Original subtitles

Oh, shit.

Gwen?

You don't know it's Gwen.

You put your do not disturb on bypass. It's obviously Gwen. Pick it up.

No, no, no. I'm-I'm-I'm serious. I'm gonna unplug this weekend.

-Focused on you. -Shut up.

Connect with your beautiful boyfriend. Look at me in this shirt.

Your tits look amazing.

Thank you. I planned this trip so that we could focus on me and you.

And, you know, enjoy the gorgeous Blanco Lakeside Village.

Oh, the Blanco Lakeside Village. I mean, even the name.

It's-It's blowing me away, frankly. But you promise, just us. No work?

No work, no school and no fighting.

No bickering, okay? I promise.

We'll just vibe. Living, loving.

Maybe even laughing if you're lucky.

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na now ♪

♪ Baby, give it up ♪

♪ Give it up Baby, give it up ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na now ♪

♪ Baby, give it up ♪

Listen up, nobody wants to be here today, okay?

You think I wanna be here on a Saturday spending time administering

a standardized test to you? Hell no!

Full disclosure,

I'm supposed to be at my buddy's post-divorce pub crawl right now, okay?

That's where I'm supposed to be.

But no, I'm here with you all lovely students

administering this test because standardized testing is important.

Let's move this along, Bert and Ernie. Come on.

So, you know the rules.

No talking, no cheating, and def...

-What? -Where's Chelsea at?

Um. Chelsea has a special accommodation that allows her to take the test alone.

-Why? -Rick?

Right. Um, she has a learning disorder.

Dude, I whispered

-'cause you're not supposed to say that. -What?

Being bat shit isn't a disability.

Don't say "bat shit."

Chelsea's not even crazy though.

She's got ADHD and mild dyslexia.

-Who doesn't? -Jeff, that's so mean.

Nobody's more sympathetic to Chelsea's pain than me.

I used to help her sell her meds last year.

Jeff, we talked about this.

No, Chelsea is special because she's on Concerta.

No, you're not listening. She's not on Concerta.

She sells it to people. That's the problem.

Oh, wow. She brought her own rug?

Her test exceptions allow her to bring up to six personal items

to make her feel more comfortable, and she has chosen as one of them a rug.

Do you need help setting up, Chels?

I'll let you know when I need assistance, Miss.

Oh, my God. Yeah, whatever you need.

Are rugs technically a personal item? It feels kind of like furniture.

Not the hill I'm gonna die on.

Isn't it so nice that we live in a world where kids like this are given

the space and time they need to thrive?

Mm-hmm.

You know she's gonna ace this test. She's basically a genius.

She definitely has... ...issues for sure.

But can you imagine how her genius would be untapped

back in the early 20th century 'cause people didn't understand it?

Mm-hmm.

You almost ready, Chelsea?

You're not allowed to ask me that.

Oh, G... Okay. Of course, of course.

I mean, they've taken every tool we have to implement discipline.

See, she's advocating for herself.

-She's advocating. -Yeah, she is. Yeah, she is.

Excuse me.

I'm still a bit chilly.

Do you think we could crank the heat all the way up

so I can perform at my peak potential?

Absolutely. Whatever you need, girl.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Oh, God al...

This is nice, right?

Hi. What?

They're looking at... They're looking at us.

-That's what people do. They're waving. -Two guys on a boat.

-It's all good. -Just relax.

I think I just need to, like, give in to this because, like, I'm...

I feel myself actively getting less cool in every moment.

Oh, Malcolm. You don't have to be cool.

Hot take. Incorrect but hot.

I guess I didn't think it would be so touristy.

You know what? It's giving Groupon.

It's giving Groupon in a major way.

Do you wanna just go back in?

Is that okay?

Yeah.

-Let's just binge TV in the room. -Yeah.

You have exactly three hours. Starting in three, two, one.

What are you doing?

I'm taking a test. Leave me alone.

What the hell you mean you're taking the test?

You're not allowed to take the test.

Who cares? Go.

I care. What do you mean...

You're supposed to be monitoring these kids with me, man.

-This is important to me, please. -Can we talk in the hall?

-Dude, get out of my life for a second. -Come talk to me in the hall.

Rick, hall. Now.

Stop.

-What are you doing? -Whoa.

You're breaking my arm. Okay, okay.

-We're trying to take a test. -Ah! He tickled me.

-What is this? -Take your tests.

Let's keep testing.

Let me go.

We can't be having this.

Just test... Just keep testing.

Just tell me what the hell is going on.

Look, I'm taking the test because I just like learning.

That's bullshit. You hate reading, dude.

What is it?

I made a bet, okay? There's this junior, Connor.

I bet him that I'd get a better test score. Happy?

You made a bet with a student for money?

Yeah, dude. That's how bets work.

What do you think we bet? A fucking crab cake?

I know how bets work, man.

Who cares? I made a little bet. I love gambling.

I literally thank God every day that it's not addictive.

Fine. You wanna take the test? Go take the test.

-Thank you. Yes. -Okay? But no disruptions.

-Okay, deal. -None.

But here's the deal.

You owe me extra time at the end of the test due to this interruption.

No.

I need an EpiPen.

-What? -What?

I need an EpiPen.

Oh, my God. Are you... Are you okay?

You're not allowed to ask me that.

Yes, and I apologize. I usually have one on me, but I don't.

I will text somebody to bring it to you. I'm so sorry.

Thank you. And I'll take a sparkling water too while you're at it.

Yes, coming up right away.

EpiPen and Lacroix?

-This is bullshit. -What?

I'm admitting that this is bullshit.

Between you and me, she doesn't want an EpiPen.

She doesn't want water. She doesn't want a rug.

She doesn't want any of it. She doesn't want it.

What... What does she want?

The most addictive thing in the universe.

-5-Hour Energy? -What? Power!

Guys, let's keep an eye on the talking.

Power, Gwen. And we're giving it to her.

-I see your point... -Yeah.

...but Chelsea has real problems.

Oh, please. No one is saying that she doesn't have any problems,

but we used to deal with problems differently.

Kids used to have grit.

My parents raised me to deal with reality.

Oh, if this was 1985, we'd have so much more to work with.

EpiPen! My allergy is getting worse.

-And what's the allergy? -You're not allowed to ask me that.

-You're not allowed to ask her that. -What?

No, that's actually true. It's a HIPAA violation.

I relate so much to every character on And Just Like That.

What?

I relate so much to every character on And Just Like That.

What?

Oh, you relate so much to every character

-on And Just Like That. -And Just Like That. Yeah.

That's just a crazy sentence to understand.

I just feel like one day we're gonna, like,

be in our 50s and be like, fuck.

-Like, where did the time go, you know? -Uh-huh.

Charlotte's up to her own stuff still.

Don't even get me started on Carrie. That mess.

We're just watching TV in the room, huh?

Yo, her man a. What's up?

Yo, papi. How's the hotel?

How's your big getaway, wherever you are?

I'm forgetting.

It's good. It's-It's cute. How's everything there?

I still feel like I'm letting you guys down.

No, everything's fine. We have everything under control.

How's Chelsea? Is she behaving?

Yeah, it's manageable. More or less. Yeah.

Yeah. No, no, it's great. We're Chelsea's employees.

I can hear you up there.

How crazy is she being? Is she, like, faking an allergy yet?

No, I know what you're doing. You're trying to work while you're on vacation.

-No, don't hang up. -Go enjoy. Enjoy your days off.

Wait, so why is Rick taking the test?

He made a bet with some kid.

He made a bet... He should not be doing that.

He literally has a gambling addiction.

Evan, chill out, man. Seriously, enjoy your vacation.

Go get in one of them big bathtubs, right?

Those big brass bathtubs. They got those, right?

The ones like in Red Dead Redemption.

-Wait, I have another question. -No. You don't have any more questions.

Okay, but just text me if anything else hap...

See you Monday. God.

Okay.

This is ridiculous.

No, I think this is great. It's a reasonable request.

She wants to get her blood flowing.

Oh. You're so nice, you know? Too nice.

She's taking advantage of us. She's taking advantage of you.

I don't know. I think different people learn in different ways,

like my boyfriend, Nick.

He recently had this idea to build a rent able pickleball court

on top of this pool that he built in our backyard.

-Yes. The pool that he... -In the backyard.

But now he's building on top of it.

-That's very interesting. Yeah. -Exactly, exactly.

So I'm just saying, like, he's not a thinker.

He doesn't take the time to think about the pros and cons.

He really has to get in there

and actually build it with his hands

-before he figures out if it's... -If it's a good idea or not.

Yes.

I don't like to get, you know, mixed up into personal relationships,

but I am willing to offer you my perspective if and only if you ask for it.

Yeah, I want that. I want that.

You're not tough enough with Nick.

I mean, this is, what, his second, like, idiotic experiment?

And what a waste of what I assume is your money.

Well, he had $11,000 from his job when he started the pool.

Okay, now how far did that get him?

The third of the way through the pool project.

That's exactly right, because these are flights of fancy, Gwendolyn.

Yeah.

That's what happens when we coddle people.

You need to sit him down gently and say,

"Time to stop playing around.

Get a job. Work in a bank. Try Amway."

Can you guys keep it down, please?

Are you ready yet, Chelsea? Ready to go?

-Stop talking. -Sorry.

"PX equals negative 25X squared plus 500X minus 1,200."

This is like the fucking funny pages.

Psst! Psst!

Teacher. Psst.

-What? -Help me out.

-Help you out with what? -The fucking test.

Are you kidding me? I'm letting you take the test. How about that?

Dude, this shit's hard as hell.

When I was a kid, it was like, "Three times seven.

What sound does a dog make?" That type of shit.

"What sound does a dog make?" That was on the test you took?

Dude, just go up to Erica. She's smart as hell.

-We can hear you. -Turn around. Take your test.

-Be quiet. -You're cheating off me.

Deirdre, ignore him.

-Hey. You just tried to kiss me. -Rick.

-No, I didn't. -He's trying to kiss me, y'all.

Oh, God. Oh...

Evan, could I borrow your bowl to show to the other students?

-Yeah, if you think it's good. -I do.

-You are a phenomenal student. -Thank you.

That's so nice.

Okay.

It's all actu... No, no, I'm understanding a lot right now.

-What? -Why you're a teacher in general.

You're, like, a quintessential teacher's pet.

-I'm not a teacher's pet. -Yes, you are.

Stop being jealous. Yes, I like teachers. I like learning.

That's why I became a teacher.

I'm sorry that your job isn't your calling.

You don't have to be jealous that mine is.

Whoa. Okay. You don't have to come for my career.

That's, like, not where we were at all.

It's not even a career. You said that yourself.

You didn't have a lifelong passion for brand strategies in tech.

Yeah, well, I had a lifelong strategy to actually make money.

Which does benefit you when we go out to dinner,

and I pay for the check more than half the time.

You don't have to pay for the bill ever.

I don't ever need to go to expensive dinners.

I go to those because you want me to.

Yeah, and you always order the omakase. You don't get the rolls.

Just saying you have expensive tastes, so maybe don't complain.

Okay. I'm... I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

This is really fun. Are you having fun?

Oh, my gosh, pottery? So earthy, so fun.

It's fun. Yeah, it's fun. What's Chelsea been doing?

She's good. She started taking the test, so, um...

-She left for lunch, Evan. -Oh, my God, Grant.

She took an Uber. I gave her $40.

Oh, God.

Evan. I literally can't believe you right now. What's going on?

Malcolm, we were sitting in there bickering, okay?

I thought it would be good to give it ten minutes.

And then I thought I would call school for a second to see how they were doing.

Just say it. You left our couple's activity

to fucking call Gwen 'cause you like her better than me.

You always have to stir some shit up.

Like, finding something to fight about. You're ridiculous.

You were stirring shit up just now with the omakase.

How did we fail so hard at this trip already?

Let's just go, please?

Okay, we can head out.

Thank you.

I do need to stop at school though first.

-Are you fucking kidding me? -Oh, well, you're...

you're wearing an insane hat.

It's not insane.

Fucking stupid. How do you not know what fucking opaque means?

Oh, shit.

Dude, what the...

Dude, this fucking thing keeps coming off. This place is a dump.

You gotta chill the fuck out, buddy.

Seriously, what is the big deal here, man? Is this about the bet?

-How much was it? -Fifty bucks.

You know what? Because it's a Saturday and...

Yeah, here you go, man. You good?

Listen, dude, it's not about the money!

These kids think I'm stupid!

Just because I have a casual, chill approach to life,

and I'm not always flexing my, like... my, you know, my, uh...

-Intellect. -Right,

my intellect up in everyone's face, but maybe they're right.

Maybe I am stupid.

Maybe I'm too stupid to even know I'm stupid.

Come on, man.

I never should have made a bet with that punk-ass Connor Jeffers.

-Connor Jeffers? -Yeah.

That's who you made the bet with? The 11th grader?

Yeah.

That little shit started a rumor that I don't brush my teeth.

Which I do, by the way, just not at night.

-Nobody brushes their teeth at night. -Thank you.

He's starting shit with me. He's starting shit with you.

You know, Rick? The smart thing in life

is to know which battles to fight and which battles to walk away from.

-So let's go cheat on this fucking test. -Yes!

What?

If you have COVID, you gotta back up. I'm not vaccinated.

Don't worry about it. Worry about your test, okay?

Twenty-four.

Bro, do you have tuberculosis or what?

-What the fuck? -Yeah, what the fuck?

Yeah, it's treatable, okay? Don't worry about it.

Well, treat it. You're scaring all the hos.

You know what? Next word out of you, and you're out. Go, focus.

-I feel the mist. -Shh.

All right, that's time.

I missed the last question 'cause of your dumb coughing.

Well, people cough in real life, okay, Erica? Get used to it.

Well, that was great.

You guys wanna have some beers in my car or watch me drink beer in my car?

-Hi, guys. -Hi. Oh, my God, Evan.

Oh, Evan, that's great.

Perfect. You'll take care of this.

Oh, my God, Jessica?

Malcolm!

Wait, you go here?

Yeah, I'm here, like, all the time.

Jessica? What do you mean? How do you guys know each other?

-The club. -The scene.

Like, we go out together, obviously.

Why are you calling her Jessica? Her name is Chelsea.

It's the name on my fake ID.

She's insane. You'd be obsessed with her.

You should really... We should hang out with her.

-Never. -I love that hat.

Oh, my God, thank you. He does not understand the vision.

Well, he wouldn't get it. He's dressed like a zookeeper.

-I know. -You'd make a good zookeeper.

Gwen, stay out of this. It's between me and Jessica.

You guys just left Blanco Lakeside Village?

Oh, no, no, no, this is obviously still part of the vacation.

You know how Evan can't relax, so he has to find some drama

with the school or his mom or Pete Buttigieg.

-Oh, you're still fighting. Okay. -I came to help.

Honestly, Mr. Marquez, I am really glad that you're here

because she has been low-key gaslighting me all day.

Chelsea, if anybody's been gaslighting anybody, it's you.

You're gaslighting people. You're domming them, okay?

-You're a narcissist. -You're a narcissist.

-You're a psychopath. -You're a psychopath.

-You're bipolar. -You're bipolar.

Okay, look, I'm gonna make this easy.

Don't take the test. It's over.

-So, what, I just fail it? -No, you're not gonna fail it.

We're just gonna artificially give you a good score.

-It's easy for us to do. -You can't do that.

Yes, we can do that. We'll look up the answers.

We'll take it in ten minutes, but just go home.

Okay, Mr. Marquez, with all due respect,

I think that that is, like, illegal.

It's a test. Who cares?

Okay, yeah, but I can get an amazing score on the test by myself.

-No, it's fine. We'll just do it. -No, no, no, no, no.

Why don't you step back and start the clock, okay?

I'm still mad at you, but that was very impressive.

You got this, Jessica.

So, did you guys, like, do one cough for A, two coughs for B,

-that kind of thing? -Bingo.

-Wait, what? No. -What?

One cough for C, like C for "cough."

Two coughs for D, "double cough." This is the most obvious shit ever.

Rick. We had a system, dude. Foolproof.

-This sucks, dude. I failed the test. -It's fine.

-You didn't fail the test. -They'll literally...

The only thing I'm good at is business and girls.

Right, come on. We're up.

Hey. Sorry I was like a little baby bitch today.

No, I'm sorry.

I really do have trouble putting my work aside.

No, it's not that. It's these people, you know?

It's like they're your friends, and they used to be my friends,

and then I got fired and so they're not my friends,

but they're still your friends. So it's just like...

Fuck! I hate my life!

I don't know.

Malcolm, these people love you. They're still your friends.

Mmm. I think I'm just jealous that they get to spend time with you all day.

-With me? -Yeah.

I'm jealous that you have a whole new group of gay work friends

at your tech job.

Yeah, they're...

they're nice, but they're... they're kinda like...

They're "Born This Way" gays.

What does that mean, "Born This Way" gays?

You know, it's like, "I'm with her" gays.

Like, "In this house, we believe in science" gays,

you know what I mean?

-You don't believe in science? -I do.

We should hang out with them sometime.

-Okay. We can do that. -Text them.

-They were actually texting me. -See what they're doing.

They're... And they are playing gay dodge ball.

What happened to everyone?

Gwen, I must say, I was wrong about this pickleball thing.

I think it was good to let Nick run this experiment.

What, did you think it was like a... like a giant waste of money or something?

-Oh, that was... Yeah. -It exceeded my expectations, is all.

-He was saying it was good. -Yeah.

And you know what else? I was really impressed

that Evan was able to help Chelsea find her grit.

-All right, 2-5. -No.

-2-6? -Nope.

-Then, what is it? -10-8.

It's not, but whatever.

Oh, fuck!

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na now ♪

♪ Baby, give it up ♪

♪ Give it up Baby, give it up ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na now ♪

♪ Baby, give it up ♪

♪ Give it up Baby, give it up ♪

♪ Everybody sees you ♪

♪ Everybody looks and stares ♪

♪ I'd just like to make you Mine all mine ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na now ♪

♪ Baby, give it up ♪

♪ Give it up Baby, give it up ♪

♪ Na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na-na-na now ♪