Original subtitles

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Boom, boom! Raatid!

Yo, this be Ali G.

I's from England, which is basically

a shitty version of America.

I's come here to Los Angeles,

or as it is known, the Big Apple,

to spread the "kah-nowledge"

and maybe even bone a Kardashian...

apart from Khloé, obviously.

Some fool out there say that LA ain't classy.

Well, if that be true, then how comes

I is sittin' in a Jacuzzi in the back of a limousine

with two girls who cost me 60 bucks each?

And this one over here said she'd play with me beast

and tickle me balls for another 20.

Go on, go, mas!

By the way, is there any way you could do it for 14?

Is there any way you could lend me six bucks?

1x11 - "Books"

Booyakasha.

Check it!

People has been reading books for millions of years.

But thanks to new technology,

now they is able to write them as well.

That is why I is off to New York to sell some book ideas.

Bo!

I has written a romance book.

The title is...

"A Kiss on the Lips."

Not those ones, you dirty devil. Normal ones.

Who knows hoes more than anyone else in the world?

Me.

This is written from a man...

who has boned over six bitches.

And nine if you include fingers and thumbs.

It's called "De Crown."

Story is this...

Some terrorists come into the UK...

and they manage to stick a grenade...

up the Queen's punani.

And, like, I's got 48 hours to get it out.

Now, I didn't quite hear what you said. Where's this bomb been hidden?

- In her poony. - That's a little bit off-kilter.

That's more of a thriller/espionage, and I do primarily science fiction.

All right, well, I can set it, like, on a spaceship.

Does you know how much money

the film "Lord of the Rings" has made?

- I have no idea. - Literally thousands of dollars.

Hundreds, millions of dollars.

Me is gonna write a book version

of the film "Lord of the Rings."

But there is a book called "Lord of the Rings."

The movie was based on a book called "Lord of the Rings."

Problem is, when bitches is reading it on the bus or in a library,

dem don't have the privacy to strum their own banjo.

You know, flick their own baked bean.

So, de answer is that this book

stimulate not only the mind...

but also de punani.

How? I'll show you.

It vibrate.

I would say this would be a first in publishing.

I've never heard of anything like this.

Here is the story.

It start off... President Bush

and his missus, Laura,

they is opening a swimming pool.

She sees the lifeguard.

She look at his face. Nice.

She look at his bling. Nice.

She look at his dong. Very nice.

We is all heard of World War II...

but did you know that a few years before dat...

was somefing called World War I?

Yeah, sure.

I's got new "introviews" with "Germansin" that

is gonna, like, throw a whole new light on the whole thing.

- Contemporary Germans? - No doubt.

They was students staying at my mate Ricky C's mum's house.

Me axed one of the girls if her granddad was Arnold Hitler.

You know, the one with the small 'tashe?

- Yeah, I know who Hitler is. - No doubt.

'Cause she had, like, a similar one on her...

So, me was chatting to her, and the moment me said it,

she get up, put her panties back on,

and I ain't never heard from her since.

Explain that.

You'd have to explain it. I couldn't explain it.

She speak like this, "I can't think like this!

Me husband is the most powerfulest man

in the whole world, probably.

The only reason 'im went and did that war with Iraq

was 'cause I made one comment

'bout what Saddam Hussein's cock must be like."

Interesting.

- Got one other book idea. - What is that?

I is gonna write...

President Bush's autobiography.

- You're gonna write his biography? - Autobiography.

Well, yeah, okay.

Why would he even consider listening to you?

Three words... five... thousand...

dollars... cash.

That means nothing to him.

All right, five billion dollars.

- Where are you gonna get $5 billion? - That's where you comes in.

- Is you up for handing over some cash? - Well, I think the most ad...

you're not gonna like the figure 'cause it's so low,

- Yo. - but at this point, the only figure...

the only amount I could possibly give you

is $50 to sign this book.

I'll take it.

Yakshemesh.

In Kazakhstan, country music very popular.

Dolly Parton, Johnny Cash, and Cyndi Lauper...

"Girls Just Want to Have [beep]."

I learn how to be country music star.

Jankooey.

Dance up to the middle and back.

- Step forward. - Come on, walk on up.

- And back. Come on back. - Go like that. Step backwards.

Back up, back up. Gotta move your whole body.

There you go.

Can I teach you Kazakh music?

- Yes. - Yes.

- We do dance with line very nice. - Okay.

First move is, how you say?

Go for a walk with your hands.

Yes, and next, beat the gypsy.

Uh, beat the gypsy.

How you call a man who do with another man?

- Homosexual? - Yes.

You walk like homosexual.

No, like this.

La... yes? Yes?

With a smile.

- Do you know Kazakh music? - No, I'm not familiar with it.

- Do you know Korki Buchek? - No.

He is number-one star. This song, "Bing Bang."

Good.

- You know this? - I do not know that, no.

Please, Mr. Wagoner,

can you teach me how to write country song?

I'll try. I'll tell you some tips that maybe would help you.

- It is story about my first wife, Oksana. - Mm-hmm.

♪ This a song about my wife before she die. ♪

- How did she die? - Uh, she die in a field. Um...

sh... bullet from a hunter.

- Because of... - An accident.

... of her size, he think she a bear.

- I see, all right, okay. - Because she have much hair on body, too.

Yeah, okay. Go ahead. Excuse me.

Uh, my sister make my family very proud.

- Should I write about her? - Sure.

She was... voted

by Almaty Chamber of Commerce as best sex in mouth.

She is number two or three prostitute

of country of Kazakhstan.

Well, that's wonderful. That's great.

- Yes, yes. - Because that's a talent, too, you know?

All right, everybody. Let's show 'em how we do it

here in Tucson, Arizona.

Please welcome, all the way from Kazakhstan,

they are Ba-rot and his Cowboy Astana Band.

Give 'em a nice round of hoot 'n' holler applause.

This song called...

It mean, "In my country, there is a problem."

Bear with me...

♪ In my country, there is problem ♪

♪ And that problem is transport ♪

♪ It take very, very long ♪

♪ Because Kazakhstan is big ♪

- # Throw transport down the well # - Come on!

♪ So my country can be free ♪ ♪ So my country can be free ♪

♪ We must make travel easy ♪

♪ Then we have a big party... ♪

♪ In my country, there is problem ♪

♪ And that problem is the Jew ♪

♪ They take everybody money ♪

♪ They never give it back ♪

♪ Throw the Jew down the well... ♪

- # So my country can be free # - # So my country can be free #

♪ You must grab him by his horns ♪

♪ Then we have a big party ♪

- # If you see the Jew coming # - Come on!

♪ You must be careful of his teeth ♪

♪ You must grab him by his money ♪

♪ And I'll tell you what to do... ♪

Everybody!

- # Throw the Jew down the well # - # ...Jew down the well #

- # So my country can be free # - # So my country can be free #

- # You must grab him by his horns # - # You must grab him by his horns #

- # Then we have a big party # - # Then we'll have a big party #

- # Throw the Jew down the well # - # Throw the Jew down the well #

- # So my country can be free # - # So my country can be free #

- # You must grab him by his horns # - # You must grab him by his horns #

♪ Then we have a big party. ♪

Thank you!

Wagwan.

Politics. Everyone has heard the word.

But what does it really mean? I don't know.

But the people round here knows.

Is Democracy all that?

I think one of the famous politicians, Winston Churchill,

once said that, uh... something like that,

"Democracy is the worst form of government except for all the others."

- That's right, absolutely. - And I think what he meant...

That's right.

- I think what he meant was... - Wicked, that's...

That's what he said. "It's the worst form of government

except for all the others."

- The others? - Others like dictatorships and totalitarian...

he was talking about Hitler and Stalin and sort of comparing what it

was like to live in these other systems that didn't have democracy.

But in England we don't have democracy and we do all right.

England is a democracy. You have democracy.

- It's just a little different. - You just carry it out differently.

- Well, does you live there? - I've lived there, in England.

- I've lived there, too. - Well, I's lived there all me life,

so I think me know a little bit more about this than you.

- Oh, you know a lot more. - Okay, I'm sure you do.

You know, like, did you know England is part of Great Britain?

- Yes. - Sure.

All right, where's the capital?

- The capital of which, of... - England.

Of England? London is what I thought was the capital.

All right. All right, so you does know your stuff.

- So, why does so few young people vote? - Part of it is that they don't...

either they don't believe that their vote matters,

they've got other things that they want to do with their time...

Wouldn't it be more betterer, instead of having a votin' age,

just sayin', "All right, if youse got pubes, you can vote"?

Uh, I... you know, I would be willing to try it

in some smaller way, first as an experiment

in something like that and seeing, if we did that,

would that... how that would work.

What does you think, Professor? Could you do that and just say,

"Yo, if youse got pubes, you can vote. If you can't, you ain't an adult."

Well, one of the questions is how do you prove that?

Well, I'll check the girls, a'ight.

Regardless of what anybody says about you,

when you reach 18, you can vote.

But why 18? As we say on the street,

"If there's grass on the pitch, let's play."

But that has nothing to do with you being responsible for yourself.

Does you not agree, "If there's fluff on the muff,

then she is old enough"?

I-I-I suppose, in some way,

if you're saying if a person is able to have a child...

does that person get to be able to vote?

Shouldn't clever people get to vote more times than stupid people?

'Cause I don't see any reason why I should get

the same amount of votes as somebody who's an "ignoranus".

I think that's a question

that has challenged people for hundreds of years,

and so, no, the answer to your question is "no."

Is it true that more people vote for the winner of "American Idol"

- than voted for the president? - All I know is that about half the people

who could vote for president vote and about half don't.

So, legally, should Ruben Studdard be president?

Okay, you have to remember, on "American Idol,"

you can sit there at your phone all day and call every second, okay?

It's not one vote, one person.

Does you think it's 'cause he's black

- that he ain't president? - No. - No.

- It's different being president. - It is much different,

and, of course, people in the entertainment arena

have become president... Ronald Reagan was a big Hollywood star and...

And it's just happened again. Arnold Schwarzenegger,

who was a big movie star his entire life,

he started out and ran for Governor of California.

- And weight lifter, too, remember? - I think youse got it wrong.

He probably played a role in a movie where he was a governor.

He didn't actually become a governor. They is... it's make-believe.

- Actually... - No, he actually did become a governor.

Just 'cause he plays a Terminator don't mean he is...

I used to think that he was the Terminator.

Then when I saw him in a different film,

in "Kindergarten Cop," me realized that, obviously, him weren't.

He is now Governor of California. Honestly, I'm not lying to you.

So, who's your guy that you hope is gonna get president now?

Uh, Kerry. John Kerry. I'm supporting him.

But ain't that ridiculous? I mean, he's a very good actor.

He was good in "Pet Detective," whatever,

but why should he have the right to be president?

- Just 'cause... - You're thinking about Jim Carrey, I think.

Well, whatever. You said Jim, we said John. Whatever.

John Kerry, different person.

- Different person. - Different person.

- I know it's a different person. - John Kerry.

His on-screen personality and him offscreen.

- No. - I'm sure he's into politics, whatever.

No, I'm not campaigning right now for anyone who has been in a movie.

20 years ago, women didn't have the vote, but now they is equal.

Does you think, in 20 years' time,

- animals will have the vote? - No, I don't think that.

- Why not? - It would be so hard...

to be able to prove that...

that almost every animal that we know about

could understand what they're voting about.

Wicked. Keep it real.

- Very fun, very fun. - Respect.

- All right. - Respect.

- Take care. - Respect.

- Respect. Respect. - Yo, respect. Sick.

Wait a sec.

Hello, who is this?

It's Arpo Collin.

- Harper Collins? - Who is this, Arpo or Collin?

It's Collin. What, you wants to offer me money

for the book that you is heard about me doing?

How much?

Two hundred thousand pounds?

What?

Yo, listen, I won't chat about it to anyone else.

I needs to decide right now, does I?

All right, give me one minute. I is just in the bath.

Safe, give you a ring back. Thank you.

Does you know who that was?

Another book person.

Yeah, but they wouldn't do that like that over the phone.

- Well, them did it. You heard it. - They... they...

- You heard it, the camera. - They would send a written contract.

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