Original subtitles

[Laszlo laughs]

Extraordinary.

You will want to get this on camera. Ha!

Quickly. Gizmo!

Gizmo? Gizmo, get up.

- Yeah? Yeah? - Where's Nandor?

Um, I think he's, uh, indisposed

at the moment, um, in his bedroom.

Ha, shaking hands with Rosie Palmer and her five milkmaids.

- What? - What? Follow me.

[Guillermo] Laszlo's still the only one who knows

I'm half-vampire and he's been doing experiments to help.

Happy to report that there's been some progress.

My telekinesis has gotten better.

[grunts]

Pretty cool, huh?

I have discovered something wonderful with the frogs

- that I injected with your blood. - Wait,

you-you did what with my blood?

- [chuckles] - Why are they so hairy?

Well, why are you so hairy? Who cares?

- Now, bon voyage. - What? No!

Those poor frogs!

[croaking]

[Laszlo] Shit.

Come on, little guy,

- come on, you can do it. - Shh!

- Your turn. - To do what?

I want you

to leap off that balcony.

What?

No, I'll break my legs.

- Bullshit. You saw those frogs. - Yeah.

They were transformed by your blood, they flew.

Ipso facto, shithead...

so can you.

But what if I can't?

Yeah, but what if you can?

What if you can?

[chuckles softly]

- That would be pretty cool. - It would be

very cool. Now, I calculate

we have exactly two minutes before

Nandor finishes making pearl jam.

- Right. - So I'll see you at the bottom.

As the actress said to the bishop. [laughs]

Come on, Guillermo.

I believe in you and I love you, Guillermo.

Come on, Gizmo, let her rip.

Launch yourself forward, see what happens.

We should practice

- closer to the floor first. - [Laszlo] No.

No, no, no. You will never fly

unless you need to. Panic is

the secret ingredient. Now, come on.

[breathing shakily]

Aah...

- [gasps] - [chuckles]

I'm doing it! [laughs]

- [Nandor] Guillermo? - Yes, Master...

- [screaming] - [Laszlo laughing]

- That's how we all learned. - [Guillermo whimpering]

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

- [Nandor] Oh, shit. - [Guillermo whimpering]

What is this screaming? Is someone squeezing a snake?

Oh.

- Fucking hell. - [Nandor] What happened?

Well, I don't know. I was in the library. Don't look at me.

Does it hurt?

Because it looks like it really hurts.

- Hey, boners. - [Laszlo] What?

Nice shiner, Colin Robinson.

Hey, look at this dude.

[Nadja] Someone's had an interesting evening.

- Please help me. - [Colin] Wow.

What happened to dingus' foot?

[Laszlo] Who gives a fuck?

Tell us what happened to your blackened eye.

Yes, was it fisticuffs?

[gasps] Did you get kicked by a donkey?

Stop guessing and stop grabbing me.

This is the problem.

Take it easy, summer breezy.

[Colin] Every time I go to drain someone,

they see my black eye and want to know what happened.

All of a sudden, I'm too... G-damn interesting

to drain anyone.

- What the fuck? - [Nandor] Really?

You think you are too interesting?

I know I am. I mean,

this exact same thing happened when I came back from Vietnam.

[Nandor] Whoa.

You were in 'Nam?

[Laszlo] Well, thank you for your service.

Colin Robinson, I had no idea you were in the Army.

Oh, I-I wasn't in the Army.

About six years ago,

I took a cycling trip with Backroads.

- [groans] - On the third day, we found

a dead body. In a tree.

[Nandor] No kidding?

With an ox's asshole

around its neck like a necklace.

- What? - How did that happen?

Some poor farmer and his ox must've stepped

on a decommissioned land mine and...

blew him up into the tree and the ox's

asshole must've landed on his head.

- [Laszlo] Good grief. - Fascinating.

I wasn't expecting that ending.

[Colin] See? It's the black eye... makes

- my stories too interesting. - Do you think

that your black eye also has a very interesting story?

Unfortunately, yes, it's fucking remarkable.

[Laszlo] But this is Colin Robinson.

I mean, he can't have any more

fascinating stories in him.

Gee, you tell me. A five-pound frozen block

of shit and piss fall off a plane, landing

- on a 308 Ferrari - [Nadja] No way.

And blowing the sideview mirror right into my kisser.

Well, fuck my old boots.

Son of a bitch!

- Frozen blocks of pisses and shits? - [Colin] Yes.

- What will they think of next? - [Guillermo moaning]

Guillermo, oi...

No, fuck this, I want to stay here

and listen to his wonderful stories.

- Yes, me too. - Guillermo is your familiar.

I just went to get him new trousers a year ago.

It is your turn.

Fine. Fuck it. Whatever.

Okay, Guillermo, stop lying around.

Let's get that [speaks Greek] of yours looked at.

[Laszlo] Come on, boys, to the lab.

- Tell me more about this ox's anus. - [Guillermo] It really hurts.

Okay already, I said we're going.

Oh! Laszlo, my love,

did you just see a hairy frog?

The only hairy frog I'm interested in,

my darling, is the one between your legs.

It's not just a frog.

- It's the whole swamp. - True.

[laughs] Come on.

Off you go, my love.

[door opens, closes]

[whistles]

Where are you? Come on, boy. [whistles]

Come on, boy. Where the fuck are you,

you fucking frog?

Are either of you allergic to penicillin?

- No. - What is that?

Just ragweed

- and chewing gum. - Chewing gum?

How unusual.

- That is unusual. - Guys, guys.

You're literally killing me.

Right, let's crack on. When I flick this switch,

the lights will flash, there'll be a horrible noise

and a terrible odor

as I transfer the life energy from Nandor

into Colin Robinson.

Sorry, Laszlo, I do have one question.

- [Laszlo] Which is? - Will it hurt?

Pain like you've never known.

And furthermore, if you're overdrained, you could die.

Fuck this, I'm out.

- What? - W-Wait a minute.

I'm starving.

And you will be fed, Colin Robinson.

But I think we should revert to our original plan.

- The original plan? Are you mad? - [Nandor] I think it's a pretty good plan.

We cover your black eye with makeup

and make you boring again.

It does seem a lot simpler.

- Let's do that. - [Laszlo] All right.

- Cowards. - [Colin] Makes sense.

Turn your back on science at your own peril.

We'll take our chances.

- Thank you, Laszlo. - Yeah.

[Guillermo] [grunts] Seriously, Nadja,

I don't need urgent care. I can just sleep it off.

Do you really think I want to doing this?

If it was up to me, I would have just packed your ankle

in some mud made from fish piss

and fed you some pickled pig's ears.

But, no, my husband thinks a doctor is better.

[imitates Laszlo] "Trust the science, my darling."

- [spits] - [Guillermo] I don't know what's going on

with my body right now, but if a doctor finds out

that I'm almost a vampire, I'm a dead man.

And if Nadja finds out, it'll be worse, so...

- [shrieks] - Stop squirming, Guillermo,

we're very close now.

No, you know what? I feel a lot better.

The vampire doctor is going to fix your mangled foot.

What? You said we were going to urgent care.

Yes, Familiar Urgent Care, silly.

No. No, Nadja, no!

Oh, just look at all these people to feed from.

I don't know, I kind of feel like I want go home

- and take the train to sleepy town. - No!

It would be a sleep of death.

Just take a look at all these losers, hmm?

[Colin] Outdoor diners.

- They do deserve it. - [Nandor] Yes.

- Great start. - Uh, excuse me.

Hello.

I notice you have a d... Oh. Ooh.

- You got this. - [Colin] Doggie bag.

Interesting story about how the...

origin of the doggie bag started.

It was actually a... Ow!

- [man] Oh, shit! - [Colin] Son of a bitch!

World War II, they would

- take food home for their dog - [woman] Did you see that?

- Instead of wasting it. - [people chattering]

Don't look at me!

This isn't interesting.

What have you done?

Someone ran over my foot, shithead. It hurt.

Tell them to go away.

Nothing interesting here. Keep moving, please.

Stop filming me!

- Are you okay? - No, I'm not okay.

Shoo! He needs privacy.

- It is fine. - [Colin] Nandor, take me home.

I'm taking you home. We're gonna go home.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

- No! - [man] What the fuck?

That's the dude from Mad Men.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

[man 2] Oh, where's your martini, bud?

- Hi. - [Colin] You got to be kidding me.

[man 2] Damn, you just got hit by John Slattery.

- That is crazy. - What the heck happened?

You stepped off the curb without even looking.

What happened is you ran over my foot!

We really need to go. My friend is not well.

Let me drive you to the hospital. I-I just

played a-a doctor on a season of The Good Fight.

They love me over there.

That was a really good episode.

It doesn't even really hurt that much

- anymore. - Well, I'll-I'll drive you home, please?

- It's the least I can do. - You know what?

We will accept your generous offer.

- Yes, yes. - What the fuck are you doing?

[man] Hey, John, over here.

We will be in that car alone

with this gentleman that owes you a debt.

Which you will collect

by feeding.

- Hmm? - Yeah.

John Slattery coming to the aid of the guy he just ran over.

- Shotgun left. - Fuck!

- John Slattery, please. - [man] You're a hero, John.

- [man 2] One of the greats. - [Colin] He's not one of the greats.

- He's a reckless driver. - [man] You're a reckless

- walker. - Peasants, disperse!

- Begone! - [man] He call us peasants?

- [crowd groans] - [man] Oh, rude.

[Guillermo] Animal hospital? Why are we-why are we going here?

Ow! [grunting]

[whispering] This is for pets. I'm not a dog.

Shh! Potato, "potahto."

[normal volume] Um, yes, hello, um, I've got a broken familiar.

So, you're gonna want to go around that corner...

Yeah, I've been here before.

There is nothing to see here.

It is just a Doberman with a floppy tail.

- Hold on tight. - Wait, where are we going?

- Uh, through the wall. - No, no stop!

- That's a solid wall. - No, it's not.

No. No! No! [gasping] Okay.

- That was kind of cool. - It's just a common cold,

so there's gonna be sneezing

and coughing and that is gonna be a burden on you,

so I have a recommendation. And that is put her down.

- Oh, gosh, you really think so? - [doctor] Even if she recovers

from this cold, she's...

good God, she's, like, almost 40.

She might squeeze out a few more good years,

but we're talking quality of life.

Okay, let's do it.

No, fuck this. I'm out of here.

Oh, calm, down, it'll be okay.

No!

[Nadja] Got a live one. [laughs]

- Thanks, guys. - [doctor] Sedate him, Jack.

No.

- [Nadja] Fantastic. - [doctor] That's it.

[Nadja] Aw.

Sweet dreams, Guillermo.

- [laughs] - [doctor] Yeah, perfect.

[John] You, uh, you okay back there?

You look like shit.

Well, yeah, I mean, you ran over my foot.

Sorry about all the cell phone pictures and stuff.

You know, you would that people in New York

would have seen a famous actor before.

It is quite all right, John Slattery.

You have our gratitude.

[whispers] Drain him.

[normal volume] Do you find it, uh, difficult?

What?

Do you find it difficult

being an older actor?

Having to memorize lines?

Especially when you've been drinking.

Slattery... that's an Irish name, right?

Wait, s-say that last part again.

What, "Slattery's an Irish name"?

I mean, I personally don't mind the Irish.

But I just don't like it when they try to sound intelligent.

Huh, wow.

I could listen to you talk for hours.

- Exsqueeze me? - I mean,

not to what you're saying, but to that accent.

It's just so specific. Where are you from?

- Well... - Wait, wait, wait, don't tell me.

Upper Midwest.

For sure. Uh, Wisconsin?

But not eastern Wisconsin, that would have more of

a Germanic influence to it, am I right?

Are you, like, prepping for a role or something?

No, this isn't for a role. I just love accents.

People are just walking stories, you know?

In all their fascination and specificity.

You ever see the movie Spotlight?

About the Boston Globe reporters

who uncovered the sexual abuse coverup in the Catholic church?

- Yeah, exactly. - No.

Oh. Well, in that I played Ben Bradlee, Jr.

And that character begins with the accent,

because the real Bradlee is from Boston.

But he's an upper-crust guy.

[Boston accent] Not like some jamoke standing

around Kelly's Tavern

in, uh, Revere Beach, you know what I mean?

- Very good, John Slattery. - [regular accent] Not bad, right?

- But I was talking to him. - Oh.

[John] You know, it's funny, I had this babysitter when I was a kid.

She was Irish. Her name was Vivian.

But again, sorry for your loss.

She was just a familiar, but thank you.

It is kind of nice to think of Cathy

on that rainbow bridge,

doing stuff with her familiar friends.

Having spaghetti or whatever it is they dream of doing.

Well, they're in a better place now.

- Yes. - [mutters] I wish I was.

- I'm looking for a Nadja. - [normal volume] Oh, yes.

- Please, can we go? - Well,

Guillermo's ankle is healing up nicely,

which is very unusual, so...

just to be safe... I say we put him down.

He could break that ankle again,

he could break the other ankle or

- he could just bitch a lot. - Hmm.

Think we're just gonna take him home.

All right. Well, that is your choice.

- Yes. - Oh, there's one more thing.

The results of that blood work came back and they're very odd,

so I'm just gonna have it retested, will not take long.

I promise I'm gonna get you out of here well before sunrise.

[woman screaming in distance]

[Nadja] Now I'm thinking,

"They're going to test him again?"

What if they find that Van Helsing muck

in his blood? [spits]

I'm going to have to get him out of here.

[Colin] Why are we heading towards

the Verrazzano Bridge?

Uh, are you-are you taking us to Brooklyn?

[imitating Colin] Are you taking us to Brooklyn? Are you...

[regular voice] That... It's really... That's a tough one. It's got kind

of a twang to it. Say something else.

I don't want to go to Brooklyn.

[John imitates Colin] I don't want to go to Brooklyn?

[regular voice] There's a little bit of an uptalk there.

[imitates Colin] I don't want to go to Brooklyn?

- Can you let us out right h... - [imitating Colin] Can you

let us out right here, please?

[regular voice] You also have these interesting

pauses in your speech, but

I can't tell if they're regional or uniquely you or...

It's just the most interesting accent

- I've ever heard. - Okay, fuck this.

[John] I mean, where are you from? I'm sorry, guys. That's kind of

mean, right? I'm not trying to make fun of you,

I'm just trying to get it in my head, you know,

it's all about muscle memory.

Guillermo?

Guillermo!

Guillermo, why the hell are you wearing a dress?

Hey, Nandor, you made it. Hey, girl.

Get your shit together, we got to go.

No, I want to lie down. You know they gave me

some relax and it's making me feel very medicine.

[speaks Greek] They are testing your blood

and they're going to find your Van Helsing germs

and whatever else you've got going on in there and then

- they're going to kill you, so let's go! - That sounds serious.

Can I say something?

- Nadja? - What?

I think you're wonderful and I love... Ow!

You're a crazy bitch. But I love you.

You know who else I love is Laszlo.

But he's a horny little bitch.

I also love Colin Robinson.

He's, like, a little boring bitch.

Like, he's like an LBB.

But, you know, the one I love the most is actually Nandor.

- Because he's, like, the queen bitch. - [tapping on glass]

- [Nadja exclaims] - Is that crazy?

Hey. Who's that bitch?

Wow, you are such a miracle worker.

He is back to a red, shiny,

fresh apple, so, think we're gonna get

- the ol' dog home now. [chuckles] - Yeah.

I don't think that's gonna happen.

I have a question for you.

Who turned him?

Who what?

According to his blood,

this familiar has been turned into a vampire.

Yes, it's early stages, but he is well on his way.

No, I'm sorry, there's been a huge mistake.

Are you regretting turning him? Because if you are,

you should have thought of that before you did it.

- Guillermo? - Yeah.

- A vampire? - Yes.

That thing?

That loser is a vampire?

Absolutely not.

Have you seen how lame he is?

Science does not lie.

Now, it must be recent

because he's still transforming.

No one in our house would do such a thing.

Well, then we have a very big problem, 'cause

I'm gonna put him down.

Well, you can't do that because...

He is our familiar!

- You need to let him go. - Get your hands off of me!

[exhales]

Guillermo? Guillermo?

Guillermo! Guillermo!

Guillermo! Guillermo, snap out of it.

They think you are a bastard vampire

And they're going to kill you.

- Guillermo? - [doctor] Come on, girl.

Get out!

Guillermo.

Guillermo? Hello?

Sorry. [chuckles] Guillermo?

Guillermo?

Nadja, hi.

What? You work here?

Volunteer, actually.

It's a way of giving back.

I mean, who rescued who, right?

- Have you seen Guillermo? - Guillermo?

Oh, no, no, not here.

This place is just for strays.

- I have a family. - Hey! Eat your chicken!

- [whispers] He's not gonna make it. - I can hear you.

Guillermo! Open!

Guillermo.

[Colin] Uh, I don't... think I can make it.

[Nandor] Of course you're gonna make it. I know this is difficult,

but you've got to be strong, okay?

I want you to go in here and ask to use the toilet.

Then I want you to ask for a sanitary wipe.

Then I want you to ask

when the last time they cleaned the toilet.

Then I want you to tell them

you're gonna take a nice big shit, okay?

It's gonna buy you a few more hours of energy.

- Whoa! Get the fuck out! - [Colin] Oh, fuck.

- May I use your toilet? - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Yo!

It's my guy from TikTok.

What?

Whoa! Nobody fucking move.

♪ Jump around... ♪

[Nandor] Colin Robinson, that's you.

- [Colin] Oh, for crying out loud. - Yeah.

[Nandor] How did they make this so quick? And the music?

Aah!

[Nandor] Nice shot.

Thank you so much! You saved my store!

- He did? - How clean's your toi...

- It's... - No!

Colin Robinson!

- Guillermo! - You can't be back here.

Move!

- Fuck off! - [screams]

- Guillermo! - Hey, girl.

Get off him! Get away!

- He's mine! - [grunting]

[screaming]

Get off him! Get off!

Shoo! Scram!

[whimpering]

Now, what the fuck, man?

This doctor tells me you're almost a vampire?

Oops, I have a little secret.

- Focus, Guillermo. The truth now. - [groans]

Fine! Okay?

I took my fate into my own destiny and I had Derek do it.

- [gasps] - I paid him to do it.

He turned me into a vampire!

Derek?

You could have been turned by a legendary vampire,

and you gave it away to Derek?

Nandor is going to rip your face into a new asshole.

Well, it doesn't matter, does, it, 'cause these guys

- are gonna kill me anyways. - Oh shut up, you dumb dick.

I'm not gonna let them kill you. That is Nandor's privilege.

- Now, come on, let's go. - [door opens]

I told you, we need to put him down.

That's not going to happen.

He is coming with me,

and his master will decide how to kill him.

If we release an abomination like that onto the street,

I'm gonna lose my medical license.

[snarling]

[Guillermo] Nadja! Watch out.

- [groaning] - [grunting]

[Nadja] Help me, you load.

- Oh, whoa. - [gasps] Good one, Guillermo!

- Ow. - Yes!

Nice one.

- Ha! - Watch out!

[grunting]

[hisses]

[grunting]

[Guillermo] Don't touch her!

No!

[grunting]

[Nadja] You're just a glorified vet.

[grunts] Guillermo!

Nadja!

[grunting]

Get away from her, you bitch!

Oh! [groans, grunts]

[exhales] [slurring] Thank you, Girerro.

Oh. I think I might've got a little bit of poison in my face.

Do I look okay?

- Yeah. You look... you look fine. - Good.

Now go and find your clothes and I'll...

[speaking unintelligibly]

Let's go.

Laszlo! Laszlo!

- What is it, man? - Help!

Quick, to the laboratory.

- Laszlo, hurry. Please hurry. - All right.

Now, brace yourself, fellas.

Turning the machine

- on. - [groaning]

[coughing]

Is it working? Do you feel good?

[coughing]

It hurt at first, but now I kind of like it.

- Yeah. - [groaning softly]

What exactly is the purpose of this machine?

It's just a simple energy transference device.

I originally built it to combat situational impotence,

or whiskey dick, as you might call it.

Oh, that makes sense, 'cause I'm getting a little

tickle in my pickle.

Well, that's an accident, 'cause I removed that aspect.

- Must be the vibrations. - Could be.

Or could be the smell.

I really like the smell of burning hair.

What about you, Nandor?

How are you finding it?

Oh, fuck.

- [machine buzzing] - Shit. Turning the machine off.

[machine powers down]

Reverse the process, Laszlo.

Well, I can't. It's too late, isn't it?

- Look at him. Shit. - [Nadja] [in distance] Laszlo!

- Get fucking downstairs! - Shit.

Go ahead. I'll reenergize Nandor myself.

- How? - [Nadja] Laszlo!

Well, if I can drain the energy from people,

I sure as hell can put it back in them.

- Just go. Trust me. - [Nadja] Get downstairs!

- Coming, my darling. - [Nadja] Don't you "darling" me.

[Laszlo] Would I be wrong in sensing some...

- [singsongy] Nandor? Hello. - [Nadja shouting in distance]

It's your boy, Colin Robinson.

But I'm going to tell you my real name. It's...

Arthur...

Simon...

Santino.

But I-I had to change it

because people would laugh when they realized

that the initials spelled out "ass."

[gasps]

[weakly] Ass.

Do you know who it was that pointed that out to me?

[weakly] No.

It was my ex-boyfriend,

- Davy Crockett. - [exhales]

At the Alamo.

- Really? - Yeah.

If-if you don't believe me,

maybe this knife that Jim Bowie gave me will convince you.

[Nandor] Ass.

[Laszlo] My darling, you need to calm down.

I mean, what the hell?

- [shushing] - We have a little two-faced bitch,

lying-behind-the-back

vampire in the house and my husband doesn't think

- I need to know about it? - Cool it,

my darling. I'm just trying to find a cure.

All right? Now,

if I can stop the transformation,

maybe Nandor can turn Gizmo.

You are a worthless

- piece of big, wet skatá, Guillermo. - Yeah.

When Nandor finds out, he's going to kill you.

And then he's going to kill all of us.

- Mm. - And then he's going to kill himself.

- Then don't tell him. - I'm not going

to lie to my housemate to cover up

- your treachery. [spits] - [Guillermo] Just give me

a chance to make this up. When I did this, I didn't...

Finally. Well, well, well.

You've been gone all night.

What, you can't even call?

Sorry.

They tried to put me down.

What? Why?

What did the doctor say?

[Laszlo] Uh, uh, uh...

[sighs]

Yes?

Guillermo is fine.

Just your average weak-boned,

- broken-foot familiar. - [Nandor groans]

I guess someone won't be cutting a rug anytime soon.

[Nandor] Wait.

Don't move.

[shuddering softly]

- [grunts] - [croaking softly]

What...

the hell...

is this?

Hmm?

Frog?

[Nandor] Really? A frog?

A frog that flies and has hair

and looks kind of like you?

Guillermo, do you think I am an idiot?

[whispers] Say no.

[normal volume] No.

[Nandor] That's right.

Because this is

precisely what happens

when a little birdy sneaks into this house,

fucks a mouse, they have a child that grows up

that then fucks a frog that looks like you.

[sighs] This is a direct result of your slacking.

We are not running a fucking circus here.

- [croaking softly] - Yeesh.

Give him to me.

You may have fooled him,

'cause he has the IQ of a Russian toilet,

but I know you're up to something, aren't you,

you little sneaky Pete?

Okay, Colin,

- if I tell you something... - [Colin] Psych.

I couldn't give two squirts.

♪ It's in the blood, man ♪

♪ It's in the blood ♪

♪ It's in the blood, man ♪

♪ It's in the blood... ♪

[frog] Gui...

- ller... mo. - Surely not.

Gui...

ller... mo.

- [croaks] - [laughs]

Yeah.

Carry on.

♪ It's in the blood, man ♪

♪ It's in the blood, man ♪

♪ It's in the blood, man ♪

♪ Get it or not ♪

♪ It's in the blood, man ♪

♪ It's in the blood, man ♪

♪ It's in the blood, man ♪

♪ Tell him or not ♪

- ♪ It's in the blood, man ♪ - ♪ If you catch the cure ♪

- ♪ It's in the blood, man ♪ - ♪ If you catch the cure... ♪

- ♪ It's in the blood, man ♪ - ♪ You can tell without knowing ♪

- ♪ It's in the blood, man ♪ - ♪ If you catch the cure ♪

- ♪ It's in the blood, man ♪ - ♪ If you catch the cure... ♪

♪ It's in the blood, man. ♪