Original subtitles

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♪ Here it is ♪

♪ Here it is, boy. ♪

Everything cook and curry, a'ight?

I is here in 'Ollywood, which is the place that has made

some of the bestest movies in the whole world,

like "My Baby Got Black 4"

and also "Big Phat Apple Bottom Bootys 2."

That movie is one of the rare occasions

where the sequel is actually better than the original,

in my humblest opinion.

False ripe and kibba yuh mouth, a'ight?

Respect.

1x05 - Business

Keep it real.

Hear me now. You's gotta be well clever to run a massive business.

I is actually met Ronald McDonald

at me cousin's 15th birthday party in Egham.

And him, even though he dress like a total prick,

is actually a genius.

If him can be the head of a massive business, so can I.

I's gonna find out how. Check it.

I ain't never had an idea before.

How does you know when you has had one?

Right, how do you know?

When... you say, "Wow."

You know, for a business idea, this is...

- I mean, like, I's had the idea for eating chicken... - Right, right.

- or switchin' on the telly or something... - Oh, of course.

- but I's never had an idea. - Right. For a business idea, right.

- Well, whatever. - Right.

You know, if you had all the money in the world...

this is a good exercise.

- Yeah. - And you could do anything with this money

to make your life easier. What's the first thing you would invent?

Like...

- free bitches. - That... that's a good place to start.

Who is, like, just up for anything.

Right, okay.

And there's, um... that could be a good business.

- Um... - If me tell someone me idea,

how does I know they ain't gonna nick it?

Um, that's tough. People usually do.

'Cause, like, when the PlayStation 1 came out,

me was telling me Julie,

"What would be wicked would be if they brought out something

that was better than this."

- Right. - And then, two years later, what come out?

- PlayStation 2? - Right, right.

How does you think they got the idea from me?

Maybe Julie told them. I don't know.

- But the fact is that... - Well, if she did, then...

And if she did, well, then, that's...

- Yo, then that is serious. - You're gonna have to talk to her.

- Yeah, it's very... sure. - 'Cause there is something called trust.

Absolutely.

I's got some business idea that I just want to tell you about,

- and I'd be a fool if... - Very quickly.

What is the most popular thing in the world?

- Music. - No.

Tell me.

- Ice cream. - Okay.

Everyone has it, and what is the problem with ice cream?

I have no idea.

- It drips. - Okay.

- So, me idea is what? - To make a drip-proof ice cream.

No. Oh, that's a [bleep] brilliant idea.

All right, whatever. You ain't gonna come out with that, though?

No, I promise you I won't.

Well, me idea is to come out with just, like,

these ice cream gloves that make the ice cream

not go on your hands and make it all well sticky

and also keep your hands warm...

- Okay. - ...when you is eatin' de ice cream.

- Okay. - Is you in or is you in?

Okay, well, it sounds like a good idea and I hope you make a lot of money.

Good luck, folks. It's been nice seeing you.

- You take care of yourself, okay? - Is you gonna be in on that?

Well, it sounds like an interesting idea.

We has got, like, P. Diddy is gonna be in it.

Good.

Here it is, ice cream.

- Do you want me to eat this? - No.

No, okay.

- What's the matter there? - Lay it on me.

The Ice Cream Glove.

That's a C, which means that you can't nick it.

All right.

- Is you seen one of these things before? - Sure.

Everyone in school learns these things.

Sure.

- Zen diagrams. - Sure.

People who like ice cream. People...

who has hands.

Sure.

What's this section here? That's our target market, isn't it?

- Uh... okay. - We did an Intranet search for ice cream,

and we come back with 62, 6,121 result.

We did an Intranet search for the gloves.

How much results did we get?

325, 0, 113.

So, you times those together, what does you get?

This is just people on the Intranet looking in.

203 zillion whatever,

496,400 and then a one.

Check this out. If all those people bought one glove...

- Right. - ...at $19.99.

- Right. - Just one glove.

Business would be worth...

- wait for it... - I'm waiting.

That much.

That is such a big number, I couldn't fit it that way.

That, in English... $34.6 million billion.

How does we promote this company?

We promote it with the strongest image.

All right. All right, that's different.

Naked woman on a horse.

Shaven or with, like, bush, whatever.

You know? Money talks, pubes walk.

All right.

This may be the worst idea I've ever heard.

- I actually don't dislike the idea. - Safe, respect.

You could use it, you know.

It's not... there's something to it.

- This is not gonna happen. - I's got another business idea.

Um, okay, what is that?

- What's this? - That is a skateboard.

No, it is a toothbrush.

- No. - Don't be...

- Okay, what is it? - Grow a brain. What is it?

- Well, I'll tell you what it is. - Oh.

It's a hoverboard.

I don't understand what you mean.

It's a hoverboard. Is you seen "Back to the Future"?

Yeah.

Has you seen the bit where they jump on the board

and it flies around?

- Yeah. - It's in the future.

- Yeah. - That film must have been about 10 years ago.

- No one has even thought about makin' that thing. - Mm-hmm.

But it doesn't do that.

It doesn't do it yet. That's where you lot come in.

- You come up with the science. - We don't do that.

This is nothing. It was... it's a film.

- It's a story. - Well, they musta used the board from somewhere.

- They made one of them that worked. - No, no, no.

So, how did he jump on it and fly all around

- and do all the chases, then? - It's called special effects.

How do they do anything in a movie?

Good luck.

You're gonna put on the glove before you shake my hand?

Okay, good luck, man.

I'm gonna give you a premise.

- The premise is... - Yes...

- that you are with a young lady... - Yes...

- This is your second date. - Yes.

The second time you've been out with her.

Yes.

And you are going to propose marriage to her.

I have a wife in Kazakhstan.

And that's even better 'cause that adds more of a conflict.

But my wife will not allow.

This is imaginary. She doesn't have to agree to it.

We're gonna make believe that she will agree to it.

Ah, I will have time here with her.

Yeah, that's right. That's...

- Yes, every time. - ...that's exactly.

But you have to convince her

- to come with you to Kazakhstan tonight. - Yes.

- Yes. - Whatever you need to do.

- But I have a wife. - This is all... I...

This is not really gonna happen.

- Why not? - Let's say you were in a movie.

Yes, I have been in a movie... "Dirty Jew."

Okay, now let's say... when you were in that movie...

- Yes? - ...what part did you play?

I play the one who... the hero who... pfft... shoot him.

- Okay. - Do you know famous people?

I actually did a scene with Claire Danes in my acting class,

but I don't think you know who she is.

But she's an American actress.

- Is Freddie Mercury homosexual? - Is Freddie Mercury homosexual?

I don't know if I'm qualified to comment on that.

Uh, now, the young lady that you're going to be doing the improv with...

- Yes? - ...is Jennifer De Francesco.

- Yes. - What we're gonna do is...

we're going to do an improv.

- Okay. - Okay, he's married.

- Mm-hmm. - You are going to say,

- "Hey, let's get it on right now." - Okay, um...

- so, I've only known you... - Nice.

I like, I like this.

- Okay, stay in the scene. - Okay.

So I know you have to go back home soon.

Yes.

But I was wondering if, on your last night...

we could have a really

- special evening together. - Yes.

But I feel this on camera...

my wife will see this?

No, we're... we're just... we're in a class.

- We're just... we're acting. - Ah, yes.

You do not like? But you touch me before.

Well, that's 'cause we were acting.

I thought there were some excellent moments there.

- So, Jennifer, thank you. - Yeah, thank you.

- Thank you so much. - Thank you.

Thanks, thanks. No... thank you.

- Hi. - Hello.

What will you be doing?

I will perform from, uh, a television show

- Great. - that I in Kazakhstan, "Locust."

Okay, great. Yes, I come.

In 10 minute.

Eight minute.

No, she cannot come.

She dead.

In the throat.

Yes, she good kid. I like her, too.

I come. Yes.

Hey, it's you! Let her go!

Why you take her? She nothing to do with this.

You, me was partner. I am Locust.

I Locust.

[Bleep] to you.

You safe now.

You do not need worry 'bout him.

- Thank you very much. - When will I hear?

Um, you know, if we're interested, then we usually call.

Wagwan? Everything Irie.

I is here with my main man. His name be Newt Gingrich,

and 'im was the leader of the House of Representatives.

- Is that right? - Yes.

Do you think a woman will ever be president?

Absolutely.

Ain't there a problem that if there is a woman president,

they's gonna spend all their time on facials,

shopping, and getting new shoes?

I think if you said that to most women who could be president,

you'd be surprised how tough they are.

But ain't you worried that the whole cabinet

would be, like, Brad Pitt on Defense and George Clooney on Health...

- you know, 'cause him from "ER"... - Yeah.

and, you know, you's just got all these other good-looking geezers

- and King Dong in the background? - We've already been through it before.

As I said, Margaret Thatcher was probably one of the three

best prime ministers of the 20th century.

But wouldn't there be a danger that they'd, like,

fall in love with someone bad like Saddam Hussein?

- No more than there is for a man. - Yeah, but women, they love bastards.

I don't have any... I think that's just a...

- I think that's a stereotype. - No, but I know from me experience,

the worse you treat 'em, the more they want you.

And he could be, like, doing bad things to the US all the time and shit.

It would just get her more and more horny.

I don't think that kind of woman...

would get to be president any more than some guy who's easy to push around.

People who get pushed around easily don't get to be president.

But ain't there the problem that if he declares war,

she'll just start crying and everything?

The kind of woman who would rise to be president,

I think, would be very comfortable saying,

"If you really want to fight, we'll do what it takes."

But not if she was in love with him.

- Well, I mean, I think... - Treat 'em rough, you'll get your muff.

That's what they say on the street.

I think you, uh... I think whoever you dated is probably

different than the kind of people who get to be president.

How does you make countries do stuff you want?

Well, the way you deal with countries on foreign policy issues...

- I think that's what you're asking me... - No doubt.

...is you deal with carrots and sticks.

But what country is gonna want carrots?

Even if there is, like, a million tons of carrots that you's givin' over them?

Well, carrots... I'm not using that term literally.

You might offer foreign aid to a... money, okay? Money.

Ah, money is better than carrots. Even if a country love carrots

and that is, like, their favorite national food,

- if they get given billions of tons... - Well, don't get

Don't get hung up on carrots. That's just a figure of speech.

So, would you ever send carrots?

- You know, is there any situation? - No, no.

- What about in a famine? What about in a famine? - Carrots themselves? No.

Was it embarrassing working as a secretary?

Did it have the same stigmata as being a male nurse?

Well, I think it was... the word "secretary," of course,

is used in different ways.

Why do you think politicians use so many words

that young people just don't understand?

Like "discussion" or "conflict"?

Only chi-chi men would use them words.

No, I don't think so. I think you'd find those

in your high schools in America and classrooms wherever you go.

But surely if politicians used words like "holla,"

"swallow back," "check dis out," "all my peeps in your cribs,"

"all you mofos out there," "swallow dis,"

"booyakasha wagwan,"

then people would hear it and understand, innit?

That's crazy. You can't find me five people

in the entire country of America who could understand what you just said.

- That ain't true. - Not five, not five people.

About... I could find you five billion.

'Cause of your jobs, you must know

a lot of secrets that happened back then.

Well, it's been 10 years ago. I don't remember very many of them.

What about Hillary Clinton? Does she drink from the furry cup?

I don't know Hillary. I don't know anything about her.

But does she eat from the bushy bowl?

I don't know anything about her.

- If she does, just cough. - I don't know anything about her.

So, what's the deal? Is this your interview technique?

No, I was just waiting to see if you coughed or not.

This is your interview technique?

This interview is over. Let's cut.

The guy's an idiot.

- I can interview you? - For what?

Österreichische Junge Rundfunk.

- Um... - I'm from Austria?

Just really quickly 'cause

- I'm trying to get out of here. - Okay, great, okay.

So, wait a sec. Let me just go on this side

because this side, I look really fat. Wait a moment.

Wait a minute.

Yo, yeah, do more of me, all right?

It's my show, it's not what... whatever. All right.

I'm gonna have to ask you guys. Can you guys get going?

You know, I need... I sort of need to go,

- so can we hurry? Sorry. - Okay, right.

Do you want to do this, Sophie?

- Really quickly, you can ask me a couple questions. - Okay.

- But I have to go home. - Okay, great.

Uh...

Wait... do I look fat?

- No, you look lovely. Let's go. - All right, yeah? Okay.

So...

Uh...

I've forgotten it. Just say something.

Something, I don't know.

Peeps, stay in college, off the crack

and big up yourself.

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