All language subtitles for Da.Ali.G.Show.(US).1x03.Politics

America's most wanted.
Have you seen this man?

(Police radio, sirens)

'Eagle, you're looking great.
Coming up nine minutes.'

Hear me now, you has got to be
well clever to run a massive business.

I has h'actually met Ronald McDonald,

at me cousin's
15th birthday party in Egham.

And him, even though
he dress like a total prick,

is h'actually a genius.

If 'im can be the 'ead
of a massive business so can I.

I's gonna find out 'ow. Check it!

I ain't never had an idea before.

How does you know
when you has had one?

Right. How do you know?
For a business idea?

I mean, like, I has had the idea
of, like, eating chicken

or switching on the telly
but I has never had an idea.

Right. A business idea?

- Well, whatever.
- Right.

If you had all the money
in the world, this is a good exercise,

and you could do
anything with this money

to make your life easier,
what would you invent?

Like... free bitches.

That... That is a good place to start.

- Always, like, up for anything.
- Right. OK.

And there's... That could be
a good business. Erm...

If me tell someone me idea,

how does I know
they ain't gonna nick it?

That's tough. People usually do.

Cos, like, when
the PlayStation one came out,

me was telling me Julie
what would be wicked

would be if they brought out
something that was better than this.

Right.

And two years later,
what come out? PlayStation 2.

How does you think
they got the idea from me?

Maybe Julie told 'em. I don't know but...

- Well, if she did then...
- And if she did, then...

- Yo, then that is serious.
- You have to talk to her.

- Cos there is something called trust.
- Absolutely.

I has got some business idea
that I wanna tell you about.

Very quickly.

What is the most popular thing
in the world?

- Music.
- No.

- Tell me.
- Ice cream.

- OK.
- Everyone has it.

And what is the problem with ice cream?

- I have no idea.
- It drips!

- OK.
- So me idea is what?

To make a drip-proof ice cream.

No. That's a fucking brilliant idea.

All right, whatever. You ain't
gonna come out with that though?

No, I promise I won't.

Me idea is to come out
with these ice-cream gloves

that make the ice cream
not go on your 'ands

and make it all well sticky,

- and also it keep your 'ands warm...
- OK.

...when you is eating the ice cream.

- OK.
- Is you in or is you in?

It sounds good and I hope
you make a lot of money.

It's been nice seeing you,
take care of yourself, OK?

Is you in on that?
We's got P Diddy is gonna be in it.

Good.

Here, here's an ice cream.

- Do you want me to eat this?
- No.

- What's my idea?
- Lay it on me.

The ice-cream glove.

- That C means you can't nick it.
- All right.

- Has you seen one of these?
- Sure.

- Everyone in school learns these things.
- Sure.

- Zen diagrams.
- Sure.

People who like ice cream.

- People who has hands.
- Sure.

What's this section here?

- That's our target market.
- OK.

Me did an intranet search for ice cream.

Me come back with 62... 6,121 result.

Me did an intranet search for the gloves.

How much results did me get?

325... 0... 113.

So you times those together,
what does you get?

This is just people on the intranet,
lookin' in.

203 zillion, whatever,

496 thousand,
four hundred and then a one.

Check this out - if all
those people bought one glove...

- Right.
- At $19.99.

- Right.
- Just one glove.

Business would be worth...

- Wait for it.
- I'm waiting.

That much. That is such a big number
I couldn't fit it that way.

That, in English...

How does we... promote this company?

- We promote it with the strongest image.
- All right.

All right, that's different.

(Ali) Naked woman on a 'orse.

Shaven or with, like, bush, whatever.

You know? Money talks, pubes walk.

(Chuckles) All right.

This may be... This may be
the worst idea I've ever heard.

I actually don't dislike the idea.

- Safe. Respect.
- But...

I don't dislike the idea,
you use it, you know.

It's not... There's something to it.

- This is not gonna happen.
- I has got another business idea.

Erm, OK, what is that?

What's this?

That is a skateboard. No.
It is a toothbrush. No.

- Don't be...
- OK. What is it?

Grow a brain. What is it?

- Me'll tell you what it is.
- Oh.

It's a hoverboard.

- I don't understand.
- It's a hoverboard.

- Has you seen Back To The Future?
- Yeah.

Has you seen the bit where they
jump on the board and it flies around?

- It's in the future.
- Yeah. Yeah.

That film must have been
about ten years ago.

No one has even thought
about making that thing.

But it doesn't do that.

It doesn't do it yet.
That's where you lot come in.

You come up with the science...

We don't do that. This is nothing.

It was... It's a film.

They must have used
the board from somewhere,

- they made one that worked.
- No. No, no.

So how did he jump on it
and fly all around, then?

It's called special effects.
How do they do anything in a movie?

Good luck.

You're gonna put on the glove
before you shake my hand?

Good luck.

(# East European folk-pop)

(Man) I'm gonna give you a premise,

- The premise is...
- Yes.

...that you are with a young lady.

- Yes.
- This is your second date.

Yes.

The second time
you've been out with her

and you are going
to propose marriage to her.

I have a wife in Kazakhstan...

That's even better,
that adds more of a conflict.

- But my wife will not allow it.
- This is... This is imaginary.

We're gonna make believe
that she will agree to it.

Ah, I will have time here with her!

- Yeah, that's right!
- Every time...

But you have to convince her
to come with you to Kazakhstan tonight.

- Yes!
- Whatever you need to do.

- But I have a wife.
- I...

This is not really gonna happen.

- Why not?
- Let's say you were in a movie.

Yes, I have been in a movie - Dirty Jew.

OK. Now when you were
in that movie, what part did you play?

I play the one, the hero, who shoot them.

- OK.
- Do you know, er... famous people?

I actually did a scene
with Claire Danes in my acting class.

You might not know her
but she's an American actress.

Is Freddie Mercury homosexual?

Is Freddie Mercury a homosexual?

I... I don't know
if I'm qualified to comment on that.

Er, now, the young lady
that you're doing the improv with...

- Yes.
...is Jennifer De Francesco.

Yes.

What we're gonna is, er,
we're going to do an improv.

- OK.
- He's married.

You're going to say,
"Hey, let's get it on right now."

OK. Erm...

- So, I've only known you...
- (Laughs)

- (All laugh)
- Nice.

I like. I like this.

- OK, stay in the scene.
- OK.

Hm.

So, I know you have to go
back home soon.

Yes.

But I was wondering if on your last night

we could have
a really special evening...

- Yes.
...together.

But they film this on a camera, my...

my wife will see this.

Yeah, well, we're just...
we're in a class, we're just...

- Yes. Ah, yes.
- We're acting.

You do not like me
but you touch me before.

Well, that's cos we were acting.

I thought there were
some excellent moments there.

- Er, so, Jennifer, thank you.
- Yeah. Thank you.

Thanks. Thanks. No. Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hello.

What will you be doing?

I will perform from, er, television show...

- Great.
...that I in in Kazakhstan.

- Locust.
- OK, great.

Yes, I come!

In ten minute.

Eight minute.

No, she cannot come.

She dead.

In the throat.

Yes, she good kid.

I like her, too.

I come. Yes!

(lmitating gunshots)

Hey, it's you! Let her go.

Why you take her?

She nothing to do with this.

You, me, was partner.

I am Locust!

(lmitates gunshots in slow motion)

(lmitates gunshots)

I, Locust.

Fuck to you.

You safe now.
You do not need worry about him.

(lmitates gunshot)

- Thank you very much.
- When will I hear?

Erm, you know, if we're
interested then we usually call.

(# Fast techno)

- Hello, how are you?
- I'm fine. How are you?

I'm very good. Tell me
about your latest fashions.

These are clothes for after 9-11.

A lot of clothes on the runway
are still from...

They're very pre-9-11.
They're SO pre-9-11.

- They're very September 10.
- They are, that's so true.

All my September 10th clothes
are in the closet.

Why don't they get everybody's
clothes they were wearing

from September the 10th or before

and put them in a massive pile

and just hire some terrorists
to just blow it up?

- That's a great idea.
- Do a September 12th face into camera.

A September 12th face, er...

is-is very inscrutable

because nobody knows
what's gonna happen next.

Show me the face. Do it.

- You don't know what will happen next.
- And do a September 10th face.

- The September 10th face was happy.
- Yes. Look into it.

September 10th face
was a very, very happy face.

Do it. No speaking.

What is September 13th face?

You mean it really happened?

Yes, it did happen.

Er, I wasn't dreaming,
it wasn't a nightmare.

Yes, September 11th did happen.

What about September 14th face?

- Oh, it goes on and on...
- Just do it.

September 14th?

What's gonna happen next?

We have a bit of a problem,

we can't get to speak
to the designer, Carolina.

- Could you pretend to be her?
- Where are you from?

From Austria.
They don't know a fucking thing.

You want me to talk
about the collection?

Also, jetz bin inc hier
mit Carolina Herrera.

I'm here with Carolina Herrera,
the designer of that crazy show.

So, Carolina, how was it all?

I thought it turned out
absolutely wonderful.

My vision this year
was to mix casual with very elegant.

It's an eclectic mix, very dichotomous

with very rich colours,
very beautiful fabrics

but mixed with cargo pants.

- I want to say, it's fantastic show.
- Thank you.

And why the nautical theme?

- Nautical?
- Er, the ships, the waves...

- I didn't have nautical.
- A bit of this, no?

No.

- Why not, why not?
- Why not?

Because I was in someplace else,
I was not in the sea.

- What did you think of the show?
- I loved the show.

What about the nautical theme?

The nautical theme
I wasn't too crazy about.

There were some pieces
I did like but it was a bit too much

cos so many pieces
were influenced by it.

Why do you think that she wanted

to push this ship
and ocean theme so hard?

Why she wanted to?

Maybe just cos we think of ships
as an escape away from land,

and the state of the country
has just been so distressed,

maybe she kind of thought of ships

as a way to get away
from all the craziness of here.

These people trying to get in
to the Marc Jacobs show.

He already told us he wants us to come.

We do the press. You're not on the list.

I know Marc. You look
at the list one more time

- and you will find...
- You're not on the list.

- Look again.
- I don't need to.

- Look at it, please.
- You're not on it.

Do you know who I am?

I've won two Österreichischer
Fernsehen prizes.

- I'm like Jesus in Austria.
- That's wonderful.

I'm prepared to do anything
to get in, and I mean anything.

- Try it.
- What?

- You're not getting in.
- I will give you the best head ever.

And I'm not even gay.

- You want me to blow you?
- No, please.

- Tickle your balls. You tickle my balls.
- No. No.

I will let you take me
in the scheissenpump.

This is my last offer.
You can fuck me von hintern.

You can take me up the schtinker.

- Yes or no? I'm not even gay.
- Hell, no.

What you have to do?

I'm supposed to be doin' some work,
I have to meet with Tony.

Bullshit.

I just got to get something out there...

Great to see you.
I haven't seen you for so long.

- How you been?
- I'm very good, thank you.

You remember we met
and we had a great time in Los Angeles?

- I'm sorry. I've met you before?
- Yes, we have met in Los Angeles.

Bruno, Bruno.

- Bruno...
- You remember?

I don't know.
I'm sorry, I think I know you.

Yes. Good to see you.

Wagwan, everything irie.

I is 'ere with my main man,
his name be Newt Gingrich

and 'im was the leader
of the House of Representatives.

- Is that right?
- Yes.

Do you think a woman
will ever be president?

- Absolutely.
- Ain't there a problem that if there is,

they is gonna spend all their time
on facials, shopping and new shoes?

If you said that to most women
you'd be surprised how tough they are.

But wouldn't the whole cabinet be,
like, Brad Pitt on defence

and George Clooney on 'ealth,
you know, cos him from ER

and you has all these other
good-looking geezers

and King Dong in the background.

Margaret Thatcher was probably

one of the three best prime
ministers of the 20th century.

But wouldn't there be a danger

that they'd fall in love
with someone bad like Saddam Hussein?

- No more than for a man.
- Yeah but women love bastards.

I don't have any...
I think that's just a stereotype.

No but I know from me experience

the worse you treat 'em
the more they want you.

He could be doin' bad things
to the US all the time

and it would just get her
more and more horny.

I don't think that kind of woman...

would be president any more
than a guy who's easy to push around.

People who get pushed around
don't get to be president.

But ain't there the problem that if
'e declares war she'll just start cryin'?

A woman who could be president
would be comfortable saying,

"If you want a fight
we'll do what it takes."

- Not if she was in love with him.
- Otherwise...

Treat 'em rough, you'll get your muff,
that's what they say.

I think whoever you dated is different

than the kind of people
who get to be president.

How does you make countries
do stuff you want?

Well, the way you deal
with countries in foreign policy,

I think that's what you're asking me...

- No doubt.
...is you deal with carrots and sticks.

But what country is gonna want carrots

even if there is, like, a million tons
of carrots you is giving?

Carrots, I'm not using that term literally.

You might offer foreign aid to...
money, OK? Money.

Money is better than carrots.

Even if a country love carrots

and that is, like,
their favourite national food,

- if they get given...
- Don't get hung up on carrots.

That's a figure of speech.

So would you ever send carrots?

- Is there any situation?
- No. No.

- What about in a famine?
- Carrots themselves? No.

Was it embarrassing
working as a secretary?

Did it have the same kind of stigmata
as being a male nurse?

I think... The word secretary
is used in different ways.

Why do you think politicians
use so many words

that young people
just don't understand?

Like "discussion" or "conflict"?

Only chi-chi men would use them words.

Oh, I don't think so. You'd find those
in high schools in America

and classrooms everywhere you go.

But surely if politicians used words like

holler, swallow back, check this out
all my peeps in your cribs,

all you mofos out there,

swallow this, booyakasha, wagwan,

then people would 'ear it
and understand, innit?

That's crazy.

You can't find me five people
in the entire country

who could understand
what you just said.

- That ain't true.
- Not five people.

I could find you five billion.

Cos of your jobs

you must know a lot of secrets
that happened back then.

It's been ten years.
I don't remember many of them.

What about Hillary Clinton?
Does she drink from the furry cup?

I don't know Hillary.

Does she eat from the bushy bowl?

I don't know anything about her.

If she does, just cough.

I don't know anything about her.

So is this your interview technique?

I was waiting to see if you coughed.

This is your interview technique?

This interview is over. The guy's an idiot.

- I can interview you?
- For what?

Österreichischer Jungenrundfunk.

- Erm...
- I'm from Austria.

- Just really quickly cos...
- OK, great.

So... Wait, let me go this side
because this side I look fat.

Wait a minute.

Just do more of me, right?
It's my show, it's not...

- All right?
- (Woman) We have to go.

You know, I sort of need to go.
Can we hurry?

- OK, right.
- Sorry.

(Woman) Do you wanna do this?

Really quickly you can ask me
a couple of questions.

OK, great. Er...

- Er, do I look fat?
- No, you look lovely.

- Yeah?
- Let's go.

So...

Er...

I've forgotten, I was...
Just say something. Anything.

Peeps, stay in college and off the crack

and big up yourself.