Original subtitles

No, no, no, Roscoe.

Listen to me.

The photos have to be done today to meet our deadline.

Excuse me?

I don't care if the studio's quite not ready. Just book the damn models and get

it done.

Pardon me, I'm looking for Miss Trent.

Just book the studio, book the girls, shoot the damn thing,

and get it done.

Yes?

I'm Candace Calhoun. I was sent by the agency for the secretary job.

Oh, was that today? Damn.

Do you have a resume?

Yes, right here.

Hey, Bruce.

Miss Turnbull, very complimentary.

You've earned high marks.

Thank you, Miss Trent.

Lana, get used to calling me that.

Because from now on, you're going to be my new assistant.

That's great.

Then I'd never get a job, even with the recommendations.

All the men I interviewed with were so... boorish?

Yes. I mean, you'll never guess what they asked me to do in order to get the

job.

Harassment.

Exactly.

Well, from now on, you'll have your own office next to mine.

And you'll do the usual stuff like filing, booking photo shoots, and

else I can think of.

Photo shoots?

Yes, we're a magazine publisher.

You'll start at $800 a week.

$800 a week?

I know, it doesn't sound like much.

No, that's great.

Excellent, in fact.

Good. Let me show you your new office. Thank you.

Well, welcome to your new little kingdom.

This is wonderful.

Well, I know it's a bit soon, but could you start today?

I like to think I strive on chaos. Good.

Roscoe, could you come in here?

What is it, Lana? You know I've got to get this photo shoot done, remember?

Roscoe? It's Candace. Candace Roscoe.

This is our staff photographer.

Nice to meet you.

And you, um, are you sure you're not a model?

Don't be silly. Of course not.

If you ever change your mind, let me know, okay?

Can I go now?

No.

Well, get yourself settled in, and if you have any questions, don't hesitate

ask. Thank you.

Are you girls here for the photo shoot?

Yeah. Okay, I'll let you now have a seat.

Roscoe, the girls are here for the photo shoot.

You can send the girls in now.

Yes, sir.

Go on in, girls.

Feminism and the Millennium Woman.

There's been a growing underscore of late from a small yet vocal segment of

American women.

The new feminists whose point of view seems to be running counter to their

feminist pioneer sisters.

Now comes the persistent age -old question that men have been asking.

What do women want?

The problem, however, is that it's the new millennium woman who's doing the

asking. Most of these women are single.

They seem to sit home alone on weekends and bemoan the fact that they're not out

with some Adonis who will sweep them off their feet, take them away from their

mundane, lonely lives, and treat them to the best sex they've probably ever

experienced, but regard commitment with a jaundiced eye.

Perhaps it's due to the fact that, now that they have nearly everything they've

been fighting for, there are no new battles to fight.

This is Roscoe, our photographer. Hi.

And you are? Sally.

Sally. This is Roscoe, our photographer.

This right here, this guy, he can take the best pictures I've ever seen. I'm

telling you, he's like the Michelangelo of photography. He can do stuff to you

that, well, let's say in certain countries it wouldn't be allowed.

But anyway, tell you what.

Sally,

right? Sally, why don't you and Roscoe go ahead and start off with a couple

shots and stuff like that. And Trudy, I'll go ahead and show you the rest of

studio here. It's very nice. We even have a water cooler. Okay. Come with me.

Women want to be sex objects, huh?

That is the most chauvinistic, moronic, archaic thing I have ever heard.

Women can't work in a man's world?

Who does he think he is?

Okay, well, this here is our executive suite.

Only the VIPs can do that. Right over here, you've got your floor.

Well, if you had clothes, you'd definitely put them in here. Over here,

your bed.

You need to lay down.

We've got about, what, three, four sounds in there.

Sounds are expensive, but we've got them.

Now, tell you what.

I feel that you're going to be a model for them. owner of our publication.

We really kind of got to... We have to... We have to kind of... How do I

say this without insulting your fine integrity?

I have to say a little bit of... Yeah.

What we do here at Bachelor Pad Publishing

is we like to feel like we're connected to the mob.

Connected. But yet separated.

Separated, yet connected. Kind of an in and out situation.

Or up and down.

But anyway, be safe. You go ahead and disrobe for me. That way I can kind of

a feeling of what our type of magazine would do to accent you in an accent -y

way.

You want me to get totally naked?

It works for me.

Yeah.

You know what? So that you don't feel uncomfortable, I'll start taking off my

clothes.

all by herself.

You don't have to worry about anybody prying in.

Wow.

Okay.

Very nice.

You've been working out?

Well, tell you what.

Another thing that we like to do here at Bachelor Pad is get a feeling for our

model.

So, why don't you come on over here and let me...

Excuse me, there's a photo session going on. The lab said Roscoe needed these

right away.

I'll make sure I get them. Okay, thanks. Thank you.

Really beautiful.

That's a fighter camera.

Yeah. Yeah.

Excuse me, Roscoe, these were drop tops for you.

Oh, great.

Do me a favor, Candace. Take them in the back. My hands are kind of full right

now. Yeah, no problem. I want to get this done. Thanks. Mm -hmm.

There we go.

Yeah.

Why don't you go ahead and unbutton that glass a little bit for me?

Nice and clean.

Yeah. Oh, you're the best. No, I'm not.

You're natural, I'm not.

No.

I thought I was coming close in on that. Oh, yeah.

Why don't you turn around slowly?

Yeah, just to the side a little bit. Let me see some of this right here.

That's absolutely perfect.

There we go.

Yeah, that's nice.

There you go. Pull that skirt up a little bit. Yeah.

A little bit hanging out there.

Oh, my God.

Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

You know what?

Here you go.

Nice up skirt.

Oh, yeah.

to...

What is that?

They're back issues for the archives.

Oh.

Bachelor Pad magazine. That explains it.

Explains what?

The drivel that this lewd leper character considers his Bachelor Pad

And that.

So, uh, you don't agree with the magazine's point of view?

The nerve that they have the idea to promote women as a sex toy for him to

and then throw away.

You seem to have some pretty strong ideas about it yourself.

I'm sorry. It just angers me that men today still have a Victorian perspective

on women.

It's downright... Victorian?

Are you mocking me?

No, not at all.

In fact, the Victorians were quite lustful themselves, and they didn't

women much better.

What if women...

I just wanted sex, and they could have it as often as men do.

They can, and don't change the subject. I'm not. I'm just offering you a

different side to the same question.

Okay.

That lady, that was fantastic. You guys were great. I'll call you as soon as I

see them pictures.

I'm going to lunch.

What are you laughing about? She almost broke my jaw.

Take it easy, Ralph.

Yeah, great. I just got assaulted.

I think we should fire her.

She's new. I'm not going to fire her.

She just hit me.

And she hates me.

Yeah, well, that's more reason to fire her. But I like her.

The one dissenting voice above the den.

Oh, great.

I can already tell by that tone of voice.

This is going to cost me.

Nah, not really.

You're going to be me for a while.

Why?

So I can get to know her.

If she was to know that I was the guy behind that editorial, well... I don't

think this is really going to work. Come on, let's face it. Next time you come

into the office, someone's going to recognize you and this whole thing's

to blow up. Now, Ralph, how often do I leave the mansion and come down here to

the office? It's perfect.

You'll be me, and I'll be you.

Well, if you're going to be me, there's some things you need to know.

For example, I have dry cleaning.

I want to pick that up. Okay, Ralph. Also, I like little small tomatoes.

get carried away, my friend. And I like my feet being right.

Alright, yeah.

Eight hundred bucks?

Who did you fuck to get that?

Sometimes I cannot believe the things that come out of your mouth.

You know what? You probably wouldn't believe the things that go into it

Do not get me started on that.

You know what?

You really need to loosen up.

You know what you need?

A big, stiff cock.

I'm not going to compromise. My moral value is for a few minutes of pleasure.

I'm waiting for the right man.

I know the whole story.

Listen, I'm going out with my friends tonight, and I'm going to get laid. You

have a good night. All right. Well, I need to go home because... I have a big

day tomorrow, so... Oh, and you know what?

When you can't find Mr. Right, here's Mr. Everready.

Oh, you little... What?

So big.

Yeah.

Oh, fuck yes. Oh, God.

Oh, man.

Fuck, it's fucking me so good.

I could not hurt cock up in my pussy like that.

I need you to take these up to the mansion for Lou.

Me? What about Tony?

He's stuck at the printer.

Here's the address. They're expecting you.

Well, Mr.

Leffer, you're about to get the use of my mind.

Thank you.

We'll be with you in a moment.

Oh,

gosh,

this is too much.

to be collected and then tossed aside.

Yeah, you can't treat women that way.

We're in major corporations and we didn't get there by exposing ourselves.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

And I'm ashamed to work for you.

Yeah, you should be horse whipped.

Gee, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry?

Is that all you have to say for yourself?

I lost my job and got you fired, too.

Ah, now.

Lou's not the type of guy to fire someone for expressing themselves.

In fact, he likes a woman who speaks her mind.

Come on, Ralph. Look at this place. It's like a frat party.

It's all an image, a fantasy.

You know, Bachelor Pat is what he does, not who he is.

I can't believe you're defending him.

Look, all these women throwing themselves at him, it's all too easy.

And Lou's not the type of guy that likes it easy.

Seems like you know him pretty well.

As well as I know myself.

You wanted to see me, Lana?

Yes, Candace.

Can you take me to the mansion?

Lou forgot him.

Sure, thanks.

Let me know what you think.

Play a reporter, okay?

Okay, fine. I'll play the reporter.

You've got to hurry. I know. I know. Okay.

I know that many of you have been wondering what we here at Bachelor Pad

Magazine have been up to recently.

Well, we're going to be running a woman's perspective in a men's

magazine. Then I unveiled the Bachelor Girl Magazine cover.

Lift it up. Lift it up. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

If we truly live in a liberated society, then there's no reason why men and

women can't live as equals in every way.

That's good. That's good. Let me fire some questions at you. See how you do

the questions.

Mr.

Leffer, if I can ask you one question, sir.

Who was the woman who inspired you to change the philosophy of Bachelor Pad

Magazine? Did you just call him Mr. Leffer?

Lou Leffer? I thought he was Mr.

Leffer.

taste for me, and I was truly interested.

He was interested.

Yeah. He played me for a fool.

Listen, Candace, wait.

You have some great ideas.

I just want to nurture them.

Yeah. You want to use me and my ideas to create you a new magazine to make you

richer. You snake!

You... You... Man?

Okay,

thank you. No. You know what you are.

What?

you weren't involved with the guy?

This is the thing. I was involved.

And he used me.

From what you've told me, it sounds like he took your ideas and he put them to

work. That doesn't sound like he used you.

Are you taking his side?

No, I'm taking the side of reason.

He could have at least returned his calls.

Yeah, he has nothing to say that I want to hear.

He wants you to be the editor of Bachelor Pad magazine.

So he can look down my blouse the whole time?

No thanks.

You know, if a guy like Lou Laffer spent this much time chasing me, I would be

flattered.

Yeah, and you would have slept with him by now, too.

Fingers. Oh, God.

How dare you come up here?

And I'm going to kill Fern for letting you in. Get out.

Not until I have my way.

You're not going to change my mind.

Marry me.

Marry you?

You must have some balls. What makes you think I would ever consider marrying

you? Because you love me.

Oh, to even think that you know what I'm feeling. How dare you? Come on, it's

true. We both know it.

Oh, we do?

If you loved me, you would have told me who you were a lot sooner.

And if I had, would you have given me the time of day?

Of course not.

See? So it worked. You got to know the real me.

You might just be saying this to make me forgive you.

Come on, look. The public expects me to be the swinging bachelor.

And you're not?

No, I'm not.

Candace Calhoun, will you marry me?