All language subtitles for Da.Ali.G.Show.2000.S01E01_eng

Booyakasha. Booyakasha. Bo, bo, bo.

West Staines in the house. Aii

Can you believe it
I is got me own show

and I ain't got a clue what to do,

I'd be shitting meeself
if I weren't so mashed.

Here's the dillio, channel 4
fought I was well good

on this batty show I used to do

at 10 o'clock or whatever
and they say listen Mr G

you got a month and 200,000 squids
to make a programme.

Man me is never had a better
four weeks in me life.

Me and the West Staines Massive
have been living it large in Amsterdam.

The girls is so friendly there,

I tell you I has never seen
ping pong played like that.

Respect girls. Respect.

In the show tonight we is
gonna be tackling some serious issues.

We all know there is a lot of killing
and blood shed out there in the ghetto.

I is seen it on the streets of Chertsey,
I is seen it on he streets of Eton Whick

and if we don't start
changing the way we think

Langley Village will be next.

In the next half hour
there will food for your head,

Food for your heart
and food for your beast.

Or for your punani if you're are a lady.

There is no sexualism
on this show thank you.

So we is gone all round the globe
in the search for realness.

First up I flew all the way
to the other side of the planet

to a place called France.
Check this.

I is come here to Cannes
that is in France

where the biggest pricks of the world
come to sell their films

and I is going to try
and raise 300 millions squid

for a little idea I have.
Piece of piss.

The film is called Booka
- Booka. Ok.

Do you like the title?
- What does that mean?

Booka is like the sound of when
you shoot someone. Booka.

This is going to be a film
that doesn't run away

from the real issues
of violence and drugs.

This is going to glamorise
drugs and violence

Its going to glamorise it?
- Aii for Real. - Real.

How much money do you need?

Well, and I ain't gonna
bullshit you and say you know,

a fake figure here
I ain't gonna undersell it or whatever.

But we is looking at 400 mill.

400 million dollars?

We is looking at a whole load of special
effects and all that kind of fing. - Oh

Is there room in here?
- There is now.

Is there room for about five of us?

Is there room for about five of us?
- No, no. no. next one

What? Is there room?

Is there room for about five of us?
- No

Let's look at the tape
and see what you got.

Ok, shall we go down to the room
and look at the tape

Ali G that's me

These are girls that I know,
we can use them

or we can chuck them out.
- Oh ok, this is two girls, good stuff.

As long as its not
just completely thrown in..

We probably need to show some more skin.

Yeah, we need. Well, we'll get.
I was trying to

get her to get her boobs out
but she wasn't interested

Well you'll have to find
someone who will

No we'll do that, no worries.

I is actually fucking that one.

No we're going to do the actual thing
in Jamaica

we didn't have the money
to fly out to Jamaica

I'm not exactly sure
like story here you know.

Aii, this is in Jamaica this bit.

I ain't using bullets
I'm doing that noise with me mouth.

This is fucking the bird.

We'll get here with her bra off.

Try usin that now!

Does you want to do the film?
- Who?- You.

Do I, what, right now?

I would. I mean I'd like to see
the full script before I commit to it.

Is you getting out the cash?

No, I'm not getting out the cash.

Ok listen, dere's one other film
that I've got,

Its about,
its called the crown

the story is this some
terrorists has got in to England

and they've is stuck a granade
up the Queens vag.

The Queens not going
to like that one very much

I don't think
it has to be up her fanny but

Aii well where would you put it?

I think just having her held hostage
and have a threat on her

would be show great importance

Ok, so where would you put the granade?

And Ali has got 48 hours to get it out

Its going to be really hard
to get the queen to agree to it.

No, I mean. I'm sure,

no disrespect to the queen at all.

Well thanks a lot it has been
a real pleasure to meet you

You're a nice young man

and you've got some good ideas and
I wish you all the best in the business

Alright well lets do some business

And lets talk as soon as I read this ok?

Ok, wicked, lets talk business

Alright you got it. - Wicked.
Respect.

On the decks, he the bomb
he the lick he the Mac

Daddy the butter flavour
layin down the beats

it DJ Tha4orce.

Easy now, what's up, brother?

(Tha4orce answers in Patwa)

Yeah I is feeling
very well, thank you for asking

It is now a great honour for me
to introduce me first guest tonight

libel case loser and totally disgraced

MP Neil Hamilton

She's fit innit?
She's one of me dancers.

She is well stretchy you know,

She can eat dinner at home
if you know what I is saying

So let's just sort this out.
You is the guy that was found

with an orange in 'is mouth and
with a stocking over his head. No?

There is slight
case of mistaken identity.

Oh ok so yo is the geezer
who went to Clapham Common

and shagged a Rasta.

My case is the one
which everybody now remembers

by the phrase brown envelopes

So what is this about the envelopes?

Well Mohammed Fayed,
you know he owns Harrods.

Aii.

He claimes he gave me
lots of cash

Do you accept that you
stayed at the Ritz Hotel?

Yes we did

Aii for real. And is it true
that they have little bottles in there

with shampoo and the conditioner?

Yes.

Did you use them? - Oh yeah.

Do you mean by conditioner
what I mean by conditioner

or is that something different?

Conditioner it is a thing,
let me explain it to you that

you put in your hair to make it look,

to make it look natural and everything.

People say that it is just
batty boys that use it

but it ain't it ain't at all and

I want to say tonight I use conditioner.

You know I will probably be killed
in the ghetto tomorrow for saying it

When you was in this room
did you wear one of them towels

that like goes all over
your body like a suit?

I don't think I did actually.
I wandered round in the nude

most of the time

Thanks for telling me that.

So when you got all these
accusation and him telling you

that he give you the envelope
and everything you must have

got loads of respect in the
House of Commons or whatever

for being the baddest gangster?

I mean I just want to say
respect to you.

I said get me the baddest gangster man

big him up:
Neil Hamilton.

Respect man.

So do you sign on now,
now that you ain't employed?

No that's something
which I never did

I for real is you ever
gone on holiday this year?

We are going on holiday.

Well you can get
one of your mates to sign on

while you is away.

So now you is unemployed
you must puff a lot more, what. Aii?

Yeah I go running in the morning
and that makes me puff

Aii for real, you know
what I is talking about.

You know a lot of interviews
you know on the tele

people just nattering all the time
they just don't chill you know.

Nice, lets just relax a little bit.

Sorry I is being very rude.

Respect.

Ok well, it has been beautiful speaking
to you, I just want to say massive respect

I just want to say thank you very much,
Nigel. Respect. Big up yourself.

I has rights, you have rights
even animals has rights.

So earlier on I got in two professors,
an animal rights activist

and a woman with a hedgehog

to ask them some questions.

We have an animal here
in the studio - shall we get it out.

What the fuck is that man?
What is that?

It's a hedgehog.
A little wild creature.

When they're afraid
they go into a ball

Ah that's wicked, that's cool

Now isn't that?
You like that now.

But like, after about five minutes
after they done that

why would you want to keep that?

Because they're a part of our heritage
to have wild animals

You're asking that question
as though the value of that animal

or a flower or anything
could only consist in,

could only be its value to you.

Ok. - Oii, that's funny I can eat it,

I'm getting a laugh out of that
or it makes a good football or whatever.

That would make a good football!

But that
- What, that is illegal?

Yes it is, yes it is
- It took a long time

What if a kid is poor and don't have enough
money to buy a good quality football

You can't buy..
That's very cruel

Liz, It is interesting because it's only
been in the last three or four of years

that it has been illegal for a child
to kick a hedgehog, because well,

hell, I like kicking hedgehogs.
- That's right.

I'm not talking about anyone
going boof.

But headers and vollies

They're little mammals,
to that extent they would feel pain

Well lets talk about people
who teach their pets

special things. Is that wrong?

Because me got this mate Dave,

him teach his pet to like go wicked

when he slap it.
It's an amazing thing to do.

The pet can go wicked, this little dog.

Michael, don't this guy this dog
that is being, just as little jab with

a fork or whatever, ain't it enjoying that?

I don't know what
you mean by a little jab with a fork

or whatever.
That rather worries me.

That worries me.

Well it don't hurt, it don't bleed
or anything like that,

and I ain't never done it.
But this is just a guy I know

Just a pin prick
as they say in the laboratory

Ok, is it wrong for people to do
experiments on animals in their own home?

Its wrong and unscientific

Cos we did a thing years ago
with this mouse

In this microwave, whatever,
to try about nuclear...

to do a nuclear test
to see if it could

survive the nuclear thing?
It did survive, it came out, it was hot,

but it was still alive.
Is that wrong?

Yes, its terrible. - Its appalling
- It's fiendish

So Mikey. Mikey has you ever
eaten the meat?

Oh no, I couldn't.

What happen if you had
like a big Mac here, really nice?

Did you say a Big Mac? - Aii.

I'd go straight out of that door! - Why?

A big Mac. I've never
set foot in a MacDonalds yet!

What happened
if there was the best best meat.

and the best, if you
don't like Big Mac, whatever.

the best Chicken McNuggets, whatever?

Chicken McNugget, you mean
that colonel that bogus colonel

No.
- Colonel.

What if it was free?

That makes no difference, does it?

No, no you have to think.

Yes or no, what if
it was free? - Of course not!

What if someone pays you a 100 squid?
I wouldn't.

What happen if they say
here is a chicken

you eat this,
or we kill another chicken.

The chickens going to
be killed anyway for you to eat.

Ali, you've just asked a question
which was the hardest question

that the toughest moral philospher
when I did philosophy

at university asked us.

Wicked. Ali G in the house.

Now everyone knows
that buying drugs is illegal,

but if you win them
then that is alright, innit.

That is why I has invented this game.

Now here is a bag of the
finest skunk that money can buy.

Look at it. Beautiful.

Courtesy of the
Amsterdam connection.

And here with a chance
to win it is Matthew Hines.

So, tell me Matthew,
is you nervous?

I'm a bit nervous, yeah.

Well you should have
had a smoke, innit.

Alight here's the first question
for a sixteenth.

An easy one to start.

Which one of these is the heaviest?
A) an ounce of hash

b) an ounce of feather
c) an ounce of lead or

d) they all weigh the same
- d) they're all the same

You fool, it's c)
the lead, think about it

for one second
birds flying in the sky,

lead drop,
the heaviest thing in the world.

(Listening to talkback)

What, but it sinks.
It sinks down the thing! But what about

like sparrows and things like that,
they'd fall down. Really?

It seems that you was right.

You has won
a Louis the sixteenth innit.

Now do you want double up
and go for an Henry the eighth

Or will you stick on dis.
I mean not even my Nan

could get mashed off her tits
on this.

No I'll, err, yeah,
I'll play for the eighth.

Ok for an eighth.

What do you do if you has got
some hash in your pocket

and you is stopped by a copper?

Do you a) say I is guilty I know,

I is done wrong
I is very, very sorry.

Do you b) take it out of
your pocket, tell the copper he has got

his shoelaces undone
and then stick it up you arse

or do you c) tell the copper
he is got his shoe laces undone

and then stick it up his arse,

or do you d) get out your AK
and blow him away.

You is going to go down anyway,
so why not go down in style?!

Remember you can ask
the audience, go 50 50,

Or ring your dealer

I'll go b

Suffer, sussed to the dust,
you is wrong!

You has been a total fool.

Well thank you very much
Matthew Hines for coming along.

Me said bo selecter.
After me get my 5 minutes

free view on the fantasy channel,

me feel relaxed enough
to flick around the other

foreign satellite stations.

That's where me saw dis geezer
called Borat

who on Kazaakstani television where he does

a guide to Britain.

I am here now with Lady Chelsea
to learn

how to be real gentleman.

Very nice to meet you.
Very nice. Yes

How can you tell
if someone is polite

when you first meet them.

You don't really.
I mean well perhaps

it's the way that they say hello
and shake your hand

Is the way I dress nice,
is it ok?

It's not a typically
English way to dress

And my shoes is a good?

Your shoes, yes that'sË
That's..

It is from Shoe Express
in Oxford Street

That's fine. Black, yes

And, err what do.
We will eat a dinner soon? - Lunch.

Charlotte, this is Borat.

How do you do, how do you do?

And Rodrick, Borat. - Hello.

Excellent. So we have a toast,
Borat, to Jenny.

A toast - Yes, yes, to Jenny
and to Television.

To Kazakhstan... And to the viewers.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Mmm, is nice!

You have wine,
you have wine in Kazakhstan?

The real idea if somebody gives you
a nice glass of white wine,

you should sip it, imagine you're making
love you don't want to do it to quickly

To make love? To have a sex?
- Now you're going to confuse him.

You don't make love too quickly

otherwise it's over too quickly.

Ah yes, I like to last a long time!

Perfect, well that's perfect.

Yes I do, I do.

And what er subject
do we talk about?

Anything really,
it depends who starts it,

I mean you could start off by...

Oh well anything that
comes into your head really.

Mmm, this is very nice.
My wife she is dead

Oh why what happened?

She die in a field

How, how? - Doing what?

She die from work,
but with a accident,

But is not important.
I have a new wife.

Is it ok to talk about
what I did last night?

Yes, as long as you
don't go into lots of details,

whether it be I don't know,
well yes, if you say

I went to see
a film last night, or

Last night I have a sex

I told you shouldn't mention
your...

what you did last night.

No never mention!

You said I can say
what I did last night

No, but you're too direct. - You can say,
you went to see a film

But it was nice she was a lovely.

And how do I say
I do not want to be rude

What if I need to do a toilet?

You just say:
Oh excuse me for a while.

Excuse me for a while.

Please excuse me.
I will go for a minute.

Yes certainly, certainly

Here he comes.

Thank you, sorry.

Would you like some more
potatoes and peas,

Because you haven't had any
meat, would you like some more?

Or we have pudding

Or do you want to have a Dessert,
a Pudding now? - Sweets?

Yes, dessert.
Thank you I had a good shit.

Well you didn't have any...

You can't say that!

You know when the Chinese say

they've had a good meal
they do a huge amount of

a horrendous gurkin
and burbing.

what they do a....
What is a gurkin?

It is when you go (burps).

High five, High five!

Goodness gracious me. - You do one!

No I can't do it. - I can't do it,

Oh my god,
that is absolutely outrageous.

Thank you, I can like that.

Thank you.

Oh you, you have
a nose, you've a big nose.

Er it was very nice
to have met you,

to have met you

Correct. Au Revoir
- Goodbye

I don't know whether
you know this but I is treasurer

of the national
campaign against Indie music,

But instead of fighting them
we is offering

to work with them.
So as a gesture of peace

we have none other
than Gaz Coombes

from a band called Supergrass.
Respect.

How are you, how you doing?

Very nice to meet you. Respect,
- Nice to meet you Ali.

Nice, so what type of music
is you doing?

I suppose its rock and roll.

And is you hoping to carry on
playing after you leave school.

I left school about five years ago!
- Aii for real?

I've had at least
4 number ones since then.

Now I ain't got much time
but cos I like you

I is gonna give you
a little bit of help.

First up, you gotta
shave those burns, man.

I mean no one has ever
got in the top ten

by looking like a monkey.

The second thing is just cos
your band is called Supertramp,

it don't mean
that you need to dress like a homeless.

I is gonna give you
the number of me uncle Jamal.

He can sort you out.

Is he a Supertramp fan?

No but he has dressed Apache Indian.

He will sort you out. Ok.
- Alright mate

Which is the track
that we're gonna work on today?

I'm having a bit of trouble with
Sun hits the Sky

Lets hear it and I'll just see
If I can add anything

help improve it a little bit.
- Yeah. Alright.

Ok. Respect,
this is Gaz from Supergrass.

I know a place
where the sun hits the sky

Easy now

Everyone's changed
as they turned out the lights

Ok I'm gonna add a bit of bass

Everyone knows
that my sun can't be tied

Easy now

Cos I want to live
where the sun meets the sky

Ok me gonna add
a little bit of drums

I am a doctor.
I'll be your doctor

A little bit of samples

Live for the right one,
be with the right ones

Or they'll hold you down
they'll turn your world around

Easy now, Gaz Coombes, easy now.
Me got the chicken, rock with the chicken,

vibe with the chicken
ho with the chicken,

eat with the chicken
rock with the chicken,

me got a nice bit of chicken

and me just want to say
thank you to all me guests tonight.

Wanna big them all up!

This going out to the
West Staines massive,

to the whole audience
to everyone out there

that has been keeping it real
to the whole of Great Britain,

Europe and to all the posse
in the whole of Berkshlre.

Respect. Big up yourselves.

Thanks for watching today.
I hope you have come

away with something
Together maybe we

can understand and only
then change the world.

I have a dream

of little black girls
and little white girls

playing with each other.

Lets make it happen.

Good night and Jah bless! Respect!