Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, I'm not just the office manager,

I'm the office manager.

I'm sure we can get those recliners in naugahyde for you.

About four to six weeks.

Well, we raise our little naugs on a ranch.

We have to wait till they're weaned.

Oh, good, you have a sense of humor.

All right, Mr. Dalton. Thank you.

Charlene, you're just never going to believe it!

I mean, I had no idea!

When I first talked to those people, you know,

I thought it was a simple little colonial.

Who knew? I'm still hyperventilating!

You mean the Sundermyers have money?

We are talking M-O-N-E-Y.

To give you an example,

their dog's name is Richard.

The servants call him Dick.

I guess they must have liked me pretty good,

because when I left they said that I could call him that, too.

Where's Julia? She's at the bank.

So they liked your idea?

I have no idea. I mean, I was completely intimidated.

This was me in the great hall.

Oh, Jo. You always sell yourself short. I bet we get that account.

I bet we don't. They're talking to all the big design firms.

They're not going to pick us.

We do English chintz and pine cupboards.

These people have icons and marble lions.

I'm not talking about some ceramic horse jockey,

I am talking lions with their heads thrown back laughing.

What's wrong?

It's my neck.

I've been noticing recently that it looks like somebody else's neck

and I just realized who it was.

Ronald Reagan.

You know, there's no reason for him to go around like that.

Like Gorbachev. That thing on his head,

I have some stuff that'd cover that right up.

Anything wrong?

Charlene, tell me something.

Have I ever misled you?

Yes, that time you told me going to a psychic's a waste of money

and they told me a bunch of things that came true.

And also, when you said people with tattoos have something wrong with them.

I've known some very nice-- All right!

I hate it when you break my flow.

How much do you have invested in this business?

Well, half my savings.

I mean, I could never give more than that,

unless of course, it was during wartime.

I hope that didn't break your flow.

Mary Jo...

Everything except my kid's college fund, why?

Nothing for you to worry about.

I just want you both to know that you can count on me.

Last year, when Hayden died,

I said I'm going to do what I always wanted to do,

start my own decorating business.

And no matter how many overwrought, tight-fisted bankers

wail and gnash their teeth,

I have no intention of going under.

How much were we off?

A couple hundred from last month.

Charlene, what is all this stuff?

Oh, those are the lights Mr. Tyson sent back this morning.

The man is a nutcase. Why is he returning these?

Well, now he seems to feel the way they were lit

accentuates the nude figures in his paintings.

He's not saying it's intentional, mind you,

it's just more titillating than he'd like.

That's his word. Personally, I hate that word

and especially hate the way Mr. Tyson says it. He kinds of draws it out.

Anyway, he's not saying that all the figures are obscene.

Apparently, if a person's naked but they also have wings,

then it's not obscene 'cause they're an angel.

Thank you.

Sugarbakers.

Oh. Hi.

Yeah. Me, too.

Tonight?

Yeah, okay.

All right. See you then.

Is that him?

Yeah.

We're going out again.

Oh, great.

No, not great.

There must be something wrong with him

or I wouldn't like him so much.

There is already one thing that kind of bothers me.

And what is that?

He had a bullet hole in his pants.

A bullet hole? How you know that's what it was?

'Cause I said, "What's that hole in your pants?"

And he said, "Oh, that? That's a bullet hole."

Perhaps he was out shopping somewhere and got caught in some crossfire.

Well, good morning, troops.

Isn't it wonderful to see everyone

so bright-eyed and bushy-tailed?

Suzanne, I've just come from the bank.

And I'm in no mood for your assessment of my tail.

Well, don't you worry about that, big sister.

Because I just landed us a job

refurbishing Mr. and Mrs. JD Boliver's estate In Ansley Park.

Of course, you know they're an interracial couple.

So I told them all about our family's part in the civil rights struggle.

What part?

You know. That time mother got up at town hall

and said, "If the races must mingle,

then let it begin with me and Harry Belafonte."

By the way, Charlene,

I can't seem to find any of my alimony checks.

I think you've misplaced them.

Well, excuse me, but they're right where they always are

in order of alphabetical husbands.

Furthermore, I do not misplace things.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm not a person going down the great freeway of life

with the back of her dress tucked in her pantyhose.

Okay, don't be so touchy.

You might be interested to know

that Dr. Stenner's office called and canceled your appointment.

He's retiring immediately for health reasons.

Retiring?

He can't retire. He's been my gynecologist for years.

Let him go. He's paid his dues.

Well, this is just awful.

I don't even know another gynecologist.

Jo's ex-husband's one.

Is he any good?

Well, I'd like to think so.

She put him through school.

Do you have his number?

Yeah, I guess I've got it right here in my wallet.

Is this him with your kids?

Mm-hmm.

He has horns.

I don't know what incredibly immature person did that.

You know, Suzanne, I find this really incredible.

Three hours ago you were looking for a new gynecologist,

so Mary Jo graciously gave you the number of her ex-husband.

We were all under the impression this was to be a medical visit.

Now you return with the news that you're dating this person?

I mean, forgive my stupidity,

but just exactly how does one make that jump

from the stirrups in a doctor's office to a booth at TGI Fridays?

Look, Julia, I can't explain it.

It was romantic fate. I'm a romantic.

All I know is our eyes met...

She's not only a romantic, she's a contortionist.

I only had a consultation in Ted's outer office.

Oh, now it's Ted.

Look, I don't understand what everyone's getting so upset about.

After all, Ted and Mary Jo are divorced, their relationship is in the past.

Come on, Suzanne. These things are never in the past.

I'm sure Mary Jo has some old underwear she doesn't want either.

That doesn't mean she wants to see you in it.

Well, I think we should let Mary Jo speak for herself.

Mary Jo, I want the truth.

If my going out with Ted would bother you in any way,

then all you have to do is to tell me.

And I would.

If you want to go out with Ted, it's fine with me.

Good. Because I wouldn't want you to feel pressured

or to feel threatened

by our incredibly electric attraction for one another.

And I swear I don't mean that bitchy.

I don't understand why you have to pick on her ex-husband.

Julia, I didn't pick him. It just happened.

And it will happen again.

Suzanne, if sex were fast food

there'd be an arch over your bed.

And I swear I don't mean that bitchy.

Mary Jo...

I know this is none of my business,

but I just can't believe you let him get away.

I mean, what happened?

Well, we married young and drifted apart.

That's it?

That and I guess I just got tired every night

of having to yell, "stop it, stop it. You're killing me."

Really?

So then, you're absolutely, positively sure

you don't mind if I date him? I'm sure.

Well, why not? He always dated whoever he wanted even when they were married.

I should have suspected he had some macho problem

when all the nurses he hired always had these sort of life-threatening breasts.

At first, I tried to ignore it.

I was a different person then,

not like I am today,

brimming with bravado and self-confidence.

I kept hoping that...

That seeing all those female

patients,

all day long, day in, day out

would somehow make him numb.

Instead, he developed a high tolerance.

You know what was really hard?

When he would come home after a long day

and I would want to be somehow...

Different from the others.

But there's only so much you can do.

With what you have.

If you know what I mean.

Really? I don't think I'd have that problem at all.

Oh?

All I'm saying is, anyone can make sex new and exciting

if they're creative about it.

Well, I guess I'm just not the exotic type.

I see one of those electric personal massage deals

and all I can think of is horrendous home safety accident.

I'm not saying you need props.

You just have to talk to each other in bed.

Personally, I can't stand a man who talks in bed.

And the last thing I want is to lie around discussing the whys and wherefores

of who's going to be doing what to whom and for how long.

I say just get the show on the road.

Julia, you remind me more and more of Betty Davis everyday.

I know.

I remind every one of those big-shouldered broads.

Would you look at the time? I've got to run.

Ted's taking me out to dinner.

Now, Mary Jo, will you cross your heart

and hope to die this won't bother you?

Yes. Go.

And have a wonderful time.

Bitch.

It was just a little joke.

You know, I like this place. There's so many men in suits and ties.

I just love a man in a suit and tie.

If all these men in here were in their underwear,

I'd probably medley dress them.

While we're on the subject, what happened to your friend with the bullet hole?

Don't ask.

Well, it just so happens he's in jail right now

but it's just to do some undercover work.

I know that sounds flaky and you don't always have to refer to him as my friend.

His name is Shadow.

Charlene, are you sure you told Suzanne Tokyo Gardens?

Of course I'm sure.

Have some sushi.

I've finally figured it out.

It's not Suzanne I'm mad at,

it's Ted.

You see, when we got divorced,

I couldn't tell him how angry I was.

She didn't even ask for alimony.

You didn't ask for alimony?

No. I had my heart set on the death penalty.

She put Ted through med school.

He owes her a fortune. Which school?

Guadalajara. Maybe not.

When we got back to the States, first thing he did

when he got out of residency was buy a Jaguar.

Suddenly, at 30, he decided he was going bald.

That was when they lived next door to me. He had hair plugs put in,

started going to sun tanning parlors.

Pretty soon, all you could see were his teeth.

He would come home at 10:00 at night,

smelling like perfume,

looking like Kunta Kinte.

If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's a prissy man.

Excuse me, but you lovely ladies

look like you're in need of a little male companionship.

Trust me when I tell you that you've completely misassessed the situation at this table.

[LAUGHS] A sense of humor. I like that.

You're, uh...

Charlene Frazier.

No kidding. I have a sister named Darlene.

Really? I have sisters named Marlene, Darlene, and Harlene.

I have a brother named Skip.

Allow me to introduce myself.

Ray Don Simpson.

There's no need for introductions, Ray Don, we know who you are.

You do? Of course.

You're the guy who's always wherever women gather or try to be alone.

You want to eat with us when we dine in hotels,

you want to know the book we're reading is any good,

or if you can keep us company on the plane.

And I want to thank you, Ray Don,

on behalf of all the women in the world

for your unfailing attention and concern.

But read my lips and remember,

as hard as it is to believe,

sometimes we like talking just to each other,

and sometimes we like just being alone.

Okay, I can take a hint.

You want a little girl-talk.

I'll just go make a couple of phone calls and be right back.

Julia, he just asked to sit down.

You didn't have to annihilate him.

I'm sorry, but you just cannot be nice to a man like that.

Hiya, Suzanne.

Hello, everyone. Sorry I'm late.

I don't know where the time went to.

Ted and I were at a book store, getting that Michelin guide on Paris.

Oh, that's all right.

Here. Have a whore d'oeuvres.

You and Ted are going to Paris?

Oh, just for the weekend. He can't take off more time than that.

I always dreamed of going to Paris.

But instead, we went to Lake of the Ozarks and Silver Dollar City.

Look, I'm sorry I even mentioned it!

You know, it's very difficult being so happy

and not being able to share it with any of my friends.

Buy a diary.

There's just one thing I'm dying to show you,

and then I promise not another word.

[GASPS]

Well...

That must have set him back a couple of hysterectomies.

Doesn't he have great taste in jewelry?

Oh, yes.

I have always treasured my opal pinkie ring.

Suzanne, after hearing the way Ted treated Mary Jo,

I'd think you might want to reconsider dating him.

Oh, Ted would never hurt me.

No, but I would.

Well, I'm very sorry all of you feel this way.

I can see now that you'd never be happy about my big news.

Okay, I give. What news?

Ted has asked me to marry him!

Check.

Well, I just cannot believe it!

I mean, how can I work?

I mean, dating is one thing, but marriage is quite another.

I mean, can you imagine her as the stepmother of my baby?

That woman is not a mother!

She has no idea how to make a salt map of the Grand Canyon!

Look. Maybe we're all overreacting here.

Now, look at all the times Suzanne's been engaged. Right, Julia?

Right. And how many of them did she marry?

All of them. Thank you very much.

Hello, Mary Jo.

Now I know you're mad at me for doing this.

But if Ted and I are going to have any chance for happiness,

then you two have to work out your differences.

I brought him here so you can tell him what's on your mind.

And then we'll all feel better and live happily ever after, okay?

Okay.

I think we girls should go powder our noses so Ted and Mary Jo can talk.

You stick to your guns.

So...

How've you been? Great.

I want to see you sometimes when I pick up the kids,

but you're always upstairs.

Yeah. Well, those are the breaks.

Easy come, easy go.

Mary Jo,

Suzanne and I are serious. I hope that won't be a problem for you.

A problem? No. Why would that be a problem?

Comme c'est, comme ca.

I think that's comme ci, comme ca.

How dare you correct me!

Actually...

I think this is a pretty good idea,

because there's some things I'd like to get off my chest.

Wait a minute!

You're blaming me for the weather in Mexico, too?

Monsoons are my fault?

I'm not saying monsoons are your fault!

Do you see this ashtray?

This ashtray is approximately the size

of the tiny stool that I sat on for two years.

Eight Hours a day, filing 3 x 5 index cards

so that you could become a doctor.

And the only time I got off that stool

was to go to my waitressing job

or to give birth to your child

while you were scuba diving off the coast of Baja

with a person named Martita.

Okay, so you resent me.

There's nothing I can do about that now.

I've offered you money, you won't accept it.

I don't want your money and I don't want your degree!

Then what do you want? I want...

I want to know that what I did mattered!

That I mattered.

I want you to say,

"Thank you."

That's it?

That's it.

Gee, you're

putting a lot of pressure on me to perform here.

I mean, if that's all you want,

I want to say it with tremendous feeling,

but now I'm feeling all blocked and...

You know, Ted,

you really are a jackass.

Okay, You're right.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you.

There now, wasn't that nice?

And don't we all feel much better?

Yeah.

It's amazing how mad you can get

when you let it build up for 10 or 12 years.

Personally, I would have hired Marvin Mitchelson

and had your wahoo mounted and hung over my fireplace.

Ted, this is my older sister Julia, grown bitter from years of living in my shadow.

And I think you know Charlene.

Hey, Charlene. It's been a while.

You still selling your cosmetics on the side?

Mm-hmm. Your skin's looking a little dry. You should drop by.

I'd love to give you a chemical peel.

Well, I'd like to make a toast.

A toast?

Yes. I feel great about the fact that

Ted and Suzanne are getting married,

'cause if they weren't,

then we might never have had our little talk.

And I want to wish them all the happiness in the world.

Well, this might be a little premature.

After all, Ted and I have a lot of talking to do ourselves.

Talking? About what?

Oh, I just have a few questions.

Like what's the big deal about not being able to go to sleep

before anyone else in the room goes to sleep?

That's just how I am. You know that.

How would I know that?

We haven't been to sleep yet.

And another thing for your information,

I don't go around marrying men who kick dogs.

Hey, I don't know where she got that.

I never kicked a dog in my life.

I just threw that in for fun.

I'd like to make that toast anyway. You know,

I think it was pretty darn nice of Suzanne to bring Ted over here.

Out of character, but nice.

So, here's to a very classy coworker

and to Julia,

the best of the big-shouldered broads.

And to Char, the last of the great lean sisters.

Two of the finest women that it's been my honor to be in debt with.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]