Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Coffee's ready.

One thing I want to do is get all these old magazines out of here.

They're doing nothing but collecting dust.

Mary Jo, do you mind?

That clipboard's dusty, too.

We did say inventory. Wear grubbies.

Well, I'm not the grubbies type.

You'll never catch me wearing those tacky little designer jeans

with somebody's name across my behind.

You mean like the ones Julia has on?

Yes, well, I suppose they do give women of a certain age

an illusion of youth.

Personally, I don't need them.

Well, that's a pity, Suzanne,

because your jeans could say the designer's name,

the bylaws of the I.L.G.W.U.,

and several choruses

of Look For The Union Label.

I don't know what it is, but there's something about this that's, well, darn it,

just a lot of fun.

You can have it. If you think this is fun,

then I feel sorry for you.

Well, now, Suzanne, people have different ideas of what's fun.

That's right. In order to have a good time,

Mary Jo doesn't have to spend every weekend

being thrown off Brus Duncan's party barge

into the Chattahoochee River.

I didn't say that.

I just said if she thinks this is fun,

then maybe she needs to reassess her life.

Why? I think her life's just fine.

She has a rewarding job and two great kids.

Yeah, but what does she do for fun?

What do you mean?

See. She doesn't even recognize the concept.

Of course, she does. Mary Jo has lots of fun. Don't you, Mary Jo?

For instance, what did you do last night?

Last night? Well, let's see.

I made dinner for the kids, I did some new Math,

I traced all the President's heads...

Lincoln's is the biggest, if it ever comes up.

I rest my case.

Okay, so my life isn't exciting.

I don't have time for excitement.

Well, Mary Jo, I hate to agree with Suzanne,

but you haven't been out with anybody

since you and Ted split up.

Well, according to Newsweek, you'd be wasting your time

because anybody over 30

has very little chance of marrying anyway.

Hey, what are you talking about?

Let me see that.

Let me see it.

When did they come out with this?

About four months ago, see it's when they blew up Chernobyl

Well, that won't ring a bell with her

you have to relate it to something Suzanne finds news worthy

like Michael Jackson's head catching on fire.

This is just ridiculous,

I mean, do you believe this nonsense?

Suzanne, where you been? People magazine did the same story

with Donna Mills and some other old maids on the cover.

Don't you remember everybody being up in arms about it?

No, I must have been in Tijuana having those lamb injections.

You know, every time I see this graph,

it just makes me mad all over again.

Every age group has its own color.

Mine's pale blue.

I'm in the never-been-marrieds.

Nerve of them.

Well, at least you had a color.

As I recall, single women with children didn't even show up.

For a minute, I thought we had brown

then I realized Quinton had dripped Fudgesicle juice on it.

Well, I think this is all a lot of foolishness.

I am over 35,

and I can assure you, if I wanted to get married again,

I wouldn't let a little thing like a graph stand in my way.

According to this, your age group has a better chance

of being killed by a terrorist.

Yes, well, I think the fella who wrote that

has a pretty good chance of being killed by a feminist.

It's not the magazine's fault, Julia.

They're just stating the facts.

Well, the facts are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds are even older

than those actresses on the front of that magazine,

and you don't hear anybody running around calling them "over the hill old maids."

That's true, you know, men can get away with anything.

I mean, look at Reagan's neck, it sags down to here.

Everybody raves about how great he looks.

Imagine if Nancy had that neck?

They'd be putting her in a nursing home for turkeys.

If there's one thing I hate it's when you all get off

on one of your socially conscious tirades.

And Charlene, I'm surprised at you.

You usually stay off of your soapbox.

I don't know about that. I have my causes.

In case you've forgotten, I'm the one who picketed

when Cher didn't get nominated for Mask.

Never mind. I wasn't talking about that.

Well, I'm just glad I have Mason. I don't have to worry about all this stuff.

Now we just find somebody for Mary Jo.

Thank you very much, but I'm happy with my life

just like it is.

Well, I think it's time for a change.

Suzanne, who cares about what you think?

It's Mary Jo's life.

I know, but since I do know the most men,

I feel it's my responsibility to fix her up.

Let me relieve you of that responsibility.

I swear to you, Suzanne, I'm not interested.

My prime goal in life

is to find you a date, Mary Jo,

and I will leave no stone unturned.

Well, that should make it easy.

After all, that's where you find most of yours.

Good morning. Hi.

Anything interesting in the mail?

No. Just Ed McMahon saying

I may have already won a million dollars in one of those sweepstakes.

How exciting!

You'll probably want to call your family right away.

You know, these things always make me feel so guilty.

I always send back the envelope that says,

"No, but enter me in your sweepstakes anyway."

If I won, how could I face those people?

Oh, come one, that doesn't matter. I mean, it always says, "No purchase necessary."

I'm sure they have to. But you know they hate your guts

if you never order single one of their magazines.

I just have this silly, irrational fear that one night

Ed's going to turn to Johnny and say,

"Well, Charlene Frazier sent back the no envelope again."

"Boy, has that woman got gall."

Well, good morning, troops.

I just had the most wonderful brunch.

I went to Atlanta Stadium with Trammel Jennings.

You know, we're old friends.

There we were in his private enclosed box

with TV, champagne...

I didn't know they had games out there in the morning.

They don't.

He wants his seats reupholstered,

so I just went to have a look.

One thing led to another,

and the next thing I know, we're having quiche, so I...

That reminds me of this story.

These friends of my parents aren't very sophisticated Bless their hearts.

And one night they went to this real fancy restaurant and ordered quiche,

off the menu.

Only they called it a quickie!

Can you imagine?

Oh, you're joking.

I'm not. It was a hoot.

Charlene, you always do this.

I was building up to something.

Oh, well, I'm sorry.

Go ahead. Build away.

Anyway, as I was saying,

Trammel and I are sitting there talking at the stadium,

and right in the middle of him telling me

how I'm probably the most attractive woman who's ever sat in his box,

In walks J.D. Shackelford.

So?

Who's J.D. Shackelford?

Oh, you know! He's the head person

that goes around scouting talent for the Braves.

I know him from when my ex-husband Jack played second base.

So, anyway, J.D. and I start to talkin',

and I find out he's available,

and I immediately think of you.

Oh, no. What's the catch?

I mean, why aren't you going out with him yourself?

Because I don't want to go out with him.

I've known him too long.

Anyway, he's darling and funny and recently divorced,

and you'll just love him.

Recently divorced?

Oh, now I know I'm not going.

Now, what is the matter with that? You're recently divorced, too.

Yes, I know, but men are different when they've just gotten out of a marriage.

They've got something to prove.

They're macho and crazy and nuts,

and they all talk about their ex-wives,

and they've all got to have sex on the first date,

and frankly, I just don't think I'm not up to it.

Nope, nope, count me out.

Not now, maybe not ever!

But thank you anyway.

Mary Jo, for crying out loud,

you don't have to go to bed with this guy or marry him.

You're just going out on a date. Oh, come on.

There's no such thing as just dating anymore.

I read Cosmopolitan.

I know what's going on out there.

And as far as I'm concerned,

you two are just a couple of handmaidens

preparing me for human sacrifice.

What do you think?

Oh, that's too much eyeliner.

I look like son of Cleopatra.

Oh, keep that.

Here. Rub a little of this Vaseline on your front teeth.

It makes it easier to smile whether you feel like it or not.

Actually, Suzanne, when I don't feel like smiling,

I just don't smile.

Interesting concept.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh!

Shh, shh, shh! Just get the door.

Julia! What are you doing here?

You look lovely.

I'm just dropping off that shawl you wanted to borrow.

Oh, thank you. You didn't have to do that.

I thought I'd get back to the store before you left,

but that IRS auditor kept me waiting again.

Oh, how'd it go this time? Was he better than the first guy?

Worse. Now I'm demanding to see the supervisor.

What I can't understand is why they keep adding on to our bill.

It's quite simple. Julia insults them.

I do not.

You don't call "money-whoring, cash-sucking cretin" an insult?

Well, that was just to break the ice.

You know, sometimes you say something so outrageous

everyone has to laugh.

You wait. Next time, I'm going to kill them with kindness.

All right, ladies. I think we should be going.

There's enough people here already.

It's like high school everybody sitting around

and waiting to see what he looks like.

Charlene, I am not waiting to see anyone.

I am dropping off a shawl.

All right. Okay, let's go.

I was here to help out with introductions,

but if Mary Jo thinks she can handle it alone...

Have a wonderful time.

All right.

And you look wonderful, Mary Jo,

and just remember you're not nearly as frumpy

and mousy and ordinary as you might think.

Thank you.

Here is a quarter for the pay phone, Mary Jo.

Mother always used to give Suzanne and me a dime to call home

in case somebody got too fresh.

I don't think Suzanne ever used hers.

She eventually used the money to go to Europe.

That's funny, Julia.

I'll hang on to it.

Break a leg.

Get out of here!

So...

You're J.D. Shackelford.

Well, Mr. Shackelford,

you have certainly got yourself

a handful of woman tonight,

And we are going to rock 'n' roll and lose control,

because you are man and I am woman!

♪ W-O-M-A-N ♪

♪ I'll say it again ♪

And I'll say amen.

Well, you are parked on the no-parking side.

And the sweeper should be by any minute.

It's okay. I like to live close to the edge.

Okay, but I think they're going to notice a DeLorean.

You don't like my car, do you?

No, no, it's great.

I just kept getting my purse caught on the gullwing.

I sure do like the way it handles.

Boy, you know it clocks out

at 60 miles an hour in six seconds

and, to me, that is almost as good as having sex.

Ha ha! I know what you mean.

That was a great little dinner we had, wasn't it?

Except the Burgundy tasted like it hadn't quite breathed enough.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, I hate that when you feel like

the Burgundy can't get its breath.

J.D. Shackelford.

What is that J.D. stand for?

James Dean.

Named for a movie star, huh?

Uh, no, no, the pork sausage guy.

See, my--my mom likes his singing.

Uh, would you do me a favor?

Would you mind stepping out of your clothes

just for a few minutes?

I just want to, uh, put my hands right there,

and then there's just one other little thing I wanna try,

and then you can get right back into your clothes again.

I just want to get to know you better.

Me? Don't be ridiculous.

There's nothing else to know about me.

I want to know more about you.

Oh, well, okay, then I'll step out of my clothes.

Come here. Yeah, come here.

Listen, J.D.

I'm sure this happens to you all the time,

but I'm a little rusty.

In truth, I am completely corroded.

I am also the mother of two children

who happen to be with their father tonight.

But they live with me,

and I don't spend a lot of time in fancy French restaurants

worrying about whether the wine has emphysema or not,

but I really like you,

and I would love to go out with you again,

but frankly, it took all the courage I had just for the kiss,

much less anything else.

I hope you understand.

Sure, I do.

I understand perfectly.

I am so relieved.

Goodbye, Mary Jo.

Julia, I think the new auditor's here.

He's coming up the walk, and he looks grim.

Got to be a Fed.

JULIA: Okay, I'll be right out.

Oh, this is going to be a complete disaster.

I don't think I can stand to watch.

Hello. I'm Ray Don Simpson

From the I.R.S.

I have an appointment with Julia Sugarbaker.

Oh, yes. Come right in.

She'll just be a second.

Have a seat.

Thank you.

Suzanne, this guy look familiar to you?

No. CHARLENE: I just know I've seen him somewhere before.

[GASPS]

What's the matter?

I just remembered who he is. I've got to tell Julia.

Hello. How are you?

I'm Julia Sugarbaker.

Ray Don Simpson.

Nice place you have here.

Thank you. Please sit down. Thank you.

I do appreciate your coming.

I wanted you to see that my business is in my home.

Julia, I got to talk to you.

Not now, Charlene.

Can't you see I'm talking to Mr. Simpson?

May I get you a cup of coffee?

No, thanks. Tea?

No. We're not allowed to drink on the job.

Well, then is there anyone here you'd care to have sex with?

Julia!

Just a little joke.

A sense of humor!

I like that.

You know, you look awfully familiar.

Have we ever met before?

No, I don't think so.

I'm sure I'd remember you.

Julia, I got to talk to you now!

Would you excuse me for just a minute?

You know the decorating business,

The people are so high-strung.

Go right ahead.

Charlene, what has gotten into you?

Don't you know who that is out there?

Mr. Simpson. Not just Mr. Simpson. Ray Don Simpson.

Doesn't that name and face ring a bell?

No. Don't you remember?

One time we were sitting at Tokyo Gardens, waiting on Suzanne,

he tried to pick up you, me, and Mary Jo.

He came over to the table

and you proceeded to annihilate him in front of everyone.

Don't you remember?

He tried to introduce himself, and you said,

"Oh, there's no need for introductions, Ray Don."

"We know who you are."

"You're the guy who's always"

"wherever women gather and try to be alone."

"You want to eat with us in hotels,"

"keep us company on the plane."

And then you said,

"On behalf of all the women of the world,"

"I want to thank you, Ray Don."

I said that? He just kind of tucked his little tail

between his little legs and crawled to his little table.

This is that man?

I mean, you killed him, Julia, and now we're all gonna die.

This is what you get, Julia,

for always going around acting like the Terminator.

At least he hasn't recognized me yet.

No, but it's just a matter of time. And I swear, Julia,

he's this much away from remembering. What are we gonna do?

Just go out there and try not to look at him head-on, and you do the same.

Come on. I've got to get back out there.

Mary Jo, what are you doing here?

Well, I work here. Remember?

I'm just sitting here with Mr. Simpson,

and we are trying to figure out

where we know each other from.

That's about enough of that.

Don't you know how unprofessional it is to leave your desk?

And look at you. You haven't even sharpened your pencils yet.

This overhead lighting is so bright.

Why don't we go upstairs to my private office

and go over some of these figures?

All right.

I may as well tell you now.

I'm not a well person.

It's my eyes.

You see, they're allergic to all artificial light.

I'll be fine as long as it's dark.

Would somebody please tell me what is going on?

Later.

First we want to hear about your date.

You look rested. It can't have been that good.

Well, it wasn't. I mean, it was for a while,

but then he wanted me to make a commitment.

He asked you to marry him?

No. He wanted me to commit

to having my lips on his for a couple hours.

I just didn't feel like it.

I know, call me old-fashioned,

But I just think it's impolite

for somebody you just met

to put their tongue down your throat.

For me,

French kissing is more personal

than what you have to do to have children.

And I have no idea why I'm telling you this,

because it's absolutely none of your business.

Oh, yes it is.

I'm the one who fixed you up.

I deserve to know the details.

Well, there aren't any details, and there aren't gonna be,

because he left mad, and I'm sure I'll never hear from him again.

Hello.

Mary Jo?

J.D.

Uh, can I come in?

Sure. It's a place of business.

Come on in.

What do you need?

A llama throw for your king-size waterbed?

No. I just--I just came by to talk to you.

Hi, J.D.

Hi, Suzanne.

Do you mind?

Listen, I just want... I just want to say I'm sorry about last night.

I was a major jackass, and I want to be the first to admit it.

Hey, look. It's--It's not your fault.

You're--You're just a fast-lane guy,

and I'm a bumper-car woman.

No, no, no. Now, wait a minute. That is not true.

I am not a fast-lane guy.

I drive and eight-year-old station wagon

with a baby seat in the back.

A ba... You have children?

Three.

Suzanne didn't mention that.

Well, Suzanne doesn't relate to children.

She probably thought they were very tiny adults.

Cute. Yeah.

And the DeLorean?

Borrowed from Trammel Jennings.

Boy, I hate those gull wings.

Anyway, anyway, I was trying to be something I'm not,

and that includes trying to put the moves on you before you were ready,

and I--I just want to apologize.

It's kind of hard being divorced, isn't it?

Yeah.

It's kind of like your horse got knocked off the merry-go-round,

and everybody's going around screaming,

"You got to get back on. You got to get back on."

Yeah, I'm pretty sick of advice. You know, actually,

I'd just like to relax, go to a movie, get a pizza.

That sounds wonderful.

Well, you want to try it again this weekend?

I'd love that.

All right. Well, I'll call you.

Oh, uh, brought you a little present

Courtesy of the Atlanta Braves.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, listen, when I come by to pick you up,

would you mind doing that little bit for me

in front of the mirror again?

Get out of here before I French-kiss you.

Whoa-oh!

Mary Jo, he is absolutely adorable!

I know, I know.

So, Mr. Simpson...

I can't tell you...

What a pleasure it's been working with you.

Well, I think everything is in such good shape

that there's a good chance

we'll be able to throw out the entire audit.

Oh, won't that be wonderful?

I just can't tell you how I appreciate

your handling of everything, Mr. Simpson.

Oh, please call me Ray Don.

I know I know you from somewhere.

Oh, I wouldn't spend any time on it.

I have one of those faces.

Right.

Anyway, I want to thank you again

for keeping such good records.

Don't mention it,

And I want to thank you, Ray Don.

Now I know where I've seen you before!

["TEACH ME TONIGHT" PLAYING]