Original subtitles

Enter

Excusing me please lady

Yes, what is it?

l am coming here for to be learning the English

- You're early - Oh no, I am Ali

May I beg your pardon?

My name is Ali. Ali Nadim

I am coming here for to be learning the English

Yes, yes! You wish to join our new class

- English as a Foreign Language - Yes please

And I am hopping to be unrolled

Hopping to be unrolled?!

Like it say in your sillybus

- You mean you're hoping to be enrolled - That is what l said, 'hopping to be unrolled'

I'm afraid you cannot be unrolled... enrolled until the English teacher arrives

She should be here in a few minutes

In the meanwhile, perhaps you'd care to wait in the classroom

Just go down the corridor, turn left at the bottom and wait in room number five

- Understand? - No

Well let start again

- You go down the corridor - Down corridor

Good

- Turn left - Turn left

Right

But you are confusing me

- Left or right? - Left

Look! You just go down the corridor, turn left and wait in room five! Room five!

- Now I am understanding you. Room five - Yes

Jelly good, Thank you

Oh dearie me. I am not going where I am looking

No, no! I wasn't looking where I was going

That makes the two of us! Excuse me, sorry.

Enter

- Mrs. Courtney? - Miss!

Oh sorry! l'm your new teacher Jeremy Brown, B.A. Oxon

- You're a man - Yes

This is most unsatisfactory! This won't do at all

l assure you my credentials are impeccable

Academically perhaps, I'm talking about sex

l also assure you that my morals are perfectly respectable too

l'm referring to the fact that you are a man

I distinctly requested the Local Authority to send me a woman teacher

Especially after the unfortunate incident involving Mr. Warburton

- Mr. Warburton? - Yes

He was teaching English to foreign students last term

l'm afraid he only lasted a month, then he departed

- Dead? - Demented

Yes, the strain was too much for him

Typical of the male sex! No stamina

Always seemed to be able to cope at first, but one day he just snapped

- lt was really quite disgusting - Really? What did he do?

Climbed out of the classroom window and on to the roof

Took all his clothes off and stood there stark naked

Singing "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts"

How distressing! Well, there's no need to worry on my account

l'm not likely to climb out of the classroom window

l know you aren't

- Thank you for your confidence - lt has nothing to do with confidence

We've had the window frames nailed down

How very thoughtful! Well, I would appreciate the job Mrs. Courtney

- Miss! - Miss Courtney

l am qualified and I rather do need a job! What with the economic situation and inflation...

Alright, there's no need to whimper!

- You can start immediately - Thank you

- On a month's trial - Thank you

- If you last that long - I'll do my best

Where will l find my students?

- Class five down the corridor and turn left - Right

l'm looking forward to meeting them! l'm sure we're all going to get along extremely well

Good evening

Good evening

Quiet please!

Silence!

l am pleased to meet you all

We are also please to be meeting you

- l am Brown - Oh, no

- You are committing a mistake - Mistake?

Yes please, you are not brown! We are brown! You are white

My name is Brown! I'm your teacher

- Ah, you Professore (professor) - Yes

Silenzio! (silence)

Thank you

Right, would you all like to sit down! Sit down!

Right, I'll just take a note of all your names, nationalities and occupations

- Por favor, Senor (please, Mister) - Yes

Es la primera vez que vengo (this is the first time I come)

Es esta La clase para aprender Ingles? (is this the class to learn English?)

Well, I'm afraid the faintest idea what you're saying

But l'm sure you're not trying to find the needle-work class

- Por favor? (please) - lt doesn't matter! Have a seat!

- Por favor? - Sit down

Ah, si (yes)

- No, not there - Por favor?

There

Right! I'll just go round the class and take your names

Yes, what is your name?

Maximillion Andrea Archimedes Papandrious

Yes, I'll just put you down as Max

- I take it you're Greek? - Is right! From Athens

- Good and what is your job? - I walk with sheeps

You walk with sheeps?

- A shepherd! You work on a farm? - No, no, no! Not farm

- But you said you work with sheep - No, no! Sheeps. Big sheeps

- Ah, ships - Yes, Sheeps, Tonkers

- Tonkers? Ah, tankers - Right

- l work in office - Thank you

- And your name? - Anna Schmidt! German au pair

- Ah, the usual German efficiency - Germans are always efficient

Not so

Japanes much more efficient

Nein (no), Germans are the best

Japanes make much better television and do cameras

Please, please, let's have no racialism

ln this class, all are equal

- Your name? - Giovanni Cupello! ltalian

- Where do you work? - l work in a Ristorante dei Populi

- A waiter? - No, not a waiter. A cook-ada

- A cookada? - Si (yes), I cook-ada raviolo, daspaghetti...

I cook-ada everything

- A chef - Ok

Your name?

What is your name?

Me, Jeremy Brown! You?

Max, Anna Schmidt, Giovanni Cuppello! You?

Yes, yes, write your name down! Good, good

No good! I need your name in English

- No Urdu? - No Urdu

Certificate of registration! Jamila Ranjha! Housewife

Thank you

- And your name? - I'm Ali Nadim! From Lahore

I am working at the moment not anywhere at all

- You are unemployed? - Yes please

Only one day a week, I am working

And what do you do then?

l am going to the unemployment exchange for to be collecting my money

Oh blimey! I get more money for not be working than when I'm working

And before you discovered this secret of eternal wealth, what did you do?

Blimey, I worked at the Taj Mahal

- ln Delhi? - Oh no, Putney

The Taj Mahal Tandoori Restaurant

Jolly good chapatti and popadom

A thousand apologies for my lateness

The omnibus was going backwards

I'm sure there must be a more logical explanation

lt is the absolute truth! l was told to be talking a number 27 omnibus

And I complied, but it went in a backward direction

No I think you meant it was going the other way

That is the gist of what l am saying! A thousand apologies

lt's all right! Perhaps you'd like to sit next to Ali, your countryman

I can't sit there! It's impossible!

Why is it impossible?

- I am Sikh - Oh dear

I hope it's not contagious! Perhaps you ought ot come back when you're better?

I do not comprehend the gist of your conversation

You said you were sick

155a No, no, no, I'm not referring to my physical state of mind

- How do you feel about Roman Catholics? - I treat them like my brothers

Good, go and sit next to Giovanni

- Barbarian - lnfidel

Gentlemen please! You are here to learn English not start a holy war

- What is your name? - Ranjeet Singh

- And from which country? - Punjab

Good, what is your job?

I'm a very important member of the British underground

- Underground what? - Just the underground

Mind the doors!

Oh, that underground

- And your name? - Taro Nagazumi

My name card! Japanese

Reprensentative of Bushedo Electronics

- Vely good! Very good

- And finally your name? - Por favor

- Your name, what is your name? - Por favor

- Nome (name in Italian) - Ah nombre (name in Spanish), si

Juan Cervantes para Seville, senor

- No need to ask what nationality you are - Por favor

- Spanish - Por favor

- What is your job? - Por favor

- Trabajo (job in Spainish) - Ah trabajo, si! Tree lagga

- tree lagger? you log trees? - 1 Jeentonic, 2 whisky, coka tree laggers

- Three lagers - Si

- You work in a bar - Si, si, bar... bar

- Well, Mr. Brown? - Yes thank you

Apart from one attempted murder and a possible race riot

I think we're coping reasonably well

Well, what I really came to inform you about was the registration fees for the students

Now, it's 5 pounds per head!

I'll be grateful if you would collect the money and bring it to my office in your tea break

Right, I'll do that

Well, we have one thing to be grateful for anyway

Sex won't be rearing its ugly little head

I beg your pardon?

Well in my experience, it isn't race or religion that causes problems

lt's usually the presence of some foreign beauty

Jealousies, intrigues all that sort of thing

Yes, well looking at my class, l don't think we'll be too bothered with anything like that

I come to learn English. Have I come to the right place?

Enter

- Mrs. Courtney - Miss!

Miss! I've just brought the registration fees for the students

- Good! Now how many students have you? - Nine

- So there's should be �45 in there - Well that all depends on the rate of exchange

l don't quite follow you

Not all of them had �5 in English money

So I collected �29.50 in Sterling and the rest is made up of 2000 yen, 3000 lira

250 pesetas, 75 drachmas, 50 francs and 12 deutchmarks

According to this morning's financial paper, that should give us a profit of �1042.5p

Then I suggest you take it to the bank in the morning and convert it into English currency

Right, I'll do that

- By the way, how's the femme fatale? - Ah, yes! Danielle

At the moment, she's in the tea room with ltaly, Spain and Greece

Trying to establish diplomatic relations

- I hope she's not going to cause any bother - Oh no, I'm sure she won't

- Look, I am going to sit-a here - No, it is me who is going to be sitting here

- Before, you were sit-a over there - And before, you were sitting over there

- You take it on me? - Who, me?

You go back and sit where you were before

- No, I sit here - You not sit here

- Who's gonna be stopping me? - Me!

- Huh! - Huh! Yourself?

218a You think you're tough! Come outta side!

Hokay

- Where are you going? - We go outside to have a punch down

You mean a punch up

I'm going to... how you say 'knock his bloody block off'

We see who's bloody block is-a knockered off

- Now just a minute! What is this all about? - I tell you Mr. White

- Brown! - Scusi (sorry), it's about where we sit

What's wrong with where you're sitting before?

It's my eyes Professore! I gotta sit nearer the front

Here

I see, and I suppose it's got nothing to do with the fact that Danielle is sitting here too

She is?

I never noticed

You see it's-a my eyes! I'm a little short-a sighted

And also a much bigger liar

- It's not true Mr. Green - The name is Brown!

You see! I'm a colour blind as well

And Max, I suppose you've got trouble with your eyes as well

No, no, no! My eyes are hokay! It's my hears

- I am not hearing very well - That's a likely story

What you say?

I say you both go back and sit where you were sitting before. Now!

I hope you don't think I was... how you say 'too forward'

No, no! I'm sure you weren't in any way to blame at all

Teacher please!

- Mr. Brown - Yes

Please forgive my lateness! I apologise but I lost my way

Not to worry! What is your name?

- Chung Su Lee - Su Lee

- Where are you from? - Democratic Republic of China

- And what is your job? - Secretary! Chinese Diplomat

Very nice

Right! Where shall we put you?

Taro! How are relations between Japan and China?

Depends on political viewpoint!

Japan light wingo, China reft wingo

I see! Are you light wingo or reft wingo? Right or left?

l follow teaching of Chairman Mao

In that case, You'd better sit next to Jamila, the lndian lady

- Alright? - Thank you

Right, now we will start by learning a few basic English verbs

And firstly, we will take the verb 'to be'

- Ta be - To be

I am English, you are Chinese. He is ltalian! She is French.

He is barbarian

And you are asking for a kick up your big brown backside

Pay attention please!

- I am - I am

- You are - You are

- He, she, or it is - He, or she or it is

- We are - We are

- You are - You are

- They are - They are

Now I'll go round the class and ask you each to give me a sentence using the verb 'to be'

Taro, 'I am'

- 'I am' very happy to be learning English

- Very good! Giovanni, 'he is' - 'He is-ada' fool

Good, but not isada! 'He is' a fool

Yes he is a fool!

Max, 'she is'

'She is' beautiful! 'She is' wonderful!

- 'She is...' - Yes, yes, thank you Max! That will do

- Juan, 'it is' - Por favor?

- 'It is' - Por favor?

'It is' raining

Lloviendo (raining in Spanish) 'It is' raining

'It is' raining

- We'll skip you for the moment - Por favor?

It doesn't matter! Sit down

Su Lee, 'it is'

'It is' duty of every citizen to overthrow lmperial Warmongers

So say Chairman Mao

Yes, well that's his opinion! Good, good

Danielle, 'we are'

'We are' lucky to have such a good handsome teacher

Quiet please! very true, I mean Thank you

Ali, 'you are'

- 'You are...' - 'You are' waiting for me to speak an answer?

Well done!

Unfortunately, I am not understanding the question

I want you to give me a sentence using 'you are'

I am

No, not 'I am', 'you are'! For example you are from Pakistan

- I am from Pakistan - Good, but now use 'you are'

But l cannot say you are from Pakistan because you are not, are you?

- Repeat after me, 'you are English' - No, no! I'm from Pakistan

- What am I? - You are confusing me

You are stupid poof

- Don't you call me poof - Poof

Sit down please! Quiet!

There's really not much more we can do, until you all get your text books...

as I'm telling you about, but I would like you to do is some homework

Alright, I want you to write me an essay

A short story about your life here in England

The things you do, the things you like

I'll see you all on Wednesday

Ah, Mrs. Courtney

- Miss! - Miss

I've just dismissed the class for tonight!

I think we've just covered all we can for the first session

You look a trifle under the weather

- Job getting you down already? - No, no I'm fine! Never felt better

- There's just one thing though - Yes?

That window you nailed down! The one Mr. Warburton climbed out of

What about it?

l think we ought to put a few more nails in it, just to be in the safe side.