Original subtitles

You know, I almost proposed to Loretta in LA,

and then I didn't.

Why not?

One failed marriage, who hasn't been there?

Two failed marriages?

People start asking questions.

I can't believe that you thought I killed your friend.

I can't even kill this moderate to severe case

of bacterial conjunctivitis.

Sazz called Bev Melon

and said that there was a problem on the movie,

and right after that, she was shot!

Someone on the movie killed Sazz to keep this problem a secret.

The most brilliant directing team, the Brothers!

These three should be in the photo shoot, too.

It's just that the timing. I'm just saying in order for it to happen,

that would mean someone shot from the West Tower,

came all the way over here, cleaned up the crime scene,

and disposed of the body, all in 12 minutes?

How am I doing?

- It's been 38 minutes. - What?!

What is this I'm standing on? It feels like fly paper.

It's a tacky mat.

And that tacky mat matches the one from Dudenoff's apartment.

The killer was up at the production offices,

which means they're probably at the photo shoot.

It wasn't one person who did the murder. It was two.

One to shoot and one to clean up.

You're totally right. They could've done this.

Where's the other Brother sister?

Oh, my God, they've been shot!

What you are about to see is a testimony of the accused,

but in our native language,

the language of...

film.

The footage is sourced from many different angles, cameras, and lenses

to give a multi-dimensional perspective,

as only cameras can, of the truth.

Tawny and I got our first camera at 9 years old.

Action.

A Sony DCR-VX1000.

We saved all our money, but it wasn't enough.

So we stole it.

Our aesthetic lived at the intersection of...

voyeurism and body horror.

For whatever reason, we didn't fit in in high school.

So weird!

No.

Then we met our film professor,

and our lives were changed.

He said what made us weird would make us successful.

All we had to do was...

Keep shooting.

If there's one thing you take away from my class, it's this.

Take your camera and cover the world and capture it all.

And never, never censor yourself.

Never look away.

Unless it's an eclipse or Medusa,

or that time that I stapled your exams to my shirt.

No, but seriously.

Keep it rolling.

Even when it's chaotic.

Because chaos can be good.

Chaos...

can be art.

We really took that to heart.

Oh God, they've been shot!

Oliver!

- Get me the fuck outta here! - It came from over there!

There! Right there!

It's Glen, he's still alive!

Which Oliver is that?

Uh... Zach?

- They got me in my fat! - Okay.

Here.

Here, put pressure on it. Oliver!

- Is it over? - He's okay!

Act one. The Inciting Incident.

Taxi!

Drive, drive!

Take us to the Upper West Side. Anywhere but the hell that is SoHo.

- Are those guys gonna be okay? - They have to be.

I can't have anyone else die because of us.

- Oh, my God! - Did you guys see Tawny

when the shot was fired?

No, no. All I saw was my life flash before my eyes.

- Oh, I was a beautiful boy. - Mm-hmm.

Talented, even then.

Innocent,

and oh-so very good.

So what's inside your heads? You thinking Tawny took that shot?

Oh! You think it was meant for Oliver?

If it was, that means the shot that killed Sazz

could've been meant for me,

and... who knows?

Mabel could be next.

So you're all the target!

Howard, why are you filming us?

Well, I'm the on-set documentarian-slash-talent liaison.

I was told to never stop rolling

by the, um, by the Brothers Sisters.

The killers? Get out of this cab!

We're not even in Midtown! Wait, wait, you know what?

I'll work for you. Fuck the Brothers Sisters.

If anything happens to you,

this will be evidence for the police.

Okay, fine. Keep filming.

But, uh, but, favor my left side. Slightly higher angles.

- Okay... - And no profiles!

Oh boy.

Why would the Brothers Sisters jeopardize their own film to kill Oliver?

It doesn't make any sense.

It makes perfect sense. We just can't make sense of it.

Oh look, it's my famous neighbors who have ruined the building.

Uma, step aside. I'm in a lunging mood.

Look at this. Because of you, they've installed cameras everywhere

in case we're murdered.

Can't cut a fart or steal a newspaper anymore without being watched.

Get the fuck away from me.

Nobody around here shoots the right people.

We need to get somewhere safe.

Well, seeing as someone was killed in your apartment,

and the shot came from mine, I'm feeling Oliver's.

Yes, m-mine's the least murdery.

Also, I have the most comfortable furniture.

If the shooter doesn't kill me,

Charles' stiff sofa will.

Ah.

Murderers in the building.

- Hit the close button. - I am! I am.

Hurry, Oliver!

Press it all you want, but most close buttons haven't been operational

since the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990.

Charles, we could die at any moment.

Please make your fun facts funner!

- Oh God, the sisters are in the building! - Ow!

And eerily calm! Are they toying with us?

I don't... I don't know.

It's like killer whales and their prey.

Though, technically, killer whales aren't really whales.

Funner!

Are you okay, Oliver? You seem upset.

- I seem upset? - Mm-hmm.

I seem upset?!

Oh, I don't know.

I guess because I almost died today!

Oh, my God.

- I almost died today. - Mm...

And as I was lying there, completely fine

between two bleeding people...

all I could think of was Loretta.

Why am I living another moment without the love of my life by my side?

Oh, hello.

I... Look, I-I'm just one big tub of regret.

How about a big tub of bourbon?

How about you, Charles?

What are your regrets?

Me?

- Nothing, really. - You have regrets.

I'll start you off. That ad campaign you did for saccharine.

- Hm. - Flashing that weird look

whenever I give you the opportunity to pick up the bill.

The moment you fell in love with Jan.

- True. - Hey!

She turned us on to Baked by Melissa,

and we love that place!

Oh, well that totally makes up for all the serial killing.

- Although those cinnamon rolls are good. - Yeah.

Oh my gosh...

She just called from downstairs.

- Come on, guys. What did I say? - Oh, thank God.

I had one request. One fuckin' request!

Do not let anything happen to Galifianakis!

Someone is trying to kill us, Detective! Kill me!

As someone that's wanted to kill you for the past three years,

- I understand. - Rude.

- How are Zach and Glen? - Well, Stubbins is stable but unconscious.

The bullet struck the plate in his head and deflected to Gali-fine-akis,

but don't worry. It did not hit any of his organs, oh no.

That lucky piece of adorable comedy man-meat.

- What is this? What's happening? - Just pretend I'm not here.

Yeah, nah, that's not happening. Shut that shit off.

Shut that shit off.

You oughta go upstairs and arrest the Brothers Sisters.

Tawny wears boots that match the footprint found in Dudenoff's apartment.

The exact same boots?!

Yes! So... Oh, you're playing with me.

Listen, I need more than similar footwear to get a warrant.

Well, I saw Tawny carrying a long black case right before the shooting.

It's possible the murder weapon is in there.

Then, find it!

Okay... Ugh, you did it again.

Don't forget I'm hiding one here, too.

Don't need to see my sister whacking off after hours.

Would give our film the NC-17 we've been waiting for.

Huh.

Listen, also, my little squatter,

Dudenoff? Not in Portugal.

Nope. He's been cashing social security checks

at a bodega on 125th Street.

- Dudenoff's back in New York? - Mm-hmm.

And he was here around the time Sazz died.

He has to have something to do with this.

Well, what's Dudenoff have to do with the Brothers Sisters?

Come on, Brothers Sisters, Dudenoff,

Freddy, Chucky, Jigsaw. I don't give a fuck. The bottom line is

there is someone definitely after you guys,

so you all might wanna consider moving to fuckin' Portugal.

Oh. They want me to report back to the crime scene.

Apparently, someone else has also spotted

your escaped ex, Jan Bellows,

back in the city.

And lucky me, they want me on it.

Oh! Uh...

Charles, this is for you.

This is Sazz Pataki's remains.

I don't know. I thought it would be nice for her to be with you as opposed to,

you know, on some shelf in an evidence warehouse.

Oh. I...

I'll add these to my mason jar. Thank you.

Listen, guys, don't all be heroes, okay?

I really do not feel like identifying your parts.

Do you hear me?! The fuck?!

Howard, would you turn off the camera, please?

Sure. I mean, you make content out of other people's grief, but...

Right. Sorry.

Oh!

Bev Melon just called an emergency production meeting upstairs.

- Do we go up there? - No!

We stay away from the sisters and get outta town!

No, we can't run. We need to learn

why the Brothers Sisters are wanting us dead.

- Uh, jealous of my talent? - Oh yeah.

You know, Rob Reiner once cut my brakes,

Thelma-and-Louise-ing me into the Potomac

and stole The Princess Bride from me.

Charles, what if we go upstairs,

but Howard keeps filming us? That'll keep us safe.

Good idea. No one's ever killed on camera.

Don't Google "someone killed on camera."

We solve the case, save our lives, and avenge Sazz.

Fine. I'll go up and look for that rifle case,

but keep the camera rolling.

Ooh! I get to save the day.

With our lives on the line,

it's a race against the clock to solve the case

and get justice.

You're supposed to ignore the camera.

It loves me. That would be wrong.

Putnam!

You're here!

- We have so many questions. - I got it.

One, has the closeness of death made you feel more alive?

- Absolutely. - Uh-huh.

Uh, uh, careful. Cameras. We have cameras.

Trina, Tawny, I'm back working for them, but it is not a big deal.

It is nothing to murder about.

Okay, everyone! Circle around!

Circle around.

Come on in.

- Sorry. - Um, I'm sure all of you may have heard

about our little "firearms moment" at the photo shoot,

but I'm here to assure you that, number one,

the police are on it, number two,

it will not affect the production one...

- I'm so sorry! - Oh, God. So annoying.

Okay, where was I? Um...

Yes, I just came back from the hospital,

and Zach has asked me to send all of you a little tiny message saying,

- "The show must go on!" - Whoo!

I told her I wanted out of the film.

Then, she threatened to sue me.

Then, she pulled the tube

out of my arm and sucked the pain meds

out of the IV bag like a fuckin' Capri Sun!

Oh, yes, and now... Heather, um, please,

I need you to all sign a waiver releasing me of all liability.

She'll give you pens, if we could do that.

And I'm feeling just a little bit tired, so I'm gonna take a quick cat nap.

Snappy little nap.

There's the rifle case. Zoom, zoom!

- Okay, okay. - Enhance!

Huh?

- Did you get it? - I zoomed.

I'm gonna go check on Marshall. Get some dirt on the Brothers Sisters.

Good idea. Spill the tea on 'em.

Wait, no, that's not... It's this... What is it? It's something like...

No, but it's close. I-It's like a-a tea and spilling.

Uh, no. Uh, this is gonna drive me nuts.

- Spill the tea on 'em! - Bingo!

- Yeah, yeah. Spill the tea. - Spill tea on 'em.

- Nailed it. - Yeah.

- Hey. How you holding up? - Hey.

Um, you know, two people got shot,

and we're supposed to act like nothing happened.

How's Oliver?

You know, people think the killer was going after him.

- This is so crazy. - It is.

The only ones who don't seem that thrown off are...

The twins.

I mean, above their normal baseline level of off.

You think they're suspects? Wow.

I'm not surprised actually. Have you seen their student film?

Ah, yes. Yeah.

Oliver, hurry up! We started the movie.

- What'd I miss? - So much.

It's weird.

It's called The Desecration of Alice.

It's about an elderly artist

and identical twin sisters

that he made out of clay, and they came to life.

It was a whole thing in the first scene.

And as he is their creator, so they do his bidding.

They make that point very clear.

And there's some kind of anti-sugar message.

Yes, creator. We will do your bidding.

Say the word, and we'll spoil our blade

in the flesh of your enemies.

Go! Spill some blood in my name, girls.

Vince Fish?!

Act two. The Rising Action.

Visitors!

- Hey... Oh. - Hey, hey!

Wasn't your pink eye on the other side last time we were here?

It hops. Come on in.

Rudy and I are just playing with our new toy.

Hops?

We got it at this estate sale for this old lady.

She was at that stop at the transverse, minding her own business...

Then, bam!

Decapitated by the side-view mirror of the M86 bus.

- Bam! - The bus didn't even stop

'cause it was pretty full, and there was another one right behind it.

- Oh, my God. - On the bright side, we got a drone!

It's working!

- And it's a camera drone. - So what's with the camera?

Oh, we're just shooting a little behind-the-scenes footage for the movie.

I love the movies!

I lost my hand! I lost my bride!

- Johnny has his hand! - Johnny has his hand!

Johnny has his bride!

And then Cher Bono says, "Snap out of it!"

It's from Moonstruck, Mabel. You really should see it.

Yeah, I think I've seen enough.

- Ah. - Um, we also saw another movie recently.

The Desecration of Alice.

- I was in that. - We saw.

We didn't realize you were an actor.

Or that you knew the Brothers Sisters.

Oh yeah, we didn't tell you?

Yeah, w-we all took classes with Dudenoff.

At different times.

So, he was your...?

Film professor. I wasn't much of an actor.

You know... No, no, no, I was just doing him a favor.

He said I had "desecrator vibes,"

but this guy, this guy...

Mr. Spielberg movie.

Catch Me If You Can.

I play an agent in Tom Hanks' office.

- Oh! - At the 1:07 mark,

you can see me in the far right cubicle making a phone call.

- Really? - Yeah, and then he got up

and walked to the bathroom!

But Leo DiCaprio had it cut. Too threatened.

Also, I kept looking in the lens.

Okay, so there is a connection

between the Brothers Sisters and Dudenoff.

Oh yeah, he really made them. I mean, they were his favorites.

Not ours. He would invite them to Oh Hell nights,

and they would be kissing his ass.

"We don't love our daddy. Be our daddy, Dudy."

They would do anything for him!

Alright, Rudy, alright. Come on, stop dwelling.

- It's beneath you. Come on. - Thank you.

Come on, help me pry open the window,

so we can take our drone on its maiden voyage.

Did you hear that?

Dudenoff made them. He gave them life.

So they do his bidding, just like in their movie.

Oh, my God. Did they murder for him?

- Ooh, puppet master. - Guys, guys, we should slow down.

We still don't even know why they would want us dead.

I think we should finish watching The Desecration of Alice

before we base our entire theory around it.

Great, you do that. I'm phoning Loretta

while I still feel the fleeting nature of my existence.

She should be wrapping the set by now.

Also, it's after 5:00, so it won't affect my rollover minutes.

Yeah, that hasn't been a thing for, like, 15 years.

Really?

But, no one told me. I've been so precious with my minutes.

Charles, are you coming?

I still wanna look inside that rifle case.

But it's in the office. How will you get in there without being shot?

- There we go! - Through the window.

That's, like, 15 stories up.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I have friends in high places.

I'm rolling.

Do you think you could get a look inside the Brothers Sisters' office

- without anyone noticing? - Oh yeah.

Absolutely.

I am stealth.

I am the African leopard on the Serengeti.

Quiet, cunning, precise.

I always knew those sisters were sickos.

They'd film dying animals, they'd set things on fire,

and when they eat an apple, they eat the whole thing.

The seeds. The stem.

- That little sticker. - Ugh. They're nuts.

Well, I had an aunt who ate cantaloupes like apples,

and a scientist got a grant to study her teeth.

- Wow, that's somethin'. - Mm.

Okay, come on.

We have lift-off.

Oh, go easy on the upward thrust.

- I got it. I got it. - Huh?

I got it.

Hey, guys? D-Do you have any idea why the Brothers Sisters

might dislike me or Oliver or, or Mabel?

Oh, who knows anything with those two.

Come on, halfway there.

I hear Dudenoff's back in town.

- What? What?! - What? No. He can't be.

- Where did you hear that? - You must be mistaken.

Dudenoff wouldn't come into town without saying hi.

- Vince, watch out! - I got it!

I got it! I got it! I got it...

I don't got it.

What the fuck?!

Loretta! Uh,

before you say anything, um...

something happened today

and it got me thinking and regretting things that I haven't done.

And I-I need to admit something.

In LA,

I was gonna propose to you.

And I choked.

I'm an idiot.

So, I wanna spend whatever time I have left with you.

What do you say?

Ugh...

Okay...

Well, y-you take it in.

I've said it. You've heard it.

And so...

Ugh!

Well...

- Okay, quiet on set. - Let's go again.

- Sound speed. - Remember, you've been burned

- both physically and emotionally. - Uh-huh. Uh... Ugh!

Apple mark.

Well, I finished The Desecration of Alice.

I was hoping for more clues,

but all I got is a deep fear of sugar.

How'd it go with the drone?

I'd say "crash and burn" sums it up.

Ditto with me and Loretta.

I said I regretted not proposing, and she went, "Ugh!"

Was it a...

huh?

Or more of a...

- ugh? - The second one.

- Sorry. - Oh, it's our friends.

Guess who's accessorizing?

Gravey's new collar...

is a doggy cam.

She's a doggy spy.

I'm a cadaver dog.

No, no, no, no, no!

- Oh, Gravey that's my friend! - Oh, my God!

- Oh shit, Gravey! - Oh!

- Bad Gravey! - She is not bad.

She is doing her job at being a cadaver dog

and being absolutely adorable.

Yes, you are. You're a good girl.

Howard! Bad!

Sazz's replacement joints.

Here's her left shoulder.

Thank you. Oh, no, it's not.

- Yeah. See? It says "left." - No, this one says "left."

In Bulgarian.

I learned that when I dubbed Brazzos episodes for Macedonia.

So, there's two left shoulders?

- What? - Who has two left shoulders?

Guys...

Sazz's body wasn't the only one in the incinerator.

Which means...

What?

There was another murder in the building.

Act three. The Climax.

Well, okay. Sazz told Jan there was another murder in the building,

and she was right! This was it!

So, what if Dudenoff killed someone,

put them in the incinerator,

and then when we started podcasting

- about murders in the building... - Dudenoff went into hiding.

But, he still needed someone to stop us investigating.

So he got the Brothers Sisters to do his bidding.

They spoiled their blades in the flesh of their enemies!

- Yeah. - They tried to kill me,

but they got Sazz instead. They put her body in the incinerator,

just like Dudenoff's first victim.

Exactly! It's all so simple.

Guys, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Well, it doesn't make no sense.

I'm texting the serial number of this...

second shoulder to Williams.

See if she can ID the person

that was killed.

Okay, let's see.

How do we get the Brothers Sisters to confess?

- Hm... - How do we get them to conf...

Howard! Point that somewhere else! I can't think with that in my face!

- Okay. - I agree! It's unnerving being filmed.

- Oh. - Turn it off, Werner Herzog.

That's it.

We go on the offense.

We turn the tables and the camera on them!

See how they like it! We throw them off balance,

so they just spill the tea everywhere!

- In the... rugs and places. - Right.

Ooh!

Is everything okay?

Oh, no, no, it's fine. I just thought it might be from Loretta, but it's...

from Carpets USA offering me a promo code for a free rug pad.

Just because you have regrets, doesn't mean you can fix all of them.

And if you could send me that promo code at some point...

Oliver, I'm sorry.

No, no, no. It's fine. Listen, i-if my soulmate doesn't wanna be with me,

I don't wanna be with her. Come on, let's go...

confront our would-be assassins. I'm gonna get my video camera, too.

- Ooh, is it digital? - VHS.

Retro.

- Are you okay? - Uh...

Turns out, I do have a regret.

If our podcast really did get Sazz killed,

I'd never forgive myself.

We're gonna solve this case.

We have to solve this case.

Now, where's that zoom button?

Okay, let's go.

Cameras down, ladies.

It's time for us to ask the questions, and you to buckle

under the gaze of a lens.

- What's wrong with this thing? - Are we suspects?

Oh, we have to film this.

Where were you the night Sazz Pataki was murdered?

We were here in the Arconia.

- What? - You were?

We came to visit a friend.

- And that friend was Milton Dudenoff. - Yes.

- Admit it! - She just did.

So, you were in his apartment that night?

Yes. We got in using the password he always used.

- His favorite card game. - Oh Hell?

Exactly, but upside down.

Seven-seven-three-four-four-zero. Yeah, we know.

- Keep it moving, sister. - Dudenoff was your film professor,

and you were his star pupils.

As he was your creator, so you do his bidding!

Of course.

Even kill?

- Ugh. Creepy! - So disturbing.

Is it too late to drop his course?

Professor Dudenoff was the first person who ever believed in us.

Well, those students were...

pretty upset by your film.

Ignore the critics and just keep shooting.

Okay? Wait...

These are for you.

Professor Dudenoff,

you're giving us your Super 8s?

Well, my bones are too creaky

to lug those things around anymore. Uh...

How can we ever repay you?

He was our mentor. Our everything.

So would we kill for him?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

It's time to take a look inside that rifle case of yours.

Oh, my God. Guys, they just identified the other left shoulder.

Was it the guy who used to scream in the lobby about loving Zabar's?

I haven't seen him for ages. What was his name?

It belongs...

to Dudenoff.

Dudenoff was in the incinerator.

He w... He's not in Portugal or New York.

Dudenoff was murdered.

No.

He's dead?

When was the last time you spoke to him?

Uh, um, i-i-it's been a while. Three years?

We said we wanted to make bigger movies to earn real money. He hated that.

We moved to LA, and he, he cut off all communication.

It was devastating.

Then, this movie set in the place he lived came up, and...

I mean, it was beneath us, but...

We took it. To be close to him.

But still, he didn't answer our calls.

Now, we know why.

Oh!

Well, if you're not our killers,

why have you been sneaking around with this rifle case?

- This part is jammed badly. Oh. - Oliver! Just...

What?

Huh?

It's a camera case. We've been making a film within our film,

a behind-the-scenes thing.

We put hidden cameras in our production office

and in your apartments.

That's an invasion of privacy. And it's illegal!

Not really. You gave us permission in the life rights contract you signed.

I seriously couldn't believe it.

Oh, great. "Don't worry, guys. Uh, we don't need a lawyer.

I have signed millions of contracts."

- Saw that coming. - Dudenoff always said,

"Keep shooting, and the story will reveal itself."

He would've been so proud of us.

Keep shooting.

Okay.

We have two murders now.

Who killed Sazz...

and who killed Dudenoff?

And who was pretending to be Dudenoff cashing the checks at the bodega?

We need to look into that.

Oh, my God, that's it!

- What do you got? - Doug.

The guy who used to love Zabar's, his name was Doug.

Okay.

Act four. The Denouement.

You're slaying that jumpsuit, by the way.

I got it at the Rikers Auction.

Something about being swaddled in the dried sweat of the imprisoned...

sets me free.

Make sure you get all of the cameras.

What's this? Oh! I found another camera!

Ugh. Like we'd shoot in 720p.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

So then...

whose camera is this?

What?

It's from Sazz's phone.

What?

I got one, too.

But this is from five days ago 'cause I'm wearing my Monday jammies.

Oh, my God.

Not you, too?

What the fuck?

These aren't from your cameras?

- No. - Oh.

Alright.

The killer is watching us right now.

Oh, they've been watching us.

For how long?

This is fucked. I got the wide shot.

Good.

I'm watching you.

Okay, okay.

- W-We are not safe in this building. - You think?

Charles, you were right. We have to get out of here now.

What started as a defense for two innocents accused of being bad snipers

turned into a found-footage film

about the murder of our mentor.

Look. Did we murder?

Sure.

We murdered the rules of narrative storytelling.

But nothing more.