Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[♪♪♪]

Charlene: Well, then, can you tell me...

But I thought they were going to make a decision.

I see. Well, maybe if I call back in a few...

Will you call me, then? All right.

Thank you very much.

What was that all about?

I don't know.

Did Rudy or Marcel call about the pink valences?

No, not yet.

Actually, that was my cosmetics company.

Charlene, for the life of me, I cannot understand

why you like selling that stuff on the side.

I mean, it's not like you make all that much extra money,

and having those little make-over demonstration parties

in other peoples' homes is beyond me.

Well, Julia, that's you. This is me.

I happen to enjoy it.

Just this morning I met a woman at Carl's Jr.

with a pore problem.

Tonight I'm going over to her house and close them off.

Something wrong?

Oh, it's nothing.

I just heard today's date on the car radio.

I thought my birthday was next week.

Now I find out it's Friday.

Boy, I knew this was gonna happen.

You're depressed about the big 3-0, aren't you?

No, Julia, I'm not depressed about the big 3-0.

I'm depressed about the big 2-9.

Suzanne, I don't want to seem unkind,

but I am your sister, remember?

I know when you were born and you're going to be 30.

I most certainly am not.

If you don't believe me, ask Mother.

Why would I ask Mother? She lies about her age, too.

Well, that's pretty strong talk

from someone who throws herself

an alleged 40th birthday party every year.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

I'll get it.

Sugarbaker's.

Yes, this is she.

Oh, you're kidding?

Oh, that's wonderful! Oh, I'm so excited.

I'll tell her right away.

Okay. Thank you very much.

Guess what.

I don't know. Oh, come on, just guess!

Oh, Charlene, please. You always do this.

I can't guess. There are too many possibilities.

Life, death, birth, infinity. Just tell me.

Oh, all right.

Kemper Cosmetics has been looking for someone

to sponsor them in the Miss Pre-teen Atlanta contest,

And they just found her.

I should have guessed.

I would have gotten that one.

Oh, Mary, chill.

It's Claudia.

My Claudia? Yes!

Oh, I was going to ask your permission,

but I thought, "No, let it be a surprise."

So I went ahead and I submitted her picture and bio,

and they want to sponsor her. Isn't that fantastic?

Oh, what's the matter? You aren't excited.

Well, I...

I appreciate the gesture, Charlene, but...

I don't believe in beauty contests.

What do you mean you don't believe in them?

They exist. They're on TV!

I mean...

I don't like them.

I feel like they--they...

They exploit people,

and they promote the wrong kind of values.

And it's just not something I'd want my daughter involved with.

But I really appreciate you thinking about her.

Well, I for one, am sick and tired

of everyone always talking about

how beauty pageants exploit women.

I love every one of my crowns.

And being Miss Georgia World

was the finest moment of my life.

Nobody had to force me

to walk down the runway in that swimsuit.

I did it with my head held high.

You had to. The stays in that bra were so big,

If you looked down, you would have gouged yourself to death.

Mary Jo, I just can't believe you feel this way.

Well, I'm sorry, but I agree with her.

I especially loathe those pageants

where the women come out in their bathing suits

and they plaster those ratings across the front of them.

That is so degrading.

Isn't that the worst?

It's like some sort of breast-athon at the Olympics.

They'll have this gorgeous creature come out

with these humongous...

and, right, superimposed across the front of her body

will be a giant score,

like 9.6. That's out of ten.

Then they'll bring out this anemic little, bird-like creature

who probably plays the oboe,

and she'll be there in her native costume,

you know, with a big grin on her face.

Underneath the grin it will say 4.6.

I mean, it is just so painful,

I want to run to my phone and call her up and say,

"Honey, wipe that smile off your face and take a look at that monitor,

"because they are making a complete fool out of you."

I don't think there's anything wrong with rating them.

Anyway, look at all the good things pageants do.

They provide opportunities and scholarships...

But look at the degradation

that the women have to go through to get them.

I--I say it's a lot easier just to do your homework.

That's right! And if pageants are so all-fired wonderful,

why don't they have them for men?

Why aren't Bob and Frank and Ted out there

flexing their little tushies for tuition?

I'll tell you why Bob and Frank and Ted aren't out there.

Because Bob and Frank and Ted have got better sense.

What are you saying? That men are smarter than women?

About this they are.

Well, I certainly don't know any man

who would go on national television and reveal...

His most vital statistics?

Certainly not for the purpose of being compared to other men.

Can you imagine the angst in that auditorium?

I bet they would shrivel up and die in the isolation booth?

Well, I think you two are completely overreacting.

We're talking about beauty pageants here,

not Playboy magazine. There's a big difference.

Only in degrees.

The beauty pageants just throw in these scholarships

to make it look like it's not a beauty contest.

And Playboy throws in Jerry Falwell

and the President of the United States

as an excuse to show centerfolds.

But it's the same double standard.

If Hugh Hefner truly thinks

that being publicly spread-eagled is so fantastic,

how come we haven't seen his little wahoo

with a staple in the middle?

Is it just me, or have we gotten off track here?

I'm sorry. You're right, Charlene.

We're getting carried away.

I know it. When I get started, I just can't stop.

Julie, your just like mother

Remember when Daddy used to have to take her purse and hit her in the head.

Those were fun times, weren't they?

Charlene... Mm-hmm.

I know you have Claudia's best interests at heart,

but it's just not something that I want her to do.

You understand?

Yeah, I do. I just hope Claudia will.

Oh, that's no problem.

I'll just never mention it.

Too late.

What? Well, she is the one who gave me the pictures.

Why not?

Because it's just not something

that I want you to do!

I just don't see how it could hurt for me

to be in Miss Pre-teen Atlanta!

Claudia, a few weeks ago, you had not even heard

of Miss Pre-teen Atlanta...

Quint, is there something you need?

I need some toilet paper.

I'm changing all the rolls.

Is it just a coincidence

that you always do this right at bedtime?

You have any chewing gum?

Not a proper response.

Go to bed.

I'll tuck you in in a minute.

Okay, look, I'll make a deal with you.

If you let me be in Miss Pre-teen Atlanta,

I promise I won't make

anything below a "B" this semester.

And I'll clean my room everyday.

Do you want it that bad?

Yes! Look, you always say you'll never get anywhere

if you're not willing to stick your neck out.

Honey, these beauty contests are brutal.

I mean, look, I just think that you are the prettiest,

most special daughter ever born,

but these other contestants,

they're hard-core professionals.

And you are just an amateur.

Look, I've lost to things before. I can take it.

Okay.

But if I let you do this, I want you to remember

that these are not our values.

I understand, and I promise.

Because the way that a person looks is not important.

It's what they are inside.

Everything else is just superficial.

And certainly not something that

we'd want to spend a lot of time on.

And now we have the names of our five finalists,

one of whom will be crowned

Miss Pre-teen Atlanta tomorrow night.

And to read those names

is the current Miss Georgia World,

Marjorie Lee Winnick!

Thank you, Dan.

Thank you.

As I call the names,

I would like for each finalist to come on stage.

Number one.

Sponsored by U-tan-it Sun parlors,

And look at that tan, Mary Lynn McPheters.

Can you believe that? I thought her nose was a little long.

Number two.

Sponsored by City Light and Water,

Joy Ann Giffons.

Oh, please! You can see her gums when she smiles.

Number three.

Sponsored by Sea Boss Chicken,

Jennifer Lynn Weeks.

Oh, please! Did you see the hips on her?

She could haul grain to market.

Mary Jo!

I'm sorry. I don't know what's come over me.

Number four.

Sponsored by Ed's Party and Sick Room Supplies,

Nancy Jane Whoopers.

I'm not saying a word.

And finally,

number five.

Sponsored by Kemper Cosmetics,

Claudia Marie Shively.

Yes! Yes! [SCREAMING]

We won! We won! Claudia is a finalist!

Well, little mother, what do you think of beauty contest now?

[WHOOPING]

Only try it again and see if you can hold

your shoulders back a little more.

Pretend there's a board up your spine.

Life is hard enough.

Why would anyone want to pretend that?

Oh, Julia, please.

If you don't take it seriously,

how can we expect Claudia to?

No, Charlene, Julia is right.

I mean, I think as long as Claudia is going to do this,

we ought to keep it in the spirit of fun

and having a good time.

Well, we certainly can't use any of these shoes. She needs heels.

Heels? I don't wear heels yet.

You do now. You need the height.

Trust me, short people never win a pageant.

I'm not short. I'm average.

I know, sweetheart,

but we want to be better than average.

Okay. Now turn.

Very slowly. That's it.

And just when you get your back to the judges,

cock your head to one side and give them a look.

Like this.

Only don't overdo it, or they'll resent it.

Just a touch of "come hither."

Wa-Wa-Wait a minute.

"Come hither."

She's 12 years old.

Don't you think that's a little strong.

I mean, I think something like...

"Hello, sir, nice to make your acquaintance" is much more appropriate.

Mary Jo I haven't won 11 titles just "Whistling Dixie."

Believe me, I know, what I'm talking about.

Okay.

Don't do too much.

I just said that.

Okay, just a little bit more colors on the cheeks.

And a little bit around the eyes.

This is so exciting. I was depressed about my birthday,

but this pageant has just got my juices flowing again,

like the old days.

And tomorrow night, I'm going to...

She is going to take that auditorium by storm.

All right, now, Honey, don't forget to smile,

that's the one thing they always take off points for.

But not that phony little smile

like Miss City Light and Water.

You know, it's kind of hard to smile all the time and mean it.

Smart girl. Better watch out,

they deduct points for that, too.

That's funny, Aunt Julia.

Thank you, darling.

And as far as I'm concerned, that smile is good anytime.

And what's wrong with Miss City Light and Water?

I thought she was nice.

It's nothing. I just...

I just thought her lips looked fake.

I mean they were puffy.

I think she was on steroids.

Claudia Shively?

Here.

You're up next. Are you almost ready?

She is more than ready.

She is magnificent.

Oh, are you the mother?

Are you kidding?

Marjorie, I am Suzanne Sugarbaker,

Miss Georgia World 1976.

I think we met at this year's pageant.

Oh, yes. I remember you now.

You're the one whose talent was twirling the baton.

That's right.

How did you remember that?

Because nobody twirls the baton anymore.

I just thought it was a hoot.

Oh, Charlene, this is Debbie Hammonds,

Miss U-tan-it's mother.

Oh, how do you do?

And this is her other daughter Stacy Nicole.

She's in the Little Miss Peach contest down the hall.

You're absolutely adorable.

Can I fix you up one of these hot dog?

No, thank you. It might ruin my lipstick.

Everyone thinks she looks just like Jessica Lange.

Go ahead, honey. Show them your Jessica Lange.

Oh, my goodness. Very nice.

Hurry up, Suzanne,

we're going to miss Claudia.

Okay. I'm just touching up.

She's right, you know?

Nobody does twirl the baton anymore.

You know what I am, Julia?

I'm an aging professional beauty queen.

And turning...

...29 tomorrow

has made me admit for the first time

I have no other talent.

Oh, come on. That's not true.

Yes, it is.

This is what I spent my whole life doing.

I know in my heart it's been a frivolous thing,

but, I'm not like you.

You can do anything.

This is all I was born for.

From the time I was a little girl,

whenever I'd see a tiara, I'd just start to breathe hard.

And all I could think was,

I want that crown to be on my head.

I'll never forget walking down those runways.

The way the roses felt in my arms

and the roar of the crowd.

They loved me.

Now it's all over, and I...

I just don't know if life can ever be that good again.

Who was that?

Suzanne Sugarbaker.

Don't you remember her? No.

Miss Georgia World '76?

Oh, yeah. The one with the big hair.

Right. And the joke was they found Jimmy Hoffa in it.

Do you know she actually showed up at this year's pageant

and gave a two-hour lecture on manners, cuss words,

and how not to cross your legs.

No. No! Yes.

Yes, it was so embarrassing.

Then, I have another daughter

who looks just like Vanna White

on Wheel of Fortune.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So, we stay pretty busy

with the pageant circuit most of the year.

Oh. Yeah.

Better get her back.

Nice meeting you.

That's amazing, isn't it?

One daughter looks like Vanna White,

this one looks like Jessica Lange.

So, tell me this...

How come she looks like Lorne Greene?

Exactly.

Is it my imagination,

or have we become two of the nastiest human beings

left on Earth?

Maybe we should go back out.

They're on the last interview.

Excuse me.

Aren't you Marjorie Lee Winnick,

the current Miss Georgia World?

Why, yes, I am.

I'm Julia Sugarbaker,

Suzanne Sugarbaker's sister.

I couldn't help overhearing

part of your conversation.

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone was here.

Yes, and I gather from your comments

there are a couple of other things you don't know, Marjorie.

For example, you probably didn't know

that Suzanne was the only contestant in Georgia pageant history

to sweep every category except congeniality.

And that is not something the women in my family aspire to anyway.

Or that when she walked down the runway in her swimsuit,

five contestants quit on the spot.

Or that when she emerged from the isolation booth

to answer the question,

"What would you do to prevent war?"

She spoke so eloquently of patriotism, battlefields,

and diamond tiaras, grown men wept.

And you probably didn't know, Marjorie,

that Suzanne was not just any Miss Georgia.

She was The Miss Georgia.

She didn't twirl just a baton,

that baton was on fire. Look that...

And when she threw that baton into the air,

it flew higher, further, faster

than any baton has ever flown before,

Hitting a transformer

and showering the darkened arena with sparks!

And when it finally did come down, Marjorie,

my sister caught that baton.

And 12,000 people jumped to their feet

for 16 and one half minutes of uninterrupted, thunderous ovation

as flames illuminated her tear-stained face.

And that, Marjorie,

just so you will know,

and your children will someday know,

is the night the lights went out in Georgia.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Well, now you do.

My mother says these pageants

put value on the wrong things.

But she's been acting pretty funny herself lately.

Anyway, she's always taught me to be exactly who I am.

So, here goes.

The truth is,

I don't usually look like this.

And I don't want to be Jane Pauley.

I want to be a professional dancer like in Las Vegas.

I didn't say that before

because I didn't think it would make a very good answer.

And I don't think I belong in this contest,

because I don't know what being Miss Pre-teen Atlanta means.

And I think it should be won by someone who does.

Thank you very much.

♪ 29 candles ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ Make a... ♪

A pretty... I don't know.

Pretty smile. Wait. I have another one.

♪ Happy, happy birthday, Suzanne ♪

[HUMMING OUT OF TUNE]

Ta-da.

What is this?

It's your birth certificate.

I found it in an old cedar chest at home.

Well, there's no date on it.

I know. Mine is the same way.

That was mother's gift to us.

Look at how old she was when you were born.

Thirteen?

According to this, mother is now a year younger than me.

That rascal.

Well, I don't know about you all,

but I've got to get this girl home to bed.

Oh, wait. I almost forgot.

I have a present for Claudia.

Oh!

Oh, Suzanne, it's beautiful.

But I can't accept this.

I didn't do anything to deserve it.

Yes, you did.

You showed class and courage. That's right.

Besides, this one never looked that good on me, anyway.

Thank you. What I want to know is how'd you get so much older and wiser

than the rest of us?

Excuse me, I still have to live with this person.

And even though you may not be Miss Pre-teen Atlanta,

as far as daughters go,

I think I got the top of the line.

Good night.

Come on, you two.

I just have one more thing I want to say.

I love my daughter.

I love everyone in this room.

And I still think Miss City Light and Water is on steroids.

Good night!

Bye-bye.

Well, I guess I should be going home, too.

Just don't fool with any of this stuff.

We'll clean it up in the morning.

Good. I'm kind of tired.

You can just pile all my presents up there in the corner.

I know.

Drive carefully.

I will.

Julia.

Yeah.

Thanks.

For what?

Being my big sister.

Happy birthday.

I still say 30.

SUZANNE: Twenty-nine!

["ISN'T SHE LOVELY" PLAYING]