Original subtitles

Booyakasha. Me name be Ali G and me is straight

out of the Westside of Staines you know in the UK.

It's not far from Windsor Castle where the Queen lives.

Reconnize. America has h'invented some of the bestest tings in the world,

McDonalds, gangsta rap, spaghetti and swimming.

But your country's got problems too. There's been 'nuff sadness

since the terrible events of 7/11 and also there is

still racialism, even to the native people.

You know, what is they called the, you know, the.. them ones.

How come you never ever see them in prominent jobs,

apart from that bloke in the Village People

and even then he couldn't go out

without a policeman, a fireman and someone from the Navy to protect him.

So the purpose of this show is to h'educate, to motivate and to

...ate. This week's subject is 'The Law'.

Wagwan. On the quest to fix up the law

me first went to Police Academy in Philly.

What is your job here?

My job here is primarily as the commanding officer of the recruitment unit.

So, you is the boss man here? - I'm one of the boss men.

Where is we going to now?

Oh, we're going to Valer Hall and in Valer Hall we'll meet

Sergeant Hyers who is going to take us through some of the

recruit scenario training.

Ok, today you're going to actually participate

in some Philadelphia Police recruit training. - Wicked man!

We're goingto do some scenarios in which

the officers will actually respond to some incidents.

You're gonna be 2310 car and anytime you hear 2310 on the radio

you'll push the side button and you'll say 2310.

Is this me partner?

This is your partner right here. - Yo.

This is Officer Brinkman. This is your new partner.

You can introduce yourselves. - Hi there, how you doing? - Yo. Respect.

Yo Brinkman is you good cop and I is bad cop? - Well you're...

Who's the good cop, who's the bad cop?

No, it's not... we're gonna go and handle the situation.- Yo yo yo we're going.

2310 car. - Here you go 2310.

Yo this be me the main man 2310 with my man Brinkman

Right, take 8501 state road and meet the complainant

for a report of a burglary.

No doubt.

Do you know what a burglary is?

For real! I has done a couple.

Ok. - Alright you go in first.

No put that down. - Why? - We don't need it.

I give you cover. - Ok, alright.

Yo! We is here looking for burglary.

This is my partner. - Yes.

What's missing?

You his partner? - Yes I am.

14 inch colour television.

Oh yeah, how do we know you ain't lying?

How do we know there was a telly?

Well, we have to take the report anyway. - Yeah.

You know, 'cause we don't know.

Does he promise that there was a telly here?

What was you watching?

Well, he wasn't here when it happened.

So he claims.

Get a move on... they... Brinkman you is mental,

they are saying that we need to be out there.

Number... Phone number? -... 5...

That ain't the time to get her number...

... 45...

If you have any more questions just give me a call.

Ok. - He's crap......

Yo this be 2310 we be back on the road

After my man Brinkman finally finished his shit.

Ok, no profanity here.

Sorry about that.

Yo can you put on the siren? 'S got the siren on.

No, no don't put that out the window. Here.

But what happens if they see us?

What...no... you keep it down, you have to keep it down,

Alright, so they don't know.

Here, you can take this when we get out. - Wicked! - Alright.

Yo! What is the matter with you?

Some guys jumped us. They beat us up.

You have to put this out... Look, look, look!

Three men...

Yo, three men...

One black male, one white male...

2310 there's three men: One brother, one honky and one's...

what's the 's'? - Spanish

One Spanish.

We refer to the person as a white male not as a honky.

Why not?

A honky is not a nice term for a male... for a,

for a white person.

Why not?

It's like an ethnic slur.

For real. But they say: You can be a honky but you can still be hung like a donkey.

Possibly. - 2310 car. - They is calling our name on the thing.

Yo this be 2310.

You're supposed to be at the cone shack right in the middle of the driving course.

Ok. - The cone shack?

Ok. We have a report of a burglary.

We can't just go up and start shooting OK? - For real!

So... - That's him! - Ok.

Is that the geezer? - Ok, tell him to stop.

Yo! Stop it! - Keep your distance, keep your distance

Stop it, motherfucker. - Keep your distance.

Don't move. You is fucking with the wrong cop.

Wait. - Oh, what's going on?

Oh, you like the taste of steel?

Keep your distance. You gotta keep a 6 feet distance.

Ok, alright look, this is what we do

when a man with a gun call, ok?

Alright, wicked.

Don't forget, when we get up there,

we're gonna open the doors and we're gonna go behind the doors.

Ok, tell him to put his hands up.

Yo! Yo mo fo. Put up your hands or you is gonna be shot by us.

Ok. Tell him you see the gun.

I can see the motherfucking gun. Put them up.

You can't curse, you can't curse.

You can't curse.

Tell him to put his face in the ground.

Yo stick your head in that ground and eat that dirt.

Ok, now put that down. Ok, walk around him.

Yo!

Put your right hand up, sir.

What's he got? - Get one hand free. Take the gun.

Where's he got a gun? - Where did we see?

Right, now put your gun away.

Ok, No, don't point it at him. - It's a fake gun.

Ok, that's fine. - He's got a fake gun.

You tried to do this with a fake gun. You thought that was funny?

Do your job, He might have another gun.

You thought that was funny doing this fake gun on this?

You picked the wrong cop to fuck around with,

Slimeball! - Ok, well we don't talk like that in Philadelphia.

Alright. Do I have to touch him here?

You gotta touch him, search him. Come on,

you wanna be a cop or not? - For real, I just don't like touching blokes.

Let's go. Look you wanna be a police officer or not?

Blokes, blokes. - What's a bloke man?

Did I ask to have a chat with you? - Let's go. Let's go.

We're wasting time. A crowd is starting to form. We wanna get out of here.

Let's go. You don't need your gun.

Now really what can you feel with that? - I don't wanna touch.

You gotta touch. Do you wanna be a cop or not? - I...

Do you wanna be a cop or not? - For real, but...

Oh well, it's not for real. Either you touch him or you don't touch him.

I can see there's nothing there.

You came here saying I wanna be a cop.

Alright. I wanna be... Ah, look what we got here.

What have you got? - Ah, where d'you get this from?

Alright, he's got money. No don't put it in your pocket!

Why not? - He's gonna say you stole it.

But he probably nicked it from someone.

He's handcuffed. Put it back in his pocket.

Did you get that money from someone?

It's my money, man!

Put the gun away. - Yeah alright.

Alright you gotta touch him. Let's go.

Yeeww - Come on, come on. - Alright. Wait!

Here, take your hand. You gotta touch him.

There you go...That's what we do alright? - Er. That is disgusting.

Alright here we go... And that completes cop 101

here at the Philadelphia Police Academy.

How'd it go? What d'you think?

Respekt. Do you think I can make a good cop? - Ah. Probably not.

Jagshemash. In US and A, if you want to marry a girl

you cannot just go to her father's house and swap her for 15 gallons

of insecticide.

Before American woman will allow you in her vagine

you must do something called dating.

Hello, my name is Jenny, pleased to meet you.

Hello, Jenny. Nice to m...meet you.

Thank you for coming in today to see

if Great Expectations is right for you. - Yes.

What should happen if you met your ideal woman?

I will love her. We will be as one. - So are...?

I will give her television remote control,

a red dress I hope will fit her.

So you are saying you have a good life and back home.... - Yes.

That you can and would like to provide for her? - Yes.

Ok great. - But, if she cheat on me... Why you laugh?

I think that's sweet, keep going.

Yeah. But if she cheat on me I will crush her.

You will crush her?

Well, honey that's not gonna qualify you with our membership

if you're prepared to crush a woman.

You can break up with her and divorce her

but you cannot cru... no crushing!

Why don't you give me a little bit on personality traits you're looking for.

Yes. I want her to be blonde.

I want her to have no history of retardation in family.

If possible she must have plough experience.

You're not going to find Americans with plough experience.

Just to let you know. Us American women,

we don't have plough experience.

But not, not much. Maybe one year or...

I'm... honey. I have zero plough experience.

And she must have a good physique

and she must be tight like a man's anus.

And she must have nice face.

Ok, attractive... What about race?

You're open to all races?

Er... yes, but no Jew.

No Jewish, ok...

Alright. So what do you enjoy? What are your interests?

I like play table tennis. I like shoot dog.

Snoop dog?

Shoot dog, shoot.

Oh ok mm.

Should I tell people that I am good at sex? - No.

But I am...

But you don't wanna say that cause a woman...

But I am more good than many men...

In America if you say that on your profile,

a woman is not gonna go out with you,

because then she thinks that's all you want.

Even though I am big like a can of pepsi?

It doesn't matter. Women in America feel

that any act of sex, be it oral, physical...

What it mean oral? - Mouth.

I like it in the mouth very much. But that's what we're talking about.

Women in America feel that any act of sex...

Yes - with somebody else, even if it's using your body...

Yes - your sexual organs, your mouth, your hand...

I like it mouth. - whatever it is, we think that's cheating...

Do I need to bring a gift?

Here's a mistake that a lot of men make in America,

that is they bring too many gifts.

What size gift will get me entry...to her...

Well, getting you entry... By, what do you mean by entry?

To her vagine

Oh, if you wanna go to bed with her? - Yes.

Well, I can't say because everybody's different.

How do I show her I have a senses of humour?

Well, you have to practice it first.

I have a joke. - Uhuh. There is a chair... - Uhuh

And the chair walk with his shoes.

la, la, la, la, la... he walk on the street.

Ha ha. The chair is walking. - Right, right

Yes. - Well, it's a funny image.

Yes. It is nice.

I should tell this joke? - Probably not.

My name is Borat. Your name, please.

Guinevere.

Should I tell her she remind me of my wife?

Do you have a wife?

She is dead.

Oh ok. Nobody wants to be reminded of somebody

who's dead. See what I'm saying?

Yes, I do not care about her, she is gone.

Yes, right, but once a person's dead,

you should really put that aside. - Yes, I know.

Yeah. Well, you probably look for some of the same qualities

you were attracted to in your wife? - No.

Same qualities that you liked in your wife

if there were some things that you liked about your wife?

Did you like some things about your wife?

No.

You remind me my wife.

My first...

my older wife. She...

Ok your previous wife. - Yes

Why you laugh she dead. - Ok.

What should I talk about with her?

Talk about the environment you're in,

talk about what she does for a living and about her.

I have now been one week without any sexy intercourse.

My rhum, my sac is heavy.

How old is your child?

How do I find if she will be a cheat?

Ok, or anything negative?

Yes, but...- Cheat you, take money from you?

No, not a criminal. A cheat.

A woman who go with another man.

Oh, screw around on you. Ok. Right. Mmm.

That's why you need to date her for a while before you get married.

You will come back my country? I will look after you,

I will give you money. I will give you automobile car,

a television remote control. We will be together.

But if you cheat on me I will crush you.

That's what I don't like either, I don't like men that cheat on me.

How do I know if she want me to take her?

Go to bed with her?

Sexy time, yeah!

If she wants to go to bed with you? How do you know that?

Well, when you kiss each other,

if you're kissing and petting then it just sort of goes naturally.

When do we have a sexy intercourse?

Whenever you both agree on that.

No, when do me and you have a sexy intercourse?

Me and you? - Yes.

Well, that's not gonna happen.

Do you wish me success tonight?

I wish you success in the future,

with dating and relationships

and I wish you the best. - Thank you

You're very welcome.

Also, jetzt bin ich hier mit Paul Wilmot.

Ok, great, I am here with Paul Wilmot.

He is the god of seating plans choosing which

celebrity goed wid who. - That's right?

Let's say I'm judge and jury and it's our job

to put the right people in the right seats.

So what is Paul Wilmot?

Well, I mean, I'm years of experience

in the fashion business. For about seven years

I was in charge of public relations for Calvin Klein

Wow. - for the whole world.

Let's talk about who are the in celebrities

and who are the out celebrities.

Er, if they are in, we go 'Whassup'

Yeah, you go Whassup and if they are out,

you go: Ich don't think so. And you go like that, ja?

So, I'll ask you the names, yes? So, Vassup

and Ich don't think so. So Jennifer Lopez?

Oh Whatsup. With a double Whatsup.

She's fabulous. -Vassup.

Vassup. She's a double.

What about Debbie Harry? Vassup or Ich don't think so?

Debbie Harry's having a second moment.

I mean, one year ago it was Ich don't think so,

now she has a chance to be Vassup.

Like Marianne Faithfull is having a vassup moment, too.

But was she Ich don't think so?

Absolutely, for twenty years...

She was Ich don't think so? - Ich don't think so for 20 years. Now, vassup.

Who else is Ich don't think so at the moment?

Celine Dion. Ash don't think so.

Let's just face it she's even talking about

doing a clothing line Ich don't think so

If you want to make sure that a show is classy

would you make sure that you do not have which celebrities?

Barbra Streisand Not to pick on her

but I mean.... - Barbra Streisand!

She would go to the opening of the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeiung

We're doing a charity as well,

we're doing a lot of things with kind of these deaf children

which we're really getting behind now.

Teaching zem about sexual responsibility and safe sex.

You can give zem a message?

Yeah, I mean

No, they can't hear you, they can't hear you.

Just like do something for them about safe sex.

Just how to keep safe sex.

But not with words, they won't be able....

Careful, just be careful!

You can do but no words, just...

Be careful be careful, don't do it, be careful.

Cool.

Do you need any more models?

Cause I am like Chrylser's muse in Austria

and... seriously... you know ze...

We don't need any male models. We've got about 40 of them.

Do you need another model? Would you like me to do?

Il demande si...parce qu'il est prêt de faire le mannequin.

I am Chrysler's, you know the designer Chrysler,

I am his muse. C'est la muse de Chrysler.

Il faut aller demander a Lloyd.

Ask him to Lloyd Klein over there.

Lloyd Klein, I just wanted to say, if you want, I am here.

You know who I am yeah? - Uhuh

Bruno. -Yes. - Chrysler's muse.

You know the designer Chrysler?

Oui. - Yeah, from Austria. I'm his muse.

Oh great. - I'm here if you want.

No I have other males model. They're here.

Yeah, but if you want, I don't mind,

I won't charge you or... - Oh great.

You want?

For the moment it's ok.

I'm doing the end bit with the underpants.

Can I borrow your underpants? - Like right now?

Yeah... like for the end

Yeah. - Ok great - Sure.

You wanna wear them? - Yeah yeah yeah, for the finale.

I need to wear them for the finale.

Ok, ok. - Yeah, he needs to wear them.

No Diggidy. Check it.

I is here.with my main man Governor Dick Thornburgh

who was former Attorney General and him is here

to explain to us about the law...

What is legal?

Most conduct that all of us engage in on daily basis is legal.

So what is illegal?

Illegal is what the elected representatives of the people

define as crimes.

What is barely legal?

Well that's when you get into technicalities

and that's why you have trials.

Cause me saw this film called Barely Legal 3

and it was about these two naughty college girls

and them hadn't done their homework

and then as punishment they had to have a three header

with their supervisor, this teacher.

Is that to do with the law?

Er, it's hard to say. That would probably be governed

by the rules of the college.

Yo, well in this institution it was very strict rule that

if you didn't do your homework you would get boned.

Right. Well, that's a law of sorts.

Yo, well it's a well good law. Has you seen that film?

Yes, no I haven't.

You should check it out. - I will now cause you've recommended it.

Yo, I mean, it's well good. It's like...- Barely Legal?

Barely Legal 3. - Good.

When is it legal to murder someone?

Never. Because murder is a defined term.

Murder is, means a wilful premeditated killing.

What if they call your mum a ho?

Is it alright to murder them then?

You can't... You can't use as a defence

any kind of verbal provocation. No.

What happens if they say your mum is a ho

and I know cos I has done it with her.

Then surely then you can pop a couple up their arse?

That would be a terrible thing to say but nonetheless

you can't take another's life for that kind of slander.

What happens if they said that about your nana?

Surely then you can just sort them out

and say Yo, you is gone.

That, what you said up to there was legal,

now it is illegal. Cussing my nana huh... is a slut?

It's terrible, terrible and you're pushing me,

But even at that, the law does not permit the taking of another's life.

What happens when the jury can't decide

whether the geezer should go down or not?

All bets are off, they have to try him again.

Hung jury it's sometimes called.

But surely the size of their dongs, whether they is hung or not

won't affect their judgment?

Well, er... I don't see the connection, what are you saying?

Well you are saying that if you is hung, you know,

if all the jury members is well hung...

No, that's a figure of speech, that's a figure of speech.

A hung jury is one that can't agree.

So it ain't...- It's nothing to do with their physical characteristics.

Oh so it ain't like 15 blokes who is like well packing down there?

No, I'm sorry, I should have made that clear.

What exactly is the law of cutting the cheese?

Cutting the cheese?

I dunno what they call it here.

You know, it's whoever smelt it dealt it.

I don't know if there's any law that covers that.

But is it is the definition whoever smelt it dealt it,

or is it whoever said the rhyme committed the crime?

Yeah, I understand what you're saying.

Criminal liability can attach to a person who does an act

The one who cuts the cheese.

A person who aids or assists the person

The one who smelt it.

Or the one who agrees on a plan to do the criminal act,

The one who dealt it. - the conspiracy..

So, there are varying degrees of responsibility.

What is the death penalty?

It's the most extreme penalty that can be imposed.

It is true you get a last meal for free?

Yes, that's normally the custom.

Can you order an all you can eat buffet?

I assume so.

But ain't the danger there that you can carry on eating forever

and they will never be able to kill you?

There's a finite limit to what you can eat

to prevent people from killing you.

I don't think that's a real risk.

Yo! So listen up to the words of my man here,

Governor Dick Thornberg cos you better learn the law

otherwise you is going down. You gonna be fried like chicken

unless you know how to keep legal.

Big up yourself. Keep it real - It's a pleasure. - Safe.

How come it is illegal to nick someone's tv

but not illegal to steal their girlfriend?

The television set is the property of someone else

But somebody's girlfriend is not their property.

But surely a girlfriend is worth much more than a telly

unless it's like er one of them plasma screen things with surround sound.

I agree with you. I think that's probably true.

But why don't the government h'introduce a series of penalties

say 'alright we is fining you 200 dollars if you kiss her joogy fruits,

we is gonna give you 3 months inside the can if you nibble her m and m's,

and we is gonna give you life if you take her up the Hershey highway.

I was Attorney General and my name is Meese.

I say go to college, don't carry a piece.