Original subtitles

I'm going down south, I'm gonna have myself time.

Friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation.

Going down south, I'm gonna leave my woes to hide.

And we're parking day on night, people spouting hot endeavors.

And on up south, I'm gonna see if I can't unwind.

Come on down south out there and meet some friends of mine.

Okay kids, let's take our seats.

Before we get started, we have a guest speaker today.

Please give your undivided attention to Kipling.

Thank you, sir. Hey, what's up, guys? My name's Kipling. I'm with the Weeblos of

America. I want to talk to you guys about the exciting opportunity to join

Weeblos. Is that a chick or a dude?

Shut up. I'm sure some of you were in scouts before. Weeblos are an extension

scouts, specifically for fifth and sixth graders.

You guys, is that a chick or a dude?

It's a chick. Nah, that's a dude, bro.

We'd like to be a part of it as well.

Now, I know what y 'all might be thinking.

Weeblos used to be only for boys.

Well, now they also allow girls. And I myself, as a Weeblo, can tell you it's a

great organization for everyone.

I don't know, guys. I'm like 60 % sure that was a f***ing dude.

I'm definitely betting it's a chick. What are the odds at?

Looks like about 40 kids betting now, 55 % saying the Weeblo is a dude. So I'd

only win like five bucks on a $2 bet.

What are you guys talking about?

Prediction market app, dude. You know, online peer -to -peer betting.

Yeah, it's social platform betting. People can make any bet they want and

other users take them up on it. Really?

Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude. People bet on anything, even stuff here at the

SKU. See?

Will the girls' soccer team win on Friday? Will there be a snow day this

Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital?

Will school lunch have tater tots next week? Wait, what was that?

Will school lunch have tater tots next week?

No, the one about my mom.

Oh, uh, will Kyle's mom strike Gaza and destroy a Palestinian hospital?

Why the hell would my... My mom destroyed a Palestinian hospital.

Because she's a Jew?

Boys, put them away.

You know the rules. No cell phones during school time.

Sorry, Jesus.

No phones, guys.

Take that bet down right now, fat ass. I didn't put it up, Kyle.

I'm not even betting on it. It's nine to one odds. Your mom won't do it. Those

are terrible odds.

This is such bullshit.

I'm going to find out who started this, and I'm going to rip him a new asshole.

Man, you just bring up Gaza to a Jew and they flip out.

Maybe these are pretty good odds.

U .S. Fat News!

They're called prediction market apps, controversial online betting that's

a loophole around normal gambling laws.

And, of course, the number one trending bet on the apps, will President Trump

and Satan's baby be a boy or a girl?

That's right, prediction market apps are going crazy right now.

On Kalshi, 54 % are betting it's going to be a boy. While bettors on Polymarket

are at nearly 60%. The demonic butt baby is going to be a girl.

Hello, boss.

Another gift for the baby.

Another present for the baby? What about me?

Everyone is so excited for the baby booth. You must be so excited as well.

Uh, yeah, sure, real excited.

It is going to completely change your laughter.

What are you talking about?

Well, when the baby comes, you will have to give it all your attention.

No more dinner parties in the Rose Garden.

No more baseball games.

No more traveling.

No more long nights at Mar -a -Lago.

Oh.

Ooh.

Hey, Satan!

You want to get in the hot tub and smoke some cigarettes?

Hot tubs and cigarettes are really bad for the baby.

Yeah, I know. Let's do it anyway.

Wait, do you want to get rid of the baby?

I don't think your followers would be very happy if we got an abortion.

Hey, relax, guy. I don't want to get rid of the baby.

Good, because we're not going to.

Oh, hey, Kyle. What the hell is this?

That's a prediction market app.

I'm asking why did you bet yes that my mom would strike Gaza?

Oh, yeah, I put some money on that. I know it's not very likely, but I like to

bet on long shots.

Why are you betting on it at all? Israel and Gaza is a very serious matter.

Oh, I know, Kyle. I told a joke about Gaza at a Zoom meeting yesterday, and

nobody left.

I guess it's not even remotely funny.

Wow, what a terrific audience.

wrong with you people? Do you even know what Gaza is?

You seriously just care about making a couple bucks?

You know what my mom would do if she found out about this? She would

lose her shit.

There's been a conflict in Israel for thousands of years, and Jews and

Palestinians are not football teams that you bet on.

Guys, phones.

Sorry, Jesus.

Kyle, if you think the bet isn't fair, then you can just take it up with the

company that manages the app. I can?

Sure thing.

These apps aren't run -of -the -mill rinky -dink.

They're all run by highly professional strategic advisors.

strategic advisor for predictive markets?

Yes, it is.

Well, there's a bet on one of your apps that's incredibly insensitive, and it

needs to be taken down. Now!

Oh, uh, all our bets are actually regulated by the CFTC.

You need to talk to them.

What's the CFTC?

It's the Commodity Futures Trading Commission.

It's the federal government. They have to prove all bets and deal with

discrepancies.

Fine, I'll call the CFTC then. So stupid.

Commodity Futures Trading Commission.

Here we go.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm calling about a prediction market bet that's offensive to Jewish

people. Oh, that sounds really bad.

If it's offensive, you probably need to speak with the FCC.

The FCC?

Yeah, they're dealing with all the offensive stuff now. Here, let me

you.

Hello?

This is the same guy.

Who is it?

Oh, apparently there's a really offensive bet on one of the apps that

government is sort of in charge of, and I'm like the strategic advisor.

An offensive government app?

I better go speak with the president right away.

Just real quick.

For what?

For just real quick.

Oh, there you are, Mr. President. I need to talk to you.

No, no, no, no. Brandon Carr. No. Whoa. Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

The FTC guy must have shitty ankles.

You guys. You guys.

Have you checked out the betting app lately?

No. Ever since Kyle got all pissed off, the odds are going up on his mom

attacking Gaza.

No way.

Yeah, check it out. Now 17 % of people are betting she's going to do it. We got

to get in on this, guys.

Dude, Kyle's mom isn't going to strike Gaza.

Yes, exactly. We know that. And we can also influence Kyle to get the odds

raised even more.

It's called a conflict of interest, you guys. It's a way to make free money.

Isn't that illegal?

Yes. All we have to do is make sure Kyle stays angry and at the same time go

talk anti -Semitic shit about his mom to goose the odds up even more.

What are you guys talking about?

Nothing. Just talking about how messed up it is everyone hates Jews now.

You think it's messed up. Yes, I do, Cal. Why would an app allow a bet like

to exist? It's obvious rage bait. Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.

Dude, you might just want to let it go.

See? Just let it go.

That's how people want you to deal with a crisis that they don't even

understand. Yes.

Thank you. You can't give up, Cal.

It's not cool people would say this stuff about your mom.

And honestly, if you don't have her back, who will?

Hey, have you guys heard about Kyle's mom?

Man, that bitch has it out for Palestine, let me tell you.

Well, I don't know, I would just hate to be at a Palestinian hospital, that's

all I can say.

Well, anyway, good to talk to you guys.

Hey guys!

Guys, have you heard about my friend Kyle's mom?

Oh my goodness, can you believe all the crazy apps our kids are on these days?

Ugh, who can keep track anymore?

Kyle comes to me every day with a new app that he just has to have. I tell

that app... costs money, Kyle. Then it charges you money. Where are you going

get this money?

Yeah, you know what would be nice? It's an app where you can actually make some

money. Oh, yes.

That'd be great, wouldn't it?

Yes, it certainly would.

So, Sheila, how have you been feeling about the current situation in Gaza?

What? Yeah, just thought we'd sort of take your temperature.

Which way are you thinking about going with that?

Well, I think it's all horrible. A lot of people are dying.

Uh -huh. And do you feel like you need to do anything about it?

What would I do about it?

I mean, probably nothing, right?

You're going to do nothing about it. Are you implying the Jews in America have

some kind of obligation to do something about it? Whoa, whoa! You want to vilify

my faith, is that it? Sheila, it's okay.

It's not Jews versus Palestine.

It's Israel versus Palestine.

Here we go with the Palestinian stuff again.

And maybe if you read books instead of everything Hollywood actors say, you'd

know the difference.

What are you putting your money on?

I mean, it's a ridiculous bet, but she seems pretty pissed off.

There's really no money to be made on betting she won't. Yeah, let's pick the

long odds. That makes these apps more fun.

Yeah.

I made you some soup.

I don't like carrots.

Good for you.

I don't want carrots.

I ordered cheesecake on DoorDash.

Mr. President, I really need to speak with you.

Not now, Brandon Carr. Satan won't eat his carrots.

Oh, come on, Satan. You're eating for two now. Carrots are good for you, see?

No, Brandon Carr. Don't do it.

Oh, wow.

This is the best soup ever. Oh, God.

Whoa.

Whoa. Whoa.

where I went today, it was the same thing.

What are you going to do about Gaza?

Like us Jews in America have any control over what's going on in Israel.

Why is everyone suddenly confronting us about the politics?

Have people been asking what you think about Gaza, Gerald?

No, for some reason they were just asking what you think about it. You see?

just pure anti -Semitism.

I'm so sick of being grilled about my views on Palestine and my thoughts on

Hamas.

And being judged for things that are centuries old and that non -Jews know

nothing about!

Well, if they all think we should do something, then you better believe I'll

something! You know, Mom, I'm starting to think that us Jews should just lay

for a little bit.

There! Now my son is complacent! This is one Jewish household that will not put

up with it anymore!

Ma, please, don't make things any worse.

Worse? How can it be any worse?

I'm going to find out where all this is coming from!

Another present for the baby.

Another present for the baby. Right.

Isn't it cute, boss? We must be careful, though. Cats can be very harmful to a

pregnancy.

Harmful to a pregnancy?

Well, yes, boss.

It's a parasite called Toxoplasmosis. It can be transferred from cats to humans

and bring about some complications.

Toxoplasmosis?

Thank you.

What? I thought you were napping in our room.

No, I had to go get the ultrasound.

I can't believe you didn't show up. It really makes me feel like you don't care

about this baby.

Hey, relax, guy. Of course I care about the baby.

Mr. President, I'm feeling much better. No!

I did it.

You did what? I talked so much shit about the Jews that I got the odds on

bet up to 95%. Are you sure?

Yeah, check it out. I put $1 ,400 on it last night. I am locked in.

Where'd you get $1 ,400?

I just took my mom's debit card, entered all the info into the betting app, and

put all the money she has on it.

Cool. Isn't she going to be pissed off?

Yeah, not when I turn her $1 ,400 into $14 ,000. This is the safest investment

ever. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Hey, Phyllis.

Phyllis. Fellas, have you seen the news?

Kyle's mom's in Israel.

Dude,

your mom's in Israel.

I know.

Wait, you gotta call her. You gotta calm her down.

I've been trying to call her. Her phone's not working over there.

Kyle, this is no time for weakness.

Whatever your mom is doing, it is going to make kids here even more anti

-Semitic.

You're totally right.

Damn right I'm right.

You have to get a hold of your mom and tell her to calm down, Kyle. Call the

Israeli government if you have to. How do I call the Israeli government?

Call a diplomat. Call an embassy.

You just have to talk to someone who works for Israel.

shitting me. What? This is the strategic advisor for predictive market apps.

Time to take the bet down.

What? Make him take the bet down, Cal. It is anti -Semitic and you have to

for what you believe in.

I called before about an offensive bet and I want that bet taken down right

That's right.

Oh, yes. I believe your complaint was being reviewed by the head of the SEC.

Well, then what's the head of the SEC doing?

Where the hell is he?

Well...

Mr. Carr?

Mr. Carr, can you hear me?

We understand you're head of the FCC. Is that correct?

All right. Well, I'm very sorry, but you do appear to have toxoplasmosis from

exposure to cat feces.

We need you to get some rest. Try not to move.

Will the head of the FCC be okay, Doctor?

His bones are healing, so he may regain full range of motion. But if the

Toxoplasmosis parasite gets to his brain, I'm afraid he may lose his

speech.

We'll do everything we can.

Mr. Carr, why do you keep meddling in my plans?

Oh? I've been trying to convince the boss to get rid of the baby.

I'm next in line to be president.

That baby cannot be bound.

And if you continue to interfere, I will make things very difficult for you.

Uh -oh.

We can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way.

Yes, is this the office of the president?

Yes, it is.

I've got a young man who's saying one of our predictive market bets is offensive

to Jews.

Oh, that sounds bad.

Yeah, it sounds pretty bad.

Well, the president isn't here, but I'm like a special advisor, so I could

probably get the bet taken down.

Oh, I'm a special advisor, too.

Oh, really? That's great. Can you email me the bet in question?

Yeah, I'm emailing it now.

Oh, yeah, I see it. Okay, I'll need to approve with the financial company

backing all the apps since the bet money needs to be returned.

Okay, thanks. I'll let all the Jews know.

What the hell?

They took it down.

We were all going to win, and they took down our bets.

How could the app company do that? I got in at 9 to 1 odds. This is bullshit.

These steps are totally corrupt.

Guy, for the love of God.

Well, Cartman, I just want to say thanks.

You know, it's crazy, but nobody else here gave a crap about how I was feeling

except for you.

Oh, that's all right, Cal.

I'm just happy the bet got taken down.

And now none of those sickos can profit off of what your mom does.

Yeah, well, those people would have all lost the bet anyway.

What do you mean they would have all lost the bet?

Well, I know the reason my mom went to Israel.

It wasn't to bomb a Palestinian hospital?

No. When my mom left the house, she said she was going to find the person

responsible for all this and give them a piece of her mind.

You are not going to talk to me like that! I am extremely upset and I am

I'm not leaving until I have said my piece.

There you are, Mr.

Netanyahu.

Just who do you think you are? Killing thousands and flattening neighborhoods.

Then wrapping yourself in Judaism like it's some seal from criticism.

You're making life for Jews miserable and life for American Jews impossible.

Oh, don't you roll your eyes at me, mister.

You know what you're doing and you're doing it on purpose.

Now you can just sit in that chair, because I'm not going anywhere, buster.

been to every PTA meeting, every school board meeting, and I can go all day.

Look who's got a new tattoo.

It says dumbass, dumbass.

It says dumbass twice.

Beavis and Butthead, new episode coming up next.