Original subtitles

- OK, kids, let's take our seats.

Before we get started, we have a guest speaker today.

Please give your undivided attention to Kipling.

- Thank you, sir. - Hey. What's up, guys?

My name's Kipling.

I'm with the Webelos of America.

I want to talk you guys about the exciting opportunity

to join the Webelos.

- Is that a chick or a dude? - Shut up.

- I'm sure some of you were in Scouts before.

Webelos are an extension of Scouts,

specifically for fifth and sixth graders.

- You guys, is that a chick or a dude?

- It's a chick. - Nah, that's a dude, bro.

- part of it as well.

Now, I know what y'all might be thinking...

Webelos used to be only for boys.

Well, now they also allow girls,

and I myself, as a...

Webelo, can tell you

it's a great organization for everyone.

- I don't know, guys, I'm like 60% sure

that was a fucking dude.

- I'm definitely betting it's a chick.

What are the odds at?

- Looks like about 40 kids betting now,

55% saying the Webelo is a dude.

- So I'd only win, like, five bucks on a $2 bet?

- What are you guys talking about?

- Prediction market app, dude.

You know, online peer to peer betting.

- Yeah, it's social platform betting.

People can make any bet they want,

and then other users take them up on it.

- Really? - Yeah, it's pretty sweet, dude.

People bet on anything, even stuff here at the school.

See? Will the girls' soccer team win on Friday?

Will there be a snow day this month?

Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza

and destroy a Palestinian hospital?

Will school lunch have tater tots next week?

- Wait, what was that?

- Will school lunch have tater tots next week?

- No, the one about my mom! - Oh. Uh...

Will Kyle's mom strike Gaza

and destroy a Palestinian hospital?

- Why the hell would my mom destroy a Palestinian hospital?

- 'Cause she's a Jew?

Boys, put 'em away.

You know the rules... no cell phones during school time.

Both: Sorry, Jesus.

- No phones, guys!

- Take that bet down right now, fat ass!

- I didn't put it up, Kyle.

I'm not even betting on it.

It's 9:1 odds your mom won't do it... those are terrible odds.

- This is such bullshit!

I'm gonna find out who started this

and I'm gonna fucking rip them a new asshole!

- Man, you just bring up Gaza to a Jew and they flip out.

Maybe these are pretty good odds.

You're watching Fox News!

- They're called prediction market apps...

controversial online betting that's found a loophole

around normal gambling laws.

And, of course, the number one trending bet on the apps:

Will President Trump and Satan's baby be a boy or a girl?

- That's right, prediction market apps

are going crazy right now.

On Kalshi, 54% are betting it's gonna be a boy,

while bettors on Polymarket are at nearly 60%

the demonic butt baby's gonna be a girl.

- Hello, boss.

Another gift for the baby.

- Another present for the baby?

What about me?

- Everyone is so excited for the baby, boss.

You must be so excited as well.

- Uh, yeah, sure. Real excited.

- It is going to completely change your life, though.

- What are you talking about?

- Well, when the baby comes,

you will have to give it all your attention.

No more dinner parties in the Rose Garden.

No more baseball games. No more travelling.

No more long nights at Mar-a-Iago.

- Oh.

Ooh.

- Hey, Satan!

You wanna get in the hot tub and smoke some cigarettes?

- Hot tubs and cigarettes are really bad for the baby.

- Yeah, I know. - Let's do it anyway.

- Wait, do you want to get rid of the baby?

I don't think your followers would be very happy

if we got an abortion.

- Hey, relax, guy!

I don't want to get rid of the baby.

- Good, 'cause we're not going to.

- Great!

- Jimmy!

- Oh, hey, Kyle.

- What the hell is this?

- That's a prediction market app.

- I'm asking why did you bet yes that my mom would strike Gaza?

- Oh, yeah, I put some money on that.

I know it's not very likely, but I like to bet on

l-longshots.

- Why are you betting on it at all?

Israel and Gaza is a very serious matter.

- Oh, I know, Kyle.

I told a joke about Gaza on a Zoom meeting yesterday

and nobody laughed.

I guess it's not even remotely funny.

Wow. What a terrific audience.

- What is wrong with you people?

Do you even know what Gaza is?

Do you seriously just care about making a couple bucks?

You know what my mom would do if she found out about this?

She would absolutely lose her shit!

There's been a conflict in Israel for thousands of years,

and Jews and Palestinians are not football teams

that you bet on.

- Guys, phones.

All: Sorry, Jesus.

- Kyle, if you think the bet isn't fair,

then you can just take it up with the company

- that manages the app. - I can?

- Sure thing.

These apps aren't r-run of the mill, rinkydink.

They're all run by highly professional

strategic advisors.

- Hello?

- Yeah, is this the "Strategic Advisor for Predictive Markets?"

- Yes, it is.

- Well, there's a bet on one of your apps

that's incredible insensitive,

and it needs to be taken down now!

- Oh, uh, all our bets are actually regulated by the CFTC.

You need to talk to them.

- What's the CFTC?

- It's the Commodity Futures Trading Commission.

It's the federal government.

They have to approve all bets and deal with discrepancies.

- Fine! I'll call the CFTC then.

So stupid.

Commodity Futures Trading Commission... here we go.

- Hello?

- Yeah, I'm calling about a prediction market bet

that's offensive to Jewish people.

- Ooh, that sounds really bad.

If it's offensive, you probably need to speak with the FCC.

- The fcc?

- Yeah, they're dealing with all the offensive stuff now.

Here, let me connect you.

Hello?

- This is the same fucking guy!

- Who is it? - Uh, apparently,

there's a really offensive bet on an app

that the government is sort of in charge of,

and I'm like the strategic advisor.

- An offensive government app?

I better go speak with the president right away.

Hey, Satan!

Hey, Satan!

Can you come downstairs?

- What do you want?

- Just come down the stairs real quick.

- For what?

- For just real quick.

- Oh, there you are, Mr. President!

I need to talk to you.

- No, no, no, no! - Brendan Carr, don't...

- Whoa!

The FCC guy must have shitty ankles.

- You guys! You guys!

Have you checked out the betting app lately?

- No. - Ever since Kyle got

all pissed off, the odds are going up

on his mom attacking Gaza.

- No way. - Yeah, check it out!

Now 17% of people are betting she's gonna do it.

We gotta get in on this, guys.

- Dude, Kyle's mom isn't going to strike Gaza.

- Yes, exactly. We know that.

And we can also influence Kyle

to get the odds raised even more.

It's called a conflict of interest, you guys.

It's a way to make free money.

- Isn't that illegal?

- Yes! - All we have to do is make sure

Kyle stays angry,

and at the same time, go talk antisemitic shit about his mom

to goose the odds up even more.

- What are you guys talking about?

- Nothing. Just talking about

how messed up it is everyone hates Jews now.

- You think it's messed up? - Yes, I do, Kyle.

Why would an app allow a bet like that to exist?

It's obvious race bait.

- Yeah, that's exactly how I feel!

- Dude, you might just want to let it go.

- See? "Just let it go."

That's how people want you to deal with a crisis

that they don't even understand.

- Yes! Thank you!

- You can't give up, Kyle.

It's not cool people would say this stuff about your mom.

And honestly, if you don't have her back, who will?

Hey, have you guys heard about Kyle's mom?

Man, that bitch has it out for Palestine, let me tell you.

Well, I don't know, I would just hate to be

a Palestinian hospital, that's all I can say.

Well, anyway, good to talk to you guys.

Hey, guys! Guys, have you heard about

my friend Kyle's mom?

- Oh, my goodness, can you believe all the crazy apps

our kids are on these days?

- Ugh! - Who can keep track anymore?

- Kyle comes to me every day with a new app

that he just has to have.

I tell him, "That app costs money, Kyle.

"Then it charges you money.

Where you gonna get this money?"

- Yeah, you know what'd be nice?

Is an app where you can actually make some money.

- Yes.

That'd be great, wouldn't it?

- Yes, it certainly would.

So, Sheila,

how have you been feeling about the current situation in Gaza?

- What? - Uh, yeah,

just... just thought we'd sort of take your temperature.

Which way are you thinking about going with that?

- Well, I think it's all horrible.

- A lot of people are dying. - Uh-huh.

- And do you feel like you need to do anything about it?

- What would I do about it?

- I mean, probably nothing, right?

You're going to do nothing about it.

- Are you implying the Jews in America

have some kind of obligation to do something about it?

- Whoa, whoa! - You want to vilify my faith!

- Is that it? - Sheila, it's OK.

- It's not Jews versus Palestine!

It's Israel versus Palestine!

- Here we go with the Palestinian stuff again.

- And maybe if you read books

instead of everything Hollywood actors say,

you'd know the difference!

- What are you putting your money on?

- I mean, it's a ridiculous bet, but she seems pretty pissed off.

- There's really no money to be made on betting she won't.

- Yeah, let's take the long odds.

That makes these apps more fun.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Hey, Satan!

I made you some soup!

- I don't like carrots.

- Hey, relax, guy!

Carrots are good for you.

- I don't want carrots.

I ordered cheesecake on DoorDash.

- Mr. President, I really need to speak with you.

- Not now, Brendan Carr!

Satan won't eat his carrots.

- Oh, come on, Satan, you're eating for two now.

Carrots are good for you, see?

- Ah, Brendan Carr, don't do it!

- Whoa, this is the best soup ever. I...

Oh, God!

- Whoa!

- Whoo! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Wow-wow-wow-wow!

Those carrots must have been from Erewhon.

Everywhere I went today,

it was the same thing.

What are you going to do about Gaza?

Like us Jews in America have any control

over what's going on in Israel.

Why is everyone suddenly confronting us

about the politics?

Have people been asking what you think about Gaza, Gerald?

- No, for some reason, they were just asking

- what you think about it. - You see?

It's just pure antisemitism!

I'm so sick of being grilled about my views on Palestine

and my thoughts on Hamas!

And being judged for things that are centuries old

and that non-Jews know nothing about!

Well, if they all think we should do something...

- You... stop! - Then you better believe

I'll do something!

- You know, Mom, I'm starting to think that us Jews

should just lay low for a little bit.

- There! - Now my son is complacent.

This is one Jewish household that will not put up with it

- anymore! - Ma, please.

Don't make things any worse.

- Worse? - How can it be any worse?

I'm going to find out where all this is coming from,

and I'm going to give them a piece of my mind!

- No! Ma!

- Look, boss, another present for the baby!

- Another present for the baby? - Right!

- Isn't it cute, boss?

We must be careful, though,

cats can be very harmful to a pregnancy.

- Harmful to a pregnancy?

- Well, yes, boss, it's a parasite called toxoplasmosis.

It can be transferred from cats to humans

and bring about some complications.

- Toxoplasmosis?

Hey, Satan!

Hey, Satan, you gotta come see this, it's really great.

- What?

- Ay! I thought you were napping in our room.

- No, I had to go get the ultrasound.

I can't believe you didn't show up.

It really makes me feel like you don't care about this baby.

- Hey, relax, guy, of course I care about the baby.

- Mr. President, I'm feeling much better...

- No! Fuck! Brendan Carr!

- You guys. You guys, I did it.

- You did what?

- I talked so much shit about the Jews

that I got the odds on the bet up to 95%.

- Yeah, check it out.

I put 1,400 bucks on it last night.

I am locked in.

- Where'd you get 1,400 bucks?

- I just took my mom's debit card,

entered all the info into the betting app,

and put all the money she has on it.

- Isn't she gonna be pissed off?

- Yeah, not when I turn her 1,400 bucks into 14,000.

This is the safest investment ever.

Nothing can possibly go wrong.

Hey, fellas. Fellas!

Fellas, have you seen the news?

Kyle's mom's in Israel.

- Really? - Oh, wow!

- I just put money down!

- Dude, your mom's in Israel.

- I know.

- Well, you gotta call her.

You gotta calm her down.

- I've been trying to call her.

Her phone's not working over there.

- Kyle this is no time for weakness.

Whatever your mom is doing,

it is going to make kids here even more anti-Semitic.

- You're totally right.

- Damn right, I'm right!

You have to get ahold of your mom

and tell her to calm down, Kyle.

Call the Israeli government if you have to.

- How do I call the Israeli government?

- Call a diplomat. - Call an embassy.

You just have to talk to someone who works for Israel.

- Hello.

- Oh, you have got to be shitting me!

- What? - This is the strategic advisor

for predictive market apps.

- Tell him to take the bet down.

- What?

- Make him take the bet down, Kyle.

It is anti-Semitic, and you have to fight

for what you believe in.

- I called before about an offensive bet,

and I want that bet taken down right now!

- That's right!

- Oh, yes, I believe your complaint

was being reviewed by head of the FCC.

- Well, then what's the head of the FCC doing?

Where the hell is he?

- Mr. Carr? - Mr. Carr, can you hear me?

- We understand you're the head of the FCC, is that correct?

- Mm-hmm.

- All right, well, I'm very sorry,

but you do appear to have toxoplasmosis

from exposure to cat feces.

- Aww!

- We need you to get some rest. - Try not to move.

- Will the head of the FCC be OK, Doctor?

- His bones are healing,

so he may regain full range of motion.

But if the toxoplasmosis parasite gets to his brain...

I'm afraid he may lose his freedom of speech.

- Oh, no!

- We'll do everything we can.

- Mr. Carr, why do you keep meddling in my plans?

- Huh?

- I've been trying to convince the boss

to get rid of the baby.

I am next in line to be president.

That baby cannot be born.

And if you continue to interfere,

I will make things very difficult for you.

- We can do this the easy way,

or we can do it the hard way.

- Hello.

Uh, yes, is this the office of the president?

Yes, it is.

I've got a young man who's saying one of our

predictive market bets is offensive to Jews?

Ooh, that sounds bad.

Yeah, it sounds pretty bad.

Well, the president isn't here,

but I'm, like, a special advisor,

so I can probably get the bet taken down.

Ooh, I'm a special advisor too!

Oh, really? That's great.

Can you email me the bet in question?

Yeah, I'm emailing it now.

Oh, yeah, I see it.

OK, I'll need to approve with the financial company

backing all the app since the bet money needs to be returned.

OK, thanks, I'll let all the Jews know.

- What the hell?

- They took it down.

We were all gonna win, and they took down our bets.

- How can the app company do that?

- I got in at nine-to-one odds.

This is b-b-bullshit!

- Yeah, these apps are totally corrupt.

- Guys! For the love of God!

- Well, Cartman, I just wanna say thanks.

You know, it's crazy, but nobody else here

gave a crap about how I was feeling except for you.

- Oh, that's all right, Kyle.

I'm just happy the bet got taken down.

Now none of these sickos can profit

off of what your mom does.

- Yeah, well, those people

would have all lost the bet anyway.

- What do you mean they would have all lost the bet?

- Well, I know the reason my mom went Israel.

- It wasn't to bomb a Palestinian hospital?

- No, when my mom left the house,

she said she was gonna find

the person responsible for all this

and give them a piece of her mind.

You are not going

to talk to me like that!

I am extremely upset,

and I am not leaving until I have said my piece!

There you are, Mr. Netanyahu!

Just who do you think you are,

killing thousands and flattening neighborhoods,

then wrapping yourself in Judaism

like it's some shield from criticism?

You're making life for Jews miserable

and life for American Jews impossible!

Oh, don't you roll your eyes at me, mister.

You know what you're doing,

and you're doing it on purpose!

Well, now you can just sit in that chair,

'cause I'm not going anywhere, buster!

I've been to every PTA meeting,

every school board meeting,

and I can go all day!