All language subtitles for Designing.Women.1993.S01E04.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.H264.AAC-PTerWEB_track3_[eng]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

Charlene, look
at all this.

There's enough
saccharine in here to kill a rat patrol.

I know.
I can't decide

whether I'd rather
be fat or sterile.

Julia, you're going
to a lot of trouble

just 'cause Payne's
bringing a girl home from college.

Well, I'm the one who
insisted that he bring her,

so I want to have
everything perfect.

What I want to know is
how come you're so interested in meeting this girl?

Payne's had
girlfriends before.

Right. You're acting awful
tight-lipped about this.

What's going on,
somebody pregnant?

You know, Suzanne, sometimes
you can be so crass.

There is nothing going on.

I just think Payne's
a little more serious this time.

I mean, they're together
day and night.

Well, maybe not night.

Right. If I were you, Julia,

I'd just be glad
he's interested in women at all.

And just what is
that supposed to mean?

Well, you know how
overbearing you can be.

I was always worried,
him being an only child

and you being his mother.

He could quite easily
have grown up to be a homosexual.

Suzanne, why don't you go
in the storeroom

and see if you can't
find something sharp

to impale
yourself on.

I was just making
an observation.

Also, it doesn't help
that "Payne" is a homosexual name.

Payne happens
to be the name

of our maternal
great-grandfather.

Suzanne, where do you
get this stuff?

There's no such thing
as a homosexual name.

How can you guys be
in the decorating business

and not notice
these things?

Payne is most certainly
a homosexual name.

So are Darryl, Wade,
Tommy, Peter, and Dennis.

Oh.

What are the
heterosexual names?

Chester and Ralph.

I can't stand it,
I can't stand it, I can't stand it.

Julia, you don't
actually mind Payne having a girlfriend, do you?

I mean, after all,
he's in college.

Of course I don't mind.
I just want to have a look at her.

I know he's 19 years old,
but as far as I'm concerned,

he's still a baby.

No, he's not.
Not what?

A baby. Look at
Jerry Lee Lewis.

He married
his cousin at 13.

You're right, Charlene.

I don't know why
before taking a major life step,

I sometimes forget
to stop and ask myself,

"Julia, wait a minute."

"Is this something
Jerry Lee Lewis would do?"

Oh, come on.
You know what I mean.

Norville and Dot Frazier
got married at 17 and 15.

Who are Norville
and Dot Frazier?

My parents.

Well, no wonder.
That's a whole different thing.

Your people are like
in Coal Miner's Daughter.

I mean, everybody
gets married

right out of junior high.

How do you know what
my people are like?

Come on,
I saw Deliverance.

Anyway, look
at their names.

Norville and Dot?

You saying my parents
are homosexuals, too?

Not homosexuals, silly.
Hicks.

I can't stand it.
I can't stand it. I can't stand it.

You don't have to blame me

just because you're afraid
of having your baby stolen

by another female.

Well, I know how she feels.
They grow up so fast.

Quint's only five,
but he's getting the facts of life in kindergarten.

He came home the other day
with this story some little girl told him

about how if one person
sees another person naked,

then that person
has to marry them.

Well, it's always
been my policy.

And I know the day will come
when he's gonna want some other woman

to lay out
his clothes for him,

fill up his little
wading pool,

put the Froot Loops
into his cereal bowl,

and it's just going
to kill me.

Sometimes I lie awake
at night

just thinking about
all the women out there

waiting to
get their hands on our sons.

This is incredible. I can't
believe I'm listening to the two big feminists

who are always
tearing down double standards.

"Women can have sex
and play around,"

"do anything
men can do." That's right.

They don't want one of
these liberated females

getting a hold
of their sons. Right ladies?

Right.
Right.

And someday when
y'all have a son, you'll understand.

I mean, look,

I absolutely
adore our sex,

but let's face it.

Some of us are scum.

Julia, we're
getting ready to go.

Is there anything else
we can do to help?

No, thanks,
I think everything is under control.

I changed the bed
in the guest room. Put a ham in the oven.

What time they
supposed to be here?

Just any second now.

You know, I was
thinking upstairs,

I'm actually looking
forward to this.

I mean, what if
Payne is serious about this girl?

He's a mature kid,
and I'm sure he would choose somebody...

...wonderful.

Yeah. I'll bet
she has long blonde hair

pulled back in those barrettes,
a sweater with a Ralph Lauren lace collar,

a plaid pleated skirt,
maybe knee socks with a pattern up the side

and an A D Phi sorority pin,
and maybe saddle shoes...

JULIA:
All right, Charlene!

We get the picture.

Anybody home?

Get in here.

I was starting
to get worried about you.

You should
know better than to do that.

Mary Jo,
how you doing?

Great. And don't you
look handsome!

Charlene,
how are you?

Oh, doesn't he, though?
Look at this.

His hair's getting so long.

I like the way
you got it cut. You like that, Julia?

Come on, girls, he's my
nephew, get your hands off.

I want my hug.

Hello.

I'm Primrose Horton.

You must be
Payne's mother.

Hello. You must be Payne's
girlfriend's mother.

No. I'm Payne's
girlfriend.

I don't have
any children.

I see. So...

...you decided to
steal mine.

Mother...

Payne told me
you have a wonderful sense of humor.

Yes, and I'm afraid
he's testing it.

Okay, I give up.
What's the joke?

There is no joke,
Mother.

Primmie is...

...my girl.

I see.

Well, well, what do you
know about that!

Here, let me
take your coat.

I want you
to be comfortable in here,

and to remember
my house is your house.

Thank you.

Payne, darling,
take the bags up to our room.

Over my dead body.

Okay, Mother.
Why don't we get straight to the point?

You don't like her,
do you?

What makes you
say that?

Oh, I don't know,
maybe because every time

she tried talking to you
during dinner,

you fell to your
hands and knees and started coughing.

And by the way,
you don't look attractive smoking Dad's pipe.

Well, it's just something
I've been wanting to try.

Anyway, Payne,
you know, I'm not about to let you sleep with someone

you're not married to
while you're under my roof.

Look, that was out of the blue.

I didn't know
Primmie was going to suggest that.

She happens
to be very liberated.

Darling, I'm afraid
you have liberated

confused with uncouth.

What could you
possibly have against her,

is it her age?
Well, she is a little long in the tooth.

She's 34.

Maybe in dog years.

Oh, nice talk.

I just cannot believe
that you really thought

I wouldn't mind
your being involved with somebody this old.

Mother, you seem to forget
that you're not the one

who's having
the relationship here. I am.

And Primmie's
teaching me a lot.

About what?

About...

Life.

About everything.

Is it against some law

for a professor
to be dating her own student?

I'm not in Primmie's class.

Anyway, I happen
to know somebody else

who dated
a much older woman.

Said it put him in good stead
for the rest of his life.

Who?

Dad.

It was long before
he met you.

I don't believe that.

He never told me that.

Well, he didn't tell you
everything.

We had good talks.

Such as?

Such as, he said,
"Son, if you find someone"

"who can give you half
the sex life your mother and I have had,"

"then you're in for
one of the finest things in life."

Well...

...he shouldn't have
told you that.

Well, he did.

What else did he say?

He said, "just don't get
all your ideas"

"about men and women
from your mother,"

"or you'll be
completely fouled up."

Sounds more like him.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

You know, Payne,
sometimes late at night,

I put on your daddy's
old tapes.

I miss him.

So much, I think
I can't make it through another day.

I know, Mother.

I miss him, too.

I'm so glad
I can see him in your face.

Times like this,
I always wonder

what he'd
want me to do.

I think he'd want you
to lay off.

And then I remember
his dying words.

"Don't let Payne
marry an old woman."

I don't think so,
Mother.

Well, it was
worth a try.

Can you believe
that Primrose person?

"Payne, darling, would you
take the bags up to our room?"

Boy, I bet some feathers
flew over here last night.

I wish I could've been
a fly on the wall.

Suzanne, I'm glad you're getting
such a kick out of this.

As Payne's aunt, I would think
you might be a little more concerned.

If I were you, I wouldn't
make a big deal out of this.

Well, you're not me, Suzanne.

And furthermore,
I would not be interested

in advice on raising children

from a person who returned
a poodle to a pet store

because it wouldn't do
the cha cha on its hind legs.

SUZANNE:
Where's your houseguest?

Upstairs taking
her morning bath.

It's not just a bath.

It's her "morning bath."

She is so dramatic.

You know the type.

Julia.

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry
to disturb you.

I was wondering
if you might have

some lavender
for my bath.

No, but I've got
some 20 mule team Borax.

So you don't have
any lavender.

Gee, I'm so sorry.
I ran out last night.

You know, I was
gonna get out of bed

and run to the 7-11
to get some,

but then I thought,
"Oh, why not just risk it?"

I'll make do.

You don't have to be
so openly hostile, Julia.

Well, I can't help it.

She gets
on my nerves,

and she snores.

I went into her room
last night to take her a blanket,

and she
was sawing lumber

like you can't believe.

Well, maybe she still
has her adenoids.

No, no.

This was snoring
like old people do.

I don't know, it might even
have been a death rattle.

Wishful thinking.

Oh, get serious, Julia.
She's certainly not over 40.

41.

How do you know that?

I looked at her
driver's license.

She told the truth on
her driver's license?

Yes, height,
weight, everything.

She's not only old,
she's stupid.

Well, what's the
matter with that?

I give my correct age and
weight on my driver's license.

It's the law.

That's true.
She still has all the little tags on her pillows, too.

Anyway, Julia,
maybe this Primmie, whatever her name is,

isn't exactly
what you had in mind,

but maybe you should
give her a chance.

I just don't understand
why all of you

are acting
as if this is nothing.

I mean, Charlene, you have
ranted and raved for weeks

about how they brought
Bobby Ewing back.

But let my son
bring home Grandma Moses,

and you could care less!

Now, Julia, you know
that's not true.

I'm on your side.

PRIMMIE:
Hello again.

I decided to
forego the bath.

It's just not the same.

Hope you don't mind
if I join you.

Payne is still sleeping.

I guess those midterm exams
just did him in.

Anyway, I can't do my hair
until he gets up.

He loves to
braid it for me.

Oh, my. Isn't that
courteous?

Tell me, how do you like
our little business here, Prissy?

It's Primmie.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

You know, I keep having
so much trouble with that.

How about
if I just call you "Hey, you?"

I guess you don't get
my sense of humor.

On the contrary,
I think I do.

Primmie, could I get you
a cup of coffee?

Oh, that would be
delicious.

Maybe with just
a touch of anisette if you have any.

Uh, no.

I got a couple of sticks
of licorice in my purse.

Uh, tell me,
I'm just dying to know,

how did you
and Payne meet?

Well, actually,
it's an incredible story.

I happen to be
a huge fan of Lord Byron.

Even if I'm teaching
the Elizabethan period

and it has absolutely
no relevance,

I will just
force him in there.

Well, that is
an incredible story.

Now we should
all get to work.

I wasn't finished.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Forgive me. Do go on.

Where was I?

Forcing Lord Byron.

Oh, yes.
Anyway...

I'm walking across
campus one day

With a close,
personal friend,

and suddenly,

I see this beautiful
young man coming toward us,

the sun illuminating
his hair like golden fleece,

and just as I catch
a fleeting glimpse

of his Romanesque profile,

it hits me
like a thunderbolt

that this could be
Byron reincarnated.

I introduced myself

only to discover
his name is Payne.

Ooh, what
a magnificent name.

It must've been
in your family for generations.

Actually,
I named him Payne

because I was in labor
for two and a half days.

To me, Payne
looks like just any other kid in cutoffs and sneakers.

"A knave so gold
in his hyacinth beauty"

"lays low
the oxen's burden."

"He stepped
from the tarnished runes"

"of a Grecian urn"

"and laid his bounty
upon my grateful breast."

I think that's Payne
to a "T."

What do
you think, Julia?

I think you're
full of crap.

Well, you held it in
as long as you could.

Primmie's just
finishing packing.

I thought I'd
say goodbye.

Well, darling...

I suppose I've
loused things up.

I just want you to know
I'm really gonna try to do better.

Oh, Mother, don't repress
yourself too much.

I don't want you
to have a stroke or anything.

Payne, I'm sorry if you think
I get in your life too much.

It's a sickness I caught
when you were born.

You know,
you're the first thing

that ever intimidated me.

I didn't know
anything about babies.

Certainly not
about boys.

And I still remember
everybody watching

through that hospital
nursery window

while I stood there
with your little sweater

and booties
in my hands,

praying, "Dear God,"

"please let me get
these shoes on right"

"or they'll never let me
take him home with me."

Now you're grown.

And my head never
touches the pillow at night

that I don't say...

"Thank you, God..."

"...for giving me
this most wonderful son."

Mother, you're
killing me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I hope I'm not
interrupting.

Payne, darling, everything
can go down now.

Do you mind if I speak
with your mother alone?

Haven't you two
had enough? Payne, please.

All right, all right, all right.
I'll be downstairs.

PRIMMIE:
Look, you've made it more than apparent

how you feel about me.

Now, I'd like you to know
how I feel about you.

All right.

I think you're
pompous, insufferable,

narrow-minded,
and overbearing.

You are also the
worst kind of mother...

...clinging
and manipulative.

And I'm warning you,
if you push me too hard,

I'll fix it so you
don't see him at all.

Are you finished?

No. Not quite.

My age seems to be
of great concern to you.

Frankly, I'm much
more concerned

right now
about a telephone call I made this morning

to a friend of mine
who teaches at the university.

According to her,
you have yourself

one of these
little flings every Fall,

and it's always
with somebody about 20 years old.

Maybe you have
a little problem?

I don't have a problem.

I'm having
a wonderful time.

Well, I think
he might be taking this a little bit more seriously

than you are,

so you have
another think coming

if you think I'm going
to stand idly by

while you use my son
for your temporary enjoyment...

Oh, just exactly what
do you mean?

I mean we're going to
take this to the woodshed,

and one of us is not
going to come back alive.

It's all right, Mother.
I know all about Primmie's fall flings.

You do?
Sure, it's the stuff campus legends are made of.

I wanted to check it out
for myself.

Payne.

Payne, are you
denying our feelings for each other?

No, I'm just saying there are
two people in this room

who love me,
and one of them isn't you.

Now, let's give old Payne
credit for knowing that.

Well, I for one,
think you...

Be quiet, mother.
I'm not finished with Primmie.

You called my mother
overbearing.

Maybe.
Clinging, no.

She always kicked my butt
to be independent

and to think for myself.

Otherwise,
I wouldn't be going out with a 41-year-old woman.

In fact, you should
thank my mother

for making
all this possible.

Just one more thing.
I believe you mentioned to her

that you might arrange it
that she doesn't see me again.

Get this straight.

Nobody comes between me
and my family.

Not now, not ever.

You seem to be
making a choice here.

Maybe I'll just
catch the bus back.

Well, then you'll be
making that choice.

I'm just telling you
how it is.

Oh.

Well...

...since you
put it that way.

Then I'll wait
for you in the car.

Why don't you do that?

Don't be too long.

You know something?

I'm awfully
proud of you.

I love you, Mother.

Better get going.

Shame you can't stay longer.
You all send us a post card.

Right. Bye.

Bye.
Bye.

Drop us a line
if you find somebody your own age.

Mary Jo!

You are so strong,
so in charge.

I love the way
that one little vein

pops out on your neck.
That is just like your father.

Okay, Mother.
I'll call later in the week.

Goodbye.
Bye.

This is like the ending
on The Love Boat.

I feel like
Captain Stubing seeing everybody off.

Okay, girls.
Let's hug him to death.

We got to make it last
till next time.

Yeah!

I can't believe
our baby boy

going back to college.

Goodbye.
Don't you let her work you too hard.

Oh, we won't.
Just a minute, mister.

Before you go,
just tell me one thing.

What's that?

How'd you find out
she was 41?

I looked on her
driver's license.

That's my boy.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]