days.

I'm not hungry.

We brought you some magazines.

Cosmopolitan.

Great.

It always cheers me

to see a woman with nothing on

but suspenders from the waist up.

Here. You can shred those

for the bottom of his cage.

What'd you name him anyway?

Nothing.

Julia, that's terrible. Everything should have a name.

Charlene, I'm not in the mood.

If he applies for a passport or driver's license,

I'll take care of it, okay?

Well, I know, but you can't let him go through life

without any identity at all, that's just not right.

I had a cat once, and...

All right, all right. You can call him Tweety.

Tweety it is.

Well, if you ask me,

I think you should call up Reese,

Forget the humiliation

of only being married for 15 minutes,

and get on with the rest of your life.

Julie, you said yourself

that you didn't want to be married.

I said it and I meant it.

Reese doesn't have to marry me,

but he sure as hell ought to want to be married to me.

Well, now, Julia, that's selfish and small-minded.

That's who I am.

You are not those things.

Yes, I am!

I have to have my way!

It's a chromosomal defect

among the women in our family.

It is not.

It is, too.

You're like that, mother's like that.

All the Sugarbaker women are like that.

Look, the truth of this whole thing is

if we hadn't been there the other morning,

you would have signed those papers in a minute

and not give it another thought.

You're just embarrassed.

And that's silly 'cause we're your friends.

That's right. You can't just lie up here forever.

Why not?

Because your muscles will sag.

You'll get poor circulation

and facial hair.

You know, that reminds me.

I want you all to promise me if I'm ever paralyzed

or lying in a hospital bed

unable to move my arms,

that you'll be there with tweezers.

If you'll do the same for me.

I don't have facial hair.

I hate to break up a panel discussion

on a topic of this importance,

but it is time for my soap opera.

And I want to see if Frank and Kim

are going to get the loan on their discotheque.

All right. We can take a hint.

You sure you don't want anything to eat?

I'm sure.

Okay.

Well, if you change your mind, you just call.

All right.

Oh, I just hate it that Julia's so depressed.

I've never seen her like this.

I mean, she's usually so on top of it,

so, in command.

This must be what it's like at Crossler

when Lia Coco has the flu.

Julia, there's a telegram here for you.

We haven't opened it, but we can just smell it's from Reese.

Now I've been up those stairs for the last time.

If you want it, come and get it.

Is that true? Did she get a telegram?

In a manner of speaking.

If there's one thing Julia can't resist,

it's a man admitting he was wrong.

Hmm, well she seems to be resisting pretty well so far.

Reese, what are you doing here?

I'm here for the wedding.

W-w-w-what wedding?

Julia's and mine.

This is Reverend Gilbert.

He'll be doing the honors today.

Are you serious?

You--you're actually gonna get married again?

Right here in the middle of the store?

We certainly are.

Unless you think it might impede the flow of business.

I know you. You look so familiar.

Have you ever been to Wimbledon?

No.

Where is she anyway?

I'm right here.

And I'd like to know

just what in the Sam hill you think you're doing.

Come down these stairs. I want to talk to you.

Don't order me around.

Julia, either you come down these stairs,

or I'll come up and get you.

This is good.

All right. I'm coming,

But only to get something I left in my desk.

What do you need?

A rubber band.

One of the little seats

fell off Tweety's Ferris wheel.

[PLAYING WEDDING MARCH]

If you care anything at all

about your instrument,

you will stop.

[MUSIC STOPS]

I know.

Have you ever been on Evelyn Jarbo's party barge?

No. I don't think so.

I recognize the name.

Tall, lots of make-up, always has her dog with her.

What are you doing here?

I got your telegram.

My telegram?

Yes, your telegram.

And I decided if you can be that big

about the way I've behaved,

Well, I can be bigger.

What telegram? I didn't send a telegram.

Suzanne just told me you sent me one.

And let me be the first

to congratulate both of you.

Suzanne!

Oh, all right.

I admit I did it

just to get you back together again.

I mean I had no idea he was gonna show up with a minister.

You people are so extreme.

Look,

it doesn't matter who sent what to whom.

This time, I want this thing to be done right,

and with dignity.

Put this deal on your head.

And this time, try to be quiet.

Reese, this is a very sweet gesture, but...

This is no gesture.

This is a bona-fide wedding,

this is what you wanted

and I don't want to hear any more about it.

Reverend, now could we please just try

to muster up a little dignity here?

Have you been drinking again?

That is not a dignified question.

Dearly beloved...

Stop.

I can't marry you.

Are you turning me down?

Well, I have to. I'm just not ready yet,

but I adore your doing this.

You're sure this is what you want?

I'm sure I've never loved you more.

I've been acting like an idiot,

and all the time I've known

that you're the only man for me,

married or annulled.

Come here.

This is so romantic.

It's just like Rhett and Scarlett.

Ladies, you're my witnesses.

Let the record show she turned me down.

That's right. We saw it in person.

And I'm a notary public.

All right. I've got an official rejection here,

and Charlene's going to notarize it.

Reverend, you and I just got the shaft.

Sorry about that.

No problem. These things happen all the time.

You'll know when it's right.

Maybe next time, you can get the complete outfit.

Thank you, Reverend.

And now, if my almost bride would allow me,

I would like to take you to lunch.

I would love to,

just let me slip into something.

Okay I'll get rid of these fellas.

Oh. Oh, and, Reese, one more thing.

In the future,

when you hire a minister to fool me,

don't use the parking attendant

at the country club.

I knew you wouldn't go through with it.

Next time, don't press your luck.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]