Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

[RINGING]

Sugarbaker's.

Oh, I'm sorry. Our designer's not in right now.

[VOICE SHAKING] Could I be of any help?

Well, I know I don't sound like it, but try me.

[SNIFFLES]

No, we're to the trade only.

Are you working with a decorator?

Why don't you give me your name and number

and we'll get back to you? [SOBS]

Right. Thank you for calling.

[SOBS]

You can't spend your life crying

just 'cause Mason's moving.

Well, I just don't understand why he had to tell me this

right at Thanksgiving.

Well, call him up and have him pay for a ticket to fly you to Tokyo.

Oh, Suzanne, I couldn't accept a plane ticket

just 'cause he feels guilty about moving away.

I wouldn't have any integrity.

You know, sometimes I think about stuff like that.

Then I just try and put it right out of my mind.

Suzanne,

I don't want to hurt your feelings,

but I just don't think the day before Thanksgiving

is the time to figure out how to cook.

Especially with your mother bringing a friend

and Mary Jo inviting J.D.

I mean, these people are going to be expecting...

...food.

Are you wearing shoes that tie?

No, why?

Well, it says here I'm supposed to lace this thing up.

Hey, ladies, how's it going?

Where's Julia and Mary Jo?

With a client. Anthony, where have you been?

I've been trying to page you in the truck.

We got all sorts of people screaming to have stuff delivered by Thanksgiving.

Didn't your beeper go off?

Well, yes, as a matter of fact, it did, Charlene.

I was at a stoplight

parked next to a guy in a Mercedes convertible

talking on a car phone,

so I asked him if I could borrow it.

He said if it was all right with me,

he would rather that I didn't.

[SCOFFS] Can you believe those guys?

I mean, who do they think they fooling?

They're not talking about nothing on those phones.

They're saying stuff like,

"Yeah, Phil, would you go into my office immediately

and staple everything on my desk together?"

I just want to know

If you delivered those drapes to Tommy Thompson.

Of course I did.

Do I look like somebody who is not responsible?

Well, he called and you weren't there.

I don't want to hear this.

I mean, I don't like going out to the dude's house.

I am trying to hang the drapes.

And he keeps coming in every five minutes with his friend.

"Look at him, Richard.

Doesn't he have the strongest shoulders you've ever seen?"

And then, when I'm leaving,

he starts following me, saying,

"Anthony, are you sure you can't stay for a cocktail?"

[SCOFFS] Don't cocktail me.

This is not my first time in dodge.

Well, I just hope you didn't insult him.

Hey, I was nice to the man.

I just don't like the way he talks about Julia.

He's always saying stuff like,

"She doesn't know anything

about the decorating business.

She just thinks she knows."

Oh, he's just jealous.

He and his partner tried and started their own design house.

Yeah, if we don't know anything, how come he's such a good customer?

I don't know.

But if he don't watch his mouth,

he's gonna be a gone customer.

Anthony!

Hey, why are you so cranky?

Her boyfriend's moving away.

You mean the big dude who weighs 300 pounds?

That's him. He's moving to Tokyo.

Has Tokyo been notified?

All right. I'm gone.

Got to take a sofa back over there.

You know, the place is looking real nice.

I really want to thank you all for inviting me tomorrow.

Well, you said you didn't have anyplace else to go.

Well, yeah, I could have gone over to my parole officer's house,

but that's kind of grim, you know?

He always makes me feel like,

"Use the wrong fork, go to prison."

Look, Mary Jo, all that I'm saying is

I'm not paying one red cent on that ticket!

And if I have to, I will take it

all the way to the Supreme Court!

What happened?

We're on our way to the bank to make that deposit, right?

But the car breaks down.

So while they're working on it,

Julia decides that we should walk to the bank

and make our drive-through deposit on foot

because the inside of the bank doesn't open until 10:00.

Sounds reasonable to me.

Thank you, Charlene.

Anybody care for a homemade roll?

JULIA: No!

So, there we are standing

in the drive-through line.

When we pull up, so to speak,

to the glass window,

the guy refuses to accept our deposit

because we're not inside a vehicle.

That's ridiculous.

So Julia commandeers the back seat

of the woman's car behind us

and starts yelling for this woman to drive us through the drive-through!

And then the bank manager

makes Julia get out of the woman's car,

and then the police come.

Need I say more?

Well, Julia, if you're not going to pay the ticket,

what's your defense going to be?

My defense is that

when I attempted to use that drive-through window,

I was, indeed, inside a vehicle.

The vessel in which I have chosen to go through life,

my body.

Oh, Julia, don't be ridiculous.

No judge is going to believe that.

If you'd gotten to choose,

you would have selected a much newer model.

Suzanne, you know, I am not in a good mood,

so if you would like to pursue this line of thought,

I will be perfectly happy to get my late husband's elephant gun

and blow you and your homemade buns on out of here.

Okay.

What now?

Nothing. You just had a little flour

on your license plate.

Everything looks so pretty.

Since Ted has the kids,

I just don't think I could have stood

sitting at home alone.

It's the first Thanksgiving

I've ever spent without him.

Oh, I miss Mason and my family, too.

Of course, at our house, it was kind of a zoo

with 11 kids at Thanksgiving.

What was it like having a hillbilly Thanks Giving?

Did you have turkey?

No. Possum.

Daddy killed it, Mama stuffed it,

then at the table we'd all have a big food fight.

Then afterwards we'd widdle sticks

and sit on the front porch pickin' our tea.

Okay, okay, I was just asking.

Well, you're always just asking.

I mean I curse the day I ever told you we had an out-house.

Suzanne, is there anything I can do to help you?

Well, yeah. You could butter those rolls for me.

They are a little bit hard. You'll have to use your electric carving knife.

Hello! Anybody home?

Mother, what are you doing here?

We were going to come pick you up.

Suzanne, as slow as you are,

we could go on life support

before you ever got there.

Bernice, this is my daughter Suzanne.

Oh, yes. How do you do?

Mother, you little stinker,

you're an hour ahead of schedule.

Oh, that's all right. Here.

Now I picked up your paper.

Oh, Bernice and I can take care of ourselves,

just put a couple of daiquiris in the blender.

I'm sure I know you from somewhere.

I don't think so.

Oh, yes, I do.

You're from America, aren't you?

Well, yes, I guess I am.

A little arterial flow problem above the neck.

Mother.

It's okay. Bernice knows.

We don't pretend, do we, love?

Oh, hello, darling.

[CHUCKLES]

How are you, Perky?

Oh!

Bernice, this is Mary Jo Shively.

She's a decorator, and isn't she cute?

Oh, my, yes.

We are just so honored that you could join us today.

Isn't she cute?

Oh, my, yes.

Hi, Perky.

Oh, darling.

Here. Let me give you a big hug.

I didn't even see you over there.

I was just waiting my turn.

Hello, Mrs. Clifton. I'm Charlene Frazier.

Uh-huh. Very fine.

JULIA: Well, I think, uh,

the only people we're waiting on now

are Anthony and Mary Jo's friend J.D.

Anthony?

Well, isn't that the black fella

who installed my carpeting?

Yes, it is.

Oh, well, that's fine. I like him.

He had a way about him.

I don't believe this.

What are you talking about, Julia?

Tommy Thompson.

Don't tell me,

all these years we thought he was gay. Now he's getting married?

Not married.

Buried.

What?

"He was found dead in his home

about 4:30 yesterday afternoon.

Authorities refuse to comment

on the exact cause of death,

but the coroner's initial report

is expected to reveal foul play."

Well, that's just incredible.

Y'all don't think that...

What?

Anthony.

Our Anthony?

Well, he was over there twice yesterday.

Yeah, and he was mad at Tommy for insulting you.

But Tommy always insulted me.

We insulted each other.

I mean, I never liked him very much,

but it was always just a joke.

Well, Anthony wasn't laughing.

He told Tommy if he didn't watch his mouth,

he'd be one gone customer.

You don't think...

Well, he has been in prison.

And you know how he's always telling us

he'll kill people for us.

Remember that time I was mad at Mason?

Yeah. He said he'd charge you by the pound.

Well, I just don't believe this.

I've gone to so much trouble

to make everything so perfect,

and now we're having a murderer for Thanksgiving dinner.

All right.

The important thing is to not jump to any conclusions here.

I mean, we don't have any proof that Anthony's done anything.

That's right. I mean,

being in prison isn't a crime.

Is it?

I just know he did it. He looks guilty.

Oh, Suzanne, everybody looks guilty to you.

It's all my fault.

I never should have talked Julia

Into giving him a job in the first place.

Well, Charlene, I hate to say I told you so,

but I was never comfortable hiring someone

who listed his hobby as trying random codes

at automated teller machines.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[GASPS] I just heard his car door slam.

What are we gonna do?

We're not going to do anything. We'll pretend nothing is wrong.

And then, when he goes home, we'll decide.

All right. Well, act normal. Act normal.

Ladies.

Hi! Hi!

I'm sorry I'm late.

Oh, it's all right.

You're not late.

Yeah, in fact, you've still got time to kill.

Have you still got more errands to run?

No. I've run all my errands.

And that man at the liquor store was completely uncouth.

To me, it is just so off-putting

when someone accuses you of trying to pass a five as a 50.

How are you, Mrs. Sugarbaker?

How are you, Anthony?

This is my friend Bernice Clifton.

How do you do?

Well, I'm alive.

I just want to say

that it is indeed a pleasure

spending Thanksgiving with all you lovely ladies.

In fact, I feel as if I have died

and gone to white man's heaven.

I'm sorry. It's just that I get so carried away

when on holiday.

Please, allow me to fill your glasses

from the private reserve of Anthony Bouvier.

Yes, indeed, this is going to be a Thanksgiving to remember.

Anyone care for a homemade roll?

No, thank you. No, thank you.

Well, all I can say is this is a fine meal.

This maroon dish here is especially tasty.

Suzanne, what is it?

Canned beets.

ANTHONY: Is that so?

Well, I never would have guessed it.

They're very flavorful.

Well, I just can't understand

what's happened to J.D.

If he doesn't show up, I'll take care of him.

Oh, no. That's okay, really.

I'm not mad at him.

He's probably been in a car wreck.

I don't understand why that turkey's so tough.

Well, are you okay now, Mrs. Clifton?

I think so.

Well, let's just be thankful

that Anthony here remembered the Heimlich maneuver.

Oh. My pleasure.

I had to use it a lot

during my unfortunate incarceration.

If you don't mind my asking, Anthony, what were you in for?

I really don't want to talk about that.

I understand.

Anyway, you see this ring?

When I was in prison,

two different guys tried to steal it by swallowing it,

but they didn't figure on old Anthony

knowing how to make it come back up. [CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT] I'm sorry.

That was a horribly vulgar story,

and I could slap my mouth for telling it.

Well, anyway, enough about me.

What about you lovely ladies?

Well, actually, Anthony,

we are thinking of moving to Montana.

Montana? Why in heaven's name would you want to do that?

Well, we want to see the wide-open spaces

and ride the range.

Maybe at the end of a long day,

have a cigarette by the campfire.

Get serious, Mother.

Camping out for you is staying in a hotel

where they don't put a mint on your pillow at night.

Bernice and I are sick and tired of playing bingo every night.

That's right. They hired this recreation director

and that's all he ever does.

I-47,

G-29,

N-60,

O-62,

I-19...

Bernice!

They get the picture.

This is you in 30 years.

And we're especially tired

of that music they play all day long.

What does it mean?

Someone left the cake out in the rain.

[ANTHONY LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES] That's so good, but I like that.

I'm glad.

Please don't kill me.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I'll get it. It's probably J.D.

Oh, Perky, I just remembered.

Tonight is Thursday.

I don't want to miss Bing Cosby.

Excuse me, Mrs. Clifton,

but I think you mean Bill Cosby.

Is he black?

Yes, he is,

and Bing Crosby is white and dead.

Isn't that amazing?

And he does so well in the ratings.

I like to watch the Cos

because he's a wonderful role model for blacks.

My goal is to finish high school,

get my degree in medicine,

and completely stop using the word "be"

as a verb.

That was J.D.

He was sorry he couldn't make it,

but he's having a little problem with his ex-wife.

What's the trouble?

She doesn't want to be his ex-wife.

You want Ol' Anthony to have a little talk with them?

Let me give your address.

Mary Jo!

I don't know what's come over me?

Oh, Suzanne, the dinner was so filling.

Why don't we just skip the pie?

It's okay, you don't have to make any more excuses

for not eating.

My pie burned up.

Okay, everybody. Make a wish.

Well, this is some Thanksgiving.

And I can't believe you all are sitting around

drinking coffee and drying dishes

while a murderer lies asleep on our sofa.

Let's just be thankful for the private reserve

of Anthony Bouvier.

Anyway, Suzanne, we don't know that he's a murderer.

Well, when are we going to find out?

Well, I'm certainly not gonna ask him.

I say we call the police.

And I think it is just terrible

what you all are considering.

Now, I do not believe that that young man killed anybody,

and even if he did,

he was defending your honor.

Mother, where are your principles?

Oh, Julia, sometimes your principles

are too high falutin'.

Her father and I could never keep any servants.

She was always liberating them.

Suzanne, on the other hand,

used them to run her lemonade stands.

Yeah, well, it's a good thing.

I wasn't any better at making lemonade

than I am at cooking.

Oh, my darling,

you should have come to me for advice.

I could have told you

that cooking is not for you.

You were born for bigger things.

Like what?

Like when I used to take you to the park

when you were about two years old.

Everybody used to come up and say,

"Oh, my, what a beautiful little girl.

Whatever will she be?"

I used to stand up very tall and say,

"Why, the center of attention, of course."

You always used to say to me,

"Julia, being yourself is way overrated.

Be whoever you darn well want to be."

I used to like that one.

Then how come you quit talking to me?

Well, I do talk to you.

I call you all the time.

Yes, but now you ask me dumb things,

like what did I have for lunch,

and did I take my medicine?

And it all started

when I moved into that blasted retirement home,

and both of you started treating me

like an old person.

Is that why you're talking about moving to Montana,

because you're mad at us?

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Julia, I'm not moving to Montana.

Well, we never know with you, Mother.

Oh, I just like getting you two stirred up.

That center of attention thing,

you know that's hereditary.

Have we been ignoring you that much?

Yes, you have,

and I have spent a good deal of time

thinking about the best way to punish you.

Julia, a police car just pulled up out front.

They're here for Anthony.

Everybody just stay calm.

It is not our place to pass judgment

on Anthony's innocence or guilt. [DOORBELL RINGS]

We just answer the questions yes or no,

and remember, this is a black man

with a prison record.

His life is in our hands.

He's on the sofa.

Julia!

Well, I'm sorry. We cannot harbor a fugitive forever.

However, I do want to go on record to say that I don't think he did it.

Did what?

Whatever you think he did. He didn't.

And even if he did, he did it for us.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I can explain.

I'm not sure, but I think this man

has been holding us hostage.

Bernice! That's not true.

Oh.

Okay.

I don't know why,

but I've always hated waking up

with white people pointing at me

and a police officer standing beside them.

You wanna tell me what this is all about?

The Thompson murder.

Isn't Anthony a suspect?

Lady, I don't even know who Anthony is.

Oh! Where are my manners? I'm sorry.

Officer, this is Anthony Bouvier.

That's all right.

We'll meet some other time.

You're talking about the Tommy Thompson case.

Oh! His business partner

made a full confession this morning.

Then why are you here?

Oh, to, uh, return this earring.

My partner said that one of you lost it

in a squad car yesterday during an altercation

at a bank.

Oh, Anthony, we just feel terrible.

I wish you'd take some more of that turkey for your dog.

Hey, man. I don't want any more of that turkey. I like my dog.

Anthony, we are so sorry.

We promise we'll make it up to you.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Ladies...

[CHUCKLES] What can I say?

It's been a fine afternoon.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanks again for turning me in for murder.

Happy Thanksgiving, Anthony.

Happy Thanksgiving. Bye.

Well, Mother, you were right about Anthony.

You're always right about everything.

Yeah, even about me not cooking.

Oh, darling, I'm not saying don't cook.

I'm just saying stick to the maroon dishes.

We love you, Mother.

We're going to do better by you.

Family and friends are everything,

aren't they, Perky?

Oh, Bernice, you can say that again.

Family and friends are everything,

aren't they, Perky?

Yes, they are, love.

Isn't it a funny thing?

We spend most of our lives worrying about things

that don't amount to a hill of beans,

and then we spend the last five years

worrying about the same things

as when we were babies.

Trying to get people to pay attention to us,

wanting grownup food,

hoping for better toys,

and waiting for our mother and father to come get us.

So we can all be together again.

That's beautiful.

Just remember.

Inside we're all young.

That's right.

Every old person, you see, is somebody's baby.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Well, happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving to you, too, girls.

You've been so sweet to me,

I'd like to give you a little piece of advice

that has held me in good stead through the years.

We'd love to hear that. What is it?

Always remember

when the sun has gone behind the clouds,

when everything has lost its silver lining,

when things look their absolute darkest...

...cover your head with your coat.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]