Original subtitles

[? "The Promise" playing]

-[Evan] Bye, Markie. -See you this weekend, Evan.

-What? No, you won't. -[engine starts]

Evan, what time are you gonna get there on Sunday?

What? Getting where?

To Grant's house for dinner. You didn't get his text?

-Oh, shit. I'm not going to that. -What?

I don't like going to work events on the weekend.

-I need time for myself. -[engine rumbling]

When a principal of a school asks you to go to his house, you do it.

-Can I get a ride there? -Wait, what?

Yeah, fine. I'll pick you up at 3:30, Rick.

I can't hear you!

Markie, what is going on with your muffler?

The muffler processes the toxins from the engine into the atmosphere.

It's normal. It's completely normal.

-It's on fire. Look, it's on fire. -[Markie] You're on fire, baby!

Nice one though.

Oh, shit. Shit. Shit.

? I'm sorry But I'm just thinking Of the right words to say

-? I promise you ? -? I know they don't sound

-? The way I planned them to be ?

[Rick] Thanks again for the ride, dude.

I lost the charger to my Nissan Leaf, so I'm basically fucked.

You gotta get a new one of those. Markie's coming to this too, right?

Yeah, I bet he tries to hook up with Gwen.

He's not gonna try to hook up with Gwen.

Dude, he's always trying to pull some shit at these non-school-type functions.

Gwen does not know that Markie has a crush on her,

and Markie explicitly asked us not to say anything to her.

I'm not a snitch.

So don't make jokes about it in front of her.

Loose lips sink ships, and I love ships.

-Hey. -Hey, hey.

[chuckles] This is so exciting.

We're finally getting to see Grant's house.

-Like, we're going to Oz. Hi. Big hug. -I know. We've arrived.

What do you think this dinner party's about?

-I don't know. -[Rick] I mean, it's obvious.

What's obvious?

-Grant. -What do you mean?

-He doesn't have much time left. -What?

He's sick, damn it.

-Oh, Rick. -No, that's not it.

-Look at the text. -I saw the text.

"Hello, all. What a wonderful and uneventful week it was." Depressed.

"As you four are special employees in my life,

I'd like to finally have you all over for dinner Sunday.

I have a life-changing announcement."

This is it, y'all.

This is the Last Supper, okay?

-I've made my peace with it. -Okay.

It's all the plastics. He's eating so much damn plastic.

What's the wife's name?

Oh, shit. Uh, Jessica. What's the daughter's name?

Jessica again?

-Or no, Annie. Annie. -Ketchup?

-The daughter's name is Annie. -Annie.

I'm just thinking of my favorite food.

[gasps] Welcome, y'all. Come on in. Don't be shy.

Grant's upstairs finishing getting ready.

I'm Gil.

Come on in, silly gooses.

Oh, my God. I have heard so much about y'all.

-It is so nice to meet you. -Heard about us?

-[chuckling] Yeah. -Hey, I'm Evan.

-Yeah. -[gasps] Evan.

Grant told me a lot about you.

What did he say?

Just that you're a handful and that you're like the Dr. House of the school.

Yeah.

-Gwen. I'm obsessed with that hair. -Oh!

Sorry, what's your relation to Grant? Remind me.

I'm so sorry. I've gotta hop back in the kitchen and check on those shrimps.

Who is that?

Who the fuck was that?

He didn't even say hello to me.

I bet this is, like, the one other gay guy Grant knows,

and he, like, brings him here to set me up with him.

Yeah, yeah.

Maybe everywhere we go somebody's always trying to set you up.

Benvenuti, ragazzi.

Welcome to my house.

You honor me with your presence.

[both grunt]

-I love you, pal. -Thank you, Rick.

You look so hip in this newsboy cap.

Well, thank you. It's a special... It's a special night.

[groans]

You remember my wife, Sasha.

-Sasha. Oh! -Sasha! Yeah. [chuckles]

I was just saying we love that hat.

Oh, I know. Doesn't he look so sexy in that hat?

She likes it when I dress up like Stanley Tucci.

-Aw. -Come, come. I'm in the kitchen.

We still have so much work to do,

and I want you all to meet our beautiful daughter Abby.

-Hi. We've never met. -I've heard so much about you.

Nice to meet you.

-I'm really sorry. -Hi. Uh...

And you've already met, uh, Abby's boyfriend, Gil.

Mmm.

That's me, big bad boyfriend. [laughs]

Boyfriend. You're Abby's boyfriend. That's awesome.

-You're so funny. -Yeah.

Hey, hon, just be careful. You gotta cut the heads off those shrimp,

otherwise they're... they're not gonna be dead.

-H... [stammers] -How do you guys...

How long have you been together?

God. What, like, four years?

I mean, it feels like ten

-'cause we were Snapchatting all of COVID. -[Abby] We were.

But then we got our shots and we met up at Starbucks,

and I saw her, and I was just so...

I was overcome by this very primal masculine urge to be with her.

They even kicked us out of Starbucks 'cause I couldn't keep my hands off her.

-They did. -She couldn't either.

And I just love her.

-Love you, baby. Oh. Yeah. -Yeah. See. Love you.

Sounds hot.

So I says, "Do you remember my pin code?"

He said, "No, I don't. I don't even know you. I just met you."

That guy, Gil, is dating Grant's female daughter.

-That is a puzzler. -That is crazy.

-It's crazy. -I mean, I'm open-minded,

but that guy is gay, right?

-Gay. -I'm losing my mind.

-[Gwen] Losing my mind. -I've never met a gayer person.

-Me neither. -And then he's like,

"We fell in love. I felt so much sexual chemistry with her."

-I was like, "Don't talk to me about--" -No chemistry.

You don't touch her. Yeah.

Look at these. There's still poop in the back, hon.

-[Abby] I'm sorry. -It's okay,

but next time just look a little closer.

[sighs] Should we say something to Grant about it?

Mm-mmm. Just leave it alone.

You shouldn't meddle in other people's relationships.

No, no, no. I've learned, in these situations, you should meddle.

You don't know this.

My sister had a two-year marriage with a gay guy.

Not that gay, but gay.

I knew he was, like, going to spas and on the apps,

and I never said anything.

And then they had this very ugly divorce

because he was cheating on her with, like, 11 guys.

What?

I never said anything, and she's never forgiven me for it,

so I've learned, when people are gay,

you have to start telling people early and often.

[Markie] Heyo! Sorry we're late.

Uh, this is Brit.

[chuckling] That was my bad.

Blame it on the girlfriend for being late.

I was having a false alarm with one of my pregnant mothers.

-Girlfriend? -She was having Braxton-Hicks.

-You know, Braxton-Hicks. -Yeah.

I'm sure you all know what Braxton-Hicks are.

Sounds like a steak house.

So Braxton-Hicks is when you start having contractions,

but the baby isn't coming.

I know this because I'm a doula,

but I'm sure Markie told you this already.

He's a big talker. He's a big, big talker.

I talk about her all day.

I don't talk about these nerds enough,

-so that's Rick, uh, that's Evan. -Hi.

-Hi. -[Markie] That's Gwen.

-Oh, Gwen. -[Markie] Yeah.

Gwen, Brit. Hi.

-Markie, you're here. -That's the boss man.

Oh, you brought someone. Oh, that's... No, that's great.

That's great. We're Italian. We have plenty of food for everybody.

I'm not the only one who brought a plus-one, right?

I didn't mean to crash.

-Happy to have you. -You're not crashing.

-I'm gonna take the truck. -I'll get a ride.

-Thank you. -Evan?

-That's so silly. -Brit, come back.

Yeah.

Why don't you stay, and we'll get you a drink?

[scoffs] That is so nice.

Everything I've heard about you makes sense now.

You're the best, Gwen.

Okay. Let's go, sister.

-Let's get you a beverage. -Very sweet.

[Brit] Yes, yes, yes. That's so nice.

I would love a drink at some point, I tell you. [chuckles]

She seems really exciting.

She's great, right? She's great.

I feel like you've barely talked about her.

It's early days, you know, but it's... it's fun. It's a lot of fun.

It's fun. It's a lot of fun. It's fun.

[singing indistinctly]

Grant, stop singing.

You know how much plastic this is leaving on your plates?

Rick, no.

You eat a credit card of microplastic a week, dude.

Just put it back. Put it back.

Hey, Grant, can I talk to you for a second about this Gil fellow?

-I think he's-- Ow! -Y'all talking about me?

-[Evan chuckles] Oh. -[laughs]

I'm sorry, I was just asking Grant what you were doing with the shrimp there.

Gil used to work at Benihana.

Yeah, I used to work in payroll,

but I think I got the gist of what those chefs were doing.

I picked up on all their little tricks.

Come on, Evan. Open up.

Oh, what? No, no, no, no. What?

Oh, come on. Open your mouth.

-Open your mouth. -Evan, Evan, Evan.

This is how all the teppanyaki chefs do it.

-What? -Open up.

-Gonna get it. -[Evan] No!

-[laughs] -[Grant speaks indistinctly]

Oh, boo-hoo. You're no fun.

Where's my hoisin sauce?

Oh. Behind.

-Be-- [laughs] -[Grant] Yes, Chef.

Y'all seen The Bears ?

So then I was in Amsterdam with my friends Nancy and Joey,

-and Joey was originally Dutch. [chuckles] -Oh, wow.

Oh, did Markie tell you all this already?

-About Joey? No. -Wait,

he didn't tell you about Joey and his broken leg?

-No, he didn't tell me about that. -Yeah.

You know what? I'm gonna go to the kitchen real quick,

-'cause I gotta check on-- -No, wait.

I have to show you a picture of Joey.

-Of Joey. Okay. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-What do you think they're talking about? -Who?

Oh. I don't know, whatever.

They're probably just making regular conversation.

-[sighs] -Why, are you worried?

I'm afraid Brit is gonna tell Gwen that I used to have a crush on her.

But you told Brit that?

-Oh, man. -Why would you tell her that?

It was that... It was that early stage.

It was before we were even dating, you know?

I was just, like, confiding in her.

Women love vulnerability, man, and it worked. It worked.

But now I'm kind of freaking out that she's gonna say something.

I've gotta be honest, she seems like she really likes to talk.

I wouldn't be shocked if it came up.

Goddamn it.

All right, I gotta go dive on that grenade.

Gotta do it now.

I have so many pictures of Joey, but none of them capture

what he really looks like, you know what I mean?

Hey, hey, hey, my ears are on fire.

Y'all better not be talking about me in here.

Don't you worry about your special girls, Markie.

Hey, I just got one special girl.

-That's you, babe. -Cheers.

Hey, Grant's got an amazing cornhole setup.

Let's go do some quality time.

-You guys have so much fun playing. -Exactly.

I promised Grant I'd help him in the kitchen.

No, no, I'll come with.

Because us sisters, we gotta stick together.

I wanna keep talking to you.

Awesome. That's awesome.

[toilet flushes]

Evan, get on in here for a second. I need a partner in crime.

What... What are you doing here?

I feel like I'm gonna get in trouble.

Why? 'Cause you're in the owner of the school's bedroom?

-Grant doesn't own the school. -[scoffs]

I've actually been wanting to get a moment alone with you.

I've... I've been thinking, I feel like we're really similar, you and I.

How so?

Well, I feel like maybe you and I have some of the same tastes.

What? Taste in movies? My favorite's Van Helsing

Your favorite movie is Van Helsing

Yeah, I love Viggo, don't you?

What I meant is, like, I think we might, you know, be similar in,

like, the kind of people we might like.

What kind of people do you like?

I like people that are masculine.

Like news anchors?

-Sure, among other... -Oh, my God. Look at these.

Oh, my God, put that back.

Gil, what are you doing in here?

I am just looking for a claw clip for Abby 'cause I love her.

Toodles.

Abby, girl.

Am I being punked?

[whispering] Oh, my God, Gwen, where have you been?

It's been, like, a fucking hour.

Brit's sort of latched on to me.

She's telling me these boring stories about people I don't know.

Okay, well, I'm sorry that happened to you,

but there are more important issues at hand.

Gil just showed me panties.

Whose panties?

Sasha's, but I don't know. He's gay. He's just acting gay all the time.

I've never been more sure of anything...

It's just split end city up in here.

"Split end city"?

He's in the closet. Big deal. I've dated so many men in the closet.

You just can't out everybody. You gay. You gay. You gay. You gay. No.

-You've dated so many men in the closet? -Yes--

Gwen, I finally found the right picture of Joey.

Oh, boy.

Evan, you want to see it?

No, thank you.

Sup, pimp. Take a Post-it.

Put it on whatever you want for when Grant dies.

Grant is not dying, Rick, and if he does, his wife is gonna keep this lamp.

-This lamp? It's ugly. -Then why do you want it?

It's a lamp!

Sell these hos on my Etsy.

-Markie. -Yeah?

-Can I ask you something? -Yeah.

If you knew somebody was gay, but nobody else knew,

-would you say something? -Absolutely.

You gotta speak early and often on that, dude.

Hell yeah, buddy.

-That's what I said. -Yes, man.

We had this sensitive situation in high school.

We had this kid-- We knew he was gay, right?

We all knew, so we told everyone.

People who didn't even go to our high school, we told them.

We told people who weren't even in high school.

-We told everyone, especially him. -That's not good.

No, it is, dude, he needed to know.

-And he knew-- -No, you were bullying him.

No, dude, bullying is only if the guy's not gay.

-That's fucked up. -But you're right. Early and often.

-Early and often. -Yes, yes.

Wait, why are you asking this, by the way?

What?

-Is it Rick? -No, it's not Rick, Markie.

Who's gay?

Clearly I'm talking about this guy Gil.

-Gil? -Yeah.

You think Gil is gay?

I'm certain that Gil is gay.

Evan, Evan, Gil is not gay.

He's just a Southern effeminate man.

That's a whole different category, bud.

I've known those guys all my life.

Charm, yeah, they got a lot of that.

Pizzazz, all that shit. But that's not... No, that's not gay.

Those guys are closeted gay men.

So what? So what? Every effeminate Southern man's gay?

It's just that Southern men are more likely to stay in the closet.

-So my youth pastor was gay? -Very likely, yes.

-So my Boy Scout leader was gay? -Probably.

So the guy who cut my hair growing up and his roommate... both gay?

Just look back. It's gonna be like the end of the

You're gonna be like, "All these people were gay."

So, Joey has ADD. You know who else does?

My mom has ADD. And they don't want to share about it,

and I wish they would. It's a stigma. It's a stigma...

Hey, Grant?

Grant, can I talk to you really quick? Just privately, you and me?

Yeah. Here. Help me set the table.

These plates are crazy. The bear is eating the woman?

Great-grandmother's old hunting plates.

They're very morbid. Listen I wanted to talk to you about Gil.

I don't really know how to say this,

and I think maybe it's gonna be a little awkward.

But Gil, I think, has a secret, and he's not telling anybody,

and I just think it's my personal responsibility

to say something about this.

Not just for your sake, but for Abby's too.

He told you, didn't he?

-No. -He told you... I mean---

He didn't admit it to me.

I mean, I know his little secret.

You do?

Well, of course. You don't think he'd ask for my permission first?

Oh. To do what?

To marry Abby, duh.

-What? They're getting engaged? -Shush, Evan, shush.

Why would you want to ruin a surprise like that?

No, that can't be happening.

That's not what I was talking about at all.

-That's my lasagna. -How are people not seeing this?

You know what? I'm gonna go to the bathroom really quick.

-I'll be right back. -Oh, I'll come too.

-No, don't. -Babe, I got you a seltzer.

-Thanks. -Where y'all going?

-Bathroom. -Together?

I'm just gonna go to the bathroom by myself.

-We're girls, Markie. -Stop it. Watch your foot.

There's, like, four other bathrooms in this house.

-I want this bathroom. -[Gwen] Please stop.

I can't wait to tell you the story about the bike.

-Oh, wait, can I pee first? -Mm-hmm.

We were crying-laughing because Nancy and Joey had to go into a store...

-Mmm. -...like, right before we got on the bikes,

because Joey got some schmutz all over his pants.

-And then... -[defecating]

Yeah, where were we? Oh, right. Okay.

And so then he gets on his bike, and he makes a face, like...

-Like, it's like... -[loud splash]

-Wait... No, no, Gwen. -[gasps] Oh, my God.

Gwen, wait, wait. You have to...

You have to look at me to get the story. Like, look at my face. He's like...

-[defecating] -[chuckling]

Do you have di... diarrhea? 'Cause I can go.

No, no. It's embarrassing. Don't open the door on me.

Oh, wait, where was I? Oh, Joey.

Oh, no, continue. Yeah.

-He's like touching the side of his pants. -[defecating]

He doesn't have any pockets, 'cause he's wearing women's pants.

We never have pockets in our pants.

Ugh, sorry, I thought this would be quick.

[defecating]

[scoffs] Lord, it feels good to put my heels up.

My puppies were barking. [laughs]

-You got crazy confidence. I love it. -[Gil] Thank you.

Wow, Gil, I would love to get to know you a bit more.

You would? You wanna know all my little secrets?

[Evan chuckling] I sure do.

Does Abby know your secrets?

I mean, she knows absolutely everything about me.

-She even knows about my tattoo. -I do.

-What's the tattoo? -It's kinda embarrassing.

-No, it's not. Show 'em. -Is it embarrassing? You can show me.

-We wanna see it. -[Gil] I just met these people.

-Get up and show 'em. -Okay, fine.

-Okay, come on. -[Gil clears throat]

[Evan] Wow.

There it is. What do you think of that, Markie?

That dude is ripped. Is that you? Did you serve?

No, but my dad did. It's in honor of him.

-Markie, it's, like, a buff... sailor. -[Markie] Yeah.

He was on a lot of steroids.

-Thank him for his service. -I will.

Dinner's ready. I need hands. Hands!

-Oh, I taught him that saying. -[Abby chuckles]

You taught him how to say "hands"?

Hey, wait, Gil. Can you just hang back a second? Talk to me.

Sure, hon. What's up?

Um, I-I-I know this is gonna be awkward...

but...

aren't you gay?

Excuse me?

I'm asking you, like, as a gay man myself,

are you also gay?

I'm just... like, no judgment.

Well, if you really must know, I am 80-20, gay-bi.

-You're what? -I said I'm 80-20, gay-bi.

You're 80-20, gay-bi?

Mm-hmm. Eighty percent gay, twenty percent bi.

So, if you're 20% bi, then you're only 10% straight?

-You got it. -[Grant] Gentlemen, dinner!

We can talk more about this later, kitten, but I know you was wondering.

Now, let me get my mouth on some of those shrimps.

[Grant speaks indistinctly]

[whispering] Gwen. Hey, Gwen. Hi there. Seafood.

[chuckles]

Gil, stop. [chuckles]

What? I can't be playing footsie with my special lady?

[Abby] We're at the table. My God.

Grant, you outdid yourself, bud. This is a great meal.

Hmm.

What's the announcement?

Quando morir�, se morir�,

sar� felice di sapere che ho trascorso una bellissima vita

e una bella cena con la mia famiglia.

That translates into,

"When I die, I will be happy because I'm surrounded by family."

This sucks.

-Very sweet. -Beautiful.

[Rick] It sucks.

Okay, all right. You've waited long enough.

I've invited everyone here because I have something very personal to share.

[sighs] This is gonna fuck me up.

You all have a very special place in my life,

and I just want you to know that, um...

that after 16 years and six months shepherding

Morrison-Hensley High School,

I am officially going to leave it all behind.

-[Rick] Dying. -[Markie] Who poached you?

-What? You're quitting? -No, I'm retiring.

I'm retiring and leav... I'm leaving you all to flourish without me.

Congratulations, Dad! [chuckles]

Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I will officially be taking my leave

as principal of Morrison-Hensley on May 23, 2035.

So, in ten years?

-Yeah. -Okay. That's exciting.

That's what you brought us here to say?

Just giving you enough time to prepare for it.

I think I'd be ready... I'll be ready in ten years.

Aren't you gonna be dead by then?

[chuckling] I hope not.

To Grant's retirement.

-He will be missed. Eventually. -Yeah. Eventually, eventually, eventually.

To Grant beating this thing.

[all clamor]

We'll celebrate with Chardonnay at Sandals.

[all laugh]

-[Grant] Can't wait. -[Rick] I can't fucking believe it.

Um... You know, can I...

-Can I say something as well? -[Grant] Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, I hate to do this. And I don't, you know...

I'm not somebody who likes to make a scene,

but, um, Grant, I... [stutters] ...care about you.

And I care about your daughter.

-No, no, no. -[Evan] This is... This is something...

-Evan, stop. -It's fine.

I think this is something that isn't my place to say,

but I'm losing my mind because Gil should be saying this.

So, actually, why don't you...

why don't you tell them what you told me?

You know, for their sake.

[sighs, groans]

Say it.

I assume this is about me being 80-20, gay-bi?

Yeah, it is. There it is.

What the fuck is that?

And it's about you being only 10% straight.

-And that 10% burns for Abby. -[Brit] Aw.

-That's right, baby. -I love you, honey.

Baby, I love you too. Come here.

What?

You know what, Evan? We already know. We already know.

You knew? You knew.

Oh, and you knew.

[Grant] Not something we talk about over the dinner table

because, quite frankly, it's none of our business.

But, again, not new information to anyone involved.

[smacks lips]

Thank you, Evan.

Yeah... Hey, be careful of that bathroom.

Gwen blew it up. She's got crazy diarrhea.

Is that okay that I shared that?

[breathes deeply, sighs]

-[whispering] I'm sorry I upset you. -Oh, Evan, you didn't upset me.

I'm just powdering my tiramisu. Here, you powder.

Oh, okay, I've never done this.

Yeah, I just... I guess I didn't realize everybody knew.

Yeah, we did. Gil is 20... 20-80.

-Eighty-twenty. -Right.

Gay-bi.

Yeah, well, you know... [stammers]

It confused me at first, but they walked me through it. I'm fine.

And you're just fine with that? You're down for your daughter to marry this guy?

What is this talk? Are you doing bi erasure in my house?

Not bi erasure. The guy's 90% gay, but...

-[chuckles] -No, I'm just...

I don't know, I guess I'm impressed you're open and accepting.

He makes Abby happy, and that makes me happy.

I mean, it's very cool, you know.

All right, there... Stop. That's too much powder.

That's way too much powder.

Just go. I'll have to take some off.

[groans]

[Gwen] Where's Brit?

Uh, she took the truck home. Said she was coming down with something.

Mmm.

She might be, yeah. She might be sick.

-Yeah. -Can I talk to you?

I usually don't meddle in other people's relationships,

but can I talk to you about Brit?

Yeah.

You know, I don't... I don't think she's a match for you.

She may not be Mrs. Right, I get it, but she's Mrs. Right Now.

She should be Miss Not Never. Okay?

-Okay. -No, no, no.

Just please, for me, break up with her. Okay? For me.

Yeah? Thank you.

Is everything okay?

[scoffs] A-okay, brother. A-okay, buddy.

What?

The whole reason I brought Brit here tonight

was basically to make Gwen jealous, and it just worked.

She just begged me to dump Brit. Begged me.

Right there where you're sitting.

I'm riding on a high right now.

Markie, she took a shit in front of Gwen.

Whatever works.

-Bye, Grant, thank you so much. -[Grant] Good night. Thanks for coming.

-We love you. -Bye, Grant.

-[Abby] Drive safe. -Bye, Gil. Thanks for the shrimps.

-[Grant] Bye, drive safe. -You're welcome. Bye.

-[Sasha] Night. Good to see everyone. -Gil. Hey, Gil. Gil.

I just...

I'm sorry. I hope there's no hard feelings about earlier.

Um...

It was stupid.

It's okay. Thank you.

I get why you were concerned.

But you know there's all kinds of different love,

and this works for us.

-So, is it, like, an open relationship? -That's none of your business.

Right. Totally fair.

You know, I understand why Grant's retiring.

-You're a lot. -I am.

I could have sworn you were hitting on me, though.

I... Was I... I was misinterpreting?

You were, 'cause if I was, you'd know. We'd be pounding.

You guys going belts or no belt on the way home?

That guy's gay.

[? "The Promise" playing]

? I'm sorry But I'm just thinking Of the right words to say

-? I promise you ? -? I know they don't sound

-? The way I planned them to be ?

? But if you wait around A while I'll make you Fall for me

-? I promise you ? -? I promise, I promise you

? I'm sorry But I'm just thinking Of the right words to say

-? I promise you ? -? I know they don't sound

-? The way I planned them to be ?

? And if I had to Walk the world I'd make you fall for me

? I promise you I promise you I will ?

? I will ?

? I will ?

? I will ?

[song ends]

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