Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

You're going to have to go faster, Charlene.

Okay. Okay. Let me try it again.

Hi. This is Sugarbaker's.

We're just sick we missed your call.

And if you'd be wonderful enough to leave your name, number,

and any message your heart desires,

we'll get right back to you.

Wasn't that longer than 10 seconds?

Hmm?

Oh, I'm sorry. My mind just wandered.

I was trying to figure out how the Landers sisters got into your body.

Mary Jo! Come on, be serious. I'm just trying to sound friendly.

Oh, you do sound friendly.

You also sound easy.

Yes, Charlene, answering machines are to solicit business,

Not sex. We just want a simple message.

I'm just trying to give it a little oomph.

An oomph is completely different from sex.

Anyway, if you don't like it you try it.

Okay. I'll be happy to.

Okay, you have ten...

Hello. This is a machine. You know what to do.

...seconds.

Come on, Julia! That showed absolutely no creativity.

I think mine was much better. What do you think, Mary Jo?

Oh, I don't know. I think that I would hope

for a compromise somewhere between

Marilyn Monroe and Clint Eastwood.

Well, here. You try it.

Oh, no. Not me. No.

I always sound like a duck on those.

It's a traumatic experience for me just ordering food

for my kids at the Jack in the Box.

CHARLENE: Well, good morning, Suzanne.

What's good about it?

It's just another morning like yesterday morning

and the morning before that.

Take a bath, do your nails,

watch Wheel of Fortune,

eat candy.

I know what you mean.

It's a grind, isn't it?

It got so bad, this morning I decided to go

to my health club.

Do you know, Julia, you ought to join.

They got a special introductory offer,

and you get your own private trainer

and free sauna and massage for a year.

I don't think so. I hate saunas.

I especially hate getting naked

and sitting around looking at all that stuff

that grows on people.

Well, I'm glad to see you're your usual negative self today.

Now I don't feel bad that the meeting

with Madeleine Adams is off.

What do you mean the meeting is off?

Madeleine Adams is a very important client.

I know. I couldn't help myself.

I went to her birthday party last night,

and you know how Madeleine is.

She got all hot and bothered

just because all the men got hot and bothered over me.

You mean, Madeleine canceled us

'cause you hogged all the men at her party?

I swear on a Bible, someone pushed Ansel and me into that pool.

Who is Ansel?

Madeleine's husband.

The only reason we only stayed in

was because the water was so warm.

Suzanne!

How could you?

I didn't do anything except be myself.

I was bored.

You don't know how hard it is

to be on the social merry-go-round.

Look at this. It never ends.

"Dinner, lunch, lunch, dinner, lunch, lunch,"

"Brunch, lunch."

I'd like to do more for Sugarbaker's than just eat.

Well, I say,

if the bib fits...

For your information, Julia, I do not enjoy eating all that much.

I take all these lunches and brunches to bring in business.

Well, there's nothing wrong with enjoying eating, Suzanne.

I ate a pie last night.

You're kidding.

A whole pie?

Yeah.

What's wrong with that?

Everybody does it once in a while.

They just don't admit it.

That's why I'm fasting on that water.

I saw in Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

Lesley Ann Warren drinks six of those bottles every day

and she looks 12 years old.

You always do this, Charlene

You always tell some inconsequential story

just when I'm about to say something important.

It wasn't inconsequential. It was a health tip.

Anyway, what I'm upset about is...

Somebody said something at the party last night

that made me think, people might have the impression

I don't know anything about the decorating business

and that I'm just a bimbo front person for Sugarbakers.

What did they say?

They said I don't know anything about the decorating business.

I'm just a bimbo front person for Sugarbakers.

Who said it?

Madeleine Adams.

The truth is, I'm not taken seriously around here,

and I am an equal partner in Sugarbakers

I think that should count for something.

It does. Your name is on the door.

That is not enough.

And I am sick and tired of just being known

as the good-looking one around here.

I mean I want to be appreciated

for my abilities like all of you.

Suzanne, I don't know why you can't be happy with what you do.

I mean, I'm not a decorator, but I take pride in being the office manager.

There. That's exactly my point.

Even you , Charlene, have a highfalutin title.

I'm the only one around here who doesn't have a position.

How about first clarinet?

It's just a little joke.

Suzanne, I don't mean to seem unkind,

but being a decorator is just plain, old-fashioned hard work.

And so far, the hardest work you've ever known

is trying to blow-dry your hair exactly the way your hairdresser does it.

Now, that is not true.

Anyway,

I know I don't have any professional training,

but everybody has to start somewhere.

And I'm willing to begin on a trial basis.

What does that mean? It means I try it.

If I don't like it, I don't do it anymore.

What do you mean, "Even Charlene has a title?"

Anthony, where have you been?

I promised Wilma Hobbs that you'd be out there

with that chaise lounge this morning and it isn't here.

If you're going to make deliveries for Sugarbaker's,

you just can't come waltzing in here at 10:30!

Can you?

Mary Jo...

...it is Thursday.

Anthony meets with his parole officer.

Oh!

Oh, I forgot. I'm so sorry.

Yes. Well, I'm sure you would have no way of knowing

what a traumatic experience that is for me.

I mean, it is upsetting enough to be reminded

of my unfortunate incarceration,

but then to have to come in here and endure

a personal attack on my punctuality...

I'm so sorry.

I--I wasn't thinking.

Yeah.

Well, I'm tired of going to my parole officer's

all the time, anyway.

I mean, he always asks me,

"Oh. How are you doing on your new job, Anthony?"

And I say to him, "Well, Mr. Farber, I'm hanging drapes."

"I'm working with chintz and valances"

"and Austrian puffs."

And the dude just looks at me

like he does not know what I'm talking about.

I mean, the man is just so uncouth.

Excuse me, but I don't have all morning to sit around here

listening to ex-convict stories.

Are you all going to let me be a decorator or not?

Oh, all right.

Suzanne, you have money invested here.

I don't know how we can stop you.

If this is really what you want, just jump right in.

In fact, take the next job that comes through that door.

Do you mean it? Absolutely.

Julia! Julia!

Don't worry.

She'll lose interest.

We're talking about a person

who never finished anything in her life.

Even when she was little,

her coloring books only had the hair filled in.

You just wait.

You're going to have to eat those words, Julia.

Hey, you're going to be a decorator?

That's right.

She might be good.

I know it's none of my business,

but it's been my experience

that you can never tell about people.

I mean, whether they're going to do good or do bad.

I mean, I had three of the sorriest cell mates you have ever seen.

And do you know, all three of those dudes

were named after a president.

You never know, do you?

That's right. I'll be taking that out to Miss Hobbs right now.

Thank you so much, Anthony.

You know, just remember, the next person through that door is mine.

Well,

there they are, the eight finest breasts in Georgia.

Oh, it's only Boyd.

Now, is that any way to talk to a raving heterosexual?

We weren't expecting other decorators.

Especially one that's the bearer

of such a tasty bit of news.

What news? Oh, just that Sugarbaker's been selected

along with seven other design firms

to decorate a room in Design House '86.

Design House?

We've been chosen? Are you serious?

Well, kiss me and find out.

I'll take your word.

This is just wonderful!

We never expected to get to Design House this soon!

I don't believe it!

Boyd, are you sure you're not just playing

some cruel interior-designer joke?

Mary Jo, I promise.

I would never joke about anything like this.

Well, maybe I would, but I'm not.

So, congratulations. Here is the key.

I'll just be taking that, thank you very much.

Julia said the next job was my job.

Your job?

Speaking of cruel interior-designer jokes...

SUZANNE: Can you believe it?

Design house '86, my very first job as a decorator.

You'll be doing the master bedroom.

Well, at least it's her field of expertise.

Suzanne, we have to talk.

Oh, no, Julia, you said the next job was my job.

Now, don't be an Indian giver.

Why don't we try to discuss this like mature adults?

No. Design House is all mine and I got it fair and square.

Jack, jack, no trade back.

Now, what did you want to say?

Just that you make me sick.

Julia, let's not be petty.

After all, it was your idea.

Congratulations, Suzanne.

Yeah, ditto.

Well, I've got to run.

I've all those other firms to notify.

Only wanted to stop by here first

because y'all truly are the...

ALL: Eight finest breasts in Georgia.

Well, at least in the design business.

Say, Boyd. What?

Get out. Right.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Every firm is responsible

for babysitting Design House,

and I'm not sure, but I believe you guys have every Monday.

Any problem with that?

You mean actually sleep there?

Yeah.

You know, just keep an eye on everything.

It's no problem. I can handle it.

Yeah.

[CHUCKLING]

Well, I'll leave you all to your champagne.

Forget champagne.

This calls for whiskey.

ON TV: Turn right, hold your head all the way back.

Open your mouth.

Relax your chin.

Now say. "Ah. Oh."

Good morning.

Ah. Oh.

Close enough.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm watching that woman who wrote that book on nonsurgical face-lifts.

Charlene, where's Anthony?

Oh, he went over to the Design House with that new ottoman.

Oh, shoot. We wanted to throw those pillows on the back of the truck, too.

Well, I called Suzanne, but there wasn't an answer.

Oh, yeah. That's right. Yesterday was Monday.

Well, she's probably exhausted, you know.

Up all night patrolling the grounds.

You know, I never thought I'd see the day

when she would take on this kind of responsibility.

I know. You know something else?

It was pretty darn nice of her to let us

help with the decorating. She didn't have to do that, you know.

Maybe we've been too hard on her.

Maybe, but it's not a happy thought.

Come here. Look. There's so much you ought to see

these facial exercises.

Do you think there's any way these could work?

No. MARY JO: Mm-mmm.

When the time comes, I'm going to have something done.

No way am I going to end up sitting in a restaurant

with my neck hanging in my soup.

You know, I've often wondered

why we can't continuously show ourselves

in the most flattering light,

You know, the way we light a room.

How would you do that?

Well, you'd have to wear a harness

With a big spotlight in the back and candles in the front.

[BEEPING ON TV] You've given this a lot of thought, haven't you?

[SHUSHING]

Be quiet. Listen.

This is Peter Dunlap, live from the site

of this morning's devastating fire

that destroyed Design House '86.

Suzanne.

According to chief inspector Bob Badoff,

there were no injuries or fatalities.

And investigators are now on the scene

trying to determine the cause of the blaze.

Oh!

I just can't believe it.

Our very first chance at decorating at Design House,

and we burn it to the ground.

We're never going to work again.

You know what they're going to say about us?

They're going to say that we're dangerous.

Julia, do you think that was actually a man under that blanket with her?

Of course, it was a man.

It had on a man's suit and pants.

It walked like a man, it looked like a man.

Anyway, Suzanne doesn't know any women but us.

I can't believe it,

the whole building gone,

a smoking pile of rubble.

What do you think they were doing in there?

I don't know, but obviously,

it was a little more than rubbing two sticks together.

Well, it's a miracle Suzanne wasn't hurt.

Don't you worry. I will rectify that.

Now, Julia, wait a minute, we don't have all the facts.

You don't know for sure that it was her fault.

It has been my experience that wherever disaster strikes,

Suzanne cannot be far behind.

She has always been the kind of person

who wrecks cars, burns holes in the carpeting,

writes phone messages on furniture.

If she had been on the Hindenburg,

she would've been smoking cigarettes.

Anthony, thank goodness you're here.

We have something to tell you.

Design House is gone.

We know. We heard it on the news.

Did they let you actually drive right up to it?

I don't think you all understand.

There is no it anymore.

The sucker is gone.

G-O-N-E '86, over and out.

Here's your ottoman back.

Did you talk to the police?

No. I don't much like hanging around

where stuff has just disappeared.

Did you see Suzanne?

Uh-uh. I was moving too fast.

I'll just be taking this back to the storeroom.

Can you imagine how horribly humiliating

to be caught on TV without lip gloss?

You know, Julia,

I bet, in her own way,

Suzanne feels even worse than we do.

No, she doesn't.

She'll have some cock-and-bull explanation

for the whole thing And then she'll fly off to Barbados.

And in a few weeks, we'll get one of those,

"Hope you're not still mad at me" card

with a happy face stuck on the front!

Now, Julia, I know Suzanne can be thoughtless,

but I just don't believe that.

Then you should talk to Teddy Machenson.

Who is Teddy Machenson?

A friend of mother's.

Suzanne backed over his dog at a party

and sent him an autographed picture of herself the next day.

Julia, you're making that up.

Trust me when I tell you that this is how she operates.

I mean, she has been my sister for 30 years.

Twenty-nine!

Oh, I know what you're thinking and I don't blame you.

Believe me, there isn't a name you could call me

I haven't already called myself.

How about dog face? Julia.

All right, I'll hold off until I ask this one question.

Are you all right?

I think so. I'm glad...

...dog face.

Go ahead. Abuse me. Punish me.

I don't care.

Suzanne, what happened?

I don't want to talk about it.

I'll just be cleaning out my desk.

You don't have a desk.

Good! I didn't deserve one.

All I want now is just to fade away

and become completely incognito.

Then, you'll have to get rid of the bedspread.

I can't believe you were on the news.

Did you know what they were filming you for?

No. I thought those guys with the cameras

were Japanese tourists.

You don't talk like yourself anymore.

Being in a fire has made you clever.

Oh, now, don't try cheering me up with compliments.

I know who I am. I know what I did.

And now, I deserve to die.

How'd my hair look?

Oh, not that bad.

I mean, it was a little messed up in the back.

Your profile looked great.

I don't believe this!

Suzanne, you have just single-handedly

destroyed Design House,

not to mention Sugarbaker's reputation!

And I think we deserve a little explanation.

Well, there's not much to tell, actually, it's all my fault.

See, I was trying to light a fire in the fireplace.

But I didn't think it took. But it must have.

Because, I dozed off, and next thing I knew,

it was just like a house afire.

She was never especially good with similes.

Suzanne, who was that man with you under the blanket?

Clinton Summers.

But he had nothing to do with it.

I only called him because I was scared there all by myself.

He was asleep in the designer kitchen when it happened.

ALL: Mm.

Oh, I don't care if you believe me or not.

Anyway, you'll have my resignation

just as soon as I can borrow an electric typewriter.

Oh, don't be silly, Suzanne.

You're not going to quit.

Anyway, we need your money.

What do I care about money? I'll be in prison.

What do you mean, prison?

Did the police question you?

Of course, they questioned me!

They're going to prove negligence.

They'll arrest me and take me off to one of those institutions

where everything you wear is gray!

I don't look good in gray!

Oh, Suzanne, that's not going to happen.

You think I will look good in gray?

Suzanne could be right. I mean if they can prove negligence,

there's no telling what kind of trouble she could be in.

Well, not that you couldn't talk them into letting you

dye your uniform any color you want.

Hey. How's it going?

What you been up to?

Seen any good movies lately?

That's real funny, Anthony.

Wait. I have to talk to you.

I don't like the sound of that.

You've been in prison, right?

I especially don't like the sound of that.

Well, I was wondering, what would you think about saying

that you slept at Design House last night?

See, it wouldn't be quite so bad if you went to prison

because you've already been there before.

Nobody would think anything about it.

I could send you a little money every month

and then before you know it, you'd be out on good behavior.

I don't think so, but thank you for thinking of me.

What am I going to do?

What am I going to do? This isn't funny anymore.

I'm in serious trouble.

I don't know about you all but I can't bear to see her like this.

I mean, she's all...

...humble.

It's like watching Howard Cosell cry.

Oh, I can't stand it.

Suzanne,

if it'll make you feel any better,

I'll tell everybody I was there, too.

Well, what good would that do?

I don't know, but, it might confuse them.

I mean it could have just as easily happened to me.

Oh, Charlene, that is ridiculous.

You're the most efficient, well-organized,

responsible person on earth.

I know, Julia, but...

I mean I--I might have caused sparks, you know,

by walking across the carpeting real fast,

Or I might have had a stroke

and and fallen and hit my head on a pilot light.

Caught my hair on fire, Causing me to run from room to room.

Trying to put myself out.

Thank you, Charlene.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

I'll say I was there, too.

That will really confuse them.

I think you all are overestimating this confusion thing.

They're not going to be confused.

They'll just put all three of you in jail.

Oh,, Julia, when we started this business,

we said it was one for all and all for one.

Yeah, that's right.

And now, the chips are down.

This is a test

of our--our determination and strength,

Our unity.

Or maybe not.

I wasn't there, and I'm not going to say I was.

Oh, all right,

but I think it's absolutely idiotic.

Oh, you all are the best friends a girl ever had.

Isn't this sweet?

I feel like we're on the last episode

of The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

Room for one more?

Now, Boyd, if you came to point a finger,

you're going to have to use four.

That's right. We're all guilty.

United we stand. Divided we fall. Oh, get off of it.

Everybody in Georgia knows Suzanne was sitting in Design House last night.

Oh, yeah? Prove it!

All right, now, look, what we want to say

is that no matter who was actually on the premises last night,

it was Sugarbaker's responsibility, and we're taking it.

All four of us, not just one.

I just came by to tell you the cause of the fire was inadequate wiring.

It was nobody's fault. Are you sure?

I just met with the Deputy fire inspector.

Oh, that is just...

That's so wonderful. I mean, I can't tell you what a wreck I was.

I thought it might have been that swimming suit

that I put in the oven to dry out, you know.

Or it could have been when Clinton and I were on the sun porch,

roasting marshmallows With those little big cigarette lighters.

Suzanne, be quiet.

It's okay, they know about the marshmallows.

It was the wiring.

But the really good news is we were very heavily insured.

Well, that is wonderful news, Boyd.

I feel like we should all join hands and sing

a chorus of We are the World.

Suzanne, were you really toasting marshmallows

With a cigarette lighter?

Well, yeah. I told you that.

I couldn't get the fireplace to work. What's wrong with that?

Suzanne, if my children had done that,

why they'd be grounded for a week.

Yes. Well, don't worry. Suzanne will be grounded a lot longer than that.

Oh, you don't have to say anything, Julia.

I don't want to be a decorator anymore.

You don't? No. You all were right.

I'm not the sort of person who is cut out for one of those jobs

where you can't sleep till noon.

Anyway, I realize now that lunch is my forte,

it's what I do best.

Some of us were born to be out front.

some of us were born to be behind the scenes.

Why is it that all of a sudden

I feel like the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

I happened to be one of those out-front people.

So, now I'm going to go home, take a nice hot bubble bath.

Then-Then after Wheel of Fortune is over, I'm going to work on my date book.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't I take all of you out to lunch today?

Um, then we could talk about my new idea,

Design Armory.

It's not quite the same, but at least it's fireproof.

That sounds like fun.

Oh, now, hey. Wait a second here.

New deal is I stay off of your turf.

You stay off of mine.

Lunch is my job.

Okay, Boyd, how about 1 o'clock, Chez Nous?

Well, fine. I was just hoping

to have lunch with the eight... I know

what you were hoping, Boyd.

But you're just going to have to settle for the top two.

[♪♪♪]

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