Original subtitles

[newsman] Good evening, New Yorkers,

and welcome to Channel 8 News, Live at 7:00.

-I'm Ted Spinelli. -And I'm Lisa Lipton.

A big day in news across the city,

but we begin in Staten Island,

where a water main break in the West New Brighton neighborhood

left the streets looking more like rivers.

Joanna Roscoe is live from Staten Island now.

That's right, Lisa.

This was the scene just hours ago

on what is usually considered a quiet residential street.

Now, as you can see behind me,

city workers have managed to stop

the street-level flooding,

but underground flooding still remains a concern.

Oh, boy. That means a messy commute home

for a few Staten Islanders, right, Joanna?

Yeah, it sure does.

Now I am here with a local resident

who has been watching the situation closely.

His name is Nandor...

Nandor the Relentless.

Nandor De Laurentis.

Now, Nandor, you live in this neighborhood, correct?

Yes, that's right, Joanna, I do.

In that house just over there.

With my friends. It's fun.

Great.

And as I understand, you were on the street

when the water main broke. Can you tell us about that?

[Nandor] Yes, I can, Joanna.

I was going for my evening stroll,

which I do for my mental health

as well as for my physical health,

and then, all of a sudden, crash!

Burst!

Water, it shoots

into the air, and then, like,

all over the street.

[Joanna] Now, Nandor, have you seen an incident

in this area like this before?

Not since the great flood in 1892, Joanna.

That was a big boy.

[chuckles] 1892.

Oh, silly me. Not... not 1892.

-[laughs] -1992.

Yeah, I was gonna say, uh, 1892?

Give me this guy's skin care secrets.

Because 1892 was a year that was not

in my, uh, human lifespan,

but 1992 most definitely was.

It's 2023 now...

-Right. -...and it was 1992 then.

And I have been living in Staten Island

for many centuries.

Many centuries.

Well, it looks like we have discovered

the secret to eternal life.

-Now, I do have a... -[whimpers, mutters]

Well, Ted and Lisa, I will be here,

on the ground, monitoring the situation

as it develops. Back to you.

Oh, shitty shit. I fucked it.

["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪

[Nandor] Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

-[Laszlo] From the diaphragm. -[Doll Nadja vocalizing]

[Nandor] Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Guillermo!

Gizmo is not here.

Colin Robinson, turn on the television.

Channel 8.

Your arms broken?

-Please! -[groans]

All right.

[man] This is go...

[Joanna] But there is some worry that...

-Huh. -[Nandor groans]

That's our street. Huh. Well, that's neat.

That is not neat.

I may have committed

an unforgivable and irreversible blunder.

Okay, Nandor, don't get your knickers in a twist.

I-I accidentally told this Joanna Roscoe

that we have lived in this street for many centuries.

-[gasps] -You did what?

And now she and all of the viewers

of Channel 8 News Live at 7:00

know that we are vampires.

-[shouting] -And now--

And now all of the humans are going to

drive us out of Staten Island

like they drove us out of the Old Country.

[Laszlo] Alea iacta est.

-Game over. -[plays piano sting]

No, no!

This time, we fight!

This is our last stand!

-Who's with me? -Me!

Silence!

I have a plan.

I think we should kill Joanna Roscoe.

And what would that solve?

Do you have any better ideas?

Where is Guillermo?!

[dings]

So, yeah, tonight's kind of a farewell,

goodbye dinner for me and my mom.

She doesn't know that it's a goodbye,

but when I become a full vampire,

it won't be safe for my family,

or for me because

they are vampire killers,

and I'll be a vampire.

[sighs] It's kind of heavy, actually,

if you think about it.

No one imagines they'll have to say

a final goodbye to their mom, but...

here we are.

-Mami. -[speaking Spanish]

Oh. Oh, everyone's here. I thought it was just going

-to be you and me. -Hi.

Oh, Tía. Wow, you're also here.

[speaking Spanish]

You hungry? You hungry?

Hey, Memo.

These guys are still doing that documentary

on losers who work at the railroad, huh?

-All right. -Ah, I'm just playing.

-Okay. -Hey, we're putting my tía's

-gifts right there. -Hmm?

The gifts.

Wait, you didn't bring a gift for your own mama's birthday?

[Guillermo] So, funny thing.

In the middle of, uh,

making it a big day about me,

I totally forgot that it's a big day for her.

It's her birthday,

but birthday or no, I need to do this.

Mami, Mami.

[speaks Spanish]

Can I talk to you in private, please?

[speaks Spanish]

[Joanna] ...local resident Nandor, who has some insights.

[Guillermo speaking Spanish]

[exclaims in Spanish]

[Joanna] ...part of a pattern of local infrastructure failures?

Yes, Joanna. If I may...

To the millions and millions of viewers

of Channel 8 News Live at 7:00,

you will forget...

[Ted] Apologies to Joanna and Mr. De Laurentis,

but we have some breaking news.

The National Weather Service has announced

a severe thunderstorm warning for the city.

We now go to meteorologist Heather Dupont...

[shouting in Spanish]

[speaking Spanish]

[whispers] I leave the house for one fucking minute...

[Miguel] Memo!

[speaking Spanish]

[Guillermo sings in Spanish]

[group laughing]

[speaking Spanish]

It's not a big deal, as long as they just...

answer the fucking phone.

-[phone ringing] -[Laszlo] Fucking hell.

-[shouting] -Damn!

-Look out, look out! -[Nadja whimpering]

-[Laszlo] Oh, fuck this. Ah! -[ringing]

-Should I answer that? -[Laszlo] Announcement.

After methodical analysis, I have decided

that it is not a good idea

to kill Joanna Roscoe.

No shit, you human fart.

Now, help me booby-trap the staircase.

Maybe I should just take it off the hook?

[Guillermo] Hello?

[line beeping]

Colin Robinson, now is not the time for decorating.

Get your fucking go-bag.

Vampires must always

be prepared to skip out of town

at a moment's notice.

I have been chased out of five, maybe six

villages over the course of my vampiric life,

and believe me, you don't want to be

caught out there fleeing with only the clothes on your back,

sleeping at the bottom of a cold well,

sucking on the throats of the mountain goats

you once called your brothers.

No. So, what was the first thing I did

when I moved to Staten Island?

I made the go-bags.

[Laszlo] I have decided on a multi-part plan.

The first part of which:

Kidnap Joanna Roscoe.

And how is that going to help?

Takes us to step two.

-[bees buzzing] -[Nadja groans] Everybody,

in your go-bags you will find

your emergency fleeing checklist.

Okay.

"Ancestral soils."

Check.

"Three days' supply of blood."

Eh... Oof.

A little bit rank, but check.

"Memorize new identity." [clears throat]

[American accent] "Oh, hello.

"My name is Sally Rhubarb.

"I am a blonde girl from a large farm,

and my blackberry pie wins every year at the county fair."

-Don't sit there. -Why not?

Because.

-[gasps] -The whole ground floor is booby-trapped

for our final stand.

Oh, yes, because the attackers first thing they will do

is come down and take a nice rest.

I think you're all wasting valuable time.

-Thank you. -What you need to do

is get a kidnapping sack.

No, you need to get your go-bag.

And you need to trust the plan.

-Get your go-bag. -Trust the plan.

-Get your go-bag. -Trust...

Hey, you two may want to have your argument

away from the chandelier fall zone.

-Also, mind the trip wire. -[Laszlo] Fucking hell.

[pounding on door]

-Places, places! -It's all right. It's all right, my darling.

-I'll protect you. -[pounding]

-This is it. This is our final stand. -Be calm.

Would you stop fucking saying that, Colin Robinson?

[Laszlo] Step back, my darling.

-[door crashes] -Friends, fear not.

I went back to Channel 8 News Live at 7:00

and hypnotized the audience, so...

We saw.

And no, you did not hypnotize anyone, Nandor.

Those television humans

interrupted your blather with a warning of a storm.

This is all Guillermo's fault!

-He's not back yet, is he? -[Laszlo] No.

Also, why is your hair yellow, Nadja?

-I am not Nadja. -Oh.

I am Sally Rhubarb.

There is only one way out of this:

We must kill Joanna Roscoe.

[Laszlo] Which were my thoughts exactly,

but if you follow "Arrow F,"

you'll find a far more sophisticated plan.

"Kidnap Joanna Roscoe"?

Which is step one of the plan.

-And then what? -Step two.

Welcome back to Channel 8 News, Live at 7:00.

We'll check in with Joanna Roscoe, but first...

[Miguel] And then I saw that diesel was as cheap as gas.

So I took it back to the rent-a-car spot

and say, "Hey, homie, how am I supposed to know

-Corollas don't take diesel?" -[line beeping]

Guillermo?

-Are you okay? -[Miguel] You know what?

He doesn't listen, all right? Don't even bother.

-I'm listening. -[speaks Spanish]

That's what it is. The screens.

You need to cut that shit off, cold turkey.

Just like I did with the Sierra Mist, huh, Ma?

Guillermo, you're working too much. It's not healthy.

[Miguel] You need to be healthy like I am.

No Sierra Mist,

no whack bosses. I told my last boss,

"Hey, jefe, you want to try to ruin my life like that?

Boom. Toma."

[speaks Spanish]

But, you know, you're probably too scared

-to do that. -I'm not scared, Miguel.

I'm not scared. I recently made a big move.

My old boss kept promising me a promotion,

and I got tired of waiting.

-[woman] Wow. -[cheering]

Yeah, yeah.

So I'm here.

[woman speaking Spanish]

-Are you here, though? -Yeah, I'm here.

Why are you still all on your phone, then?

Because, it's the transition. I haven't...

officially left the old railroad,

and, uh, haven't officially started

-the new one. -How many railroads even are there?

Let's just eat, huh? Why don't we all just eat?

[Guide] I do not have a name in the traditional sense.

[Joanna] And you said that you work for the city...

[speaking Spanish]

Right, Joanna Roscoe.

There will be damage.

Bloodshed, too.

This is why I propose a truce.

Because we are not so different, you and us.

We all want peace.

-[Sean] Yello? -Hey, Sean,

this is Guillermo from next door.

Yo, Guillermo. How's it goin'? What can I do for you?

Yeah, I was wondering if you could do me a favor.

If you can go next door and tell the vam...

Uh, Laszlo and Nadja and everyone at the house

if they could just, can they stay

inside the house and just stay put

until I get there? Could you do that for me, please?

[Sean] That's gonna be a little tricky.

There's been a water main break on our street,

[shouting] and these TV fuckers parked their van

-right on the front lawn... -And someone else is here.

-...which I just resodded last year. -Sean? What are you doing?

The territory of Staten Island

can, nay, must be shared between our people...

Looks like there's a lot of excitement over there.

Speaking of excitement,

you'll never guess what this Bronx seventh grader is doing

to raise money for the rainforest.

[woman speaking Spanish]

[Laszlo] A nine-step plan!

-Make sure it's bloody straight, you idiot. -Yes.

Reason and diplomacy did not work,

as you all saw.

So let us do it. Let us flee.

-Us? -Yes.

And if they won't go,

then it will be just you and I, into the night.

Um, okay. C-Cool.

I shall go prepare my disguise.

-[line beeping] -[laughter, chatter]

So, bad news.

There's been an emergency with, uh, a train.

So I'm gonna have to head out.

[speaks Spanish] I called it, didn't I?

Mami? Mami, can we just have that talk really quick,

-the one I was telling you about? -[speaks Spanish]

Gracias. Por favor.

[Laszlo] Hello?

-Laszlo? Laszlo. -Who is this?

Sorry, Mom. Por favor.

What do you mean, "who is it"? It's Guillermo.

Oh, Gizmo. What do you want?

What the hell's going on over there?

[Laszlo] Can't talk right now.

To cut a shit story short,

-we've been found out. -Huh?

The whole world knows

that vampires are real and that we are they.

Okay, Laszlo, just do me a favor.

Just stay put, okay? I'll be over soon.

Don't you tell me what to do.

-[Nandor] Laszlo? -I have con...

[Guillermo] Laszlo?

-That's too small, you prick. -Who's there with you?

-You think? -Just stay put, okay?

We have to get Joanna Roscoe's entire body in there.

-No. What are you... -[Laszlo] We need to get a grown woman in there.

What are you... What are you doing?

I think this bag is big enough.

-All right, well, get in it. -Laszlo?

-Okay. -What's going on? Laszlo?

-Oy vey. Too small. -Too fucking small.

-If we are to kidnap Joanna Roscoe, -No!

-we need a sack large enough for her entire body. -Beep, beep.

Now, don't phone here again. We are incredibly busy.

-Do not kidnap... -We don't need to be distracted.

Gizmo? Huh.

Blasted boy, hung up on me.

Fucking hell, Nandor. Get a bigger sack.

Laszlo?

-I found one! -No, Nandor.

This is a very big bag.

I tried it already. I fit.

It's translucent.

We could add a blindfold?

Yes, but it would add time.

Is anybody listening to me?

You need to get your go-bags!

-Mami? -Mm-hmm?

No.

No...

[sizzling]

[speaking Spanish]

[sizzling]

[elevator dings]

[sniffling]

[elevator dings]

How's it going?

It was like this when I got here.

[Nadja] So, this is it, then? This is really goodbye,

my agápi mou.

I'm afraid so, my mátia mou.

I must see my plan through.

It has many steps.

-[Guide] Ready! -Oh!

Oh.

So, when the villagers who are chasing us

say they are looking for a blonde and a brunette...

Well, I guess I didn't really think it through.

Housemates.

Friends.

The Guide.

A great enemy is upon us.

Joanna Roscoe and her army of Channel 8 viewers.

This is not the first foe we have met,

nor will it be the last.

They may outnumber us,

they may have a satellite truck

and a Sky High chopper, whatever the fuck,

but what do we have?

-Kidnapping sack. -Go-bags! -The skull of Orson Welles.

Each other.

-Oh. -Oh.

Look at us, running around, this way and that,

focusing on our own plans.

We all have a part to play in this,

and play it we must,

-but together. -Hear, hear.

-Thank you, Laszlo. -Now, get the fuck on with it

Yes, this is all your fault, you know.

For this shithole on Staten Island is our home,

and 30 years from now,

when you, Nadja,

are sat there by that fireplace

and you have a little ghost dolly on your knee,

and she looks up at you, and she says,

"What did you do during the great vampire battle?"

Maybe you won't need to say to her,

"Me, dolly? I was shoveling shit in Louisiana."

-I would never do that. -[door opens]

Okay, you guys, I'm back.

No need to worry 'cause I have a plan...

[shouts]

-[Nandor] Whoa. -[Laszlo] Shit!

[Nadja] For crying out loud.

[chuckles]

[groans]

[Nandor] We are fine, Guillermo.

In fact, we are better than fine. We are great.

We have our own plan.

Okay, I'm just trying to help cal--

Nadja, when did you go blonde?

I mean, you look really--

I don't have time to tell you

everything that you've missed, traitor.

Look, I know I haven't been around, but--

It's fine. I get it.

You have your life and we have ours.

And if tonight has taught us nothing else,

then it has taught us this:

We can survive quite easily without you.

Well, okay, then.

Wait, what?

You seem to have everything under control,

so good luck.

I wouldn't go that way if I were you.

-Why not? -Ever hear of a Bouncing Betty?

A schrapnellmine in the authentic German?

[Heather] Our latest model is now showing that those mild showers

won't be hitting the five boroughs

until 4:00 a.m. at the earliest.

[Lisa] All right, that's great news. Still time

to pull in that lawn furniture.

[Ted] And speaking of unexpected waters,

Joanna Roscoe is back

with an update for us

on that Staten Island water main break.

What's it looking like, Joanna?

Hi, Ted. I am happy to report

that this story finally has

a happy ending.

The water main has been sealed,

and the underground leaks have been brought

under control.

Now there is a small sinkhole,

but the area has been cordoned off

to prevent it from widening any further

until we can get a street crew out here

to fill it in the morning, but, hey,

at the risk of sounding overly optimistic,

it looks like residents are on their way

to having their street back any moment now. I...

[Nandor] Wait. Wait!

Kevin, you got this?

Looks like this story is not quite over yet.

A very odd and dangerous new development happening here.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa-- -Shit!

[Nadja] Fucking idiots!

[Joanna] An antique car has rolled into

the sinkhole, and a group of locals

are now working together to retrieve it.

[Laszlo] Initiate diversion, Colin Robinson.

Initiate diversion.

[Joanna] All right, there's a guy, and, uh,

he doesn't work for us.

Okay, and he's throwing fire in the van. Kev?

[Joanna] Oh! Holy fuck.

[flat tone]

Nope, not my problem.

[Lisa] All right, uh, apologies to our viewers,

but it appears we have lost our Staten Island feed.

[Ted] We are working to contact our team

to make sure everything is okay.

Whoa.

[laughs]

[Kevin] We lost the feed. We lost it.

Are you getting this? Are you filming?

[Kevin] Satellite's not transmitting to studio,

-but I'm recording on the card. -Get it on the memory card.

Do not stop.

[screams]

What is going on? Are they flying?!

Oh, oh!

Okay, call the station and tell them that

-we're coming in with the footage. -Okay.

-Excuse me. -[all] What?

I think Joanna caught us flying on tape. FYI.

We need to follow that tape

and steal that tape and destroy that tape.

[Laszlo] Absolutely, continue with the second part of the plan.

This sounds like a slightly different plan.

No, it's the same plan. Bat!

[bats squeaking]

Assholes!

Apologies for the technical difficulties, folks,

but I hear we have some truly inexplicable footage

from Joanna en route.

-[objects clattering] -[shouting]

[Colin] Hand it over, camera jockey.

[Laszlo] Show yourself, Joanna Roscoe.

[Colin] I got Joanna's camera!

Ladies and gentlemen, one moment.

Bit of confusion here in studio.

[Ted] I'll say. Who are you people?

What are you doing in here? This is a closed set...

[Nandor] You will fall asleep and forget everything

that has happened here tonight.

And then fall off your chair.

What about all the people

who just saw Lisa Lipton

and Ted Spinelli get hypnotized?

[Nadja] We go on and hypnotize them, too?

[Nandor] Yes, good idea.

[quivering voice] To all of the viewers of the Channel 8 News,

you will remember nothing

out of the ordinary tonight.

[Nandor] That is all ye know,

and all ye need to know.

Actually, pretty solid solution.

Should we just leave now?

No, that will look very suspicious

to the humans that have just tuned in.

Just read the words on the screen.

Uh...

Hip-hip pup-rade.

Indeed. It is time again

for Staten Island's annual puppy parade.

Which is always a barking good time.

Here's hoping we have some nice weather

for these promenading pooches.

And now, let's turn it over to...

Colin Robinson with the weather.

Seems like a wet one out there tonight,

right, Colin Robinson?

Not as wet

as it could have been, Nadja,

but still, no fun for anyone

who forgot their umbrella at home.

Let's take a look at

the News 8 WeatherWall

with high Doppler action.

And this patch right here,

um... well, that's

a little schmutz there on the old WeatherWall

with high Doppler action.

But this patch up here, this is a bit of good news.

New Yorkers, you can rest easy tonight

and enjoy a little sunshine this weekend.

Perfect weather for a puppy parade.

Our four-legged friends will certainly be happy to hear that.

And now we turn to...

Laszlo Cravensworth,

who better be telling me my New York football Giants

are raring to go for Sunday's game against the Cowboys.

Thanks, Nandor.

From your lips to Coach Daboll's ears.

Big Blue is having a big season,

but the Cowboys are on a roll themselves.

So let's just say that for either team,

the road to a W is going to be paved

with blood, sweat and tears.

Here's my lovely wife Nadja.

Thank you, my love.

Well, that is it for us tonight, New York.

And from everyone at Channel 8 News:

-Goodbye. -Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Bye, then.

[Laszlo] That's it, try and look normal.

Well, good.

I don't want anything bad to happen to them, so...

I guess I always imagined the hardest part

of being a vampire was keeping your identity a secret,

but I guess the hardest part is...

[sighs] who you leave behind.

You know?

The goodbyes.

[yells]

["Ride of the Valkyries" by Richard Wagner plays]

[yells]

[gasps]

Whoa!

What the fuck is going on?!