All language subtitles for The.Threesome.2025.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264

- Alright, ladies
and gentlemen,

please join me in welcoming

the new Mr. and Mr. Greg
Demopolis and Matthew Kang.

- I'm genuinely
excited to hear why

you're the sole person
already eating dinner.

- I have to go back to work.
I drew the short straw.

- Can't leave before
the best part.

- That's why I'm
eating it now.

- I'm about to give my toast.

- Hmm.

Good for you.

- I get it.

You have your makeup on.

You don't want to
cry before work.

- I hope you wrote jokes
as funny as the idea

of me crying at your toast.

- Only one way to find out.

But then came Matthew's
new assignment,

18 months in Omaha.

- Woo!

- Where he apparently
made exactly one friend.

I got home to find Greg on
the floor of our living room

trying not to freak out,

listening to a
Dalai Lama YouTube,

which wasn't really helping

because the Lama's never
even had a boyfriend,

much less cross state
lines to live with him.

Now, Greg was terrified

that Matthew would learn
exactly who he really was,

and not just
trivial stuff like

how he makes up random facts

like Mark Twain
inventing the bra strap.

- No, he did.

He literally did, and he
invented standup, Google it.

- So, I said to
Greg, stay with me,

stay here, and don't worry

about getting
your heart broken.

'Cause if there's one
thing I know about Greg

is that he will always
do the exact opposite

of what I suggest.

So, Greg was in
Omaha the next month,

and the rest is history,

which I think proves
what I've long believed.

That Dalai Lama sucks.

Or instead,

a heart that's afraid to break

is a heart that's never used.

To Greg and Matt.

- To Greg and Matt!

- My baby boy has
come to visit!

- How was the honeymoon?

- Dude, I'm a tapped keg.

- Remember like the
beaches, the food,

the rich Cuban culture.

- You son of a bitch.
- What?

- I thought that you
were here to see me.

- I am here to see you.

- Okay, you know
what I want from you?

I want you to accept what you
have with Olivia, all right?

You guys are
friends, friends-ish,

friends adjacent,
ex-coworkers.

These are all really special
beautiful categories.

And as much as I fucking
try, no one can take away

that little drunken hump
sesh that you two had.

- Look, I don't care
for your tone, Greg.

And it was one drunken,
love-making session.

- Did you come when
you had sex with her?

Because I don't hear
any post-nut clarity.

- Connor, God, I
hate to be blunt,

but it's time to throw
in the towel, honestly.

Greg is a married man
now, you need to move on.

- I don't give up that easy.

- Even when I'm
literally begging him to.

- So, your toast
was a hit, huh?

- It was all right.
No, it was good.

- You hook up with anyone?

I mean, that's how you
know if it was good.

- I mean, it was
a gay wedding.

- And straight single girls

famously can't
stand gay guys, so.

- Yeah, not this gay guy.

- They actually find
me really offensive.

- Yeah, but only
half the guests were yours.

- All I'm hearing is this
is your own special way

of saying you're
happy to see me.

- Really, is it?

- And please keep in mind,
the customer is always right.

- And please keep in mind,

you're Greg's
customer, not mine.

Thank you.
- Yep.

- Bye.

- Listen, buddy, I know it
feels really romantic to pine,

but it is a super
short walk to creepy.

- What'd you do, bring the
whole house in your bag?

Hey.

My hands are dirty.

I'm gonna go wash
them real quick.

I'll be right back.

Can you give us some
breadsticks? Thank you.

- What are you doing here?
- She insisted on coming.

- Really?
- Tell your chef to stop

making such good food.

- We make chicken fingers.

You came to fuck
with me like a child

after I very gently
ghosted you like an adult.

- If seeing me out with
my wife fucks with you,

that's not my problem.

- Don't twist my words.

- Who is
she talking to?

- No idea.

But you know what's a
more interesting idea?

Look over there at that table.

You see her?

- Do you know her?

- No, but you're about to.
- I'm really not in the mood.

- Look, she just got stood up.

She's waiting for a
handsome young fella

to go over there
and talk to her.

- And since that's
not happening,

maybe I could go
over there instead?

- I didn't say that at all.

That's all you,
that's all internal.

Look, if you're not gonna do
it for her, do it for Olivia.

Show her that
another girl sees

how much of a catch you are.

- When you told me
that you were married,

I thought you'd be
low maintenance.

Instead, you're this
black hole of needy-ness.

- Maybe for once, we skip
the mean thing you say to me

that you take back later.

- You know, the
easier way to skip it

is don't show up at my work.

Thank you guys so
much for coming.

Have a great night.
- Thank you.

- Get a real job, maybe
I wouldn't have to.

- I'm gonna spit in your food.

- Spit in my mouth.
- Read the room, Kevin.

- Okay.

- Uh, where'd he
go? Did he leave?

- No, he's just
getting started.

Probably nothing.
- Hmm.

- So, nowhere else, not
even a study abroad or?

- Well, I've actually never

not lived in my
parents' house.

What? It's practical.

Rent is expensive and I
can commute to college.

It's easy.
- You missed out

on having a terrible roommate
who eats all your food

and leaves her dirty
underwear around.

- I have that, that's my dad.
- Right.

Well, I did have a
buddy that went to UALR.

I actually threw up in
the fountain one visit.

- That's bad.
- Please don't,

don't turn me in.

- My loyalty's to my school,
I hope you'll understand.

- Of course.

I will not tell you what
happened in the quad then.

It was worse.

- Miss, is this
man bothering you?

- No, no, not at all.

- Because he's wanted
in multiple states

for indecent exposure.

- She's kidding.
- Oh.

- I am kidding,
he's my friend.

He used to work here
back in the day.

That's how we met.

And we had sex
once, technically.

- Why did you add technically?
- Okay.

- I love your top.

That is so cute.
- Thank you.

I never really feel like I
have a reason to wear it, so,

- Jenny had a pet
rabbit as a child,

which committed suicide.

- Oh, well, allegedly.

I wasn't home at the time.

And my dad's story
doesn't really add up.

I haven't ruled out
negligence, so.

- I stand corrected.

Her father may have
murdered her rabbit.

But in brighter news,
you play the viola.

- I do, I do.

- Well, I play the
recorder and my father

murdered my self-confidence.

So, we're modern women
cut from the same cloth.

Connor, you have so
much to learn from us.

- Mm-hmm.

We're about to close,
but, you wanna stay?

- Yeah, sure.

- What
are you drinking?

- I am so glad
you guys talked to me.

I really needed a
night like this.

- Why?

Your friends don't dance?

- I mean, I don't really
have many friends.

I mean, people I grew up
with, but I don't know.

You grow up and then you
turn turn out different and,

yeah, do you ever
think about like,

who you would become
if you started

hanging around
different people?

- Hmm.

- Yeah, of course.

I'm surrounded by
bad influences.

- You guys are cute.

- You have plenty of time
to find your people.

And you'll know.

Your hair's in your face.

- You know where
the bathroom is?

- Yeah, it's to the left.

- Okay, thank you.

- So, what do you think?

- What do I think about what?

- Should we bang?

- Yeah.

- I can tell she's into it.

- All three of us?

- Yes.

- Or maybe just
you and me could?

- Connor, meet the moment.

Don't be such a puppy dog.

- Okay.

- Oh, whoa.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You guys,

you guys gonna ask me
to watch you do it?

- No.

But I understand
why...

- We were just playing a game.

- A game?

I like games,
what kind of game?

Truth or dare?
- Yeah.

- Oh.

- Have you ever played?

- Yeah.

I, well, when I was
in like fifth grade,

I was dared to
eat a raw hot dog.

- Oh my God, well
then, that sucks.

- You were just gonna--
- I was gonna do that one.

- Aww.
- Should we play?

- I'm down.

- Yeah.

- Okay, who wants to go first?

- I'll go first.

- Truth or dare?

- Um, truth.

- Hmm. Okay.

Have you ever kissed a girl?

- I mean, like, girls playing,
like when I was little.

- Have you ever really,
really, really kissed a girl?

Do you want to?

- That's two questions,

which is totally fine.

- Yes.

- You're a great kisser.

- Thank you.

- Okay, handsome.

Your turn.

Truth or dare?

- Dare.

- I dare you to give me the
best kiss you've ever given.

Hmm.

- I think
it's your turn to ask.

- Can I just kiss you?

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey, how's it going?

- It's all right.

Yeah, I don't
usually drink that...

Well, I don't
usually drink, so.

- But the rest was a
typical Friday, right?

- Yeah, she really knows how
to get what she wants, huh?

- Yeah.

Yeah, she does.

But I should say, like,

I also wanted it.
- Oh, oh, no, yeah,

I didn't mean it like that.
- And I hope you...

Right.
- Yeah, no, I did.

I also wanted it too.
- Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, last night was,

was really something.

You're, you're a...

beautiful woman.

What am I, what am I saying?

Do you want anything?

I have instant
oatmeal and cereal.

- What cereals?

- Grape Nuts and Raisin Bran.

- Those are the
saddest cereals.

- I could also offer a shower

and/or a cup of tea.

- Yeah, that sounds great.

Both, one of each, please.

- Great, now we're
getting somewhere.

- Look at this. Wow.

What an Airbnb.

Five stars.

- Well, yeah, you have a
shower and I'll do the tea.

- Okay, okay.
- All right.

- You know, if you were
thinking of showering too

and you wanted to save water,

tea can wait.

- I brought the tea
anyway, just in case.

- Come in.

- New contact,

Jenny Threesome.

- Okay, we can just
go with Brooks.

- Brooks, okay, Brooks.

"Threesome," sorry.

It was nice to meet
you, Jenny, yeah.

I'll give you a call.

- Sounds good.

Okay, bye.
- Bye.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I see you've mastered
the art of playing it cool.

- I see you've
taken my jacket.

I wanna take you
on a real date.

- Are you seriously
not satisfied?

When I was co-sucking
your dick last night,

that wasn't enough... for you?

- It was unbelievable.

But forget the sex.

I had an amazing time.

I haven't had that much
fun in a long time.

And don't forget the sex.

- Will say, you picked up a
thing or two since last time.

- Oh, yeah?

Be still, my heart.

A sexual compliment?

Almost makes me forget
waking up to a cold bed.

- You can buy my breakfast.

That's kind of like a date.

- I want to buy you
dinner tomorrow night.

- I'm working.
- The next night then.

Final offer.

Unless there's a better night,

in which case that's totally
fine with me as well.

- Why do men think that
unwanted persistence

is so charming?

- That's fair.

In my defense, I was inside
you like eight hours ago.

- Okay, fine.

- Fine?
- Yeah, one date.

- I overdressed, didn't I?

- What do you mean?

You're saying I underdressed?
Do you want me to change?

You worried the drive-thru
worker will see me?

- For your information,

this Taco Bell has an
inside seating area.

Oh, one sec.

Oh, it's my sister.

Hey, what's up?

- Are you almost here?
- Almost where?

Oh.

Like tonight, tonight.

Uh...

Yeah, no, I can be
there in a few hours.

- Olivia!
- I'm kidding.

Oh my God, calm down. Bye.

Connor.

Do you wanna know what's an
amazing first date activity?

- Don't touch that.

- I'm here.
- Hey, don't touch that.

- Everyone relax, the
situation is under control.

- Thank you, hey, who's this?

- Connor.
- Hi.

- He's great with
kids, probably.

I actually have no idea
now that I say that.

- That's for you.
- Thank you.

Why is Connor in my house?

- Remember when you were 16

and you'd babysit
for your neighbor

and you'd bring your friend?

- And that friend was a
30-year-old poetry teacher?

- Sometimes he was,
thank you, Roger.

- Okay, weird. But
in 30 seconds,

I'm either burning this
place down or leaving.

So, I don't care.
- Okay.

- And I guess it was my fault

'cause I only reminded
you, like, four times.

- It's okay, apology accepted.

- No S-E-X on our
B-E-D, all right?

- You don't have
to spell bed.

- We'll wash the sheets.

- Not funny.

- How many kids are there?

- Okay, well this meeting
of the Babysitters Club

is hereby adjourned.

Please keep my children alive.

- Don't micromanage us. Bye.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- Bye.
- I don't know you.

- All right, kids,
behave yourselves.

You too, Grace and Milo.

- Now what?

- Grace, let's
eat, dinner time.

All right.
- All right.

All right, come on.

Yeah.

- Whoa!
- Yay!

- Oh!

That was pretty good.

And so, who's on the farm?

Is it one of these?
Is it one of these?

Who's that? Horse?

All right.

Olivia, get in here.

- What's that?
- What?

- That's not the bottle
I told you to open.

That's like $200.

- Fuck, I'm sorry,
I thought...

You never let up, do you?

- That's insane.

I can't believe they do
that every single day.

- I felt like I was
in "Uncut Gems."

- It's deranged that I
ever did that on my own.

Mm.

Thank you.

- We make a good team.

Hey, to unconventional
first dates.

- Wow, and their corny toasts.

- You can't rag on my toast

when you famously
missed my best one ever.

- Now that I think about it,

you did play acoustic guitar
at me on our first date so...

- Which you loved.
- Did not.

- You're a big softie.
- No, I'm not.

- As I've always suspected.
- Okay, fine.

I have many sides.

- I hope to get
to see 'em all.

- You wanna do it
on my sister's bed?

- Thought they said no S-E-X.

- Good thing I don't
know how to S-P-E-L.

Weirdest thing that
I'm most proud of...

My collar bones.

- So, that's what
your face looks like

when you look at yourself,

you think, I love
that clavicle?

- Yeah, it is.

- I weirdly like when people
say I have nice handwriting,

and I pride myself
on being able to read

other people's messy writing.

- Penmanship.
- Yeah.

- That's too
boring to be weird.

- Ah, spoken like someone
who's never felt the rush

of a handwriting compliment.

- I once masturbated
to Billy Joel.

- What the fuck? On a dare?

- No, because he's
a fucking poet.

- New meaning to
"River of Dreams."

I'm sorry.

- Please, I got Best
Eyes and Best Eyebrows,

which are two separate
ones, I'll have you know.

Thank you very much.
- Congratulations.

- Yes.

But I was really pissed
because I wanted to get

Best Sense of Humor and
Carver Kazuski got it.

Basically just 'cause of
her dumb Borat impression.

- Borat?

That's not even a
hard impression.

- No, I am fucking aware.

- I remember the
first movie I ever saw,

"Fantasia."
- Never seen it.

- It's a Tchaikovsky
classical music piece.

Remember, I was playing
you Tchaikovsky?

- From "Fantasia?"

- No, it's not from,

it was an original piece of
music and then they decided

to use the music--
- Skip, next movie.

- Okay.
- What's the next one?

I'm bored.

- You ever seen "Shrek 2?"
- Well, yeah.

That's was the best feature
film ever gosh-darn-made.

- Oh, I'm sorry,
have I seen it?

Only 12 times.

Worst breakup?
- Mm-hmm.

- Technically never actually
been broken up with.

- Oh, come on.

Leave it to me,

take a couple years off
from the boyfriend game

and I get a guy who's dumped
everyone he's ever dated.

Cool.

- I think we both know,

one way or another,
my streak is doomed.

- Shit, I meant to
empty out that trash.

- I thought you
were on the pill.

- It's hard to remember.

You know, you have to
take one every single day.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

- And...

- And?

- Are you...

- It's not that big of a deal.

It's early enough that I can
take another pill or whatever.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Okay.

And--
- Mm-hmm.

- Um, just checking.
- Yeah.

- A pill is what you want.

- Can you even
imagine?

- No, no.

I mean, I can imagine.

- What's happening right now?

- I don't know.

I just, after the initial
terror subsided, obviously,

I had this strange moment
when I saw the box.

Like, am I supposed
to be terrified

because it's unexpected
or ahead of schedule?

'Cause like is it, is it even?

- Yeah, it is.

- Olivia, I'm 30.

I was eight when
my mom was 30.

My dad had abandoned the whole
family by the time he was 30.

I mean, I'm lagging.

- That's crazy.

All this time,
we thought, like,

I was the "out there"
one, but clearly...

Connor, we've
never even said--

- I love you.

- I guess it would be
rude of me not to confess

that I...

I do love you too, I do.

But that doesn't mean that we
need to do something bonkers

that we can never,
ever take back.

- You love me?

- You're gonna make me
instantly regret saying that,

aren't you?

- So, okay.

Just to recap,

you're pregnant.

- Yeah.
- And we love each other.

- And we've been
together for six weeks.

- Yeah, but I didn't
meet you six weeks ago.

You're great with kids.

Don't you ever think
about being a mom?

- Someday.
- Someday?

- Yeah, someday.
- Someday,

like someday this Fall?
- Someday like in five years.

Connor, I like,
just can't believe

that you're even
considering this right now.

- I can't either, but all I
know is my heart sank more

when you mentioned the pill
and when I saw that box.

- Um, I can't think right.

Can, yeah, I just have a--
let me think about it.

- Think about it?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Yeah, it's a lot.

- I can work with that.
- Okay.

- Okay.

Baby steps.

Sorry.

When you picture what you
want your life to be like,

what do you see?

- What kind of
question is that?

- You wanna know mine?

It's you and me, and kids,

whenever that is.

- Okay, well, let's
make a pact then.

When we're 86, if
we're still single.

- All right, don't even try.
- Okay, 85.

- You said you love me.

You can't pretend anymore.

- Maybe I like yours too.

- Do you mean...?

- Yes, dummy.

- She asks a lot of
questions, but it'll be fine.

Just in and out.

Stick to the plan.

Just saying hi, okay?
- Okay.

- Wait.
- What?

- Do you think you should
have worn baggier clothes?

I got a hoodie.
- No, it's fine.

Stop it, relax. It's
just a friendly visit.

I'm not gonna drop
any bombs tonight.

I'm sorry, I panicked.

I don't know why
I just said that.

Is she taking it well?

I can't tell.
- Hard to say.

She just shoot herself?

- I'm
gonna be a grandma!

What's the gender?
- We don't know.

- What's the due date?
- Not sure.

- When's the wedding?
- Mom, there's no wedding.

- Do you need any caretaking?
- Maybe.

- I'm free on Tuesdays
and Thursdays after 1:20.

- We'll talk about it.
- And some Saturdays.

- Thank you, mom.

- What are you
gonna name it?

- Mom.

- What are we
gonna name our kid?

- What about Alice?

- As in Wonderland?

- Well, no, it was
my mom's mom's name

and I always liked it.

- Hmm, I don't know.

- Oh, okay.
- No, it reminds me

of this girl named Alice
from my high school.

Always ate cans of
tuna for lunch.

And I'm like, no,
not even with mayo.

And it wasn't a poverty thing.

She just like,
fucking loved tuna.

It was nauseating.

- Jenny?

- What are
you doing here?

- I need to talk
to you, Connor.

- Well, why, why
haven't you taken care of it?

- I just don't think that's
any of your business.

- Jenny, are
you even sure it's mine?

- Hey, he was using
a condom, remember?

I was there, he used a condom.

- Not in the morning.

- In the morning?

In the morning.

Okay.

I'm out.

- Hey, what do you
mean you're out?

- Good luck, kids, this
is one for the storybooks.

- What, are you
breaking up with me?

- I'm not doing
this if there's

a side piece, baby
mama, absolutely not,

that is not my life.

- But we can get through this.

- No.
- Right?

Come on, we can, we have to,

we have to get through this.

- No, we don't have
to get through this.

I can get out of this and
that's what I'm gonna do.

The fuck is going on?

- Hey, will you wait?

You're overreacting.
- Properly reacting.

This is how a normal
person reacts.

- This has nothing
to do with us.

This is apocalyptically
bad luck

from before we even
had our first date.

- And if I had known that
you'd fucked somebody else

an hour before you'd
asked me out on it,

I would've stuck with no.

- You did know.
It was your idea.

One hour, eight hours, what
difference does it make?

- The difference is that
I can't have your baby

if you're already having
a baby with somebody else,

obviously.

- Olivia.

Olivia, please, don't do this.

- Get the fuck out of the way!

- I'm gonna go.

I think this already
went way worse

than I ever expected it to.

- What did
you want to happen?

- I don't know.

I just thought that
you might wanna know.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- Jenny, we...

We can't have a baby together.

That's insane.

- Well, it's my decision

and it was already
really hard to make.

So, I can do it
alone if I have to.

But I also told my parents
that you were my boyfriend.

So...

- Hi, leave a
voicemail if you want.

If it's still 2009, I
might listen to it.

- So, you had a threesome and
you got both girls pregnant?

- Technically, I
just got both girls

from the threesome pregnant.

- And the random stranger that
you picked up and raw dogged

happens to be a life-begins-
at-conception evangelical.

- I don't know what she is,
but if you're anti-abortion,

you should not be
having three-way.

- That's very true.
- It's false advertising.

- There should be
like a sex prenup

to prevent this kind of thing.
- Ooh, yes.

- We're having
coffee this weekend.

- Oh my God, that's so cute.

Try not to get any of
the baristas pregnant.

- You guys are so
lucky to be gay.

Can't get anybody pregnant.

- Still try.

- You do know the
sperm of gay men

has the same capabilities
as yours, right?

- Look, I didn't even think
I finished inside her.

We were in the shower and I
didn't want to kill the mood.

Go drip water everywhere.

So, I just, you know,
evacuated, tad early.

- Okay, so, after thousands
of years of perfection,

the pullout method
has finally failed.

- Thanks, thanks,
buddy, pilot on.

- That's crazy, that
doesn't make any sense.

- It's weird.

I spent so much time imagining

what me and Olivia
had in store,

so real and clear in my head.

And now it's not gonna
be that way, it's gone.

And I miss it somehow.

I miss things that
didn't even happen.

- Do you wanna just throw
some darts at me, let it out?

- Is that okay?
- Yeah.

- All right, here we go.
- Go ahead.

I don't think you're gonna
hit me, I've seen you play.

- Hey, come on.

Next round's on me, huh?

- Okay,
who's pregnant now?

- Hi.

- I didn't think
you'd respond.

- Well, it's my birthday

and I'm feeling
particularly vulnerable.

Any chance you have
a pregnancy fetish?

- What? What, why? No.

Are you pregnant?

- Your face, I was
gonna do a whole bit

pretending that it's yours
but doesn't really work

with a guy who
has a vasectomy.

Doesn't really set
the mood either, so.

- And you're keeping it?

- Fuck, no.

But you know me.

Why do today what you can
put off until tomorrow?

- That's not how
that saying goes.

- I'm not here for
the conversation.

- Good.

Because pregnant women
are sexy as fuck!

- Since there's only
gonna be one kid now,

maybe I could be twice
the father, you know?

Like, if you've
never sailed before,

it's probably easier to just
steer one boat at a time.

It's a weird analogy, I've
never even sailed, I'm sorry.

- Could we not make
jokes about this?

This is my life.

Like, you think I
want to be pregnant

with some random
person's baby?

I wanted to do this
when I was ready.

Or like, at least with
someone that I loved.

- And here I was thinking
that I'd only ruined my life.

- Oh, no, no, I don't
mean it like that.

You were just being
yourself that night.

And I was really trying
to be someone else.

And I think I
overcompensated so much

that I got what I deserved.

- But then, why keep it?

It was clearly a mistake.

No one would judge you.

- I mean, I would judge me.

It would be one thing if I
actually tried to prevent this

and it happened anyway,

but I didn't do anything
to prevent this.

Like, how could you
call that a mistake?

- That literally
makes no sense to me.

But I respect it.

Look, I'm here because I wanna
try and do the right thing,

whatever that may be.

- Can we pray?
- What?

Oh.

Yeah. Now?

- Mm-hmm.
- Yep.

- You lead.

- Me?

I was hoping you would ask.

- Are you singing it?

- Well, I don't
know how to pray.

Am I doing it wrong?

- No, I'm messing with you.

- Ohh.

That is a relief.

Sorry.

I'm just gonna take this.

- Yeah.
- One sec, I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Hey.

- If you're trying
to talk me out of it,

just save it, okay?

I don't feel bad about
it and I don't want to.

- No, no, no. I just
wanna know you're okay.

- Yeah,
I'm okay, I'm fine.

But I mean, the
only other person

whose responsibility
this is, is yours.

So I'm gonna need you to
like Venmo me or something.

- You want me to Venmo
you for an abortion

I don't want to have?

- Fuckin' PayPal
then, I don't care.

- Fine.

- Thank you.

It's on Tuesday, so I'll
let you know the total then.

Okay?

- Tuesday?

It's on this, this Tuesday?

- Yeah.

Maya and I have to drive
to Illinois though,

so that's fun.

Yay, medieval abortion laws.

Everything is a
fiery hellscape.

- Olivia, can I just see
you before you go, please?

- I'm not changing my
mind. You can go home.

- I'm not here to
change your mind.

I'm here to support you.

- What, support me, how?
You make a road trip mix?

- Look, I can accept you're
not having our baby anymore,

but I can't accept
what's happened to us.

- I don't wanna
do this right now.

Can we fight about it
when I get back, please?

- Just let me
take you. Please.

It's my responsibility.

- It's not your
responsibility.

I'm not some scared sophomore
cheerleader, I'm fine.

Honestly, I don't
need you to take me.

I have Maya.

- Maya, wouldn't Roger
rather I took her,

so you can stay?

- No.

- Okay.

We started this
thing together.

We should end it that way too.
- Connor.

- Please, I want to have
this abortion with you.

I was planning on sleeping
most of the way there anyway.

So if it's, like,
really important

to you, then fine.

I love you.

- I love you. Drive safe.

- And yes, I did
make a road trip mix.

It's nice to see you.

- Nice to see you too.

- Beautiful drive.

Stunning.

Going back to bed.

- It's down here,
to the right.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Which option is better?

- That's
entirely up to you.

Some people prefer to
do the procedure here

and know it's completely
taken care of.

When you leave here, you know
you're no longer pregnant.

Some feel the pills
offer a less invasive,

more private option.

- I don't know, I'm just,
I don't know what to do.

But I don't have to make the
decision right now, right?

'Cause I have to think
about it for 24 hours.

Isn't there a wait...

- Not here in Illinois.
- No, okay.

- No.
- Okay.

- But you absolutely
can take the night

to think it over,
if you'd like.

- Okay.

- We can get
you back in tomorrow,

that's no problem.

- Okay, sorry.
- Don't be sorry, darling.

- Did you know the
abortion itself

only takes between
five and 10 minutes?

Isn't that weird?

You carry this
thing for weeks,

literally growing inside you.

And then...

- If it makes you feel better,

my part in making it was
also five to 10 minutes, so.

- I don't wanna eat that.

You awake?

- Yeah.

- Can I come over there?

No funny business.

- You're the funny one.

I can only do
serious business.

- Oh my God, I'm the
funny one, all right.

- Permission to kiss
you on the forehead?

- Mm, top of the head only.

One peck.

- It's gonna be okay.

- Can I just, can I
just take a minute?

- Yeah.

- I don't think that
I wanna do this.

- Really?

- Does this make
me a Republican?

- No.

- No, no, no.

We came 300 miles
for an abortion

and that is what I'm
getting, an abortion.

- What? Hey, hey, hang on.

- I'm losing my
fucking mind right now.

- Hang on.

You just said you
don't want an abortion,

then looked in my face
and changed your mind.

Look, do you not want a baby

'cause you don't want a baby
or because you're mad at me?

- Even if it's
what I want to do,

it doesn't mean it's
what I should do.

- Since when does Olivia
Capitano give a fuck

about what she should do?

- Well, maybe Olivia Capitano

doesn't know what
she wants at all.

What do you think she wants?

You claim to know her so well.

- I think Olivia Capitano--

- You can stop that
whole thing now.

- Okay, I think that you...

I think if you go in there

and have an abortion,
you won't regret it.

But I think you wanna keep it.

- So, you're saying keeping
it wouldn't be a huge mistake.

- I will make sure it isn't.

- Why did you have to go

and have the world's most
potent fucking sperm?

A week ago, I can't, really,

it's just like I felt
like I had everything,

I did, I was actually happy.

And if I can hold on to
some of that, then...

- Are you sure?

- No.

That's my decision.

- Let's go home.

- Glad you came.

- Wanted persistence
for the win.

- It is always hard to
reconcile how cool you are,

but the fact that you listen
to this kind of music,

I'm sorry, I...

And skip.

What is this?

- What's what?

- Who's Kevin Winebar?

- Gimme my phone.

- His wife's out of
town, no, what is it?

Jesus Christ, we're
in a moving car!

- Don't read my texts.
- Olivia.

You know what, that's it.

- What are
doing right now?

Connor.
- Yeah.

- You can't give
me shit for this.

We broke up.
- We were in love.

We were having a, we
are having a baby.

And you're already
fucking somebody else?

- No, no, no, no, I'm not
fucking somebody else.

I fucked somebody else.

Just because he
wants to do it again

doesn't mean that I want to.

I honestly, I don't.

- Sorry, so, I can't
be hurt about it,

'cause it was
just the one time?

- I'm allowed to
try and feel better.

- We're supposed to be
there for each other.

I'm the one who gets to try
and make you feel better.

- You got somebody
else pregnant.

- That was an accident.

We weren't even together yet.

- And we're not together now.

Connor, you said that
we could do this trip

without you bringing
this shit up

and now you're
bringing this shit up.

- I said, I said that
when I saw that box,

my life was changed.

Everything I've done since
then has been with you,

and that baby, and the
rest of our lives in mind.

Stupidly, I thought
you were the same.

- That other baby's
gonna be around

for the rest of your
life too. So is Jenny.

- Yeah.
- Okay?

Whatever we had before,
it doesn't exist anymore

and it can't come back.
- You can say that again.

- Two girls pregnant?

Come on, Connor!

I feel a little bad
for my grandkids,

because they're inheriting
your moronic genes.

- Well, where'd you think
I got my genes from, huh?

- Touche.

- Coffee with a
splash of whiskey.

Oh, wow, didn't even check
to see if I was joking.

Just sort of dove right in.

Hmm.

- I'm really sorry
Olivia's pulling away.

I like her, I really like her,

but she doesn't
know what she wants.

- She said she wanted us.

- Without
any prompting from you.

- You don't think there's
a special someone out there

for everybody?
- No.

No, and everybody who does
is a fucking maniac, Connor.

Or maybe, you know what?

Actually maybe there is a
perfect person for somebody,

but the world is so
fucking humongous.

How the fuck are you gonna
find that perfect person?

So, we're all just
running around unhappy,

cheating, or getting divorced.

- You literally
just got married.

- Gay people are different.

We are so different.

We can say marriage is
forever, look at Hugh Jackman.

- But I actually do just
think I can convince her

that I'm right,
and she's wrong.

- Oh my God.

How did I raise such a man?

- Wonderfully.

- Don't forget,
there's another girl

who may appreciate your
supportive partner energy

and you have a
responsibility to her too.

And to her baby, most of all.

- I actually do think Jenny
has an OBGYN appointment

coming up.

- Perfect, take her to it.

- What if she gets
the wrong idea?

And I'm like, wanting
to shack up or...

- Take a friend.

- This is so exciting.

- Yeah. Thanks for coming.

- Dude, of course,
would never miss this.

Wait, I never even
really saw her.

She's beautiful.
- Yeah.

- Is she still up
for threesomes?

Fuck.

Ugh, fuck.

- That's the mother of my
child, you disgusting animal.

Don't make me
regret bringing you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey, how's it going?
- Hey, have a seat.

- It's okay.
- Come on in.

- Hey.
- Someone else is here.

- Yes, this is Greg.

- Hi, I'm Greg Demopolis.
- Hi.

- I'm here to support him
while he supports you,

which I guess means you're
supporting me, if that's cool.

- Do you always bring
an extra person?

- Wait, I like you.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

So, like, I hate to
ask because you know,

it's like, gauche and
reductionist and everything,

but like, what do you do?

- I'm in grad school, but
I work at a soup kitchen.

- Oh, you work at
a soup kitchen?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh.

- You didn't know
what she did?

- She doesn't know
what I do either.

- Aren't you a
recording engineer?

- Yep.

- It's a non-profit.

We do like, bag lunches and
hot meals for unhoused people

and low income
families and stuff.

- Wow, you are making me
seem like more of an asshole

than usual.

- No.

- I just help yuppies
get fucked up.

- You're
a drug dealer?

- No, I
am a bartender,

but I work at the place
where you two met, remember?

Three-way ticket
to pound town.

- Whoa, okay.
- Ohh.

- Too glib there, chief.

- Hey, I don't
think you're glib.

I think you are very
honest and direct.

- I appreciate that.
- Yeah, it's unique.

I feel like you give
it to me straight,

you know what I mean?

- All right, not
totally straight.

So, was the threesome
your first time?

Or like--
- Whoa, dude, what the fuck?

- Why? Why
would you ask that?

- I just heard there
was a religious element.

Maybe I'm projecting.

- You don't have to
answer him, Jenny, okay?

- It was not my first
time, definitely not.

- Okay, so what was
your first time like?

- Greg, shut the fuck up.

- It's okay, seriously.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

You can involve her in all
your little twisted hedonistic

sex games, but I can't ask
her a simple question, Connor?

Continue, if you may.

- Okay, well it was my senior
year production of "Cats"

and it was during
intermission.

- All right.

- Rum Tum Tugger.
- Okay.

- Fucked me behind
the back curtain.

- Wow, Cat--
- Okay.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

- Amazing.

- And you're fully
in character?

- Oh, full costume.
- Full costume.

So, you lost it before Connor?

He was a late bloomer, yeah.

- I mean, 'cause I forgot to
bring condom to prom, okay?

- Yeah, and he never
has unprotected sex.

It's like, principle.

- How late was the bloom?

- We don't have to talk--
- 22, yeah.

He was,

22 years old.

- We'll be doing
a physical exam today,

which will include a
breast and pelvic exam.

We'll do some blood tests

and urine studies just
to establish a baseline,

and we'll do a
vaginal ultrasound

to try and hear the
baby's heartbeat.

- Greg, what are
you doing here?

- Oh boy, this is too good.

- Hey, what are you--

- You decided to bring
her to my doctor?

- I don't own the doctor.

What do I know about
finding an obstetrician?

It was this or Yelp.

- So, Yelp, that's how
I found this place.

What does she not
have her own OB?

- I do, I--
- So, why are you here?

- I just, I did, I mean, I've,

I have known her since I was
13 and I was embarrassed.

- This is insane.

- I
thought you were...

Oh, are you like, mad I didn't
get an abortion or something?

- Oh my God.
- No, I just,

I thought that you--
- Thought what?

It's none of your
business, remember?

- Olivia, will
you lay off her?

- Connor, I am way too
hormonal for surprises

right now, okay.

This is so uncomfortable
and awkward.

This person wants
to die right now.

- You know what?

I think maybe you should
just go in with her.

- I don't want him
to go in with me.

I don't really wanna see
either of you two right now.

- Look, if you let
him go in with you,

I'll find another
doctor, okay?

- Well, why
do you care so much?

- Because our kids
are basically twins.

And the mother of my
kid's twin yells at me

every time she sees me.

- I'm not yelling at you!
- And, well, now I'm yelling

and, you know, you were
like the coolest person

I'd ever met.

And I really, I actually
thought you liked me.

And this is already so hard.

Can't we just help each other?

- You are like, so nice.

What's wrong with you?

I shouldn't have been such a
fucking bitch to you just now.

That was not fair or nice.

- That's all right.
- And I'm embarrassed.

- I know, I fucked up your
life pretty bad, so I get it.

- It's not your fault.

It's nobody's fault.

- No, it's
Connor's fault.

- It's Connor's fault.
- Yeah.

- She really knows how to
get what she wants, huh?

- Hi, I'm sorry, did
you forget something?

- Other than a condom?

- O...kay, yeah.

- Wow. Thank
you for buying that.

- Huh? Oh, yeah.

- Did not realize cribs
were so expensive.

You know, in Finland,
babies sleep in boxes

that are provided
by the government.

- Oh, well, why
didn't you say?

I could've just bought
you a ticket to Finland

for the same price.

Hey, could you you grab that?
- Oh, yeah.

- Sorry.
- No, you're good.

- Ah.

I'm fine.

- Oh my God. Whew.

- I just wanted
to say, I'm sorry

that I never called you after
that night we first met.

Sorry, sorry.

- Oh, no, that's typical
dating, isn't it?

- It's just, I don't
want you to think

that it wasn't genuine.

- That was a very
genuine threesome.

- I'm trying to be serious.

- Okay.

And are you just apologizing
or is this going somewhere?

- Whatever else is happening
in my life right now,

I want you to know
that I'm on your side.

- Well, since you
brought it up,

my parents are pretty
anxious to meet my boyfriend,

baby daddy.

- Oh, they, they still
think that I'm...

- It would only be this once.

I am going to tell them soon.

- Okay.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, okay.

- Thank you.

- Also, I know it
was a chaotic time,

but I really am
sorry for sort of,

sort of asking you
to get an aborsh.

- Oh, that's, don't
ever call it that.

- No, nope.

- And don't let
anything like that slip

when you're with my parents.

- No, I'm a parents'
wet dream, honestly.

- Oh.

- I wanna know
the sex of the baby.

- Didn't you want
to be surprised?

You said you didn't want
any gender specific clothes.

- I think I've had enough
surprises for one pregnancy.

What is it?

- I'm happy to report
you'll soon be proud parents

to a beautiful baby girl.

- I knew it.

That's crazy.

You didn't seem that excited.

- Of course I'm excited.

When the doctor
said it was a girl,

I was really excited,
I wanted to hug you.

And then I thought, no,
don't, she won't want that.

It'll ruin the moment for her.

And realizing that, it kind of
put a damper on things for me.

- That all went through your
head in like, two seconds?

- Yeah.

I'm sorry, it's dumb.

And I didn't need to tell you.

- No, I understand.

- Do you, though?

- I think so.

- I'm not sure I do.

I'm not sure why we're
doing this version

where I ruin the
special moment

and get all emo in
the parking lot.

I could, 'cause we could
have it so much better.

We could.

When I saw that text
from Kevin Winebar,

a name which is seared in my
brain by the way, it sucked.

But I can get past it.

I know it's not the same.

I know what we have with Jenny

is more permanent and
complicated, I know.

Don't you think if we
try, if we really try,

we could get past it too?

- No, I--

- Why?

- Because it makes
me feel pathetic.

- Pathetic?

- Yeah, I feel
fucking pathetic.

For you, yeah, it's
not that bad, you know?

You knocked up two hot babes.

You know that every
guy that finds that out

for the rest of your
life is gonna be like,

"Damn, that Connor,
what a fucking stud."

And then for me, of
course they're thinking.

"Shit, her dude knocked
up another girl

at the exact same time and
she's gonna take him back?

How weak is that,
how desperate is she?

How pathetic is she, how--"

No, thank you, you
know? It's just...

- Sure
was a lot in there

about what other people think.

- It's what I think.

It's not about getting
past something.

It's about a new reality.

One that I don't want.

And I'm sorry, it's dumb.

And I didn't need to tell you.

- I'm not sure I've ever heard
you say "I'm sorry" before.

- And you never will again.

- I'm glad you're
having a girl.

Maybe Alice is back
in the mix for a name.

Maybe? Maybe.

Maybe?

Maybe.

- Maybe for you and Jenny.

- Is this a weird hug?

- If you have to ask, then
yes, it's a weird hug.

- Thought so.

I don't hate it.

- Hi, everybody, I'm Greg.

Olivia and I have been
physical life partners for...

- ...sssssix years.

- We're technically
divorced, yeah.

We don't know the
gender of the child yet,

but we do know that
gender is a lie.

Did we talk about
the conception?

- I don't think we talked
about the conception.

- But we can talk about it.
- We're past that now.

- That pretty
much sums it up.

- The name.
- The name.

- The name is gonna be Elon.

- Thank you, Greg,
very creative.

- Namaste.
- Okay.

How about you guys?

- Hi, I'm Jenny,
this is Connor.

We're not married either,

but we haven't even really
been together very long.

But we're optimistic.

Yeah, we are together
in our dedication

in bringing this baby
into the best possible

situation that we can.

- Thank you for sharing.

What a lovely sentiment
from a lovely person.

- Hi.
- Whoa, hi.

Cool place to stand.

- Dumb question.

You and Jenny aren't like,
banging or anything, right?

- You're right. That
is a dumb question.

Why would you think that?

- I don't know, the
fact that you guys

had already signed
up for this class

and all the stuff that she
said about you guys in there.

- Are you naming our kid Elon?

- So, there's nothing
happening at all, right?

- No.

- Wait, it's so nice to
finally meet you, Connor.

If I'm being honest, I'd
been a tad bit worried

when I heard about
Jenny's situation,

but I'm just, I'm so
relieved that she has a man

who can take care of her.

- Well, we're taking
care of each other.

- I guess it's good that
we didn't meet too soon,

you know, right after the
unexpected news, but...

- Oh, okay, excuse me.

You know what
would would be fun?

Do you remember
the little videos

that you used to make? Connor.
- Oh, no, no.

- We had a little
Elizabeth Taylor over here.

A star!
- Wait a minute.

- Do you have to bring
this up ever again?

- Let's get 'em.
- No, she was adorable.

- Let's get 'em.
- You never never seen

anything cuter.
- What about it, Connor?

You wanna see my little
Cookie back then?

- I'm mean, if, if
Jenny wants to.

- No, guys, guys, please stop.

Guys, absolutely not.

Please, can we please
not do this, genuinely?

- Jenny, you're
in the way, move.

- This is so embarrassing,
stop. Please, mom.

- She's flying.

Look, I made those little
wings, can you believe it?

- They're really nice.
- Adorable.

- She's so cute.
Honey, remember this?

Okay, she became
obsessed with weddings

and she wanted to be a bride.

Remember that?

She saw our wedding video.
- Yeah.

- Oh, she was so cute.
- ...going to get married!

It's a miracle!

- I think she was gonna
marry her teddy bear.

- Do you remember when
they married a Ken doll?

- Okay, I'm gonna
go to the bathroom.

- And Ashley Martin's cat.
- Wow.

Look at her.

- Oh, such a sweety.

- ...would wanna
marry my best friend.

You know about arranged
marriages and stuff?

I've been thinking about
people in India, in Japan,

and they couldn't be any less
happy than people here, right?

Maybe even more happy.

And why is that?

Maybe love is just commitment.

- I don't think
that's all love is.

Jenny, I'm just
here to support you.

I think maybe I should go.

- Can you just hold me?

I don't think I
can do this alone.

- Jenny?

Jenny?

- Oh, shit.

- I thought you
left last night.

- I fell asleep by accident.

I mean, I didn't
even sleep that much.

It was very hard.

The floor.

- Mm-hmm.

Well, fool me twice,
shame on me, I suppose.

She is already pregnant.

Coffee?

- I should really get going.

- You're the first
boy to spend the night

in that room,
Connor, all right?

Come on and have a
cup of Joe with me.

- Cheers.

- Bad luck to
cheers with coffee.

- Yep.

- I think you can understand

that this situation is
difficult for me, can't you?

- Yes, sir, I do.

- We never imagined things
would go like this for Jenny.

We always try to impart
a certain set of values

in this house.

And that may seem
a little outdated

to a young person
like yourself.

But let me tell you,

it can lead to a mighty
uncomplicated life.

And that's all we
want for Jenny.

An uncomplicated life.

And now we're trusting
you to provide it.

- Yes, sir.

- So, you're going to
lay with your chest down

on the pillow like this.

And partners, you're going to
put your hands on either side

of her hips, give her
hips a good jiggle,

relaxes the pelvis, reset
the nervous system...

- When are you gonna tell your
parents the truth about us?

- Deathbed?

You know, it's just been
so much better for me

since they met you.

It's like, they're
excited about the baby

and they wanna help.

And it's made me feel like

this isn't the worst thing
that's ever happened.

- That doesn't really
answer my question.

- You gotta be
fucking kidding me.

Ugh.

Hi.

Oh my God.

- Oh, fuck.
- What?

- Oh my God.

Ah, Jesus Christ.
- What's wrong?

Oh yeah, hemorrhoids.

You're gonna get those.

- That is just not okay.

Why is pregnancy
so disgusting?

I've never been
this disgusting.

Women shouldn't have to
be subjected to this.

Men should have
to get pregnant.

They're already gross.

- Surprise!
- Surprise.

- Wow, thanks, everyone.

We did not see
this coming at all.

- We didn't see that
baby coming either.

Ha!

- It's true. You are
gonna be like a gross,

disgusting freak probably
for the rest of your life.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, welcome to parenthood.

But it's gonna be the
most beautiful thing

that ever happened to you.

- When?

- Connor, Jenny tells me
you do some volunteer work

with the Methodist church.

- Oh, she did?
- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah. Well, I don't
like to, to brag.

- Which church?

Peachtree, Central United?

- Yeah, both of those.

You know what, I would
do 'em all if I could.

I just, I love, I
love the Methodists

and they're...

- They're Methodist.
- Bingo.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- I heard the pastor
at Peachtree got fired

for using the collection funds
to fund his liposuction.

- No.
- Girl.

- Yes.

- I don't really,

I don't know about that.

You know, I don't like
to spread rumors, so.

- Right, right.
- Yeah.

- The only gos he
spreads is the gospel.

Can I get an Amen, saints?

- Do you want my advice?

- Mommy!

Mommy!

- Enjoy the silence.

What is it, honey?

- I just wiped Grace's butt!

- Hi, hi, everyone.

I'm Connor.

Dalai Lama sucks.

Or a heart that's
afraid to break

is a heart that's never used.

Thanks for throwing
this for us.

Definitely never forget it.

- Welcome to the family.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

Very kind of you to say.

- Well, we will let
you two say goodbye.

- Yeah.

- We have got to tell him.

- I know, I know.

Just, when the
time's right, okay?

- I'll see you.

- You know, it was a pretty
solid party, like objectively.

It's got cornbread,
reppressed sexual energy.

I don't really
need anything else.

Hey, come on, man, you could
do a lot worse than this.

Seriously, it's not that bad.

Matt's mom is a flat-Earther.

I said I wanted to
travel around the globe,

we got in a huge
fucking argument.

- No fucking way. That's
the wrong screw again?

- Oh my God.
Thank you so much.

- Yeah, no problem.

- What kind of high school
senior gets chicken pox?

- Nobody gets chicken
pox, she's a liar.

- She's dead to us.

Okay, there's leftover
pasta in the fridge.

He likes it with salt, butter
and salt from the salt shaker.

But listen, not from
the salt dish, okay?

- Okay, got it, yes.

- I'm gonna text
you from the car.

- I will be fine. I'm ready
to get some practice.

Go, you're already late.

- We love you, Grace.
We love you, Milo.

- Bye.
- Be nice to Aunt Livvy.

- Three eights.

Uh oh, careful.

- I have to do two.

- Thanks for not having
anything better to do.

- We make a good
team, remember?

- Here you go.

- I don't have
blues or eights.

- Here, pumpkin.
- You don't have any blues?

Oh, you shouldn't
have told me that.

- I'm gonna
put down yellow five.

- My turn.

- So, did I put
down a six or did you?

- I did.
- So, it's my turn?

So I can put down a red six?

- I know that, face up.
- Face up.

Like that?

What about if I play...

- Yeah, that's fine.

- Oh, you didn't
see that coming, did you?

- Kids, it's time for bed.

Looks like you were a huge
hit at that baby shower.

- Oh.

I wouldn't say a hit.

- I straight up asked
you if you and Jenny

were together.
- We're not together.

- And you said that you--
- I promise.

- Then what was that?

- I said I was with
her, I wanted to help

and it got outta hand and
she's not helping me out.

- What?

- I was afraid you'd be mad.

- Well, at least you get me.

- Hey.

She's just waiting
for the right time

to tell them we broke up.

- You honestly believe that?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Okay, well, you've
clearly never had an affair

with a married person before.

The longer you do this, the
easier it is for you guys

to just end up together.

- It's not what she wants.
- Why wouldn't she want that?

- You tell me!
- What do you mean?

- You're in the exact
same position as her,

you can't ever stop
telling me how much--

- Okay, we should be quiet.
- You don't wanna

get back together.
- The kids are sleeping!

- Here's the thing, though.

You can't tell me
what to do with Jenny.

And not because I'm not
making obvious mistakes

and enabling her
and leading her on.

I don't know, I hope not.

But, but because that's
not your role anymore.

You didn't want it to be.

- That's not what, I...

I think about us getting
back together all the time.

I wish it was as easy
as you say it is.

I just, it's hard.

I know that I'm the one making
it harder in a lot of ways.

And it's not because
I don't care, I...

- Oh.
- Maya, Roger, hi.

Hi, how was night?

- Connor, hi.

- Thank you, Connor,
for your help.

- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- And your assistance.

- Of course.
- Yeah.

- Okay, bye.

Bye, guys. Sorry.

- He was helping me.

- Were they K-I-S-S-I-N-G?

- I mean, you got it, right?

You got what I was
trying to say,...

Right?

Think you got it?

- Oh, hello--

What the fuck is that?

- What the fuck, you?

- Why are you still pregnant?

- Hmm, changed my mind.

What's your vibe?

Fucking relax, dude,
what do you care?

- You said you were going
to get it taken care of.

I texted you to see how it
went, and you said, "Fine."

- Yeah, it did go fine.

I wanted to keep it.

What?

- Um...
- What?

- I never got a vasectomy.

I never got one. Never had it.

- You told me that
you had a vasectomy.

- I did, I know I did,

and I lied about that
because, I don't know,

I thought that like, it
would make it seem to you

like it was less
serious with my wife.

So I--

- "Less serious
with your wife?"

- You said you
were on the pill.

- Mm-hmm.
- You said that.

- I'm gonna fucking kill you.

You fucking asshole!
- Hey, don't hit me, please.

- Less serious
with your wife?!

- Chill, stop, stop.

Calm down, calm down, okay?

That's not good for the baby.

You okay?

Whose did you think it was?

It might not be mine, right?

- You piece of shit!

Oh my God, I just Googled
prenatal paternity testing.

My life is officially
hot fucking garbage.

Are you crying?

- Please don't tell
my wife, okay, please?

- It's not possible for me
to wanna talk to your wife

any less than I already do.

Okay, here's one, 99% accurate
results in under a week.

- Great, good, thank you,
I will take care of it.

- All right, it's $1,600.

- 1,600?
- Kevin!

- That's fine, it's
fine, I got it.

- And they say
chivalry is dead.

- I got
too many kids already.

- Kevin.

- Can't believe
it's almost time.

A kid is so
permanent, you know?

We'll never not have
a kid ever again.

Hey, do you wanna talk
about the other night?

- Do you ever consider
that I may not be

what's best for you?

That I just keep hurting you?

- Whoa, where's
this coming from?

- I'm brash, I'm selfish.

I'm always in a bad mood.

I'm a lifetime fuck-up

trying to convince the
world that I'm not.

Why would you want that?

- You are so smart,

and funny, and beautiful,

and undoubtedly gonna own
your own restaurant one day,

because if there's
one thing I know,

you always find a way
to be the boss.

- I am bossy.

- Olivia, all my life,
I've felt like I was--

What? You okay?
- Ahh.

- Oh, shit!

- Okay, where do you
fall on this scale?

- Hmm, you know, I'm...
- Hmm?

- I wouldn't say
it's a full smile.

- Okay, when they
ask though, say,

because the epidural
will be ready faster.

- Like that?

- No, like, yeah, that's good.

Like, mm.

I gotta have da epidural.

- Can I just tell
them that I'm in pain?

- Yes, but also make the face.

Should I just put a
question mark here or?

- It's not funny, dude.

- Did you tell him?

- No, and I'm hoping that
there's nothing to tell.

Keep your fingers crossed.

- She's still
only four centimeters.

- Can I go in?
- Sure.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Not to brag, but that nurse
and I just got to third base.

She's zero centimeters dilated
if you were curious.

- Do you remember
how we first met?

- When you got hired--
- No, no, no,

just before that.

Your old manager had that
party and Greg brought me,

and you and I were waiting
in line for the bathroom,

making small talk.

And then the frat bro came
over, started hitting on you.

- Yeah, as frat guys do.

- Yeah, yeah, and he asked
who you knew at the party,

and you pointed at me and said
we were childhood friends.

And he looked kind
of suspicious.

So, I said, okay,
well, on three,

let's say the person our
high school is named after.

And I counted down and
said, "Thomas Jefferson."

And you counted down
and said, said--

- "Saddam Hussein."

- Which made me laugh so much.

And you just kept doing more
and more ridiculous answers

about our favorite teacher,
and our first pet,

and I can't remember,

but it was honestly
the most charming thing

I've ever seen in my life.

- Wow.

I tried to introduce
you to Greg that night.

- Yes.

Yes, because you didn't
know he brought me

and you thought we'd vibe,
which, you know, props to you.

Very astute.

- I may have thought
you were gay.

- Huh.

- Still on the fence.

- I take that as a compliment.

One day, I wanna
tell our daughter

the story of how we met.

- I hope you do.

- I could have swore
that these things

are like, 40 minutes, tops.

- Oh, I'm sorry,
are you bored?

Because I've literally never
been more uncomfortable

in my entire life.

- Okay, but this is
the longest recorded

delivery in human
history, right?

- She just got here yesterday.

- Okay, so...

- No.
- No, obviously.

I'm just checking.

- Hi, there.

- It's happening.

I just got admitted.

- What?

You're here?

Now? I mean, there?

- Yeah, sorry, I would've
called you earlier,

but my water hadn't broken
yet and I thought it was,

you know, a false alarm.

- No, no, of course.

Where exactly are
you in the hospital?

- Labor and delivery.

I'm not giving birth in
the cafeteria, Connor.

Thanks, Ma.
- I'm sorry.

- But if you're confused,

I'm sure someone could
show you where...

- Okay.
- Why are you here already?

- Do you know if I could get
a good kombucha around here?

- Greg?

- Hi, what's up?

- Hi.
- Hey.

- I think we should
probably get going

to my room now, dad, right?

- Yeah, let's go get settled.

Shall we?
- Dad, dad, dad, just.

- Paul, Paul?
- Leave these people alone.

Dad? Dad!

- Paul, Paul.
- No, no.

- Can we help you?
- So, this is Olivia.

Hey, my life partner, my
physical life partner.

- Jenny said you
were homosexual.

- Which we completely support.

- I was drunk. We were drunk.

This is 2024, you know?

- What is this?

- I'm so sorry.

- Dad!

Dad, stop!

- No, no, no, stay.

- Dad!
- Hey, easy.

- I'm sure it's fine.
- Dad, let go.

- You son of a bitch!

- Hey, what is going on?
- You keep your hands

off of him, you motherfucker!

- She's having
Connor's baby too.

- No.
- All right, don't worry.

- No, no, no.

That can't be. That can't be.

Is this true?

Oh.

- Look out.

- I'm sorry.

- Hello?

Yeah, this is her.

Sure, March 15th, 1993.

Yeah, it's 5422.

Okay, yeah, I can wait.

- I should go.

- Oh, you don't have to leave.

Look, um...

I am so sorry for that.

I told her she had
to tell her parents

and she said--
- She's not your baby.

- What?

- She's not yours.

- Why are you saying that?

- Because it's true.

I just found out, I swear.

I couldn't let you...

I'm so sorry.

- I don't understand.

Who--

I so wanted her to be yours.

I swear.

- Paul. Paul.

- I think you're
in the wrong room.

- I'm here for the
birth of my daughter.

I'm not gonna
let her down too.

- Dad.

- Okay, here we go.

Take a deep breath.

One, two, three, four, five.

- You're strong, you got it.
- Six, seven, eight, nine,

ten.

- Another deep breath.
- It's fine.

You're doing so well.
- One, two, three, four, five,

six.
- Yes.

- Good job, good job.

You're doing so well.
- You're doing so good.

- Good job, good job.

- Okay.

- Just one more big push, one.

- Two, three, four, five.
- Okay, she's coming.

That's it, you got it.

- Oh, my God.
- You did it, you did it.

You did it!

You did it.

- Connor, I did some things--
- You don't need to do this.

- Do what?

- Like, you don't
need to explain,

or make excuses, or apologize.

I've just spent
the last few hours

on the world's most fucked-up
rollercoaster of emotions

and I can't deal
with another dip.

- I did something
that hurt you

and I would do anything in the
entire world to take it back.

Anything.

I don't expect that you'll
forgive me or get past it,

but I just wanted to tell
you that I love you so much

and I wish I said it
more often, but I--

- It's not about
getting past it.

It's about a new
reality, remember?

I didn't understand that then.

But I do now.

- Connor?

- Hi.

- Your baby wasn't his?

- No.

- I'm sorry.

- Me too.

Ugh.

Hey, remember that
time we had sex?

- Yeah, pops up every
once in a while.

Well, you know, maybe,

maybe we aren't so strange.

We're just two pairs of people
accidentally having kids.

- I wouldn't say
I'm part of a pair.

- Yeah, me neither.

- He's gonna come
through, though.

And you're gonna
be an amazing mom.

- I just don't know
how many amazing moms

start out not ready to be one.

- Probably a lot.

You know, we can help
each other out too, right?

Don't you need a mom friend?

We can read Mommy Reddit.

Talk about their sore nipples.

- Oh my God,
forget my nipples.

I think my vagina tore
straight to my asshole.

- Oh, God, second degree?

- Yes, it's just one hole.

- Wow, she's so beautiful.

- Okay, that is a
bachelorette pad.

- It's perfect for you.

- It is, it's perfect for us.
- Do you need help moving?

- Oh, no, no, taking Fiona's
already the best thing

you could do.

- Also, if you
need a real man,

I know that Connor isn't
fit for the job, I'm here.

You've probably seen my delts.

- I did notice that,
I would love that.

Thank you, Greg.

- I kind of just
wanted the compliment.

I didn't actually wanna
help, if I'm being honest.

These are not moving muscles.

These are gay muscles,
they're for show.

- Come on.
- Come on, Greg.

- I will help
you get a task rabbit.

- Surprise.

- What are you doing here?

- I bumped into Jenny and Greg

and they said the little
sprout's with you,

thought they could
have a play date.

- I don't know how much
playing can be done,

but I guess they could
fidget near each other.

- Isn't that what
you and Greg do?

- Come in.

- Wow, she is so cute.

How are you,

how's co-parenting life?

- Honestly, pretty good.

Half the time, it's just
my same normal life.

The other half,
I get to hang out

with this little nugget, so.

- Hmm.

- Not, not to say that
it's easy, obviously.

How's it going for you?

- I'm hanging in
there.

- Yeah.

- What'd you name her?

- Fiona.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

- Pretty.
- It was Jenny's idea.

She's attached to it

and I had limited
political capital.

So, what'd you name yours?

- Alice.

- Thought that made you
think of cans-of-tuna girl.

- Makes me think of
something different now.

I've been calling you,
obviously, you know,

and I've been calling you and
I wanted to give you space.

- I know.

- It's all out
there, you know,

no more secrets,
no more surprises.

No one else
standing in our way.

Just us needing
to move past this.

Just you, not to
point fingers,

but I'm ready.

What?

- I don't know if I am.

I'm just scared to
get hurt, you know?

I don't wanna go
through that again.

- A heart that's
afraid to break

is a heart that's never used.

I think the Dalai
Lama said that.

- Okay.
- Brilliant guy.

- Right, okay.

So, you were, you heard,
you were there.

You realize you're
making your point

by admitting to
more lying, right?

- But I am making my point.

- No, technically it was
my point, originally.

So, I guess I have no
choice but to accept.

- My point is, I'm
learning to take care

of the things that I love.

- 20,
take one, mark.

- Threesome.

- Let's act.
- All right, let's act.

And action!

- You're overreacting.
- I'm properly reacting.

This is how a normal
person reacts.

- Hey, look, um, uh...

- You forgot your line?
- Yep.

- We famously already shared
quite a bit together, so.

- Jenny?

- I need to talk-- Oh, fuck.

- That was probably the
least successful abortion.

- Are we shooting?
- Yeah.

- I had no idea, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, that's okay.
- I'm so sorry.

- To unconventional
first toasts-- No.

- And their corny dates.
- First dates.

- How many pieces do you think
that I could fit in my mouth?

- What do you
mean, you're out?

- Good luck, kids.

This is one for the
fucking storybooks.

- Bless you.

- So, Jonah's waiting
downstairs, right, and--

- I'm Connor.

- Fuck!

Want my services as a real
man, I know that Jonah--

- Do you guys, do you
guys like to dance...

I fucked up.

- Hey, hey.

What are you doing--

No, that's crazy.

- Common mark.

- Are you kidding
me, you fucking--

- Yeah.

- Well, that's spoken like
someone who's never felt the--

I'm so sorry.

- I hate your dumb,
stupid, fat face.

And you'd be like--
No, fuck me, sorry.

- You accused him of being,

uh, being, uh...

- You've never looked so good.

Honestly, you look so nice.

- Mark.

- Mm.

You worried the drive-thru
worker will see me?

- I'm sorry.
- What?

- I'm sorry, can you cut?

- Um, mm-hmm.

- I feel like there's
a lot of semen

clouding your
thought right now.

- Is it the tapped keg thing?

- I swear, just foam
came out at one point.

Like it was, it was like that.

- There's only one
thing I want more

than to be a grandmother.

God fucking dammit!

There's one thing
I'm more excited for.

There's only one
thing I want more--

God dammit!

- You can't give me shit
for this, we broke up.

- I'm so sorry.
- What are you doing?

You looking for your mark?
- Yeah.

I've actually never done
this before, so will she--

- You kind of hold her,
help her out a little bit.

- Bit more up,
right, like this?

- $1,600?

That's fine.
- I have a tear.

- That's good.
- Sorry.

Get back in there. There's
other scenes for that.

- Well, maybe Olivia Capita--

What's my name?

- Just...

Oh, baby.

- You're not helping.

- I told you that
was gonna happen.

What did you think
was gonna happen?

You'd swallow it whole?

- Let us consider
the nature of love.

I think that every successful
relationship finds joy

in the care and the effort,

as a collective.

Speaking of a collective,

have you guys heard the story
about how Connor and Olivia

and his baby mama
all got together?

- Oh, no.