Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

CHARLENE: Now, Walter, I'm sorry your fraternity slave week

didn't net any money, but I can understand some of the black guys

not wanting to participate.

The fact is you and your brothers

still owe us for three Herculon sofas.

Oh, come on! How can I make you guys a loan?

I'm the office manager.

Well, and wait, even if I did,

I expect to be paid back in 30 days.

Oh, all right. All right.

I don't know why I'm doing this except you remind me of my baby brother.

He's also incorrigible and lives in filth.

All right. 30 days, Walter.

I'm going way out on a limb here.

Don't you let me down. Okay. Bye-bye.

Charlene, did you call those fraternity boys yet?

Yeah, and I hated doing it.

You know, they're the poorest fraternity on campus.

They're the guys all the other houses rejected.

Yeah. Everybody else has got those

Gone with the Wind columns.

They got split-level. It'll break your heart.

Not paying their bill will break my heart.

Well, that's 'cause you haven't been out there

like Charlene and me.

They're kind of a combination

of foreign exchange students

and the guys in high school

who were always president of the science club.

Nobody is ever going to go out with them,

but that doesn't keep them from wearing their little Bruce Springsteen t-shirts,

drinking beer, and screaming "Raise hell," all day long.

I maintain that if they're old enough to order furniture,

they're old enough to pay for it.

Oh, not necessarily.

I remember when I was eight,

I got out the Montgomery Ward catalog.

I ordered my parents a complete new dinette set,

a miniature ping-pong table

and a toolshed.

Boy, were they mad.

Charlene, that is so unlike you.

You've always been such a responsible person.

To this day I still can't figure out why I did it.

It was this kid who sat next to me in second grade.

Just, kind of, toyed with me all the time.

Never knew where I stood.

Finally, I just went crazy.

And, that's when you ordered the dinette set?

Uh-huh.

I can understand that.

Sometimes it frightens me

that you two have found each other.

I have just had one of my worst mornings of my life.

First, I pull into one of those self-serve gas deals.

But, I don't know how to stick that little thingamajig in there.

Fortunately, there was this housewife with a van full of screaming kids

who agreed to do it for me.

So, as I'm leaving, I give her a quarter,

And what does she give me?

The bird!

Can you believe it?

And to top it all off, I find out

my cleaning lady is not coming in today.

Incredible story.

Let us never criticize

until we have walked a mile in those pumps.

What's the matter with Flora?

Oh, I don't know,

she's hemorrhaging or something,

And here I am planning a dinner party for all of us Friday night.

No, no. Please, I beg of you. Not another one.

You are incapable of hiring decent help.

Is that so? Well, for your information,

I have just employed a full-time housekeeper

through a local agency.

As a matter of fact, she's arriving today.

I'm told she's a perfectly lovely woman.

Where is she arriving from?

I don't know. One of those little countries

where they're always having trouble.

She would've been here sooner,

but they had an outbreak of something on the boat.

Now all her animals are in quarantine.

And you believe that?

That is the oldest excuse in the world.

Charlene,

my guest of honor is this wonderful man

I met at a charity benefit last night.

His name is Mason Dodd, as in Mason Dodd imports.

Yeah? His family is just rich, rich, rich,

But he went out and made another fortune on his own.

And the best part is

I've got him interested in giving us merchandise on consignment,

plus anything we want for ourselves

at 25% off wholesale.

I'm talking Baccarat crystal

and the best Chinese porcelain.

So? I collect thimbles.

Why are you getting in my face?

Well, because you're going to be Mason's date. Oh, no. Just a minute.

If he's so wonderful, you'd be going out with him yourself.

Well, he didn't ask me.

As my first husband, Dash Goff, the writer, used to say,

"There are some mountains so majestic,

"even brave men dare not approach."

He was also the one who drank, wasn't he?

No, I'm sorry. There's something fishy here.

Besides, I've been fixed up before. It never works.

Ladies, hope I'm not interrupting.

Mason Dodd, you sweet man,

Get in here.

You're wonderful to come all this way just for me.

Well, I felt I had to

after you threatened to kill yourself.

I--I asked Mason to come and take a look at our inventory,

so he can get an idea of the kind of merchandise we carry.

And, of course, he's going to let us order things for ourselves, too.

Uh, Mason,

that's my sister, Julia.

That's Mary Jo,

And this...

...is Charlene.

Hi. There's a rumor going around

that Suzanne is going to try to force you to have dinner with me.

Oh, well, she did mention something.

I can tell by the look on your face

she forgot to mention my height.

What's wrong with your height?

It's too low for my width.

Don't tell me you didn't notice.

No. I noticed.

Well, I for one think you two are absolutely perfect together.

Mason, why don't you take her to lunch get to know her better?

Oh, it's a great idea, Suzanne. Why don't you ask her for me?

Well, I don't know.

I'm pretty tied up this week.

Well, now, whatever you have, I'll cover.

How about tomorrow?

You don't have anything tomorrow.

I don't? That's right, I don't.

Thank you, Suzanne. I'll return this favor.

Say, 12:30, Gallagher's.

Look, Charlene, here's my card.

Something comes up and you can't make it,

just give me a call.

Mr. Dodd, I know the inventory

so much better than Suzanne.

Don't you want to let me show you the back room?

Why don't you do that and that'll give them a chance to talk.

Suzanne! Suzanne!

Okay, okay, he's a little over weight.

Now, he showed up before I had a chance to mention it.

"A little over weight?" This man could be used for public housing.

I mean is this what you think of me, this is who I would be perfec t for.

Okay, I made a mistake.

Well, the truth is I know I'm too superficial to go out with someone like that.

But, I always thought that you had the depth and sensitivity

to appreciate a man for what he has inside, his soul.

Actually, Charlene has never been all that big on souls.

Well, I'm going to keep his card, I'll call him later and cancel.

I don't want to do it now. It's too soon.

I might hurt his feelings.

What? His card. It says,

"Help, please call police."

"I've been swallowed by a fat guy."

Well, I guess I could have lunch.

I mean, it's not like dinner.

It would be just once,

and that's absolutely it.

Hello?

Is this Alpha Tau Epsilon?

Walter Newkirk, please.

Walter.

Mary Jo, over at Sugarbaker's.

Look,

not a good move

leaving the couches in the alley behind the store.

You see, our basic policy is, Walter,

that once something has been thrown up on,

you can't return it.

Look, Walter, I can't really talk right now,

but I'm sending a little money along

and I want you to use this money

as a payment on these sofas.

Now, this is just a loan between you and me,

and I expect to be paid back

right after you have winter carnival, okay?

Okay!

And that check better be here next week or else.

And now, here is Julia Sugarbaker,

who would also like a word with you.

Don't be too rough on them, Julia. They're just kids.

I know. I know, I have a son in college.

Hello, Mr. Newkirk. Julia Sugarbaker here.

Basically, we're upset

because you boys returned these sofas to us,

which, if I may speak candidly,

are not fit to grow Penicillin on.

And while it is not my business to speculate

on what heinous acts they've been subjected to,

I'm sure it was far worse than anything

Samsonite ever had to endure.

That, however, shall remain

between you and your chaplain.

The bottom line is I expect payment in full within 10 days.

Well, your parents should have taught you more responsibility.

Julia. What?

Walter's parents were killed in a car accident.

I know other orphans,

and they still manage to pay their bills.

Walter is saving for his brother's prosthesis.

Would you excuse us a minute, Mr. Newkirk?

There are other boys in this fraternity, are there not?

Yes.

Three from Ethiopia.

Mary Jo, I'd like to finish this conversation in private.

Could you please wait in the storeroom?

Yes. I'd like to go.

Just call me when you're through.

Hello, Mr. Newkirk there's been a slight change in plan here.

A late-breaking bulletin, as it were.

I've decided to divide your payment

into four installments.

Now, I'm going to make you a loan for the first one.

With interest.

Then you will send your payment to Charlene.

Now, this will be our little secret.

Oh, you boys are having a carnival.

You know, in my day,

we found the big moneymaker was a kissing booth.

I see. I didn't realize kissing was passé.

No. I don't think that kind of booth would be appropriate.

Never mind. Goodbye, Walter.

Mary Jo, you can come out now.

I know you think I'm heartless,

but sometimes in business you just have to be.

Anyway, I think we'll be seeing a check next week.

Good.

You know, it's crazy,

but I have the same feeling.

Hi.

Well, we certainly had ourselves

another long lunch today, didn't we?

Long lunch is the only kind you have with Mason.

Anyway, we went to Stropfeller's. They take forever.

Oh, I can't eat there.

Something about those desserts going around in that glass case.

Revolving food just makes me sick.

You know, the more I'm with Mason,

the more things I love about him.

I mean, I don't think anybody has ever made me laugh so much.

Except maybe you.

You know, just makes me mad that some people

can't get past the fact that he's...

You know... Fat?

Yeah. And, I guess, I'm just glad I'm not one of those people.

Yeah.

To think, a week ago, I didn't even know him.

Now I'm...

I'm just the happiest I've ever been.

Charlene, I just think you're being too hard on yourself.

You can't help the way you feel.

Yeah, but Mason deserves to be with someone who is

not embarrassed by him.

Anyway, I'm beginning to like him too much.

I mean, I could get serious. And I just don't know if I can handle that.

Does Mason know you're embarrassed?

Well, he's beginning to sense it.

We go out, I do everything short of wearing a ski mask.

I mean, come on, how would you like to always be known

in restaurants as a party of six?

It's awful. People stare.

You can feel them sort of tense up and guard their food.

Well, it seems to me that the main thing is

that you're just not attracted to him.

That's the crazy part.

I am!

I just can't get to him.

I mean, I can't even get my...

I can't begin to think how...

I'm gonna be like...

I'm getting a picture.

But I can't find you in it.

Have either of you ever...

No. No.

I did ride an elephant once at the Kenya club.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just... It just popped into my mind.

I mean, it's not like he saw me off at the airport.

The bottom line is it's just not going to work

and I have to tell Mason.

Hello, ladies.

I just stopped by on my way home from the market

to make sure we're still on for dinner.

You went to the market?

What's happened to your maid?

Oh, Consuela is home, cooking.

And for your information, she's going to work out fine.

But she does have a couple of little idiosyncrasies.

Actually, it's kind of cute.

She just learned how to say "boo."

It seem they don't have the "boo" word in her country,

so every time I walk into a room

there she is, crouched behind the door yelling it.

Well, actually, screaming is more like it.

I guess it is getting on my nerves just a little.

Suzanne, I'm sorry. I don't think I'm going to be able to come tonight.

Well, of course you're coming.

You're Mason's date. He's the guest of honor.

Suzanne, Charlene has decided to break off with Mason.

And I don't think she has to keep a date with him

just so you can get yourself service for 40 in Baccarat crystal.

Exactly what are you trying to say?

Well, I think what she is trying to say

is that you're sort of an interior decorating pimp.

Well, that's just the most insulting thing I've ever heard.

Oh, Charlene, please don't let me down tonight,

you don't know the trouble I've gone to.

Oh, all right, I'll come.

But afterwards, Mason and I have got to be alone to talk.

No problem.

And you won't be sorry.

This evening is just going to be wonderful.

Consuela's brother is a gourmet meat packer,

and he's slaughtering something special for us.

I can't put my finger on it,

but something about this doesn't bode well.

MARY JO: Well, I'll tell you what I resent is how the TV

and movies always show

Southerners to be so stupid.

And, have you noticed the women are always these oversexed loons,

sitting around in a satin slip

and no air conditioning?

That reminds me of that story about the Southern woman

who goes to this la-di-da cocktail party in New York City.

She turns to a Northern woman

and she says, "Where y'all from?"

The Northern woman looks at her and says,

"We are from where we don't end our sentences"

"with a preposition."

So the Southern woman looks at her and says,

"Oh. Well, then, where y'all from..."

"...bitch?"

You--You didn't think that was funny?

No. Sure, I did.

It's just that fat people are always so Jolly.

It's hard to tell when we're laughing.

I don't know but there's something about being from the South that is different.

Someone was asking me just the other day,

"Suzanne, what do you suppose it is that makes Southerners so splendidly unique?"

Oh, come on, who was asking that?

I don't know, Julia, but someone was.

Julia, Suzanne tells me you were a Tri Delt at Chapel Hill

maybe you knew my sister. I doubt it.

I was kicked out for not wearing a girdle on campus.

Well, you're kidding.

So was I.

Well, I think I'll just go check

and see what's holding up the main course.

Excuse me.

CONSUELA: Boo! [OBJECTS CLATTERING]

SUZANNE: Consuela, you've got to stop that!

CONSUELA: Ha ha ha! I scare you! I scare you!

SUZANNE: That's my blouse!

CONSUELA: Get your filthy hands off me!

[FAINT SCREAMS]

I think I have some chiclets in here

if anybody would care for one.

Well, it's 9:15. I'm going to have to call my babysitter.

Good idea. Maybe she can bring some food over.

It's just going to be a few more minutes.

Consuela is taking the thermometer

out of the lamb right now.

Oh, I certainly hope he hasn't caught a fever.

Julia, I'm doing the best I can.

She threatened me with a knife.

It was just a little knife,

but still...

More gazpacho anyone?

I'll have some.

Oh, you don't have a bowl.

Oh, this one's fine.

At home, I just use a trough. Mason...

Sorry, Charlene, I forgot you don't like trough Jokes.

See, but I feel they lighten the mood,

especially when the food runs out.

People get around a guy like me

they get nervous I might eat them.

Guess you're mad 'cause I called you in here,

and now you're missing dessert.

No.

I'm relieved.

For the first time in my life,

I don't want dessert.

You know, I've never seen lamb with an apple in its mouth before.

I've never seen anyone put himself down the way you do

and enjoy it so much.

You like embarrassing me, don't you?

No.

I guess it's just my way of sending you a message.

Okay, what's the message? Send it direct.

I think maybe it would be best If we don't see each other anymore.

Let me get this straight.

You're saying you think it might be best

if we don't see each other anymore?

That's what it sounded like. Yeah.

Look, Charlene, I like you a lot,

but because of my upbringing,

I require certain things I don't think you could give me.

Such as? Such as, I come from money, and you don't.

That's a gap that's hard to bridge.

The few times we've been out with my friends, I...

...felt uncomfortable. How?

It doesn't matter.

It's a basic difference in education and lifestyle.

Oh, I see. Well, I'm sorry I wasn't born

with a serving spoon in my mouth.

Silver spoon.

I know. I was making a Joke.

Oh, touché.

Well,

it seems like we've hit a nerve here.

Let me see if I've got this straight.

You can feel ashamed of me,

but I can't have any feelings about your inadequacies?

Is that the way it works? How do you know I'm ashamed of you?

Being fat doesn't make you dense.

Yeah, well, I just like to know who you think you are breaking up with me

when I didn't want to go out with you in the first place.

As a matter of face, I think you get down on...

On my hands and knees and give thanks

that a girl like you would go out with someone like me?

No.

I didn't mean that.

Charlene, look...

I've never been embarrassed by you, either.

I made that up.

Then why did you say that?

I just wanted you to know how it feels.

It hurts, doesn't it?

You don't really think I'm dumb, do you?

You're like a fox.

Don't ask for any more compliments.

I'm still mad at you, and it puts a strain on my art.

Oh, Mason.

The truth is...

I just adore you.

I--I think you're sweet and fun and...

Sexy.

Very sexy.

I do.

I know that sounds crazy.

I don't think it sounds crazy.

Sex is all up here, anyway, you know.

Well, it's not all up there.

Charlene...

...if it hurts us this much,

I can lose the weight.

I just don't want it to be a requirement.

Can you understand that?

Yeah, I think so.

I'd like a chance to do better.

I'd like a chance to be thinner.

Can you forgive the feelings I have?

I do all the time in my fantasies.

You fantasize about us?

Oh, yeah.

What are we doing?

Well, sometimes, um...

You don't have any clothes on.

And what are you doing? [DOORBELL CHIMING]

I don't know. I'm never looking at me.

Well, I just can't believe this.

I mean, I get roses all the time,

but usually not after ten o'clock.

Well, read the card. Who are they from?

"Here are some red roses for a sweetheart of a lady."

"You know who you are."

"Love,"

"the men of Alpha Tau Epsilon."

And there's a check.

For the full amount of the sofas.

How could they send the full amount?

They haven't even had their winter carnival yet.

You see, Mary Jo,

it pays to be tough.

[DISTANT SINGING]

♪ If you were the only girl ♪

♪ In the world... ♪

Can you believe this?

When I was in college, this used to happen every night,

But I don't think I recognize any of these people.

Suzanne, what makes you think all this is for you?

Of course, it's for me, Julia.

Who else would it be for?

♪ We could go on loving ♪

♪ In the same old way ♪

♪ A Garden of Eden... ♪

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]