Original subtitles

Colin Robinson for Staten Island Comptroller headquarters.

Sean had to bow out of the race.

Apparently, in Staten Island,

there's a rule that a candidate can't have more than nine DUIs.

Most Staten Island office holders only have two or three.

Oh, hi, Barbara.

He needed someone

to take his place, and my record

is absolutely, completely clean.

Yo. Robby Robinson, get over here.

You're on the tube. Quick.

With all due respect, my new opponent

seems like a nice man, but he has

no government experience. He was working as a server...

I can't wait to flex my blue collar bona fides on the debate stage.

Up top.

There it is.

- Synced and corrected by naFraC - - www.addic7ed.com -

I have been spending more time at this new gym lately.

I have asked Guillermo to join me,

but he always seems to have something else going on these days.

Guillermo! Guillermo,

- where are you? - Shit!

- I've been avoiding Nandor. - Oh.

It's been hard,

physically and emotionally.

- Guillermo? - I just don't

want him to get suspicious that

- I'm a vampire now. Or half a vampire. -

Or whatever I am.

Guillermo?

And so I have decided

to hunt for a new companion.

Need a spot?

Uh, sure, why not?

Great.

Looks like it's just me and you in here tonight, huh, buddy?

Um, yeah.

Uh, it's usually pretty empty on Easter Sunday.

I guess all the gentiles are out hunting for eggs.

You are Jewish?

Yep.

Very cool.

Alexander.

- Nandor. - Thanks for the spot, pal.

It was my pleasure.

So, what meshuggaas...

that means stuff...

is everyone doing tonight?

If you're only asking us what we're doing

so you can tell us what you're doing, we don't care.

Relax, I'm just kibitzing. Besides,

I have acquired a new friend.

- Oh. - And now we are going to the movies

together.

We are mishpocha.

Oh, yes.

My new friend... he's the total package.

Has a great sense of humor, loves to work out

and he's Jewish.

What difference does it make if he's Jewish?

It doesn't, but back in Al Qolnidar,

I always heard stories about the Jews.

Exceptionally proud people, fierce warriors,

but I never actually got to meet one.

I had no idea there were Jews in New York City.

And now I am proud to call one my friend.

Oh. That's great. What-What's his name?

Well, look who suddenly reappeared

now that I'm kvelling about my new friend.

- I've been here the whole time. - Well, if you must know,

his name is Alexander.

Alexander the Jew.

Nope. I don't think that's his name.

Quit your kvetching.

I really couldn't care less about being comptroller.

Hello! I am Colin Robinson.

I am running for comptroller.

- Can she vote? - Uh, no.

- Okay, then don't. - Ooh.

I'd rather it lay on the ground than go into her hands.

I'm only doing it because the debate stage

is a great place for a mega drain.

You know, it's really no surprise the amount

- of energy vampires in politics. - Uh, we're good.

- Colin, stop it. - What are you running for?

- Touch this. - What are you doing?

- Touch it. - Stop doing that.

But the perfect campaign needs the perfect wife.

I have an old flame that comes here.

Once we accept that they are never coming back

to sweep us off our feet with an unexpected...

E-Evie Russell?

Colin Robinson.

W-What are you doing here?

Evie, please. I-I need you.

I didn't think I'd ever see you again

after you fled the scene of the accident

that left me partially blind.

And completely unable to move my legs.

Oh, Evie.

Evie Russell

is an emotional vampire.

The doctor said, "She'd be better off dead."

She drains people by feeding on their emotions.

And then he hung himself while he was masturbating.

When we dated,

she destroyed me and fed off of the remnants

of what used to be my heart.

She's the best.

Oh, I've never stopped thinking about you.

I mean, even after all these years.

To me, you are perfect.

Love Actually, 2003.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

Brokeback Mountain, 2005.

I got you this necklace.

Titanic, 1997.

- It looks beautiful on you. - Thank you.

Ever since I stumbled on

the neighborhood of Little Antipaxos,

I have been spending my nights with a delightful family.

No, I-I have eaten...

Being with them makes me feel almost human.

I've been helping my new family by actually working.

And maybe these simple acts

of kindness, compassion, and friendship

might help lift this

pissing Antipaxon curse that I have all over me.

But... they keep asking to meet Laszlo.

Laszlo is not from Antipaxos,

and Antipaxons are very, very suspicious of outsiders.

He's coming tonight.

Now you see, what you must understand is courting a partner's

family is just as important as courting the lover.

So, I have done deep research into these simple island folk.

I learned their customs, their dress.

What the fuck are you wearing?

I'm dressed as an islander.

These people are peasants.

It's important I fit in, my darling.

Their way of speaking.

Me, Laszlo.

Do you people have names

or do you communicate with sticks?

I had become one of them.

I think this is going well.

This is the matriarch of this

very important family to me,

- okay? Yes? - Yeah, yeah.

- Yia-Yia. - Yia-Yia.

Lovely to meet you, I'm sure.

He was dropped on his head as a baby.

Any big plans for the summertime?

Not really.

So, I met Nandor at the gym. I was doing

my reps, and he, uh, I don't know,

he-he seemed harmless and

kind of lonely, and, uh...

then he asked me here, and...

I don't know, I'm here. Uh, I don't know.

It just happened.

- You are enjoying the movie? - Shh!

I remember the first time I went to one.

There was a locomotion film playing.

And we all thought,

"This train's gonna kill us!" And, of course...

- Shut up! - Shh.

Yes. Yes, you're right.

Zero is the amount of paperwork you'd have to file

- after I replace - Excuse me.

our entire outdated system...

Mr. Robinson, are you all right?

Yeah. No, no. It's not my turn. You go.

With a seamless, user-friendly,

digital platform.

Eliminate bureaucracy.

Say goodbye to paperwork.

And hello to anarchy.

You're-you're clapping for an anarchist.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Four weeks ago,

when I started this...

Check, check. Microphone, microphone.

With the debate stage,

what you have is a captive audience.

Do you know how this...

It's like a smorgasbord.

Four weeks ago,

I was sitting down

for breakfast with my

beautiful wife, Evie.

Evie and I were sitting down with our two

beautiful little boys,

Connor and C-C... Cah... ristopher,

and Christopher

looks up to me... he's

six years old and full of the dickens...

And I said, "Well, it's because of the taxes,

Conno... Christopher."

And I'll be damned if there's anyone in this hall right now...

... smells often of beef stew,

as all young children do.

Your allowance is being cut

because mommy lost her job.

Mommy lost her job to

an M'er-F'ing machine.

A machine that ran over my foot

on a factory floor.

- Unbelievable. - And is a-a

machine gonna tuck my two sons...

who are full of the dickens... into bed?

You think that machine can give my boys

their goodnight kissies?

How's that gonna work? Bleep, bloop, bloop, mwah.

I sure would like to meet that machine

and tell it to pay for my medical bills.

That machine ruined our gosh darn C-Chrosstopher's life.

No, really, you were so good.

I-I doubt I'll get a single vote.

Oh. Very nice.

So, what do you want to do now?

Oh, I don't know. We could catch up.

I really have thought about you

quite a bit these last few years.

- I guess our Uber is here. - Yeah.

Not our Uber.

What the hell?!

European Middle Ages, in which monks wore hoods or cowls...

This is triggering because I was blind as a child,

and I'm having flashbacks.

Enough! Be quiet!

You guys can join us,

but if you're hoping to get any interesting footage,

you came to exactly the wrong place.

Where-where are we?

Wait, a-are you...

Okay. Uh, so,

calling to order this emergency meeting

of the Supreme Council of Energy Vampires.

It's real?

I'd always heard rumors, but...

A-Are we in trouble?

Well, uh, what we have here

is a situation in...

Sorry, let me turn that off.

So annoying, right? Like, "Okay, Boomer."

As I-I was saying, uh, what we do have here

is a situation in which we...

- Hey. - Uh, what you're gonna want to do

is go to your home screen

and look for "Settings."

- I'm not... I'm not seeing that. - And you open that up,

and you're looking for "Alerts."

- It should be listed alphabetical, - I...

- so "Alerts" would be at the top of that. - I am not seeing that.

It could also be under "Sounds and Haptics."

I don't know what operating system you're running.

Sorry I'm late. What'd I miss?

You're not late. You were actually sitting there the whole time.

Yeah, but I-I wasn't listening,

so could somebody bring me up to speed, please?

They were asking if they're in trouble, and I was saying that

- what we have here is a situation in which... -

- Shucks. - Home screen.

- Okay. Mm. - "Settings."

Alert settings, and then what you're gonna need to do

- is find the, uh... - My God, they are fantastic.

Oh, yeah. This is awful.

Maybe we should move on

to the business at hand?

- We can't hear you. - Just speak up.

Oh, sorry. One moment.

Just speak up.

Shake it.

Okay. How about now?

- No, no. Shake it. - Mm-mmm.

Y-You're gonna need to speak up.

Maybe it's the Wi-Fi connection. I'm literally shouting.

That would literally have nothing to do with it.

Uh, why don't you check the XLR cable connection.

Colin Robinson, Evie Russell,

you have been summoned here...

Does somebody want to interrupt her and let her know

that, at this point, she is completely inaudible?

Yeah, no problem. You're not-you're not audible

due to the low volume

- of your microphone. - I'm shouting.

I am blowing up today.

Listen, uh, if we don't survive this,

I-I just want you to know that

- I've always loved... - Colin Robinson,

no side conversations, please.

I am at a loss.

Do we have an agenda?

System settings.

I have something called Settings?

My good friend Alexander

has yet to call me back on the telephone.

Who is that? Is that Alexander?

No. Why would I be talking to Alexander?

I gave Alexander your number because I do not have a phone.

Does this fill me with a crippling sense of self-doubt?

Sometimes.

It's not fair!

Perhaps we are just too different to be friends.

But I can fix.

Master, you know I would do anything for you, but

I'm not gonna circumcise you.

Here's me in the corner.

Here's me in the spotlight at my circumcision.

Master, you just can't get circumcised

for a friend you met at the gym.

Guillermo, there's no other way.

How can two men be friends

when they are so different?

You and I are different.

You are. I am not.

It's time for you

to snip my tip.

Enjoy.

Hello, my sexy, Greek, extended family.

Ah, Laszlo.

Gather round. I have something I want to say.

Oh, Laszlo, Yia-Yia.

The memory of a song, when executed properly,

can be a powerful gift.

Had my sweet love, Laszlo, consulted me before just

putting on a big concert in front of my new family,

I would have probably said maybe don't sing the battle hymn

of our neighboring island, Nisida Mongonisi,

because that place is the home of our mortal enemies,

the Nisida Mongonisans.

- Hold on a second, my... - Shut up!

Who told you that was a good idea?!

- All right, my darling. - You were singing,

"Kill them, kill them, kill them."

How many times have I said that to you in Greek?

We can't hear you.

You're just gonna need to speak up.

Feels like we should turn this over to the chairman at this point.

Yes. Uh, so, uh, do we...

Hello. Yes.

I can take it from here.

Thank you for softening them up.

Okay. Now, who is this?

- The Chairman. - Uh, you've worked with her

- for 15 years now. - Is that right?

Did she get a haircut or something?

Colin Robinson.

Your opponent Barbara Lazarro's platform

is a direct threat to the lifeblood

of energy vampires, which is...

what's the word...

bureaucracy.

- Bureaucracy. - And bureaucracy is...

How do I put this? I feel like there's

a slogan...

Bureaucracy is the gum

that clogs the gears of every human endeavor.

The petty BS, in triplicate,

that reminds

the common man that he is a useless speck

and has kept energy vampires

everywhere well-fed, fat, and happy.

All hail bureaucracy.

Enough. I can't take it anymore.

Why are we here? W-What do you want us to do?

You must beat Barbara Lazarro,

or else.

How do you expect me to beat Barbara Lazarro?

I-I can't win.

Even if I could,

I don't even want to be comptroller.

This is how we feed, dummy.

You need to protect our way of life.

What if I don't?

We have certain methods for persuading the reluctant.

Turn it around. It's backwards.

- I can't see it. - It's backwards.

Turn it so it faces them, but also is facing me.

Turn it so the screen is facing us.

- No, they can't see it. - To the left more.

- Left, left. - Please be more expedient.

Thank you.

Slide one of 543:

"Hurry Up and Wait: An Argument for

and Statistical Review...

- Make it stop. - ... of Energy Vampire Preservation...

- It's too much. - ... Via Bureaucracy,

- Secured Only Through..." - Fine. Fine.

We-We'll do it, just...

please let us out of here.

Thanks, but we-we're still gonna read it.

Just to reiterate. Still gonna

- watch it and read it. - "Part One, Section One... "

And I'm here to fight for the change you deserve,

Staten Island. And with all of you, my Colin-izers,

by my side, I can't lose.

I'm so full of passion,

I just want to scream!

And now we're off to Mariners Harbor,

Midland Beach,

Randall Manor. Yee-haw!

Okay. I'm just gonna take

a quick break now to settle down.

I can't keep doing this.

Uh, I can't keep pretending to be

Mr. Charisma to all these nimrods.

It's awful.

But the Energy Vampire Council said

we have to win, or else.

No. No. No.

Enough. It ends now.

What?

Okay, where was I?

Let's see here. Meiers Corners.

Graniteville. How about Fort Wadsworth?

Do I hear anyone from

Randall Manor?!

All right!

What?

Oh, i-it-it's not what it looks like.

I was just beating off

to all your beautiful faces

during the break, and I-I guess

I forgot to pull up my-my pants.

So, I waited, like,

five hours at the gym

to bump into my friend Alexander.

Then, when he finally did show up...

Alexander! Come on. Oh, Alexander!

I don't know.

Maybe I rushed things a little with my big reveal.

Alexander! Ta-da!

Twins.

Alexander, wait.

I got to get out of this fucking city.

Alexander!

The excitement of our friendship

made me overlook my vampire powers.

Hi.

My foreskin grew back very fast.

Now he thinks I'm meshuggener,

which means he thinks I'm a little bit of a putz.

Shh. Pss, pss, pss, pss.

No, don't stop, not on my account. Keep going.

Now, I know I'm different from you people, but I am who I am.

"And who are you?" I hear you ask.

- Fuck's sake. - Well, that's a good question.

I...

am an esteemed British gentleman,

well-bred to the manor born.

I can speak 14 languages,

as long as they are English.

I can play any instrument,

apart from bagpipes.

They sound fucking terrible to everyone.

I can fashion any tree,

any hedge, into a vulva.

In the days before medicine, I survived gonorrhea, chlamydia,

the plague, clubfoot, leprosy,

black fever, yellow fever,

night fever.

But most important, and I must emphasize

that this is the most important thing about me:

I am a certified master cocksman.

To cut this short

and to get straight to the point,

you can all go f-f-fuck yourselves.

Oh, for fuck's sake, Laszlo.

Very hard.

What's she doing, my love?

What's happening?

By some stroke of dumb luck,

my new family absolutely bloody love Laszlo.

You see, there is a tale in my country

that has been passed down through generations

of a wet-headed,

wide-bodied, ignorant oaf,

with the brains of a chewing gums.

This spirit is said to continually reincarnate itself,

but always as a pompous, perverted oaf.

And my family think it is, well,

Laszlo.

And when you are in the presence of this spirit,

it brings good luck and good fortune to everyone.

- Hello there. How are you? - Vasiliás Pyuroni.

The king of pigs.

My king of pigs.

He's very, very, very stupid.

I want to say to my young boys,

uh, Connor and Cra...

Christoph... pher,

to them, I say I'm sorry, Daddy's coming home.

I-I'd like to say a few words myself.

Thank you in advance

for respecting my family's privacy...

don't touch me...

while we deal with this isolated incident

in which my husband

flashed and mooned

the beautiful voters of Staten Island

after a poorly-timed

masturbation sesh.

As well as the isolated incident in which

we woke up to

what sounded like a burglar in our house,

and my husband immediately yelled,

"Take her and my kids, don't take me"

before realizing...

... it was just a racoon outside our house.

This man has let us all down.

But I will make it up to you

by becoming your next borough comptroller.

All right!

I was surprised that

Evie ran in my place.

Only 18 people voted.

So, with the write-in votes

that Evie got from her

breakup group...

well, it was enough to carry the day.

I think she'll do the council proud.

- I-I'm happy for her. - Colin Robinson.

Evie Russell. What are you doing here?

I wanted to let you know...

I'm sad.

Why? I thought you'd enjoy being comptroller.

I'm sad because

we can't see each other anymore.

But maybe you and I

could meet up every once in a while

- and later... - I don't want to do that.

- But maybe w-we can... - I-I'm sorry.

- I should give this back to you. - Yeah, I want this back.

I hope you didn't pay too much for it.

It gave me a rash, so I think it's made of

some kind of really cheap metal.

It's not metal.

Oh. Well...

I wish it didn't have to be this way.

Evie, wh-why?

It's...

complicated.

Nancy Meyers,

2009.

Nothing like spending some quality time with old frien...

Shh! Shut the fuck up.

I'm trying to watch a movie here.