Original subtitles

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

Charlene, look at all this.

There's enough saccharine in here to kill a rat patrol.

I know. I can't decide

whether I'd rather be fat or sterile.

Julia, you're going to a lot of trouble

just 'cause Payne's bringing a girl home from college.

Well, I'm the one who insisted that he bring her,

so I want to have everything perfect.

What I want to know is how come you're so interested in meeting this girl?

Payne's had girlfriends before.

Right. You're acting awful tight-lipped about this.

What's going on, somebody pregnant?

You know, Suzanne, sometimes you can be so crass.

There is nothing going on.

I just think Payne's a little more serious this time.

I mean, they're together day and night.

Well, maybe not night.

Right. If I were you, Julia,

I'd just be glad he's interested in women at all.

And just what is that supposed to mean?

Well, you know how overbearing you can be.

I was always worried, him being an only child

and you being his mother.

He could quite easily have grown up to be a homosexual.

Suzanne, why don't you go in the storeroom

and see if you can't find something sharp

to impale yourself on.

I was just making an observation.

Also, it doesn't help that "Payne" is a homosexual name.

Payne happens to be the name

of our maternal great-grandfather.

Suzanne, where do you get this stuff?

There's no such thing as a homosexual name.

How can you guys be in the decorating business

and not notice these things?

Payne is most certainly a homosexual name.

So are Darryl, Wade, Tommy, Peter, and Dennis.

Oh.

What are the heterosexual names?

Chester and Ralph.

I can't stand it, I can't stand it, I can't stand it.

Julia, you don't actually mind Payne having a girlfriend, do you?

I mean, after all, he's in college.

Of course I don't mind. I just want to have a look at her.

I know he's 19 years old, but as far as I'm concerned,

he's still a baby.

No, he's not. Not what?

A baby. Look at Jerry Lee Lewis.

He married his cousin at 13.

You're right, Charlene.

I don't know why before taking a major life step,

I sometimes forget to stop and ask myself,

"Julia, wait a minute."

"Is this something Jerry Lee Lewis would do?"

Oh, come on. You know what I mean.

Norville and Dot Frazier got married at 17 and 15.

Who are Norville and Dot Frazier?

My parents.

Well, no wonder. That's a whole different thing.

Your people are like in Coal Miner's Daughter.

I mean, everybody gets married

right out of junior high.

How do you know what my people are like?

Come on, I saw Deliverance.

Anyway, look at their names.

Norville and Dot?

You saying my parents are homosexuals, too?

Not homosexuals, silly. Hicks.

I can't stand it. I can't stand it. I can't stand it.

You don't have to blame me

just because you're afraid of having your baby stolen

by another female.

Well, I know how she feels. They grow up so fast.

Quint's only five, but he's getting the facts of life in kindergarten.

He came home the other day with this story some little girl told him

about how if one person sees another person naked,

then that person has to marry them.

Well, it's always been my policy.

And I know the day will come when he's gonna want some other woman

to lay out his clothes for him,

fill up his little wading pool,

put the Froot Loops into his cereal bowl,

and it's just going to kill me.

Sometimes I lie awake at night

just thinking about all the women out there

waiting to get their hands on our sons.

This is incredible. I can't believe I'm listening to the two big feminists

who are always tearing down double standards.

"Women can have sex and play around,"

"do anything men can do." That's right.

They don't want one of these liberated females

getting a hold of their sons. Right ladies?

Right. Right.

And someday when y'all have a son, you'll understand.

I mean, look,

I absolutely adore our sex,

but let's face it.

Some of us are scum.

Julia, we're getting ready to go.

Is there anything else we can do to help?

No, thanks, I think everything is under control.

I changed the bed in the guest room. Put a ham in the oven.

What time they supposed to be here?

Just any second now.

You know, I was thinking upstairs,

I'm actually looking forward to this.

I mean, what if Payne is serious about this girl?

He's a mature kid, and I'm sure he would choose somebody...

...wonderful.

Yeah. I'll bet she has long blonde hair

pulled back in those barrettes, a sweater with a Ralph Lauren lace collar,

a plaid pleated skirt, maybe knee socks with a pattern up the side

and an A D Phi sorority pin, and maybe saddle shoes...

JULIA: All right, Charlene!

We get the picture.

Anybody home?

Get in here.

I was starting to get worried about you.

You should know better than to do that.

Mary Jo, how you doing?

Great. And don't you look handsome!

Charlene, how are you?

Oh, doesn't he, though? Look at this.

His hair's getting so long.

I like the way you got it cut. You like that, Julia?

Come on, girls, he's my nephew, get your hands off.

I want my hug.

Hello.

I'm Primrose Horton.

You must be Payne's mother.

Hello. You must be Payne's girlfriend's mother.

No. I'm Payne's girlfriend.

I don't have any children.

I see. So...

...you decided to steal mine.

Mother...

Payne told me you have a wonderful sense of humor.

Yes, and I'm afraid he's testing it.

Okay, I give up. What's the joke?

There is no joke, Mother.

Primmie is...

...my girl.

I see.

Well, well, what do you know about that!

Here, let me take your coat.

I want you to be comfortable in here,

and to remember my house is your house.

Thank you.

Payne, darling, take the bags up to our room.

Over my dead body.

Okay, Mother. Why don't we get straight to the point?

You don't like her, do you?

What makes you say that?

Oh, I don't know, maybe because every time

she tried talking to you during dinner,

you fell to your hands and knees and started coughing.

And by the way, you don't look attractive smoking Dad's pipe.

Well, it's just something I've been wanting to try.

Anyway, Payne, you know, I'm not about to let you sleep with someone

you're not married to while you're under my roof.

Look, that was out of the blue.

I didn't know Primmie was going to suggest that.

She happens to be very liberated.

Darling, I'm afraid you have liberated

confused with uncouth.

What could you possibly have against her,

is it her age? Well, she is a little long in the tooth.

She's 34.

Maybe in dog years.

Oh, nice talk.

I just cannot believe that you really thought

I wouldn't mind your being involved with somebody this old.

Mother, you seem to forget that you're not the one

who's having the relationship here. I am.

And Primmie's teaching me a lot.

About what?

About...

Life.

About everything.

Is it against some law

for a professor to be dating her own student?

I'm not in Primmie's class.

Anyway, I happen to know somebody else

who dated a much older woman.

Said it put him in good stead for the rest of his life.

Who?

Dad.

It was long before he met you.

I don't believe that.

He never told me that.

Well, he didn't tell you everything.

We had good talks.

Such as?

Such as, he said, "Son, if you find someone"

"who can give you half the sex life your mother and I have had,"

"then you're in for one of the finest things in life."

Well...

...he shouldn't have told you that.

Well, he did.

What else did he say?

He said, "just don't get all your ideas"

"about men and women from your mother,"

"or you'll be completely fouled up."

Sounds more like him.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

You know, Payne, sometimes late at night,

I put on your daddy's old tapes.

I miss him.

So much, I think I can't make it through another day.

I know, Mother.

I miss him, too.

I'm so glad I can see him in your face.

Times like this, I always wonder

what he'd want me to do.

I think he'd want you to lay off.

And then I remember his dying words.

"Don't let Payne marry an old woman."

I don't think so, Mother.

Well, it was worth a try.

Can you believe that Primrose person?

"Payne, darling, would you take the bags up to our room?"

Boy, I bet some feathers flew over here last night.

I wish I could've been a fly on the wall.

Suzanne, I'm glad you're getting such a kick out of this.

As Payne's aunt, I would think you might be a little more concerned.

If I were you, I wouldn't make a big deal out of this.

Well, you're not me, Suzanne.

And furthermore, I would not be interested

in advice on raising children

from a person who returned a poodle to a pet store

because it wouldn't do the cha cha on its hind legs.

SUZANNE: Where's your houseguest?

Upstairs taking her morning bath.

It's not just a bath.

It's her "morning bath."

She is so dramatic.

You know the type.

Julia.

Oh, hello.

I'm sorry to disturb you.

I was wondering if you might have

some lavender for my bath.

No, but I've got some 20 mule team Borax.

So you don't have any lavender.

Gee, I'm so sorry. I ran out last night.

You know, I was gonna get out of bed

and run to the 7-11 to get some,

but then I thought, "Oh, why not just risk it?"

I'll make do.

You don't have to be so openly hostile, Julia.

Well, I can't help it.

She gets on my nerves,

and she snores.

I went into her room last night to take her a blanket,

and she was sawing lumber

like you can't believe.

Well, maybe she still has her adenoids.

No, no.

This was snoring like old people do.

I don't know, it might even have been a death rattle.

Wishful thinking.

Oh, get serious, Julia. She's certainly not over 40.

41.

How do you know that?

I looked at her driver's license.

She told the truth on her driver's license?

Yes, height, weight, everything.

She's not only old, she's stupid.

Well, what's the matter with that?

I give my correct age and weight on my driver's license.

It's the law.

That's true. She still has all the little tags on her pillows, too.

Anyway, Julia, maybe this Primmie, whatever her name is,

isn't exactly what you had in mind,

but maybe you should give her a chance.

I just don't understand why all of you

are acting as if this is nothing.

I mean, Charlene, you have ranted and raved for weeks

about how they brought Bobby Ewing back.

But let my son bring home Grandma Moses,

and you could care less!

Now, Julia, you know that's not true.

I'm on your side.

PRIMMIE: Hello again.

I decided to forego the bath.

It's just not the same.

Hope you don't mind if I join you.

Payne is still sleeping.

I guess those midterm exams just did him in.

Anyway, I can't do my hair until he gets up.

He loves to braid it for me.

Oh, my. Isn't that courteous?

Tell me, how do you like our little business here, Prissy?

It's Primmie.

Gosh, I'm sorry.

You know, I keep having so much trouble with that.

How about if I just call you "Hey, you?"

I guess you don't get my sense of humor.

On the contrary, I think I do.

Primmie, could I get you a cup of coffee?

Oh, that would be delicious.

Maybe with just a touch of anisette if you have any.

Uh, no.

I got a couple of sticks of licorice in my purse.

Uh, tell me, I'm just dying to know,

how did you and Payne meet?

Well, actually, it's an incredible story.

I happen to be a huge fan of Lord Byron.

Even if I'm teaching the Elizabethan period

and it has absolutely no relevance,

I will just force him in there.

Well, that is an incredible story.

Now we should all get to work.

I wasn't finished.

Oh, I'm sorry. Forgive me. Do go on.

Where was I?

Forcing Lord Byron.

Oh, yes. Anyway...

I'm walking across campus one day

With a close, personal friend,

and suddenly,

I see this beautiful young man coming toward us,

the sun illuminating his hair like golden fleece,

and just as I catch a fleeting glimpse

of his Romanesque profile,

it hits me like a thunderbolt

that this could be Byron reincarnated.

I introduced myself

only to discover his name is Payne.

Ooh, what a magnificent name.

It must've been in your family for generations.

Actually, I named him Payne

because I was in labor for two and a half days.

To me, Payne looks like just any other kid in cutoffs and sneakers.

"A knave so gold in his hyacinth beauty"

"lays low the oxen's burden."

"He stepped from the tarnished runes"

"of a Grecian urn"

"and laid his bounty upon my grateful breast."

I think that's Payne to a "T."

What do you think, Julia?

I think you're full of crap.

Well, you held it in as long as you could.

Primmie's just finishing packing.

I thought I'd say goodbye.

Well, darling...

I suppose I've loused things up.

I just want you to know I'm really gonna try to do better.

Oh, Mother, don't repress yourself too much.

I don't want you to have a stroke or anything.

Payne, I'm sorry if you think I get in your life too much.

It's a sickness I caught when you were born.

You know, you're the first thing

that ever intimidated me.

I didn't know anything about babies.

Certainly not about boys.

And I still remember everybody watching

through that hospital nursery window

while I stood there with your little sweater

and booties in my hands,

praying, "Dear God,"

"please let me get these shoes on right"

"or they'll never let me take him home with me."

Now you're grown.

And my head never touches the pillow at night

that I don't say...

"Thank you, God..."

"...for giving me this most wonderful son."

Mother, you're killing me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I hope I'm not interrupting.

Payne, darling, everything can go down now.

Do you mind if I speak with your mother alone?

Haven't you two had enough? Payne, please.

All right, all right, all right. I'll be downstairs.

PRIMMIE: Look, you've made it more than apparent

how you feel about me.

Now, I'd like you to know how I feel about you.

All right.

I think you're pompous, insufferable,

narrow-minded, and overbearing.

You are also the worst kind of mother...

...clinging and manipulative.

And I'm warning you, if you push me too hard,

I'll fix it so you don't see him at all.

Are you finished?

No. Not quite.

My age seems to be of great concern to you.

Frankly, I'm much more concerned

right now about a telephone call I made this morning

to a friend of mine who teaches at the university.

According to her, you have yourself

one of these little flings every Fall,

and it's always with somebody about 20 years old.

Maybe you have a little problem?

I don't have a problem.

I'm having a wonderful time.

Well, I think he might be taking this a little bit more seriously

than you are,

so you have another think coming

if you think I'm going to stand idly by

while you use my son for your temporary enjoyment...

Oh, just exactly what do you mean?

I mean we're going to take this to the woodshed,

and one of us is not going to come back alive.

It's all right, Mother. I know all about Primmie's fall flings.

You do? Sure, it's the stuff campus legends are made of.

I wanted to check it out for myself.

Payne.

Payne, are you denying our feelings for each other?

No, I'm just saying there are two people in this room

who love me, and one of them isn't you.

Now, let's give old Payne credit for knowing that.

Well, I for one, think you...

Be quiet, mother. I'm not finished with Primmie.

You called my mother overbearing.

Maybe. Clinging, no.

She always kicked my butt to be independent

and to think for myself.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be going out with a 41-year-old woman.

In fact, you should thank my mother

for making all this possible.

Just one more thing. I believe you mentioned to her

that you might arrange it that she doesn't see me again.

Get this straight.

Nobody comes between me and my family.

Not now, not ever.

You seem to be making a choice here.

Maybe I'll just catch the bus back.

Well, then you'll be making that choice.

I'm just telling you how it is.

Oh.

Well...

...since you put it that way.

Then I'll wait for you in the car.

Why don't you do that?

Don't be too long.

You know something?

I'm awfully proud of you.

I love you, Mother.

Better get going.

Shame you can't stay longer. You all send us a post card.

Right. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

Drop us a line if you find somebody your own age.

Mary Jo!

You are so strong, so in charge.

I love the way that one little vein

pops out on your neck. That is just like your father.

Okay, Mother. I'll call later in the week.

Goodbye. Bye.

This is like the ending on The Love Boat.

I feel like Captain Stubing seeing everybody off.

Okay, girls. Let's hug him to death.

We got to make it last till next time.

Yeah!

I can't believe our baby boy

going back to college.

Goodbye. Don't you let her work you too hard.

Oh, we won't. Just a minute, mister.

Before you go, just tell me one thing.

What's that?

How'd you find out she was 41?

I looked on her driver's license.

That's my boy.

[THEME SONG PLAYING]