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Ladies and gentlemen,
Jesus Trejo!

What's up, everybody?

Yeah!

Thanks for coming out,
you guys.

Hey!

Thanks for coming out, man.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Well, thank you, guys.
That's my time.

Man, thanks for coming out, man.
I'm excited, man.

This is it.
Um, man... life's good.

I can't complain.
I just got an hourglass, so...

Very excited, man.
I ordered an hourglass

and, man, it came
and I was so excited.

I don't know
what I needed it for,

but I was like, "I need one."

Well, the problem was
I-I ordered a wrist watch

and an hourglass came.
I'm like, "Oh, damn it."

-You know?

Don't order stuff online high,
you know?

But I use it.
It was great.

I would use it
to time everything.

I would time my showers.
I just...

just go for it, you know?

And I would check in with it.
Just...

I'm like,
"I still got some sand."

You know what I mean?

I would time my number twos.
That was fun, you know?

Just...
and just go for it.

Like, "Ah, right."

I learned something.
I learned that your legs

fall asleep about the hour mark.
So...

That was fun, you know?

But I kept using it and I felt
like something was off.

I did not know what it was,
you know?

And, uh, so I used my phone
and I timed it

'cause, hell, I got all day,
you know?

So I timed it and it stopped
at 47 minutes.

I'm like,
"Aw, that can't be right.

So, let's try it again."
You know?

Timed it, stopped it,
47 minutes.

I'm like,
"Damn...now what?"

-So I called customer service.

And I said, "Excuse me,
I'm having a hard time

with my hourglass.
It's--It seems to be defective."

And she's like,
"Well, how can I help you?"

I said, "Well, um...
I just need you to send me

13 minutes worth of sand.

Hello?"
And she's like, "I'm here.

I'm here."
I'm like, "All right, cool."

She's like,
"That seems very odd to me."

I'm like, "Yeah,
you're telling me, you know?"

She's like, "Well--Well,
like, how would I even do that?"

I'm like, "Look, just send me
13 minutes worth of sand.

Like, grab an hourglass,
turn it over,

wait 13 minutes,
put your finger there...

put that in the baggie
and send it to me."

She goes, "This is the craziest
call I've ever had."

She's like, "How much does
13 minutes worth of sand

even weigh?"
I said, "Great question.

-Uh, let me look it up."

So, I looked it up
on Google Conversion

and I learned something.

I found out that
you can't convert

-volume to time.

Even Google was like,
"What the fuck did you mean?"

So I told her.
I said, "I can't convert

volume to time."
She's like, "You know what?

Um...
I'm gonna put you on hold.

I'm gonna talk to my manager."
I said, "Great.

Thank you.
Appreciate it."

So I'm on hold for an hour.

I'm just waiting.
Listening to classical music.

Some Chopin.
Who knows, right?

She comes back.
She's like, "You know what?

I have some answers for you.
I said, "I'm all ears."

All right, she's like,
"Well, it turns out

that sometimes the manufacturers
of hourglasses

change the source from which
the sand comes from

so there's some discrepancies
in the sand.

Therefore, you know,
sometimes you get a different

count on the hour."
And I said, "Well, I don't know

-what you just said, you know?"

I said, "I was on hold
for an hour for that?"

She's like, "Are you sure
it wasn't 47 minutes?"

-I'm like, "Game on, lady."

And, uh, man,
we went back and forth.

She wasn't happy
and then she hit me

with the line
that I was so jealous--

'cause I'm a comic
I love a good joke,

but I wasn't ready for it.
She literally goes,

"I don't know what to tell you.

Maybe you got
the quicksand model."

I'm like,
"Oh, you fucking bitch."

-Hung up.

I was like,
"All right, I'm outta here."

But thank you, guys,
for coming out, man.

-This is very exciting.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Very, very exciting, man.

Uh, I'll introduce myself.
Uh, my name's Jesus Trejo.

Uh, I'm from
Long Beach, California.

-Born and raised.

Yeah, yeah!
Long Beach!

Yeah, born and raised.
Uh, I'm a only child

-which is great, you know?
- Yeah!

Yeah, you, too?
Hell yeah.

Trying to get attention.
I like it. Hell yeah.

That's a only child right there.
For sure.

Did you have imaginary friends?

I did.
Hell yeah.

You know what sucks
about having imaginary friends?

When you run into them
as a grown up.

I ran into one the other day
at the grocery store.

I'm like,
"David, what's up, player?"

He act like he didn't see me,
you know what I'm saying?

I like being an only child.
Man, it was great.

That's how I grew up.

Um, you know, if you ever wonder
what it's like

to be a only child and have fun,
go to any bar,

wait till 2:00 a.m.,
look at that one drunk guy

just standing there by himself
looking down

and every two minutes
you just see him go,

-"Ha! That's funny."

That's how I grew up.

With great imagination.

But Long Beach is beautiful.
It's a beautiful town, man.

One of my, uh, fondest memories
is getting chased

-by a crackhead, you know?

It was great, man.
If you know anything

about crackheads
you know that they have

infinite amount of energy.

They don't get tired,
they're skinny,

-and aerodynamic.

So, I was walking home from
school and this crackhead

started to chase me
and I'm trying to talk

to the guy.
I'm like, "What do you want?"

He's like, "I want your shoes."
I'm like, "But they're mine."

He's like, "Give 'em to me!"
I'm like, "Aah..."

So I started running
and, uh, he chased me.

And finally he grabbed me,
threw me on the ground,

and look,
I don't know how to fight,

so I didn't know
how this was gonna go down.

He started taking my shoes off.

My only defense was to curl my
toes inside the shoe.

I thought I was a genius.
I was like in my head

I'm gonna hold on to the shoe
a little longer.

He kept pulling.
I kept arcing.

Took my shoes and left, man.

And I walked home in my socks
and that sucks

'cause I didn't wanna
get 'em dirty.

I would get a ass whooping
when I get home, you know?

So, I got home.
My dad was pissed.

He's like,
"Hey, I just bought those shoes.

Where are they?"
I'm like, "They took 'em."

He's like, "You didn't curl
your toes like I told you to?"

I'm like,
"Dad, I tried,

but the guy
tickled me and I let go."

That's a true story.
I got tickled by a crackhead.

You know how scary that is?
To fear for your life,

-but also have a good time?

Like, "
No, those are my shoes."

So my dad was like,

"You know what?
I'm gonna put you in karate."

He did.
He put me in karate.

He tried to toughen me up.

Make me, like,
a big, tough guy,

but, man, karate's a rip off.

Nobody stands still
in a real fight.

They hit back.

I took it for five years.
I'll show you in two seconds

everything I learned.
Ready?

Here we go.

-That's it, you know?

-Oh, thank you, guys.

Yeah, try doing that
in a real fight.

See how it goes, you know?

I don't wanna brag,
but I got a orange belt

in karate.
Just means perfect attendance.

My first fight
was in middle school.

I thought I was ready.
Some kid took my backpack.

I'm like, "Hey, that's mine."
He's like, "No, it's mine."

And I'm like,
"No, my name's on it."

He's all, "Fight me for it."
I'm like, "All right."

And he squared up
on me properly.

I'm like, "Oh, shit,
I don't know that one."

So I just did what I knew.
I went into my routine.

-Just,

He didn't let me finish.
He just went for the hit.

I'm like, "Oh, shit.

Like that hurt, man.

You're going out of order,
man.

You're supposed to bow first,
man.

And your shoes are still on,
man.

-This is concrete.

We need the blue mats
only, man."

Long Beach, I love it, man.

I got held
at gunpoint three times

before the age of 18.
Yeah.

-I'm getting good, you know?

I know it sounds weird,
but, man, I learned a lot

getting held at gunpoint.

Like, I found out
how religious I was.

I found out how well
I can follow directions.

Getting held at gunpoint
is like hot yoga,

but you sweat a lot more,
you know?

You think yoga poses are hard?

Wait till
you have a gun to your head.

"Don't move, motherfucker!"
You're like, "Oh, shit.

All right.

"Get on the ground!"
"That's downward dog.

Just so you know."

-Yeah, man.

First time I got held
at gunpoint, um...I was a kid.

I probably was nine or ten.
Who knows?

And, uh, I was with my mom.

We were going
to the grocery store.

We're having
a great conversation.

Uh, probably talking about
something

she wanted to talk about.
Like, Transformers

-or Ninja Turtles.

So we're walking.
Having a good time.

And as we're walking
this guy turns the corner,

gun out, and, uh, he's like,
"Hey, give me the money.

I'm not trying to hurt you guys.
Just give me the money."

Now the problem is
my mother does not speak

or understand English.
So I had to translate.

I was an accomplice
to the fucking robbery.

You guys ever held mom
at gunpoint?

'Cause I did.

To look your sweet mother
in the eyes and go...

Dinero.

And she forked over the money.
He grabbed it and he took off.

And he was a man of his word.
I respect that.

He didn't hurt us,
you know?

But when I got home
my dad was pissed, you know?

My mom was upset.
My dad was upset.

And my dad looks at me and goes,

"So, what'd you do, karate guy?
What'd you do?"

"I just translated."

Second time I got held
at gunpoint, uh,

I was about in middle school.

I had a big 'ole fake chain
that I saved up for.

Uh, they call them
dookie ropes.

Beautiful fake chains,
you know?

And, uh,
it was my pride and joy.

I worked all summer.
And I'm going to school.

This is about 7:00 a.m.
I'm walking to school

and this Camaro pulls up...

guy jumps out.
Gun out.

He's like, "Hey,
give me the chain, home boy."

And in my head I was like,
"Man, this is early

-for this shit.

This is very early,
you know?"

Well, you know what?
I really respect anyone

who wakes up early
and goes to work, you know?

Right?
I'm not here to judge.

That's a family man
providing right there, you know?

You got my respect, homie.

He gets close,
he grabs my chains.

Like, "Give me the chain,
motherfucker."

I'm like, "Oh, it's fake."
He's like,

"You think I give a fuck?"

I'm like,
"I don't wanna waste your time."

He took it, man, took the chain.
Pistol-whipped me.

That sucked.
And, uh, he left.

To this day I do not wear
any jewelry.

No watches, rings, metal.

Even my apartment keys
are plastic.

-Fuck it, you know?

I'm not getting
a real ass whooping

over a fake chain anymore.

I enjoy those.

They sound bad,
but I really enjoy those.

It builds character,
you know?

The third one was my favorite,
man.

-Yeah, it was good, man.

It felt so good.
Uh, 18 years old.

I was doing laundry.

That laundromat
is still there, actually.

7th and Magnolia.
Long Beach.

And, uh,
I'm finished doing my laundry.

Uh, I have one extra quarter.
I'm like, "My lucky day."

So I put it
into a Pac-Man machine

and I'm killing it.
I'm playing.

I'm doing well
and, uh, before I know it

this guy comes up.
Puts a gun to my head.

He's like, "Hey, homie,
give me your money."

And at first I thought
it was a friend.

And at first I didn't think
it was a gun.

I thought it was, like,
a cell phone or a stapler.

Who know, you know?
I just felt it cold and, uh,

I-I tried to make eye contact.

I'm like, "Who is it?"
You know?

That startled him and he's like,
"Look the fuck down."

I'm like, "All right,
that's not a friend for sure."

-You know?

He would've said something
by now, you know?

So, I have the gun to my head
and, uh, now I'm scared.

But at the same time
I'm flattered

because, shit, he thinks
I have money, you know?

-That's pretty cool.

Look, I don't think
there's bad people.

I think there's bad choices.

And I don't think
he was a bad guy.

That fucker
saw potential in me.

Right?
That's pretty good.

Think about it.
A guy with a gun

walks in, scans the room.

Looks at me and is like,
"That's my man."

It's like,
"Oh, thank you so much."

I feel flattered, man.

It's like,
"You picked me."

So, gun to my head.
He starts patting me down.

Nothing, man.
He moves over to my left side

'cause my wallet was in
my front left pocket, right?

So, when he moves over
to my left side there was

enough suction built
up in the barrel of the gun

that when he moved, like,
I heard a...

and it made him laugh.
Like,

And I laughed, too,
'cause his laugh made me laugh.

Like, "
Did you hear that?"

-You know?

Here's how stupid I was.
I thought we were

-sharing a moment there.

Like, you know
when somebody's mad at you

you make 'em laugh?
You're like, "Oh,

you're not mad at me no more."
You know?

In my head I'm like,
"You're not robbing me."

He's like, "Shut the fuck up!"
I'm like, "Oh, he's robbing me."

So, he gets to my left side,
pats me down.

Nothing.
He gets to my wallet...

he takes my wallet out, man.

And I see his face
just drop.

Like, I don't know if
you've ever let somebody down

while they're robbing you...

but he was disappointed
when he realized that my wallet

-had Velcro on it.

Velcro on a wallet
is not a sign of wealth.

-They put that there for coins.

I had no bills in my wallet.

I just had a lot
of Canadian pennies

I found interesting
over the years, you know?

'Cause when you're young
that's fun.

you find a Canadian penny
you're like, "Ohh, wow!

Look at this.
That's different." You know?

"Pot leaf?
No, maple. All right."

And, uh, the guy's just
pissed off, man.

He has a gun in one hand,

my Spider-Man wallet
on the other...

and he's pissed!
I'm wasting his time, you know?

He goes,
"Really, motherfucker?"

-I go, " Yeah."

And I used to think cartoons
made that in predicaments.

You know,
when they're in trouble they go,

But if you're a human

in a predicament,
You can make it, too.

So, he shakes his head, man.
He's shaking his head

and, uh, he--he starts
to open my wallet.

Now, if you've ever owned
a Velcro wallet

you know that you need these
four fingers free and clear

to get in there and .

-Get a clean open.

He didn't put the gun away.

I thought that was very
interesting.

Ballsy, you know?

So, he's holding on
to the wallet.

He's going...

Finally he opens it.

Pennies everywhere.

It looked like
Sonic the Hedgehog

-had run into something.

And I dropped down
to my hands and knees

and started picking 'em up

before they fade away.

I've played the game before,
you know?

And as I'm doing that,
the guy decides to grab

my wallet
and just throws it at me

and it hits me.
I'm like, "Ow."

He's all,
"Look at me motherfucker!"

I'm like, "Uh-huh."
He's all, "Do better next time,

-you broke motherfucker."

And that hurt my feelings,
man.

What I wanted to tell him
is like, "Hey, man,

you're robbing people
at a laundromat.

You're gonna get coins
every time, man."

Maybe you should do better."

Went to Vegas last year.

-Yeah, Vegas is fun.

I went to old Vegas
'cause it's cheaper, you know?

So I went to old Vegas,
It was my friend's birthday.

We were having a great time,
you know?

And, uh, we walk into this bar.
It's packed.

It's at capacity.

And, um, we want to get
to the bar, but it's so packed

that we gotta do one of these.
Like, "Oh, excuse me.

Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me."

And we're doing that
trying to get to the bar,

but as we're doing that,
my homie makes a mistake

of stepping on a guy's shoes
on accident.

The guy pushes him
and I freak out.

I don't know what to do.

So I just started
cleaning the bar window

like I work there.
Just...

What the hell
am I gonna do in a fight?

Cheer him on?
Like, "We got this, bro.

-Get him." You know?

"You can do it, bro."

So, fun fact about me.
I cry very easy, you know?

I hate that about myself,
you know?

It's like a super power
that sucks, you know?

So I see my homie
arguing with the guy

and already my breathing pattern
is changing.

Just...

Like, "Jacob, let's just
get outta here, man!"

He turns around.
He's like, "Nah,

-the hell with this guy!
-I'm like..."

You don't even know him,
man!

So, they're going at it.
I'm crying.

And I'm crying more and more.

Now they break into a fight.
They're fighting.

I'm crying.
I'm wiping tears the long way.

Like,
" Jacob!"

I'll give it to Jacob.

He knows how to fight
a little bit.

You know,
he was like bobbin' and weavin'

trying to do his thing,
but the guy he was fighting

was like legit trained.

'Cause my homie's
throwing punches,

but the guy's like
getting out of the way.

Out of every single punch.
Then he decides--

my homie, decides to throw
a overhand right.

And, uh, the guy dodges it,
gets underneath,

and just hits him in the chin.
Boo!

Just control, alt, deleted
his ass.

It might've been an Alt F4,
who knows?

And he just hits the ground.
I lose it.

-" Jacob!"

The bouncer runs in.
He looks at me.

He's like, "You're trouble, man!
Get outta here!"

I'm like,
"I didn't do nothing, man!"

He grabs my friend,
picks him up.

He's like,
"You're outta here, bro!"

And, uh, other bouncers come in.
They grab that guy

and they start taking him out.
People start leaving the bar.

They wanna see
what happens outside, you know?

People have their phones out.
They're recording.

It's scary.
Now, I can't get out

'cause it bottlenecks, you know?
So, I'm in the back just crying.

Just...

People are more concerned
for me then my friend.

He's the one
that got knocked out.

"What happened?"
" He knocked him out.

It's his birthday,
by the way."

He's all, "Really?"
"Yeah, he has a birthday hat."

So, by the time I get outside,
the birthday hat's all crooked.

He's all wobbly.
Still trying to fight the guy.

And the guy just decides
to finish him off, man.

He--He hits him with the right.
Drops him.

Gets on top.
Starts choking him out

UFC style
and it's scary.

But the whole time
this is happening,

the guy choking my friend
had a dude on the sidewalk

coaching him through the fight.

So, all I hear is,
"Left hand! There you go!

Choke him out!
Make him tap out!"

So I started coaching my friend.
I'm like, "Say you're sorry.

Apologize!

Play dead!

Curl your toes!"

Oh, thank you, guys.

He got beat up, man.

I realized something that day.
It's like the best thing

I can do for someone in a fight
is maybe record it.

Like, "Jacob, this is where
you messed up right here.

Look, I paused
at a minute seven.

He got you, bro.

But look how clean
the windows are, you know?"

I just wish I was tougher,
man.

I'm just not that guy,
you know?

It's like, uh,
about a year ago

I do a show in L.A.
I do a show at The Comedy Store

and I'm walking home.
It's about 1:00 a.m., right?

I parked kinda far away.
So, I'm walking home.

I'm just
minding my own business.

Just being an only child going,
"Ha! That's funny."

-You know?

And I'm walking and I'm about
to cross a corner

and I see a guy on the corner

I'm about to cross into,
right?

And I see him.
Big pants, a tight wife beater,

tattoos, muscles,
nice guy, you know?

Approachable, you know?

If I had to describe
what he looked like,

I'd say he looked like
he was self-employed

-for sure, you know?

He was doing well for himself,
you know?

So, I see him.
I keep my head down.

I want no smoke, you know?

So, I keep walking.
I'm walking.

Soon as I get in front of him,
the first thing he tells me,

he goes,
"Hey, homie, you a bitch."

And I didn't know
if it was an old friend

or a psychic,
but this guy knew me.

I'm like,
"Man, that's pretty good, bro."

And I was stunned, man.
I didn't know what to do.

Like,
I wasn't gonna fight the guy.

I wasn't gonna, like,
run 'cause...

my knees were a little wobbly.

So my first instinct
was to give him a high five.

I'm like,
"Okay. Thank you."

No high five.

So I try to walk away
'cause I learned that in karate.

Believe it or not.

If somebody fucks with you,
just walk away.

Find an adult.

So I try to walk away

and the guy--So, I get about,
like, 25, 50 paces out.

The guy runs over,
cuts me off,

he gets in my face.
We're touching noses.

My nose is scrunched back.

He's swelling up on me
like a angry toad.

-And he's talking shit.

He's like, "Hey, homie,
I say you a bitch."

I was like, "
I heard you first time."

I was scared.
I've never stood up for myself.

I was like 32 years old
and I'm 33 now, but, you know?

I was--I was younger,
you know?

I was young, man.

And, uh, I've--I've never
stood up for myself,

but I felt like I had to.
I ha--I had no choice

at that point.
And this is where I messed up.

I got a little aggressive.

I got really aggressive.
I fucked up.

I looked the guy in the face
and I go,

"Hey, man,
what's your problem?"

He was quick. He's all,
"My problem is you a bitch."

I'm like,
"But that's my problem."

It was the best comeback
I had at the time, you know?

I was scared, man.
I've never had a redhead

talk to me that way,
you know?

I've never seen a red-headed
thug, but they're out there.

I didn't get his gang name.
I'm sure it's something special.

Like Pico de Gallo
or something.

Sriracha. I don't know.

And then he throws me off,
right?

He throws me off.
He's all, "Hey, homie,

I'ma ask you again.
Are you a bitch?"

And in my head I'm like,
"Why is it a question now?

So now I can't even talk.
I have a knot in my throat,

my knees are giving out on me,

I'm crying for sure,

but now there's a question
on the table

I need to answer.

So I just closed my eyes
and I say, "No."

But he's so close to me
that when I said no,

-I gave him an Eskimo kiss.

He didn't see it coming
and I didn't see it coming.

I felt the exact moment
he felt it.

He's like--Kinda did that.
I'm like...

It made me open my eyes.
I'm like, "Whoa. What happened?"

You know?

And he got all embarrassed
and he just walked away.

And I just saw him walk away.
I'm like, "Damn,

-I just won my first fight."

-Yeah!

I won my first fight by default.

Fucking got his ass,
you know what I mean?

Yeah, man.
Life, man.

Life, life.
You guys have parents?

Oh, cool.
Me, too, man.

We have a lot in common,
you guys.

Yeah, man, I have parents.
They're beautiful people.

My mom,
very adorable, man.

Best way I can describe my mom,
she's the type of lady

who has a fake flower
in a vase with real water.

Like, hoping for a miracle.
"It's gonna happen." You know?

She'll change the water
on the vase.

I'm like, "Mom, you don't
find it weird that the water

doesn't go down?"

She's like, "It's a miracle."
I'm like, "Ah, you got me."

My mom is the best, man.
She's so cool.

Like, my mom claims
to have a psychic ability.

It's just very delayed.

Like, she knows exactly
what's gonna happen,

-but after the fact.

Somebody stole a camera
out of my car

and I told my mom.
I said, "Mom, somebody stole

a camera out of my car."
She's like, "You know what?

-I had a dream last night.

I knew it."

I'm like,
"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because if I tell you,
you don't believe me.

That's how you are."
I'm like, "All right...

just let me
get robbed out here."

She's like,
"What it the black camera?"

I'm like, "Yeah."
"Yup, that's the one.

For pictures?"
I'm like, "Yes, that's the one."

"Yeah, I-I knew it.
That's the one.

They took it?"
I'm like, "Yes, I know that."

So sweet, you know?

My dad--I love my dad,
just a lot of tough love,

you know?
And I don't mind it.

I love how he raised me,
but just a lot of tough love.

Like I remember once my dad
telling me that I'm lazy

and if I was a Transformer
I'd be a futon.

It's like who writes that
on a birthday card, you know?

Seems a little mean.

Yeah, my dad's my hero, man.

Oh, I read that book
The Five Love Languages .

I thought it was a great book,
you know?

And I asked my dad.
I said, "Dad,

what's your love language?"
He's like, "Silence."

-I'm like, "All right, cool."

I'm like,
"What do you mean?"

He's all,
"Shh, shh, shh, shh."

"Got it."

Yeah, man.

I have a phobia of dogs.
I can't be around dogs.

I got attacked
when I was nine years old.

I was working with my dad
and, uh, I was mowing lawns.

And a dog came
and got my left kneecap,

took off with it.
I'm like, "Hey, I need that."

My dad saw
the whole thing go down.

I'm like, "Dad!
What do I do?"

He's like,
"Get back to work."

And that's what I did.
Two weeks go by, right?

And I'm in bed.
I'm recovering, you know?

And my father woke me up
for school by grabbing

my left knee and going,

That'll get you
out of bed like that!

I'm like, "Dad,
that why I pee the bed,

you know that, right?"

Like, I never woke up my father
with his fears.

Like, "Bill collectors!"
You know?

I don't know why
he would do that to me.

He's a great guy, man.
Love him.

Like--Like my dad
used to embarrass me

'cause he had this huge
trophy case at the house

full of trophies.
The thing is, he didn't earn

-not one of 'em.

He just found 'em all.

My friends would come over
and they would be impressed.

Like, "Damn,
look at all these trophies."

I'm like, "Yeah,
read the names, man.

None of 'em match."

But he was proud of one trophy.
Whenever they would come over

he would start
taking trophies out.

Guys, this is my favorite one
right here."

I'm like, "Dad, no one's gonna
believe that you play lacrosse."

-He's like, "Yes, I did.

They gave this to me
when I "lacrosse" the border.

They said, 'Here you go.'"

I don't think that's what
it means, but all right.

I love him, man.
My mom, a couple years ago,

got cancer.
Got a brain tumor.

And, uh, things got a little--
a little weird, man.

It's like when you--
Uh, the person you love,

your mother, is, uh,
you know, facing life and death,

it's tough, you know?
And that was a really...

hard time for me
and, uh, during that time

I got Power of Attorney.
You know, over my mother

'cause we didn't know
what was gonna happen.

And, uh, they told my mom.

Like, "Your son
has Power of Attorney,"

But I don't know what she heard,
but she thinks

-I'm a powerful attorney...

and I don't wanna tell her
that I have Power of Attorney.

I don't wanna let her down,
you know?

She's so proud.
I'm like, "Damn it, I'm stuck."

She's bragging about it
to her friends.

"Oh, he's very powerful,
this guy.

If you need something legal,
talk to him.

-Powerful!"

And when you get Power
of Attorney over a loved one,

they do this thing
where they do an appraisal

of your family's estate.
And they did that with us.

You know, and it turns out
that my family's estate

is valued at sentimental.
Um, so...

So I'm just
gonna inherit grudges

and undeveloped film roll
apparently.

-Yeah.

Years later, man.
Years later my father also got,

uh, cancer as well, man.

And, uh, I was there.
I was actually there

when my dad got diagnosed,
you know?

I was there and I'm sitting
beside my father,

the doctor's there
and, uh, again,

my father does not know how
to speak or understand English

so I'm there to translate,
you know?

And, uh, the doctor goes,
"Hey, can you tell your father

that this is the diagnosis
and this is a picture."

So I translate.
I say, "Hey, Dad, this is

what's going on and, uh,
he said you have cancer."

My dad's like,
"That's not mine."

The doctor was like,
"What happened?"

"Oh, he said it's not his."

He said, "No, I can assure you
that it--it's his

and this is the paperwork."
And I explained

that to him and he goes,
"No, no, no, no.

Tell him that this is the same
picture they give everybody.

And they just
wanna get money outta me.

Come on, let's go."

And my dad beat cancer.
He's cancer free.

He beat cancer
on denial alone.

-So, yeah!

How amazing is that?

I wish I could be
as stubborn as my dad one day.

He's like, "Fuck it."
They say the mind is powerful.

It is.
"How'd you beat cancer?"

-"I didn't have it."

Like, "Wow. Hell yeah."

But that was a tough time
for me, man,

'cause I took over
the family business.

My dad was out of, you know,
he couldn't work, you know?

So I took over
the family business

and I was happy to do so.
I stopped doing comedy

for some time, too,
and I'm out there mowing lawns.

I remember the day--
the day I had to go out

there on my own.
So, I'm mowing lawns

and this owner of the house
comes out.

Good friends with my father
for years, you know?

And he comes out.
He's like, "Hey, man,

can I talk to you?"
I said, "Yeah, what's up?"

So I go over there.
We're talking.

He's like, "Hey, man,
I heard about your father.

I'm really sorry."
I said, "Thank you, man."

He's like,
"Man, I hope he gets better."

I'm like, "Thanks, man."
But the whole time he's talking

to me he's not
making eye contact.

He's looking at his yard work.

He's like, "Oh..."

He's all, "I hope your father
gets better.

And, um,
yeah, he's a good guy.

And, um..."

Now I'm like, "Oh, boy,
I'm getting fired today."

He's like,
"Can I tell you something?"

I said, "Yes, what's up?"

He said,
"You can't tell your dad."

I said, "I won't."

He's like,
"Man, you're way better

at this than your father."
I'm like, "What?"

It's like that's when
I felt like I lived

the American Dream
backwards.

I went to college,
got educated,

followed my dreams
of being a comic,

then mow lawns.

It's like, "Shit,
I don't wanna find out

that this is my calling."
You know what I mean?

This is what I should've
been doing the whole time.

Damn it!

But I worry about my parents
'cause, like,

I'm a caregiver at this point.
I'm a caregiver to my parents.

It feels like I'm raising 'em.

Everything they told me
not to do as a kid,

as they're getting older,
they're doing it.

Staring? They love it.
They just stare for no reason.

I remember once
eating with my mom.

We were sitting there
and my mom out of nowhere

stands up and goes,
"That's a ugly shirt

that guy has."
I'm like, "Awesome. For sure.

-He heard you."

I look over there.
The guy's giving me

the "what the hell" hands.

He's says,
"What the hell, man?"

I'm like, "I'm sorry, sir.
She's little.

-She don't know.

Trying to raise her right,
you know?"

It's so crazy.
Like, my parents I-I--

I want them to be around,
but if they keep eating

the way they do,
they're not.

You know, they're like kids.
They want to eat

everything
they're not supposed to.

Greasy foods, sweets,
all of it.

The doctor told both of my
parents that they cannot

eat red meat and greasy foods,
you know?

And my dad loves it.
Chicharrónes?

His favorite food ever.

If you guys don't know
what chicharrónes are,

they're, uh, pork fat
fried in pork...fat.

And if you've never had 'em,
yes, they're delicious.

It's so good, man,
but it's like my dad goes

on these walks, you know?
He goes on these walks

and he'll be out walking
and, uh, he comes back home,

-his lips all shiny.

I'm like, "What happened?"

"What?
I went for a walk."

I'm like, "Your lips
are all shiny."

He's all, "Oh, shit."
"Chicharrónes?"

He's like,
"Yeah, you know."

Loves chicharrónes.
I remember one time

I came home,
I was out on a road trip,

I was out doing shows
and I come back home

and as soon as I walk
into--into the apartment,

I look towards the kitchen
and there's a red bag

on top of the refrigerator.
And it was a paper bag

and it looked wet
from, like, oil.

I'm like, "Dang it, man."
That's what's so crazy about,

like,
my dad eating chicharrónes.

Like,
one time my dad got so mad

that I poured hot grease
down the drain.

He said it was gonna clog up.

I'm like,
"You have no problem eating it."

He's like, "It's expensive
to unclog a drain!"

"It's a lot more expensive
to unclog a artery.

I'll tell you that,
you know?"

But I saw the paper bag there
and I was so let down, man.

One, my parents are not
supposed to eat that.

Two,
my parents are five foot.

I'm 6'3".
I'm gonna see it.

That hurt.
That means my parents

worked together...

to hide chicharrónes
in plain sight.

"Okay, you get the chair."
"All right, let's do it."

My mom helped
my dad get on top,

kept his balance, and hid it
from me in plain sight.

That hurt, man.

'Cause if you're gonna hide
something from me,

put it underneath
the refrigerator.

So, I grabbed the bag
and they were in the bedroom

and I go in there.
I kick the door open.

And both of my parents are like,

"Oh."
Like, "What happened?"

My dad looks down,
sees the bag of chicharrón

in my hand.
He's like, ""

I'm like, "Guys, do you guys
know what this is?"

And they're both up against
the wall scared.

Like, it looked like I caught
two seventh graders

sharing a pack of cigarettes,
you know?

They're scared.
I'm like, "Dad, do you know

what this is?"
He's like, "No.

-It's not mine."

I'm like, "Are you sure, Dad?"
He's like, "Yeah.

I'm holding them for a friend."
You know?

It's like, "You're lying
to me, Dad."

And my mom has this
super power, man.

-It's called Catholic guilt.

She'll lie for my father
right in front of me.

She slid out with an excuse
like the Temptations.

-Just,

"Listen, he told you
they're not his,

but if you wanna act that way,
be that way."

I'm like, "Whoa."

Like, how do I feel
like the bad person now,

you know?

I don't know what to do.
I think I gotta start

searching my apartment
for snack contraband

like it's a prison cell.

Bring the neighbor's kid,
Arturo, little chubby kid.

He can smell snacks
from a mile away.

Like, "Mom, Dad,
this is Arturo."

"Wait, hold on, bro.

-Hold on. Hold on.

He can smell snacks
from a mile away.

If there's anything in here
you want me to know about,

tell me now
'cause if he finds it--

Hold on, bro! Hold on!

I will call
your primary care physician.

-Okay?"

I don't know
how to get through to them.

I want them to be around,
but I don't want them

to keep eating unhealthy.

I saw this show called
Scared Straight.

I don't know
if you guys seen it.

It's been around
for a long time.

Um, Scared Straight.
The premise of the show

is kids
who are messing up in life,

they take 'em to a prison,
they scare 'em

in hopes of them
turning their life around.

And most of the time
it works.

I wanna do a TV show like that
for elderly people

where you take 'em to a ER...

and scare 'em a little bit.

I would love to do that,
you know?

Take my parents.
Like, "This is not McDonald's."

-I'm like, "I know it's not.

This is a ER."

Just to see the look
on my father's face.

Like, "Why is that guy
missing his ears?"

"'Cause he wouldn't
eat vegetables, Dad.

That's why."

"Why is that guy
missing his legs?"

"'Cause he only
ate chicharrónes.

Your choice, Dad."

My dad sometimes
likes to compare me

to other people which is...
fine.

He uses it as a mechanism
for tough love, you know?

He wants--
He wants to inspire me.

Do better, you know?
Push me to do great things.

Like, to this day he compares
me to this friend of mine.

His name Jesse
and I grew up with him.

His father was a mechanic
and, uh, my dad a gardener

and we grew up working
with our fathers

and that's how we bonded.
We became good friends.

The thing about Jesse
is that he's now a gynecologist.

You know, and he put himself
through medical school

working as a mechanic.

And I still think
he has mechanic tendencies.

-You just can't get rid of that.

And my dad's like, "How come
you can't be like him?"

It's like, "We don't know
if he's a good gynecologist

or not.

I gotta go to his office
to see how it goes down."

Like, "Hi, Mrs. Smith.
How are you?

What brings you in?
Check up?

Okay, let's take a look
under the hood.

-Have a seat here.

Excuse me,
can you lift your legs up?

All right, here we go.

All right, let's take a look
under the hood.

See, . All right,
let's take a look here.

What year is this?
'86? No way.

They don't make 'em
like this anymore.

I'll tell you that.

You American?
Nice, with Mexican parts.

-I like it, man.

Got some water damage in here.
We can fix it.

When was the last time
you changed the filter, huh?

Thanks for coming in.
They'll take care of you

right over here.
Thanks for coming."

I will say this,
if I can tell you one thing

to take away tonight
it's to don't do anything

to impress other people.
Do it to impress yourself.

I learned that the hard way,
man.

I ran the L.A. Marathon
trying to impress my dad.

-Uh...

That's a long way to go
for respect, man.

Holy moly.

But I wanted to impress my dad.
I-I've never done

anything like that
and it's like, look,

there's some things I can't
explain to immigrant parents.

My dad is from Mexico
and there's certain things

I can't explain to him.
Like, one time I bought

a pair of ripped jeans.
I thought I looked great.

I put 'em on,
about to leave.

I'm like, "All right."

And my dad
stopped me at the door.

"Hey, Jesus! Jesus!
Don't go nowhere, man.

Your pants are ripped."

-He scared me.

I'm like, "What?
No, I-I bought 'em this way."

He's like, "That's okay.
Keep the receipt.

That happened to me one time."

I'm like, "No, Dad, I bought 'em
bought 'em this way."

"What?"

He's like, "So, you bought pants
to make it seem

like you have a harder job
than you do?"

He's all, "No one's gonna
believe you ripped the pants

-telling jokes."

"Good point."

He's all, "That's the problem
with your generation.

Millennials, you do things
to impress other people."

He's all, "Would you buy
a brand new car

that's already dented?"

I'm like, "If it's cool,
hell yeah I would."

He told me.
He's like, "Hey, have a seat.

I wanna talk to you."
I'm all, "All right."

He goes to his closet,
opens it up,

he showed me stacks
of ripped jeans

he doesn't wear anymore
because they're ripped.

He's all, "Look at this.
You don't see me wearing them."

And I was like,
"What size are they?"

He's like,
"Shut the hell up, man."

My mom felt bad--
My mom felt bad

that my dad was giving me
a hard time

about the jeans
so, again, I go on the road,

I come back like a week later.

You know what
my adorable mom did?

She got all my ripped jeans
and just sewed them up.

What do you say to that?
"Thank you."

Certain things
you can't explain, man.

Abstract art.

To my parent's generation,
art looked like art,

They don't have an appreciation
for other things.

They're like, "What is this?"
You know?

So I have a friend,
Talented, talented artist,

his name's Taylor
and I went to one of his shows.

And he sold out on all
his abstract art

and it was beautiful, man.
I was so happy.

I was, like, cheering for him.
Like, "Man, this is awesome."

But he had one piece left.

He's like,
"No, I didn't sell one.

I'm left with one piece."
I said, "Oh, that's awesome."

He's all,
"I'm gonna give it to you."

I said, "No, you don't--
you don't have to.

I couldn't afford it."

He's like,
"No, I'm giving it to you.

Thank you for coming out."
I'm like, "Ah, shit.

Thank you, man."

So, I was so happy.
This is my first ever art piece.

You know, I grab it,
I go home,

and I put it up on my wall.

And I'm so proud, man.
This is my first art piece.

And all it is,
it's a big, white square

red triangle,

uh, yellow rectangle,

red circle,
squiggly line.

Abstract art,
you know what I mean?

And I'm proud.
I'm just soaking it in.

I'm like, "Wow,
this is beautiful, man."

And then I hear my dad's
slippers walk into the room.

-Just...

And I don't even wanna
turn around

'cause I can feel the heat
from my dad's eyes on my neck.

-Just burning a hole.

-Just...shh...

I don't know what it is.

My dad's always
chewing something.

Just...,
you know?

And I can hear it behind me.
Just, shhhh and then .

But I don't wanna turn around.
Just letting him wait.

Finally,
he can't take it no more.

He's like,
"Wha--What the hell is this?"

Like, "Dad! I didn't
even know you were there."

You know?
He's all, "What is this?"

I'm like, "Oh, this is, uh--
this is abstract art."

He's like,
"Who gave you that?"

I'm like, "Oh, oh, oh,
my friend gave it to me."

He's all,
"How old's your friend? Five?"

"Ha ha! Yeah, I can see
why you think that,

but, uh, no he's like
30-something years old."

"Oh, okay. So he did this
when he was younger

-or something?"

"No."

He's like,
"Is he gonna finish it?"

I'm like, "It's done, Dad.
It's done.

-This is it."

So there's certain things
I can't explain to my father.

So, I don't know why I tried,
but in my heart I'm like,

"You know what?
I'm gonna run a marathon

and I'm gonna make
my father proud."

'Cause we don't have any
trophies or medals in our name.

-In our last name.

So I'm like,
"He's gonna be really proud.

This is gonna be our first one.

He's gonna get rid of all of 'em
and this is gonna be it."

So I train for a year.
Uh, for a year straight

every day rain or shine.
In the morning I would wake up

and run three miles a day
and I did that

for a whole year to train.
I felt good.

Uh, I now know that
that was incorrect, you know?

'Cause at some point you gotta
run more than three miles.

And, um, but I ran
it with a friend of mine

and my friend was very gracious
and saying that he was

meet me at the race.

Uh, at the start line
the day of, you know?

So, I get there
and I'm stretching.

I'm, like, in a good mood,
and he shows up.

He's like,
"Hey, man, good to see you."

I'm like, "Man, good to see you,
too. Are you ready?"

He's like, "Yeah, I'm ready."
He's all, "Did you train?"

I'm like, "I did.
Three miles a day."

-He's like, "What the fuck?"

He's all, "You're kidding!"
I said, "No!

That's pretty good, right?"
He's like, "No, that's bad."

He's all, "You're gotta run
more than three miles a day."

He's like, "Ah,
but it's too late now."

-I'm like, "I guess."

I'm like, "Do you have
any tips for me?"

He's like, "Uh...

-go home, maybe? I don't--"

Like, "No, I'm gonna stay."
He's all, "All right.

No, I'm kidding.
I'm--I'm glad you're here.

He's all, "The biggest tip
I can give you..."

He's like, "Look, you're gonna
be running for so long

that if you don't eat stuff,
you can faint

and, like, die."
He's like, "People, like,

poop themselves
and all kinds of stuff.

And they throw up."
He's all, "You gotta eat."

I'm like, "Oh, no,
I'll eat for sure."

And I did.
I ate everything they gave me.

I ate cookies,
donuts, sandwiches.

Brownies.
I ate everything, man.

I'm the first marathon runner
ever to weigh more at the end...

than the beginning
of the marathon.

"Mr. Trejo, would you run
the marathon again?"

"Absolutely.
It was delicious."

But I ran it, man.
It was--It was so cool.

Uh, L.A. Marathon,
it's, uh, Dodger Stadium

all the way to
Santa Monica Pier.

- Wow.
-Yeah, 26.2 miles.

Like, that's far in a car,
you know what I mean?

It took me five hours,
44 minutes,

-39 seconds, you know?

I still got the quicker
had I driven through

-L.A. traffic, you know?

But I did it, man.
Biggest accomplishment, man.

And, uh, I remember running
and--and just enjoying it.

'Cause I had never
run a marathon.

I was having a great time.
I'm running, and, uh,

I didn't know what "goo" was.
Maybe you guys know

-what "goo" is.
- Yeah.

Uh, yeah, like little packets
of caffeine.

100 mg, you know?

And I was killin' 'em
'cause I didn't know it was,

-like, caffeine.

It was just delicious.
So I'm killing 'em.

Killin' 'em.

And I-I felt, like,
a energy boost.

And, uh, my homie was like,
"Hey, you know those have

caffeine?"
I'm like, "No, way."

You know, I'm probably
running faster.

In my head I'm, like,
jetting, you know?

The reality was
I was just like, "Oh."

-Like, "Oh, no.

Oh, this is not good, man."

I looked like a crackhead
from Long Beach,

you know what I mean?
"Give me your shoes.

Give me your shoes.

-Stop curling your toes, bro."

But I ran it, man.

And I kept eating 'em,
eating 'em.

And then at one point
I was just so excited, man.

I was just so excited that,
uh, people give you stuff,

like, along the way.
They give you, like, little cups

of Gatorades
at the water station,

uh, they give you, like,
water, and then at one point

I see this woman.
She has a Popsicle stick out

with a big chunk of goo.
Big ole thing like this

and she's holding it up
and I'm like, "Oh,

-I haven't had the vanilla one.

This is gonna be good."
So I'm, like, going over there,

-you know?

More like...
just going over there.

And, um, so I get closer.
It's like you know when you,

like, about to eat something
and in your head you're like,

"Oh, this is a flavor
that I'm about to get into"?

So, I'm like, "Oh, this is
gonna be so good." You know?

I grab it and I eat it.
It was all Vaseline,

-so...

One of the most disgusting
things I've ever eaten

-in my life.

It's so hard to get Vaseline
out of your mouth, man.

Water doesn't help.
It just glides off.

"Aah...aah..."

And then about 30 minutes later
I'm running, I'm running,

I'm having a good time,
and then I just hear my stomach

-go, .

I'm like, "Oh, no,
the Goo Gods are talking."

-So I had to go to the restroom

and I went to the restroom.
I took the most immaculate

number two
I've ever taken in my life.

Easy, no pressure.
Just...

- Done.

Not a trace.
Just like, "Really? Nothing?

That was pretty cool."
Like a little phantom deuce,

-you know?

So I got back out there, man,
and I'm just running, man.

I'm doing my thing.
And it feels good, you know?

So about mile 11
I broke off from my friend.

I'm like,
"Hey, man, I'm gonna go ahead."

He's like, "Hey, man, do you.
Do you"

I'm like, "All right."
So, you know, I started

getting ahead
and then around mile 16

my body starts to break down.
I feel it.

My knees sound like,
just, uh, empty water bottles

being crushed.
It's just...

"This is not good, you know?"
But I'm going.

Um, I started getting pain
in my lower back.

You know, it feels
like somebody's tasering me.

I got a headache
from all the caffeine goo

I've been eating,
but I'm going.

So it's now mile 26, right?
Mile 26.

I'm .2 miles away
from the finish line

and I can see it!
I'm right there.

I'm about to be done,
but I take what I think

is gonna be my last step
ever in life.

-I take the last step.

I'm like,
"Ugh, I can't go anymore."

I'm like, "I-I have to take
another step."

So I take another step.
I'm like, "

That hurts so much."
And if you've ever run

a marathon, you know
how supportive people can be.

They're very supportive
and that's what's beautiful

about a marathon, you know?
People supporting people

to accomplish
a life-long dream or a goal.

And I'm there and I'm just like,
"I don't know what to do."

And this elderly woman
runs past me and she's like,

"Baby, you can do it."
I'm like, "Ah!

-That hurt so much!

You're not helping!"

That hurt a lot.

And I thought about quitting
at that moment.

I said, "You know what?
I'm done.

I don't wanna do this no more.
I'm done."

But I remind myself
why I'm there.

I'm like, "You know, don't you
wanna make your dad proud?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I do."
So I stay, you know?

And I take another step
and I'm like,

"I think I can do this."

So I started taking
my little steps and I'm just

going for it, you know?

My shoulder blades hurt
so much at this point.

They're all cramped up
that I can't, like,

keep my arms straight to run.
They're like coiled up.

And I'm like,
"That's not stopping me."

I'm just going for it.
I'm going.

And then as I'm going,
people start clapping for me.

They're like, "You can do it!"
I'm like, "All right,

-thank you, man.

Appreciate y'all.
All right. "

And I keep going.
I'm getting, like, more energy.

I'm like,
"Yeah! Hell yeah, man!"

And then I look back
and everyone's cheering.

They're like, "Keep going!"
I'm like, "All right!

-All right! Sorry, man.

I didn't know you can't stop,
you know?"

I looked to my left,
this woman is crying, man.

I look to my left
and she's crying.

She's like, "Keep going, baby!"
I'm like, "I am. Are you okay?"

She's like, "Yeah, keep going!
This is beautiful!"

I'm like, "What is?

What's beautiful?

The sky?
I know that one."

So I just keep going, man.

And I'm getting closer.
I'm like, "Oh, hell yeah!"

-You know?

And then I look to my right
and I see this woman.

She's crying, too, but I can't
hear 'cause it's so loud.

People are cheering,
but I can read her lips.

I look at her.
I'm like, "What is she saying?"

She's like,
"You are an inspiration to me."

-I go, "Oh, no...

Oh, man.
This is not good."

They think
this is something else.

I am now embarrassed
off my ass.

I want this whole thing
to be over, you know?

I'm not having a good time.

So I just keep going.

And then I realized something.

I realized something, man,

and, I think, um,
we all have a moment

as an adult
that--that--that changed you.

This was this moment for me
as an adult.

This changed me
'cause I realized that they

were not cheering for me.

They were cheering
for a gentleman in front of me.

And, um...I get goosebumps
to this day telling this story

because, uh, I didn't know
what condition he had,

but he had a condition.
I'm no doctor.

I don't know what that was,
but it was very beautiful

'cause I don't care who you are,
you cannot wake up one day

and say,
"I'm running a marathon."

You have to train at least
incorrectly, like I did

-you know?

And I'm looking at him
and he's, like, going for it.

Like, no one's cheering for him.
Well, they were, you know?

But it was so cool 'cause he
wasn't trying to impress nobody.

He was trying
to impress himself.

And here I was trying to impress
my dad, you know?

And this is how I know
I'm not a good person.

'Cause my second thought was,
"How the hell

-is he in front of me?"

So I had one more packet of goo.
I took the hit.

I said, "Let's do it, bro."

And I'm going.
I can't catch up, man.

I'm trying so hard to catch up.
I cannot.

I get close,
but I don't catch up.

And I'm going and I'm going.
And I-I--

you know, he looks at me,
I look at him.

And I say, "Hey, can I
just talk to you for a minute?"

He's all, "What's up?"
I'm like,

"Hey, you're impressive, man,
I've been behind you

for a while now apparently
and, um...

-You're really good, man."

He's like,
"Yeah, did you train?"

I said, "I did. Three miles."
And he laughed.

I'm like, "Oh, screw you, man.
All right...

you can lead, bro."

And then I realized
something as well.

That when you run a marathon
and you cross the finish line,

they take a picture.

I'm like, "Man, I can't have
this dude anywhere near me."

Not that I care.
I don't care.

I think it's really impressive,
but I just won't be able

to explain this to my father.

So I go and I'm going
and I'm going.

I cross the finish line.

Race is done.

Twenty six-point-two miles.
Five hours, forty four minutes,

thirty nine seconds.
Freaking done.

Biggest accomplishment
of my life, man.

-Oh, thank you.

So great.
So, I sit down and I'm like--

I'm tired of course.
I'm in a lot of pain,

but I start getting really cold
and I don't know why.

I start shaking, you know?

And then, uh--
I know this now,

that if you've been moving
for so long

and then you stop,
you can catch hypothermia.

So, I was like potentially
catching hypothermia.

I'm so cold.
So, a lady runs over

with, like, an aluminum blanket.
She has a yellow shirt.

It says "Staff."
And, uh, she wraps me up

in this thing
and I think it's a bad prank,

-you know?

Wrap the Mexican guy
in aluminum foil?

-Good.

I'm just there shaking
like, "Oh, no. All right."

And, um, she leaves,
but then the woman comes over

and, uh, she--she's from
the marathon.

"Staff" shirt
and she's like, "Hey, baby.

Congratulations."
She's like, "You finished

the L.A. Marathon.
The 33rd annual L.A. Marathon."

I said, "Awesome.
Thank you."

She's like, "Look,
I have something for you."

She puts the medal on.
I feel the weight of it.

I'm a mess.
I'm crying, you know?

She's like, "Congratulations."
She's like, "You finished in

under six hours
so that means everyone

from first place
all the way to--

I don't know
what place you got."

I'm like, "Ah, don't say it like
that, you know what I'm saying?"

She's all,
"But you get the medal.

I said, "Thank you so much."
She's like, "Congratulations.

We'll see you next year."

I'm like,
"No, you will never see me.

I don't like it here."

And then she's like, "Oh,
before I forget.

This is yours."
And so she goes over

and hands me this, like,
cardboard folder thing, right?

And then she leaves.
I'm like, "Oh, thank you."

And I unwrap my aluminum foil
costume, you know?

And I open it and it's a picture
of the marathon.

Me crossing the finish line.
I'm like, "Wow.

I can--Fuck!
He's right there!

Damn it!
Now what, man?!"

I'm tired! I'm tired.
I wanna go home, you know?

And, uh, so I gotta take
a Uber from Santa Monica

all the way to Long Beach
and, um...

so I take the Uber, but the
whole way that I'm headed home

I'm, like, praying that
my father isn't home.

'Cause--Look, tough love.
It's fine, but, like--

like, I just imagine, like,
my dad is like that kinda guy.

If he was to walk in on me
about to commit suicide

with a gun in my mouth,
first thing he would say,

"Hey, put some plastic up
or some shit, man.

You're gonna make
a big fucking mess here!

Look, I don't wanna lose my son
and the deposit.

That's not good."

So that's what
I gotta go home to.

So I get home and I just wanna
beeline to my room and lay down.

So I open the door.
My dad's watching the game.

-I'm just like, going over.

He goes, "Jesus!"
I'm like, "Ah, shit."

I'm like, "Hey. What's up?"

He's all,
"Why you look like that?"

"What are you talking about?"

He's like,
"You look like that."

He's all, "Don't tell me.
Don't tell me."

He's all, "You finally
got a real man job?

A real man job, um,
you know, where your pants

can rip working and stuff?"

Like, "No, I still tell jokes,
but I ran the marathon, Dad."

-He's all, "Oh, that's cute."

I'm like, "What do you mean?
'That's cute'?"

He's like,
"Yeah, that's nothing, man."

He's all,
"How many miles is that?"

I'm like, "26.2."
He's all, "That's cute."

I'm like, "What are you
talking about, Dad?"

He's like,
"Look, man, have a seat.

I wanna talk to you, man."

He's all, "When I ran
100 miles over the border..."

He's all, "Nobody gave me
Gatorade I want you to know."

How can
I compete with that line?

"When I ran 100 miles--"
I'm like, " I'm done.

-Here."

He's all,
"Nobody gave me nothing.

I just have a trophy
I gave to myself

when I 'lacrosse' the border.

He's like, "I gave that
to myself because I did that."

He's all, "That's the problem
with your generation.

Again..." He's like, "That's
a problem with you Millennials.

Man, you do stuff
to impress people.

You want people to like you

and you upload the pictures
on Instaface."

I'm like, "I don't have
that one yet,

but I'll be sure to sign up,"
you know?

He's all, "You want people
to like you, man."

He's like, "You know why I ran
100 miles over the border?

'Cause I have responsibilities."

He's all,
"You know what that is?"

I'm like, "I think so.
I don't know..."

He's all,
"I had responsibilities, man.

I had a wife, I had kids.

I had a side chick and a kid."

I'm like,
"Get the hell outta here.

-You had a side chick

and a kid?"
He's all, "Bro, that's you.

You know that, right?"
I'm like, "Oh..."

All right.

Is that why you always
had two jobs?"

"Two families,
that's right."

Like, "Oh, man."
He's all, "So now you tell me

why you ran the marathon."

I'm like, "Oh, man,
I did it to impress you

and, uh, to get,
uh, free Vaseline.

-I don't know.

A medal
with our last name on it."

He's all, "Oh, I see that.
That's pretty cool, man."

And this is the part
where I almost got disowned.

He looks at me and he goes,
"Did you pay to run?"

-I'm like, "

Yeah."

He's all,
"How much did you pay?"

I'm like, "$150 dollars."
He's all, "$150 dollars!

You're stupid, right?"

He's all, "You couldn't run
on the sidewalk for free

following everybody?"

-I'm like, "Oh, man.

I didn't even think about that."

And I'm just there feeling bad
for myself, you know?

Bad, but proud, you know?

It's like, "I did it."
You know?

And then my dad goes,
"What's that in your hand?"

-I'm like, "Oh, nothing."

He's all, "What is it?"
I'm like, "Oh, nothing."

"Tell me."
I'm like, "It's a picture."

He's all,
"I would love to see that."

"I don't wanna show you, Dad."

"I really wanna see it now."

Now, I don't have the energy
to run from my father

or rip the picture.

He just goes over there
just takes it from me.

Just...shht!
"Give me that."

And he takes the picture,
goes to the dinner table,

sets it down,
opens it up.

He puts on his little
Walgreens glasses

that come in the...

He puts on those glasses
that come in the tube, you know?

Sit right here like Santa Claus,
you know?

Like, to this day I feel like
my dad doesn't,

like, need glasses.
He always looks over 'em

like this, you know?

"You don't know what
prescription you are."

"No, I don't know."

He probably had 20/20
this whole time.

Puts the picture down.
He opens it

and he just looks
at the picture, you know?

"Who the fuck is this guy?"

So now I gotta go over there
and look, you know?

It's like,
and I look.

I'm like, "Dad, that's me."
He's like, "I know that's you.

Look at the guy next to you.
He's making fun of you.

What the hell's going on here?"

I'm like, "Oh, man."

He's all, "Don't embarrass me
like that no more."

My last name's on your bib,
man.

He's all,
"Don't do athletic things.

Can you just be
a stay-at-home son?

Can you do that?"
I'm like, "Yeah.

Hell yeah, I can do that."

My name's Jesus Trejo.
That's my time.

Thank you, guys, so much!