Original subtitles

[? "Friday I'm In Love" playing]

? I don't care If Monday's blue ?

? Tuesday's gray And Wednesday too ?

? Thursday I don't care about you ?

? It's Friday, I'm in love ?

? Monday, you can fall apart ?

? Tuesday, Wednesday Break my heart... ?

I never thought this day would actually come where I graduated

'cause high school's my whole life...

[Erica] I know, I didn't think you were gonna graduate either.

Okay. Guys, let's settle down.

Don't forget to bring in your yearbook receipts if you ordered a yearbook-

Wait. Mr. Marquez, you're not gonna make a speech or anything,

since we're graduating, and it's the end of the school year?

Yes, I'm gonna make a speech, and my speech is this.

Don't forget to bring in your yearbook receipts if you ordered a yearbook or-

Can you not see that we're emotional wrecks right now?

I'm feeling so nostalgic for high school.

Becca, I don't think you can be nostalgic for something that's happening right now.

Maybe you can, and maybe that's why it's so beautiful.

-[student 1] Deep. -[student 2] Wow.

-Snaps. -[Evan] Wow. That is beautiful, Jeff.

And that is a beautiful speech.

There's the speech. It's just graduation.

You don't have to get so emotional.

[Grant on PA] Attention. Attention. The results are in and the winner is...

Drumroll please...

What is this for?

Ugh. I didn't say... This is for the senior class voting

for commencement orator.

It's for "commitment orienter."

-Thanks, Jeff. -[drumroll continues]

And the winner is...

Clay Connolly.

-[all cheering] -Dude!

-Oh, wow. -Oh, my God. That guy?

Congrats, Clay. Wow.

Thanks, thanks, uh, for-for...

I'm sure it will go great, wonderfully. Uh...

-Hell yeah, Clay. That's our boy, man. -[all cheering]

Dawg, it worked. Let's go. My gosh.

These kids are clearly bullying Clay.

That kid is the last person who should be speaking at a graduation.

I mean, what is he gonna say?

What memories does he have with the student body?

It's like a few years ago when they voted

Scott Reese and Delilah Birch as prom king and queen,

even though they were the biggest fucking dorks in the whole grade.

Yeah, but those two ended up getting married

and then those bullies are, I think, addicted to meth.

Marriage is not a prize. [chuckles]

I fucking love when nerds find love.

It's like when a raccoon and a skunk become friends.

I love raccoons.

Evan, you may not like that they voted for Clay,

but you have to trust the democratic process, dude.

-This is America. -No, no, no,

these kids are doing this to be cruel.

-I mean, Clay is great. -[Gwen] So great.

He's not like a public speaker.

He's good at computer, I think.

-I think he's amazing at computer. -Gonna be very embarrassing.

They're all gonna be laughing at him up there.

-We should help him, or something. -We definitely should.

-What if you just told Clay the truth? -No. No. No.

Can't tell him 'cause then I'm gonna burst his bubble-

Whatever, dude, I don't know what to do. I can't help you all the time.

I'm busy. Grant gave me so much fucking responsibility

for this graduation ceremony.

-Rick, you're planning the graduation? -He's planning the whole thing.

It's like, I don't give a shit where folding chairs go.

I'm in summer mode.

I should be at the beach smoking salvia.

Oh, my God, this might be the last time we see you four sitting in the cafeteria.

Don't do the sentimental thing, you guys. Just chill.

Yeah, this is sad as hell.

I'll take a picture to remember.

-Yikes, I'm crying. -I should have brought my film camera.

-Just take the picture, Monica. Come on. -[camera shutter clicks]

-[students] Aw. -[Gwen] Let me see that.

-That's so cute. -Don't delete that.

You do not have my permission to post that.

Why? You look beautiful. Frame that. Put it in the Louvre.

What is that smell? Is it-

-His crab. -[Rick] Imitation crab.

It was only $4. I got it at the gas station.

Well, uh, thank you, guys.

-Sorry, I forgot you were here. -Thank you for everything.

-You guys were awesome teachers. -Big ups.

-[Monica] We're gonna miss you. -All right, cool. Love you, guys.

I'm just realizing how beautiful it is that you're gay.

Okay, bye. Goodbye.

Oh, my God, every year they get so weepy around graduation.

It's especially weird given that I'm literally gonna

see half of these kids in summer school.

Am I the only one teaching summer school? Are you not doing summer school?

-No, no. -Damn, I'm jealous of that.

[Rick] You know, you get the whole year off if you love your job.

You never work a day in your life.

Is that how you are?

-No, I fucking hate this. -Right.

-[camera shutter clicks] -Monica is still taking pictures of us.

-Monica, stop. -These are powerful images.

Powerful images of my back?

I got some of your corner too. You look good.

-[bell rings] -Evan, there he is.

Fresh coffee from the teachers' lounge for you, sir.

-Thank you so much. -Mm-hmm.

[sips] Mm-mmm.

Soapy? I gave it a quick rinse.

-I'm sorry. -What's going on? Why are you being nice?

Well, now that you bring it up.

You know Jennifer did extremely well on The Amazing Race,

and due to her unique personality,

she's been cast on The Traitors.

Have you seen The Traitors? I haven't seen the...

Anyway, needless to say, she can't teach summer school...

No. I can't do summer school.

Malcolm wants to, like, finally go to Berlin together this summer.

I need to live my life.

Don't be ridiculous, Evan. You don't want to live your life.

No good comes from that. Summer school, easy work, extra money.

Think about it, okay? Just think about it.

-Hey, hey... -Just think about it.

What do you think of this Clay Connolly situation

where the kids made him the commencement orator?

It's a fine honor. What about it?

I think they're doing it to make fun of him.

Clay is the captain of the basketball team.

-No one is gonna make fun of- -No.

Clay Connolly, the guy with the long hair.

It's a different student.

Oh.

Evan, we've eradicated bullying.

Bullying doesn't exist.

I think we should try to do something.

No, I don't think so.

But summer school.

-[Markie] Oh! -Markie. Hey.

Oh, hey, man. How's it hanging, Nickname?

-Wait. Nickname? -Yeah, man.

Oh, shoot! You gave me a nickname.

-Nickname. -'Cause my name is Nick.

-Nick-name. -You got it, bro.

If you're looking for Gwen, I-I'm imagining she's in class.

Actually, I-I came looking for you.

-Really? -I need your help with something.

I'm gonna propose to Gwen.

[chuckles]

Holy shit. Holy shit, man.

[chuckles] Yeah.

That is... You're doing it.

And the best part is I'm gonna do it at graduation.

-At this graduation? -Yeah.

Okay. What do you need me for?

Well, you're the one who reads off the kids' names

when they're getting their diplomas, right?

-Mm-hmm. -That's perfect, man.

And you know, I would go to Evan for help,

but it'd be a little too hard for him to keep it a secret because...

-He's gay. -...they're best friends.

-Right. Right, right, right. -Yeah.

[clears throat]

You know what, man?

-Yes. -Yes?

Fine. I will help you.

-Yes. Thank you. -It's gonna be fun, buddy.

-Thank you. -Yeah, man.

-Thank you so much, man. -I'm so happy for you.

-[bell rings] -Oh, Jeff, hey.

Evan.

You can't call me Evan until after you graduate.

Well, I'm only kind of graduating.

I didn't pass, but they're still letting me walk at graduation,

-so I'll see you next year. -Okay.

Look, Jeff, this thing with Clay being voted the commencement speaker,

is that like a joke? Are they bullying him?

-I'll tell if you let me call you Evan. -Fine.

Thank you, Evan. I think it's a version of bullying,

but like in a joking kind of way, Evan.

See, I knew it!

Jason and Tray, some of those guys organized it.

I personally abstained because I don't believe in the right to vote.

Okay, well, can you help Clay or something or go up there-

Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan, Evan,

-Evan, Evan, Evan- -Okay. Yes.

You're too late. Toothpaste is out of the tube.

Clay's gonna give that speech.

It's gonna be awful, and everybody's gonna laugh like this.

[laughs]

[Markie] Marquez, Marquez.

-Come on, Marquez. Come on. -Markie, I was in the middle of-

-[Markie] Go to class! -You go to class.

-Guess who came to see me? -Who?

-Nick. -Nick, Gwen's boyfriend?

-Yes. -Uh-huh. About what?

He asked for my help with his proposal to Gwen.

Oh, my God.

Hand to God, man.

Oh, I'm sorry, Markie.

It is what it is, you know? What am I gonna do?

Did you find a way to get out of it?

There is no way out of this, Evan. I have to help Nick.

In fact, I have to help him do the best damn proposal possible.

-What? Why? I don't- -Man law, bro code.

But you're not bros with Nick.

All men are bros, Evan.

All men are bros.

You know, sometimes I forget that my sole purpose in life

-is to teach you about real masculinity. -Okay.

-I'm gonna make a top out of you yet, bud. -I am a top.

[scoffs] Bet that's what they all say, brother.

[Rick] I don't have time for this, dude.

You gave me so much shit to do before this graduation.

Just say a bunch of the kids got bird flu or some shit.

We'll do it from Zoom.

Just calm down, Rick. This is worth your time.

[Rick] What the heck is this?

This office has sat empty for quite a while.

It's not my problem. I don't have furniture to put in here.

[stammers] What's going on? Why are you being weird?

Do you have a gun?

Congratulations, Rick. I want you to be my new vice.

-What? -I know.

That's a lot to throw on you, and you've already got so much on your plate,

but just take some time and think it over, okay?

You've earned this.

[sniffs]

Oh, my God. It smells like piss in here.

[chattering]

Clay, we're not saying you have to use this whole speech

we wrote for you, but it's a good starting place-

Not at all. But there are some parts in here that we do like.

Yeah, the flower analogy is very elegant, and I will miss it if you don't use it.

"Flower with many petals." Okay. Yeah.

Consider this a guideline, you know, a starting place.

We're just giving you, like, bumpers in a bowling alley, you know.

-Yeah. -There's no way you can miss.

And I would say as short as you want.

So short that it barely exists.

You want them going, "Wait, did he give a speech?

I'm trying to remember, and I can't."

Why don't we rehearse this one part?

Just say... Try that sentence.

That could be your whole speech.

"I see this not as an end, but as a begin."

This is just like a soft pitch, but you could maybe

say the whole word "beginning" instead of just using that first part.

Guys, I'm gonna be fine.

Smooth as a cucumber, boo-ba-do-ba-do.

-[stammers] Mm-hmm. -[sighs]

Clay, what we want you to know is that you don't have to give this speech at all,

if you don't want to. You could just bow out.

You can hand it off to somebody else.

I would never turn down such a huge honor like this.

I was voted in. I have to.

Do you actually want to do this?

I got a bunch of family flying in from Edmonton just to see me speak. I gotta-

-God, they're flying from the UK? -Where is Edmonton?

-Alberta. -Oh, my God. You're Australian?

Canada.

-I bet they're so friendly. -That's so great.

Is that good?

-Rick? -[hisses]

-Don't hiss at me? -He's stressed. Rick, are you okay?

Dude, are you like my ex-wife?

Always asking if I'm okay. Like, I'm fine.

-Like I don't always have to talk. -Rick.

Like he talks a lot. Let him talk.

-I don't talk that much. -You talk so much.

[Markie exclaims]

-Fuck! -Good job, man.

-So I was thinking that for the proposal... -Okay.

...I'm gonna shower her with roses after she says yes. What do you think?

Roses have kind of been done, man.

All due respect, seriously, think bigger.

Like her middle name is Violet. There you go, right there.

-Is it? -Violet.

I mean, I know it started with a V, but after so much time has passed,

I can't even acknowledge that I don't know her middle name.

Of course, right. Why would you?

Hey, my pickleball boys!

-Hey, hey, hey. -Hey, babe.

-Who won? -Nick, Nick won.

Nick's always winning.

Ooh! [chuckles]

-[Malcolm] Gwen. -Hey.

Did you know that Grant is, like, desperate for you to take the summer school job?

He said he'd take us all out for seafood if you do it.

Dude, seafood includes shrimp. You realize that, right?

-Yeah, you have to do it. -Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of considering it.

No, you're not. What are you talking about?

-We're traveling this summer. -Are you really?

-Yeah. -They're very vague plans to travel.

We don't know where we're going or when. It could be, like, a weekend trip.

-To Berlin? -Yeah.

What are you talking about right now?

Malcolm, I-I-I have to consider this.

It's extra money.

Okay, Dan Bilzerian, like what, are you obsessed with money right now?

I'm not obsessed with money.

I would just like to be able to, like, buy my own house or apartment someday.

-Your own apartment? -Where am I gonna live?

I have money. Like, I don't know why you're stressing.

I'm flush with cash right now.

We can talk about the summer school thing later.

I'm barely considering it, so this is a nonissue.

Yay.

Yay.

Malcolm, how much money do you have?

Because I have some really smart commercial

real estate investments that are lining up.

[? "I Hope You Dance" playing]

Right there. And then we come around.

Such a grand space they got for this this year.

They? I'm they.

Huh? I pull off a cap and gown, don't I?

Look at this guy looking like a... like a freakin'...

like a... like...

Shit. Too stressed.

I'm normally really good with insult comedy.

-I need a cigarette. -[Grant] Okay, good. We're good.

-Hey, Grant. -Yeah?

Gwen and I were wondering if we could

sit on stage with the other staff during the ceremony?

Why?

We want to help out Clay with his speech, like for moral support.

Evan, Evan, no, we talked...

You know what? Fine, fine. You want to sit up there? Fine.

Rick, we'll need two more chairs onstage.

[sighs]

So what do you think? Is this proposal happening?

He's here. He's got a whole plan, man. It's happening.

She's making a mistake to marry Nick, right?

Do you feel that? Like, if he makes her happy, great, okay?

I'm all for that. But what if I make her happy?

Like, I have to tell her how I feel, and, like, the clock is ticking.

-It is kind of now or never, so... -Are you saying that

-'cause you think she loves me? -Definitely not.

I'm almost positive she doesn't.

-Okay. -But look, you're at a crossroads.

You either need to tell her how you feel, or let it be too late to ever do so.

So just think about it.

-You do look cute in that cap. -Mm-hmm.

It's been a fantastic four years here at Morrison-Hensley.

And now without further ado, I'm proud to introduce

-this year's senior commencement orator. -Oh, God. Here we go.

You all know him. You all voted for him. Clay Connolly!

[applause, cheering]

He's gonna get Carrie'd.

There's probably pig blood up there.

-[Clay] Hi. Uh... -[microphone feedback]

[audience member coughs]

"A student body is...

mmm... is much like a flower with... uh, with petty metals."

No, "with... with many petals."

He can't even read what we wrote for him.

"Each... Each, uh..."

Okay, uh, this-this, yeah, this speech sucks.

Mr. Marquez and Ms. Sanders basically wrote it for me and forced me to read it.

[stammers] Sorry, that's not true.

Sit down, Mr. Marquez.

-Sit down? -Hell yeah, Clay.

Why are you always trying to help?

Why are you...

Has anyone... Has anyone ever asked you to help, huh?

You're not the president, chief.

[chuckles]

Act-Actually, no, you know what?

You... You are the president. Congratulations.

You've been elected as president of pissing me off.

[stammers] What is going on?

He just fucking roasted your ass.

Yeah, okay. Let's keep doing this.

-Now Ms. Sanders. -Oh.

Ms. Sanders wants people to like her so badly.

-She's one of these, uh, people pleasers. -[chuckles]

I'll tell you how you can please people, Ms. Sanders.

By not looking like a fucking poodle.

-[students laughing, cheering] -[Clay] Honestly,

how many times can one woman get norovirus, huh?

How does he know about that?

We have to stop this.

He is bullying us.

There is no stopping him now.

He's got the mob on his side, they're, like, whipped up into a frenzy.

Knock 'em dead, Clay!

Let's see. Let's see. Who we got here?

Hillridge! Coach Hillridge. Big tough guy.

You know, the reason he never fought in the army is

because he was medically declared the world's biggest pussy.

-[students laughing] -Lame.

-This sucks! -Lighten up.

Yeah, Rick. Wait till he comes for you.

I helped this kid get into Emory. He's not coming for me.

And now, Mr. Santana.

Oh, fuck.

How about you get yourself into college for a change, yeah?

It's a brand-new college.

Brand new.

The University of Gray Haired Little Bitches.

Dude, you were my boy.

Seniors, we out!

We certainly didn't expect anything like that.

But what a captivating speech nonetheless.

Hey, eat a dick, Professor X.

That's not okay, Clay.

All right, moving on.

..."your passion and your belief in us. The future is unwritten"...

I used to think it was "Valevictorian."

Like with a V. Guess that's why I wasn't Valevictorian.

[chuckles]

Gwen, I have to tell you something.

What's up?

I have to do this now, or I'll never do it, you know.

-Yeah, okay. -It's very awkward to say,

and it's very awkward to talk about...

-Gwen. -Yeah.

-[Grant] Coach. Coach! -I have feelings...

-What? What? -[Grant] You're up.

-You're up. Yes, go, go, go. -Now?

-Yeah. -It's okay. Tell me later.

Yeah.

-Rick, clap. -For this piece of shit?

And now, the names of your graduating seniors.

-Gwen, I have to tell you something too. -Yeah.

This shade of lipstick on you doesn't work.

Okay.

Becca Yates.

[applause, cheering]

[whooping]

And that is your Morrison-Hensley graduating class.

[cheering]

Whoo!

Uh, wait, it appears I forgot one name.

Uh, is there a student here who goes by William Ulysses Marryme?

He apparently goes by a shorter name, uh, "Will U. Marryme?"

[students laugh, murmur]

That's me!

Excuse me. Sorry. I'm Sorry.

What is he doing?

Gwen, just know that I'm here for you, okay?

Shit.

-[clears throat] -Is this happening?

Hi, everyone. Uh, my real name is Nick.

You may know me better as the boyfriend of Ms. Sanders, or as I call her Gwen.

-Come here. -Oh.

[chuckles]

-Oh. Oh, okay, all right. -You can put them down.

[audience exclaims]

Holy shit.

Gwendolyn Violet Sanders...

Wow, wow, wow.

...will you do me the honor of helping graduate from boyfriend

to husband?

What you got there? Oh, it's a ring.

-Nice. -Gwen,

will you marry me?

[Gwen stammers]

[chuckles]

Yes.

-[audience cheers] -She said yes!

We're getting married!

Shit. Sorry, sorry. I need that cap back.

It's a rental, so it's, like, a huge fee if I don't return it.

Happy graduation, Mr. Marquez.

Well, Mr. Marquez, can I pen-pal you?

Is MySpace still a thing for you guys?

I can send you update emails about my life in Haiti.

-Haiti. I thought you're going to Kuwait. -To help the children.

Oh. By the way, Mr. Marquez, I wanna thank you for all the help.

Everyone keeps coming up to me. They loved my speech.

Clay, what are you talking about?

You roasted me and my fellow teachers in front of the entire school.

You embarrassed us.

You know, I didn't really mean it, right?

It was all just for laughs.

We only roast the ones we love.

"We roast the ones we love." That's not a real phrase.

-Oh. -[Evan] Ugh.

You know what, actually, I don't even care.

'Cause you're not my student anymore.

So...

Oh, that's kind of sad, isn't it?

You're not my student anymore.

None of you are.

-You okay? -Yeah, I'm fine. I, uh...

I... I guess I'm just realizing I'm gonna miss you guys.

-We're gonna miss you too. -We're gonna miss you too, Mr. Marquez.

I'll follow you on Facebook.

[Grant] What time is it, Markie?

5:03 p.m.

All right. Three minutes into quitting time.

Thank you so much.

That's you. That's you.

[groans]

Another wonderful year on the books, hey, guys?

Cheers.

It was a great year, you know.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I'm gonna miss these fucking kids.

So actually, Grant.

I-I think I will take that summer school position.

-You will? -Yeah.

Oh! Yes, thank you, Evan.

Those fuck-up summer school kids are gonna be so lucky to have you.

You really are letting loose.

Summer time, baby.

We're gonna have so much fun. Those rooms, they get so hot.

And you'll meet the skunk with rabies.

-Oscar. Oh. -[phone buzzes]

-Malcolm? -I'll call him later.

Is Malcolm gonna be okay with you doing summer school?

Yeah, I'll talk to him tonight. I'm sure it's fine.

I can't take it anymore. I got to be honest.

Grant offered me the vice principal job, all right?

-What? On purpose? -That's great.

-No, it's not great. -It's okay. They're happy for you.

You don't have to be humble.

[Rick] Grant, you don't get it.

I thought about your offer, and I officially decline.

All this extra work I've been doing all year, this isn't me.

My passion is business.

I can't be putting all my energy into "school. " Like, what the fuck is that?

You realize that the position comes with a considerable raise?

Look, big dogs, sometimes you gotta lose money to make money.

That's why I lose so much money.

You guys are idiots.

All right, well, I can't say I'm not disappointed,

but you take care of yourself, all right?

I'll take it. I'll take it.

Position will remain empty.

-[student] Hey, Professor X. Come get us! -Are those... Are those kids?

Are they still here?

Son of a bitch, little animals.

-You've graduated. Go home! -[student laughing]

So how are you feeling about the proposal?

-[Gwen] Oh. [sighs] Um. -Excited?

Did I expect him to propose right now? No.

D-Do I want to marry him? Yes.

And then it's like, how am I feeling in this moment?

[stammers] Really good.

Yeah, for sure.

It's not like I... [stammers] I don't want to marry Nick,

but like I felt like I did have to say yes.

Well, you didn't have to.

What choice did I have?

I'm going to ruin graduation? I'm gonna say no?

I'm gonna embarrass Nick after he did so much for me?

-Right. -[Gwen] Thank you, by the way,

for helping him set it up.

Mr. Helpful, you know me.

And thank you for trying to warn me earlier.

That's what you were doing onstage, right?

-Yeah. -[Gwen] Oh, shit.

Nick's texting me.

He's saying that they're not letting him return the cap and gown.

He has a stain on it?

Okay, now he's calling me.

Hey, so at what point were you eating sriracha?

[Markie] Hey, hey.

Oh, my God, dude, she's got doubts.

You heard that, right?

Looks like today turned out pretty freaking well for me.

-My guy... -[Markie] What?

...just because she doesn't like her fianc� doesn't mean she does like you.

We're just gonna have to wait and see, right?

-[Evan inhales deeply] -[Markie] Huh?

Yeah.

Malcolm!

I'm back.

[? "It Must Have Been Love" playing]

? Lay a whisper on my pillow ?

? Leave the winter On the ground ?

? I wake up lonely There's air of silence... ?

Hey, I just read the note too, and I'm really sorry. [cries]

But Malcolm wants me to go with him to Berlin.

The-The-The ticket has my name on it.

? It must have been love ?

? But it's over now ?

? It must have been good ?

? But I lost it somehow ?

? It must have been love ?

? But it's over now ?

? From the moment we touched ?

? Till the time had run out ?

-? It must have been love ? -? Must have been love ?

-? But it's over now ? -? But it's over now ?

? It must have been good ?

? But I lost it somehow ?

-? It must have been love ? -? Must have been love ?

? But it's over now ?

? From the moment we touched ?

? Till the time had run out ?

-? It must have been love ? -? Must have been love ?

? But it's over now ?

[song fades]

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