All language subtitles for Last.Man.Standing.2011.S07E13.The.Best.Man.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-FLUX_Subtítulos01.ENG

So the scientist says,

"The last time I saw that monkey,
"he was on the elephant,

trying to put the cork back in."

I'm sorry, is... is...
was that the punch line

or is there another
45 minutes to that joke?

Oh, come on, it's a classic.

Joe, Joe.

Let me give you a tip
on how to tell a joke, right?

Never do it again.

Oh, that joke's hilarious,
you just don't get it.

It's possible I didn't get it.
It was complex.

An elephant with diarrhea,
who would get that?

Sorry I am late.

Carol and I went out for breakfast

and, uh, started talking about
our anniversary

and I lost track of time.

Wow. What anniversary is it?

Oh, 25 years next Saturday.

- Congratulations.
- Thanks.

Vanessa and I are 35 years.

Yeah, I know, Carol and I like having

marriage old-timers as friends.

In fact, I wanted
to talk to you about that.

I'm done listening for the day. Blame him.

Oh... you were telling jokes?

Scientist, and a monkey
and an elephant, okay?

The one where he has diarrhea?

Not cool.

W... Wait, here's how
you tell a joke. Knock, knock.

- Uh, who's there?
- Crossbow.

- Crossbow, who?
- Crossbow, get back to work

or I'm gonna shoot you
in the ass with a crossbow.

- Hey, baby.
- Hey.

How was your night out with Carol?

A little wine with dinner

or a little dinner with wine or...

a little wine with wine?

We had pretzels.

In the Uber.

Guess what Chuck and Carol are gonna do

for their 25th anniversary.

They are going to get married.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Okay, I'm a simple country boy, but...

the fact that they have
an anniversary would suggest

that they're already married.

Well, that was a quickie ceremony
before Chuck deployed.

They always planned on having
a bigger wedding ceremony someday,

and I guess after 25 years,
they decided they better get on it.

Great story. Give 'em a gravy boat.

Oh, I am giving them more than that.

You are looking at Carol's
matron of honor.

- Uh, good, good.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

- We'll get to eat first.
- Hmm.

Uh, so, Carol told me that Chuck
wants you to be involved, too,

but he's a little nervous
about asking you.

That's what he wanted
to talk about this morning.

He wants me to be the best man.

Hmm, what makes you think that?

Come on.

Who would be better at it than me?

Huh, I'm stumped.

Is that the right answer?

I'm funny, dependable, look good in a tux.

- Hell, I could host the Oscars.
- All right.

So, what's the problem?

Being the best man is an honor.

It seems like an honor.
It's actually a pain in the ass.

It'd be like being
the White House chief of staff.

That's something else I could do.

These cakes are beautiful, but Kristin,
this is asking way too much.

No, no, Carol, the guys in the kitchen

really want to do this for you and Chuck.

They're dying to make something
other than the sheet cake

that we give away to people
who lie about their birthdays.

Carol, you told me the first time
that you and Chuck got married,

you split a piece of pumpkin pie
at the bus station.

Come on, you deserve this.

Well, I... guess.

I'll take the four-tier praline
with the marzipan fondant

- and the crystalized lemon blossoms.
- Oh. Okay.

Oh, yikes, Carol, come on.

- We got to pick up your dress.
- Oh! Yes.

Oh, thank you so much, Kristin.

And you know what the worst part
about all of this is now?

I want some cake.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

Hey, Kris, you want to watch
Lovers and Losers?

- It's hot tub elimination night.
- Oh, no, no, no, no.

I'm taping it at home.

Who am I kidding?
I'm gonna watch it twice anyway.

Can I watch, too?
We have this show in Hong Kong

but it's called Daughter Shame Family.

Uh, sure, Jen.

- Hey, are those my earrings?
- Uh...

I don't know. Who cares?

I do. You went into my room
without asking.

When I lived here,

you took my stuff all the time.

No, I didn't. Your stuff sucks.

Yes, you did, liar.

No, I didn't, psycho.

Fine, take them, okay?
They're ugly anyway.

- Buy your own earrings, loser.
- Buttface!

That is a daughter who shames family.

Hey, when you two are finished,

I need a minute of your time, Baxter.

- Oh, we're done, we're done, we're done.
- Oh, great. I'll be right in.

Why did you tell him we were done?

Because you said we were done.

What is it? What's wrong?

Chuck wants to ask me
to do something and I'm trying

to get out of it,
so just back me on this, okay?

So...

I guess you heard that Carol and I

- are retying the knot.
- I'd love to talk about it

- when I get back in town, okay?
- Uh...

What, you're... you're leaving?

I was gonna ask you to be a part
of it. W... When do you go?

W... When's the wedding?

Next Saturday.

Next Saturday. As luck would have it,

that's when Ed and I
are doing this thing, right, Ed?

Right? What are we doing?
The thing we're doing?

Well, I don't know what you're doing,

but I've been asked to be
an usher at Chuck's wedding.

And as I said before, I'm honored.

Man, it's okay, Baxter.

If you don't want to be
a part of it, that's...

- that's fine, man.
- No, it's not... Forget it,

it's not that, you know, I just don't...

I don't know what's the matter with me.

If you want me to do it,
I'm not gonna stand in the way

of having an exceptional wedding.

Okay, I got a list of websites
where you can get ordained.

It's quick and painless.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You want me to o... officiate the wedding?

Oh, yeah.

I mean, even though
we're already legally married,

Carol wants it, you know, all proper.

Why... Right, well,
I... I... I could officiate it.

That'd be all right, yeah.

I don't know if it'd be proper,
I got quite a mouth on me.

Yeah, thanks, Baxter.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Chuck, uh...

who are you getting to be the best man?

Uh, probably one of your Marine buddies.

Oh, no. Most of my guys
are still overseas.

Oh. Huh.

Who's gonna be the best man?

Hey, Reverend, looks like
we got a wedding to plan.

So yesterday you were mad
because you thought

Chuck was gonna ask you
to be his best man.

Today you're mad
because he didn't ask you.

Maybe you just like being mad.

I'm not mad because he didn't
ask me to be the best man.

- I'm mad because he asked Joe to do it.
- Yeah, but

he asked you to perform the ceremony,

- that's a big honor.
- Give me a break.

Officiating at a wedding

is like being the deejay
at a strip bar, you know that.

Nobody's there to see you.

Well, that must be some
of the deep spiritual insight

he knows you'll bring to the ceremony.

What's so special
about the best man's job?

The best man gives that
funny speech at the reception.

The big speech, the big fun,
it goes on YouTube.

And Joe's gonna give that.

Well, why not? He seems like a funny guy.

My God, who are you?

- Oh, there he is.
- Mm-hmm.

I was hoping I could pound
a few more beers down

before the wedding meeting
he insisted on having.

Well, it sounds like Joe
is taking his role

in the ceremony seriously
and you should do the same.

Okay, okay, okay.

Hey.

- Do we have any vodka?
- Answer the door.

Go, get out.

Reverend Mike.

- Shecky Greene.
- Let's make this quick, okay?

'Cause I'm doing New Talent Night
at the comedy club.

I'm workshopping my best man speech.

It is gonna be a killer. Oh, man.

Honey, can you pour me a glass
of what we talked about?

No.

Hey, let's get started, huh?

Okay. Let's get started.

Listen, I'm really sorry
about how things worked out.

What do you mean? What?

About our jobs at the wedding.

I'm sure you've got to be disappointed.

I'm the best man.

It's the best thing you can be, okay?

"Best" is in the job title.

Being a best man at a wedding is like

being a deejay at a strip club.

Nobody's there to see you.

No, that's ridiculous, okay?

Tommy Thunder at Nudes, Nudes, Nudes?

He's the reason I frequent
that establishment.

Listen, all I'm saying is,

I've never been the best man at a wedding

when I didn't look up and go,

"Boy, I wish I could be the minister."

Well, congratulations, Baxter.

You are the minister, okay?

You're not the deejay at the strip club,

you're not even the strip club.

You're the weird guy
that hangs around by the front door.

Not the guy with that stocking cap,
he's some kind

- of security guy.
- All right, all right.

- I don't know what he does...
- I get it. I get it! I get it, I get it.

- Here's the deal. Okay, we're pals, right?
- Yeah.

Well, I'm thinking maybe
I could talk to Chuck.

- Uh-huh?
- Maybe get you the gig

as minister and I take the, you know,

the stupid best man job.

You think you could get me,
like, a certificate?

Sure, there's a minister's certificate.

No, a birth certificate, okay?

'Cause apparently you think
I was born yesterday.

I'm just trying to help.

Hey, if you want to help, read that.

Read that when you introduce me.

"He's worked clubs and colleges
across the country"?

"You've seen him on
Evening at the Improv"?

- What is this?
- Okay.

I took a few liberties, okay?

Just read that, then step aside

and watch me level the joint.

You know you do your speech
at the reception, you nitwit,

not at the church.

No, I'm the best man.
I'm doing it at the church

'cause Chuck said it's okay, all right?

And look, excuse me.

I'm 35th at the comedy club,
so I got to get going.

Wait a minute.

When were you ever on The Tonight Show?

And look how far I've fallen.

Hey, Jen, you want to help us
with the centerpieces?

Oh, I have to tell Vanessa something,

but it's going to upset her.

I know. Too much red.

It's a wedding, not a bullfight.

Mandy and Kristin hate each other.

They got into a fight. They said
horrible things I cannot repeat.

- What were they fighting about?
- Earrings.

Oh, no, no, wait, let me guess.
Kristin took Mandy's earrings

and then Mandy threw a hissy fit.

Stop laughing and do something.

- Jen doesn't have any brothers or sisters.
- Ah.

I used to want a sister
more than anything in the world,

but now I am glad I don't have one.

Yeah, one of the great things
about having a sister

is you can fight like that
and it doesn't matter.

You know you're always
gonna love each other.

That sounds a little crazy. Is it true?

My sister was a giant pain.

She stole my first boyfriend,
she crashed my car...

I should give her a call.

I really appreciate you
taking the time, Reverend Paul.

Listen, I need a few pointers
on a wedding, man.

This thing's turning into
a real pain in the ass.

Yeah.

Just happy to help.

Please, have a seat.

I don't want to sit in your chair.

Oh, why not?
You're a "minister" now, too, right?

Clicked on a website,
you paid ten bucks, boom!

You get to wear your collar backwards.

Ten bucks? I overpaid.

Do you have any idea
what a seminary education costs, Mike?

It's about 18 grand a year, plus books.

Okay, but isn't there only the one book?

The average salary of a minister,

around 35 grand.

Greeters at Walmart make more than that.

You know, this is real interesting,
but it might be something

that someone should take up
with their bartender?

Officiating weddings
was one of the few ways

that ministers could make
a little extra money.

But now, thanks to the Internet,
anyone can be ordained

by the Worldwide Church of the Holy Bozo.

Let's be honest, I think you've had
a few snorts already today, haven't you?

Okay. I'm sorry. How can I help?

Okay. All right, listen.

You know how to work
a congregation, right?

So, I need some surefire bits
that I can do at the ceremony.

Bits?

Yeah, some class A material, you know?

I'm not a prop act, I don't juggle,

and I won't do magic.

Where is this ceremony,
the Tropicana Room?

The best man is Joe Leonard.
Do you know Joe?

No, I don't think so.

Yeah, cause... Of course not,
he's bound for hell.

Joe thinks he's funny. He's not funny.

He's really not funny, and he's
doing comedy at the ceremony.

I need to blow this guy offstage.

Mike, you're looking at this
completely wrong.

- Yeah?
- A minister at a wedding...

is like a deejay.

Exactly. Deejay at a strip club, exactly.

What?

I need one surefire bit

that's guaranteed a big laugh.
Help me out. Big laugh.

Okay. Oh.

Okay.

There's a scientist,
an elephant, and a monkey...

All right, so after I say that,
you say, you yell out...

Come on, you yell out...

"How fat is she?"

And then I'll say, "My wife is so fat..."

Well, hang on. Mrs. B isn't fat.
Why are you saying she is?

It's a joke, I'm not talking
about my wife. It's a joke.

Making fun of somebody's weight
is a joke? No, sir.

You want a joke?

"What did the farmer say when
he couldn't find his tractor?"

I don't know. What?

"Where's my tractor?"

That's a joke.

Really, Joe, a guitar? What are
you gonna do, song parodies?

What's the matter, Your Holiness?

You don't think they're funny?

Why don't you call Weird Al
on his yacht and ask him?

This is... pathetic.

I'll be surprised if you won't be
smashing watermelons out there.

Watermelons
are out of season, genius.

Oh, and don't worry about my act, okay?

Just keep your boring minister crap short.

Boring, huh? Well,
I might have a joke or two.

Or 50, Joe.

Don't you dare, okay?
I'm headlining this gig, Baxter.

You're just the deejay.

Not today, Joe. Today, I am the stripper.

Hey, guys. Hey. You got the ring?

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah, of course I got the ring.
I'm not an idiot.

I left my breath mints in the car.

I'll be right back.

Hey, you know, there's a good chance

you'll be slipping a breath mint
on your wife's finger today.

Come on, come on. Hey, hey, hey.

Relax. I'm pretty sure
she's gonna say, "I do."

Carol said you'd calm me down, man.

Which is one of the reasons
why I asked you to do this.

Really? Wh... What are some
of the other reasons?

You know, instead of, uh,

you know, driving the limo
or being an usher

or, you know, being the best man.

The judge who married us 25 years ago

had never met us before.

He kept calling me Rick
through most of the ceremony.

Are you sure he wasn't saying "The Rock"?

Oh, and he was single.
And... and I know that

because he said all the stuff
you hear at a wedding ceremony,

but it didn't sound authentic.

So when we decided

to renew our vows, we wanted
the officiant to be...

someone who'd been around
the block a few times.

Well, you know me.

I've been circling
that block for 35 years.

Yeah. Exactly.

You and Vanessa have
the same kind of marriage

Carol and I have. Long, solid and honest.

And who better to bless it?

I am really honored
you asked me, my friend.

Yeah, man.

Oh,

and the worst part about the guy
who did it 25 years ago,

he kept trying to be funny.

Well, it could've been worse, you know?

He... he could've played the guitar.

Mom! We got to go!

Can I help with anything?

Yeah, sure, Jen. Can you put
some of these corsages in the box?

What's that? What did you say?

Actually, can you just grab
the camera bag?

This camera bag?

Yeah.

Oh. Are you wearing Mandy's earrings?

No.

Wow, they... they look great on you.

I didn't steal them. Shut up!

I mean, it's totally fine.
You should keep them.

They look way better on you anyway.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Uh, girls,

I need you to do me a weird favor.

Hey, Jen, did you go
into my room without asking?

- Because that is not cool.
- Yeah, what were you thinking?

You have your own stupid room.

That you... better stay out of.

Hey! That used to be my room.

Yeah, back when it sucked.

Give me the earrings.

You just said I could have them. Liar.

- Stealer!
- Loser!

Psycho!

Hey, hey, what's going on?

It's okay, Vanessa, we were just talking.

- Yeah, Mom. Butt out.
- It's a sister thing.

Hmm. Well, you sisters better get going.

Fine, you can wear the earrings, today.

"Love never fails.

"These three remain forever,

"faith, hope and love.

"But the greatest of these is love."

Not one laugh.

Thank you, Kyle. Well,

I get to talk now,
which, as many of you know,

one of my favorite things.

I'm supposed to talk about
being married for a long time,

another one of my favorite things,

but instead, I'm gonna talk
about my very favorite thing.

Cars.

Specifically, I want to talk
about classic cars,

because being married for a long time

is a lot like owning a classic car.

I think about that when I look
at my lovely wife, Vanessa.

How fat is she?

When you have a classic car,

you don't take it for granted, right?

You don't assume it's always gonna work.

You got to take care of it,

got to tinker with it.
You got to listen to it.

It's not a lot of work,
but you do it every day.

And those days turn into weeks,
the weeks turn into years.

If you're lucky, they turn into decades.

But that car's gonna run like
a top, like it was brand-new.

And when everybody sees it,

they all say,

"I wish I had one of those."

He's better than Tommy Thunder
at Nudes, Nudes, Nudes.

Oh, you're that guy that's going to hell.

No, no. It wasn't that bad, Joe.

I think people enjoyed your speech.

I was there. Nobody enjoyed his speech,

which is why I loved it.

Say what you want.
I did get one big laugh.

Yeah,
when you dropped that guitar.

Yeah, that was great.

And that breakaway neck you had
on it made it super funny.

- Yeah, it was a great wedding.
- Mm-hmm.

Hope the Larabees have fun
on their honeymoon in Vegas.

I was surprised to hear
that Chuck is an Elton John fan.

- Yeah, me, too.
- Yeah, I wish I had known.

I would have incorporated it into my act.

Then you could have dropped a piano.

Hey, uh, while Chuck's gone,

who's gonna be in charge
of security at the store?

Who cares? Now you can take
whatever you want

'cause who's gonna stop you, Joe?

This is gonna be a real fun two weeks.